Writing Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...)

Should I keep the PG-13 rating?

  • Yes, it fits the criteria.

    Votes: 9 100.0%
  • No, you should tone it down more and do it as a kid-friendly story.

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    9
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I

Incinermyn

The Crusade of Dark Nostalgia
Book 2: Biohazard
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Rating: PG-13 for moderate language, sci-fi/fantasy violence, some depictions of death, and dark themes throughout
Genres: Dark Fantasy, Science-Fiction, Horror
Bases: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon-Blue Rescue Team, Explorers of Time, and Explorers of Sky; Original Characters; and the History Channel docudrama Life After People

Chapter List
Prologue: Relics
Chapter One: Archangel
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Prologue: Relic

The question was, as it always had been, what does one do to survive? In the time of Man, it was easy enough just to lay back and feed off of humanity’s scraps, or furthermore take refuge in the confines of a Poké Ball… But in a world after people, will primal savagery take hold once again? …And what of those never born wild? Those few unsacred beasts for which God was no creator…

Doxisite slunk silently through the air ducts, contracting his long snakelike body only slightly with each movement. The years of rust scraped harshly against the leech’s skin but did little to hinder him as he focused below. Through his eyes, the heat signatures of the Pokémon ambling through the bottom corridor stuck out plain as day.

The first one directly underneath him, he recognized as a hearty dragon. He gauged that the bluish-white reptile stood fully erect at a height of 1.7 meters with its well-toned wings spread out only to three meters, though he knew the hallway to be far wider. Unlike most Fire-types he’d eaten in the past, this Pokémon looked unusually bottom-heavy. Even so, he knew that it would make a more filling meal than its partner.

Utterly the beast’s contrast, the meter-and-a-half-tall hominid several feet ahead of him looked unbelievably weak. Its abnormally stout body, including its apparently foreshortened arms and stocky almost hoof-like legs, was clearly deprived of proper blood-flow because it gave off an unhealthy magenta hue. How this thing could even live defied explanation! The only thing that nearly made up for its anemic state was the fact that its oversized and crudely star-shaped head possessed a vibrant yellow glow.

As he hungered, an acidic froth seeped through the many daggers within the predator’s maw. They’d been on the island for days, no doubt to plunder the derelict city of whatever artifacts they could find. If only they knew just what ‘relics’ lied in wait here…

Moments passed before the twosome unexpectedly stopped. Perturbed the leech retracted his body into a thick conical form, though his stump of a head remained out and watched. Anxiety shifting to anger, the notched spines hidden in his back ejected and pierced the metal overhead.

The humanoid immediately gazed up at him, its squinty eye-sockets flaring white. A sudden burning sensation spread throughout all Doxisite’s cells. It ended quickly but he had to fight all instinct to scream. Achingly the parasite squirmed his way forward while the Pokémon quibbled amongst themselves. Once he’d come upon an open vent, the monster screamed into it at as high of frequency he could muster.

His physiology had constituted itself to nullify psychokinesis and he knew it, but he couldn’t think of anything else that would hurt him like that did. Up until this point, he was certain that they were nothing more than the same creatures he’d fed upon years. Natural selection could never produce something equal to his prowess no matter how long he’s been dormant. Nonetheless, starvation nagged him too much to be scared off by a single attack.

Looming over the downward opening, Doxisite waited for his prey. After a few seconds, they passed beneath him. Again his mouth foamed, and more rabidly this time; some of it even dripped onto the floor after the dragon walked by.

“What the…?” a gruff voice said as a faint pair of russet-colored eyes suddenly appeared.

Fearfully the leech sucked in his venom and pulled his head away from the hole. Whatever this life form was, it wasn’t organically-based. He could only detect mineral and machine Pokémon as wispy gray blurs but only at close range and, without proper lighting, it would be impossible for him to see phantoms. But with any luck, this creature didn’t see him either.

“Tyranitar!” its allies called. The building quaked as the Pokémon lumbered after the others. Once the tremors stopped, Doxisite exhaled a small sigh of relief that the structure didn’t collapse, then stretched his neck through the vent, and continued down the hall after them.

As he honed in, the leech noticed something intriguing. His targets had taken up a new formation right where he knew the passage split into a fork. The humanoid stood dominantly in the center of the passage, while the dragon stood somewhat off to the right and presumably the Tyranitar did the same off to the left. No doubt they were awestruck by what had long settled within the two branches.

“What is that gunk?” Tyranitar asked disgustedly.

“Some sort of microbial colony,” the hominid commented, his voice rather mellow, “It should be easily dispatched with Psychic.”

Both dread and pleasure overtook Doxisite as he heard those words. With a bold lunge, the leech bit into what he hoped to be Tyranitar’s midsection. Managing to just break the creature’s skin, he injected his neurotoxins and quickly withdrew his teeth from the Pokémon’s rock-like hide. But doing so, his victim bellowed in pain.

“What happened?” the others shouted, whipping their bodies around.

The dragon saw Doxisite immediately, before it could speak up though, the leech already had his gaping mouth around its neck and was forcefully towing it back down the passageway. During the haul, Doxisite shot several narrow tubes down the beast’s jugular vein and headed straight for the heart. Once inside the muscle, he breached its chamber walls and began draining the Pokémon’s blood with tornado-like suction.

“Charizard!” the humanoid yelled.

It took only seconds for the leech to bring his victim back to the vent. After he arrived, Doxisite set the dragon down and dropped the rest of his body through the opening. He then bound himself tightly around the creature’s neck, chest, left arm, and abdomen.

