Writing Ivan vs. Whitney (Pokémon Short Story)

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An awfully short story (1,139 words) about one battle and its... surprising result.
Ivan vs. Whitney​
“You’re back, I see,” Whitney giggled, her crimson hair bobbing up and down with her face.

“Of course I’m back,” Ivan replied, a serious expression on his face. "Did you think I would be gone forever?”

“Nope,” she answered, watching him thoroughly. “You look older.”

“Of course I look older, I’ve been gone for at least four months,” he told her. “But I’m not here to talk casual. I’m here to battle, and I’m going to beat you this time.”

“Sure you are,” she replied sarcastically, still smiling. He kept a serious expression on his face and reached for something on his belt, his hand fumbling nervously. From it he pulled a small sphere, half-red and half-white. Raising his right arm behind the shoulder, he pressed a button on the ball, and it enlarged. With his opponent watching him carefully, he jerked his arm forwards, the ball slipping from his fingers and flying onto the floor as he yelled, “Go, Hitmonchan!” With a loud thud, the hollow ball cracked open from the impact, and released a glowing red light, which proceeded to form a shape slightly resembling a human. From the light, a creature with light brown skin formed. It seemed to be wearing red boxing gloves, a sort of toga, a black belt holding the toga around its waist, and purple shoes. Its blue eyes gleamed in the fluorescent light of the building as it threw a punch at nothingness.

Ivan’s opponent laughed lightly and smiled even wider, as if it were impossible for her to frown. She pulled a similar ball from her belt, copied her opponent’s previous movements and shouted “I choose you, Clefairy!” This time, the glowing red light formed a circle, with short, thick lines, triangles, and a long, thin line extending from it, and an odd curl placed on top. The circle became a pink creature with a positive expression and tall thin eyes, while the short, thick lines became arms and legs with claw-like fingers and toes, the triangles became ears with brown tips, and the long, thin line became a tail. The Hitmonchan’s height was more than double that of the Clefairy’s, but both Whitney and her Pokémon seemed confident they would win.

“You have the first attack,” Whitney said, smirking. Ivan contemplated his move for a moment, holding a clenched fist to his chin (a common habit of his.) After a few seconds, he swiftly pulled his fist away from his chin, extending his index finger towards the opposing Pokémon and shouted,
“Hitmonchan, Mach Punch!”

Ivan’s Pokémon obediently charged towards its opponent, pulling its gloved fist behind its back in preparation. Whitney was quick to prepare a defensive maneuver, as her opponent’s Pokémon had barely even reached her own when she gave the order.

“Clefairy, Defense Curl!” she shouted, tense with anxiety. As a trainer, she had a good enough idea of what she was doing and improvised well. However, her opponent still got the best of her. Ivan’s Hitmonchan hit Whitney’s defensive Clefairy with its fist, precisely on target. Whitney bent down next to the fallen creature, almost ready to cry.

“No… Clefairy…” she whispered softly, “are you alright?” There was no response from the fallen creature. Ivan seemed to have heard her question, for he chuckled and replied,
“Of course not. The STAB bonus of the move and the type weakness, combined with the Attack and Speed EVs my Hitmonchan has, adding in the tip-top accuracy, caused it to do even more damage than normal. Of course, your move was wise, but it seemed to have little effect on Clefairy’s Defense. Perhaps you should EV train your Clefairy, focusing on mainly Defense?” He cast Whitney a sideways glance. She was still bent over her Clefairy, nearing tears.

Even if Whitney had been listening, she would not have understood anything Ivan said. She didn’t understand the whole concept of “competitive battling.” It didn’t matter, though, because she wasn’t listening. She was focusing on her Clefairy, examining it to see if there was any spark of hope left that it still had energy for battle.
Suddenly, one of the small, pink creature’s legs jerked upwards. Whitney smiled triumphantly, and stood back up, spraying a pink liquid onto her Pokémon. She made eye contact with Ivan, who had been talking to his Hitmonchan, and they both nodded. Whitney had the next move. Carelessly, she thrust her arm forwards, extended her index finger towards her opponent’s Pokémon, and yelled, at the top of her lungs,
“CLEFAIRY, METRONOME ATTACK!”

Whitney’s booming voice filled the entire gym. Many of her apprentices flinched, and pulled earplugs out of their pockets, prepared for anything that might come next.

