Writing Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 3 is HERE

Kapu Riki

Kapu Riki

Spilling the T, sipping the Tapu Cocoa
Member
Preface: Hey, so this is my second attempt for my fanfic. I wrote one like a year ago, but never went on with following chapters. Hopefully this time, I will finish it off. This new novella is based of my first story, but changed with new prospectives. If you try to look for my last story, you prolly won't find it, since I deleted it.

This fanfic is called Shadow of the Colossus, and it is based on stories from Pokemon Colosseum and Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness, along with reference from the other Pokemon RPG games, so having background on that can help with this story. It is rated PG-13, because later on in the story, there are more mature themes of death, but nothing to vivid to be claimed Rated R.

So, please, read and enjoy my narrative. Let me know how to improve. And I am working on my second chapter, so hopefully I will not forget and leave everyone cut a dry! Thank you!

Shadow of the Colossus​

Table of Contents:
~ Chapter One: Ryder
~ Chapter Two: The Masters
~ Chapter Three: Rosalinda
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CHAPTER ONE: Ryder
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Hi, my name is Ryder and I’m your everyday guy.

“Reuniclus, Shadow Panic!” Screeeeeeeech

I like football, soccer, Pokémon battles, comics, music and video games.

“Golurk, Shadow Down!” Zzooooouuuuum

Yeah, my heart might be mechanically beating, and my right arm is partially robotic, but that’s nothing that has changed my life significantly. At least it has not in my perspective.

“Escavalier, Shadow Half!” Szzliiiinggg

And, yeah, some people call me heartless and emotionally deprived, but my Pokémon love me and they know I love them. That’s all I need.

“Reuniclus, Shadow Storm!” Whoooooooshh

I may use unconventional methods of battling, but they come at no risk of my Pokémon. They enjoy their strength and their power.

“Golurk, Shadow Break!” Burrkoooooom

Just because I don’t follow the boundaries of good and evil, doesn’t mean I am a bad person.

“Escavalier, Shadow End!” Kuhchiiiiiinnng

… Does it?

“Magmortor, Tangrowth and Electivire are unable to battle. The victory goes to Ryder of Pyrite Town!”

The crowd was silent; not a cheer, not a clap. The glamorous, crystal-lined stadium was still. Everyone stayed in awe. I clearly was not the one anyone wanted to win this tournament. But, that does not matter. I won and the prize money is mine. I can pay for the things I need and live slightly more comfortably. Hopefully, I can even polish my arm, and give my Pokémon the sufficient vitamins and supplements they need. Reuniclus needs his coat cleaned, Golurk needs its armor polished and Escavalier needs to be waxed and buffed. They deserve more than what I can offer them right now. But, all these rich people’s money can really help now.

As I left Realgam Tower with my rewards, everyone in the art museum-like hallway gave me dirty looks with jeers coming from all unforgiving mouths. “You ruthless hoodlum!” from one side, “Your Pokémon hate you for what you do!” from behind, and “Get out of this prestigious place now!” even in the face. It’s no matter. I can be hated all my life and it won’t bother me. It’s nothing new for me, seeing how it has happened all my life. I only know of one human being that has loved me unconditionally and that was my mom. She didn’t like that I came back to Orre after finding the most precious place in Mossdeep City, Hoenn, but she understands I have reasons for everything I do. Hoenn is a beautiful region, but Orre is where my heart is right now; or what’s left of it. I need to crack down what is happening here in Orre and stop what I believe is true.

So, I hopped onto my dirt bike and rode west to Pyrite Town. I felt the sandstorm hitting my tan skin and through my short dark hair. My goggles took the buffet of the sands and protected my red irratated, brown-eyes. I find it so strange from past readings that Pokémon live wildly in regions like Johto and Unova, but here, traveling through the routeless deserts of Orre, I see no Pokémon. But, as barren as it is here, I love it.

Pyrite Town is a nice, run down town full of “thieves” and “crooks” but they are just people making their everyday life. Duking keeps this place running and I respect the man for know what true crime is. And here in Pyrite Town, there rarely is that.

As I was riding through this rough town, I finally got cheers. “Champion Ryder! Congratulations on the victories! We knew you can do it!” And applause filled the streets. It was so great, it got me to smirk. I hope they don’t catch me blushing.