“Get…off!” Charizard hacked, shaking around wildly in a futile struggle to get free. With his free arm, the beast clawed at Doxisite’s head just to have his talons slip right off. Angered, the leech gave one last powerful suck to end his prey’s life.

Bloated from his feast, the leech released his hold and flopped onto the floor around the dragon’s still-upright corpse. He was sated in ways that he just scantly remembered. But now, what to do about the others?

Doxisite screamed with a horrific shrill as the burning sensation overtook him again. This time, however, it had control over his individual cells. He was forced back into conical form and then found himself flying through the air back towards the fork.

“Just who the h*ll do you think you are?” the Tyranitar managed to bark, gasping for air.

“Conserve your strength, Tyranitar. We don’t know why he attacked,” his remaining partner ordered.

“Pretty obvious, I’d say, Alakazam!”

As he was brought in front of the remaining twosome, Doxisite felt something awry with his captor. There could be no mistaking the enhancement to this Alakazam’s genetic code; its origins were hybrid. No small surprise now that its telekinesis had been capable of harming him…

“Alright!” Alakazam finally demanded, “Who are you, and why did you kill Charizard?”

“GOW-YE!” a shrill voice wailed throughout the building, as if in response.

Almost immediately Tyranitar felt something grab onto his tail. The beast was then pulled forcibly down one of the off-branching halls behind him.

“Tyranitar!” Alakazam screamed, turning his head and unknowingly dropping Doxisite.

Flopping on the floor, the leech instantly snapped at the humanoid’s chest, scraping it just lightly with two fangs. Stunned by the poison, the psychic could do nothing but stare as the monster rose cobra-like to meet him eye to blood-red eye.

“I never thought I’d see the day when your kind would return…” Doxisite clicked, and then eyed over each of the Pokémon’s shoulders, “Mother is going to want a long word with you, no doubt, my friend.” And on that note, the parasite turned back down the corridor and slithered away, knowing well what was to come for this poor soul.

<End Prologue>
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13)

First things first: there's no need for a disclaimer as we all know this is only a fanfic and not actually part of the franchise.

The Prologue's opening is definitely hectic, requiring a reread for those that are used to more straightforward passages. Most of this confusion is due to plenty of indirect description; rather than just saying a shiny (an unsaid detail which completely threw me off) Charizard and an Alakazam were walking down the ancient hall, you simp[ly describe them by pointing out what was peculiar with them, such as "[looking] unusually bottom-heavy" and having a "crudely star-shaped head [possessing] a vibrant yellow glow."

I love it! It's so brilliant! You have no clue how many times I stared at this sheet of paper (I print them for convenience), trying to make sense of this mess, and then there's just big AHA moment when everything clicks; of course an Alakazam has a weak body and a strong mind, but the way you turn that detail into description so that it fits the ciew of the character we're looking through (the leech who's concerned about getting some blood) is sheer brilliance! I don't care if the majority of the audience doesn't get it, because any writer with the genius to come up with this needs to write this down and post it!

OK Zyflair... calm down...

Moving on, the following scenes were actually fine, though my largest complaint is the groups foolish downfall; why in the world do they just NOT kill it when it already took down a member? That little tidbit just doesn't line up.

But yeah, that was seriously great (still failing to keep wagging tail still).
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13)

*gasps deeply, then breathes a sigh of relief* ...okay...you had me a little scared for a moment there, Zyflair... The last mod who read this on another site utterly tore it apart and I've been too terrified (and embarrassed) to post it anywhere since... In fact, I haven't even looked the Microsoft Word file for this since last October! So, this is a little bit of a relief... Still, I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with this. Truth be told, I've been struggling with it since 2007, and the farthest I ever got was Chapter Three (which is very sad, because I loved the PMD games and wanted to do some kind of epic based on them so badly...but lack of constructive input or even the littlest bit of interest from people in my projects put a serious damper on my enthusiam so I eventually just gave up)... In any case, I'm planning on doing this alongside my Feral Twilight story...

In any case, I'm glad to see that someone finally got that this was from Doxisite's POV. Of the few people who actually took the time out to read this, I had to basically shout it at them just to get that point across. People really hate me and this story on a lot of other sites because nobody can understand that this is a perspective fic taken directly from the viewpoints of my Fakemon such as Doxisite (though, like Feral Twilight, this shifts for the first chapter or so).

I'm not going to reveal a whole lot more than that right now because I'm trying to keep a bit of mystery in this. Still, to reply to your chief concern of why Alakazam and Tyranitar didn't kill Doxisite...I was trying to insinuate that Alakazam was curious about the leech since (supposedly) nobody in the PMD world knows what Doxisite is, having been dormant for centuries and all. It was really meant for a brief stint of humor, but I guess there's also the idea that they probably couldn't kill Doxisite anyways even when Alakazam did catch him. I may go and revise this just a little more; originally, Alakazam struggled just to hold Doxisite, so I could probably bring that fact back...
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13)

The one thing I'm not is cruel; I could have just waved the positive points aside and then ripped this too, but if we don't look at what we did well, then what's the point of ever trying?

Also, even just your typed words have "NERVOUS" written all over them. Relax. You've done well. I'm going to try to go with you along this ride to the best of my free time (and hot tea. CANNOT think without hot tea).

Though out of curiosity, may I see this critique of the mod you mentioned? I like to see the other opinion and it's "justification."

And I quote:
Zyflair said:
I don't care if the majority of the audience doesn't get it, because any writer with the genius to come up with this needs to write this down and post it!

And lastly, concerning my complaint, I don't see the implications, although it can be guessed, considering that the Doxisite has been around for... a long time.
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13)

Zyflair said:
Also, even just your typed words have "NERVOUS" written all over them. Relax. You've done well. I'm going to try to go with you along this ride to the best of my free time (and hot tea. CANNOT think without hot tea).

