Writing Manifest

Zenith

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Member
Short story, told in several parts.

The first part of several; the short one; in which a man ostensibly named Zuriel is sent elsewhere.

Possibly several typos. I apologize if this is the case.

Part I

There are stories about people and there are stories about the extraordinary things they do. This is both, and possibly neither. It is sometimes hard to tell.

What this is, exactly, is a story about thoughts, and ideas, and manifestations that are created when something is wanted but never obtained. Some things can never be obtained.

This is a story about those kinds of things. The things that can never be.

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A man races across a steel room, slashing wildly with his weapon. Bits and pieces fly from the storm of blows; bits and pieces that may have been robots at one point but were now not. Turrets line the wall and fire rapidly. The man does not miss a beat. A light shines from his body, and a shield of hexagons is produced that protects the man from the blast.

It is in this instant that we can see the man, clad in pieces of machinery. His hair is brown and dusty; his eyes are blue and blank. On both arms rest titanium tubes; one has a beam of light extruding from it. The other is for shooting. He demonstrates this by destroying the turrets in a flash of light.

A larger robot arrives. It is covered in metal plates, and its arm is a gigantic cannon. It lets out a mighty roar, and is dispatched as easily as the others with a swift flick of the blade.

And the lights come on, and the man stops.

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"Brilliant! Simply brilliant," The large man stated jovially to the raven-haired woman from behind the glass. "His powers have excellent potential. Someday he may even surpass the other two."

The raven-haired woman looked up from her clipboard and fixed her glasses. "He is progressing rapidly. Far more quickly than we have originally believed. I believe he has external motivation for his extreme ability."

"Ah. Is that his case file?" The large man stroked his five o' clock shadow. "Would you mind if I see it?"

"Not at all, sir," the raven-haired woman passed the file to the large man.

"Hm. Very interesting," said the large man. "He will be a prime candidate for our first test. Is the young genius ready with his machine?"

"He is running a few last tests on his computer. I believe the program is helping him. It should be ready in about an hour."

"Alright. Perfect," the large man pressed and held a button in front of him. "Excuse me, mister…"

The man stared blankly at the glass.

"Excuse me, miss," he turned to the raven-haired woman. "What is his name? I don't believe it was mentioned anywhere in the case file." He flipped through it a few times for emphasis.

"I don't think we ever found that out. He doesn't talk very often. We know what is in the case file and also some arbitrary figures, like the fact that he is nineteen and the fact that he is one-eighth French. Nothing useful."

"Well, everyone needs to have a name." The large man placed his finger on the button. "Sir. Is there anything I should call you? A name of some sort?"

The man continued to stare blankly. It was a tad unnerving to the large man.

"Well, what did they call you, before you came here? What do you call yourself?"

The man stared for a bit longer before finally breaking his silence. "Zuriel."

"Is that your real name?"

"No."

"At least he's honest about it," the large man murmured to the raven-haired woman. "Zuriel, we have an important mission involving the fate of the world. We have deemed you the best candidate for the job. Would you like to take it?"

The man slightly raised his left eyebrow. It was almost entirely unnoticeable.

"It is going to sound stupid. Do you know of angels?"

"Yes."

"You see, a few decades ago, an angel named Raphael came down from the heavens and laid out a path for humankind to follow, saying it was part of the universe's plan. We have achieved nearly everything we needed to. However, one part of the prophecy remains unfulfilled; essentially, we need to send someone to another world. Apparently we will know what to do once this occurs. We have spent many years trying to cross into other worlds without success. Luckily, about a year ago a young genius came into our employ. He believes he has created a way to change one's frequency to reach other timelines. Now, we need someone to use it."

"And that would be me."

"Yes. That's the gist of it, anyway."

"I'll do it."

"Splendid! Quite frankly, I did not expect an answer so quickly." The large man smiled. "Get ready to leave as soon as possible. Meet us in Conference Room B." He turned and left the room behind the glass.

Zuriel stood for a few moments amidst the formerly robotic pieces. He glanced at his mechanical implements and exited the room through a set of metal doors.

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The man faces a device created to send him to another world, created by a teenager with the discretion of the International Police. The man finds it almost surreal. He does not feel the surrealist quality, but he thinks it. He does not feel any fear. He does not feel anything. He cannot feel anything.

"Booting the machine!" A young voice shouts. "Working in five...four..."

