Writing Child of Captive (Update: Chapter 5)

RaichuGirl

Australian National champion 2014
Member
"Raichu!" I exclaimed, blinking slightly as I saw the pokémon running through the seemingly endless field. Instantly I began to sprint after the electrical mouse pokémon, starting to heavily pant as my pace gradually slowed. "Raichu, please come back!"

I pouted as I was forced to stop, leaning over as I attempted to gasp for air. Rapidly, I licked my dry lips, sitting down as my breathing rate returned to normal and the beating of my erratic heart slowed. I looked around, seeing that the Raichu had disappeared; a grimace lined my face as I held back tears.

Eventually I turned my head to look around, hoping to see more pokémon in this mysterious field. I couldn't help but notice that the overly green grass that always lined the field was shorter than usual. I was half tempted to stand up and explore the area, but I didn't, knowing that it always ended up being the same; a grassland with no end.

I sighed as I curled up into a ball, hugging my knees to her chest. As impatience overcame me as I scrunched up my nose; I seemed to be endlessly waiting for any other pokémon to show themselves. I had come here enough times to recognize that the pokémon would only come out when I was silent.

As I began to fiddle with my light brown, shoulder length locks of hair, I looked up to the almost blindingly white sky, squinting my eyes as I attempted to spot any flying pokémon. The longer I stared into the white light, the brighter it seemed to become, soon forcing my gaze back to the soft grass.

Suddenly, there it was. I spotted an Abra limping along in the grass, which had seemed to have grow centimetres in the short time that I had looked away.

"Abra!" I squeaked, rushing over to see if the obviously injured pokémon was okay. I was mere steps away when the pokémon caught sight of me, instantly teleporting away in a flurry of purple and yellow. My eyebrows instantly scrunched up, disappointment shining in my eyes.

As I sat down once again, I noticed the grass suddenly darkening as it fell limp. I knew that my time here was over as the cloudless white sky faded to a grey, nearly reaching black as everything began spinning. Eventually I shut my eyes, trying to prevent dizziness as the ground below me faded into nothingness.

"Malena, wake up," the mother of the sleeping girl shouted, gently shaking her right shoulder. "You'll be late for school."

The blue-eyed girl gently bit her lip as her eyes fluttered open, widening slightly as she realized that she was in her room. "Mum, I dreamed of pokémon again! I saw Abra, and even Raichu!"

The woman sighed at her daughter, shaking her head slightly. "Malena, you know that those pokémon became extinct many years ago." The brunette felt her shoulder's droop as she was reminded. "The only pokémon that still exist are the ones we eat, like Magikarp and Tauros. Now go and get ready for school."

Malena couldn't help but grimace at her female parent's words. The girl still ate pokémon meat, although she always tried not to think about the fact that it was made of real pokémon.

"I'm going, mother," she grumbled, searching for her white pokémon cap, which had a picture of mew sown onto the front.

Malena soon located it under her bed, placing it on the small desk in the corner of the room as she hunted for her other clothes. The girl soon found her white short-sleeved top, which had a large Eevee in the middle, and her short denim shorts.

Malena grabbed her large navy-blue schoolbag, which had been lazily thrown onto the floor the night before. After placing her mew cap on her head, she stumbled towards the kitchen, eager to start her day.

Once the girl had entered the kitchen, and idly dropped her bag on the floor, she flung open the cupboard, her eyes widening as she realized that there was no more of her favourite cereal. Sighing slightly, the girl reached for the tasteless cornflakes that her mother constantly ate.

As Malena forced down the meal, her mind wandered back to the recurring dreams she'd been having; the ones that contained the pokémon that she'd learned about it history class.

"They were so real," the girl mumbled to herself, thinking back to the Raichu, which had been running on all four legs. The small brown stripes that had lined the creature's back were blurred slightly from the speed of the running; the ears of the pokémon had been waving wildly. The girl briefly recalled that the tail had been lying limply on the ground, although she didn't know why. "Could the Raichu have been injured too?"

Malena's eyebrows scrunched up as she pressed her mouth into a thin, straight line; the thought of the limping Abra bothered her. The brunette couldn't help but try to recall whether any of the pokémon in her previous dreams had seemed hurt in any way.

She gasped as she realized that the Togekiss from one of her earlier dreams had been gliding at a slight angle, one wing obviously more capable than the other; while the Charmander she'd seen had a flame on its tail that was barely as large has her thumb, and her hands were quite small for a ten-year old.

"What's going on with my dreams?" she sighed, abandoning her breakfast in favour of once again grabbing her bag, then rushing out the door. The girl was determined to get to school; she had to discuss the strange occurrences in her dreams with her friends.

It didn't take Malena long to arrive at the red-bricked one-level building that was school; she lived in an extremely small town in the Sinnoh region, pretty much everywhere was within walking distance. The brunette stumbled up to the main entrance, grumbling under her breath as she realized that it was locked.

"How come I can't get in!" she exclaimed, causing a grazing Pidgey to blankly stare at her. "It's only... eight o-clock?" The brunette gasped as she realized how early she was; school didn't start for another half-hour.

Malena decided to spend some time on her school's playground, knowing that it would probably make time fly by. The girl stretching her arms briefly before jumping onto the swing; her favourite piece of equipment. Quickly she propelled herself back and forth, hoping that the simple action would cause time to speed up.

"If only I had a Dialga," the girl mused, chuckling slightly. "I could just time-travel."

Malena swung back and forth, her legs slowly beginning to rock in an almost robotic way; as she felt herself going higher and higher, she shut her eyes, allowing the slightly cool wind to brush her face.

The girl let out a slight giggle as she started to pretend that she wasn't on the swing; that she was actually sitting on the back of a powerful pokèmon called Flygon. She gradually allowed her imagination to take over; she started out believing that she was simply sitting on the dragon pokemon's back, but eventually she pretended that she and the Flygon were battling raging winds as thy tried to save the world from an unknown threat.

"Malena!" the brunette jumped in fright as someone snapper her from the daydream, nearly causing her to fall off the swing. Malena noticed that the playground had gradually filled with various laughing kids as her mind had wandered. The girl briefly waved to a brown-haired boy named Rory before turning her head in the direction of the voice.

"Cassidy?" the brunette stated, immediately slowing down the swing until she was able to jump off.

"Let me guess," the taller girl stated, running her hand through her long blonde hair and raising her left eyebrow slightly, "you had another pokémon dream."

