Writing Sturtle the Squirtle(Dead until further notice)

[sturtle]

Hello,

This is my first story. I have written a Prologue and a first Chapter, with the hopes of creating more. Some people have questioned my writing abilities...(*Cough* Crystal Hikara! *Cough Cough*) So I am trying to prove my worth. So here it is, Sturtle the Squirtle:




Sturtle the Squirtle
By sturtle

Prologue:

One day, in the region of Kanto, a lonely Squirtle walked along a desolate road. He kicked a small can of Pokécola as he thought about the life he had left behind. Every step he took, reminded him of his life that started with a Trainer named Joey…

Chapter 1: The beginning of Sturtle the Squirtle…

Squirtle was sitting quietly, as many trainers examined him. Squirtle felt slightly awkward, as he had never had so much attention before. Soon, trainers started choosing Pokemon, and Squirtle got excited. Squirtle had been quite lonely the last few days, but he knew that a trainer would soon be his friend. The first trainer chose Bulbasaur, but Squirtle wasn’t upset. He knew there were other trainers. The next trainer chose Charmander, and Squirtle got worried. As more and more trainers chose Bulbasaur and Charmander, Squirtle started losing all hope. When all the trainers left, Squirtle started to slowly cry. But his crying was short lived, as a young trainer of 10 years old came running in late, as he slept in. His name was Ash, I mean Joey! Squirtle perked up, and started feeling better. As Joey went to pick a Pokemon, he looked at Squirtle. Squirtle looked at him. Joey asked Professor Oak,

“Are there any other Pokemon?”

“No, Joey, just this Squirtle”

Squirtle felt insulted. As Joey sighed and chose Squirtle, Squirtle wasn’t sure he wanted to be Joey’s partner. He was no one last choice, he thought, and got angry. He bit Joey’s leg, and Joey screamed:

“Oww! You stupid turtle! Hey… that’s what I’ll name you! Stupid …Turtle… Sturtle!”

Well, Squirtle felt even more insulted. But a trainer is a trainer, and Sturtle the Squirtle let it go. So Joey and Sturtle set off on their journey. As Joey walked along with Sturtle, he said:

“Wow, you sure are a little Squirtle. Feisty, too.”

Sturtle was a small Squirtle, yes. He shell was still soft, and his tail was very small for his age, considering he was 5 years old.

“Maybe that’s why no one chose me…” thought Sturtle, “ Hey, that’s really rude! I’m a darn good Squirtle, regardless of my size!” Sturtle was defensive the rest of the day, to Joey’s dismay.

As they progressed through Route 1, they ran into a Pidgey. Joey wanted battle experience, as did Sturtle. Sturtle wanted to show off his moves, and prove to Joey his battling skills. As Joey sent Sturtle into battle, the air became tense. Joey commanded Squirtle to use water gun, which Sturtle hadn’t learned yet. All Sturtle could do was stand there, waiting for a new command.

“Come on, you stupid turtle! Use Water gun!” Yelled Joey.

Sturtle stood there, ignoring his trainer’s insults and commands. Before long, Squirtle decided to battle himself, and ignore Joey. So he ran at the Pidgey, who was just standing there, and used tackle. He landed direct contact, and knocked the Pidgey down. The Pidgey didn’t take this kindly, and dived at Sturtle. Just before Pidgey hit Sturtle he dodged the attack and countered with a Tail Whip, which hit Pidgey in the bum. This made him lose control. Pidgey hit Joey, who had given up controlling Squirtle. The two fell over, and both fell unconscious. Sturtle looked in Joey’s pockets, and found a Pokeball. He threw it at Pidgey, who didn’t resist. As the Pokeball stood still, Joey woke up. He saw the Pokeball, and shouted:

“Yes! I caught my first Pokemon!”

Sturtle wasn’t happy about this. Sturtle knew he had battled and caught Pidgey on his own, but Joey didn’t care. He bit Joey in the leg, at which Joey screamed in pain. Squirtle tried to get Joey to understand, but Joey didn’t budge, Joey continued bragging about his first capture, at which Sturtle thought:

“Man, how did I get stuck with this loser? I wish I could leave.”

But he couldn’t. Joey kept him in a Pokeball at all times, and only used Pidgey. Joey won many battles with Pidgey, and Pidgey kept getting stronger. Sturtle sat in his Pokeball, yearning for a battle. Soon, Joey caught a Rattata, and started training it. Joey became very powerful, while Sturtle remained at Level 5. As Joey entered Viridian City, Sturtle had lost all hope. Joey now had 5 other Pokemon, and they were all very powerful. While Joey was at the Pokemon Center, he left his Pokemon with Nurse Joy. As Nurse Joy opened Sturtle's Pokeball, she saw Sturtle with a sad and lonely look on his face. Nurse Joy asked:

“Are you okay, little guy? You look sad.”
Sturtle nodded slowly, and let a few tears run down his face. Nurse Joy gave him a comforting look, and went to find Joey. As she saw Joey waiting for his Pokemon, she started yelling at him.

“Do you even care about your Squirtle? He’s very sad, and needs attention.”

“No. Are my Pokemon healed yet?” Joey replied in a harsh tone.

“Well, you are a basket case, then. You’re Pokemon will be ready in a minute, loser.” Nurse Joy replied, with more than a hint of attitude in her voice.

Nurse Joy spent time with Sturtle, playing with him, and caring for him. Sturtle appreciated this very much, and didn’t want to leave Nurse Joy’s caring attitude. As Nurse Joy gave Joey his fully-healed Pokemon back, she left him with a final remark:

“I hope you realize that your Squirtle is a great Pokemon, and he’s too good for you.”

