Writing Pokemon: Rocket Masquerade

StarlightSearcher

StarlightSearcher

The Blonde Brainiac
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Rated PG-13 for mild violence.

Pokemon: Rocket Masquerade​

Synopsis for Rocket Masquerade.

Erik was a great Pokemon Trainer. He had just beaten the legendary Ash Ketchum pretty handily. He did run into shady characters a few times on his journey through Johto. Little did he know, a new shady character, would drag him towards her side, Team Rocket.

Chapter 1—Domino Appears!

It was a sunny day in Olivine. A tall, brown-haired guy woke up and stepped outside his hotel room. He inhaled the salty sea smell deeply before walking back into the hotel room. Today was the day he’d challenge the Johto Battle Frontier. He trained his entire team day in and day out, perfecting combos to compete against the Battle Frontier. His team consisted of Typhlosion, Kingdra, Electivire, Honchkrow, Sceptile and Donphan. He put on his green jacket over his white shirt. He put on a pair of pants, took his Poke Balls and ran out the hotel towards the beach.

As Erik got to the beach, he couldn’t help like he was being watched. Behind a giant rock, a curly, blonde-haired young lady peered from behind to rock.

“009 to Team Rocket Headquarters. Target in sight.” she replied.
“Excellent! Move out!” the other person replied.
“On it.” she stated, turning off the walkie-talkie. She jumped high into the air, landing in front of Erik.

“Hello, my apologies for starling you!” the lady replied, moving over to Erik, who was startled, and was breathing heavily a little bit.
“No problem. What’s your name?” Erik asked, slightly panting.
“My name is Domino!” Domino replied, happily. Domino wore a white and red hat with a brown jacket, with a green undershirt, green pants and red sneakers. Something seemed off about this girl, but Erik shrugged it off.
“Wow! You have all 8 Johto Gym Badges!” Domino said, shocked.
“Yeah.” Erik said, sheepishly.
“Can I battle you? Please?” Domino asked. She even pulled the “puppy eyes/whimpering lip” stunt.
“Okay. I guess so.” Erik replied.
“Oh goody!” Domino said, excitedly.

The two battled on the beach, the wind blew small drifts on sand throughout the battlefield.

“Let’s do a 3 on 3, okay?” Erik asked.
“That’s fine by me!” Domino replied. She threw her Poke Ball and out popped a shiny Roserade.
“What?! A shiny Roserade!?” Erik said, shocked.
“I know. Isn’t she a cutie?” Domino replied, happily.
“Typhlosion! Show it what for!” Erik replied, throwing his Poke Ball. His trusty pal, Typhlosion, emerged from a burst of flames.
“We can take him, right Roserade?” Domino asked. Roserade nodded in return.
“Typhlosion, use Flamethrower!” Erik ordered. Typhlosion shot a stream of flames from its mouth.
“Dodge!” Domino simply said. Roserade jumped out of the way, to the shock of Erik and his Typhlosion.
“Roserade! Show why they call you the ‘Black Tulip’!” Domino commanded, “Poison Jab!”
Roserade slipped behind Typhlosion and launched a rapid fire Poison Jab. Typhlosion simply fell with a thud. Roserade, bowed courteously, before returning to Domino.
“All right! We did it! We did it!” Domino said, happily. Roserade seemed equally happy.
“Return Typhlosion.” Erik said, softly. He looked at the girl, who was all giddy with excitement.
“What’s with this girl?” Erik asked himself as he prepared the next Pokemon.

“Go, Honchkrow!” Erik exclaimed. His Honchkrow appeared in a dark mist before blowing all of it away with a flap of it’s wings.
“We’re not backing down! Aren’t we Roserade?” Domino replied. Roserade was equally determined.
“Aerial Ace!” Erik ordered. He knew Roserade could not dodge this move. It hit Roserade square in the chest, sending it flying. It got up, but Erik knew Aerial Ace must’ve done quite a lot of damage.
“Roserade, use Poison Jab again!” Domino ordered. Roserade launched a Poison Jab that hit Honchkrow. Honchkrow slid across the sand, before hopping back to its feet.
“Use Aerial Ace!” Erik commanded.
“Counter with Drain Punch!” Domino ordered. The two charged at each other, their attacks coming closer together. Then there was an explosion, and then smoke.
“Honchkrow?” Erik asked.
“Roserade?” Domino asked. Both Pokemon laid next to each other, Knocked Out.

