Writing Shark Wars (being re-written)

What improvements does my story need?

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Aoki

Chronically tired
Member
Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws


Rating: PG-13 for Moderate Violence, Somewhat Descriptive Graphic Scenes, Slight Swearing and Insulting
Genres: Thriller, Action, Fantasy, Fiction, Mystery
Dedicated to: Shark lovers, PokeBeach Members, My buddies who dragged me into a wonderful world of stories
Setting: The Oceans
Inspired by: Colorful ideas that appeared one after another one day..

About: A young tiger shark was left to die from his wounds one day in the distant, unknown oceans. A place where sharks lurk in the dark at night, lying in wait for the perfect moment to rip of your head. A place full of slippery fish and one mistake means you are someone else's food. When the young tiger is found and taken in by an elderly couple, he wakes up not remembering any recent events that happened in his life, what he was doing all alone in unfamiliar oceans, why he was injured and why he was left clinging on for his life. He is desperate for answers. But one day, the kindly couple that took him in mysteriously disappeared, leaving nothing but a bloody inscription on their cave wall that could mean the end of so many innocent sharks, including the elderly couple. A time limit has been put on him and the terrified young tiger is forced to choose: Go back to his Shiver, or come back and rescue the sharks and put an end to this madness. He now journeys across the oceans to find the answers to this cause, but danger lurks in every turn of his tail and a shocking truth awaits him.

Table of Contents
Part One: Uncertainty

Chapters:
I-A Dreadful Omen
II-Brittle Ice
III-Unchanging

I'll try and update this monthly from now on so bear with me.
 
Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws CH1

Chapter One: A Dreadful Omen

Warning
First chapter has some intense scenes when it goes right to the middle.

Chapter One: A Dreadful Omen


The pale, disc-shaped full moon cast it's weak silvery light down into the dark, rippling ocean, the dark waves curling up and crashing down again, forming white bubbles as it constantly repeats.
The eerie light broke away as it filtered down into the bone-shivering deep depths of the open ocean, forming a myriad of colors.
Humungous, broad and well-built reptiles, carrying scars attained many years ago by fierce, once formidable rivals, now their pride, slithered along the sandy seabed, each with a delicious meal.

Gliding along the seabed, an immense wall of rocks jutted upwards to the sky like fangs, with a narrow entrance in between as it lead to a large retreat.

Reptiles of all kinds settled and lived inside the huge circle of walls. From the smallest, agile swimmers to the humungous, bulky reptiles with jaws and fangs strong enough to crush rocks and skulls.
Three large hunters glided along the seafloor, sending a puff of sand erupting into the water like an underwater volcano as they swam by.

"Jawcrunch, Jawcrunch, look at me!" a young megalodon flexed his fins as he twisted around and around, bubbles streaming behind as he tackled the battle-scarred warrior, hitting his flank.

"Nice move!" the old warrior brushed the young megalodon's head with his fin.
" It stuns your opponent for a while, but open your jaws as well, so you can ram, paralyze and at the same time, bite your opponent."

"No, you look at me!" another deliberately rammed on her older brother, desperate to get his attention.

"Why you!" he snapped hotly, momentarily paralyzed before he rammed his sister back.

The swift megalodon shifted of to the side with ease and nipped her brother on the flank. "You're gonna have to do better than that!"

"Ah, youngsters!" the old megalodon was amused. "Always full of energy and never knowing what mischief they're up to!" Jawcrunch twisted around. "Kyro?"

"Machios," Jawcrunch brushed his tail on the agile hunter's flank.
"Have you seen him?" he spoke with a muffled voice

The swift hunter spun around, scanning the retreat for any sign of it, his large prey dangling from his jaws.
"No, I thought he was with us." Machios agreed, his coal-black eyes gleamed.

"Nevermind, maybe caught extra prey along the way." the battle-scarred warrior assured, doubt gnawing on his belly.

A loud noise came from the nursery.
"I'm hungry, Ma!" a young fin swished his tail in rapid strokes.
" When do I get to eat?"

