Writing Story: Aced

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Zorua

Zedd
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Here is my work of, well english. Im in 7th grade in case anyone cares:

Aced​


“Just SHUTUP”. A crowd has gathered. It seems like the whole cafeteria is circled around us. Chants like “Fight” and “Punch him already”, were flying left and right.
“Don’t talk to me like that” I yelled back.
“What’re you gonna do about it, huh?” Jake hollered back.
My temper sky-rocketed and got the best of me. I swung a left hook, straight to his face. My 5’6 height already had an advantage over him; he never really stood a chance. I was four inches taller than him, ever since we became friends in second grade. His body crumbled, falling to the ground, his twilight hair like a mop over his face.
.Mr. Johnson pushed his way through the crowd, to the sight of Jake, clutching his face with his pale white hands.
“Jake, Ace, my office, NOW. And somebody get that boy an Ice-Pak” yelled Mr. Johnson.
The car ride home from the principal’s office was the usual.
“How could you get suspended again, Ace? And because of a fight with Jake? What’s gotten into lately?” my mom hollered from the passenger seat, while my dad’s hand’s gripped the wheel so tight, his hands were beginning to blister. I remained silent, not wanting my big mouth and bad temper to screw things up even more. As we pulled into the driveway, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Instinctively, I jerked my head to see what it was, but there was nothing.
‘My eyes must be playing tricks on me’ I think to myself.
As we entered the house, I went up to my room, knowing the procedure like a trained puppy. I knew my parents were going to come up there soon enough to give me a lecture, I just didn’t know when, so to pass time, I watched T.V.


I woke up, spread out on my bed, with my clothes still on. I groggily glanced over at the clock, 12:30 AM it read. As I lay back down, I was startled by a loud noise. I jerked my head over to the origin of the noise. It was Bob Barker, barking at me from the T.V,
“Welcome to, THE PRICE IS RIGHT.”
‘Not now Barker, not now’ I thought.
I saw no reason to change the channel, or turn off the T.V, or even move for that matter. And so, I drifted back into a deep sleep.


The floor is cold. I’m wearing clothes and yet, it’s still an icy chill. Rocks, digging into me, through my shirt. I open my eyes, to a muddy grey sky. I’m not in my bed, not even my room. I bring my arm up to my eyes, and see it’s all right. I pinch myself, just to see it’s not a dream. I wearily get myself up on my feet. As I look around, the street seems gloomy. Houses are broken, piles of bricks upon piles of bricks. The trees are as thin as toothpicks, no leaves, just charred, skinny trunks. The asphalt has potholes the size of bookshelves.
‘These potholes’ remind of a place I’ve read about. What was it called? Shmaten Pieland, Taten Island? I know it was in New York, but I can’t be in New York, can it?
In the blink of an eye, something appeared out of the sky. I couldn’t make it out but it looked like some kind of flying creature. As the creature came closer, I could see that it was a Dragon. As the dragon landed, right in front of me, a man in a robe hopped off and approached me.
“Welcome to The Future. 25 years after your time. Population: 1, not including you. Just peachy isn’t it?” said the man.
“What is this?” I asked.
“I already told you, pay attention boy. 25 years, to the day, of The Event. What happened goes a little like this; The Event occurs, The Creator seeks vengeance, gathers a group of scientists, creates a Hydrogen bomb bigger than the size of a football field, and Voila, here we are”.
“What’s The Event” I asked once again.
“The Event is when some ignorant human made the fatal mistake of having an argument with The Creator, or Jake, or whatever you call him, that fate had not predicted, and he seeked out vengeance. And you are that ignorant human.”


