Writing Pokemon: Here Comes Team Rocket!

PokeChamp

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Prologue:​

Defeat. For Archer, a member of a famous crime syndicate, it felt unbearable. As the rain fell down on his green hair, he took a moment to think of everything he had lost. His plans were foiled; his honor was put to shame; his life had been ruined. These feelings swelled up in Archer's heart, and more. Archer wondered what Giovanni would think of him now.
Argh, to be so close to it, Archer thought in pain. To be an inch away from victory, and then to lose it all.

Archer's scheme had been held on to for a long time. Ever since Giovanni had lost to a kid, of all people, Team Rocket had been forced to permanently disband. As for Giovanni's whereabouts, no one knew for certain where he had gone. Some speculated that he had taken his own life. Others, that he was still out there, waiting for the moment to strike and gain back his power.

Archer wondered whether the former was true; had Giovanni actually committed suicide? Had the ultimate commander of Team Rocket soiled his reputation and dismembered his honor for all eternity? Archer gasped in emotional pain when he considered the implications--considered that this whole plan had been a waste of time.

Then Archer felt ashamed for actually thinking such terrible thoughts about "the Boss". Tears streaked down his face. He brushed the tears from his eyes and thought of how this had all went downhill.

It had started with that boy. Ever since he had infiltrated Team Rocket's operations at Slowpoke Well, the boy was starting to be a thorn in Team Rocket's side.

When Archer and his team tried to communicate with Giovanni, the boy managed to battle his way through an entire building of grunts, commanders, and executives. The climax of the entire event was when he challenged Archer to a battle in the radio tower. Archer, knowing this boy was more than ordinary, didn't take it easy on him. He battled with every last ounce of his power, and surprisingly, it still wasn't enough. In what seemed like only a few minutes, Archer had been trumped by the boy and peace restored to Johto.

Archer began to feel great hatred for the boy, and he vowed to someday avenge his disbanded team. He wondered where the rest of his team had went off to. Most likely to start a new life, to finally embrace the concept of honesty. Archer shuddered at the spineless worms he had recruited to do his dirty work. He tromped through the mud, the rain pounding against him.

Archer had no clue what was in store for him. He felt as if his only purpose in life had been crushed. His gaze was cast down as he walked, not exactly knowing where he was going, but knowing he had to go somewhere. Life came at him unexpectedly when he rammed into something hard. He lost his balance and fell into the mud, staining his white Team Rocket uniform. Archer got up and kept moving, not caring enough to look at the obstacle that stood in front of him. He felt someone trying to restrain him. He punched up where he imagined the obstacle's face to be. For a few seconds, he was successful and able to move again. But then, he felt an iron blow against his backside, and he curled over in pain. He could hear words being spoken, but in the state that he was in he couldn't understand their meaning. All he knew was the pain. The pain that wouldn't cease to torment him. He got up and confronted his assailant; a big, burly man in a blue uniform with a thick baton in his right hand and a pair of handcuffs to the left. Archer ran at the rotund attacker struck him first in the stomach, then he swung upward into an uppercut to the man's face. The man staggered down to his knees in pain, and Archer approached him. Examining the man, Archer realized he was a police officer trying to enforce the law. Archer didn't have anything against the police force, but he thought that there was a critical flaw in their thinking; what good is trying to enforce the law on someone who is above it?
"You know, officer," Archer began to say calmly. "I wonder if you are familiar with an older expression. I personally feel it's quite appropriate at the moment.
"What was it again...?", Archer pretended to muse. He then paused for a moment. Suddenly, he grinned.
"Oh yeah, I remember now," Archer said, smiling. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall." Archer's face turned from a smile into a scowl. He raised both of his hands, and almost in the same instant he delivered two powerful blows to the police man's neck, temporarily causing the man to slip into unconsciousness.