" Hush, little one," a mother reptile patted her young one as she coiled tightly around him. "You will eat soon, my beloved."

Three broad, muscular hunters crawled through the water, flexing their powerful, immense fins as they rushed by inhabitants, making friendly gestures as they swam into the middle of the retreat.

"Welcome back!" a sleek, stunningly beautiful megalodon warmly welcomed, brushing past the gray flanks of the huge, three hunters, moonlight striking her glossy, gray hide.

The three muscular hunters gathered together in the middle of the shiver grounds, each taking their turn dropping their prey on the pile, their necks still dripping with blood.

"Those are impressive catches!" she praised the three hunters, her smooth hide glowed under the moonlight as she stroked through the water with swift fins around the impressive prey-pile. ``Well done.``

"Not as impressive as we expected it to be, Vasmine." a strong, well-built
tylosaurus remarked with a deep, sturdy voice.

" Why not?" Vasmine questioned curiously, her tail whisking briskly.
" Those whales you caught were plump, juicy ones."
"It's something to be thankful for."

"It's not that." the tylosaur cast it off, his abyss-black eyes gleamed.

"What then, Wolftail?"

Wolftail spun around abruptly, bubbles streaming behind as he circled the group. " The hunt took longer than it did the last high-sun." He replied briskly without looking back.

"How long, Wolftail?" Vasmine asked with a sturdy voice.

"We left the shiver grounds well before sunrise." Wolftail replied hastily with a steely voice, his black eyes unreadable. "We could have gotten back here by the time the sun is at it`s highest."

The sleek megalodon's black eyes gleamed like it did when she was curious.
She spun around hastily. "That`s odd.."

"You sure it was not the other shivers, poaching on our feeding grounds?."
Vasmine locked her gaze on them, eager for an answer.

"We patrolled the boundaries as well this sunbreak." Machios, the swift tylosaur replied. "No scent, no trace, no prey."

. "Did all you four--" Vasmine broke off abruptly.
"Where in Sparkle Blue is Kyro?"


The old battle-scarred megalodon twisted around.
"I don't see him!" Jawcrunch reported with a steely voice.

"Me neither. Where did he go?" an agile tylosaur turned around, scanning the shiver grounds for any sign of the other megalodon.
" I thought he was with us."

Wolftail spun away, bubbles streaming behind him as he snorted in disgust.
"Where had that old head gone off to now?"


************************************************



Moonlight struck the huge rocky wall with a pale, eerie light, lighting the dark corners of the cavern. Two immense rocks jutted upwards to the sky.

The sandy bed sent a puff of sand in the water as a huge tail smacked on it, the huge creature stroking his powerful fins as he glided across the seafloor and coming to a stop in side the large cavern, three times his size.

The old, battle-scarred megalodon whisked his tail briskly side to side, spinning around abruptly as he swam in tight circles.


What in Sparkle Blue are they trying to say! He flexed his fins as he spun around abruptly again, tail swishing in rapid motions as he gnashed his teeth together, annoyance gnawing away in his belly.
Impossible! No way to avoid it! The old warrior was exasperated and worn out at the thought. He bared his sharp teeth as it glistened under the moonlight.

This is the destiny of every dweller of the Big Blue. a menacing voice added.
The sand stirred beneath the old warrior as the voice spoke, sending cold ice rippling down his spine.

Impossible! I promised them a future away from harm and chaos! He shot back hotly, gnashing his teeth again.
The sand beneath him stirred again, sending a puff of sand into the water as his gills started to hurt immensely, his vision became hazy.

Nothing is absolute! the menacing voice wildly echoed in his ears, the old megalodon screeched wildly in pain as his head throbbed.
The Big Blue will vanish right before your eyes, Kyro! It shrieked savagely into his ears, only making his head throb more and him screaming outrageously in pain.

No, no! How could you do this to all! I trusted you! Kyro furiously shot back, icy pain clutched his whole body, temporarily paralyzing him.