Immediately Malena nodded, sheepishly grinning as Cassidy rolled her eyes. The girl quickly attempted to recall the pokemon's descriptions; she knew that the blonde wouldn't know a pokémon from just its name.

"I saw the electric mouse pokémon, Raichu, as well as the psi pokémon, Abra." the girl's excited high pitch voice faded a bit as she continued to speak, her hands on her hips. "I noticed something different in this one though."

"And what was that?" Cassidy questioned curiosity shining in her hazel eyes as she saw the brunette's frown deepen.

"They," Malena paused for a second, shakily inhaling before continuing to speak. 'They were hurt." Her blonde friend let out a grunt of acknowledgement. "It caused me to realize that most of the pokémon, if not all, from my other dreams were injured too."

The young blonde's eyes temporarily widened, although they soon returned to their normal size as the girl took a deep breath. "You know that dreams are based on the last thing a person was thinking before they fell asleep? You must be kind of messed up."

Instantly Malena felt fire in her heart as she gritted her teeth. "I would never want to hurt a pokémon."

The brunette knew that her friend was only teasing her; however, she hated it when people unnecessarily injured pokémon. She still remembered the day she had pushed a boy over because he was throwing rocks at a Pidgey; she was generally not a violent person, however the powerful creatures seemed to bring that out in her.

"Chill," was all Cassidy mumbled before the two fell into silence; eventually the taller girl nudged her head towards the door, causing the two to walk into the now unlocked building.

"We have history class first," Malena gleefully exclaimed, her eyes glistening, as she looked at the whiteboard that contained their schedule; the girl scrunched her eyebrows up slightly as she realized that all the tiny board said was 'period 1 - history', but she soon shrugged it off, presuming that the teacher forgot to write periods two to six.

Pretty much everyone in the town knew of the brunette's love for the first class of the day, history; the class where they learned about the pokémon of the past. Those who forgot the young brunette's name would simply call her 'the Pokémaniac'.

The two girls easily found seats together in their fourth grade class; most students were chatting and joking about how they wished the teacher wouldn't show up; Malena was the opposite. The ten-year old was currently fiddling with her fingers as she bit her lip; she was twitching in her seat, unable to sit still. The only time this girl seemed to have patience was when she was in her mysterious dream pokémon world.

The brunette nearly jumped up in excitement as the teacher finally walked in, five minutes late for class.

"Sorry I was late, boys and girls," her teacher exclaimed with a sheepish laugh, scratching his greying mustache. "But something very special is happening today."

Malena felt endless energy fill her body as the relatively old man pulled suitcase from his worn leather bag. Slowly he put it on his desk; standing in front of it to prevent the class from seeing. The brunette was sitting on the edge of her seat as she heard the metallic click of the suitcase's latches. The teacher pulled one of the mysterious objects out; the rustling of tissue paper could be heard as he did.

"Turn around already!" Malena heard one of her peers exclaim, causing her to vigorously nod her head in agreement.

The teacher let out chuckle at his student's impatience, before slowly turning around, only to hide the small object behind his back; almost every one in the class let out a collective groan. "Alright, here it is!"

Malena's eyes widened as the small red and white sphere was revealed. It was a pokeball. Malena had been begging her mum to get one for months, only to be rejected because her mum thought they were stupid.

"Yes, Malena, it's a pokeballl." the brunette felt her face flush in embarrassment as she realized that she had automatically jumped up and exclaimed 'pokeball'; most of the class were now staring at her with one eyebrow raised, while other children were sniggering at her.

Malena promptly sat down, lowering her head onto her desk in an attempt to draw attention away from herself.

"These were used to catch pokemon for battle," the history teacher began to exclaim, causing Malena to tune out; she had spent countless hours researching this sphere; even going to the to the towns' small library.

"And today we're getting out of the classroom." Malena felt herself begin to focus at these words. A grin finding its way onto her face as she tediously attempted to recall the last time they went outside during school hours. "We're going to the lake to go fishing for Magicarp! You can all catch them in your pokeballs, then bring them back to your parents for dinner."

Malena sighed a bit after her teacher's words; she didn't want to use her pokeball on the Magicarp that were genetically modified not to evolve. The girl wanted to find a powerful and cool pokemon, like Luxray, even though she knew that they apparently no longer existed.

"Everyone come and take a pokeball, there's only one for everyone though, so don't be greedy." Everyone slowly began shuffling up to the teacher's desk, bar Malena, who sprinted there, nearly tripping two of her classmates in the process.

She snatched a pokeball from the suitcase, ignoring the protesting rustle of tissue paper. The girl then rushed back to her seat, eager to begin testing it out. The girl started out by pressing the little white button on the front of the device, giggling as the tiny ball expanded to a size larger than her hand.

"Go, pokemon!" Malena shouted, throwing the pokeball up in the air as the rest of the class once again turned to stare at her.

The pokeball went quite high, before freezing in mid air. Malena felt herself gasp and stumble backwards as she the red and white sphere opened; however, a few seconds later the ball closed and dropped back towards the ground.

"It was empty?" the girl sighed to herself as she successfully attempted to catch it.

"You really thought that a pokemon would be in there?" Cassidy bluntly added as she walked up to her friend, pokeball in hand.

"Ugh, shut up Cassy." Malena joked, sticking her tounge out; although internally she felt extreme disappointment that the tiny ball was empty; she felt slightly empty.

"Never use my nickname!" Cassidy immediately warned through gritted teeth.

Malena simply chuckled at her slightly pessimistic friend, before watching the various other children throw up their pokeballs; all were empty.

"Come on, class." the old teacher exclaimed, scratching his mustache again as he pointed towards the door. "Out to the bus."

Malena trudged out of the classroom and onto the bus with the rest of the class; not excited about the trip to Magicarp lake at all. The girl felt herself slouch as she allowed Cassidy to sit in the window seat of the bus, collapsing in the seat next to the blonde. A grimace appeared on her face as she rested her head on her hands.

"What's wrong with you?" Cassidy questioned, raising her left eyebrow for the umpteenth time that day. "You love this sort of stuff."

For a while Malena just sighed at her friend; as the bus began to drive the brunette exclaimed, "I just don't want a pokémon like Magicarp, that's all."

"A Miltank?" Cassidy questioned, causing Malena to shake her head. "A Touros? A Pidgey?"

"No!" Malena exclaimed, successfully quieting her friend. " I want a real pokemon. In the old days, when people were our age, they'd receive a Chimchar, Piplup or Turtwig!" The blonde girl opened her mouth to reply, however Malena rapidly continued to rant. "And I know they supposedly don't exist anymore, but I believe that they're still out there somewhere; that all the pokemon are."