“Fine then, you can have him. He’s a sucky Pokemon anyway.” Joey said, as he chucked Sturtle’s Pokeball at her.

Now Sturtle was fine with this, as he hated Joey anyway. Still, Sturtle was sad that his trainer had abandoned him. But Nurse Joy was quick to hug Sturtle, and fed him some food. Sturtle spent a month with Nurse Joy, and enjoyed the care he got. He made friends with Chansey, and started to settle in to the Pokemon Center. But as time went by, Sturtle longed for an adventure. His shell had hardened, and his tail was longer. He was ready for a challenge.

The more time he spent at the Pokemon Center, the more bored he got. One night, as he looked out a window, he saw some wild Spearow. He imagined himself as a Wild Pokemon, and the freedom that came with it. That night, he decided to run away, and live life as a wild Pokemon. So he gathered some food, and set out in the middle of the night.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


How this for a first chapter? Let me know your thoughts, and help me improve my writing skills. I really want to succeed, and prove to all that I can write. Help me out!

 

[Zyflair]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Some eople have questioned my writing abilities...(*Cough* Crystal Hikara! *Cough Cough*)

You're sure proving her wrong! ^_^

A couple quick things I noticed about your fanfic by a quick read. Very first thing is that you write the dialogue first, then the person who said it. Doing it the other way around shuts the reader done as they want to get to the good content and then have it clarified.

Second part is that you definitely need go through the story very fast. Try to slow down with more description and take your time with it.

I'll stop for now and leave the filed wide open for others to critique on.

 

[sturtle]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Thanks, that really means a lot.

The critique was also helpful. Dialogue first, the the person who said it... Got it!

 

[Incinermyn]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

It's a start, but fairly good for a first-time fic. Personally, I'd have done more for the prologue, as I find a strong vivid intro leaves a better impression on the readers (and basically tell any 'would-be' critics that you mean business). But, that's just my opinion...

Really, this strikes me more as a comedy more than something overly serious (but I mean that in a good way because I love comedies). There just this 'kiddy' feel to it (perhaps because it's taken from the perspective of one of the Kanto starters) that just makes me want to read more. I love it! Keep it up!

 

[sturtle]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

It's a start, but fairly good for a first-time fic. Personally, I'd have done more for the prologue, as I find a strong vivid intro leaves a better impression on the readers (and basically tell any 'would-be' critics that you mean business). But, that's just my opinion...

Really, this strikes me more as a comedy more than something overly serious (but I mean that in a good way because I love comedies). There just this 'kiddy' feel to it (perhaps because it's taken from the perspective of one of the Kanto starters) that just makes me want to read more. I love it! Keep it up!

Thanks! It's has it's funny moments(Lol, I love Nurse Joy!) but it's a story of adventure. More comedy is sure to follow!

Next Chapter is all about Sturtle's journey, and what he plans to do. Stay tuned!

 

[Crystal Hikara]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Ahem, to quote Zyflair...HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!

May I first say that satire is true bliss? Because, truly, honestly, it is.

Regardless, I do think you have proven you can at least read the rules. It's somewhat refreshing to see someone that double-spaces their lines out a bit. However, this is generally as far as I will 'praise' this story.

*cracks knuckles*

First of all, we have the prologue. It isn't even so much a prologue as a single, small paragraph. You would be much better axing out the prologue all together and starting the chapter with it. A prologue is more of a string of events that help set the scene, perhaps also beginning the plot, not an introduction. What you have here is more or less an introduction.

I'll take this time to just breeze over the plot of chapter 1. It's obvious that it's somewhat of a cliche, boring journey fic knock-off at this point, the single twist being that the stupid Squirtle (and I quote) ends up going off on his own. I can see that Sturtle will be going off on his own now, so he'll probably be following a somewhat cliche path of running around in the wild, trying to survive. At this point, it seems to be going down the road of some sort of makeshift-PMD fic, where the Pokemon is off on its own. Needless to say, the plot, as it stands, is not all that original and a touch boring as it stands right now. I highly suggest taking this down a different path if you're serious on continuing this.

Now, the biggest issue I've had thus far with the story is that it is peppered with grammar mistakes throughout like the moon is with craters. Seriously, there are errors all over this story. I will quote most of the more noticeable ones I could find for you.

As more and more trainers chose Bulbasaur and Charmander, Squirtle started losing all hope.

Shouldn't that just be two trainers choosing Bulbasaur and Charmander, if you're going by the anime's/game's standards. Either way, you make it seem like he's the only sturtle out of an entire batch of Bulbasaur and Charmander. You may want to clarify this bit.

But his crying was short lived, as a young trainer of ten years old came running in late, as he slept in.

Could this be any more cliche? Also, rid yourself of any and all numbers in writing; it really breaks up the flow of things.

His name was Ash, I mean Joey!

I hope you realize the big flaring error here. You've automatically dubbed this a comedy parody now, given how it is unacceptable to break the fourth wall otherwise. Breaking the fourth wall is when you directly make a reference to the reader. This is most certainly a case of it, given how you broke out of third person to transfer to first. This is a sacred rule to break, so I either suggest making the rest of this more comical to match the nature of this joke or rid yourself of it altogether, as right now it sticks out like a sore thumb.

Joey asked Professor Oak, “Are there any other Pokemon?”

Always, always, ALWAYS have dialogue immediately following the comma. No enter. Do not do it.

“No, Joey, just this Squirtle.”

Missing a period.

He was no one's last choice, he thought, and got angry.

Corrections in red; you lack the possessive apostrophe needed on no one.

He bit Joey’s leg, and Joey screamed, “Oww! You stupid turtle! Hey… that’s what I’ll name you! Stupid …Turtle… Sturtle!”