The old warrior opened his eyes, his vision was still blurry, but the menacing voice shrieked abusively again, as a jagged bolt of lightning shot through his body.

Kyro thrashed frantically on the seabed, screeching wildly as the ferocious shadow approached him, gaping it`s jaws and engulfed him in complete darkness, draining the last of Kyro`s strength.

I`m not done with you just yet, Kyro..... Ferocious eyes gleamed in the darkness of his mind. Not just yet....

Nothing will ever be the same again for your little friends....


**************************************


"Where was he?" Vasmine demanded, her voice had an icy edge, her tail swishing rapidly as he circled Wolftail, Jawcrunch and Machios.

"That old codhole gets in trouble all the time!" Wolftail growled as he muttered under his breath, deep down though, he too was getting worried for Kyro.
"What did you say, Wolftail?" Vasmine turned around abruptly, locking Wolftail with her piercing gaze as it scorched his hide, making him vulnerable.

The tough old warrior held his head up high, confronting Vasmine as they were snout to snout.
"Nothing." he replied with a steely voice, his abyss-black eyes giving away no emotion.

"Good." The sleek megalodon narrowed her eyes as she spun away, which intimidated Machios, as she glided to a stop at the pre-pile.

"Where was the last time you saw him, Jawcrunch?" she asked without turning around, worried immensely.

"When we were just coming in into the shiver grounds." the old megalodon`s mighty voice cracked at those words.

This is odd.. It never takes him this long to get back... Vasmine gnashed her teeth together as she swam in tight circles, her brisk swishing of the tail giving away her anxiety.

"The three of you here, stay put. I`ll go and find him"
The three hunters nodded with approval as they watched her swim away.


I know just where he goes when he needs time to think.

*********************************************


Sands stirred as Vasmine glided by the seafloor, her beautiful, sleek gray hide glowed under the moonlight as she flexed her powerful fins and glided to a stop at the large cavern.

Memories flooded her as she stared at the large, rocky wall in front of her.
How funny it was Vasmine chuckled at the thought. Me and Kyro used to hide here from Jawcrunch when we were just pups, and he was just my age, from training classes.
I wonder if he still remembers that, our beloved mentor.

She stroked her way inside the cavern when something large bumped her snout.
Something large and alive.

Vasmine stared down at it, only coming to a full shock at the realization it was Kyro.

Shock immobilized her tail and movements, as she gazed at the awkward position of Kyro, lying on the seabed.

"Kyro! Kyro" Vasmine recovered from her shock as she frantically prodded her mate with her fins, hoping he will wake up.
"WHAT HAPPENED!!!!"

The old megalodon was breathing still, but had no response to Vasmine`s frantic prods.

"KYRO!!!!!"

"What happened?!" The three hunters immediately swam inside the cavern, shocked to see Kyro lying on the sand.

"He won`t wake up!"

"We better take him to the infirmary, right now!" Wolftail was shocked and bewildered that such thing could happen to the strong old leader.

********************************************



The scorching, hot sun dappled the rippling ocean, it`s peaceful light filtered through the shiver grounds as it roused Kyro from his sleep.
Pure adrenaline bolted Kyro awake, his eyes opened, and wildly screeched in pain as everyone in the shiver grounds directed their attention to the infirmary.

The healer struck Kyro`s dorsal fin and his flank, abruptly stopping his wild yells and his head dropped down heavily, asleep again.

"It's bad." the small creature tapped Kyro`s head. "Very bad."

"How bad?`" The four of them asked as their voices cracked with sorrow.

"I don`t know what the cause is, but whatever it was, it will put him in this state for a few sunrises."

Doesn`t matter anymore.... The sands stirred up into the water as the conversation mysteriously grew silent.
Wolftail, Machios, Vasmine and the small creature heard the voice.
Chills ran down their backs as it continued.

You think the future will be so promising, eh? the deadly voice mocked.
It won`t be so much now. The sands stirred into the water once more at the menacing omen.

The end will draw nigh... The cruel voice laughed as it faded away.