Cassidy simply shook her head at her friend, unsure as to how the girl could be so positive; she knew that the brunette would eventually be crushed when she finally accepted that those pokémon had died out. The blonde unfortunately knew that the girl would probably force her to crawl through some dark soggy cave before that stage of acceptance.

"We're here!" the teacher over enthusiastically exclaimed as the bus pulled to a stop. "Everyone out!"

Malena and Cassidy sat in silence for a while, waiting for the stampede of students to leave the bus before they finally stood up and stumbled out.

The teacher gently rubbed the back of his neck. "Everyone sit on the grass while I go to the storehouse and grab the fishing lines. Can you help me, Rory and Michael?"

The aforementioned boys begrudgingly followed the teacher as their friends stuck out their tongues, hysterically giggling at the two chosen boys.

"I don't even want to fish for Magicarp," the brunette huffed as she sat down on the soft grass.

"Don't then," Cassidy muttered, jumping slightly as a Magicarp suddenly sprung out of the water, flailing in the air before dropping back down into the lake.

"Fine, I won't!" Malena replied, half because she didn't really wan to, and half because she took Cassidy's words as a challenge; she wasn't one to back down.

As the teacher came back with numerous fishing rods, Cassidy and Malena sat still, the latter with her nose pointing towards the sky. Hours passed as the two girls sat on the grass, talking to each other about their various interests.

"So..." Cassidy began, trailing off, "have you saved up enough money for that fully completed pokedex yet?"

"No." Malena huffed, grimacing at her friend. "The more I save the expensiver it seems to become."

"You are aware that isn't a word?" Cassidy questioned her friend with a smirk; the brunette simply shrugged. "You can have my pokeball if you like?"

Malena allowed a squeal to escape her lips as the blonde unenthusiastically threw the small device at her.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Malena squeaked out as she caught the tiny ball. "Now I have two pokeballs for when I discover proper pokémon."

Malena could see the corners of the taller girl's lips twitching slightly; she could tell that the blonde was itching to inform her that 'proper' pokémon would never be discovered, as they didn't exist. The brunette was glad that the girl was holding her tongue.

"I hope everyone's caught a Magicarp!" the two girl's suddenly heard the teacher exclaim, a chuckle escaping his lips. Instantly Malena heard a murmur of voices, most of them exclaiming 'yes'. "Very good, back onto the bus."

Malena carefully stood up, placing the minimized pokeball that Cassidy had given her into the pocket of her short denim shorts, then rushed after her blonde friend, jumping onto the air-conditioned bus as the driver impatiently honked the horn.

I'd love to hear some con-crit; this is my first time writing with an OC as the protagonist, and I'm quite inexperienced with first person.

Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
 
RE: Child of Captive

Heh, this is very good! There were only a few grammar mistakes, and one common mistake is that you usually don't use a little letter after a statement. Like, for example:

"Cassidy?" The brunette stated, immediately slowing down the swing until she was able to jump off.

The first word after the dialogue (in this case, it's 'The') should always begin with a little t, not a big T. Just a example.

Anyways, I look forward to Chapter Two! I really liked Child of Captive.
 
RE: Child of Captive

I'm gonna let Incy take care of this first, and then see what I can find. Currently I'm liking it though.
 
RE: Child of Captive

Overall, I like where this story is going, but I noticed that you've got a severe over-tendency to use the semi-colon when you really shouldn't be. While it's true that it can be used to either merge two related sentences into one or occasionally be used in substitute for a comma, it's easy to overuse it to the point where it just become downright incorrect and makes your sentences looks sloppy.

First Case said:
Malena couldn't help but grimace at her female parent's words; the girl still ate pokémon meat, although she always tried not to think about the fact that it was made of real pokémon.

The key rule when conjoining sentences with a semi-colon is that you're only supposed to when connecting a directly-related sentence to a previous one if you start the second one with the word 'however' or the word 'though.' There are rare instances where you can get off without using them, but I usually only try to do that if my next sentence is exceedingly short. In most cases, you're just safer ending the first sentence with a period, and capitalizing the first word of the next sentence. It looks cleaner and doesn't stick out as much as a semi-colon does.

Second Case said:
"Malena!" the brunette jumped in fright as someone snapper her from the daydream; nearly causing her to fall off the swing.

The comma substitution is a tricky case to really spot because it's a special rule. Usually, it's reserved strictly for listing, and even more so when you already intend to use commas within the list to discern between what's part of the list and what's a description about something within it. You should never use it to designate that part of your sentence is an added description or phrase. Commas are almost always the better choice.

Additionally, I noticed that you used commas a lot. Some of them could probably have been eliminated, while others were almost completely unnecessary altogether.

The girl soon found her white, short-sleeved top, which had a large Eevee in the middle, and her short denim shorts.

In this case, the bolded comma isn''t necessary, and kind of detracts from the description since you're describing her shirt as being a 'white short-sleeved top.' Similarly...

After grabbing her large, navy-blue schoolbag, which had been lazily thrown onto the floor the night before, she placed her mew cap on her head and stumbled towards the kitchen, eager to start her day.

The first comma here has the same problem. You're describing how she has a 'large navy-blue schoolbag,' all of which talk about the exact same object.

Coincidentally, this same sentence is a grammatical mess. I personally would rewrite it as something on the lines of this...

Malena grabbed her large navy-blue schoolbag, which had been lazily thrown onto the floor the night before. After placing her mew cap on her head, she stumbled towards the kitchen, eager to start her day.

Note how the previous one was too lengthy and had several commas conjoining details that didn't need to be stated altogether, adding a little confusion about what's going on. Sometimes breaking a lengthy sentence into two short ones is a better way to clarify what a person is doing and what he/she sees.

Other than those, there weren't a lot of major issues in terms of grammar, spelling, and punctuation. However, I feel that the narration itself was a bit skimpy, perhaps because you admitted in the beginning that you didn't have a defined idea of where this is heading (which is quite fine). I personally like to focus my attention on character building through strong narration and description. That way I know I have a good foundation to work from later on in the story. Of course, these are skills that you can develop over time.
 
RE: Child of Captive

Thank you, I've changed those sentences.

And I've always been pretty bad at description, I've been trying to improve, but I still have a long way to go. Hopefully I can add a bit more next chapter.
 
RE: Child of Captive

RaichuGirl said:
Thank you, I've changed those sentences.

And I've always been pretty bad at description, I've been trying to improve, but I still have a long way to go. Hopefully I can add a bit more next chapter.

