Writing Kuro-Aikuchi. A novel by Squrtle

squrtle

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Sorry for the mess, I'll clean it up when I can

Welcome to the Official Thread for Kuro-Aikuchi. The graphic, picture-less novel by yours truly.

Kuro-Aikuchi roughly translates as Blood-Sword.

Instead of boring you with meaningless details, I'll post the prologues.

Prologue 1: Echo of Blood​
It was a cold night... the call of a nearby eagle could clearly be heard. The night was filled with haunting creatures and a fox could be seen scurrying across the road, going into its home to escape the rain. It was raining heavily and there was steam on the roads from the intense rain. This was normal for this town though, it was near to the ocean and rain clouds seemed to appear frequently. This was the quiet little town of the howling sea. It was a beautiful little town despite its common bad weather. It had a little park in the centre and trees constantly swaying by every house, a town hall for the children to play and the adults to have a drink and there was a local café that was open all day and all night. There were always people taking late night walks with their dog and couples sat on benches having a nice, quiet evening. But tonight was different. Tonight, there was an unwanted guest in town. A mysterious and shadowy figure was moving quickly in the night. He was unclear as he was wearing clothes that successfully managed to conceal him to a point where not even his closest acquaintances could recognise him. He walked over to a small house by the ocean. The house had a crooked, metal roof and was made entirely of wood, leaves and stones. The inside was dark and damp, some rainwater in the corner was even dripping and only 5 candles were lighting the room. It had 4 rooms upstairs, 1 big room downstairs and a storage basement where all the emergency items were in case of a break-in. But this time, there was no prior warning, as the entire family of the house were asleep. As the figure ascended upstairs, the stairs creaked, and woke up Akemi. Akemi was a teenage girl; she was 16 years old and had red hair. Little did she know the horror that was about to befall her. As she heard the figure moving, she started shivering violently, and she hid under her covers. She then started thinking about what it could have been. Was it a person? Was it just the wind? Suddenly, her door slowly opened, and she slowly popped her head out of the cover....
Her parents were in the next room; they heard strange goings on and decided to investigate. Akemi’s mother crept to the third room to protect the children, and Akemi’s father went into Akemi’s room. There, right in front of him, was a hooded man with a knife in one hand, and Akemi’s head in the other. The man had stabbed Akemi and broken her neck. He was now staring intently at Akemi’s father. He then took out a gun, pulled the trigger, and shot Akemi’s father. He fell instantly to the floor. Akemi’s mother then came out to the landing and saw her husband’s body half-way out the door. She screamed for her life as his blood poured out of his head in gallons. The neighbours gathered round the house in their dozens, and heard all the screaming. Police vans arrived after hearing reports of mass murder. The neighbours were looking less terrified, and more reassured that a mass killer was about to be caught and locked up. The police cautiously entered the house and were shocked by the sight. The bodies had been brought down into the big downstairs room, and the killer was sitting in the corner laughing. The police took out their guns and shot at the killer over and over again. The killer didn’t move out of his place, but he was bleeding heavily. All of a sudden, the blood turned a golden colour and it re-entered his body. The policemen stared at the scene in disbelief, as if they were watching some 3D horror movie. After the killer had essentially absorbed his own gold coloured blood, he floated into the air, and he turned completely black. He stared at each one of the policemen and pointed his right hand at one specific policeman. He laughed violently and his hand glowed red. All of a sudden he started shooting arrows from his red hand. The policeman dropped dead on the floor. His head decapitated, his chest pierced and bleeding and he had gone completely white. The other policemen put up their shields, prepared handcuffs and they ran up to the killer. They looked up at him, attempted to handcuff him but the attempt failed miserably as the killer just disappeared in an instant from the spot he was previously in, appeared in the doorway behind the policemen, and bit their necks one by one. All the neighbours saw the bodies of the policemen fly out of the door, as the killer slowly walked outside the door. He looked at the neighbours and smiled. They all screamed and ran off to the town hall for safety. The clouds in the sky then suddenly multiplied and turned a dark red colour; all of a sudden, another mysterious figure appeared from the clouds. This one was a red silhouetted figure who also shot arrows from his arms. Could he be a similar being? The neighbours noticed the new figure shoot at the killer, and they all walked slowly outside to watch. The killer was now paralyzed. The red figure then grabbed the killer, grasped him tightly and flew up into the air with him. The red figure then dived straight into the raging sea and there was an enormous splash. There was an explosion for a split second, and that was that. Everyone stared at the scene with their jaws wide open. They shook their heads and then ran back to their houses. As they walked in, they looked like they had just been sleepwalking and had woken up. They walked into their homes slowly and thought about the whole thing as if it were a dream.
The question still remains though. Why did the hooded man choose this house specifically? What was so special about this family that he couldn’t stand? Did he know them? Was he ordered to kill them? No-one knew. Everyone just acted as if nothing even happened…