And as I was getting closer to home I heard something.

“Champion Ryder, would you place challenge us to a battle? We would be honored!” yelled Emok from across the road with her PokéBall raised in the air. Vant and Divel were standing next to her with their PokéBalls in their hands.

“Yes, ma’am. I’ll battle you. Three on one. My Pokémon are ready for another challenge,” I replied. And the battle began.

“Kingdra!” proclaimed Divel.

“Banette!” announced Vant.

“Crobat!” exclaimed Emok.

“Ready? Go Escavalier, Reuniclus and Golurk!” and my Pokémon came out, strong as ever. Their energy glowed with raw power, though there was a purple hint to it.

“Kingdra, Rain Dance! Make the waters flow as if it were from mighty Kyogre itself!” Then the waters poured enabling Kingdra to swim upright with no issue.

“Crobat, shroud the battle ground with a Haze as dark as Giratina!” and instantly, the area was dark and smokey.

“Banette, Forsight! Keep your eye on the targets like Arceus keeps an eye on us!” Banette looked focus and ready to charge.

“Ready? Go! Escavalier, get behind Golurk. Golurk, Shadow Wall!” As Escavalier found refuge near Golurk, Golurk punched the ground and the earth rose up, shrouded in a dark, shadowy aura and enclosed Golurk and Escavalier. “Now, Reuniclus, Shadow Panic!” Reuniclus’ eyes went dark and he began screeching sounds harsher than the screams of Ho-oh. Its raving caught the attention of Banette, Kingdra and Crobat, and then their senses were lost and began acting ravenous, attacking each other. Once Reuniclus calmed down, its eyes returned to normal and Escavalier and Golurk came out of their soundproof protection.

“Now, Reuniclus, Shadow Room!” Reuniclus began making a dark force-field that first came as a small bubble, which then surrounded the battle ground. Once the area was enclosed, the rain falling fell slower, each of Crobat’s wing flap was slower, and every movement of Escavalier and Golurk were that much quick; the speeds were inversed!

“Perfect, now Escavalier, Shadow Joust!” Escavalier’s arms became shrouded in a dusk energy and he flew in the air quicker than Deoxys in Speed mode. Escavalier stabbed Crobat and Kingdra with its twin arms with full force. They both fell to the ground.

“Shadow Quake, Golurk!” Golurk, with eerie fists, punched the ground, creating a fissure that spewed darkness and exploded on Banette, which fell unconscious. The grounds rattled like Groudon taking a few steps.

“The opponents’ Pokémon are unable to battle! Champion Ryder is the victor!” and the crowd began cheering in an uproar. The battle ground went back to normal and my Pokémon went to the opponents’ and helped them up.

I handed Vant, Divel and Emok Max Revives and berries to feed their Pokémon. “You three should try to create battle schemes that help each others’ Pokémon and not just your own. Work the energy between each Pokémon to help one another. But your Pokémon look strong.” And then I got back to my bike, calling my Pokémon, and rode off.

We made it to the northern section of Pyrite Town and make it to the huge chasm.

“Golurk, can you take me down there?” Golurk went on one knee, and I hopped onto its shoulder. Then he flew me down, with Escavalier and Reuniclus flew down beside us.

We went down through the dark, shadowed cave until there was a glow coming from below. The lights were coming from The Under, the miner’s city under Pyrite Town. This bright, underground city was my home; neon lights filled every street and the glamour of an once flourishing city slowly decays. My father was a miner here when I was a kid. He worked hard for what he gave my mother and I. He was one of the few lost in a tragic accident years ago, that made many inhabitants here return to the upper world of Orre or move to another region, including my mother and I. But, I was drawn back here and I got my old house. My house is located near The Under Colosseum and because of that, I always enjoyed watching Pokémon battles. Some of the best trainers battled here, like Venus. They used Shadow Pokémon too, but they were more brutal with them. Their hearts were sealed away. My Pokémon still know to love. More than I do, at times.

I hopped back onto my dirt bike, which Golurk carried in its hand, and I rode to my home. I parked my bike, took off my goggles and walked into my home. I removed my dirty clothing and threw them into the bin full of laundry as messy as they were. That desert sand can do damage. I go to the back room, where I have my gym. I worked out alone, as I usually spend my days. Even though my arm was blown off not too long ago in the Hoenn region, the parts that were still useable were integrated into the machine that takes its place. Every day, I improve my body physique to make sure I have no weakness.

