Writing Sequel to Yugioh 5D's. (My second fanfiction) Chapter 1 is up. ~looking for critiques!

shadoworganoid

"Crimson Dance, Yugetsu!"
Member
Okay, Im taking another attempt at a fanfiction.
No, its not a pokemon fan fic, its a Yugioh 5D's fic, but there are no rules as to what it is as long as it is apropriate. lol

I know its rough around the edges, but I guess thats why Im posting it here; For constructive help.

Without further ado:




Prologue

It’s been ten years since the events of the WRGP (World Riding Grand Prix) and Yliaster’s failed plan to re write history, and Neo Domino City had returned to normal. Having won the WRGP ten years ago, Team 5D’s not only saved Neo Domino city, but also became recognized as undoubtedly the strongest duel team in the world.
With the city in a state of peace daily life was fairly boring rather for most people.
However, not everyone was happy with boring normal life. Without anyone knowing about it, Neo Domino City would soon be thrown back into chaos with the fate of the city falling into the hands of Team 5D’s. Only this time, Team 5D’s will find themselves in need of new allies.



Chapter 1


I was standing on a platform overseeing a vast portion of Neo Domino Cities highway paying close attention to the scene below. A Riding Duel was in progress and this particular game was much more intriguing then most others. I look down as two duel runners zoom by. In the lead was a red duel runner with white trim and a large crescent shaped seat backing. The other was a black colored runner with orange colored wheel rims and large wings folded upward from the rear portion. I knew right away who I was watching; Yusei Fudo and Crow Hogan from Team 5D’s. They were obviously having a practice duel, but none then less it was a show worth watching.

….

“It’s my turn, draw! I’ll start off with my Angel Baton speed spell! So now because I have at least two speed counters, I can draw two more cards and then I have to discard one. I choose to discard my Quill bolt Hedgehog. Now I summon Junk Synchron to the field in attack mode! And now because I have Tuner monster on my field, Quill bolt Hedgehog is automatically special summoned to my field. And due to Junk Synchron’s special ability he can special summon a level 2 monster from my graveyard. I choose Speed Warrior! Now I play the speed spell Summon Speeder! As you can see, I have 5 speed counters so that’s more then enough to activate this cards effect. Now I can summon a level four or lower monster from my hand. Say hello to Debris Dragon. Now I’m tuning my level four Debris Dragon with my level two Speed Warrior and my level two Quill bolt Hedgehog! [4 + 2 + 2 = 8] Clustering wishes will become a new shining star! Become the path its light shines upon! Synchro Summon! Take flight, Stardust Dragon!”

Out of a burst of light, a large white dragon sparkling with a silver shine appears and lets out a roar.
So there it is, Yusei’s ace monster; Stardust Dragon.

(Stardust dragon: ATK: 2500, DEF: 2000)

“Alright Crow, here I come! Stardust Dragon, attack his Bora the Spear now! Shooting Sonic!”
(Bora the Spear: ATK: 1700)

I watch as Stardust dragon’s mouth shines with a silvery light and a beam of energy is released towards Crow’s blackwing monster. The attack seemed to hit successfully as Crow’s Life point counter went down by eight hundred points.
(Crow’s LP: 3200)
(Yusei’s LP: 4000)

“I’ll end my turn with a face down card.” Said Yusei as he places a card on his duel disk.

“It’s my turn then!” Shouts Crow as he draws a card form his deck.

“I’ll start things off with my Blackwing Sirocco the Dawn in attack mode! This monster can be normal summoned without a tribute because you have a monster and I don’t. And now because I have a blackwing on my field, I can special summon Blackwing Gale the Whirlwind from my hand! I’m also going to use the special ability of Gale the Whirlwind the cut Stardust Dragon’s attack power in half!”

(Stardust dragon: ATK: 2500 / 2 = 1250)

“Go Gale the Whirlwind! Attack Yusei’s Stardust Dragon now!”

The tiny bird monster launches its attack and runs smack into an odd metallic scarecrow.

“Sorry Crow, but you’ve triggered my trap! Scrap Iron Scarecrow! This negates your attack and is then re set on the field.”

“Fine then, Blackwing Sirocco the Dawn, attack Stardust Dragon too!”

“I activate my other trap, Power Frame! This ends the battle and my dragon gains attack points equal to the difference in our monsters strength. So my Stardust Dragon gains seven hundred and fifty more attack points. It looks like your attacks have failed Crow!”

Crow grins and reaches for a button on his runner, pressing it too.

“Not quite. Reveal trap card, Urgent Tuning!”