See the note a few lines up. Also, comma instead of colons. It looks a lot better this way. I'm not sure on the whole colon-used-for-dialogue bit, but something about it just doesn't look right to me.

As Joey walked along with Sturtle, he said, “Wow, you sure are a little Squirtle. Feisty, too.”

Same as the one above this one.

and his tail was very small for his age, considering he was five years old.

Write out small numbers, again.

Maybe that’s why no one chose me… thought Sturtle. Hey, that’s really rude! I’m a darn good Squirtle, regardless of my size!

Use italics for thoughts, else we will think that Sturtle is thinking out loud to himself. Also, something about the 'hey that's really rude' part doesn't make sense to me. Who or what is he calling rude? I would rephrase that bit. He's beating up on himself, so perhaps he could shake his head clear of the stupid thought.

Joey commanded Squirtle to use Water Gun, which Sturtle hadn’t learned yet.

You have quite a few capitalization issues with attacks, I've noticed. I'd personally go for caps on all attacks, as that is standard format for moves in Pokemon fanfiction.

“Come on, you stupid turtle! Use Water Gun!” yelled Joey.

See above. Also, drop the speech verb to lower case. When you follow a sentence of dialogue up with a speech verb (be it before or after that person's/Pokemon's/whomever's name), you do not capitalize the letter.

who was just standing there, and used Tackle.

See two above.

...He threw it at Pidgey, who didn’t resist.

As the Pokeball stood still, Joey woke up. He saw the Pokeball, and shouted, “Yes! I caught my first Pokemon!”

Separated the action of the battle and Joey waking up, since it would be too much of a coagulated mess otherwise. It also goes to show how when he wakes up, he then sees the Pokeball, as there is assumably a small timelapse between the two occurences. It makes the dialogue flow better as well.

...at which Sturtle thought, Man, how did I get stuck with this loser? I wish I could leave.

Again, italics for thought, and have it on the same line.

Soon, Joey caught a Rattata, and started training it.

Youngster Joey from HeartGold/SoulSilver called. He has issues with your Rattata not being in the top percentage of Rattata.

Joey became very powerful, while Sturtle remained at Level Five.

You're comparing a human to a Pokemon in terms of power, when really you cannot make that comparison. You can, but it can't really relate. I'd beware of using levels in writing as well, unless you can explain how you came up with the levels and what exactly they mean for a Pokemon. You'd probably be better off with a totally new phrase here. For example: 'As Joey acquired more Pokemon and battled with them more, Sturtle was left with no battling experience.'

Joey became very powerful, while Sturtle remained at Level Five.

As Joey entered Viridian City, Sturtle had lost all hope. Joey now had five other Pokemon, and they were all very powerful.

Given how you're entering a new scene, start a new paragraph. Get rid of those numbers! Also, beware of what we call 'department of redundancy department'; You're using two descriptive words nearly back to back to each other, and this makes reading very boring and tedious.

While Joey was at the Pokemon Center, he left his Pokemon with Nurse Joy.

As Nurse Joy opened Sturtle's Pokeball, she saw Sturtle with a sad and lonely look on his face. Nurse Joy asked, “Are you okay, little guy? You look sad.” Sturtle nodded slowly, and let a few tears run down his face. Nurse Joy gave him a comforting look, and went to find Joey. As she saw Joey waiting for his Pokemon, she started yelling at him. “Do you even care about your Squirtle? He’s very sad, and needs attention.”

Fixed the formatting. If the character's still talking, you can have further dialogue in the same paragraph.

“No. Are my Pokemon healed yet?” Joey replied in a harsh tone.

“Well, you are a basket case, then. You’re Pokemon will be ready in a minute, loser,” Nurse Joy replied, with more than a hint of attitude in her voice.

Nurse Joy spent time with Sturtle, playing with him, and caring for him. Sturtle appreciated this very much, and didn’t want to leave Nurse Joy’s caring attitude. As Nurse Joy gave Joey his fully-healed Pokemon back, she left him with a final remark, “I hope you realize that your Squirtle is a great Pokemon, and he’s too good for you.”

Use a thesaurus. It will help these redundancy issues, especially with dead words such as 'replied'. Again, reformatted the dialogue. Commas are nice.

“Fine then, you can have him. He’s a sucky Pokemon anyway,” Joey said, as he chucked Sturtle’s Pokeball at her.

Using said or a speech verb, so use a comma!

He imagined himself as a wild Pokemon,

I changed it to lowercase, as wild is not a proper adjective for Pokemon.


...that is it for now. Granted, I probably missed a few errors or just did not bother with them. Point is, bro, you need to proofread, or at least make use of Word's Grammar Check. As much as I hate it myself, it is a necessary evil. No one wants to read a story that is so flawed; people will pay way more attention to the negative aspects of it rather than the positive. Do your homework, and it will greatly help you out later. Laziness is not an excuse for not double-checking your work.

SO! Now that that portion is done, we get to move on to the more exciting bits.

What's that? There's more? Of course there is. For a newbie, did you really think you'd get away scott-free? There are always errors in first stories. If we didn't make errors, well, my life would be a lot more boring, yet that is digressing.

Let us partake in two subjects, then: Word Choice, and Telling vs. Showing a Story. Both truly go hand in hand with one another.

First off, word choice. You hardly make use of any word choice at all! Repetitively throughout the story you use dead words and actions. Please, if you're going to use words such as 'said', 'powerful', or 'replied' (not limited to those three, of course!), limit yourself to using them maybe one or twice PER CHAPTER. The entire story begins to lose shine when you repeat words several times. A thesaurus can easily help out with this predicament!