Mastering description may be your hardest challenge, but it's also the most worthwhile skill once you start master it. It deals mostly in telling your readers exactly how you envision things, if that helps give you any insight as to what I mean.
 
RE: Child of Captive - (Chapter 2 is up)

Here's chapter 2! I'd love to hear what you think/your constructive criticism.

I glanced up at the pure white sky as I opened my eyes, vigorously blinking as the bright light forced me to turn my gaze away. As I looked around the field, expecting to see a Pokémon, I noticed that the previously overly green grass was all withered and dead; the Browning strands not even attempting to stand straight.

With wide eyes I suddenly remembered that I had fallen asleep while holding the pokéballs I had gotten at school yesterday, hoping that they would appear in this dream with me. As I glanced down at my hands I saw that this wasn't the case; the pokéballs were nowhere to be seen. A grimace formed on my face as I leisurely walked through the dying grass, hoping to find any Pokémon; I'd usually see at least two before I awoke for the morning.

"Wingull!" I jumped as I heard the seagull Pokémon cry out its name. Shielding my eyes from the blindingly bright light of the sky, I attempted to look up at it, squinting to locate the mostly white Pokémon in the white of the sky. After vigorously blinking for a while, I managed to catch sight of the two blue stripes on the Pokémon's wings. As I narrowed my eyes I noticed a small scar on its underbelly, right near its beak. The slightly jagged pink line stood out among the wingull's white coat.

As the white light suddenly increased in intensity I snapped my gaze back down onto the ground, suddenly noticing that the dying grass had vanished; only a dark soil remained. I scrunched my eyebrows up as I spun around once. Hesitantly I began to explore the dirt-ridden field, not wanting to sit down on the soil; I strongly disliked soil, probably due to the fact that my mum tried to force me into gardening before I could walk.

"Wingull," I heard the Pokémon exclaim, although it sounded as if the cry had come from a long way away, it was faint. I grunted, hating that the Pokémon always seemed to run away from me. Stumbling slightly as I continued to walk, I hunched my shoulders, knowing that, like always, this field wouldn't have an end. I didn't want to stop though, what if I somehow sunk into the dirt?

"Maybe all this soil is here because I'm going to see a ground Pokémon?" I mused, shrugging my shoulders as I glanced around.

Suddenly my eyes widened as I bit my lip gently. I spotted some colours and greenery amongst the dry dirt that covered the ground. I couldn't help but allow my jaw to drop; this place usually just looked like someone had copied and pasted the exact same grass all throughout the field; it was not usual to see anything out of place. I began to sprint over to the greenery, shuddering slightly as the feeling of deja vu caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand up.

"This-this looks just like my mother's flower garden," I gasped as I saw a line of light purple 'blue ice' flowers. I smiled at these; they had always been my favourite, as they reminded me of tiny mauve stars with little white dots in the center. They didn't smell of anything, but that had never really mattered to me.

My eyes began to glance over to the next row of flowers, when I caught sight of a crescent moon-shaped rock which I didn't remember being in my mother's real flower garden; she'd never allow a stray rock to stay in her garden; she was the one who hated autumn due to the stray leaves that were constantly blowing into our garden. As my eyes narrowed I touched the smooth rock, hesitating for a second before picking it up. I held it up to my eyes, running my finger around the perimeter as though it would somehow give me a clue as to what it meant.

After staring at the light-grey rock for what seemed like ages - although I could never be sure in these dreams - I held it up to the sky; it was moon shaped afterall, so theoretically that should do something. I continued to hold it up until my arm began to ache and feel heavy.

"What is so special about this rock?" I wondered out loud, once again scrunching up my eyebrows. I gently lowered myself to sit on the small amount of grass that surrounded the multicoloured flowers. "Can this rock help me figure out why I have these Pokémon dreams? Is there anything special about where it was placed?"

I stood up again, walking over to between the line blue ice flowers and the line of orange ones, of which breed I did not know. There was a crescent moon dent in the soil from where the rock had sat. I lowered my hand towards the spot, hesitating slightly and shuddering before I gently poked it with one of my fingers. I twitched my finger slightly as I felt the dry dirt touch it, causing me to once again shudder. After blinking a few times I went to touch it again, tightly grasping the moon-shaped rock in my left hand as I flicked some of the dirt away using my nail.

Suddenly an ear-piercingly loud roar filled the field, causing me to jump away from the garden in fright, dropping the rock in the process. I quickly stumbled to my feet as my head twitched around, attempting to discover the location of the overly loud roar. I gulped as I was unable to spot anything other than the endless soil and my mother's flower garden replica. Shaking slightly, I bend down and pick up the smooth rock, narrowing my eyes as I slowly spun around in a circle.

As my heart-rate began to slow, I squatted down in front of the place in which the rock had sat. Noticing that the soil underneath the dirt I had flicked away was a slightly different colour; a lighter brown than that of the surface. I slowly moved my hand towards the dirt again, fully intending to flick away more when the entire sky seemed to light up with orange and red. Instantly I was on my feet again, catching sight of the being who had roared before; a seemingly giant Charizard.

Instantly, I felt myself tense as the flame Pokémon flew closer and closer, releasing a torrent of fire into the sky once again. My eyes' widened as I felt the need to run. As the pokemon swished his tail, he let out a growl, I felt myself stumble backwards, deeply inhaling.

Without warning the ground around me began to spin and the sky faded to grey; I knew that that meant I was waking up. I was almost relieved to get away from this mysterious field of Pokémon, as the Charizard was within one-hundred meters of me now, and he did not appear to have friendly intentions. I shut my eyes as I saw the soil around me fade to nothingness, sighing in relief as the Charizard's shriek faded to silence.
 
RE: Child of Captive - (Chapter 2 is up)

Thank you! Does anyone else have any feedback for me? :)
 
RE: Child of Captive - (Chapter 2 is up)

Finally, here's chapter 3!

Malena awoke with a start, shuddering slightly at the thought of the giant Charizard that had been flying straight towards her. As she deeply inhaled, trying to calm her racing heart, she sat up, rubbing her eyes before briefly glancing around her room. The girl's eyebrows furrowed as she noticed that her two pokéballs were lying on the ground. "How come they didn't come with me into my dream?"

Shaking her head slightly, Malena threw her bed covers off and got out of bed, glancing at the clock and noticing that it was only six am. The brunette quickly grabbed an old pair of previously white runners which had now faded to a pale grey. She then rushed out to the back garden, where her mother's patch of flowers were.