After a workout and shower, I got back to my room and read these studies made by Ein and Lovrina about Shadow Pokémon. I saw their flaws in their techniques and was able to make my Pokémon successful Shadow Pokémon. If only they knew what they were doing wrong.

Reuniclus went to the bath and rested in the hot waters. Escavalier rested on the Lazy Boy couch. Golurk fell asleep in the back porch. I laid down and rested, reading Lovrina’s scripts, with the television on. Luckily, I had my Pokémon. If not, the loneliness would be maddening.

Bzzzzzz… Bzzzzzz… Bzzz

It was my phone, and I picked it up noticing it was a call from my mom’s phone. “Hey, momma! How’s it goi…”

“Ryder, baby,” my mom said desperately cutting me off, “I am in the Orre region. I need your help…” then a harsh feminine voice yelled something I couldn’t understand and I heard my mom scream. “I need you to come meet me south of Mt. Battle in the laboratory here…” she finished.

“Momma! What’s going on!? What’s happening? Tell me!” I yelled, jumping out of my bed. My Pokémon were startled and came to my room.

“Just be here soon. I love y…” and the phone was shut off.

“Momma!” I yelled back, not knowing if she could hear me or not.

I got my stuff, got on my bike and rode off, with my Pokémon following me.
- - - - - - - - -
{Chapter stats: ~3.75 pages / 1675+ Words}

So please comment and give me well thought critiques! Don't just tell me whether you liked it or not, but why.

Thank you!
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13]

I am pleased. I usually don't read fanfics here because the quality of them is generally hit-and-miss, but...I'm actually pretty happy when reading this.
First I'll correct the very few spelling mistakes I saw and then I'll move on to chapter evaluation.
"My goggles took the buffet of the sands and protected my red-brown eyes."
"Its raving caught the attention of Crobat, Kingdra and Banette,"
"Once Reuniclus calmed down, its eyes returned to normal..."
"They used Shadow Pokémon too, but they were more brutal with them. Their hearts were sealed away."
"I removed my dirty clothing and threw them into the bin full of laundry as messy as they were."

Now for chapter evaluation.
The chapter doesn't start with some elaborate description but actually kicks off right away with a protagonist introduction and what he's doing, plus what he stands for. Cutting to the chase is very good. I think the way you write your battle scenes is great as well; you don't go overboard with description but you don't lack description either, which is good. And you actually portray Ryder's Pokémon to be very real things, not just soulless soldiers, as one might think or assume. I like that too.

I think the only thing you're lacking is description of scenery. I don't know if that's intentional or whether you're leaving that up to the imagination, but all I know so far is that there are a lot of deserts in Orre, as well as a mining village under Pyrite, and a tournament being held in Realgam Tower. I know that my imagination can handle it from there, but for someone who is rather unfamiliar with the Colosseum universe (like myself), there's a fair bit of guesswork involved.

Overall I think your story is great and there's very little that actually needs improving on; keep up the good work!
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13]

Thank you very much for the critique! I edited the sections that were incorrect and added a few more discriptions of the scenery.

The "red, brown-eyes" was mean to be like red irratated eyes, which was edited in the story.

I tried to have the reader know the character Ryder as soon as possible and know where he comes from. And his Pokemon are part of who he is, especially later in the story. Seeing how they are Shadow Pokemon, and normally they are brutal and heartless Pokemon, there is a greater emphasis on what Ryder is trying to complete with them, and what he wants to complete in himself. And I was feeling like I was not detailing the Pokemon battles or writing them wrong, so I am glad to know I am doing them correctly.