“Oh no!” Shouts Yusei, right away knowing he is in trouble.

“That’s right, this let’s me Synchro summon during the battle phase. So I’m tuning my level five Sirocco the Dawn with my level three Gale the Whirlwind! [5 + 3 = 8]
Darkened gales become the wings that soar from resolved hope! Synchro Summon! Soar, Black Feather Dragon!”
(ATK: 2800)
Out of another bright light, a large black-feathered dragon appears. Its wings look like blades with red outlining and its tail was similar to that of a bird tail, only it split into three long strands. Finally, its face resembled that of a birds, as its mouth was longer and narrower colored in a yellow shade resembling a beak.

“Black Feather Dragon, attack Stardust Dragon now! Nova Stream!”

An impressive beam of crimson red and black energy hits Yusei’s dragon and destroys it in a big explosion. Yusei’s life points drop by eight hundred down to three thousand two hundred, the same as Crow’s.

“Okay Yusei, I’ll end with a face down card.”


Well, Yusei and Crow are certainly putting up a good duel, just what I would expect from the former champions. It looks like Crow will win this one, but from what I’ve read about Yusei, he is known for his uncanny ability to bring about a reversal in the most desperate of situations.


Anxious for Yusei’s next turn, I wait in anticipation. However, my attention is drawn away from the duel though as I notice an odd light coming from far off in the satellite area. A strange sensation surges through my body telling me that it wasn’t just a fun lightshow. As if hypnotized by its faint glow, I stare out into that direct for a few moments. My attention is soon brought back into the world at the sound of a loud roar and a few screams.

What was that? I have a strange feeling about that...

I look back and find that the duel had moved on out of my view.

“Ah…. Damn. I wanted to see how it ended. I guess I should maybe see what that light was all about.” I say to myself and walk over to my dark red duel runner.
I was genuinely curious about that light; it had such an odd feeling to it.
I rev up my runner and accelerate into the street, leaving a wide tire mark on the ground from where I started. I close my eyes for a brief moment as I cruse down the highway towards the satellite. The exhilarating feel caused by the speed of my runner is what makes me feel relaxed and I can easily get lost in thought as I ride.
I open my eyes again as I approach the on ramp for the bridge to the satellite sector. I let off the throttle a little and look up at the darkening sky. Dark clouds were slowly forming overhead and the wind was picking up a bit. I look over to where I saw that light just in time to see a flash of lightning strike the same area.
In a matter of mere minutes, the weather had turned from a day of heavy overcast, to a thunderstorm.
I clear my mind for the moment and rev up the throttle and continue across the bridge.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

A tall man in a dark trench coat was standing next to an odd machine with three other men behind him. One of them motions to the other and he walks over to the tall man and is handed a card.

“Take this. Take this and use it if anyone or anything gets in your way.” The tall man turns to address the other two remaining men, his face hidden under a dark hood.

“You all have your assignments. Go and accomplish them. That will bring our goal another step closer to a reality.” He says as he starts to turn away from them again.

The other men bow slightly and walk away. Another flash of lightning overhead and it begins to rain. The man in the coat presses a few buttons on the machines control panel and grins to himself picking up a card of the machine. He puts the card in his deck holder and walks off as well leaving the small confined area to its junk piles and lonely feeling.

A few minutes later two duel runners pull up and the riders get off and remove their helmets.

“Yusei. Wasn’t this were that light came from…”

“…”

“It sure seemed like it Crow.” Yusei said while glancing around.

Crow sees the machine and walks over to and begins inspecting it closely and presses one of the buttons. The screen changes and Crow presses a few other buttons. A large file shows up on screen and Crow’s facial expression reads pure shock and he reaches to click on that file and open it.

“Hold it right there!” A voice from near by shouted boldly.

“Huh!?” Stammered Crow and he spins around. “Who’s there!”

The tall man with the trench coat walks out from behind a trash pile wearing a duel disk and holding a card in his hand.

“Yusei Fudo. Crow.” He begins. I know why you’re here, but unfortunately your beginning to poke your nose into were it doesn’t belong, and as a result of this I cannot let either of your leave here now.”

Yusei takes a step forward. “What are you talking about!? We came here after we saw a strange light coming from this area. And what do you mean we’ve seen too much?”

“Lets just leave it like this; I have a goal and it starts here. I wont let anyone get in my way. I also knew you would see that light and come racing here like little hero’s to investigate. Your reputation presides you and I do not want to deal with you later on.”

The man lifts his left arm to waist height and places the card he was holding on it.