...nervous doesn't even begin to describe me...

Though out of curiosity, may I see this critique of the mod you mentioned? I like to see the other opinion and it's "justification."

Um...okay... I guess I've been gone from that site longer than I thought, and confused the mod's comment with something else; it was retaliation to something I said because I didn't like what someone said about my fic... Here's the thread, anyway *looks away embarassed*: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=198513
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13)

Well, I can understand your sensitivity, but really. It's fine. There's no need to worry about anything about this.
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13)

Thank you... I guess I should lighten up a bit... My fanfics were the main reason I started joining Pokemon forums to begin with (that's not to say they're the only reason, but I never really saw much of a point in joining the really huge/generalist sites like Fanfiction.net or LiveJournal since the only stories I've done are Pokemon-based). Usually, if I don't get any type of response in the first month or so after joining, I leave (shallow, perhaps, but nonetheless true); though, this time around, I think I'd have stayed anyways, since people are actually giving me the time of day again (as opposed to Pokecommunity and Serebii, where the bulk of my posts got ignored due to the overwhelming activity those sites have).

In any case, I'm sorry if I changed the subject for a moment there. I'll try and keep this more on track from hereon out.
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Zyflair’s probably going to kill me for getting this up so late…

Chapter One: Archangel

Three years… Seraph sighed as she sat alone, high in an oak tree. She watched quietly as the full moon rose over the timberlands west of Pokémon Square, its glow revitalizing the lush springtime colors that the daytime had otherwise denied her.

At one meter tall, the seventeen-year-old Skunanne closely resembled the silhouette of a human child save only for her slight maw and her long bushy tail. Her figure was overall sylphlike and covered with elegant silk-like fur. She had beautiful sapphires for eyes that glisten in the moonlight, both of which were surrounded by thin white loops that in turn gave way to concaved lines that the sides of her forehead. As a mark of pride, the skunk girl had thicker locks atop her brow, under which her stripes seemed to vanish; those tresses were combed back neatly and twisted into three braids that dangled more than halfway down her rear. The creature’s markings returned on her shoulders and cascaded down her back in twin waterfalls of inch-long slants. Eventually the stripes merged at her tail and coursed down its midsection in a solid stripe until spreading across the tip of the appendage like a glossy fan.

This place reminded her so much of her home back. It was hard to believe that it had already been this long since she got outcast from her tribe. Even now, the memory of that horrific night still fazed her. ‘You’re no daughter of mine!’ her father’s voice screamed at the back of her mind, ‘Get the h*ll out!’ She cringed as the pain from her sendoff beating started to come back.

Shaking it off, the skunk scratched the side of her head, nearly catching the opal earring dangling from her semi-ellipse of an ear. At least she could take some solace that she was as far from Midnight Forest, and furthermore the Furlong Wood, as she could possibly get. While it’d been a difficult trek these past several weeks, her group finally made it to the northern continent. Knowing their luck, however, things were just going to breakdown here as always.

“Good grief, Kit! Grow up already!” a gruff voice barked from below.

“Here we go again,” she whispered in a sweet soprano.

Grabbing the leather-bound quiver on her left and the crude short bow on her right, the skunk stood up quickly. She slew the case around her backside and then dropped to a branch below. From there, Seraph watched as her partners readied to fight one another.

A couple yards from the tree’s trunk, the closest one was a three-and-a-half-foot tall wolf with a thick tan-colored hide. Strangely the canine wore a thick copper mask over the entirety of his brow adorned with a wide eye-shaped pattern marked by a white oval with an amber-colored iris. Likewise the beast had the black tattoo of a lupine pawmark branded on the back of his head as though it were some sort of ritualistic mark, with a matching ring stretching around his collar. Down his back, she saw three long scars that were so deep his skin never regenerated and so they looked blood red. Lastly she noted how a pair of silvery bands encircled his hind ankles, which gave off a faint purple aura as his anger began to spike.

Across from the Caniclops stood a dingy brown mammal that looked to be just less than two feet in high. The marsupial’s roughly egg-shaped head turned slowly around as the wolf started approaching on his left and his trapezoidal ears twitched a bit, revealing a small bite out of the top of his right one. From what she could tell, he had a fairly narrow mouth with hinged lower jaw; evidently the creature took more than his share of bad attacks as he was almost missing a few incisors. His arms looked unusually bony, though his forepaws had three stumpy fingers apiece with long and thick black claws. Because of his scrawniness, the Pokémon’s ribcage and pelvis were distinctly visible and his abdomen looked incredibly thin. Finishing his corpselike appearance, a long rope of vertebrae formed almost all but the very beginning of his tail.

For a split-second, the Oposease focused the tiny dots in the middle of his otherwise ash-white eyes on Seraph and then back at the Caniclops. Drawing a wooden arrow, she loaded her bow and took aim for the dog’s head.

“Walk on your own feet for a change!” the wolf roared as he nipped at the opossum. Seraph shot the projectile. It ricocheted off the edge of his mask, and the beast yelped.

“I bet you think you’re something, don’t you, Cairo?” the skunk asked smugly, “A twenty-five year old Caniclops picking on a twenty-one week old Oposease… And you nag me about maturity?”

“D*mn it, girl! I’m tired of lugging his *ss everywhere we go, and you know that!” he retorted.

“Come here and say that to my face because you know my next shot won’t miss.”

As she reached for a second arrow, her other partner screamed at the top of his meager lungs, “Don’t do it, Seraph!”