Also, there's a serious lack of adjectives and adverbs here. Besides actions, you don't explain how events happen. At all! This makes for a very boring story, and this is where the big on Telling vs. Showing comes in.

Now, as it stands, we are far away from the reader as you tell us the story. As it stands, I have absolutely no attachment to the story. You want us to feel bad for Sturtle for all the abuse he's gotten? You won't be getting any from me. It really hurts your case that you're stating what the character is feeling, and not showing it through actions hurts it more. Now, think for a moment. How would a hurt person react? Sure, crying is one way, but what about other methods? Giving a cold shoulder to everyone else? Sleeping a lot? Cutting one's self? Inflicting abuse on material objects? There's plenty of ways to SHOW that the little guy is upset, especially without having to say so.

Speaking of that, you want us to hate Joey for animalPokemon cruelty? Make it more clear. So we have Sturtle biting him a few times. Show us how much he took to hating that. Put him in the hospital for a little or something! Show us the PAIN he went through...or better yet, show him yelping like a little child at a small scratch, and then abusing him for that one little thing! It's an easy way to make the character not be liked. So what if he doesn't train him? Let's see some real character development- smaller portions of food and water, showing affection to useless, weaker Pokemon...it's really simple!

You're taking things WAY too fast as Zyflair has stated. You haven't even tried to describe what Joey looks like, what Oak's lab looks like, What Route 1 looks like, what Viridian looks like, or what the Pokemon Center looks like! And don't even begin with the whole 'well it's canon so I don't have to describe it' nonsense. You WILL get destroyed. Description, no MATTER if it is canon or not, is NECESSARY to describe a story. Without it, we are left with the boring shell of a fanfic that could have been.

Point being, unless you can start describing actions instead of telling feelings, and if you cannot even set a scene, this will just be a boring, 'nother fic like the rest of the fics here.

There were a few more minor techical errors to note...given how you nicknamed the Squirtle Sturtle, you're much better off saying either 'Sturtle' or 'the Squirtle' when you wish to refer to him. Also, do not be afraid to use a few pronouns like she/he or even go and describe them as 'the youngster' or 'the turtle Pokemon'. Just calling them Joey, Squirtle or Sturtle all the time gets very boring, VERY fast.

On contrast, there was a small bit where you incorrectly used a pronoun; for the record, it should be rarely used, and only when the object in question has been properly verified in the sentence beforehand, or even the sentence of. You wrote, 'Well, Squirtle felt even more insulted. But a trainer is a trainer, and Sturtle the Squirtle let it go.'. Now, it is non-specific here. We know he was holding on to his leg, yet it felt a bit confused when you said trainer. I ALMOST envisioned him biting ALL of Joey, as in starting at the ankle and working his way up. Something like that. 'It' should rarely be used.

...alright. I think I covered just about everything I want to for now. Overall, proofread your fic! Use description to describe and NOT tell us what is going on! And for the love of ALL things holy, you may just want to call this a comedy and edit it up to fit the bill, because I doubt this could go anywhere remotely interesting as a serious fic.

 

[sturtle]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

As much as it pains me to say this, Thank You. This advice really helps, and i'll be sure to correct these mistakes in the future. Crystal Hikara, you're a pain the the butt, but you're helpful.

 

[charidude]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Did CH just spend that much time on critiquing this?

 

[Zenith]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

CH is the goddess of writing really long critiques on things. I think this one was over six pages, if I recall correctly.

 

[Zyflair]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Indeed. She was raging over this one on chat.

 

[Incinermyn]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

YIKES! ...this is why I've been trying to keep on her (and everyone else's) good side, because the last person who did this to me made me wet my pants...literally... Actually, this looks almost exactly like one of the bad posts I got Pokecommunity (this isn't even my own thread and I'm terrified of just what Crystal Hikara's going to say about the next chapter)...

 

[Crystal Hikara]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Apollo, sturtle taunted me into this one. I willingly admit that. ;D To be fair, he had it coming.

Also just call me the resident pain in the butt now. *shades* I'll be takin' a peek at this later to see if you really have taken my words to heart, bro.

 

[Incinermyn]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

...that's more-or-less what Act on Pokecommunity told me when she critiqued an early version of Biohazard (take a look for yourself if you don't believe me), but she actually did came back to try and calm me down (as opposed to people like Yami Ryu on Serebii, who have absolutely no regard for people but themselves... Sorry if I'm usurping the thread for a moment here, but I've been through this exact stuff so I take it a bit personally when I see others going through it...). Quite frankly, I don't care if sturtle did taunt you. I thought we were trying to boost activity in the Writing Corner, not deter it...sturtle may shrug stuff like this off, but other people most likely wouldn't...

 

[Zyflair]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

What a silly critique. She was not even concentrating beyond the mechanics and was just nailing you for G/S.

But we digress. Let's move on.

 

[sturtle]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Okay, okay, enough about Crystal. I have written another chapter, in hopes of impressing you all. Here it is:

Chapter 2: The Start of a Journey.

Sturtle ran for miles, away from Viridian City. He didn’t want Nurse Joy to find him, so he kept running. Along Route 2, he saw many interesting night creatures. The flying Zubats made him scared, but he kept walking. He found a can of PokeCola, and started kicking it. Why did I leave Nurse Joy? Sturtle thought, she was so good to me, and now I’ve left her. Soon, he was in Viridian Forest, where he felt uncomfortable. He saw the tall, dark trees, the menacing bushes that rustled in the wind, and the occasional shriek of a Pokemon. As he walked along, he heard a noise from behind him. He turned around, only to the see the path he had been walking. As he turned back forward, he saw a Caterpie staring at him.