The rain began to pelt Archer's back, seemingly heavier than before. Soon afterward, his uniform was beginning to soak in the heavy rain fall. The sky rumbled, signaling the coming of lightning with the sound of thunder. Archer looked up at the sky. He wondered whether it was trying to communicate with him. Perhaps it was roaring in disapproval of him. Perhaps it laughed at his pathetic state of mind. Archer then realized that he was being dragged. He looked at his captors: more policemen. He tried to attack the policemen, but realized his hands were restrained by handcuffs. He screamed, enraged at their audacity, and despite himself, struggled to get free; it was no use. They threw him into the back of a car and shut the doors. The room was completely dark, with the exception of a barred window where the doors were. Archer took a moment to rest in the vehicle as it took off towards his new destiny.

Archer awoke; he was being dragged out of the car. When he was out of the vehicle, he saw a tall building ahead of him. It was the national court, the highest level court for criminals. He entered the building and was sent to sit in the box next to the judge. An arrogant-looking man approached Archer and read a list of crimes that Archer already knew he had committed.
"...The defendant, a certain Mr. Archer, has been accused of armed robbery, treason, abuse of Pokemon, conspiracy and being an accomplice in the many crimes of a certain crime organization, none other than Team Rocket."
Do you deny these crimes?", the man asked Archer.

Archer opened up his mouth to speak, but was interrupted again by the man.
"My I remind you, sir," the man said, "that you are under oath?".
"I am guilty of the 'offenses' committed," Archer said with a great deal of sarcasm. He then lifted up his arms dramatically, and shouted, "Long live Team Rocket!".
 
this is really good! Why has no one replied on this yet? I have no idea. I love it! please continue!
 
aggiegwyn said:
this is really good! Why has no one replied on this yet? I have no idea. I love it! please continue!

Thanks.

But the good part hasn't even come yet. ;]

For that, you'll have to wait for just a single chapter. I'll get to work on it soon.
 
PokeChamp said:
Thanks.

But the good part hasn't even come yet. ;]

For that, you'll have to wait for just a single chapter. I'll get to work on it soon.

great! I cant wait!
 
What is this, Take Four or Five? :p

Anyway, there's not much needed to be said about the prologue as usual; introductions are made, and - though I really hate them (lately with literary hindsight) - background information is given in this case. A bit of digression: using foreshadowing in the prologue is nice, but cliffhanging isn't. A good prologue doesn't need to stop before the event resolves; it finishes a full event, but leaves ties open that the next chapters will attempt to close, usually creating more questions as they do so. In your prologue, you actually reached an "ending" of what started at the beginning: guy gets arrested, then he "confesses." Now why am I telling you something like this when you have already done it well?

It's because that when you start all over again, I'm making sure you remember to repeat that part and not make lousy introductions and background giving junk. :p

Now onto a format thing: I understand why you grouped paragraphs and dialogue in that manner, but I still prefer the conventional way. You can argue your view on it, but I doubt I'm going to change my opinion anytime soon. Oh, and speaking of dialogue, thanks for fixing it up since last time, but you've still an error: no punctuation is needed after the quotation mark. Ever.

Lastly, there's something weak in your little third-person narration: it just constant refers back to Archer again and again and again. Just stop it and get rid of the name:

Archer's scheme had been held on to for a long time. Ever since Giovanni had lost to a kid, of all people, Team Rocket had been forced to permanently disband. As for Giovanni's whereabouts, no one knew for certain where he had gone. Some speculated that he had taken his own life. Others, that he was still out there, waiting for the moment to strike and gain back his power.

What if the former was true and Giovanni actually committed suicide? Had the ultimate commander of Team Rocket soiled his reputation and dismembered his honor for all eternity? Archer gasped in emotional pain when he considered the implications--considered that this whole plan had been a waste of time.

No, how could you even think such terrible thoughts about "the Boss"? Tears streaked down his face. He brushed the tears from his eyes and thought of how this had all went downhill.
Note that I've removed two references to Archer by changing viewpoints: the first instance becomes first-person as a personal internal question, and the second as a second-person self-scold. The first edit flows better, whereas the second actually becomes worse (wow, I'm demonstrating a bad example). The reason for this exception is that in the first edit, the rest of the paragraph is of a similar structure: first-person questions, but the second edit makes an awkward shift from second-person to third person. The options now are to revise back, or to set that new sentence as its own paragraph and elaborate on his self-lecture a bit more in second person.