Once again, thank you for the critique and hopefully I can apply it to my next chapter.
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13]

I very rarely visit the Writer's Corner, but I can safely say I certainty don't regret visiting after reading your story. Great description of characters, great kick-off to the plot, and special props for both the battle techniques and the use of the Orre Region! The shadow moves also got me curious, and we still have a lot to learn of Ryder. The only thing I'd like some more of is, as DNA said, some more description of the scenery. Other than that, its awesome! Please PM me or write on my profile when you finish Chapter 2 :D
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13]

The first Shadow Pokémon fan fic I've read here, and I must say, a very entertaining read. The way Ryder handles himself and his Pokémon is cool in its nature, yet how it draws hatred from others I am not certain. And why does he not have much of a heart left if some people actually care about him? He seems contradictory with himself, but that's what I like about main characters. Enigmas, the ones that you can't quite seem to figure out. You sir, have done a splendid job on that. The only part that could go more in detail is the scenery, but that's getting fairly trite now, huh? I'll leave it up to you.

Very nice job.
~AoH
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13]

Thank you guys very much for the support and I am glad y'all are enjoying my story!

I have finished Chapter 2, but it is kinda a transition chapter for what is to come. I hope what you have advised me is improved here! So, pardon for its shortness, but I hope it keeps y'all interested!

CHAPTER TWO: The Masters
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These desert sands could have been golf-ball sized stones, yet I would not feel them smash into my face; not even the tender skin on the scar under my right eye did make me flinch. I was set on getting my destination and not even Dialga, the mighty time keeper, could stop me.

I finally see the grand, majestic mountain of battle. It towered over the white clouds and the region of Orre with a red glow flaring from its peak and thick, black smoke running into the sky belonging to Rayquaza. I was to head south of this mountain to meet my mother in a laboratory. I have heard rumors of a laboratory being located in the middle of this grand desert of Orre, and being shut down by two “courageous heroes.” I believe their names were Wes and Michael. But, that is history. I must find this laboratory before my mother becomes nothing but that.

I ride for a good amount of time, circling around, trying to find this laboratory. I couldn’t find any hint of civilization, let alone life here. Nothing could be found.

BAAAMMM!

My precious bike flips into a crazy frenzy and I am hurled over into the unforgiving sand.

“Holy f… what was that?” as I picked myself up. I do hope the PokéBalls kept my Pokémon from harm.

There was a rock on its side, which I must have crashed into, causing me to flip. And then I noticed something interesting. The rock had a thick, iron thread attached to it, as if it were a switch. I looked over my shoulder, and there I noticed a single-floored, white building structure. There was not a single vehicle in front; just one large door on the face of the building. It, just like these deserts, seemed lifeless.

I turned back to the rock and brought it upright. I looked back and the laboratory vanished. I got up and kicked that rock back down. The laboratory appeared.

“Problem solved,” I whispered to myself.

My dirt bike seems fine; just dirty. I picked it up and moved it with me near the entrance. I set my iron-horse to the side, removing annoying sand off the handlebars.

“Escavalier! Ready? Go!” and I tossed the PokéBall into the air. Escavalier came out and stretched a bit. It posed itself, ready and prime.

“Escavalier, please, Shadow End that door and bring it down,” I asked. “Ready? Go!” And it did exactly that. Escavalier’s body became shrouded in a dark aura and it slammed against the great iron door. The door crumbled like a cookie dropped on the ground. “Thank you Escavalier. Rest up,” I told him, returning him to his PokéBall. It nodded before entering to his sanctuary.

As I proceeded into this building, I noticed all the machinery and scientific instruments. These items would have been things I would have envied to have earlier in my life for research; so many gadgets and gizmos. But, it felt dark and eerie in this white-washed laboratory. And not dark like I am used to. There was a more sinister feeling to it, almost lacking a soul. There were nothing on the walls, except for a white board I noticed that had complex equations and graphs. They were relating a Pokémon’s strength, chances of purification and the levels of Xenon and other various chemicals in the Pokémon. The math was all wrong and the combination of chemicals was all wrong, at least if what they are trying to do is have a zero percentage of purification.

I continued through the hallways, which were connected like a horrible maze. All the rooms seemed like the past one, except for one interesting room that had a refrigerator and kitchen. I couldn’t resist; I ate the slice of cake that was there.

“This place is too empty,” I spoke to myself.

“Well, how about I give you some company,” a raspy voice coming from behind said.

“Well, didn’t I speak too soon,” as I turned around and witnessed this odd looking man. He was wearing a white suit with, white gloves, white boots, a white cod piece and black clothing visible at his joints. He sported a white helmet with a dark-tinted lens, and a white bandana tied around his neck.