“I summon the Man Eater Bug!”

A circle of light appears next to the man and a large ugly green bug with big front claws crawls out of it. The bug rears up on its hind legs and roars revealing its many rows of razor sharp teeth.

“What is that!?” Crow yells.

“Oh no! Is this man a psychic duelist!?”

“Very perceptive Yusei. Yes, I am. I posses immense psychic powers and abilities. I easily surpass Sayer; the former Arcadian Movement leader. And while my methods may vary from his, my goal is the same! Man Eater Bug, send Yusei and Crow into the afterlife!”

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<


As the rain starts to fall I lessen up on the throttle and reach for the lights on my runner.
I sense a powerful presence near by telling me I was close to that lights origin point.
I pull over off to the side of the road and get off my runner and look around hoping to see something that stands out.
Then right as was about to leave, I glance down and see the scene unfolding below me; it appeared to be a duel as a monster was present. The tall man I saw was not anyone I knew, but I look to the other side of the field and see Yusei and Crow without a duel disk.

“What the hell? What is going on there? How is there a monster on the field without a duel in progress…unless…Oh no!” I say in an almost panicked tone. I dismount my duel disk from my duel runner and draw the top card of my deck and place it on the duel disk.

“Appear now! I summon Felgrand Dragon!”

As I set the card on my duel disk, a larger portal of light appears above me and a large gold and gray dragon appears from the circle and hovers next to me.

The Man-eater bug below me leaps towards Yusei and Crow and at the same time my dragon launches itself toward it. Felgrand dragon drops out of sky and lands suddenly between Yusei and the man-eater bug. At the same time, it swings its large tail and repels the bug, slamming it into one of the junk piles where it disappears in a burst of light.

“What the!?” Shout all three of them together at the sudden appearance of my dragon.

“YUSEI! CROW! Are you guys alright!?” I shout from atop the highway.

“We are. But how did you-“ Yusei started to say.

“So Yusei, you have friends in high places! I will admit I didn’t anticipate this, so I will let you off easy this time.” He said and almost like magic, disappears. Moments after his vanishing act, the machine Crow was looking at beeps crazily and then explodes sending a wave of energy in all directions. Felgrand dragon extends it’s wing to protect Yusei and Crow from the shock wave.
I jump down and Felgrand Dragon catches me with its hand, breaking my fall and then disappears in a burst of light.

“Hello Yusei, Crow.” I say with a friendly wave.

“Yusei, do you know her?”

“No. I’ve never seen this girl before. Hey, thanks for helping us back there, but how did you know we were here? And also, you’re a psychic duelist too?”

“He speaks truth Crow. We have never met before. I was watching your duel a little while ago, a truly remarkable performance I might add, and I was soon distracted by a bright light coming from here so I went to check it out and here we are now. As to me being a psychic duelist, yes I am. But I don’t think that’s anything new to you.”

“You must be referring to our friend Akiza?” Yusei asks.

“Yes.” I reply.

“Well, I’m not sure what to make out of this encounter. A lot has happened in these past few minutes. I get the feeling there is more to you then your letting on, but I suppose I can at least offer you a ride back to your runner. After all, it’s a long walk to get back up there.” Yusei adds and motions to his runner.

I nod and walk over to it as he gets on and revs it up. I sit myself on the back of the seat and nod again when Yusei looks back to see if I’m ready to go. Yusei looks towards Crow who shrugs and takes off toward the highway. Yusei follows right after.


(End of chapter 1…)



Im in college right now so its a VERY slow process of completing chapters in a timely manner. But Im working on it.
 
I haven't really read it that deeply yet, so I'll follow-up after this post sometime later. But I have to say, what a short prologue you have there. The role of the prologue is indeed to set up the story, but when writers do so in the form of direct explanations, I do one of two things (rarely do I do both):
- Cringe
- Yawn
I understand that things need to be explained, but why do it like you're writing an academic textbook (the really boring kinds, mind you)? The best prologues are the kinds that are written as part of the story. Not only are they entertaining, this kind of prologue allows the reader to also guess the direction of the story through the style of the writing, while providing the needed background information (which I seriously need as I don't keep up with the anime).

Perhaps a rewrite of the prologue might be satisfactory when you have time? ^^"
~Zyflair
 
Oh I see what you mean I think.

My prologue is fine if you have seen the anime, but I forgot when writing it, that not everyone has.

I suppose for this then, I could maybe recap the last major events from the anime or get some basic details going with the "evil" of my fic.
 
Back
Top