The end draws nigh....
 
RE: Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws

Ah, a newcomer. Welcome to the Writing Corner.

I noticed that you've added space formatting in your work, but there are some areas where paragraphs are stuck together without a line separating them. I suggest you go make that small fix. Second, rules around here require an installation of at least 1000 words (poems and the like excluded). Chapter one here runs just over 700. If you prefer to keep small chapters, then post a multitude of them at a time so long that every time you post chapters, the total is at least 1000 words. Lastly, why did you use a bigger font? It just makes the story look larger than it is, and leaves the reader difficulty to move through such large font. A normal size is much appreciated. ^_^"

Now we have the rules and regulations out of the way, onto the actual work itself. Decent language usage, so there's already my seal of approval (which just basically says that it's not bad). You do - however - have those bizarre spaces stuck in from of open quotation marks. It doesn't happen all the time, so I've no idea how it happened. I certainly didn't expect that you'd take on prehistoric times... with megalodons no less! As of now, all we have is something along a prophecy as they face a coming ice age. I'm interested in seeing where it goes from here.

If there's anything weak with your writing, it's mainly the lack of details, but I'll leave Apollo to deal with that. Wouldn't want to all of his work without asking!

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair
 
RE: Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws

After Zyflair's post, I really can't add on that much. I definitely approve of the language you use, it's fairly eloquent without being overly complicated. However, it is under the word limit, and it's a little obvious. It feels like the details are a little bit rushed. I like the idea behind the story, but it's most certainly lacking in detail. I also have issues with the pacing, but adding more detail and expanding on what you already have here should help slow down the story and make it feel less rushed.

I look forward to seeing more.
 
RE: Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws

The Fallen One said:
After Zyflair's post, I really can't add on that much. I definitely approve of the language you use, it's fairly eloquent without being overly complicated. However, it is under the word limit, and it's a little obvious. It feels like the details are a little bit rushed. I like the idea behind the story, but it's most certainly lacking in detail. I also have issues with the pacing, but adding more detail and expanding on what you already have here should help slow down the story and make it feel less rushed.

I look forward to seeing more.
What parts in the details can improve on?:D
 
RE: Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws

You have very little description when it comes to where your characters are, what they are, stuff like that. Kyro is clearly the leader, but it's not clear what he is leading. It may be clear what they are or where they are to you, but your reader might need a little help in that department. You could try adding details as to why Kyro is the leader. A good question to ask yourself while you're writing is "what do I want the reader to see?" Then describe it. It's not perfect, but it's a good starting point.

EDIT: Another way to help is describing the characters. You have a lot of names, but very little for the reader to go off of as to what these characters are like. Adding more personality and description to the characters can also go a long way.
 
RE: Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws

Much better. The only problem I'm seeing is that you're having a lot of weird punctuation stuff going on. Extra spaces, two single quotes instead of a double quote. I'm not sure why it's so, but that's what I see.
 
RE: Shark Wars- The Dark Jaws

Zyflair said:
Much better. The only problem I'm seeing is that you're having a lot of weird punctuation stuff going on. Extra spaces, two single quotes instead of a double quote. I'm not sure why it's so, but that's what I see.
When I was typing this early morning the other day, I accidentally pressed something on the keyboard that every time I press the quotation marks, it appears as that.
Even my question marks come out as "accented e"s.
 
RE: Shark Wars-The Dark Jaws(With poll)

Sneak Peek of the 2nd chapter! Finally! After a long hiatus!


The weak currents whisked past the corals, the greenie waving gracefully with the currents as a sharkkind emerged into the circle of thick corals, a myriad of colors twisting about as sunlight speared the waters.

Eager and watchful eyes glinted as the sharkkind approached the center of the gathering, his churning tail disturbing the dense silence that enveloped them.

A young bull shark broke the silence. "Why come?" he growled as he gaped his jaws in a yawn, flashing rows of razor-sharp teeth.
"Why choose sun-break?"

