Writing story of the moon and sun

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swain

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The Story of the Moon and Sun

By:batui4

Chapter One: How Luna and Sol were made.

One day in space the makers of life and death were thinking then they decided that they would make two all powerful beings to rule so they could sleep.The sun god Sol and the moon god Luna,so for days they worked and worked.Then after 1year of work it was done they had made the gods of the sun and moon.They gave them there task to watch over earth then the makers left to there chambers and went to sleep.The gods were doing as they were made,but they grew bored and decided to interfere with life and death,so the battle then begun.Sol god of the sun went to half the world while Luna did the same,but while they were doing that a even greater evil was lurking in the shadows the Niradaro.Sol with his army of the sun and Luna with the army of the night they battled.The sound woke the creators and they came down to see what was going on and saw the blood and the dead people along with Sol and Luna fighting each other.

"STOP! The creators",said "look what you have done all this people dead for what your entertainment that's it good bye to you both."

Sol and Luna were dead and they were gone.The creators left.When they got back to there chambers they wonder what to do not knowing that the Niradaro had no one to bother with so it could rule the world,so they decided they would make the weapons of life and death the Kisugama.In the end 20 different icons were made and put all over the world.When the creators got back they saw that the Niradaro had attacked they knew this was the end of them so they sent Sol and Luna's remains to earth hopping some one would revive them.

***

Ten years later

"I'm home from school mom.",said Kesho.

"Ok honey has was school?",said Mom.

"Boring like always.",said Kesho.

"Well wash up dinner is almost ready I have a friend coming over so be nice.",said Mom.

"Mom I'm going out for a bit.",said Kesho.

"Ok don't be late for supper.",said mom.

Meanwhile in the park an evil beast comes up out of the ground looking for food.

"Stop!",??? shouted.

The monster turned to look at her and said.
"A puny human you will be my first victim.Muwhahaha."laughed the monster.

??? then pulled out her Kisugama and started to fight the monster.

"Finally I have some time to think. Uh-oh look out!",screamed Kesho.
As he jumped and pushed the girl out of the way of the monster right when he was bringing his claw down to hit her.The monster then fled away silently,but not without leaving tracks behind him.

"Are you ok?".asked Kesho.

"I..I'm fine my name is Lunar,and what is yours?",asked Lunar.

"My name is Kesho Inuyaki!",proclaimed Kesho.

"Well I need to be getting on my way bye.",said Lunar.

"Wait where are you going?",shouted Kesho.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that sorry,but take this.",said Lunar.

Lunar throws a disc with a icon on it

"Take good care of it.",said Lunar.

After she threw him the icon she turns and leaves quickly.

"That girl is weird and this icon she gave me I've seen it before but where?",Kesho said.

Kesho starts to walk back to his house quietly.

Kesho woke up in the middle of the night feeling uneasy.

"I feel strange like there's something coming.",Kesho softly said.

He looked out side and saw a monster attacking the town with its claws and fangs and Lunar fighting it.

"I must go help her but how?,Kesho said "the icon of course I'll use it it seems to be some sort of magic!"

Kesho rushes outside and tries to use the icon,but nothing happens.

"How pitiful the little boy thanks he can use a Kisugama.",laughed the monster.

"A Kisugama so that's what it is.",said Kesho.

"Of course it is and after I finish this girl off I'll kill you next!"shouted the monster.

"I wont let you light sword strike.",said ???

a giant sword of light went straight threw the monster and killed it.

"Lunar how dare you take this long and now a kid has seen it now his in danger!",shouted ???.

"I'm sorry Riamkun I didn't mean to take this long,and this boy has a icon so hes one of us.",said Lunar.

"If he is we'll take him with us then lets go!",shouted Riamkun

"Is he your dad Lunar?",asked Kesho

"No hes not hes the chief.",answered Lunar.

"Chief chief of what?",questioned Kesho

"I'm the chief of the K.R.A. also known as the Kisugama Response Agency.",Riamkun answered.

"The K.R.A. why am I here?",questioned Kesho.