“That’s a tie, I guess.” Erik stated.
“Aww, that stinks.” Domino replied. Both returned their flustered Pokemon to their respected Poke Balls.
“I can’t believe this. I’m the best Trainer in this region and I’m down 2-1 to someone I’ve never even seen before!” Erik said, disgustedly.
“Excellent…that hate, it’s just what we need.” Domino replied, in a tone she didn’t use during the battle.
“What did you just say?” Erik asked.
“Nothing! Nothing!” Domino replied, returning to her normal voice. Again, he just shrugged it off.

“Now, go Kingdra!” Erik commanded.
“Nidoqueen!” Domino replied.
“Hmmm…what’s she planning?” Erik pondered.
“Isn’t she just the cutest thing you ever seen?” Domino asked, sweetly. Nidoqueen gave a bellow of approval.
“Sorry, but your Pokemon picked the wrong fight. Kingdra, use Ice Beam!” Erik exclaimed. Kingdra shot a beam of ice square at Kingdra. It hit Nidoqueen square in the stomach, causing a portion of its stomach to become frozen.
“Nidoqueen, use Double Kick!” Domino ordered. Nidoqueen gave two sharp, powerful kicks to Kingdra.
“You okay Kingdra?” Erik asked. Kingdra nodded, “Give Nidoqueen a full power Ice Beam!” Erik ordered. Kingdra shot another Ice Beam. This one froze Nidoqueen in her tracks.
“Nidoqueen!” Domino shouted.
“Waterfall!” Erik commanded. Kingdra rode a stream of water and it smacked into the frozen Nidoqueen. The ice shattered and Nidoqueen fell with a thud, Knocked Out.
“All right! Now we’re even!” Erik exclaimed.
“Hmph. You think you’re so tough.” Domino replied, in that same serious tone.
“What?” Erik asked.
“You have only seen the beginning. If you come with me, you’ll see what I mean.” Domino stated.
“What are you talking about?” Erik asked. Domino threw off her disguise, showing her Team Rocket uniform.
“You work for Team Rocket?” Erik questioned.
“My fellow agents know me as 009. But, all my adversaries call me the ‘Black Tulip’.” Domino stated.
“But, you called your Roserade that!” Erik replied.
“It was to fool you. And boy, did you fall for it like a Magikarp does a lure. You’re a total sucker!” Domino laughed.
“Gengar! Use Hypnosis!” Domino ordered. Domino’s Gengar jumped in front of Erik, slowly putting him to sleep. He could hear Domino, laughing evily.

The rest, was a blur.

END CHAPTER 1!

(I know, Roserade has some moves it can't normally learn. The reason will be exposed in Chapter 2.)
 
This chapter is pretty awesome. I like how Gengar jump's infront of Erik this story inspried me 2 write stories. Just to let you know that pm me please if you would. Thank you!

-Rotom-Cut
 
I'm not gonna go too in-depth on your consistent grammatical errors, but I'll simply just state that time and time again you seem to abuse the comma. It's not too big of an issue, but try to fix up on it for chapter two.

I gotta say too, the story isn't gripping me. There's hardly any content other than the battle, the primary aspect of the first chapter. Even the battle itself isn't that great; it doesn't last for long at all, and the Pokemon go down in one-two moves. How does a Tyhplosion, for example, go down in a single hit? With that logic, Aerial Ace should have one-hit KO'd Roserade.

From what I see it's apparent that Domino must use some sort of "steroids", shall we say, on her Pokemon to make them more powerful, judging by the one-hit KO of Poison Jab and the moves that normally Roserade cannot learn.

Because of this "enhancement", I would advise you not to make the villain too cheap. She should be beatable, so don't make her Pokemon too powerful.

At the moment the fic is sub-par, but I am sure that with some revision, you can achieve writing greatness.
 
(Sorry for the double post, I just wanted to upload Chapter 2.)

Synopsis for Chapter 2:

Erik, after getting hypnotized by Domino, wakes up and finds himself in Team Rocket HQ. He’s introduced to the leader of Team Rocket, Giovanni, who offers him a spot on Team Rocket. He also finds out how Domino’s Roserade learned all its powerful moves.

Chapter 2—Giovanni!
(Some mushy, gushy stuff may be prevalent.)