The next morning, a young boy walked towards the house. This young boy was named Echo. Echo was 17 years old and had short, black hair with a red stripe. He wore a white top, a red headband, a black jacket with red buttons going down the middle, black jeans and white/red trainers. Echo walked through the park and smiles at everyone going about their daily business. He noticed something strange though. Everyone seemed to be hiding something. They all looked at him as he passed, with looks of sorrow on their faces. Something was obviously wrong. Echo decided to go straight home, rather than run his morning errands like he did every morning. As he walked down the steps to the docks, he stared at his house. Something was different. The door was open, the doorway was full of blood, the windows were smashed and parts of the house’s exterior were on the floor. The house was crooked and there were leaves everyone. He rushed into the house in a panic, and saw the dead bodies of his sisters, his mother, his father and his baby brother. His entire family was dead.
He stared at the bodies, tightly shut his eyes and pinched himself. He opened his eyes, but nothing had changed. The bodies were there. It was real.
At that exact moment, Echo vowed to his family to avenge their death even if it meant risking his life…​

Prologue 2: Katana of Victory
In the Town of the ripped sky, there was a war in the town centre; The Red Fist Clan VS the Blue Knuckle Clan. Hiding in a bush was Masaru. An 18 year old boy with short white hair, a white Tunic with a Red Cross printed on, a longsword on his back, red trousers and black trainers. Masaru was closely watching his enemy’s every move, as she was trying to find Masaru. Masaru drew out his sword and prepared for attack. He reached into his pocket, took out a smoke bomb and threw it hard onto the ground near the opposition. As the smoke got thicker, Masaru jumped down behind the enemy and uttered the words,
“you’re finished Blue Knuckle!” and he stabbed her in the back of the neck. He took his sword out and took the black necklace from the dead body.
“Good work Masaru, you assassinated your enemy without being noticed. You’re promoted to rank 7 of the Red Fist Clan. You know what that means; you can now assign yourself independent missions. I’ll go to the trouble of finding a new member.” “Thank you, Sensei. I’m most grateful.” Replied Masaru, as he walked off into his cabin.
The next morning, the bell rang at 6:00am, and the entire Red Fist Clan shot out of bed for day 3 of the Clan War. “Ok Red Fists. You know the drill. The score stands at 4-4, thanks to Masaru for evening us out. As a result, Masaru has been promoted to Rank 7, and we have a new member. Meet Gorou. He’ll be replacing Masaru.” Announced Sensei
“Masaru will be observing the Clan War, and will be fighting as the Clan’s representative against the Blue Knuckle’s head honcho, Jump”. He carried on. The bell then rang for 6:30am, and everyone left for outside to observe the Clan War. The 5 original Red Fist fighters had left by either death or promotion. Gorou was the only fighter left and he had been ordered to assassinate the one remaining Blue Knuckle Fighter. As the sun shined and the trees swayed in the breeze, everyone was anticipating when the Blue Knuckle would turn up. And sure enough, he did. He was wearing a black mask and a red cape. He wore the signature Blue Knuckle top, and the Blue Jeans. He took a weapon out of his pocket, locked on to Gorou, and threw the weapon at him. The battle had begun.
“Go! Metal Disc!” he cried, as he threw the weapon near Gorou to throw him off guard. “I will raise my defence! Marvel at the incredible dimensional wall!” Gorou yelled. An enormous wall rose from the ground, and the Blue Knuckle’s weapon was absorbed into Anti-Matter. Gorou then appeared behind Jonbi in a flash, and stabbed his hand into the Blue Knuckle’s back. As Gorou took the necklace, the Blue Knuckle flew forward, into anti-matter. He was finished. Now all that had to be done was the battle between Masaru and Jump. As Gorou walked away into the cabin, he was accompanied by a thunderous applause.