Ivan’s face lost its smile. Just a second ago, he had been sure he was going to win. And now, his poor Hitmonchan would be a victim to the Clefairy’s famous Metronome attack. Unless…

“Hitmonchan, stop it with another Mach Punch before it completes its attack!” He commanded, wiping his sweaty forehead with his left hand. His Hitmonchan once again began obediently charging towards its opponent. Ivan gave up all hope when Whitney’s Clefairy stopped moving its arm. He knew he was going to lose.

No one was expecting what happened next, though. Not even Whitney.

An eardrum-rattling boom filled the gym as Clefairy exploded, causing random debris from around the inside of the building to fly around randomly. Ivan grabbed hold of his Hitmonchan’s gloved hand and hurried around the mazes of stairs, crashes and screams surrounding him. From all the chaos and confusion he saw a blue glint of hope: the door. He rushed towards it with all the speed he could muster, pushed it open and ran outside. He had planned to keep running at this point, but he noticed that nothing was happening on the outside of Whitney’s gym, except for a small crack in the wall.

Ivan took a moment to relax and observe his surroundings. It was a nice day in Goldenrod City, where the gym was located. The sunlight’s path was unbroken by clouds, and the solar-powered Radio Tower was more successful than ever. Ivan relaxed, catching his breath, and leaned against a nearby wall.

And that’s when the aftershock began. Ivan never got to see the panic of the city as a whole. All he heard was another loud, echoing boom, after which some debris had hit him, knocking him out cold. When he awoke, he was on a hospital bed, bandages on his head. He abruptly sat up when he heard the voice of the person in the bed next to his.

“Hi, Ivan,” Whitney greeted, smiling weakly. “How about as soon as we get out of this place you go and train again, and I’ll see you in another four months?”

Ivan smiled and nodded his head.

“Agreed.”

If you're critiquing this, don't tell me the last part about the whole metronome explosion thing looks kinda rushed and isn't as descriptive as the battle, because I figured that out after I finished writing it. >_>
I also must give PokeChamp credit for helping me fix some errors in it.
And, just so you know, I was inspired to write this by my frustration with Whitney's Miltank, though it never appears in the story.
 
The major criticism I would have is the use of EV/STAB etc. in a story. To me, it doesn't seem right to go all technical-in-depth-videogame in a fiction story, as REAL pokémon wouldn't have these sorts of characteristics.

Other than that, it was decent for the length restriction. There's a few things I would change personally grammar-wise, but on the whole it was pretty good :). There were some odd capitalisations though...
 
As gamercal already said, the language is too technical for a realistic battle.

I have to say that I somewhat missed the purpose of this story. If you wrote it with frustration, then how did this story link to your frustration? Was it the fact that the match ended up in a (disastrous) stalemate? The trainer's careful preparation to win the battle for once? It does somewhat, but the connection is not as strong as I liked it to be.
 
gamercal said:
The major criticism I would have is the use of EV/STAB etc. in a story. To me, it doesn't seem right to go all technical-in-depth-videogame in a fiction story, as REAL pokémon wouldn't have these sorts of characteristics.

Other than that, it was decent for the length restriction. There's a few things I would change personally grammar-wise, but on the whole it was pretty good :). There were some odd capitalisations though...

True, but who knows? Perhaps it really does exist... I don't know, though. ._.

:D I get a decent from gamercal. Awesome. Also, what odd capitalizations are you referring to?

Zyflair said:
As gamercal already said, the language is too technical for a realistic battle.

I have to say that I somewhat missed the purpose of this story. If you wrote it with frustration, then how did this story link to your frustration? Was it the fact that the match ended up in a (disastrous) stalemate? The trainer's careful preparation to win the battle for once? It does somewhat, but the connection is not as strong as I liked it to be.

Eh.. there's no real link, I just thought it up while I was battling her. xD
 
It might be just me, but I don't see why "Pokémon" is capitalised like at all (nothing is called Pokémon, and it's not a place name or anything). Solar-Powered is odd to me as well, unless that is meant to be part of the name of the Radio Tower? In which case it's still strange to me, just technically correct :p
 
gamercal said:
It might be just me, but I don't see why "Pokémon" is capitalised like at all (nothing is called Pokémon, and it's not a place name or anything). Solar-Powered is odd to me as well, unless that is meant to be part of the name of the Radio Tower? In which case it's still strange to me, just technically correct :p

I do believe "Pokémon" is a proper noun, correct me if I'm wrong.

Also, I don't believe I meant to capitalize solar-powered. I'll fix that now.
 
I liked it a lot. The only criticism I have is the end of the story. The whole knocked-out thing seems rushed, not the Metronome. But you wrote that you knew that so it's all good. But all in all nice job.
 
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