“Hiya there, I’m Caterpie, the tour guide! I’m here to help you navigate the confusing pathways of Viridian Forest. Can I help you?”

Caterpie was quite the chatty one. Sturtle stood there, trying to understand what was wrong with Caterpie.

“Do you realize you almost gave me a heart attack? What’s wrong with you?” Sturtle roared.

“That wouldn’t have been a problem, I know CPR!”

Sturtle almost bite the Caterpie’s head off. But he controlled himself and walked away. As Sturtle walked away, Caterpie was soon to follow.

“Here we have a tree, and over here we have a bush, and… oh! That right there is my favourite place, the clearing. We've had lots of good times in the clearing.” Caterpie expressed.

Caterpie started to reminisce, while Sturtle got red in the face and hit his head against a bumpy, rough tree. The more they walked, the madder Sturtle got. Sturtle used words unheard of, but Caterpie wouldn’t listen. All he did was talk about trees he peed on, and bushes he liked. The walk was long and hard. The path was bumpy and hard, and the glooming trees overhead made Sturtle feel small. Caterpie never stopped talking, and hours passed by. But Sturtle tried hard not to hurt Carepie. As the two neared the end of Viridian Forest, Caterpie started to tear up.

“Why are you crying?” Sturtle inquired, not that he really cared.

“It’s just that, well… you’re my only friend!” Caterpie revealed, as he tried to hug Sturtle.

“No I’m not. I don’t like you. Please go away!” Exclaimed the now agitated turtle. Sturtle pushed him away, and backed off quickly.

“I’ll never leave you!” The emotional bug declared.

Right then, a pidgeotto swooped down from the sky and ate Caterpie. Sturtle stood shocked for a minute, and then cracked a smile. Sturtle tried not laugh, but his joy was over powering, and he burst out giggling. Finally, I got that Caterpie to leave. Well, not exactly. He left
with an escort. Sturtle walked with a smile all through Route 2.

Route 2 was peaceful, and Sturtle enjoyed the walk. He saw glistening pools of water, fresh and vibrant trees, and the occasional trainer, walking along merrily. Sturtle was so content, without a care in the world, until he saw her. The perfect vision of beauty, Sturtle gazed at the gorgeous duck. He tried not to stare, but her looks were overpowering. She was turquoise, plump, and all-around amazing. Sturtle walked over to her, and put on a dashing smile.

“Hello there, beautiful. How you doin’?” Sturtle divulged.

The blue-tinted duck turned around, and immediately blushed. She looked at his shining shell, and his dashing good-looks. She felt a strange feeling of love, and wanted to impress him.

“Why, I’m just fine. How are you?” The Psyduck replied.

“I’m doing great, now that I’m looking at you.” Sturtle stated, putting on his best moves.

Psyduck giggled and turned away. She was in love, as was Sturtle. Psyduck was feeling great, and the two just stared at each other. As Sturtle moved in to romance her, she saw a strange man with a red R on his shirt. She gasped, and Sturtle turned around.

“Come here, little Psyduck,” Uttered the Strange man, “I’m not gonna hurt you!”

Sturtle sensed danger. This man was ugly, and had a creepy look on his face. The defensive turtle stood in front his partner, but the man just got angry. The man threw Sturtle out of the way, and reached for the shiny duck. Sturtle stood dazed, and saw his sweet heart being taken away forcefully.

“Nooooo!” Sturtle Wailed, “You can’t take away my love!”

The Strange man got into a small jeep, while Psyduck tried to break free. The man just squeezed her harder, and she passed out. Sturtle ran toward the Jeep, and started banging on the window. He punched and scratched the glass, but only left marks on the tinted screen. Sturtle fell over as the jeep drove away. He ran as fast as he could to catch the jeep, but ran out of breath and fell to the ground. Sturtle pounded the ground, and started to cry tears of anger. He got up, and beat the living daylights out of an unsuspecting Pidgey. Sturtle pushed the unconscious Pidgey into a ditch, and walked away. He knew he had to save his woman, and vowed to find his loved one and set her free.

Sturtle was a turtle not to be messed with. He started walking to Pewter City, pushing Rattata and Pidgey out of his way. He was a turtle on a mission.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Hope this imresses most of you, I made sure to followCrystals advice. As I've changed this into a comedy, I hope you all appreciate the humour. Enjoy!

 

[Zenith]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

You did not follow Crystal's advice because you did not proofread! Normally I would not read fanfiction but it is two in the morning and you are unlucky enough to be the one to curb my boredom.

Your first problem is that it is less than two pages. It is also less than 1000 words. This is not adequate. Some would even say inadequate but not I.

I will let someone else like Crystal sort out the asinine mechanical errors because I am here for the meat of the story. The meat of the story is supposed to be like a steak. Yours is more like a few dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, cooked in the microwave. But there are numerous grammatical errors that tell me you did not proofread at all which is no good. Proofreading is the seasoning on the meat that is your fanfic. It is also kind of like the fire that you use to cook the meat. Without the mechanics the story tastes rare and not very pleasant at all, and as the author it is your job to prepare the meat in a manner that most would enjoy.

As I stated mostly I am concerned about the quality of the meat you chose, or rather in your case shot for yourself in the woods near your house. Let us start with your first paragraph.

Sturtle ran for miles, away from Viridian City. He didn’t want Nurse Joy to find him, so he kept running. Along Route 2, he saw many interesting night creatures. The flying Zubats made him scared, but he kept walking. He found a can of PokeCola, and started kicking it. Why did I leave Nurse Joy? Sturtle thought, she was so good to me, and now I’ve left her. Soon, he was in Viridian Forest, where he felt uncomfortable. He saw the tall, dark trees, the menacing bushes that rustled in the wind, and the occasional shriek of a Pokemon. As he walked along, he heard a noise from behind him. He turned around, only to the see the path he had been walking. As he turned back forward, he saw a Caterpie staring at him.