Erik slowly woke up from the Hypnosis. He found himself in a dark room. He then glanced around the room.
“Who’s there?” Erik asked. The lights suddenly turned on, showing the same person who kidnapped him, Domino.
“Wow, good morning Sleeping Beauty. You had a nice nap?” she asked.
“Why did you do this?” Erik asked.
“My Boss has had an eye on you for such a long time. He wants you to join Team Rocket.” Domino stated.
“I’ll never join you guys!” Erik shouted.
“Oh? Care to take that up with my Boss?” Domino asked. She grabbed Erik by the arm and led him to Giovanni’s quarters. For some odd reason, Erik couldn’t help but blush.

When they reached Giovanni’s quarters, Domino punched in the code to open the door. It slowly creaked opened, causing Erik to cover his ears. She pushed him inside, causing Erik to fall flat on his face.
“Is that how you enter my quarters?” a man shouted. Erik got up. Erik got a good glimpse of the man they called, Giovanni. Giovanni had brown hair and was wearing an orange suit. He had his faithful Pokemon; Persian, sleeping comfortably on his lap.
“I brought him, just like you asked.” Domino stated, bowing her head.
“Excellent! I knew I could count on you!” Giovanni replied. Domino then backed away to the door.
“What do you want from me?” Erik asked. Giovanni’s face grew dark.
“I received word from my Grunts in the field that the three other enemy teams, Team Aqua, Team Magma and Team Galactic are planning an epic assault on this building. I need all the strong Trainers to help stop these fools.” Giovanni stated.
“Why would I help you?” Erik asked.
“You want to be the best Trainer, right?” Giovanni asked.
“Uh…” Erik simply replied.
“I know you do, everyone does.” Giovanni replied.
“What about me?” Domino asked.
“Did I ask you to speak?” Giovanni said, crossly.
“No sir!” Domino replied.
“Now, where was I?” Giovanni began.
“You were telling me about wanting to be a strong Trainer.” Erik replied.
“This fancy little machine can help you.” Giovanni stated. A computer with the name ‘PokeSav’ appeared.
“You’re cheating?” Erik exclaimed.
“Cheating is such a strong word. I like to say ‘Artificially enhancing our Pokemon by illegal means’.” Giovanni replied.
“That’s cheating.” Erik said.
“It’s not cheating.” Giovanni replied, his voice getting louder. He drifted from the machine and grabbed a Team Rocket uniform slung over a chair.
“What’s that?” Erik asked.
“It’s the uniform the Elite Team Rocket agent wears. You know; the kind of uniform Domino wears.” Giovanni stated. Erik turned to Domino, who was waving at him.
“You mean I have to dress like that!?” Erik shouted.
“Hey!” Domino shouted back.
“No. This is the uniform the male Elite Agent would wear. Go put it on.” Giovanni stated, handing Erik the uniform.
“Domino, show him the male changing room.” Giovanni said, sitting back down.
“Yes sir. Right away sir.” Domino replied, grabbing Erik by the wrist.

She led Erik to the male changing room.
“Okay, get in there.” Domino stated, pointing at the door.
“Hmph.” Erik scoffed. Domino grabbed Erik by the shirt collar and pressed him against the wall.
“Don’t you dare to that to me again, got it?!” Domino shouted.
“Got it.” Erik replied. Domino let him go and went into the changing room.

“Hey, are you a new recruit?” a Grunt asked Erik when he entered the room.
“I guess so.” Erik replied, looking down at the uniform.
“Good. We need more recruits.” the Grunt replied, leaving the room.
“Get to work, worm!” Domino shouted.
“Yes, ma’am!” the Grunt replied.