“Why shouldn’t I, Kit? You guys go through this at least once or twice a day and, quite frankly, I’m sick of it.”

“Feeling’s mutual!” Cairo replied.

“Oh, you’re dead.”

Seraph readied another shot, taking aim at the center of the beast’s eyeball. Cairo blinked once and caused his pupil to dilate out to the rim of his iris; then a blackened aura began swirling in front of it, followed swiftly by the creation of a Shadow Ball. Panicking, Kit let out a terrifying scream that caused both of his allies to become stiff with fear.

“Stop it, both of you!” the opossum then cried, small tears coming from his eyes.

“Kit…” Seraph uttered, allowing the string of her weapon slowly go back to the standby position, “He has no right treating us like this, and you know that…” Cairo said nothing in response, just glancing back and forth between his allies as the sphere he made vanished.

“I know, but didn’t you say once that we need each other to survive out here?” the opossum whimpered.

Regaining full control of her body, the skunk nodded slightly, knowing that he was correct. Since the day they fled Treasure Town, they had been at each other’s throats constant. Yet if not for the fact that they stuck together, none of them would probably have lived this long, even with their fighting experience.

Team Feral Fang had made quite a name for itself as an exploration team over the past couple years back in Treasure Town. At one point, they attained Gold Rank and even been called ‘the pride of Wigglytuff’s Guild.’ But that all changed over a month ago when they were dishonorably discharged for negligence on a mission that nearly cost a client his life, and then became outlaws after stealing equipment for their expedition here. Now that their supplies had dwindled, it was time to do it all over again.

“So what’s the plan, Seraph?” Kit asked, as she jumped down from the tree.

“Well, this isn’t Treasure Town, that’s for d*mn sure,” she commented, unstringing her bow. Then she shuffled it gently into her quiver.

“Ha, what was your first clue?” Cairo scoffed as he sat down.

Though she’d have done reconnaissance anyways, the canine’s insight had more than paid off earlier when Seraph was scouting the town for possible targets in tonight’s heist. Despite her nagging curiosity, now wasn’t exactly the time to question him as to how he knew so much about Pokémon Square or, furthermore, his life before entering the guild. They had to focus on the task at hand or they’d never get away from here.

Turning around, the skunk saw two bags placed neatly against the side of the tree. The first was a crude leather satchel sewn together by twine and with a thick strap attached. Next to it, the other sack looked significantly larger and as if it were much better made; the light brown case also had several pockets compared to other one as well as the insignia of a small ball flanked by little wings stitched atop its main flap.

Seraph grabbed the simpler one and undid the knot keeping it closed. Inside she saw a long rope with one of its ends tied so that it formed a loop, a short knife chiseled out of stone, and a large piece of paper folded into thirds. Quickly she took out the sheet and dropped her bag off to her side. Unfolding the chart, she then set it in front of her partners and picked up a small stick.

“If nothing else, I was lucky enough take this off one of the shop owners in town,” she then commented.

Crudely illustrated at best, the map depicted an expanse of woodland to the west and north of a small village perched near a sea cliff. The town had a simple layout consisting of four main quadrants bisected by two dirt roads and with small circles marking off where homes and other buildings were. In addition to the village proper, there was also a pond near the north forests as well as two isolated houses, one on the eastern ledge of the local outcropping and the other near the town’s southern ledge.

Pointing at the northwest fringe of town, Seraph said, “Don’t be surprised if there’s not much here worth taking, you two, especially since this shop belongs to those godforsaken Kecleon Brothers.”

“Their cousins, you mean,” Cairo interjected as he and Kit came closer.

“So, what are we going to do about them?” Kit asked.

“Gouge their throats while they sleep. Death will be justice enough after the bullcr*p their family’s put us through.”

“What?”

Seraph tilted her head back and closed her eyes. Cairo had a good point. Even at their nicest, the Kecleon Brothers back home always found some way to screw them out of a deal. Also, it wasn’t like the creatures were going extinct; it seemed almost like, for every one that died, there were hundreds more to take its place. Furthermore, these creatures were notorious for mobbing thieves the moment they realized they were being robbed, and so killing them in their sleep might be the best option to prevent that from happening…

“No!” she shook her head.

“No, my…”

“Enough, Cairo! As tantalizing as that type of vengeance sounds, you have to think of it this way. If you go and kill somebody in this town, it’s going to cause a riot. Furthermore, I’d like to see you try to use attacks like Psycannon in this small of village, especially at night when all the neighbors will no doubt hear it.”

“Yeah, but you haven’t been here before. Nobody in this town actually cares about each other.”

“Right. And are you sure you’re not just saying that because you had a bad childhood?” she remarked, “I mean, how long has it been? Ten, fifteen, maybe twenty years since you were here last? Doesn’t help when you withhold information from us, especially when we’re on the run!”

Cairo squinted and replied, “So be it… But if you must know, I have issues with my father and I doubt he’d be pleased to see me, even after all this time.”

“Whatever. Just keep an eye on him, Kit.” The opossum nodded. Seraph then turned back to the map and pointed at a building in the southwest part of town.

“I found this place rather interesting. It’s a storage shack owned by an elderly Kangaskhan. She was the one who gave me this map, but after that I ran away to make her think she scared me.”

“If memory serves, that woman’s a tough one, and she’s uptight when it comes to security. So your best bet would be to go through windows on the roof.”

“Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious. Besides, I skimmed her thoughts earlier. She isn’t exactly the kind of Pokémon that would bring herself to hurt an innocent little Skunanne.”

“Like you’d know one,” Cairo murmured.

“Oh, just shut the h*ll up and let me finish.”

