Writing The Great War: Hoenn's Hazards (Chapter 12)

Jabberwock

#Jovimohnaeliackvid
Forum Mod
Articles Staff
Member
I've been reading through your chapters, JoshB, and first, I must say, your story's very good. It does seem almost like a playthrough in a way, but also clearly not at the same time. There are a few things I would caution you from overdoing, however.
  • Punctuation and capitalization are both tricky in the heat of battle, when a lot happens all at once, but it does make it significantly easier to read. I would suggest such things as breaking a new paragraph when a quote comes in, making sure to use quotation marks on both sides of the phrase(s), and formatting attacks consistently. A pretty much agreed-upon format for a Pokémon attack is "Pikachu, use Quick Attack!" Note the comma after the Pokémon's name, and the capitalization on the first letter of each word in the attack. The exclamation mark is less necessary, but it never hurts. :) Just remember that practically every noun in the Pokémon world is capitalized and you'll be fine.
  • The accented é is frequently overlooked, and while I do see it appearing in your story, it's not very consistent. It can be made by alt+e, followed by another e on most keyboards, I believe. :)
  • You mentioned in a previous chapter that italics would signify the Pokédex, and I suggest you continue to do this. It makes it more obvious that the Pokédex is speaking.
  • I like that you end every chapter with a cliffhanger, but ideally this is somewhat drawn out, by which I mean you've led up to it for a few paragraphs, rather than a problem occurring and reaching its climax in the space of a few sentences.
  • There are a few instances in battle scenes where each paragraph begins with an attack command (i.e. Riolu, use Counter!). While this isn't a bad thing, It makes it easier to read if you include something like "...said Lavender" or "Roxanne exclaimed." Also, on the topic of battles, I understand that "Pokémon, dodge!" is very common in the anime, but frankly is a little overdone. Perhaps "Riolu, leap to the branch!" or something as a more detailed and less repetitive alternative.
But your story seriously is very good. I never played XD: Gale of Darkness or any other game where Shadow Pokémon existed – I don't even know if there are any others – but your story depicts them very well, even though one hasn't actually made an appearance. :p (Unless the menacing Poochyena was menacing because it was a Shadow Pokémon?)

Looking forward to more chapters!
 

JoshB

The math didn't work out
Member
Thanks for the feedback Jabberwock and Ice Arceus! I hope to post Chapter 12 tonight, so you guys can look forward to that. Also, Jabberwock thanks for the recommendations on my writing. :)
 

JoshB

The math didn't work out
Member
Here it is, Chapter 12! So not a lot actually happens in this chapter, but it has a little bit for everyone to relate too. It shows a little more about Ryan's thought process, and reveals some BIG news. ;)

Chapter 12: Slakoth's Sly Success

Slakoth was running up to Nosepass, but stopped right in front. He was almost smiling at Nosepass, but then out of nowhere he threw a sucker punch and drilled Nosepass in the gut. "What kind of an attack is that?" I ask excitedly. I point my Pokédex at Slakoth, hoping to answer my question. Feint Attack, the user approaches the opponent disarmingly, then throws a sucker punch. "That is awesome! Great job Slakoth!"

Slakoth nodded his head happily, but then literally collapsed on the spot from how tired he was. "Slaakoth." He was actually moaning, so I guess he must be really tired. Nosepass wasn't really moving either so I thought they would call the match, but maybe time was just racing by in my head.

Nosepass was getting up and I cursed under my breath. "Crap." Slakoth took notice too, and had a similar reaction of disgust. Nosepass was clearly hurt though, because he was limping badly. Slakoth was kinda limping too, but probably because of how tired he was. The battle was at a stand still, and I was glad.

Roxanne and Lavender had a similar expression of impatience, and I actually found it kind of funny. Both of them kept on rolling their eyes at both the Pokemon, and looking around for the fake clock on the wall. They both suddenly took notice of me snickering so I subsided it, hoping not to tick anyone off.

We continued to wait, as both Pokemon got a grip of themselves and got to their feet. Nosepass was the first to maintain balance, so I feared he would ram Slakoth before he was even ready. Roxanne commanded quickly, realizing the situation. "Nosepass, use Tackle!" I watched in horror, as Slakoth got rammed at the wall.

I squealed in terror. "Slakoth can you stand? Please Slakoth stand!" To my dismay, Slakoth's body was just lying there quivering. I nearly burst into tears, as I collapsed on the floor. Roxanne cautiously walked over, and spoke softly.

"Ryan, it is ok to lose. You and your Pokemon did your best, and even I can recognize that.” I look up with a mixture of sadness and confusion in my eyes. She begins to speak again.


“Gym badges aren't all about winning, they are a show of courage and strength between a trainer and Pokemon. I shall award you the Stone badge for your great showing of both these skills." I look up again with tears streaming down my eyes, but now they were tears of joy.