I don't have much time as of late, but I hope this helped.

Happy writing,
~Zyflair
 
Zyflair said:
What is this, Take Four or Five? :p

Anyway, there's not much needed to be said about the prologue as usual; introductions are made, and - though I really hate them (lately with literary hindsight) - background information is given in this case. A bit of digression: using foreshadowing in the prologue is nice, but cliffhanging isn't. A good prologue doesn't need to stop before the event resolves; it finishes a full event, but leaves ties open that the next chapters will attempt to close, usually creating more questions as they do so. In your prologue, you actually reached an "ending" of what started at the beginning: guy gets arrested, then he "confesses." Now why am I telling you something like this when you have already done it well?

It's because that when you start all over again, I'm making sure you remember to repeat that part and not make lousy introductions and background giving junk. :p

Now onto a format thing: I understand why you grouped paragraphs and dialogue in that manner, but I still prefer the conventional way. You can argue your view on it, but I doubt I'm going to change my opinion anytime soon. Oh, and speaking of dialogue, thanks for fixing it up since last time, but you've still an error: no punctuation is needed after the quotation mark. Ever.

Lastly, there's something weak in your little third-person narration: it just constant refers back to Archer again and again and again. Just stop it and get rid of the name:
Note that I've removed two references to Archer by changing viewpoints: the first instance becomes first-person as a personal internal question, and the second as a second-person self-scold. The first edit flows better, whereas the second actually becomes worse (wow, I'm demonstrating a bad example). The reason for this exception is that in the first edit, the rest of the paragraph is of a similar structure: first-person questions, but the second edit makes an awkward shift from second-person to third person. The options now are to revise back, or to set that new sentence as its own paragraph and elaborate on his self-lecture a bit more in second person.

I don't have much time as of late, but I hope this helped.

Happy writing,
~Zyflair

Take nine-thousand-and-one, actually. I'm not even going to try and make an empty promise about how "this one will be different", and how "I will make sure that this one is finished." If I do, then I do; if I don't, then I don't. End of sentence. By being realistic about it all, I'll have no regrets if I somehow manage to abandon another story. :p

I see what you mean, but the prologue is actually resolved. Obviously, if he confesses to the crime, he's going to be thrown in jail. Instead of wasting the reader's time with yet another[/i] paragraph, I instead opened it up for the reader to make their own conclusions, thus forcing them, if even subconsciously, into truly drowning in the depth of my writing.

When writing dialogue, I prefer to start sentences on a new line. This is simply how I've written since my first fanfic on this site, by the prompting of SixaxiS, a once very influential writer on these forums who, arguably, has shaped my writing into what it is today. That and the constant constructive criticism of Lou Cypher in the Article Submissions forum; after probably what was my seventh official article, I started to get what he was saying and it has even affected my fanfics and not just my articles. Looking back, I am amused at the fact that my primary inspiration of writing was someone who's first language wasn't even English.

Although my viewpoints are a little flawed perhaps, omitting Archer's name may not be the best idea. It focuses around him; he, like most of the villains in my works, is the main character of the entire story. Although I do agree that perhaps I need to shift views at times and if Archer's name must be eliminated in certain paragraphs to do so, then so be it.

I'll get to work on chapter one soon enough, hopefully you can provide some more insight when it's up.

I always enjoy reading what you have to say, as you have a depth to writing that I sometimes forget to employ.
 
Nonono, I miscommunicated; I was saying that your prologue was indeed resolved, but when you start over again, you better do it once more. :p

Actually conventional form means that each line of dialogue is separated in its own paragraph, and if you take a look at SixaxiS's post, you'll see that he told you to "Split the paragraphs when people are talking," rather than just pushing them down a new line. But if you're that used to it, I guess I can't push you.

My first language wasn't English either. Just a fun fact. :p

Omission doesn't remove focus. It just removes redundancy. It's like talking about a flower by pointing at it and then describing it without even saying "that flower" once. We know what you're talking about already, so there's no need to mention it. Shifting views is just one of the ways a reader does that.

When I have time, I'll come back and look then.
 
Back
Top