Pointing at one final building in the northeast section, she explained, “This one might be a little tricky. In fact, we may not want to even hit this place at all. But, I figured while we were at it, we might as well get some cash by robbing the bank here.”

“If you saw a Persian there, we won’t have any trouble. Despite his looks, he’s really jumpy and my Hypnosis should be more than effective.”

“Not what I had in mind, but if it works, we’ll do it.”

“But, what if we find money at the Kecleon Brother’s stand?” Kit asked.

“Take it too. It all spends the same,” Seraph responded.

The skunk turned around to the large bag and grabbed it. Then she flopped it on the ground in front of her so she could open it. In it, there was a small black pouch, which she tossed to Kit. Afterwards, she took the sack and helped Cairo put it around his back. When they finished adjusting it, Seraph picked up her own satchel and slung it around her side like a purse. Next, she folded the map back up, put it away, and took out her knife.

“Remember… No witnesses, but I want to make as clean of get away as possible,” she said, pointing her dagger at each of her allies who nodded in sequence, “I’ll see you at the bank.”

Seraph turned to the tree again and started to climb it. Once she reached an east-stretching branch, she stopped to watch Kit sluggishly head towards in the direction of town. Perturbed by the critter’s pace, Cairo picked him up with his teeth and set Kit on his back. Then, the twosome dashed off into the foliage.

Alone now, the skunk made her way across the limb until reaching its end, where she sprung to a higher on in the next tree. Landing gracefully, she continued her trek through the treetops, shooting from branch to branch with ninja-like speed. While she was quick on the ground, it was always more efficient for to travel this way. By doing so, she could spot and eliminate threats before they could get at her cohorts. Tonight, however, her trip went off without a hitch and she arrived on the outskirts of town in a matter of moments.

As she stopped in a birch tree to catch her breath, the Skunanne took a good look at the village she had been to earlier. Unlike the grayscale drawing on her map, the community was quite lush and seemed to bear an inviting effervescent glow in the stunning moonlight. She could better make out the earthen dome-huts now that took up most of the town as well as the several larger buildings that were mixed in with them, including her target near the middle of the southwest neighborhood. For a moment, she even felt a slight sense of homesickness…

But her longings were dispelled the second her left ear twitched, hearing the sound of leaves rustle. Somebody had found her. It was a Dark Pokémon, too; she could just sense his thoughts coming from two, perhaps three meters directly behind her.

“Well, well, well… Look who we have here,” a shrill voice spoke, “You’re up kind of late, aren’t ya, little girl?”

“If you know what’s good for you, leave me alone…” she whispered, hunching over slightly.

“Ho-ho! Feisty one, eh? Well…” he continued until she curled her tail against her back.

“W-wait a second!” A gaseous cloud of gluey musk exploded from Seraph’s buttocks as she leaped into the air.

“Ah! My eyes! My…my…eyes…” her victim yawned

Landing on all fours, Seraph pivoted to watch the short biped stagger and then fall off his limb face-first into the bushes. Immediately she ran up to him while holding her dagger overhead, ready for a quick stab.

When she saw who the Pokémon was, the skunk gawked in absolute disgust. Of all things, the creature just had to be the same type of disgusting black imp she hated to have run-ins with back home. The gremlin was barely any bigger than she was, though his skin seemed to be a few shades lighter than her fur and he had a wide red frill atop his crown with long ears and a collar that matched. His arms looked unusually scrawny in comparison to his large gray hands with sharp grayish claws. And, sticking out of his butt was a pair of reddish feathers she really knew were part of his tail.

In her mind, Weavile were amongst the lowliest beasts on the planet. Despite having some similarities with each other, their species absolutely loathed one another. To believe that this one actually tried to hit on her! But at least she got him with her Sleep Spray before he could make any more moves on her.

Putting her knife way, Seraph grabbed the cretin’s arm and started to drag him into the underbrush. As soon as she felt like they were far enough from the trail, the skunk threw the imp as far into the bushes as she could. As soon as he was out of sight, she dashed back towards the village. She knew he’d be out until tomorrow morning at least, so there wasn’t much point in trying to hide him better; nobody ever went off the main paths in the woods back home and that same mentality had be commonplace here as well.

When she reached the stream on the outskirts of the village, Seraph stopped dead in her tracks, sensing that something had suddenly changed about the atmosphere. She couldn’t tell for certain but it felt as though something was watching her from across the footbridge, just daring her to come. Furthermore, this presence didn’t have her the same feeling she got when Ghost Pokémon were nearby; it seemed borderline demonic.

Readying her bow, the skunk girl shook the feeling off and charged gung-ho into town. Darting from hut to hut, Seraph hid herself as well as she could in the slight shadows she saw on the sides of the domes. Her pelt was the perfect camouflage at night. Even if someone looked straight at her, they would never be able to spot the Skunanne with or without her stripes hidden.

After she finally reached the largest building, she stopped to examine it for a moment. The structure’s design was a bit more intricate than the rest of the shacks, modeled roughly after its proprietor for easy recognition by the few Pokémon who still remained illiterate despite the adoption of human languages over the past few centuries. At least she could take some pride in the fact that her kind actually developed their tongue before mankind went extinct.

Ear twitching wildly, the skunk drew an arrow and turned around swiftly to take deadly aim at what she thought to be an oncoming foe. However, she didn’t see anything there. Again her senses betrayed her a second time this evening. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder if was it only her imagination or if someone could really be stalking her and hiding?

“Saul! Oh, Saul!” the elderly creature called from the other side of the building.

Curiosity getting the best of her, Seraph quickly climbed to the top of the hut. There she peaked over the top to see the shadows of two Pokémon stretching out from between a couple houses over. The first she recognized as the storage unit’s owner, and the other as the distinct silhouette of a large dog Pokémon.