“Masaru! Come down now! And bring your brother with you!” “What is it father? Has the time come for the final battle?” replied Masaru. “How did you guess, Masaru? Get your coats, we have to leave as soon as possible.” “Of course father, watching my younger brother fight will be dazzling. After all, I did teach him everything he knows.” Said Masaru’s brother in a relatively smug manner. “Stop saying that! You know I hate it.” Masaru shouted. “Look, kids. We have no time to argue, we have to get the Clan Site.”
At the clan site, the battlefield was set. The prize was at the table and the two clans were either side of the stands. Finally, Masaru, his brother and their Dad pulled up. Masaru’s brother and father joined the Red Fist side, while Masaru went to the Red side of the stadium. The lights turned on and the crowd started cheering; it was 9:00pm and Masaru was raring to fight. Masaru and Jump were staring each-other down waiting to start the battle. The referee shot the gun in the air, and the battle started.
“Summon! Great ball of fire!!” screamed Masaru. A giant ball of fire shot from his hands directly at Jump. But at the exact second the fireball was meant to hit Jump, he dodged the attack. Jump then appeared in a flash of light in the sky, and shot down at Masaru. Masaru had been hit. He was shoved into the ground and surrounding by his own blood. Jump then shot hooks from his right hand and it went right through Masaru’s stomach. The Red side of the crowd were on edge, and the Blue side were cheering and Jump was winning the fight. All of a sudden, Masaru appeared to spontaneously combust, but his wounds healed, and he shot into the air and continuously shot fire from his hands. Jump dodged every single one of them. Masaru then flew down, grabbed Jump and threw him down, but Jump wasn’t hurt. He turned a light blue colour and the temperature suddenly dropped. It was fire VS ice. “MASARU! YOU WILL NOT BE VICTORIOUS! I WILL WIN!!” screamed Jump at the top of his voice. Masaru didn’t seem scared by this threatening sentence, as he appeared to know something that Jump didn’t. He focused his fire at his hands and flew to Jump. Jump stabbed Masaru’s face and froze it. The ice was weighing him down and he was suffering, but he smiled. He didn’t take a direct hit for nothing. Masaru touched his face, opened his mouth and bared his teeth. He flew to Jump and crunched him with fiery teeth. Jump lost all his ice power and fell to the ground. Masaru let of all of his fire and floated safely to the battlefield. Masaru constantly punched Jump over and over again, and Jump bled a little more with each hit. When everything seemed to be at an end, there was an explosion outside the stadium. Jump suddenly opened his eyes and gave a cheeky grin. “I win.” He said. Jump’s eyes then rolled back into his head and his chest started spilling blood. He got slimmer and slimmer. His heart was still beating, barely alive. The bleeding stopped, and Jump was dead. The crowd cheered and Masaru was given the Katana. The Katana of victory. Of course, Masaru’s day didn’t end a good one. He walked to the car; and there, in the car, was his dad’s body, well, what was left of it. There were traces of petrol on his burned face, and there were footprints outside the car door. Masaru then realised that his brother was nowhere to be seen. Could he have done it? No... Surely not... Masaru had his doubts, but he had a strong feeling his brother could have been responsible for this. Masaru walked away; throwing his longsword onto the floor next to his dad’s side of the car, and placing his shiny new Katana in the sword pouch at the back of his tunic.​

Prologue 3: Escape of a bounty hunter.​
Deep in the Underground prison, a mysterious man was walking through the holding cells. As he walked over to a giant metal door, he took a card out of his coat and swiped it in the slot. The giant metal door opened to reveal a dark room; the man stared into the room and smiled as he walked in. A voice then whispered,
“You’re here at last, M.” It was a woman’s voice.
“Nanami; you always were the impatient sort.”
“Well it’s hard to change when you’re tied up in chains against a wall in white overalls.”
“True, but you need to become better at your job. Bounty hunters signed up to the DuskBane industry are normally a lot more high-levelled than this.”
“Sorry M, but this time it was out of my hands…”
M listened intently. See, it was unusual for Nanami to get caught, or for any DuskBane bounty hunter to get into trouble of any kind.
Nanami is 18 years old, wears a black crop top and white jacket with red buttons, black skinny jeans and red converse; but not today, today she was in overalls chained up to a wall…