A massive tiger shark glared in a reprimanding manner, battle-scarred by countless battles in his youth. "Immature young flipper!" He growled hotly.
"There is a purpose behind the gathering! Pay attention and you might just get the meal of it, pup."

The obstinate bull gazed at the senior shark, narrowing his eyes.
"All of us were exhausted from the training we received yesterday." he retorted.
"And don't forget Harver died." He added icily, scorching the older shark's hide with his gaze.

"Only the strong will triumph." An immense great white lifted his head.
"The weak have no place here. Grief is the emotion of the weak," the great white's eyes bore on the young bull's. "They don't have the strength to shake it off. If you still fuss over that muck-sucker, feel free to leave."

The young bull threw the great white a venomous glance, baring his teeth as pure, boiling rage lapped at his insides.
"Harver was my best friend!" he screeched, his eyes turning into volcano rocks.
"And you killed him!" His voice cracked.

"It's not my problem he died from those wounds." the great white shot back coldly, eyes showing no emotion. "The match was a fight to the death, to see if he was worthy of the rank."

The young bull's anger and rage escalated more than ever it had in his life.
Before he could rush on the great white and tear his dorsal away, a massive tattooed tiger flung himself in the middle.

"Enough!" The tattooed tiger glared at the sharks balefully.
"This was not the purpose we are here, muck-heads!"

The young bull bared his teeth at his rival but spat nothing out.

The tattooed tiger neared and loomed over the great white. He narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth, slapping him vigorously on his snout with his tail, wincing at the stinging blow but was too disciplined to screech in pain.

The tiger scorched his hide with his gaze. "Don't let your arrogance get in the way, great white." He gritted his teeth as the bruised great white lowered his eyes. "You may be one of the high ranking warriors but that doesn't stop me from stripping you of the title. You may even end up as that poor flipper did."

The great white took the insult in silence, soothing his bruised ego while he backed away from the tiger shark.
"I'm sorry I offended you, My King." He apologized meekly.
"I will ensure it doesn't happen again."

"Make you sure it doesn't." The tiger snapped hotly before turning his back on him, churning his tail again at his snout.

I won't let the death of one shark affect it all! "My battle-brothers, it's time."
The tiger shark announced proudly to all the gathered sharks.

All gathered sharks cheered and roared in approval.

The massive, tattooed shark grinned in satisfaction.
Let vengeance begin!
 
RE: Shark Wars-The Dark Jaws

A tidbit of advice I could offer up right off the bat is trying to work on your general formatting. To me, it seems that there’s a lot of minor issues you could fix up with some quick editing to how you have things spaced, as well as some touch-up on your punctuation use.

Chapter One: An Omen

The pale, disc-shaped full moon cast it's weak silvery light down into the dark, rippling ocean, the dark waves curling up and crashing down again, forming white bubbles as it constantly repeats. The eerie light broke away as it filtered down into the bone-shivering deep depths of the open ocean, forming a myriad of colors. Humungous, broad and well-built reptiles, carrying scars attained many years ago by fierce, once formidable rivals, now their pride, slithered along the sandy seabed, each with a delicious meal.

For starters, you could move your chapter titles so that they’re on the same line as the number of the chapter you’re starting. This is just a personal preference of mine and mostly for appearance more than anything else, but I also find that it looks a little more professional (especially if you either bold or underline the title as well so it sticks out a little more from the actual narration than just adding extra lines of spacing).

Also, your paragraph structure is completely off with how you’ve currently got it formatted. Hitting the Enter key for every new sentence isn’t the way to go about it. You’re supposed to keep sentences together in the same paragraph and continue new ones on the same line, unless they automatically do it anyhow.

Something else I’d like to point out is that you seem to have a tendency to over use commas, especially in the third sentence. There are only three cases in which I limit my comma use to in fiction writing: listing related items, to separate the main sentence from an introductory phrase or into an ending that starts with a word such as “which,” or designating a transition where there would’ve been two sentences when you conjoin them with words such as “and,” “but,” etc. To me, the third sentence may have been better if it were written as follows…


example said:
Humungous, broad, and well-built reptiles that bared scars made by fierce rivals years ago slithered along the sandy seabed, each with a delicious meal in their mouths.