“Good evening, Kanga! How are you tonight?” the beast replied in a gruff voice that closely resembled Cairo’s.

“I’m fine, thank you. But I was wondering if you found that girl yet.”

“The Skunanne from this afternoon? No. She vanished into the night, it would seem. Her scent trail ends at the woods.”

No cr*p, you idiot… Seraph chuckled.

“The poor child seemed awfully shy. I just hope we didn’t intimidate her. I tried to make conversation and even gave her a small gift, but she fled the moment I spoke.”

“Don’t fret over it. She’ll be back eventually. In the meantime, get some rest. Good night!” The sound of shifting metal continued, but this time heading away from the building.

“Yes, good night!”

Afterwards, the shadows started to move into sight. Seeing that, Seraph scooted down the side of the shed she’d come up and flipped her body around so she could lay her back against it. The moment she did though, she felt the same presence again and it was almost on top of her. Scanning the ground, it didn’t look as if anybody was nearby but she knew better this time.

“Hard to shoot someone when you can’t see them, isn’t it?” a feminine voice purred from directly overhead. A large black paw pressed down on Seraph’s right shoulder and then sent several volts of electricity through her body. After the quick assault, her attacker pushed her off the building and let her fall limply to the ground.

Paralyzed from head to toe, the skunk could do nothing but watch as the silhouette of a four-and-a-half foot tall lioness leapt to a patch of dirt next to her and glinted at her with disdainful yellow eyes. As she slowly moved into the moonlight, Seraph could see that the feline had a thick black main that coursed the length of her head, neck, back, shoulders, tail, and part of her forelegs; though, distinctive blue fur covered a good portion of her face and ears, her abdomen, and most of her hind legs. Likewise, the creature had peculiar golden rings around the back of her front legs as well as similar spots in her ears and a matching spur at the end of her tail.

D*mn it to h*ll! the skunk cursed to herself.

“It’s times like these that I’m proud to be a Luxray! You may’ve gotten my partner with that spray of yours, but unlike him I know how to handle you godforsaken Psychic-types. It’s so easy to confuse your senses after all. Just like a game of hide and seek, don’t you know?” her captor laughed as she circled around Seraph.

Noting the fact, Seraph cracked a little smile and commented, “You’re right. You almost did get me.”

“Almost? What the h*ll do you mean ‘almost’?” the Luxray sneered, stopped in front of the skunk’s face.

“Hmm, think of it this way. I, a Skunanne, am not just a Psychic Pokémon but a Dark one too.”

The lioness stuck her maw in a little closer, showing her fangs and making sparks appear throughout her mane, and growled, “What’s your point, girl?”

“Well…you’re not!” Seraph remarked, making the opal earrings glow with a violet gleam. Suddenly, her attacker felt a terrible pain spread throughout her body as she was overwhelmed by the skunk’s Psychic attack. Then Seraph flung her into the side of the nearby shed as hard as she could to knockout her foe.

Slowly but surely, Seraph caught her breath and managed to get back on her feet. Her muscles were still numb and her stance wobbly, but even so she grabbed her bow and one arrow and limped away as quickly as she could. While there was no way for her to finish her part of the job now, hopefully Cairo and Kit had managed to rob the Kecleon Brothers’ stand. At least then, tonight wouldn’t have been a total waste.

No sooner did she reach the roadside of one of the town’s main streets, though, did her senses start acting up again. Not again… she quivered, knowing that another attack would sure kill her. This time, she just sat down near a signpost and laid her weapons on the ground in front of her to show her surrender.

Several moments passed yet nothing approached from any which direction. However, she could still sense something approaching.

“Yi quef!” she shouted in her tribal language. I give up! She picked up her gear again and step onto the street.

When she did, a terrifying breeze penetrated her entire body. It felt unlike anything she’d ever experienced before, as if the spirit of death were entering and exiting her soul to analyze it. The whole time it was occurring, she could’ve sworn she heard horrible whispers chanting in hateful rhythms. And then, it suddenly stopped.

“Quay vek nyi-os shyi-cu?” a powerful voice finally asked her. Where are the traitors?

As if from nowhere, a shadowy creature began to take form just a few feet in front of her. At first it took the general form of a wolf-like Pokémon. But slowly, it began to grow to over nine feet tall and became shrouded in a thick cloudlike mane of translucent silver hair that hid all but its face, chest, and forelegs. Then, its bloodshot amber-colored eyes emerged from its forehead, with a second smaller pair opening up beneath them. Finally, the monster protruded bloodstained fangs from its maw and grotesque claws grew out of its forepaws.

“What…?” she nervously asked the beast as it loomed over her with a menacing glare.

“Vek quay tok mo! Nef yi!” the demon demanded. Do not lie, child! Answer me!

“Quay vo!” she screamed. Be gone! And on command, the entity vanished.

For a moment, Seraph felt dazed… Somehow she knew what that phantom was, but she couldn’t figure out how or why. After a couple seconds, the realization struck her like a club.

“Hellfire!” she heard Cairo shout in the distance. Right afterwards, several explosions followed.

D*mn it, Cairo! she told herself as she ran back towards the entrance to town, Don’t you ever listen?

As she approached, she watched her comrades fleeing the scene of their robbery with Kit riding on Cairo’s back. Not even glancing in her direction, they took off across the bridge and into the woods.