You are boring. You are very boring. There is no real way to mince this. You are so boring that I can tell you are boring at two in the morning. Make your description interesting to read! I do not care for description that is boring. You can probably glean this from what I have said so far. It's also very short. It's like, "He left Viridian and then he was in the forest." Also, the plural of any Pokemon in the same as the singular; i.e. it's just Zubat. And the sentence of him kicking the can seems horribly out of place. Oh, and the last sentence is poorly constructed. That warrants mentioning. You should be able to figure it out for yourself.

“Hiya there, I’m Caterpie, the tour guide! I’m here to help you navigate the confusing pathways of Viridian Forest. Can I help you?”

Caterpie was quite the chatty one. Sturtle stood there, trying to understand what was wrong with Caterpie.

That is a normal thing to hear. That is not a reason to think of someone as chatty, or as having brain problems. That is common etiquette. This part made me think of Sturtle as kind of a dick. Probably more than what you were intending. This is a common problem in fanfic authors; trying to make the character a lovable jerk but making them an unlovable jerk instead (coughcoughZyflaircoughcoughReagaldcouuuuugh).

Sturtle almost bite the Caterpie’s head off. But he controlled himself and walked away. As Sturtle walked away, Caterpie was soon to follow.

That...what. Why are you almost biting heads off? There was nothing to illicit that. Yes, Caterpie cannot perform CPR. That was a joke. Lighten up, Sturtle. LIGHTEN UP.

“Here we have a tree, and over here we have a bush, and… oh! That right there is my favourite place, the clearing. We've had lots of good times in the clearing.” Caterpie expressed.

Caterpie started to reminisce, while Sturtle got red in the face and hit his head against a bumpy, rough tree. The more they walked, the madder Sturtle got. Sturtle used words unheard of, but Caterpie wouldn’t listen. All he did was talk about trees he peed on, and bushes he liked. The walk was long and hard. The path was bumpy and hard, and the glooming trees overhead made Sturtle feel small. Caterpie never stopped talking, and hours passed by. But Sturtle tried hard not to hurt Carepie. As the two neared the end of Viridian Forest, Caterpie started to tear up.

Now we have two unlikeable characters! Hell yeah! You know how much I like characters that are written to be annoying.

“Why are you crying?” Sturtle inquired, not that he really cared.

“It’s just that, well… you’re my only friend!” Caterpie revealed, as he tried to hug Sturtle.

“No I’m not. I don’t like you. Please go away!” Exclaimed the now agitated turtle. Sturtle pushed him away, and backed off quickly.

“I’ll never leave you!” The emotional bug declared.

This was the best part of the entire thing because it was actually funny. It is important in a modern comedy to be funny, or at least to do something unexpected. Also, the "not that he really cared" seems unnecessary.

And one thing that struck me, just now. IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY TO USE SAID MORE THAN YOU USE OTHER WORDS WITH SIMILAR PURPOSES.

This may strike you as a revelation! "Said" is a word that is practically impossible to overuse. People may complain about you using it too often when they are nitpicking, but pick up a novel considered good and see how often they use "said". It's higher than you would have thought, am I right? And you didn't notice before now. "Said" is practically invisible. Other words? Not so much. "Revealed" seemed horribly, horribly, horribly awkward. If you are going to be a "good writer" and not use "said" you could at least choose one that sounds good.

Right then, a pidgeotto swooped down from the sky and ate Caterpie. Sturtle stood shocked for a minute, and then cracked a smile. Sturtle tried not laugh, but his joy was over powering, and he burst out giggling. Finally, I got that Caterpie to leave. Well, not exactly. He left
with an escort. Sturtle walked with a smile all through Route 2.

Deus ex machina! If you do not know what that means you are not a writer. It is true.

Route 2 was peaceful, and Sturtle enjoyed the walk. He saw glistening pools of water, fresh and vibrant trees, and the occasional trainer, walking along merrily. Sturtle was so content, without a care in the world, until he saw her. The perfect vision of beauty, Sturtle gazed at the gorgeous duck. He tried not to stare, but her looks were overpowering. She was turquoise, plump, and all-around amazing. Sturtle walked over to her, and put on a dashing smile.

“Hello there, beautiful. How you doing’?” Sturtle divulged.

Divulged.

DIVULGED.

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU USE THAT WORD.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP USING FAMILIAR WORDS ASDFGHJKL

ZENITH RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE.

Also while it seems like you are trying out a literary technique here (the "until he saw her" bit, and then description) it's really not very good when used by most people, in most situations. Especially when it comes out of absolutely nowhere. At least make it a separate paragraph, man! Seriously!

The blue-tinted duck turned around, and immediately blushed. She looked at his shining shell, and his dashing good-looks. She felt a strange feeling of love, and wanted to impress him.

“Why, I’m just fine. How are you?” The Psyduck replied.

“I’m doing great, now that I’m looking at you.” Sturtle stated, putting on his best moves.

Psyduck giggled and turned away. She was in love, as was Sturtle. Psyduck was feeling great, and the two just stared at each other. As Sturtle moved in to romance her, she saw a strange man with a red R on his shirt. She gasped, and Sturtle turned around.

If I was able to pick up a woman in this manner I would probably be able to get some whenever I wanted. If you are going to make your character attractive to the opposite sex make them desirable.

Also...deus angst machina! c wat i did thar

“Nooooo!” Sturtle Wailed, “You can’t take away my love!”