“So tell me Nanami. What happened?” asked M.
“Well, I was on a mission to burn down this prison, and I clearly got caught.”
“In what way was that out of your hands?”
“Well for starters, I was blackmailed into it by Kaiser, and he said that if I didn’t do this mission then he would kill me. Secondly, I was being watched by Kaiser throughout this mission, and so I had no chance of escape. As soon as I smashed a window in and threw in the petrol and matches, I was caught. I assume they’ve rebuilt the prison since I was thrown down here a year ago?”
“They sure have” replied M “It’s fire-proof too… wait a minute. You failed your mission. Did Kaiser mention anything about that?”
“No, he didn’t. But I assume I’m not in his good books.”
“Don’t worry Nanami. I’ll make sure Kaiser can’t hurt you.”

As M freed Nanami from the chains and ran out of the room, he put on a pair of goggles and pressed a switch at the top. He grabbed Nanami’s hand, and he ran straight through the dark prison corridor.
They were quickly stopped by guards, though, and as much as they tried to escape, they couldn’t. It was take to take drastic measures.
“It’s time to release my Wicked Psych!” M cried. M and Nanami staring glowing a bright, white light that surrounded their entire bodies. The guards started burning, and they then disappeared. M and Nanami started running again, wall kicking against the concrete walls and cracking parts as they went.
The corridor was very haunting, as there were cobwebs everywhere, and spiders scuttling up and down the walls. Occasionally, a convict or two would shiver violently as spiders crawled down their clothes and onto their bodies.
As soon as M and Nanami left the basement floor, the alarm sounded and security started appearing from everywhere. M constantly attacked them with his wicked psych, but more and more were coming. Eventually, they got tired and became an easy catch.
They had been caught by security and this time they were helpless. As they were being dragged away, the floor started to shake, and the ceiling started to crumble. Suddenly, a figure appeared in the smoke. It was Kaiser. He shot at the Security member with a needle. The security member let go, and M and Nanami were free.
“Come on you two. You’re more useless than I thought you’d be” Said Kaiser.
“We’re not useless; this place just has really high security now.”
“I think Nanami’s to blame for that one, M”.
“Urgh, come on! Let’s just get the hell outta here!” Shouted Nanami as she got up and scrubbed her overalls with her hands.

When they got outside, they looked back at the prison, and marvelled at the site as it came down again.
“So M. When you infiltrated the area to rescue me... you killed all the guards from the 1st floor up?”
“I sure did. It was easy too. A quick slash of my longsword and BAM! They’re dead.” Replied M enthusiastically.
The outside of the prison was full of moving spotlights, barbed wire, prison guards and police dogs. Around it were dead trees and a muddy pond. Occasionally, a mud fish could be seen swimming across the pond. A Vulture swooped down, grabbed a worm and flew up to a tree to feed the worm to its chicks. This was the furthest most convicts got, before being attacked by a dog or pecked by a vulture.

Kaiser walked over to his car and unlocked the doors. M and Nanami got into the back of car, and Kaiser closed the door and started the engine. As he drove away, the car tyres splashed any nearby guard with mud. The car quickly drove out of the prison grounds, and zoomed off into the night...

“When do you s’pose Kaiser’s gonna be back with Nanami and Morgan, eh?”
“Can’t really say boss, he left last night for ‘em and still ain’t back. Surely it takes less than 8 hours to drive back her from the prison?”
“Not too sure, but whatever time they come back, I just hope Nanami’s alive. That prison’s nasty. Kaiser had no right doin’ what he did, Morgan should fire ‘im.”
“What’s that noise boss? It can’t be them, can it?”
“It’s gotta be, they’ve been on the way back for 8 friggin’ hours.”
Surely enough, it was in fact Nanami, Kaiser and Morgan. Nanami was the first to walk in, still in her overalls.
“Sorry we’re late, we got... caught up.” Said Nanami.
“Caught up? Nanami you’re 8 hours late. What could POSSIBLY stall you for 8 hours?” yelled the boss.
“Well... you’ll understand when you see M and Kaiser.”
“Nanami, when you’re in headquarters, you can refer to ‘M’ as Morgan. You’re not undercover anymore, and go get changed, I got somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Ok boss. Morgan and Kaiser will be up any second now, I’ll go get changed.”
“Urgh... sometimes I hate being the head of Kaiser’s department... and I thought bein’ in charge of that other guy was bad enough. Now I’m in charge of TWO blunderin’ half-wits.”