“That was my cake you ate back there,” he crowed, “and I would like it back. How ‘bout my Ursaring and Beartic bring it out of you?” Then, he released his beasts from their capsules.

“I would love to see you try. Golurk! Ready?” I tossed the PokéBall into the air. “Go!” and he was released. And without a hesitation, Golurk went on full force to the opponent’s Pokémon.

“Both of you, Giga Impact that rust bucket!” said the peon. Both Pokémon roared with glaring energy and charged at my charging Golurk. They both passed right through my Pokémon and crashed into the wall.

“You idiot. You clearly don’t know that my Golurk is a ghost-type Pokémon. Normal-type charges like that will do nothing.” I sneered at my opponent. “Poor Pokémon, stuck with an imbecile like you.”

“You dare mock Cipher like that?!” screamed the man. “Beastly Pokémon, Shadow Claw the enemy into shreds!” and both Pokémon went into action. But, these attacks weren’t of normal Pokémon I have seen. They, too, had a dark, shadowy aura to them. Their eyes glazed over in evil and the claws flickered in dusk. They charged at full force, like coordinated zombies.

“Golurk, Shadow Wall!” I pleaded. Golurk took aim and the ground, punched at full force, and enclosed himself in an eerie wall of earth. The Beartic and Ursaring clawed and slashed and smashed away at the fortress. But, they created not a single scratch or chip. Their effort led them to fatigue.

“Golurk, lets end their misery, ready? Go!” I said. “Shadow Quake!”

And with an explosion, the two Pokémon were thrown into the walls, destroying anything in their paths. What was once a white, spotless laboratory was now in ruins with these the opposing Pokémon unconscious, sprawled on the floor.

“The Masters were correct. You are strong,” said the peon. He turned around, walked in the nearest computer, imputed a code and turned back around. Behind him, a concealed elevator door opened. “Enter and go to the final, basement floor. They wait for you there, Ryder.”

Confused, I walked up to the elevator with Golurk following me.

“Who are you and these ‘Masters’? And what business do you want with me?”

Golurk tapped me on the shoulder, and I turned around. The man and the poor Pokémon disappeared.
- - - - - - - - -
{Chapter stats: ~2.33 pages / 1100+ Words}
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 2 is UP

Chapter stats stating that you've cleared the one-thousand word minimum aren't a requirement, but it's helpful for me that you've got them anyhow since I usually can't check length if I'm online via phone. Overall this looks fantastic, but I've only done a light read thus far. It has been a while since I've delved into any Shadow Pokemon fics (even my own knock-off of the genre Feral Twilight, which is still unfinished), so I'm a little excited to read this since I loved Colosseum and XD. ;)
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 2 is UP

Thanks for writing on my profile :3

Another great Chapter, RisuX! I noticed a bit more description in this chapter, but its still slightly lacking. However, again, other than that an absolutely amazing chapter. I love the detail of the battle, the really brings out the story. Keep on writing!
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 2 is UP

I liked Ch. 1, it was a nice introduction to the characters. Ch. 2, however, was much better. I don't usually enjoy stories where the main character is overpowered, so I do hope he's not an epic master of battling. True, he's the main character and we haven't seen many fights, but I hope he loses sometimes. It'll make the character feel more human.

I like where the plot is heading. It's mysterious and I want to know more. Good luck writing the rest of the chapters. I look forward to tuning in to this! :)
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 2 is UP

IT'S A GHOST

I know the chapter's short, but given where it's leading (cliffhanger is good), it really doesn't need to be. Much like before you did well, making the story flow quickly and not wasting too much time on small details. The only thing I can't figure out is how the building keeps appearing and disappearing instantaneously (shouldn't there be some sort of rumbling?) and what the building looks like on the outside. (On the inside I don't think it's all that important, but it wouldn't hurt to describe the room they were fighting in with all the details.)

Small bits:
These desert sands could have been golf-ball sized stones, yet I would not feel them smash into my face; even the tender skin on the scar under my right eye did make me flinch. <----shouldn't that be "not even the tender skin...made me flinch"?
I was set on getting my destination and not even Dialga, the mighty time keeper, could stop me.
It towered over the white clouds and the region of Orre with a red glow flaring from its peak and thick, black smoke running into the sky belonging to Rayquaza. <-----I thought it was Ho-Oh.