"There has to be something here," Malena whispered as she knelt down, shivering slightly due to the cold morning air. "Where is the moon rock?"

The brunette gently bit her lip as she shakily reached her hand to touch the dirt; her eyebrows scrunched up and she shuddered as she touched the slightly moist dirt with her index finger. Ever so slowly she began to brush her finger along the surface of the soil, drawing a creasant moon pattern where the rock had been in her dream. She then retracted her finger from the dirt, frantically wiping the soil off using her other hand. "There has got to be something more to these dreams! I know there is!"

The girl let out a frustrated grunt as she ran her hand through her shoulder-length brown hair, narrowing her eyes as her fingers were stopped by knots. As she gently rubbed her temples she glanced around the garden, soon noticing a bright red watering can and a large metal spade sitting by the wooden fence that surrounded the garden. Slowly she began to approach the two items, leaning over to grab the cold metal spade.

"Maybe if I dig something will happen?" The girl knew that her sudden irritation was making her act slightly irrationally, but she had been having these dreams for months, and now that the dreams had given her some sort of clue, she knew that she had to try and do whatever possible to solve it.

After walking back to the flower garden, she very carefully she pushed the spade into the place where she had drawn the moon symbol, gently scooping out the dirt and placing it in a small pile on the grass that surrounded the flower garden. Letting out another frustrated grunt she pushed the spade in again, scooping out more soil before quickly glancing towards the back door. She knew that if her mum caught her digging in the flower garden she'd be in huge trouble.

"I have to find out what my Pokémon dream was saying before Mum wakes up," she mumbled to herself, suddenly glad that the Charizard had caused her to wake up significantly earlier than usual.

For the third time she scooped dirt out of the flower garden, cringing as she noticed that she had broken some of the roots of one of the orange flower.

"There has got to be something," she gently whispered, desperation creeping into her voice. She didn't hesitate to scoop up another spade full of dirt, blinking as she noticed a spot of white amongst the dirt. Quickly she reached down to grab it, her breath hitching in her throat as her hand came into contact with the dirt. After shuddering slightly, she made sure she had a firm grip on the whatever the white thing was, then tugged it from the soil.

"A pokéball?" She whispered, her eyes widening as she covered her gaping mouth with her clean hand. Abandoning the flower garden, she rushed over to the garden tap, jumping back to avoid the water splashing onto her shoes as she turned it on. She then placed her tense, dirt-covered, pokéball-holding hand under the water, washing the soil off both her skin and the pokéball. The girl briefly removed her hand from the water in order to place the the now clean pokéball in her pocket, not caring that her baby blue pyjama pants became wet. The brunette then picked the dirt out of her nails, letting out a sigh of relief once she had rid herself of the soil.

After the girl had turned the tap off, she stumbled over to the pile of dirt she created, carefully using the spade to place it back into the flower garden without touching the soil with her hand. She weakly attempted to make it look like she had never dug there; although the dirt looked slightly lumpy, she threw the spade back over to by the watering can and headed inside. She couldn't help but smile to herself, as she hadn't been caught by her mother.

Once she was safely back in her room, she took the pokéball out of her pocket, pressing the button in order to enlarge it. She heard her heart beating as she began to breathe faster; butterflies fluttering in her stomach. As she threw the pokéball up into the air, she didn't hesitate to exclaimed, "Go! Pokémon!"

The girl's eyes widened as the pokéball froze in mid air; the red and white sphere opening. For a brief second Malena thought that the ball was empty, and that it would soon limply fall back down to the ground. However, she quickly realised that she was incorrect as a bright red beam came from the pokeball, causing Malena to squint then look away, before covering her eyes as the bright red light increased in both intensity and size.

Without warning, she heard a faint click, and then a gentle thunk as the pokéball fell limply onto the ground. As the girl opened her eyes, she gasped, stumbling back in shock as her eyes widened. Floating slightly left of the lifeless pokeball was Cresselia, which Malena recalled was the Lunar pokemon.

Gulping ever so slightly, she took a single step closer to the Pokémon, blinking to make sure that female Pokémon was actually floating in her room.

"C-Cresselia? Hi," she gradually whispered as the Pokémon remained motionless in front of her.

Malena deeply inhaled before taking another step towards the Pokémon. The brunette glanced up at the Cresselia, who was roughly fifteen centermetres taller than her. "Were you the one showing me the dreams of all those injured pokémon?"

For a couple of moments the Cresselia continued to stare down at her, yet after a minute of silence, the pink colour that surrounded the Lunar pokemon's white pupils began to shimmer, almost as if it was some sort of pink glass reflecting the light in Malena's room. The brunette felt her heart skip a beat as the room suddenly deteriorated around her.

Instinctively she wrapped her arms around Cresselia, shaking slightly as she saw the wooden floor of her room collapse into spinning orbs of pale yellow and navy blue light. Malena couldn't but grasp on tightly, presuming that she would fall through the spinning orbs and to her death if she let go.

"It is alright, child." Malena's head snapped to the left, then to the right as she attempted to locate the source of the voice, which was still faintly echoing in the distance. "We are in the dream world now. Nothing can hurt you if you let go."

Malena's eyes fell upon the Pokémon that she was still holding around the neck; although the Pokémon was lifting her as if she was weightless. Hesitating slightly as she gently bit her lip, the brunette let go, allowing the breath that she didn't know she was holding to escape as she landed on some sort of invisible ground.

"I am the one who has been showing you the dreams of Pokémon," the Cresselia confirmed, her voice booming through the world of dreams.

"Malena nodded, as she leaned forward slightly. "Why were you showing me those dreams?"

The metre and a half tall Pokémon shook her head slightly as her eyes briefly flashed with shimmering pink light. "It is a long story that all started hundreds of years ago. I'm not aware of the full story, only bits and pieces."

Malena's eyebrows furrowed as she glanced up at the crescent-moon shaped head of the Pokémon, waiting for her to continue the story. "As I usually did back in the days of Pokémon battles and freedom, I was hovering in the centre of full-moon island, attempting to sense nightmares caused by my acquaintance, Darkrai. For hours I was not able to find any tormented and manipulated dreams, which was peculiar, as my acquaintance usually invades the dream of ten or so humans and Pokémon per night. After hour upon hour of waiting for the psychic warning of Darkrai's dream meddling, I received notice of one of the nightmares forming in a child."