“Wait, are you saying that this is my fault” I demanded.
“Yup. The souls of the Dead have demanded that I bring you here, show you what you’ve done, and make you fix it” he replied.
“The past can’t be changed, can it?”
“Oh yes it can. And you’ll be the one to do it.”
And as if almost on command, the dragon snickered, or at least it sounded like it did.
“Now Pithius, no need for that” said the man whilst patting the dragon on the head.
‘Pithius, huh. What an odd name for a dragon’
“Now hop on, we have lives to save” said the man, gesturing me towards Pithius.
“Wait, who are you?” I asked, the curiosity audible in my voice.
“I’m the Time Mage, but you can call me Bob”
As I flung my leg over the dragon, Bob mumbled something, and the dragon took off, into the muddy gray sky.


As we flew through the clouds, a portal appeared, right in front of us as if it was waiting. Bob shoved a mask into my chest and said, “Put it on if you want to breathe”. I pulled the string behind my head and shifted the mask into position on my face. Pithius flew into the portal and the world went black. At first, I thought I had suddenly gone blind, but then realized that the portal was a narrow and pitch black passageway. And as soon as we entered, we were already at the other end. The sudden light blinded me and it took me a minute or two to finally be able to see more than a few inches in front of me. We were flying over a busy and bustling port. The clothing was very strange to me. It seemed as if everyone was wearing the same trench coat and hat. Except for the fact that everything I could see was in Sepia.
“Hey Bob, what’s with the Sepia, and, where exactly are we” I asked as I removed the mask from my face and handed it back to Bob.
“Welcome to 1913. This is where our mission begins. Time travel isn’t exactly perfect which is why you see in Sepia”
“So, uh, why exactly are we here” I asked.
“To save the world, DUH. Pithius, land on that rooftop over there” said Bob as he pointed to a rooftop, that had no difference from any other rooftop.
“Won’t they see us?” I asked, hopping of Pithius and regaining my balance.
“Nope, we’re invisible as long as the portal stays open. That’s why we’re on a very tight schedule” replied Bob, as he pointed to a ripple in the air, which I assumed was the Portal.
I walked over to the edge of the roof to see what was down below, while Bob fed Pithius a carrot, which seemed to pop out of thin air. Bob walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said,
“You have to stop one of Jake’s ancestors from getting hit by a car, got it?”
“And how am I supposed to do tha-“just then Bob pushed me over the edge and I fell to my oncoming death. I landed on the hood of a car, rolled off the windshield, and fell on the concrete. The driver came out screaming, while all the people crossing the street ran to the other ends, in an attempt to not get caught up in any of the commotion. The fall, crash, and impact didn’t hurt at all, strangely. And right as I would’ve gotten up, Bob and Pithius came out of nowhere, and Bob pulled me up onto Pithius. Pithius took off into the sky, and headed straight through the portal. I felt light headed as we passed through the portal, and realized it was because I couldn’t breathe. I pounded on Bob’s back, hoping he would realize. He swiftly pulled put the mask and handed it to me. I strapped it onto my face, right before I would’ve passed out.


When we came out of the Portal, we were in a whole new environment. We were flying over a hot and sunny plain. Down below were miles upon miles of wheat fields.
“Where are we now” I asked Bob.
“Kansas, The Wheat Capitol of the world. 1954, to be exact” replied Bob.
“And what do we plan on doing here?” I asked, secretly hoping it doesn’t involve me getting hit by a car.
“Catch a bullet, that’s all” answered Bob, in a creepy, innocent tone.
“With what, may I ask?”
“Your body, what else?” he said.
“Why can’t it be something simple like, ‘eat a pie’, or ‘Pick up a dandelion and rip off all the petals’. NOO it just has to be get hit by a car and catch a bullet” I yelled, hoping to not be so nervous by ranting about these things.
“Who ever said saving the human race was easy? Now go grasshopper, save the world” he said, right as he threw me off of Pithius. As I fell to the ground, I thought I heard Bob chuckle, but then again, he isn’t the nicest time wizard around. My body hits the ground with a thump. I feel no pain once again, but I lost my breath on impact. As I catch my breath and lift myself up, I hear a man talking to himself over to my left. I turn around and eavesdrop, knowing he can’t see me.
“MWAHAHAHA. Now, it’s your turn to feel the pain. You may have decimated my popularity in high school, but I’m going to decimate your life. When I’m done, I better thank the guy at the gun shop who sold me this all too neat pistol. Prepare to feel the pain Chuck, feel the pain I felt.”
And with that, the man shot a bullet at a man over to my right, who I didn’t know was there, but as a result of me standing in-between them, the bullet went straight through me, not Chuck. I catch the bullet in my leg, and feel no pain once again. I look over at the man who shot the gun, but he wasn’t there anymore, just a ripple left in the air of where he was standing. I look over to my right to see if the other man was still there. He wasn’t there either, just a ripple in the air, the same as the other man. I look down at my leg to see it bleeding, but I couldn’t tell.