The Boss was a big man. Fat, you might say. He was a bounty hunter himself, and had an impressive 150 completed missions under his belt. He had hardly any hair (covered by a blue cap), a white shirt with braces, scruffy jeans and black shoes. He always had a cigarette in his mouth and rarely left his office.
His office was also an impressive place. With red/yellow wallpaper, a red carpet, a chandelier on the ceiling and tables on every side to keep his decorations on. He had a fish-tank with half-a-dozen neon tetra, a Lizard, a Salamander, a spider crab and even several wood geckos.

The Boss had fallen asleep waiting for Kaiser and Morgan. They then burst through the door and looked at the Boss.
“Sir, we’re back” Whispered Kaiser.
“What? Who’s... oh, you guys...” Boss replied disdainfully.
“As you can see, we freed Nanami. She’s safe and sound”.
“That’s great Kaiser. But you’re late. I can’t believe I’m managing your squad you fool. Morgan, sir, thank you for doing this; Nanami is urgently needed... only a bounty hunter of her skill can do this” Replied the Boss.
“No problem. I’ll assign her this mission straight away” Said Morgan promptly.
Morgan turned towards the door, grabbed Kaiser by the hand and walked out.

Morgan’s full name was Morgan Duskbane. He was the head of the Duskbane Industry and ultimately had power over “the Boss”.
He had wild hair, a white jacket, jeans and trainers. This was an extremely clever disguise though, as normally he had a black hat, a white cape with the letter “D” in front of a black lightning bolt imprinted on it, a white top with a sharp collar, black jeans, trainers and a metal claw where his hand used to be. He used his teenage appearance to fool onlookers when he was in public, and transformed into his real form when he was within the DuskBane building.

As Morgan and Kaiser walked down the long, windy corridor, they both switched to their true forms.
Morgan switched from the teenager with crazy hair, to a badass bounty hunter in a hat; while Kaiser transformed from a teenage look with generic clothes to a man full of muscle. He had a scanning lens on his right eye, a ripped top, a six-pack and two iron-fists; His full name? Kaiser Ironfist.
They both walked down the corridor and into Nanami’s room.
“Nanami”
“What is it, Kaiser?”
“It’s time to assign you your mission”
“Tell me more...”
 
Copypasta much? It's fine to post a story on multiple sites, but it really doesn't leave a good impression on the reader that you aren't spending the time to fix the blasted tags before posting it. It's not as if I actually have a deadline, so why the rush?

Your first paragraph is way too long. I can see alot of possible breaks in it for the story to flow more smoothly. The only reason you should ever have a paragraph that long is if you constantly keep focused one thing, and you definitely aren't. This huge block is followed by paragraphs that get less and less lengthy until you end with tons of one-liners. Variation is ok, but at least have a sense of balance. Speaking of paragraphs, you are required by the the Writing Corner rules to separate each and every paragraph by a space. No exceptions.

Concerning your actual content, on a whole, it's not bad, but I'm not feeling it whatsoever. The description is far too dead:
A mysterious and shadowy figure was moving quickly in the night. He was unclear as he was wearing clothes that successfully managed to conceal him to a point where not even his closest acquaintances could recognise him. He walked over to a small house by the ocean. The house had a crooked, metal roof and was made entirely of wood, leaves and stones. The inside was dark and damp, some rainwater in the corner was even dripping and only 5 candles were lighting the room [<- That 'sentence' also happens to be a run-on]. It had 4 rooms upstairs, 1 big room downstairs and a storage basement where all the emergency items were in case of a break-in [Type your numbers as words for this case.].
The bolded verbs in the sentence are dreadfully boring. Boring means no suspense. Why would a mysterious person walk? Why walk? Expand your vocabulary, open that drawer of words and just browse through the alternatives; 'crept,' 'sneaked,' or even 'tip-toed' just are some that pop off the top of my head. In any case, try to change the verbs from "was" to something else. Read the original and the revised sentence, and you'll hear the difference.

You're on a good track, and I definitely believe that you can improve drastically.

~Zyflair
 
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