The man thinks of his life before the International Police. He thinks about his life before the accident. He thinks about life before he knew about his abilities. He thinks more in the span of a few minutes than many think in their entire life. His machinery is heavy. He does not feel it. He thinks about its purpose, to help him focus his abilities.

He sees a flash as the young voice shouts.

He feels his body seep away as the raven-haired woman and the large man exclaim.

He feels himself move through time, move through space, in a whirlwind of colors and light and shadows.

He feels himself move, and he sleeps.

And he is gone.

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Part II tonight, probably.
 
Short entry, short critique. I'm not going to do the silly "GIGANTIC WALL OF TEXT THAT MAKES THE FICTION LOOK SHORT."

You have a direct, no-nonsense sense of style; bare details for necessity. Why even waste words to talk about something that serves no purpose? Completely contrasting to Crystal Hikara's wordy style. Despite being concise, you still spend some extra words to decorate your language, particularly at the end of the first part, with the Anaphora of "He" AND separated sentences to chop the pace in half, slowing the rate of the fanfic in half for us to watch him slowly disappear. Very well formatted, that ending.

But if all I was capable was giving Lord Ryu compliments of him and his writing skills, he'd be disappointed, wouldn't he?

Because one thing really stands out: he's lazy.
His hair is brown and dusty; his eyes are blue and blank.
Seriously? How can you even settle forming a full sentence with two weak verbs (would have be excused if the adjectives were beautiful, but they were plain)? Why can't you incorporate the details of this man within other places, such as,
The man stared blankly at the glass with his blue and blank eyes
Why don't we move somewhere else? Such as these sentences,
It was a tad unnerving to the large man.
It was almost entirely unnoticeable.
Just because you're lazy, doesn't make you privileged to use verbs just as lazy. Really, if I'm going to call this piece of sci-fi excellent, I don't want to do it with those glaring verbs.

And to let you know, there's a noticeable tiny bug you should squash with the edit button. It's hiding around the end of the paragraph:
The raven-haired woman looked up from her clipboard and fixed her glasses. "He is progressing rapidly. Far more quickly than we have originally believed. I believe he has external motivation for his determination and skill,"

Part II better whip up a better selection of words. I don't care if you have it already written. Get off your lazy chair and edit a bit.
 
I'm no writer, I never visit the Writing Corner, but from the point of view of an... ordinary passer-by, I've got two rather immature questions. Sorry if they sound too stupid, but... Yeah.

Zyflair said:
I don't care if you have it already written. Get off your lazy chair and edit a bit.
I don't if you either.
Zyflair said:
The man stared blankly at the glass with his blue and blank eyes
Don't you think that's too late in a short story to introduce his description? It fits in weirdly into that sentence too.
 
The critic just got criticized. Oh sanap!

I'll be reviewing this in just a few. I have art to do and some other critiques...
 
Noobnerd said:
I don't if you either.
Oh, but I did.

Noobnerd said:
Zyflair said:
The man stared blankly at the glass with his blue and blank eyes
Don't you think that's too late in a short story to introduce his description? It fits in weirdly into that sentence too.
The problem is that you're not supposed to INTRODUCE a description. Let it move in along with the story that goes along. I don't see how it fits weirdly, but Zenith is sorta nifty, and he could probably think of a better way. This is not my fanfic; I'm not going to spend time thinking of decent alternatives while maintaining the original style.

If my view point is weird, shoot me, I'm not in the greatest of moods lately.
 
I'm not really lazy, it's just my writing style. If I'm lazy, Hemingway was probably the laziest man who ever lived. I was reminded of why my style was like that while writing part II, which was mostly description and actually started to become painful to write. To say I hate writing certain things is an understatement; ask my friend who I was complaining to about it. But I think the words are more "colorful" if that's your thing. Honestly, the entire thing is really a blur. Maybe I repressed memories of it. I'll put it up when I finish editing it.

I'll fix that error. Thanks for pointing it out.
 
Zenith said:
I'm not really lazy, it's just my writing style. If I'm lazy, Hemingway was probably the laziest man who ever lived.
If I miscommunicated, then I apologize, but even Hemingway pulled out fancy verbs in his direct sentences. If you're going to be short, I suggest you use some note-worthy words, rather than those useless words, like "is" and "was." Don't make me yawn.
 
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