The Strange man got into a small jeep, while Psyduck tried to break free. The man just squeezed her harder, and she passed out. Sturtle ran toward the Jeep, and started banging on the window. He punched and scratched the glass, but only left marks on the tinted screen. Sturtle fell over as the jeep drove away. He ran as fast as he could to catch the jeep, but ran out of breath and fell to the ground. Sturtle pounded the ground, and started to cry tears of anger. He got up, and beat the living daylights out of an unsuspecting Pidgey. Sturtle pushed the unconscious Pidgey into a ditch, and walked away. He knew he had to save his woman, and vowed to find his loved one and set her free.

Sturtle was a turtle not to be messed with. He started walking to Pewter City, pushing Rattata and Pidgey out of his way. He was a turtle on a mission.

And now it is a story about a plucky, jerk-ish male hero off to save a female character with no personality from someone EEE-VILL..

That is about it for the commentary on the story.

Random, unorganized note: your main character is straddling a line that is dangerously close to what is called a "Jerk Sue". I believe TVtropes has an article on it if you are unable to figure out what that means. But basically, your character has no major flaws (other than being a huge jerk) and that character flaw does not make them disliked by anyone in-universe. THIS IS BAD. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE CHARACTERS.

Overall, I am not impressed. Please stop the flaunting before chapters. You have a small amount of writing talent. This does not make you a good writer. Stop acting like it and actually learn from your mistakes! It does not make you endearing to me when you start out your chapter flat-out stating that you are trying to impress us. There is such a thing as being humble. You took the first step when you accepted Crystal's advice, but then you didn't follow it anyway, so I don't really see the point.

Work on it, a lot. It needs a lot of work. I'll be back.

P.S. This is almost three times as long as the chapter you posted.

P.P.S. @Apollo: Back in my day on Serebii, we had Renegade. She was a stone-cold biyotch but she knew her stuff. The softies on there today are nothing compared to her. (Yes, this implies a fanfiction writing past on Serebii. No, you will not find anything else out about it, no matter how hard you search. This being said to everybody.)

P.P.P.S. This took me exactly thirty minutes to write.

P.P.P.P.S. I'm going to bed now. It is late. There may be typos. I do not care.

 

[Crystal Hikara]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

Zenith don't try to 1-up me it will not happen >0 Also way not to leave me with anything fun to talk about

It seems that this one may be better, as you are trying to make this more refined, but you're STILL not paying attention. You NEED to proofread. It's getting to the borderline lockable part, the spelling and grammar mistakes are so numerous and obvious. Screw Zenith's metaphor of the spelling and grammar being the fire or the seasoning; spelling and grammar is like a part of the delicious steak itself! It's the juices of the steak; what would a steak be without juice? Rough, tough, and hard to swallow.

Without proofreading, you will NOT get anywhere as a writer. Proofread if you REALLY want to become better! IT WILL NOT KILL YOU. YES IT IS A PAIN IN THE BUTT. IT WILL SAVE YOU A LOT OF PAIN AND TROUBLE IN THE LONG RUN. For the record, this will be the last time I bother to pick out all of your technical mistakes, because this should be YOUR job and not mine to worry about.

Sturtle ran for miles, away from Viridian City. He didn’t want Nurse Joy to find him, so he kept running.

Derp derp, the Department of Redundancy Department called.

The flying Zubats made him scared, but he kept walking.

Uh...just a few sentences ago, you said he was RUNNING. And now he's walking. You never specified when he slowed down. Also, epic redundancy in that sentence from the one prior.

Why did I leave Nurse Joy? Sturtle thought. She was so good to me, and now I’ve left her.

This proves you were not 100% listening after all. Thoughts go in italics. Also, since you ended a thought, you start a new sentence.

Sturtle almost bite the Caterpie’s head off, but he controlled himself and walked away. As Sturtle walked away, Caterpie was soon to follow.

This has no need to be a standalone sentence. It works a LOT better this way. Also, derpdederp, redundancy strikes again.

“Here we have a tree, and over here we have a bush, and… oh! That right there is my favourite place, the clearing. We've had lots of good times in the clearing,” Caterpie expressed.

Expressed is the WRONG word here. I like how you're trying to avoid said and other dead words, but you would be better off with them if you do not know how to use these other words properly. Also what did I say about commas when you follow up with a speech verb?

The walk was long and hard. The path was bumpy and hard, and the gloomy trees overhead made Sturtle feel small.

Ring ring, Department of Redundancy Department is calling! Also, gloomy, not glooming.

But Sturtle tried hard not to hurt Caterpie.

I am disappoint son. You spell Caterpie really bad.

“No I’m not. I don’t like you. Please go away!” exclaimed the now agitated turtle.

This is the critique that neeeeverrr eeeeends

“I’ll never leave you!” the emotional bug declared.

Yes it goes on and on MY FRIEEEENDS

Right then, a Pidgeotto swooped down from the sky and ate Caterpie.

Some Nazi...STARTED writing it not knowing what it was

Finally, I got that Caterpie to leave. Well, not exactly.

And she'll continue writing it forever just because...

She was turquoise, plump, and all-around amazing.

Yawn, cliche boring shiny Pokemon.

“Hello there, beautiful. How you doing?” Sturtle divulged.

...THIS IS THE CRITIQUE THAT NEEEEVERRRRR EEEENDS- *shot* Divulged is, again, NOT the word to use here. >|

The blue-tinted duck turned around, and immediately blushed. She looked at his shining shell, and his dashing good-looks. She felt a strange feeling of love, and wanted to impress him.

Oh, please. OH, PLEASE. THE SQUIRTLE IS FIVE YEARS OLD AND YOU HAVE HIM HITTING ON A PSYDUCK. ...if it wasn't for the games, I would call this absolute foolishness. Also love does not happen at first sight- lust does. I'll be slightly concerned if you try to go down that road...