After Erik got changed into the Elite Rocket uniform, he stepped out of the changing room. Domino started at him inventively.
“Hmm…I guess all good guys look good in black.” she thought to herself. She was blushing slightly, “No! I’m an Elite Rocket agent! I can’t show any signs of weakness!”
“So? How do I look?” Erik asked, turning around.
“But. He looks so good in black!” Domino thought to herself, blushing again, “No Domino! You can’t show any weakness!”
“You look fine!” Domino replied smiling, “But, I think the Boss would want to see you in the uniform, too.” She dragged Erik to Giovanni’s chambers again, punched in the code and led Erik inside.
“Here you go, Boss. He’s all decked out and ready for a mission!” Domino proclaimed.
“Excellent!” Giovanni stated, “Welcome to Team Rocket!” Giovanni stretched out his hand and Erik did his. Then, they shook each others hands.
“It’s kind of good to be here, sir.” Erik replied, bowing.
“You had a mission for me?” Domino asked approaching the desk.
“Yes, but I want you to take our new recruit with you.” Giovanni replied.
“WHAT!? I’ve been doing all my missions by myself! And now you want me to have a rookie tag along with me! It goes against my principles!” Domino replied.
“You dare mouth back to me!?” Giovanni shouted, slamming his fist on the table.
“No sir! I’ll take him just like you want!” Domino replied, chuckling slightly. A grin came across Giovanni’s face.
“This Pokemon, belongs to a certain Trainer named Ash Ketchum.” Giovanni stated, showing the two a picture of a Pikachu.
"A Pikachu?" Domino questioned.
“I battled that Pikachu before, and it’s a handful.” Erik said.
“You two are my best Elites on the team. Show him no mercy and take that Pikachu!” Giovanni replied.
“We won’t fail you, unlike those fools Jessie and James keep doing that time after time. We’ll get that Pikachu in our first try!” Domino proclaimed.
“Good. Now get moving!” Giovanni exclaimed.
“Yes sir!” both replied before leaving the quarters.

END CHAPTER 2!
 
ok well you have a good team but it seems to be garchomp weak so lets fix that

roserade should not have poison jab because that is a bad attack, you need something that is not a bad attack. try sleep power! its very good on lead. and

kingdra was using ice beam on the nidoqueen so i think it has no water attacks why?you should give it surf or hydro pump

TYPHLOSION NEED ERUPTION

fix those and dominos will be the champ in no time
 
Adding onto what PokeChamp had said, you're really lacking content. Only posting the bare necessities doesn't satisfy a reader because there's hardly anything to enjoy. Reading some with little depth is the same thing as eating a meal with one ingredient; you don't really enjoy it whatsoever.
 
I find this very bland and not really eye catching. I pretty much zoned out on the second chapter.I have to agree with Zyflair and Pokechamp on this one, not enough content and you just seem to be posing the bare necessities. Pokechamp is right on Domino, she seems too powerful and unbelievable. Really I think Domino is a Mary Sue, but that's just me. (I am not trying to be mean)

~NZ
 
To be honest chapter two isn't that much improved from chapter one. A lot of what I said still applies.

I saw you fixed most of your comma errors. While there are still a few left, for the most part you've greatly reduced the amount of grammatical errors.

However, I must point out a few things. For one, your usage of the semi-colon is down-right erroneous. A semi-colon's only usage is to link two or more sentences together. It is not to be used as a fancy-looking substitute for the more common grammatical symbol, the comma, as you have so exemplified in the latest chapter. Most writers can use the semi-colon correctly and frequently; others, however, are incapable of properly and effectively using it.

The semi-colon can be used to combine closely-related independent clauses not conjoined with a coordinating conjunction. Example: "A man chooses; a slave obeys."

It also serves for additional functions, such as combing independent clauses linked with a transitional phrase or a conjunctive adverb. Example: "I like to eat crocodiles; however, I don't like to be eaten by them."

The last use of the semi-colon is to combine terms in a series or listing containing internal punctuation, especially parenthetic commas, where the semicolons function as serial commas. Example: "Several fast food restaurants can be found in each of London, England; Paris, France; Dublin, Ireland; and Madrid, Spain."

If you can't understand that, I don't really know how to simplify it any more. I'm hoping you understand, but if you don't then perhaps someone else can explain it better. In any case, every semi-colon you have used needs to be replaced with a comma.

I also wish to point out that it is incorrect to use quotation marks to denote thoughts. When a character is thinking, it is standard to use italic text to denote that a character is thinking, therefore not confusing the reader between speech and the unspoken. If, for example, the main character, Erik, had thought, You suck Team Rocket. All of your Pokemon and underpowered and I could take you all easily with one hand tied behind my back, he would live to tell the tale. Had he said it out loud, or in other words, "You suck Team Rocket. All of your Pokemon and underpowered and I could take you all easily with one hand tied behind my back," he'd be dead right now. :p

For the next chapter, focus on content. If it isn't longer than both of your written chapters combined, odds are it lacks content. Also work on perfecting your grammar, mostly with what I have brought to your attention in this post.

In summary, you need:

-Better grammar
-More content

If you can successfully pull that off, I have no doubt you'll be able to write some amazing fanfiction. Good luck!
 
I'm currently having writers' block and I doubt I'll have any of the story up anytime soon. I might not be able to finish this story as I'm trying to figure out how Chapter 3 should go.
 
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