"Because Lunar said that she thinks you are the reincarnation of Sol the sun god.",answered Riamkun.

"The sun god Sol you got to be kidding me!",exclamied Kesho.

"See I told you he wouldn't believe you",nagged Lunar.

"Be quiet! Lunar take him with us back to base!",shouted Riamkun.

"Fine hold your horses.Come with me Kesho",said Lunar.

"Why should I just cause you think I'm the sun god what about my family?",questioned Kesho.

"I'll handle them",said Riamkun "Go on and get him out of here."

"Lets go now!",shouted Lunar.

"Fine Fine Fine I'll go with you.",grumbled Kesho.

The two walk off and Riamkun heads to Kesho's house.

Ding dong dong ding.

"Coming."Yelled Kesho's mother.

"I'm afraid its time for Kesho to go. You've done your job guarding him, but now its time for us to take him and train him."said Riamkun

"Oh I knew this day would come ,but not so quickly."answered Kesho's mother.

"Well with that I'll be off."Riamkun siad as he tipped his hat and left.

"Wait!",yelled Kesho's mother.

"Yes?",Riamkun answered. As he turned around.

"Promise me that you wont give him any dangerous tasks",Kesho's mother asked.

"I'm afraid I can't answer that only the boss can.If that's all I'll take my leave."

Mean while back at the K.R.A's base.

"Where are we?"Kesho asked.

"This my friend is where we'll be living for the rest of our lives."Lunar responded.

"What why?"questioned Kesho.

"I already told you for the 10th time your the reincarnation of Sol the sun god, so therefore you must work here where we'll train you to master your power."answered Lunar


"Power?Does that have anything to do with that Kisugama you gave me?"questioned Kesho.


"Why yes it does.In fact training starts Monday get some sleep its going to be a long day tomorrow."
Lunar said as she went to her bedroom and shut the door.



if its to short tell me and i can add in chapter 2 to chapter one. thanks mods.
 
The story concept is cool. The writing could improve. The main thing you should do is read over everything before you post. There were simple grammar mistakes that could easily be fixed if read over.

came down ot see what was going on,and saw

"See I told you he wouldn't believe you.",nagged Lunar.

There is a lot of simple stuff like these that can easily be fixed. Some sentences sound rushed or are simply written in a weird order.

"Finally I have some time to think uh-oh look out!",screamed Kesho as he jumped and pushed the girl out of the way of the monster and the monster fled.

For this, the First sentence should be split up, making 'uh-oh' a exclamatory statement. The monster is also kind of random. Add some description to lead up dramatically to its attack. Add adjectives and adverbs. How did it attack? Did it flee quickly? silently?

Like I said, I think if you read over everything and edited it, the writing will be just as good as the unique story. I will be waiting for Chapter 2, keep up the good work!

The length should be fine.
 
Characters should do their text like: Ex: John started walking home. not *Starts walking home* It erases character effect and it doesn't help the plot. I would suggest that you change that.
 
Yikes! Well, there's not much I can really say except go back, proofread, and revise like Dark Sonic J and Safariblade said. I'll give you several days to both make remedial edits based on what they suggested and get the next chapter up if you want. If I don't see significant improvements by your next update, I'm going to have to close this.~Apollo
 
I think i got it fixed but since I'm new to this whole writing thing i don't get what was wrong with the "See I told you he wouldn't believe you.",nagged Lunar. sentence so I tried to fix it the way I thought it should tell me if I didn't.
 
In quotations followed by the dialogue verbs, you're supposed to replace the period with a comma before the last quote-mark, never after and with a period beforehand. Your usage of punctuations like those in general was atrocious too! It's something we shouldn't have to lecture you on. Look up how you're supposed to use them properly, and revise accordingly. It's not that hard to do.

Edit: on further analysis, I've decided you really have to work on better English mechanics in general, usage of more standard English in particular (don't use verbs before names when describing how your characters talk after they're done speaking. That's considered passive language and sounds very unprofessional when you're trying to portray and active scenario).

*locked*
 
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