The Cresselia paused for a moment, frowning slightly as if deep in thought before continuing. "Usually Darkrai's dreams are of simple phobias, such as tormenting children with a fear of bug Pokémon by forcing them to dream about thousands of Caterpie; however, this dream was different. As soon as I entered it, I saw that Darkrai himself had apparently come to torment the poor child; although I soon realised that my initial thought was wrong, as the dream was actually a memory of Darkrai being projected into the child's mind. Previously I had not known that my acquaintance was capable of even projecting memories."

Cresselia gently shook her head. "The memory was of Darkrai battling with a Heracross which was under the command of a man named Denaran. Darkrai was struggling to fight against the Pokémon due to the weakness it has to both types; the Pokémon also seemed to be holding some sort of berries that prevented him from sleeping, no matter how many times Darkrai tried to force it asleep."

"A chesto berry or a lum berry," Malena immediately stated, remembering her 3rd grade history test in which she had to recite what every berry's effect on Pokémon were. "But the Heracross should have only been able to hold one. It's against the rules to hold any more."

"This man was obviously not there to give my acquaintance a fair chance," Cresselia stated. "After a tiring battle between the two Pokémon, Denaran threw some sort of pale yellow cube at Darkrai, capturing my acquaintance within."

"A cube?" Malena muttered, her eyebrows furrowing. "But you can only catch pokemon with a pokeball!"

"That is what I believed too, child." The Cresellia once again shook her head. "But evidently we were wrong."

Malena gently bit her lip. "What happened to darkrai?"

"I am not entirely sure." Cresselia briefly looked towards the shining blue and yellow orbs which were floating underneath the invisible barrier which acted as a floor. "The memory ended with Denaran muttering 'take it to the other dimension!'."

"Th-the other dimension?" Malena questioned. "What did he mean?"

"I can only presume that he was referencing the distortion world created by Giratina."

"Do you think all the other Pokémon are there?" Malena questioned, thinking back to the injured Pokémon from her dream.

"I have been able to contact some of the Pokémon in that world through their dreams. However, I am only able to contact those who are captured in pokéballs, not the cubes that Darkrai and most other Pokémon are held in. I have been trying to transfer these pokémon into any humans' dream to attempt to get him or her to free all the Pokémon. Those who I talk to have told me that the Pokémon in the cubes are somehow controlled by Denaran."

"That's horrible, how could he take away their freedom?" Malena interrupted, her shoulders slumping.

"Indeed. That atrocious man also abuses the pokemon who he can not control, meaning all those in a pokéball have to do what he says unless they want to be punished."

Malena grimaced as she shuddered slightly. "How come you aren't with them?"

"I'm not entirely sure," Cresselia began. "But I believe that it has something to do with the fact that one of Denaran's grunts captured me in a pokeball when I was visiting the home of Darkrai in order to confirm that the memory I saw was real. Denaran must have not believed that he could control me, as he commanded the grunt to hide me somewhere in which nobody could find me."

"I found you though, didn't I?" Malena inquired. "And now we can save all the Pokémon, right?"

"It is fortunate that this town, and more specifically, your house, was built around my pokéball. I am not able to send my dreams very far, as I spend most of my energy speaking to the Pokémon in the other dimension." Cresselia nodded slightly. "We have to free those trapped by the man. Pokémon and humans should live in peace, not under the tyranny of one man."

"How can we help them though? Do you know how we can contact Giratina?" Malena whispered.

"I have tried to contact the renegrade Pokémon many times, but I can only presume that he is under control of Denaran. The Pokémon with freewill in that dimension have discovered a way to temporarily give the controlled Pokémon back their free will, although only for a few minutes. If they are able to get close enough to Giratina, the psychic Pokémon can release it from that man's control, although it is quite risky, as Giratina is very powerful."

"So Giratina can create a way into that dimension for us?" Malena asked.

"Yes, child. We need to confront Denaran, and defeat him. It won't be easy, but it is necessary. We can't let him continue to injure and manipulate all the Pokémon." Cresselia muttered, causing Malena to nod.

"We have to beat him! The bad are always supposed to lose!" She whispered to herself.

"That is all I can tell you for now, child, as you need to wake up for human school. Do not tell anyone what you've heard while Pokémon are around, Denaran probably has psychic Pokémon analysing what is happening in this dimension by looking through the eyes' of the Pokémon who live in the human world," Cresselia warned.

Malena nodded, sighing slightly. "So that's why not all the Pokémon have been taken."

Cresselia briefly nodded before the ground orbs of colour faded to black. Malena hesitantly shut her eyes, knowing that she would wake up when she opened them.

What did you think?
 
RE: Child of Captive - (Chapter 3 is up)

Bump. Does anyone have any constructive criticism?
 
RE: Child of Captive (Update: Chapter 3)

I'm really bad at updating, but finally chapter 4 is here!

Malena let out a groggy groan as her eyes fluttered open. Forcing herself to sit up, she whimpered slightly, rubbing the shoulder that had slammed against the hard wooden floor when Cresselia had forced her to sleep. As she blinked her eyes, sleep still fresh in her mind, she thought she could faintly hear the words "Sorry, child," ringing through her ears, although she quickly shook it off as her imagination.

Cresselia was still quietly floating in front of the girl, her eyes occasionally shimmering pink like the sun through a magenta stained glass window. Malena quickly crawled over to the pokeball which still remained on the ground next to the levitating pokemon. After picking it up, she glanced at the crescent moon shaped head of the pokemon, nodding as the pokemon did the same.

Malena then whispered, "Cresselia, return," as she pushed the middle button of the pokeball. Instantly the almost blindingly red light illuminated Cresselia, as the gentle yellow, pink and blues of the pokemon faded to match the red. As the Lunar pokemon began to decrease in size, Malena looked away, preventing the light from hurting her eyes. The girl scrunched her eyelids closed until she heard the faint click of the pokeball.

"Why didn't I ask where the portal is?" Malena grumbled, opening her eyes and blinking away the faint red tint she saw. "I have to be ready when the psychic pokemon temporarily free Giratina from Denaran's control."

The girl went over to her cupboard to change into her normal white top with a large picture of eevee in the middle and her denim shorts. She then located her mew cap and gently placed it over her slightly knotted hair.

Malena frowned as she gently rubbed her temples; she could have sworn that she had read about a man named Cyrus using Giratina to open a portal, she just couldn't quite remember where he did it.

The brunette stumbled over to her desk as she minimized the pokeball. She opened a pale yellow jewellery box which had a Vileplume hand-painted on the top. In the box were several little pouches that her mother had sown when she was seven. Each of the pouches had a symbol sown into the middle; they all represented different pokemon types. Malena gently pulled them out of the box, smiling as she caught sight of a pale purple pouch with the black outline of an eye, a pupil and an iris.