Bob swoops down on Pithius and picks me up onto the dragons back. Pithius takes off once again into the sky, while Bob pulls out a vial from one of the pockets in his robe. He takes the cork out and pours some of the thick green liquid where the bullet entered my body. The wound disappears right before my eyes.
‘Whoa, now that was cool’ I thought to myself.
“Hey Bob, what happened to the people after I got shot” I asked, as I fiddled with my fingers.
“They disappeared. You caused a ripple in the Time-Space- Continuum, so the future changed and it’s like those men where never there. Pretty neat isn’t it” replied Bob
“Yeah, I guess. So, are we almost done saving the world?” I asked.
“Almost, one last stop to go” he answered, as he handed me the mask. I strung it over my face and prepared to enter the pitch black portal.


As we exited the portal for the last time, we came out by a beach. Pithius landed on the roof of a restaurant and Bob and I hopped off.
“Alrighty, let’s get this over with. What do I have to do?” I asked, as I vigorously rubbed my hands together.
“Ok, here’s what you have to do: See that guy over there. No not the one with the taco, the one next to him. Yeah, he’s going to get hit with a baseball, be knocked out, taken to the ER, and get married to the nurse that save’s him. You have to stop that. Got it? Good, now go, young grasshopper, flee” said Bob as he once again, pushed me over the roof of the restaurant.
‘This has become routine, hasn’t it’ I thought to myself as I hit the ground, knocking the wind out of me. I get up and walk onto the beach to find the man Bob was pointing to. I find a man with a taco, assuming that’s the guy next to the once I’m supposed to save, so I go to the man on his right and push him into the sand. Suddenly, everything freezes. The wind stops, people freeze in midair, waves become lifeless. I feel a strong wind, whisk me backwards. Yet, I’m the only thing being pushed by this mysterious wind. The air picks me up and pulls me back up onto the roof of the building. Time starts to rewind, everything that happened in the last minute or so has never happened. When time starts to move again, Bob approaches me and says, “No, you pushed the wrong person. I fixed things but I can only do this a limited amount of times, got it?” He, once again shoved me over the edge, but this time my instincts kicked in and I landed on my feet. I strolled onto the beach looking for the same man with the taco, luckily I find him quickly. This time I push the man to his right, hoping that’s the right person I have to save. Yet once again, time comes to a stall, the magic wind whips me back to the roof, and Bob starts to lecture me, “Twice, really? Come on he’s right there!”
“Can you be any less specific as to who it is, there are plenty of people in that area” I yell back at Bob.
“He’s right THERE” he replies, stabbing the air with his finger. This time, I walk to the edge and jump off for myself. I was too angry to let him shove me off. I find the Taco-Man and this time shove the man behind him into the man with the taco, and with the power of the domino effect, I hit three people with one shove.
‘There, that should do it’ I think.
But yet again, the magical wind decides to bring me right back up to the roof.
“Oh my god! You know what, I’m done. Fate, destiny, screw this. I’ve had enough of your games” I yell to the sky. I hop of the building, walk down to the man with the Taco, pick up a large seashell, and smash it into the man, and everyone within three feet of him. Time continues, yet I’m still whisked away to the top of the building.
“Well, that’s one way to do it. I guess you’re done. You saved the future, but wait till you see how drastically you’ve changed your life. You can’t win. Fate and Destiny always win. Just wait and see” he says, in an angry tone. Bob snaps his fingers, and I am whisked away.
Ace’s life was changed forever. By his actions in the course of time, his whole life has changed. He no longer lives a life of the middle class. He is a son to the same parents, but they just so happen to be billionaires. Everything in his life is different, and to some extent, better. He doesn’t have his old friends by his side anymore, but that was the risk he took by saving the world. But one thing has the biggest impact on his new life.