<3
 
RE: Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 2 is UP

Thank you, Lenny! :D Later, you will see how Ryder really has a huge struggle to overcome before doing what he wants to do. But I will, fer sure, make sure there are stronger opponents for him to conquer.

Also, thank you DNA. The building was protected by a forcefield making it invisible. When the trigger was pulled (the rock), the forcefield would disappear. I should try to make it more obvious for that. Also, I went with the Hoenn folklore that Rayquaza owns the skies, Like, Groudon owns the earth, Kyogre the seas and Rayquaza the skies. Haha.

Thank you all for the support and Chapter 3 is on the way!!
 
Shadow of the Colossus [PG-13] ~ Ch. 3

Okay guys, here is Chapter 3! Enjoy!

CHAPTER THREE: Rosalinda
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I don’t know which was worse: riding down the cramped, old elevator for a long while to who knows where, after crashing off my dirt bike, while momma is being held captive by these mysterious people called “The Masters” by this weird man who disappeared in an instant who want something I don’t know about from me, or the Justin Bieber music playing through the speakers.

As I was trying to keep my balance from each jerk and jitter from the elevator, the music stopped.

“Oh thank you,” I whispered.

Chzzzzck…. Shchzzzk…. Chzkk!

“Like, oh my Arceus! Like, you did not need to destroy the door and, like, the entire lab!” said this peppy, high pitch voice from the speakers. “We would have, like, let you in if you rang! Gosh!”

“Who are you!? Where’s my momma!?” I demanded.

“Oh, she’s fine,” the feminine voice flaunted. “Like, listen!” and then I heard my mom screaming for help…

Can you handle this?

I shook that off…

“Ryder! Help!” my mom screamed.

“Stop!!” I demanded, unable to listen to my momma in such pain.

“Hahaha. Oh my Arceus, aren’t you loud?” the voice taunted. “You’ll get your ‘momma’ back! Like, you just have to do what we want! Ha ha! But first, like, a challenge!”

“What? What do you mean ‘challenge’?” I shot back.

“Yeah! Ha ha! Okay, so when the door opens, like you get three minutes! What you have to do is like a battle royale! Try defeat all those in your way!” the voice said cheerfully. “Here’s an incentive! If you don’t finish in time, like, your mom’s precious, and very dull and grey hair, will be gone! Ha ha!”

“Don’t you lay another finger on her!” I commanded.

It’s getting hard…

And then the elevator jerked one final, harsh time.

“Like, ready? Go!” the voice cheered. And then elevator doors opened. The room was dark and hardly anything was visible, other than a huge screen right in front with a timer in grand red digits, and it was ticking.

Then I realized, a gang of Pokémon was charging at me. From what I could pick out in a split second were a Primeape, Poliwrath, Heracross, Breloom, Hariyama, Toxicroak, Mienshao, Sawk and Throh. This should be easy.

“Reuniclus! Ready? Go!” as I tossed my PokéBall forward. Reuniclus came out with great vigor and energy!

“Now, make this quick, buddy, Shadow Panic!” Reuniclus’ eyes went dark and blank, and he began making ravenous noises. He began spinning his arms rapidly, until he clapped his green, gelatinous hands together, creating a sonic boom. And with that clap, all the Pokémon flinched, trying to cover their ears; but their efforts were futile. The Pokémon went chaotic in their confusion. Each of them went berserker with flurries of kicks and punches in shadowy auras creating a mosh pit of pure mayhem. Then, in a blink of an eye, the Pokémon surrounded Reuniclus.

“Defend yourself, Reuniclus! Use Shadow Storm to get your space!” I instructed my faithful Cell Pokémon. Reuniclus began whipping up a shadowy, black and purple wind force between his extended, organelle arms. It grew enough to blow Sawk, Breloom, Heracross and Toxicroak away at full force, throwing them to walls that did not sound too far from the battle scene. The sound of broken electronics and sparks flying filled the room up. Reuniclus began concentrating the storm to hit the bigger Pokémon.

WHAACKK!

Mienshao came at full force to what seemed like a High Jump Kick, but demonized with shadows. Reuniclus was flung in my direction. I braced myself ready to catch him, but he stopped, mid-air, and charged back.