<End Chapter One>

Before anyone says anything, I know…it’s bad. Furthermore, it’s unfinished. I’ve been struggling with this story for the past couple years and haven’t been able to get it past chapter three, and the only reason I bothered posting this one was to hopefully get some advice. If not, that’s all right because I was probably going to quit this one somewhere down the line anyways…
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Well, I have to admit, this is not my favorite story in the Writing Corner, but you know, I really liked the end.

The end of the first Chapter I didn't end up saying to myself something like: Oh, I really want to just skip this paragraph... I didn't get it in the end.

Hey, it was better than nothing. Keep it up!


-aggs
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Well, I guess I can understand that... To me, this story is just plain weird, even for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon fanfic... I'm not completely sure what I want to do with it just yet (especially since I technically didn't finish it).

In any case, thanks for reading! I really do appreciate it even if it isn't the single best thing you ever read. I'll probably end up rewriting (at least) Chapter One soon anyhow (though I'm just not sure at this point)...
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Apollo the Incinermyn said:
Well, I guess I can understand that... To me, this story is just plain weird, even for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon fanfic... I'm not completely sure what I want to do with it just yet (especially since I technically didn't finish it).

In any case, thanks for reading! I really do appreciate it even if it isn't the single best thing you ever read. I'll probably end up rewriting (at least) Chapter One soon anyhow (though I'm just not sure at this point)...



I know how you feel. I finished the first chapter of my story years ago, and finally had the guts to post it on the internet only days ago.

You got to have guts to be an author, toughen up a little bit, your story is pretty interesting, just needs a couple of touch-ups.

;)
-aggs
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

aggiegwyn said:
I know how you feel. I finished the first chapter of my story years ago, and finally had the guts to post it on the internet only days ago.

You got to have guts to be an author, toughen up a little bit, your story is pretty interesting, just needs a couple of touch-ups.

;)
-aggs

I think I saw that actually, but haven't gotten around to reading it yet... In any case, thanks for the words of inspiration! Also, if you read some of the earlier comments in the thread, I'm not exactly full of confidence, so any encouragement helps.
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Apollo the Incinermyn said:
I think I saw that actually, but haven't gotten around to reading it yet... In any case, thanks for the words of inspiration! Also, if you read some of the earlier comments in the thread, I'm not exactly full of confidence, so any encouragement helps.


Thanks! And don't worry I will provide encouragement any time I can! ;)

-aggs
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

At last, I actually get to critique a fanfic of my element (non-canon Pokémon anthro). Crystal Hikara has gone over a lot with you, but both she and I focus on different fields, so I can actually write you this small wall of text! x3

The key points about fanfics like these is that they are anthropomorphic, which means that they behave very much like humans. However, they are still "less sophisticated" creatures, so the anthro is very much like a character with two tugging internal forces: the civilized and the feral. Because logic and emotion are both equally important to the anthro, characterization and complex relationships are huge in fiction like this. I'll be referring back to this concept as I critique, because your fanfic is going to deal quite a bit with this.

So let's begin with chapter one, which just starts anew in comparison to prologue (gee, I wonder where else this happened?). Our lovely Skunanne, Seraph, sitting pretty on the branch of an oak tree, looks back three years, back to painful times where she gets disowned by her father (and kicked out of the tribe in general). Just as she returns her attention to the present, we get trouble; one of her companions, tired of the other, probably was going get rid of our "twenty-one week old Oposease" before she interfered. The result? A standoff that was broken by the pleas of the youngest member of our party for a ceasefire again.

Let's stop here for now. First impressions are so important for writing and so easy to blow past without carful construction. The third paragraph is easily in dire need of a rewrite:

This place reminded her so much of her home back. It was hard to believe that it had already been this long since she got outcast from her tribe. Even now, the memory of that horrific night still fazed her. ‘You’re no daughter of mine!’ her father’s voice screamed at the back of her mind, ‘Get the h*ll out!’ She cringed as the pain from her sendoff beating started to come back.

For such a key event, it passes by very quickly. For the casual reader, the paragraph even seems to be a not-so-important-to-pay-attention-to paragraph, and he/she would miss out on a key fact: something about Seraph or something she did was unusual (at best) or immoral (at worst). Although we do not know what it specifically is as of yet, we can expect to learn something interesting about her later on. Foreshadowing, that’s the word. We become interested in the character because we expect to learn something interesting. Foreshadowing creates expectations, which creates a good type of suspense.

But if we don’t pay attention, then everything is lost. So how do you highlight an important section of a story? Write more about it? Basic and efficient answer, but you don’t want to sound wordy and make a lazy reader skip the large paragraph. Moving the key event along a few paragraphs? That might reveal too much if you’re not careful. Giving a character… well… character is one of the most frustrating goals for a writer because there are so many ways to do it, but none of them are cut-clear. Going back to the passage at hand, we want to convey the following:
-Her longing for home
-The cruel “outcasting” (for the lack of a better word)
-The pain of losing the feeling of belonging

And a few other things that you might want to add to the list, as I only pointed out the more obvious things. As I recall in one of our chats, description is actions as well as appearances can highlight events, and bring further life into characters. Cringing makes sense, but it hardly describes the actual pain she's going through. There's also the other method I mentioned at chat, but I'm going to hold it off for now.

Now, introduction description of characters. I've said this before, but you are just awesome; excellent vision and depiction of her (and I'd go so far to call her possibly smexy... though I'm not a fan of braids. We need to undo those things). Despite the unbelievable amount of description, there's always room for improvement. Let's have a look:

At one meter tall, the seventeen-year-old Skunanne closely resembled the silhouette of a human child save only for her slight maw and her long bushy tail. Her figure was overall sylphlike and covered with elegant silk-like fur. She had beautiful sapphires for eyes that glisten in the moonlight, both of which were surrounded by thin white loops that in turn gave way to concaved lines that the sides of her forehead. As a mark of pride, the skunk girl had thicker locks atop her brow, under which her stripes seemed to vanish; those tresses were combed back neatly and twisted into three braids that dangled more than halfway down her rear. The creature’s markings returned on her shoulders and cascaded down her back in twin waterfalls of inch-long slants. Eventually the stripes merged at her tail and coursed down its midsection in a solid stripe until spreading across the tip of the appendage like a glossy fan.

