Writing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of the Universe

AshsGirlSkymin

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I woke up on a beach that had a lot of palm trees and some grass. Krabby and Kingler were blowing bubbles. I saw a Male Totodile and a Male Pikachu playing on the beach. I barely woke up, but my eyes were blurry and I couldn't get myself to pick myself up. The Pikachu looked at me and ran over to me. "Excuse me, are you ok!?" He asked me. "Am I ok?" I asked myself. How can Pokemon talk? And this was a pretty big Pikachu. Taller then me, actually. "So you're a Shaymin,right now Sky Forme I believe?" He asked me. "I wish..." I said weakly. He looked at me wierdly. "You're not joking..?" I asked him. "Why would I be joking with you when you're in THIS condition!?" He asked me. The Totodile came plodding over to me. "Are you ok?" He asked me. His voice was scratchy and tough. He and Pikachu pulled me up. I felt better. "Go look in the pond." The Pikachu told me. It was incredibly hard to walk on two legs, so I just walked on four. I looked at myself. I was a Shaymin Sky Forme! But my body was pink and that thing on my head was black. The flower on my neck was black also. "I am a Pokemon..." I muttered under my breath. Pikachu introduced himself. "I'm Bobby, and I'm a Pikachu. And here's my precious treasure. I think I can trust you," He said showing me a rock with an odd pattern. "Isn't it beautiful?" He muttered under his breath. "Yes!" I said. After seeing that pattern I felt all tingly and excited for some reason. Then the Totodile introduced himself. "My name is Jake and yeah..." He told me. "Well, everyone called me Bubblegum when I was a human...so call me Bubblegum." I said to them. "Human!?" The two boys asked me at the same time. "Yes human, I told you I'm not a Pokemon...well now I am...arggggg!" I yelled, pacing around. The boys comforted me. "Yo, Bubblegum, we'll find you an answer." Jake said. "Thanks." I said with a twinkle in my eye. But, something happened. A Koffing came and knocked Bobby on the floor and stole his treasure, which he called his "Relic Fragment". Then a Zubat got clobbered by Jake, and he clobbered the Koffing. They were still not knocked out, though. They ran into a cave in the beach. Me and Jake ran over to Bobby. "Are you ok!?" I said with madness, sadness, and caringly. Bobby picked himself up and started crying hard. "Th...that wassss...my p-precious t-tre-treasure. I-I-It means everything to me!" He wailed.

Chapter two, Into the Cave!

"I'll help you go find it if you want!" I said, not suggesting, it was like I was telling him to do so. "Y-you will!?" Bobby said, looking up at me with a gleam in his eyes. "Me too!" Jake added in. "Th-thank you guys. You're real friends." Bobby said, wiping his tears off his red cheeks. Me and Jake helped him up, and marched into the cave. It was dark and wierd. My feet made echoing noises off the floor. It was so quiet, I could hear the dropping of tiny drops of dark and murky water off the stalictites. I breathed hardly and was very scared. But then something jumped out in front of me! But Jake came in front of me too and bit it. I realized it was a Shellos. "Why did it do that!?" I asked Jake, still dazed from what just happened. "See, Pokemon are going wild and are attacking anyone who don't live in their Mystery Dungeons." He replied, calmly and smoothly. "Mystery Dungeon?" I asked. It made my heart beat fast, but the name sounded mystical and mysterious. "Mystery Dugeons are...well what we are exploring in right now. And what's so awesome and cool is that, say if you were at B10 in...er say a place I know called "Drenched Bluff", the next time I'm at the floor, the layout COMPLETELY changes! And, when you're knocked out, you are FORCED to go back where you started outside of the dungeon." Jake told me. "Aaand, if you had, say Poke', that gold coin stuff that's scattered on this floor, I saw one already, and items, if you get knocked out, you lose half of your items and Poke'!" Bobby told me. "What is Poke' used for?" I asked Bobby. "Well, well! Poke' is used to buy stuff in this world!" He said, laughing. I laughed myself. A few Pokemon attacked my team, but we were allright. "Oh, and lot's of more lessons," Jake said. "See, if you don't eat for a long time, you start losing your health, or your HP, and eventually faint. And those gray tiles with the green arrows, see one? It's right here. If you had a stat loss, or gain, just step on one of those to return to normal. And, last thing. Do you know how, when you use a move, you have a limited amount of times to use it? For instance, at this time, the maximum time I can use this move is 10. And it's called PP, or Powerpoints." I smiled lightly. Then a wild Shellder came flying at me, but I used Razor Leaf to K.O. it. But I felt all wierd and tingly. Then, I turned all white for a sec, and I felt stronger. "You just leveled up!" Bobby told me. "You know that if you get enough EXP Points, you can Level up. And then, you'll get a little stronger if you level up!" He continued. I felt good. But I saw a light coming. I ran out with my team and realized it was the Zubat and Koffing from earlier. "Grrr!" Bobby said, quite loudly, to get their attention. They both turned around. "Oh, look, it's the Scaredy-Skitty!" Zubat teased. I had enough of those two. I used my Razor Leaf right on Zubat's face. Bobby and Jake looked at me, awestruck, but still trying not to laugh. Zubat came and Tackled me. It didn't hurt much, though, because I was a way higher level, Level 8, then him. Then I used Energy Ball on him. He fainted. Bobby used Thundershock on Koffing, but Koffing used Smokescreen on both Bobby and Jake. I used Energy Ball on Koffing from far away. Bobby and Jake were whiffers, so they couldn't attack. Koffing came hurtling at me, but, I got his body with my hands, spun around, and threw Koffing against a rock. He was K.O.'d too. Jake and Bobby ran to me and gave me a high five. "Fine, Fine. You can have your rock." Zubat said, hurling it at Bobby's face. "But remember, it was a fluke." Koffing said, and they both ran off. Our team went back. "Thank you guys so much!" Bobby said, hugging his treasure. I felt happy and started to fly in a small circle around the beach. I landed and Bobby said to Me and Jake "Can we make a Rescue Team? I think we'd be a great Rescue Team..." Me and Jake looked at each other. "Ok!" We both said after no hesitation. "Thank you guys so much!" Bobby said with tears in his eyes. "Now, we have to go to Wigglytuff's Guild to apply." He shouted, and we all marched off to the guild, the sunset giving us courage.
 