"The psychic pouch," Malena whispered, gently picking it up and placing the pokeball of Cresselia in it. She then rushed over to grab the two empty pokeballs she had received from school, placing them into the pouch. Malena hunted around the bottom of the Vileplume jewellry box, soon finding a long thick pale purple ribbon with a pin on it. After attaching the pin to the pouch, she tied the ribbon tightly around her wrist in a messy bow.

Once she had tugged on the pouch, making sure it was secure, she wandered over to her school bad. Without hesitation she unzipped it and pulled out her History book. Flipping to the back of the large book, she read through the index.

"Cyrus," she muttered, catching sight of the name. Malena quickly flicked through the book to search for the page on Cyrus; page 64. The girl scanned through the text, trying to find the paragraphs that spoke of Giratina and the portal that was opened.

The brunette's eyes widened as she saw what she was looking for. Three-hundred years ago Cyrus had opened a portal over Mt. Coronet in the ruins of the spear pillar. "I have to go to the mountain?"

Malena quietly left her room, sneaking into the kitchen and towards the front door. Her heart started racing in fright as she suddenly heard her stomach growl. Turning from the front door to the kitchen she quickly stepped over and grabbed two muesli bars. As she unwrapped one and began nibbling on it she rushed out of the front of her house. She looked to the left, spotting the outline of the mountain in the distance, although it was difficult to see much in detail as the early morning fog clouded it.

Once she'd finished the muesli bar, Malena began to run down the path that lead to the mountain; although she was soon forced to slow as her throat became dry and her breaths turned to gasps of heavy breathing. Once she'd been walking for straight for fifteen minutes she reached a dirt path which would lead her out of her city and towards Mt. Coronet. As she started her journey down the path she narrowed her eyes at every Pidgey and Pidgeot she saw, knowing that they could easily be under the control of Denaran.

"There has to be a faster way," she mumbled as she squinted at the outline of the mountain in the distance, which didn't seem to look any closer than before. "I wish I had a bike or something."

The brunette continued her journey, step after step; the minutes seemed to be dragging on. "Cresselia is a legendary pokemon! Surely she could do something to get us there immediately?"

Loosening the opening to the pouch tied onto her wrist, she pulled out the pokeball that Cresselia resided in and pressed the middle button. As it increased in size she threw it up in the air; exclaiming, "Go Cresselia!"

The pokeball froze in mid air, briefly glowing red before falling back down to the ground. "Why didn't the pokeball let her out?"

As Malena's eyebrows furrowed, she stared down at the motionless pokeball. Anxiously nibbling on her lip, she wondered why the pokemon hadn't come out. She couldn't help but start to presume the worst: that somehow the pokeball had broken and her companion was now trapped there forever, or that Denaran was somehow preventing the pokemon from coming out. As the girl bent down to pick up the pokeball, she noticed a Pidgey in a branch on one of the trees by the edge of the dirt path. Its glazed over eyes were narrowed slightly; its wings were spread out as if frozen mid flight.

"Of course Cresselia didn't wanted to come out in front of the other pokemon," she muttered, placing her hand on her forehead as he let out a gentle sigh.

The girl attempted to catch sight of somewhere she could safely release Cresselia without the pokemon under Denaran's control seeing them, yet every time she though she was out of the sight of the mind controlled pokemon she'd spot one hiding amongst the branches of trees or behind rocks and logs. She would usually smile at all pokemon whenever she saw them, but currently they were having the opposite effect on her. Every time she caught sight of a pokemon she would practically growl at them until they were out of sight.

Ever so slowly she continued to advance towards Mt Coronet, getting more and more flustered as the looming mountain refused to appear any closer.

"Cresselia, there has to be a faster way." She whined to the pokeball that contained the legendary pokemon. "We have to hurry and stop the abuse of all those pokemon under the hands of Denaran!"

Malena stared down at the pokeball for a while, hoping that somehow Cresselia would do something, yet no matter how hard she wished Cresselia would help, nothing appeared to happen. The girl couldn't help but sigh out the name of the pokemon as she continued her ever long journey to get to the spear pillar in the mountain.

"Capture the Pidgeot," Malena heard a faint voice echo in her ear, causing her eyes to widen as she jumped.

"Catch a Pidgeot?" She whispered, wondering where the mysterious voice was coming from as she frantically looked around. She soon realised that the voice had sounded like a faint version of the booming voice Cresselia had had in her dream.

After nodding at no one in particular, she turned to one of the shorter trees that surrounded the path to Mt Coronet, noticing a Pidgeot staring down at her with glazed over eyes. It was extremely tense to the point that it was practically shaking.

Malena undid her pouch and pulled out one of the empty pokeballs which she had received from school. For a second she hesitated, wondering whether she would be able to catch the pokemon without weakening it. She knew that the only pokemon she had was Cresselia, who was currently refusing to leave the pokeball.

Malena stared up at the pokemon, enlarging the empty pokeball before using it to attempt to capture the bird pokemon. She couldn't help but groan as the pokeball only shook once before releasing the Pidgeot and dropping down to the base of the tree.

"How can I catch this pokemon?" The child sighed as she picked up the empty pokeball from the ground. "Maybe I could try using bait?"

Remembering that she still had a muesli bar, she pulled it out, easily ripping the wrapper off. She gently threw it at the base of the tree, making sure that the pokemon saw it before she slowly took a few steps away from the food. Almost instantly the Pidgeot flew down from the tree, never breaking eye contact with her. As it landed, it blinked a few times before greedily pecking at the muesli bar.

"This worked in that safari zone of the olden days," she whispered as she tiptoed up behind the the nibbling pokemon. "Surely it'll work now!"

Malena crossed her fingers as she threw the pokeball at Pidgeot, gently biting her lip as the pokeball shook once, twice, and a third time before freezing with a loud click.

"Yes! It worked," she gloated to herself, skipping over to the pokeball with a grin on her face. "My first pokemon capture!"

She didn't hesitate to release the pokemon from the ball. As the red light shone, Malena briefly looked away, desperately hoping that nothing had gone wrong with her capture of the mind-controlled pokemon, but as she turned to see the blinking pokemon, she noticed that everything appeared to have gone fine.

Slowly she approached her new pokemon, trying not to scare the bird as she knelt down in front of it. She stared into the Pidgeot's eyes, letting out a cry of triumphant as she saw that the glazed over expression was no longer present.

