Writing My brother, My brother (Poem) (PG-13)

Should I continue to improve my poems and continue to write them?

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Clownshateu2

RIP Pokemon TCG: 1996 - 2011.
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My brother, my brother
I remember on that fateful night.
Stumbling and reaking the odor of
alochol, walking with a swagger into
the bar. My brother, my brother
how dare you ridicule me;
word after word, insults sting the tounge,
you still continued to persue me.
My brother, my brother
I still remain standing here,
hand clenchted in a fist
You beg me to strike you, word after word
My brother, my brother
I look to the floor
while you lay motionless
men breaking through the door
The emotions and rage inside me
as the cold metal contains my wrist
My brother, my brother
I was able to come
To say you lay so peacefully
Eyes closed,
frozen,
cold.
My brother, my brother
What have I done?
To see one a haggard drunk
and finally be brought down.
Upon your own weight,
You are now with the Earth
And today I will meet you in
that Holy Land, and forgive me
for what I have done.
My brother, my brother,
An Eye for an Eye
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust,
let thy biding be done.

Yes there is a few spelling errors and excuse me for that. However, I just wanted a basic understanding of this poem. Please say what can be done to improve this

Update(New) Added a new line towards the end of the poem
 
RE: My brother, My brother (Poem)

Very... interesting? Is that it? May I ask what your motive was for writing this poem?
I kind of like it. It's nice enough, though poems don't get noticed much around here. You should put up some more! I certainly would like to see some more of your work, it looks promising.
 
RE: My brother, My brother (Poem)

Well the moral is about a man killing another man, only finding out it was his long lost brother. However the beginning shows the emotions and thoughts of the narrator how he put up with this drunk man and took him down as he ridicudled him. However, after he left jail, he discovered it was his brother and paid his visits to his casket. But nearing the end, the narrator questions his existance and why he did it and takes his own life. With the analogy "Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashed", the narrator paid his debt to his brother by joining him, commiting suicide.

Deep story much?
 
RE: My brother, My brother (Poem)

Just a quick note: I recall you used to post a lot of short poetry here, Clownshateu2. Things of this length are fine on their own, but if you're going post poems in the future that are less than about ten (or, I should perhaps even say, twelve) lines, could you please keep them to a single poetry thread to help cut down on clutter in the forum? Thanks.

In any case, I think you should make the rating PG-13 since you're dealing with darker and somewhat adult themes such as murder, alcohol abuse, death, etc. Also, give a quick proofread to this to when you can. I only spotted a few misspellings that broke the dark-sided trance the poem focused me on (alcohol, tongue, and clenched in particular), but they're a distraction you really don't want to have in poems since they're so much more noticable here than in regular fiction. Otherwise, it's not that bad, and definitely an improvement over what I remember you posting before.
 
RE: My brother, My brother (Poem)

Thanks a lot, i will make sure I can fix these errors in the future.
 
RE: My brother, My brother (Poem)

I believe that if you separated the sections into verses, or stanzas, or whatever you say, then it'd be easier to read. If you have some sort of spell check other than your eyes, feel free to use it.

Overall, it's good. The repetition, while I would think is too frequent, may be seen by others to be... Setting of this man's feelings of despair. Thoroughly enjoyable.
 
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