This looks too much like you took the opening scenes to PMD Explorers of Sky, and then tried to stick it into fanfic format. The video game world really can't transpose directly into the fanfic world. Most of the action looks like the protagonist is performing it, and the sentences (which are pretty much all shorter than 10 words, and most of them are fragments anyway, such as 'Taller than me, actually.') don't really embellish much on the plot, or of the scene you have to try and make us readers visualize. You say there are Krabby and Kingler on the beach, but what is special about the beach? Is it high tide or low tide? Are there any sort of interesting bits of nature? And what about the time of day, or how the sun reflects off of the water? The more detailed you become, the more accurate a 'picture' you will 'paint' with your words (although, try not to go too far into it).

Dialogue also goes on a separate line, standardly:

"Excuse me, are you okay!?" he asked me.
"Am I okay?" I asked myself. [...]
"So you're a Shaymin, right now Sky Forme I believe?" he asked me.
"I wish..." I said weakly.
He looked at me weirdly.
"You're not joking..?" I asked him.
"Why would I be joking with you when you're in THIS condition!?" he asked me.
(and so forth)

Your language doesn't have that great of a variety; after every quotation you put 'he asked me', whereas you could put something like 'the Pikachu responded'. I didn't read your entire chapter in detail, but in glancing over it (and speed-reading it), I can tell it needs a lot of work. Are you new to writing stories? Have you ever written anything before?

Clean up your post a little bit to look like a proper story (and fix the spelling on the misspelt words), and I'll be able to give you a fuller critique.

inb4sum1elsecomesinandtearsthisthingapart
 
DNA, you jerk. >>'

But adding on to what he said, uhhh yeah, try and make better use of the enter key. It's INCREDIBLY hard to read such a block of text like this one, so double space out new paragraphs. Whenever someone else starts talking, hit the enter key. Also, if it goes back and forth between two characters for a bit, you don't always need to use description to notify which character's speaking, but USE THAT SPARINGLY!

Right now, this just looks like one big paragraph when it should be a good few more. Don't be afraid to describe things and take it slowly.

Also inb4Zyflairlolol
 
Meh, what can I say that hasn't already been? Well, Shaymin's different, since most people don't use legendaries as main characters of fics. As to whether or not that's a good thing, I guess that remains to be seen. Overall, I think DNA really covered things best. A lot of this should be rewritten rather than reedited, though. I would try and aim for at least a couple pages (double spaced after each new paragraph) before really calling something a chapter, and it helps to post each chapter seperately (bunching them together just looks sloppy). Like all stories, there's always potential for your work, it just takes time and effort!
 
DNA said:
This looks too much like you took the opening scenes to PMD Explorers of Sky, and then tried to stick it into fanfic format. The video game world really can't transpose directly into the fanfic world. Most of the action looks like the protagonist is performing it, and the sentences (which are pretty much all shorter than 10 words, and most of them are fragments anyway, such as 'Taller than me, actually.') don't really embellish much on the plot, or of the scene you have to try and make us readers visualize. You say there are Krabby and Kingler on the beach, but what is special about the beach? Is it high tide or low tide? Are there any sort of interesting bits of nature? And what about the time of day, or how the sun reflects off of the water? The more detailed you become, the more accurate a 'picture' you will 'paint' with your words (although, try not to go too far into it).