“Good job, Reuniclus! Now, ready to make this battle even? Shadow Mitosis!” This was a move I specially taught my Pokémon. Reuniclus became engulfed in a shadow covering his whole body. The shadowy blob began shifting around and becoming more erratic. Then, the center of Reuniclus began to pinch in and POP! Two shadow doppelgangers of Reuniclus appeared. And those two split, and those split, creating a shadow army of Reuniclus!

“Now, Shadow Storm!!” I declared. My Reuniclus and its doppelgangers whipped up the dark wind storms and shot them at the opposing Pokémon. Everyone was thrown around like ragdolls in a washing machine. They were all sprawled around the dark room, knocked out. The shadow clones disappeared.

I looked at the timer. Thirty seconds. Not too bad.

… Until Mienshao got back up.

But without a single command, Reuniclus went charging at Mienshao. Mienshao began throwing kicks and spins, while Reuniclus was punching and dodging. Then, their combat began radiating a shadowy aura. Their attacks grew more intense with each punch and kick. One mighty kick from Mienshao and one heavy punch from Reuniclus that collided caused an explosion of dark shadows.

0:03… 0:02… 0:01… 0:00

BRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The lights flashed on. The destruction was visible. All the Pokémon laid unconscious; all but Reuniclus.

Computer monitors were shattered. Glassware was reduced to shards. Tables were broken, unable to stand anymore. Papers were everywhere. The small room was a scene of pure destruction.

The big screen then turned on.

“Like, bravo! You completed your task!” said a familiar voice.

I looked up, and to my surprise, Lovrina was there. Her child-like face expressed a pure glee. Her ridiculously long, pink hair flowed downside her head in pigtails, slightly covering her white, mod-style dress. Her stance was as if the camera she was talking into was a puppy dog. The view zoomed out. On the floor, next to Lovrina’s high, white boots, was an image I never wanted to see. Momma was tied up like a savage beast and gagged. Tears flowed from her perfect, brilliant eyes. Her hair was messed up, in a way she would never permit to be seen. Her eyes yearned to salvation.

Take the backseat, already…

“Okay, I won your challenge! Now let my momma go!” I demanded.

“Like, whoa, Ryder! Me and Rosalinda are like barely getting to know each other!” Lovrina cheered. “Look, meet me and your momma, Rosalinda, in our Pokémon factory in like ten minutes, and I’ll tell you what you need to do for momma. ‘Kay? Ha ha!” And the screen turned into an image of the Orre map, with a blinking light indicating the location of the factory. I had to be there.

I frantically searched around the room for any way of getting out of the laboratory. The elevator door behind me was jammed and broken down. I ran around the room in circles until I noticed this green, glowing pad. I stepped on it, and all I remember is appearing on the outside of the laboratory, back in the desert.

With tears running down my eyes, I got on my dirt bike and booked it northeast of the laboratory, behind Mt. Battle, where the factory was located.

The trip seemed like a flash, but I found myself in front of a huge iron, pyramid with smoke coming out of pillars protruding from the walls. It was very grey and bleak, matching the sky and atmosphere surrounding the area. I ran down the metal promenade leading into the open entrance of the grand pyramid.

As I entered the room, I notice this familiar figure. There stood a top-heavy, buff man about the same height as me, with a wearing a sleeveless red shirt with black stripes, matching his pants. He wore brown work boots and a brown tool belt with a huge wrench in a loop. His eyes were covered with yellow sunglasses and his buzzed hair was covered by his headset. He was welding an apparatus until he noticed I walked it.

“Sk…” he began.

“Where is Lovrina! I am Ryder and I demand on seeing Lovrina!” I interrupted.

“Wait… Ryder? You don’t remember me?” he asked, looking confused. I only had blurred, vague memories of him, but at the moment I was more determined to find my mother than play Guess Who. “I am Gorigan.” When he said that name, something in my mind shuddered. “Anyways, Lovrina told me of someone coming to pay her a visit. I had no idea it would be you. What is your business here?”

“Lovrina has my mother and I demand her back!” I shouted.

“You know what? I don’t know why I asked, because I honestly don’t care,” he replied, annoyed. “Enter that elevator and head to the top floor. Lovrina is waiting there for you.”