Granted, that’s probably not the best example. However, I’ve found that you have to keep your comma use in check, otherwise it harder for people to actually read through and you’re less likely to produce a coherent sentence (not to mention use commas incorrectly altogether).

Gliding along the seabed, an immense wall of rocks jutted upwards to the sky like fangs, with a narrow entrance in between as it lead to a large retreat.

Similar case here. The comma at the end throws me off because it seems to make it sound like there’s an entrance in the seabed and not the wall of rocks. Furthermore, you’re already using the word “with,” which basically signifies a transition and nullifies the need for a comma.

Reptiles of all kinds settled and lived inside the huge circle of walls, from the small agile swimmers to the humungous bulky reptiles with jaws strong enough to crush rocks and skulls. Three large hunters glided along the seafloor, sending a puff of sand erupting into the water like an underwater volcano as they swam by.

Just a small clarification here, but you may actually want to consider using the previous sentence as part of this paragraph since it actually coincides with this passage. Also, the bolded part could actually be added onto the one sentence with a comma (and possibly edited a little like I did) so it doesn’t stick out as a sentence fragment. You can get away with some sentence fragments in fiction writing, but I personally try to avoid them as much as possible since they just don’t always look good.

The swift hunter spun around, scanning the retreat for any sign of it, his large prey dangling from his jaws.

"No, I thought he was with us." Machios agreed, his coal-black eyes gleamed.

"Nevermind, maybe caught extra prey along the way." the battle-scarred warrior assured, doubt gnawing on his belly.

A loud noise came from the nursery.

"I'm hungry, Ma!" a young fin swished his tail in rapid strokes. "When do I get to eat?"

Dialogue’s got to have a consistent formatting, at least with the way I’ve learned to write it. Any time someone new speaks, you have to treat their statement as a new paragraph, even if the previous sentence of regular narration was part of a related topic. I know it sound nitpicky, but it’s true…

Consequently, I noticed you had a couple spots where dialogue was lumped together. That sort of offsets how I read it because I presumed you were doing a short passage where more than one character was speaking, but then thought that it may be lumped together because it’s the same character talking. Could you clarify that for me? If it’s the same character, write it out so that their dialogue’s all within the same line and not spread out in different dialogue quotes.


From there on out, the story seems to be set up somewhat jaggedly. I say this mostly because your descriptions of the characters, action scenes, and settings kind of leave things a little too vague to fully grasp what’s going on. That isn’t to say you should go back through and slather on thick paragraphs of overwhelming detail as to what everything looks like, but it would help to have a better visual than just references to ancient reptiles, sharks, fish, and other undersea life. For instance, rattling off species names like “megalodon,” “tylosaur,” etc. really don’t leave a deep impression (to me anyways, since I was never prone to fully memorizing what said creatures actually looked like… :/). Fact of the matter is, unless you’re actually describing their forms, you’re being too vague. This is especially problematic when you’re trying to work with them as characters, since you really have to define certain traits that set them apart from one another (again, I know from the beginning you mention how some are scare, some are sleek, and such, but to get a stronger impact you really have to talk about what individual characters look like specifically, not just how they differ from others of their own species…but then, I may just be rattling this off the top of my head since it’s the main thing I noticed).

All in all, though, those are really the main hurdles it seems like you need to overcome. Otherwise, the plot seems to be down pretty tight-pact. However, one thing that sort of bugs me is how quickly it seems to go through the motions of things and shift from one scene to another. It got a little hard to follow what was going on towards the end of Chapter One, since it seems to go from a peaceful scene with a bunch of dialogue into a string of passages where some sort of conflict is starting to emerge. To me, it usually helps to build up a strong background/backstory for your setting first and then slowly introduce a conflict from which to construct a plot. Even so, you seem to have your ideas laid out fairly well, so I’m looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

~Incinermyn
 
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