"Hello Pidgeot, I'm Malena." She cautiously introduced herself, unsure of how to communicate with the pokemon.

"Pidgeot!" The bird replied, gently nuzzling her with its beak.

The girl allowed a small smile to slip onto her face as she gently patted its head. "Are you able to fly me to the mountain?"

The bird blankly stared at her for a few seconds before turning to face Mt Coronet and spreading its wings.

"Thank you," Malena exclaimed as she carefully climbed on the rather large Pidgeot's back, gently gripping onto its neck as it took off with a few strong flaps. The mountain soon began to appear closer and closer. After several minutes they were flying over the looming peak of Mt Coronet.

"We need to get to the spear pillar," Malena whispered into the pokemon's ear as she noticed a Pidgey with glazed over eyes trailing them. It didn't take long for Pidgeot to begin swooping down and to land next to one of the crumbling pillars.

Malena gently stumbled off Pidgeot onto the yellow cobblestone ground, cautiously looking around for any spying pokemon.

"I'm here," She spoke to the Cresselia's pokeball as she gently stroked Pidgeot. "I don't see any pokemon under Denaran's control. Please come out."

Malena only had a second to slam her eyes shut as she heard the click of Cresselia's pokeball opening. The blinding red light soon morphed into the shape of the pokemon as she was safely released.

Immediately Cresselia let out a squeak as she began floating to the centre of the spear pillar. She levitated in silence for around a minute before letting out several cries of increasing volume. Soon a pink aura surrounded the Lunar pokemon and a pitch black sphere appeared in front of her.

Malena gasped as she saw a tiny orb of bright blue and yellow appear within the black; it almost reminded her of the marbles she had played with as a child. As it gradually began to grow bigger, she felt Pidgeot nuzzle her leg, its eyes wide with fear. Malena didn't hesitate to return the shaking pokemon to its pokeball, trying to shelter it from the fear it felt over the portal opening.

After placing the Pidgeot's pokeball into the pouch, Malena noticed that the pink aura around Cresselia was beginning to fade to a light tint. She hesitantly began to walk in the direction of the portal, noticing that Cresselia was slowly nearing it as well. She couldn't help but freeze as she stood on the rim of the pure darkness and looked into the swirls of blue and yellow. Inhaling shakily, she glanced up at Cresselia, noticing that the pokemon was gently nodding at her.

"We have to free these pokemon," she whispered, roughly gulping as her legs began to shake slightly. Lightly pressing her eyes shut, she stepped into the portal, her stomach immediately dropping as she began to fall. However the feeling of falling was short-lived as her feet landed on solid ground and she stumbled forward several steps, her mew cap falling off her head before she could regain her balance.

She quickly opened her eyes, gasping as she noticed chunks of land floating in the dark blue sky. As she looked around for Cresselia she noticed hundreds of psychic pokemon that she'd never dreamed of seeing outside of her textbook; from Mr Mime to Espeon to Gardevoir. All were surrounding Giratina, who was growling contently under its breath.

"Girl," she heard Cresselia exclaim in the booming voice from her dream. "We must get to safety, the psychic pokemon can only keep Giratina free from Denaran's control for a short time. They shall soon loose control. Hurry!"

Malena spun to the right, noticing that Cresselia had already started to float away. She quickly picked up her mew hat and placed it back on her head before beginning to rush after the pokemon. Her eyes widened as gravity appeared to be changing directions. She was even able to safely walk completely upside down across one of the dark red blocks of land in order to follow Cresselia. As she trailed the lunar pokemon into the opening of a cave, she shuddered at the sound of a loud roar which she could only presume was Denaran regaining control over Giratina.

Malena slowed to a stop with Cresselia as she noticed herself surrounded by seemingly thousands of pokemon. "These are the ones that Denaran is unable to mind-control due to them being captured in pokeballs at some point in their lives. These are the ones he abuses in order to make them do what he wants."

Malena felt the corners of her mouth turn down as she noticed several injuries on a majority of the pokemon.

"Malena," Cresselia whispered, her no longer booming voice echoing through the cave. "These are the pokemon I showed you in your dreams."

All constructive criticism and comments welcomed :)
 
RE: Child of Captive (Update: The fourth chapter is up)

I have no idea why I didn't critique any sooner. >.<

I appreciated how descriptive these chapters were... and then I realized that most stories on here weren't quite like yours, which is usually armed with lengthy description, but not overly elaborate. It took me a while to think of that; good job, author. :D

I found only one spelling mistake somewhere in the middle of Chapter Three, but... the rest was great!

If they are able to get close enough to Giratina, the physic (this should be spelt 'psychic') Pokémon can release it from that man's control, although it is quite risky, as Giratina is very powerful."
 
RE: Child of Captive (Update: The fourth chapter is up)

Luckyfire said:
I have no idea why I didn't critique any sooner. >.<

I appreciated how descriptive these chapters were... and then I realized that most stories on here weren't quite like yours, which is usually armed with lengthy description, but not overly elaborate. It took me a while to think of that; good job, author. :D

I found only one spelling mistake somewhere in the middle of Chapter Three, but... the rest was great!

If they are able to get close enough to Giratina, the physic (this should be spelt 'psychic') Pokémon can release it from that man's control, although it is quite risky, as Giratina is very powerful."

Thank you so much :)

Also, good find. I've edited the chapter to fix it. Thanks!
 
RE: Child of Captive (Update: The fourth chapter is up)

Hey, this is a great story so far! The only nitpick I have is:

RaichuGirl said:
"The only pokémon that still exist are the ones we eat, like Magikarp and Tauros. Now go and get ready for school."

If you can't see it, I replaced the 'c' in Magikarp with a 'k.'

I love the description in the prologue and first chapter. Once I find time, I'll read the others. Keep up the good writing!
 
RE: Child of Captive (Update: The fourth chapter is up)

Thetwiggy13 said:
Hey, this is a great story so far! The only nitpick I have is:

RaichuGirl said:
"The only pokémon that still exist are the ones we eat, like Magikarp and Tauros. Now go and get ready for school."

If you can't see it, I replaced the 'c' in Magikarp with a 'k.'

I love the description in the prologue and first chapter. Once I find time, I'll read the others. Keep up the good writing!

I can't believe I spelled Magikarp wrong, thank you for pointing that out! I'd love to hear what you think of the other chapters when you have time. :)
 
RE: Child of Captive (Update: The fourth chapter is up)

Haha no problem, it's a common misspelling.

I'll get your full review in whenever I can! It's been a long week for me.
 
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