I slowly responded, stuttering between words. "Ree-Really? Did I really wi-win this badge" She nods slowly. Suddenly it crosses my mind that maybe there's more to Pokemon that battling, maybe Pokemon exist for a different purpose. Maybe Roxanne has thought about this, and that is why she is giving me the badge. I push the thought away, waiting for another time to contemplate over the idea.

She grabs the small badge out of her pocket, and hands it to me gently. Then she announces proudly. "Ryan, I want this to be a lesson to you. One that will teach you bonding is the key to success, you must put in the same effort as your Pokemon to prove you are worthy." Then she whispered softly. "I recommend you visit Dewford Town next, it has a nice gym there."

I was glad I could go back home. Then I glance over at my Slakoth, happy that he tried his best in the battle. I heave myself off the ground, and stride over to my Slakoth picking him up in a swift movement. I slowly whisper. "Thank you, Slakoth and Riolu for showing me my mistakes." Even though Slakoth is unconscious, it seems as if he had understood.

I skip over to Roxanne, and take the Stone badge out of her hands. Then I twist around put it in the side pocket of my bag, letting it sit there. I noticed Lavender walking over to the doorway, indicating I follow. I am curious of why though, because she was supposed to battle Roxanne too.

By the time I reach her outside of the gym, she has a confident look on her face. I ask her curiously. "Shouldn't you also face the gym?" She glanced down at the ground, but then stared at me and responded.

"I have thought over this decision for a long time, and am ready to tell you. I am going to start participating in Pokemon contests instead of gym battles!" I astounded by her decision, of all of us back at the lab, she seemed the most keen on gym battles. I respond without thinking.

"Are you serious! That is awesome!" She looks relieved, due to my approval. Then she replies quickly, with excitement in her voice.

"Is it okay if we travel around to the different locations?" I nod in agreement. I daydreamed about the opportunity to catch new Pokemon, because we will do more traveling to different parts of the region! She can do contests, and I can participate in gym battles, perfect!

As overwhelmed as I am of all the information that was just exchanged, we literally start skipping down the road towards our next adventure. Feeling more delighted, and excited about what the future holds!
 
Last edited:

Leaf_Ranger

Knight of Nature and Pokémon
Member
I've read until chapter 7 (included) and I'm liking it very much, but I must say that what got me hooked was the prologue! I think Jabberwock's remarks are correct and about the time between chapters Ice Arceus is also correct. In my case, I think that the chapters might need so more thinking between them and that's why I don't see that as a bad thing due to your own lack of time. Just as Ryan needs time to think what's next, you too need it. I don't know if you made Ryan a fast paced person on its own or if the chapters' speed molded the character and I don't know if this is due to being the start of a journey but I think Ryan really need more time in the wild and alone (but his Pokémon included) because by know I just want Ryan to choke Will in his sleep!

My opinion is worth what it truly is: an opinion. It's easier to be on the outside, so I congratulate you for taking such a great first step with this story! ;)

PS: Hoenn setting and a mature story? Awesome!
 
Last edited:

JoshB

The math didn't work out
Member
I've read until chapter 7 (included) and I'm liking it very much, but I must say that what got me hooked was the prologue! I think Jabberwock's remarks are correct and about the time between chapters Ice Arceus is also correct. In my case, I think that the chapters might need so more thinking between them and that's why I don't see that as a bad thing due to your own lack of time. Just as Ryan needs time to think what's next, you too need it. I don't know if you made Ryan a fast paced person on its own or if the chapters' speed molded the character and I don't know if this is due to being the start of a journey but I think Ryan really need more time in the wild and alone (but his Pokémon included) because by know I just want Ryan to choke Will in his sleep!

My opinion is worth what it truly is: an opinion. It's easier to be on the outside, so I congratulate you for taking such a great first step with this story! ;)

PS: Hoenn setting and a mature story? Awesome!
Thanks for the feedback! I have actually been thinking over the story a little, instead of "winging" it now. I hope to continue writing my story to my viewers liking, so I will take all this into consideration for my next chapter and see how you like it. :)
 

JoshB

The math didn't work out
Member
I have been thinking over this chapter a little, and molded it into something I think the readers can enjoy. So I tried to slow down the pace a little in this chapter, and explain more. But sadly a lot is meant to happen in this chapter, so not much I could do there. By the way if you have any comments on my writing, feel more than welcome to say it. That is how I make my story better! :D Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter!

Chapter 13: Lonely Life

Before we got more than 10 feet down the road towards my next gym battle in Dewford Town, suddenly Lavender stopped. I was about to ask why she stopped, but Lavender’s expression was full of dismay and sadness. But I asked curiously anyway. "Let's go, I can't wait to get back home!"