Good god, I just want to read that over and over again. It's that good (and by the Lord do I want to just write an essay on the Hundred and One things that's beautiful about this paragraph). However, as you noticed, I've bolded pretty much all of the main verbs. The verb is undoubtedly the most important part of a sentence; nothing else can do its job. Even more, as living beings, we pay much more attention to movement and actions, and with moving imagery, the picture becomes even more lively. This is a possible revision under my own style:

At one meter tall, the seventeen-year-old Skunanne fancied the silhouette of a human child save only for her slight maw and her long bushy tail. Her silk-like fur flowed back and forth around her sylphlike figure in the gentle breeze. Her sapphires eyes glistened in the moonlight, both of which were circumscribed by thin white loops that in turn gave way to concaved lines that the sides of her forehead. As a mark of pride, the thicker locks atop her brow, under which her stripes seemed to vanish, combed back neatly and twisted into three braids dangled more than halfway down her rear. The creature’s markings returned on her shoulders and cascaded down her back in twin waterfalls of inch-long slants. Eventually the stripes converged at her tail and coursed down its midsection in a solid stripe until spreading across the tip of the appendage like a glossy fan.
You may also note that I have upgraded the vocabulary to higher levels, as it would match your other interesting language in the description. Another point I would like to point out is that I removed "beautiful" and "elegant." Yes, they're nice adjectives, but they interfere with the objective description of her beauty. Let the objective narrator simply give the reader the appearance and let the reader judge. If the narrator uses subjective adjectives at a place like this, then we'd question the objectivity and the credibility of the narrator.

Can't have that, nono. Still you described a pretty smexy skunk and that alone proves your ability to describe. I'd be interested to see of you can even one-up my revision. But let's move on first.

Just as Seraph's introduction was important, Cairo's and Kit's are as well. However, beyond the descriptive introduction paragraphs, the dialogue that follows is very bare. Too bare. You completely missed the chance to describe further actions that continue to characterize the people we see in the middle of the dialogue. When you watch a move, do people talk while just standing still? Very rarely. Demonstrate Seraph's agitation and Cairo's frustrated anger. I'd give an example but it would tell you how horrible I'm at this myself.

Oh, while we're at the dialogue, you made one of the weirdest rare errors that I wouldn't think to have encountered in years (this does not say that you are bad or weren't paying attention. It just says that you're human). Your tone just flickered at an odd moment:
"Here we go again," she whispered in a sweet soprano.
She is no doubt annoyed. Very annoyed, as indicated in the dialogue. Yet when I read that sentence, I felt as if she was mentally sighing with a bit of resignation. When I later realized she was actually partaking in the argument, I got confused. I really doubt you'd make that mistake again, but I just wanted to point it out so you'd be self-conscious of it.

We then go to a brief digression to the group's origin, how they ended up here, and what they had to do next. Personally, I would have prefered you to have more slowly integrate this along the way, but digressions are never fun. You raise the tension with a possible battle, and then that is suddenly released with explainations. I realize it's non-canon, and thus there must be explanations, but who said it has to be done in chunks? Furthermore, if you break it up and feed information one at a time, we'll have to start getting involved into the tale and pay attention for the facts. That's a plus for you.

I'm jumping past the planning and beginning action, because that was rather decent. I'm going to stop at.... here:
In her mind, Weavile were amongst the lowliest beasts on the planet. Despite having some similarities with each other, their species absolutely loathed one another. To believe that this one actually tried to hit on her! But at least she got him with her Sleep Spray before he could make any more moves on her.
The last thing I really want to talk with you (I promise!). Objectivity. Have a broad third-person view gives you the opportunity to state facts under the viewpoints of others. Not only does this make explanations look more interesting, it avoids having to say who's viewpoint we're looking through (so you don't have to say, in her mind). Just think of how Seraph would write this part of the story and let it naturally flow out. And always, always, always make the shift of viewpoint smooth; that is, make it seem logical without having to TELL the person who's view point we moved to.

DO NOT BE A CRYSTAL HIKARA AND BE SO EXPLICIT WITH ALL OF THIS. >_<

You're not as bad as her (good god, some of her phrases like "Thoughts ran through her mind" just make me cringe), but I'm very sure you can push past the explicit explanations and viewpoint changes that just dot your fanfic a few times.

So that's it! I'm sorry if this seems rushed, but I've got quite a bit to do! Later!
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Why does it feel like the more I find out about anthropomorphic stuff, the more I actually feel a little more comfortable writing about it...and, even more so, genuinely interested in what is it? Furthermore, I thought I was just doing a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon story, but in retrospect I guess it would technically fall in line with the anthropomorphic theme since Pokemon emulate humans to a degree... If I remember correctly, I actually said that that was even the whole idea of the PMD games when someone popped the question as to why I did this story like this on another site...ack, what's wrong with me?

Thank you for that critique, Zyflair. I didn't think it seemed rushed at all, and was really quite enlightening. I'll try and rework this a little based on what you said and come back with a revised version of this chapter soon...
 
RE: Biohazard (PG-13, Chapter One posted...but...)

Um, Apollo...? You're getting self-conscious. x3

And you're very welcome.
 
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