Jake, was never born.
 
Let me again apologize for letting your story go unchecked for a while, Darkvoid. I honestly was meaning to get to it well before now, but my Internet time has been severely limited for several reasons: work, ongoing personal projects, but most of all my lack of home Internet access (I've been doing most of my Internet activities from a phone or Wi-fi hotspots, which is an extreme inconvience for me if I want to make any serious critiques). But, to cut down on a lot of the nitty-gritty issues I was originally going to crackdown on (and since I already lectured you on one major issue I was going to, punctuation which I should actually talk to you more about, I've decided to give you a quick rundown of the remaining concerns I have).

First off, I have to say that this story is pretty rushed compared to a lot of the fanfics you'll skim here. This isn't to say it's a total waste, but you just fell prey to a basic misconception even I once held (that being, people are going to visualize your setting and characters with bare-basic dialogue, description, and narration without having any real background or build to go off of...this is wrong, and I learned how much it was the hard way on Serebii.net's forums). Right in the beginning you describe a typical fight scene between two boys (Jake and Ace), yet beyond being able to imagine the five-and-a-half-foot (another note: you always write out numbers less than 100 unless they're important ones such as the time, the date, a model or series number, etc. and make sure you include written versions of words describing measurements like foot, inch, or pound when describing length, weight and other details as the symbols and abbreviations don't usually look good in written fiction unless you're describing things in a listed format such as the case with my Fakedex entries in Feral Twilight) silhouette of Ace getting ready to fight with a shorter one of a "twilight-haired" Jake. Description is really a huge deal for me, especially when you're using first person, since that's what starts building a thorough picture of what's going on. It's not a requirement to do this right from the beginning, but I find the earlier you start it (and the more vivid and specific you get with it), the quicker you can't get into other things such as important narration and more convincing dialogue.

Following from the opening sequence, I notice that you do make some better attempts at describing things. The description of Ace waking up in a post-apocalyptic city (presumably New York?) was still pretty vague along with his time-travels with "Bob" the Time Mage and his dragon. However, the time traveling back to stop Jake from being born, hence stopping "The Event" (just wondering: is that a quick reference to an NBC show that was on TV a while back? It's not an issue, but I'm usually not too fond of direct parodies and spoofs of shows that sounded bad to begin with). From my experience, time-travel is seldom used well, much less convincingly, so this would've been a struggle for anyone without it ultimately just being something comedical (Back to the Future, for instance was a good example of something involving time-travel/destiny-changing scenarios that was both slightly serious but a bit comedic, which would be a good way to treat stuff in the same category nowadays; otherwise, Stargate SG-1 did a few good episodes involving time-travel with decent drama, though both might be before your time since you said you were only in seventh grade). There are a few ways to make time-travel via magic convincing, such as instead of just saying Bob was sent by the souls of the dead to make Ace alter history, you could've added a little more of Bob's backstory or at least a quick reference to how he got his abilities and became the Time Mage (I know, it's just a short story, and there's not much room for a lot of backstories and elaborate insight unless the storyline itself is all just a backstory leading up to a current event, but you can still work a few small things in for stronger character build).

I apologize if this seems a bit rushed, but there's not much to say beyond what I already have (not beyond try and brush up on punctuation use a bit more, work on double spacing/editing, and perhaps better sentence variety). I hope this gives some insight as to what you should think about in other writings too.

~Apollo
 
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