Writing Obsidian: The Creation of Evil

[Shiny Shinx]

This is a story by yours truly, about the game I am designing, Obsidian. Nothing really else to say, so enjoy!

Introduction: Once, eons ago, there was 2 great and powerful creatures, one of the sun, one of the moon. They were constantly fighting until the Amulets that symbolise their power were taken and used to power a machine, one that created a mysterious Black Arrow. The dark essence of the Black Arrow created yet another majestic creature that contained enough power to stop the eternal war and send the two deities to their own Temples, where they have remained ever since. The great being went to its own Temple, the Light Temple. But the power of Chaos ripped it down, and the powerful creature was sent to wander the world. And so it has stayed, to this very day.

~SS

 

[Cortel II]

Not bad, I see good potential here, maybe expand on the details, give us some names and places a little more.

 

[Shiny Shinx]

Hey, it's just the prologue, a simple legend. Well, not simple, but, you know...

Chapter 1: Dreams

Chase was having a bad dream. He hadn't since he was around 3. Anyway, he was seeing a freaky storm, where clouds swirled around and sunlight and moonlight both streamed down in patches. Thunder cracked, and rain pelted down in a patchwork of places. Out of absolutely nowhere, something black and shiny fell out of the sky. It landed in a stone pedestal, and the insane storm ended. He woke up. That strange squall scared him more than his best friend's idea of a funny face. His little brother Matthew stood over him, eyes wide. "What?"
Chase was completely confused. " You were dancing."
"DANCING?"
"All wiggly."
"Oh. I see."
As it turns out, he was tossing and turning in his sleep. "It's time to wake up!"
Matthew had gotten over seeing his brother 'dance' in his sleep. Chase and Matthew raced down the stairs and smack dab into a plastic chair and a sturdy wood table. "Ugggghhhh..."
Chase peeled himself from the table. Matthew promptly got up, and sat in the chair he ran into. They got themselves identical bowls of Munchlax Crunch cereal and devoured it like rabid Houndoom. Their mom walked out of her room. " Remember, Chase, today Professor Pine wants to see you and the new kid in town, what's his name... Giovanni! That's it!"
Chase stopped in midchomp. He raced out the door, pulling his jacket on the way. He dashed down the street to the Pokemon Professor's lab. Pine was there, along with Giovanni. Giovanni was a tall skinny kind of kid with short black hair and always dressed in red. This time he was different. He was wearing a black shirt with a red 'R' on it. He was also wearing an eyepatch. "Where the heck were ya?"
"Uhhh... asleep. What happened to your eye?"
"Cut across it with a pair of scissors. I will be able to see out of it soon, though."
"Er, nice."
"ARE YOU TWO DONE CHATTING?"
"Yup."
"M-hm"
"Well then."
Pine was a tall man in his mid fourties with brown hair and glasses. He picked up three Poke Balls. "Choose one, each of you."
Chase cautiously grabbed a sphere...

~SS

 

[Shiny Shinx]

Chapter 2: A Friend

Chase grabbed a sphere. "OK..."
He pressed the button. A black and green feline materialized off to the side.
Grrrmeow!
"Whazza that?!"
Chase leaped out of his skin.
Hisss...
He gave it a fierce look and stuck a hand out. The creature sniffed it.
"You chose Mithik, the Jungle Feline Pokemon!"
Pine explained.
"Heh. Let's see what I got."
Giovanni gave a cold sneer at the scene.
"Come on!" "..."
Everybody stared at Giovanni's choice. After a flash of orange sparks, a small red worm-like Pokemon lay writhing on the floor. Giovanni cautiously prodded it. "Yeowch! Hothothot!"
He dashed around the room waving his burnt hand around until he found a bucket of ice water and dunked his whole arm in it. Pine winced. "Er, that is Moltorm, the Flare Pokemon."
Giovanni scowled at the description and returned the worm to it's Poke Ball. Grrrr...
It was rather obvious that Mithik disliked the Moltorm. "OK, let's go train, Mithik!"
Mrreow?
The two bounded and ran out the door. Giovanni adjusted his eyepatch and followed them. "Those two kids. They won't get along,"
Pine muttered. He shrugged and began working on a design that would eventually find it's way to the Trainers...

~SS

 

[Cortel II]

Hmmm, I' like it, just a few things, mainly spacing, I'm seeing a wall of text. so don't be afraid to use the "ENTER" key a few times, like before and after every "Dialogue" i.e.

the man walked down the deserted street, after a few minutes another man walked up and said,
"HI! hows things going."
the first man stopped and looked at the second man coming up the street.

like that, it makes it a bit easier to read.
Others may disagree with me, but that's what I see for problems.

 

[Shiny Shinx]

More coming soon (hopefully, considering how long since last chapter)

~SS

---

OK, got it.

Chapter 3: The First Battle

Chase was exhausted. Mithik had run for at least a straight mile after they left the lab.
"Gah... Wait up..."
Mithik looked back.
Mraow?
Chase dragged himself over to the feline.
"Scratch." "Yeow!"
As it turned out, the best target happened to be his face.
"Oww. Fury Swipes. On that tree."
Slice! Slice! Chase was rather impressed.
Yah! Hiyah!
What appeared to be a long-nosed Rattata standing on its hind legs and brandishing a sword dashed out of a shrub.
Meow! Grrrr...
Mithik raised a threatening paw. The... thing waved its saber.
Crewshrew! Yah! Yah! Hiyah!
"Uhmm... Fury Swipes!"
Two powerful slashes later, the Crewshrew was KOd, lying on the ground.
"Yay! We did it!"
Purr!
Suddenly, a strange noise startled Chase. Giovanni stepped out from a nearby shrub. Chase jumped, along with Mithik.
"Pathetic. Let me show you how it's done. Go, Moltorm!"
...
Rahh!
The opponents faced off in the clearing.
"Fury Swipes!"
"Ember!"
Moltorm recoiled with a cut across its face. Mithik, however, went down immediately with smoke rising from his fur. He rolled and stood back up with a big blackened splotch on his side.
"Scratch!"
"Harden."
Mithik lashed out, and Moltorm took yet another slash. After slumping even lower (worms don't have very far to fall), it stiffened up. At first, Giovanni gave a small triumphant grin, but when Moltorm rolled over and didn't move, his face darkened.
"(grrrr) I won't let this go... Return."
Giovanni walked into the most heavily shadowed part of the woods, leaving a small wad of cash as his payment. Chase picked up his reward. 80.

~SS

 

[Inconceivable]

All of these are too short. I can't see why this hasn't been noticed yet.

 

[Juliacoolo]

These do not follow writing corner guidelines. Please make your chapters longer, and make sure that they follow all writing corner procedures.

PM me when you're ready to edit in changes. Until then: *Lock*