I ran down the hall to the elevator. I felt his eyes follow me to the elevator and my mind shuddered more with a stronger vigor. I entered the elevator and didn’t look back.

As I reached to the top of the metal pyramid, I entered the solitary room on this top level.

“Like, finally, you’re here!” Lovrina taunted. “Took ya, like, ages!”

“Let my mother, go!” I demanded, once again.

“I will. Just one thing: we need your help,” she started. “You are, like, clearly a strong trainer, and seemed to master the art of Shadow Pokémon training, as feeble as your method is. We need help capturing and controlling a Pokémon for our XD002 experiment. Join us, I will like let Rosalinda go and I’ll give you more details on the mission later. ‘Kay?”

“I will never join a band of soulless minions in attempt to destroy a Pokémon’s inner existence!” I barked. “Let my mother go.”

“Well, like the only way you’re getting her back is by helping us. So pinky-promise me you’ll help and she’s like free,” she said happily. “It’s all on you…”

In a split-second, I decided to charge at full power to grab my momma. But, out of nowhere, Lovrina pulls out a pistol from her back pocket, aims and shoots my precious, innocent momma square back of the head.

BANNGG!

The area goes dark and I’m all alone staring at this mirror as it instantly shatters into many fragments. I’m sitting on a bed, sulking in the darkness.

It’s my turn now…
- - - - - - - - -
{Chapter stats: ~4.1 pages / 1650+ words}
 
I have to admit, that was a really cool chapter. I already hate Lovrina. The whole challenge was an interesting concept, but I think what you REALLY excel in are the cliffhangers. Especially the death of your mother. It was a good, emotional twist early in the story to get me hooked to the character's mission.

I look forward to more!
 
I couldn't help but laugh at the beginning. Wow...
"I don’t know which was worse: riding down the cramped, old elevator for a long while to who knows where, after crashing off my dirt bike, while momma is being held captive by these mysterious people called “The Masters” by this weird man who disappeared in an instant who want something I don’t know about from me, or the Justin Bieber music playing through the speakers."

T^h^i^s killed me. And I didn't know Pokémon had any tie-in to the real world. Eh...?

And when I tried to think who was talking over the speaker, all my senses pointed at Bieber. Narcissists playing their music in their elevators of their building doesn't seem too far-fetched. Lovrina, I forgot even existed.

Anyways, you did a great job as always. A few tense errors, but everything else is fine. Be looking for more.

~AoH
 
lolbieber

“Like, oh my Arceus! Like, you did not need to destroy the door and, like, the entire lab!” said this peppy, high pitch voice from the speaker.
What you have to do is like a battle royale!
From what I could pick out in a split second were a Primeape,
“Reuniclus! Ready? Go!” as I tossed my PokéBall forward. Reuniclus came out with vigor in his energy! <----Vigor and energy are synonyms, so what you want to do is say 'vigor and energy', 'brimming with vigor', or something different. I just gave you some suggestions for what to use.
It grew enough to blow Sawk, Breloom,
There stood a top-heavy, buff man
He was welding an apparatus until he noticed I walked in.
When he said that name, something in my mind shuddered.
I felt his eyes follow me to the elevator and my mind shuddered more with a stronger vigor.
As I reached to the top of the metal pyramid,
“You are, like, clearly a strong trainer, and seemed to master the art of Shadow Pokémon training, as feeble as your method is.
And in a split second, (or, "And at split-second speed")
I decided to charge at full power (or speed)


Yay pistols. This story just got real.

I actually like chapters that end like this, because you have absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. Something big has just happened, something life-shattering for the protagonist, but until the next chapter comes you don't have a clue what happens next. I love it.
Description's a bit low, but you're definitely getting better at it; just continue the way you've been going and you'll do fine. I'm surprised I caught so many grammar mistakes this time around, though - did you write this chapter late at night or something?
 
The bieber comment killed me.

I liked this chapter; you seemed to focus down on a bit more detail this time. And you used one of the most annoying characters in any of the pokemon games, so bonus points there. Again, awesome description of the battle scene. I can sort of see the plot forming here, but it's still keeping me guessing with the ending. Keep up the good work!
 
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