“Why, I’m just fine. How are you?” the Psyduck replied.

Yes it goes on and on MY FRIEEEENDS

“I’m doing great, now that I’m looking at you,” Sturtle stated, putting on his best moves.

Aaaaand you went down that road. Shame on you.

Psyduck giggled and turned away. She was in love, as was Sturtle.

NO YOU ARE NOT. YOU ARE IN SOME SERIOUS LUST BRO.

As Sturtle moved in to romance her,

BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH. NO.

“Come here, little Psyduck,” uttered the Strange man, “I’m not gonna hurt you!”

Oh plz. And they said the guy in the car offering free candy was bad? Also, keep in mind that if you are using a speech verb, unless the object following it is a proper noun like a person or a thing, the FIRST WORD DOES NOT NEED TO BE CAPITALIZED.

“Nooooo!” Sturtle wailed, “You can’t take away my love!”

Derpy derp, capitalization errors again. Also what did I just say. They JUST met. It cannot be love!

The strange man got into a small Jeep,

Really? You capitalize strange but not Jeep?

Sturtle fell over as the Jeep drove away.

You even got Jeep correct in the last sentence. How does this happen I don't even...

He ran as fast as he could to catch the Jeep

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN I DON'T EVEN...

AND ONE MORE FOR THE LOLZ

Hope this impresses most of you, I made sure to follow Crystal's advice.

That's pretty bad, you trying to impress us when you get three things wrong in the same SENTENCE. Way to go, homes.



Again, you only listened to half of what I was saying. In fact, it is debatable that you overlooked the most important part of my entire critique! Spelling and grammar are THE most important parts of a story! Without having stories be next to flawless or flawless themselves, your story will simply fall to shambles.

If you really want to consider your writing to be better, please, please, PLEASE use Word or Firefox's spellcheck. It will take you not even five minutes after you have written the beast to copy it, paste it into either or, and LOOK FOR PRETTY LINES. If it catches something, look at it. Add Sturtle and other Pokemon's (properly spelled) names into the dictionary so it can catch on typos. Read your work out loud. Whichever you do, DO SOMETHING. This is really unacceptable at this point, given how I'm now somewhat repeating myself. I even go as far to proofread over my CRITIQUES, that's how important this is!

Sturtle, it's getting to the point where I could nearly report this for Rule #6 on the Writing Corner's rule list.

There’s nothing more annoying than trying to read a story and straining your eyes and patience because the author’s story has either atrocious grammar, horrible formatting (unnecessary walls of text, bad dialogue usage, etc.) or both. If you’re going to post a story in this forum, it has to be something resembling readable. Messing up dialogue is fine, but not recommended (you should have a new line every single time a different person talks). Messing up grammar is not so forgivable and you may find yourself wondering what happened to your story if that is the case (hint: it was deleted).

Please save yourself a little bit of trouble and USE A SPELL OR GRAMMAR CHECK. PLEASE. It makes it really hard to read when there are so many errors.

I'm done for now.

Shush Zenith I know it's not that long but you already covered most of what I wanted to say so shush.

 

[sturtle]

RE: Sturtle the Squirtle

I do a spell check and a proodread everytime I post a chapter. If my computer doesn't pick it up, then I can't find it. Call me blind, call me stupid, but my proofreading skills are shoddy, at best. half of those grammer mistakes I thought my Word program fixed, but when I transfered over to Pokebeach, must have come back. The thoughts were in Italics before, but again, the transfer was unkind. Obviously, I need to work on my writing skills, so I'll do just that.

Zenith and Crystal, what the heck? Was there any positivity within your critique? I thought Writer Haven members were supposed to help, not insult. I know I had a lot of mistakes, but it's my first piece. Was that your plan, make me feel so bad that I quite Writing? Is that what writing's about? The Writers Haven is perfect, and all others who try should burn in heck. If you want to improve the writing corner, try being nice to people. You get a bigger response to positivity then negativity. Oh, and FYI, I did try to follow your advice crystal, so don't act like I ignored it and wrote another piece of garbage. Try and actually help people, instead of picking out every flaw within a story, then calling their stories trash. There would be a lot more Writers if you didn't crush their dreams when the tried their best. No one is perfect, except for you two, am I right? all hail the majestic and flawless Writer's Haven! *Bows and leaves*

No more StheS, until I can improve my skills.

 

[CrazyAipom]

Ok first, never trust da machines... They will not pick up everything. Something that can't tell my name and tries to call me "Jody" isn't gonna be that helpful. If you have horrid proof reading skills like mine (check out New Dawn. People have created a drinking game for my mistakes.), send a draft to someone else to check it. Second, Zenith CH ARE being kind. Check out other forums or Fanfiction. People flame and crush dreams there. Or completely ignore you and leave your work to rot.

They are trying to help you out, although I do admit, both of you did come off a bit sarcastic and mean, though I could tell it was mostly for lulz. Also, don't think that everyone will be falling in love with your work, you need to work for it. Trust me, you don't want that. When I first posted a story here, it was hot. I got many replies, I think around 1,100+ views, and lots of praise.

That story blew. The longest chapter was I believe was only around 2/3 a page, and it was in script format!!! Since I was going around feeling on top of the world, my writing everywhere blew. I messed myself up for some time, hell now I still want to cut things short, but I push myself and got teh happeh gold star award....in high school. (Not really, that punk Greg got it...)

Anyways, don't be insulted by criticism , it's for the better. Take advantage of it and improve your skills. Get used to criticism, cause this is only the beginning.

Live it, learn it, love it.

Buenas suerte.
Adiós.