Dialogue also goes on a separate line, standardly:

Your language doesn't have that great of a variety; after every quotation you put 'he asked me', whereas you could put something like 'the Pikachu responded'. I didn't read your entire chapter in detail, but in glancing over it (and speed-reading it), I can tell it needs a lot of work. Are you new to writing stories? Have you ever written anything before?

Clean up your post a little bit to look like a proper story (and fix the spelling on the misspelt words), and I'll be able to give you a fuller critique.

inb4sum1elsecomesinandtearsthisthingapart

Ok, tell me what's missplelled. IM 11.

Crystal Hikara said:
DNA, you jerk. >>'

But adding on to what he said, uhhh yeah, try and make better use of the enter key. It's INCREDIBLY hard to read such a block of text like this one, so double space out new paragraphs. Whenever someone else starts talking, hit the enter key. Also, if it goes back and forth between two characters for a bit, you don't always need to use description to notify which character's speaking, but USE THAT SPARINGLY!

Right now, this just looks like one big paragraph when it should be a good few more. Don't be afraid to describe things and take it slowly.

Also inb4Zyflairlolol

K thanks~!
 
CH, I'm not a jerk and you know it. But, at the very least, you got here before Zyflair. He'd go crazy. (inb4zyflair indeed!)

@AGS: Only a few things were really misspelt in your story. I might (or might not) notice a few more if your story was spaced out more like a paragraph, but the only thing I noticed so far was 'ok'. (It's either OK, O.K., or okay, but never ok.) Spelling isn't usually the biggest issue (although, it's good that you don't really have that issue to speak of); it's usually grammar and sentence structure that is the clincher.

Besides, my point wasn't really to fix spelling so much as to restructure the story (since that is the bigger issue). Also, I'd listen to what Apollo said also, not just CH and I...
 
DNA said:
CH, I'm not a jerk and you know it. But, at the very least, you got here before Zyflair. He'd go crazy. (inb4zyflair indeed!)

@AGS: Only a few things were really misspelt in your story. I might (or might not) notice a few more if your story was spaced out more like a paragraph, but the only thing I noticed so far was 'ok'. (It's either OK, O.K., or okay, but never ok.) Spelling isn't usually the biggest issue (although, it's good that you don't really have that issue to speak of); it's usually grammar and sentence structure that is the clincher.

Besides, my point wasn't really to fix spelling so much as to restructure the story (since that is the bigger issue). Also, I'd listen to what Apollo said also, not just CH and I...

It was K.O. and please don't call me AGS. :(
 
"Excuse me, are you ok!?" He asked me. "Am I ok?" I asked myself.
^I was talking about that. And, what would you rather me call you (unless you prefer being called by your full name)?
 
DNA said:
^I was talking about that. And, what would you rather me call you (unless you prefer being called by your full name)?

Just call me Bubblegum. But really, I can't make teeny mistakes? What else did I do?
 
Us writers at the Writer's Haven (especially myself and Zyflair) are extreeeeeeme grammar nazis. We find some sick sadistic pleasure tearing all the fics apart.

Not really, but we generally are pretty picky about this sort of thing.

Age is no excuse for not taking the time to make things readable. I shall reiterate here: PLEASE, USE THE ENTER KEY WHEN SOMEONE NEW STARTS SPEAKING. I know I can get intimidated by what we call 'walls-of-text' like what you have right there, and I have a force of habit of writing them myself sometimes as well. But it becomes very easy to get lost in a wall-of-text like that one. Breaking it up will give the folks that are to be reading this to go 'Okay, this is what happened in this part; now I can use this thought to move on to the next'. As it stands now, your 'chapters' are very difficult to read because we cannot tell where one thought is supposed to end or who is going to be talking next. It's not so much a teensy mistake as a common new-writer one.

I can't really point anything else out until those blocks are separated. My eyes just refuse to read them...:/
 
Making teeny mistakes is okay, and the only two people that actually care about teeny mistakes are DNA and CH. But if you want to get more readers, you really have to follow a few important rules.

As already said, each time someone else speaks, you need to move it to a new line. This makes it MUCH easier to read and much less cluttered. Put it this way: if you had to run off for something and then you come back, with the large paragraph, it's going to get REALLY hard to find where you left off. Each new paragraph is like a checkpoint and lets me know where I'm at. Believe me, it looks plenty better if you just try that.

The second thing I'm not a big fan of is - what DNA already alluded to - is taking the whole PMD thing into fanfic form. It's not bad, but you seem to over do it. Be a bit realistic; would Pokémon that fight consciously take PP into consideration? They wouldn't. Make the story real, not a game.


Also, since I'm in a bitc- bright mood:
Also inb4Zyflairlolol
Unlike you, I have a LIFE.
 
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