She looked up with sadness in her eyes, and replied gently. "The closest Pokemon contest, is in Verdanturf Town." I got a little light-headed, but then it came across me. Back in Dewford Town, there is no contest hall. We would have to split ways, so I could go to they gym and she could go to the contest. My eyes started to flood with tears, but I tried to hold them back.

She stared at the ground, and muttered. "I have to go there to compete. Maybe we could meet up in Slateport City, later." I wasn't ready to travel on my own yet. I only had two Pokemon, I would be screwed! If my gym battles and her contest were like this, then we could't travel together.

Regardless, a response came out of my mouth, like a bolt of lightning. "OK. B-bye." The moment after those words came out of my mouth, I sprinted away with tears dripping down my face, but didn't look back. I could feel her eyes staring at my back like a laser. I knew if I turned back, I would look like an even bigger wuss.

So I ran and ran through Rustboro City, not stopping once. My vision was a blur, but I still didn't stop. I passed what seemed like a hundred store fronts, before finally reaching the dirt road leading onto Route 104. Out of nowhere, I tripped on a tiny stone sticking out of the ground, then tumbled to the ground, and started sobbing. Thoughts were racing through my mind.

How could I travel throughout woods again, alone? What if I get kidnapped or something? I wiped the tears off my face and pushed those thoughts past me. So I stumbled to my feet, but nearly collapsed again before regaining my balance. The sun was still up and beaming, so I had a lot of time left in the day.

I had no choice, so I tramped on towards the woods. So much for a great day, things were going downhill, and fast. Before long, I had made it to the forest, but the sun was starting to set and I couldn't turn back now. So I made my way into the brush, and was greeted by darkness. "Just what I would have expected."

Feeling lonesome and scared already, I whispered. "Go, Riolu! You are helping me get through here, you got that." As he materialized out of his Poké ball he nodded, but even he seemed threatened by the daunting forest. I knew this wasn't gonna be easy, but we shuffled on, aware of our surroundings.

My eyes weren't adjusting, even though it was broad daylight outside, so I pulled a flashlight from my bag and flicked it on. The path ahead illuminated instantly, but it still seemed like we were being watched. I couldn't help but whirl around every moment, ready to command Riolu to attack the assailant. It took a little convincing, but soon I stopped and concentrated on the task ahead.

Shadows crawled up on us from all around, only to reveal thin air where it was. Riolu also started sensing something was off, and even whimpered softly. “Ri-Riolu.” My instinct told me to dart back towards Route 104, but my determination drove me forward.

I flickered my light back and forth, but spotted nothing and relaxed a bit. Suddenly I bounced up after snapping a twig below my feet. "God dang it! Stupid branch!" I kicked it aside, and slammed my foot into a pile of leaves.

" Yikes!" My foot had made contact with something. I started to back away but then the pile of leaves rattled, revealing a surprisingly large and angry Shroomish. He looked drowsy, so I concluded I had just awoken him from a nap. Still taken back by surprise, I pointed my Pokédex at it. Shroomish, the Mushroom Pokemon. Shroomish is mild tempered and inhabits piles of rotting leaves inside of forests.

A little pissed off, I remarked. "Wow what a lame Pokemon." I don't think Shroomish liked that comment one bit, because it started spraying Poison Powder. I held my breath, but soon all the air around us was engulfed in powder.

Riolu instantly charged for cover, but I had already sucked some powder in and my vision was getting hazy. I kept on coughing, and then I would inhale more and more dust. After looking around and spotting Riolu, I bolted after him but soon I was even losing control of my body. The only thing I could see was Riolu's small figure ahead of me, so I kept on scampering after it. All I could think about was getting away from that stupid Shroomish and it’s idea of perfume.

Suddenly, I started wobbling and plunged to the ground. My body was twitching all over the ground, and Riolu looked on in horror. Only seconds later though, I came to a rest but my vision was blacking out. Luckily, I was able to cough up a couple words. "Riolu, please help!" Then my sight went black.
 
Last edited:

Jabberwock

#Jovimohnaeliackvid
Forum Mod
Articles Staff
Member
That was a great chapter to read! You're definitely getting a lot better at this. :) The climax was well-led-up-to, if that makes any sense. :p

The one thing I might change, perhaps, would be the part about going separate ways. It felt a little...vague, I guess. It was initially hard for me to tell why Ryan was sad; I had thought for a moment that he also wanted to participate in contests. Even putting in a sentence like "I realized this would be the end of our journey together" would go a long way, I think. :)
 

JoshB

The math didn't work out
Member
I changed it up a little, and hopefully fixed most of the problems. But yea, honestly I was thinking the same thing as you, I just didn't know how to put it. :p
 
Last edited:

JoshB

The math didn't work out
Member
So, looks like I am gonna be out of town for a couple days. Sorry I can't post a chapter before I leave, but no worries, the day I get back I will post one. :p
 
Top