Writing The 8 Stones Book1: It's Just a Matter of Time

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MuddyMudkip

GIMP Artist In The Making
Member
Yes, this is my fanfic. I decided to post it now. It's just the Pro-Logue. CnC is always welcome, tips are too. FYI, I'm just a 10 year old girl trying to write a story, so if I have any mistakes (like misspelled words), please tell me.

Table Of Contents:
Prologue (Please Scroll Down)
Chapter One: The Suspicious Page
-------------
THE 8 STONES
Book 1: It's Just A Matter Of Time
ProLogue


It was a very bright and starry night that the stars casted shadows over a group. The wind blew frantically causing the leaves of the trees to rustle and sway with great urgency. The group of 6 people and their Pokemon were having some sort of meeting. They gathered in a circle-like shape, as they talked softly. They hoped they would not be heard, as they were near a house.

"He's gotten too close to succeeding," the deep, dark voice of a man stated "He needs to be stopped."
The man was muscular, strong and had light brown hair, he was almost as tall as et trees around him. He seemed to be in his late thirties. His Weavile stood beside him, he had sharp and long claws, like any other Weavile. But, what made the battle-ready Weavile different from the others, was that it looked as thought it had been in one too many devastating battles with its numerous scratches and scars.

"And he will be stopped. By any means necessary," a pure, confident lady's voice replied, "even if he has to be crushed. He's got 6 stone. It has to be done tonight." She was a beautiful lady with short blond hair. Her eyes were the color of water. Earrings were dangling from her ear, and a diamond ring rested on her finger. She seemed to be in her mid-thirties, and wore a confident, yet smug, smile that spread across her face. Beside her was a Houndoom, he also had some scars and scratches, but the Weavile had more of those. He growled energetically, it seemed as though the fire inside of him grew stronger and hotter.

"Umm.. Excuse me, ma'am," a muffled voice came out from a younger man, thin and short with a Slugma.

"What is it Shrively?!" the woman snapped at him as she rolled her eyes impatiently at the newbie.

Ryan Shrively nervously scratched his dark black hair as he gulped and mumbled his reply, "Did you just say crush, as in injure or kill or murder?"

Her eyes showed anger and impatience, like it was on fire. The man with light brown hair took over, as he saw his co-leader's angry mood.

"Well, yes Ryan. We have to stop him. You must learn to have no mercy," he said quite calmly. His eyes were glowing with rage, he really wanted to hurt the opponent.

"Now, enough with that chit-chat. Time to crush him," the lady commanded venomously, "Houndoom use Flamethrower!" She pointed purposefully at the two-story building. The Houndoom immediately obeyed. He opened his mouth wide, took a deep breath, and aimed for the building. An intense blast of fire came out, hitting the house directly. It was an angry sea of flame, it lashed in all directions, consuming the west side of the house quickly. The others nodded, they all issued their Pokemon to use fire attacks. All the attacks hit the house. Those were just back-ups for the flamethrower. Then the gang escaped quickly and quietly, hearing a fire detector's alarm go on.

"Our house is on fire!" a woman cried out, as she rushed into a small room. She had long black hair. Her anxious voice rose over the alarm of the fire detector. She tripped over a few assortment of toys, and made her way towards a pair of beds, where her two children lay down, sleeping and coughing.

"Wake up!" she screamed as she nudged her children to wake. She gasped for breath as smoke and flames curled around her. Her children finally woke up, coughing in the smoke. The kids nodded nervously, they were scared. She picked her 4 year old son up, then pulled her daughter out.

They ran through a familiar hallway, but now it was one of their worst nightmares to see it. It was filled with sparks and flames of red that lashed out to them hungrily. They heaved down through the stairs. The hand rails felt hot, and parts of of the stairs were burning down. They were careful not to step on burned parts. The fire was getting bigger, and stronger. Frightened as they were, they tried their best to stay clam.

As they got down, they went into a room. It was the study. A man was frantically searching for something among the books. He was the woman's husband, he had dark brown hair. He was quickly pulling out books, looking for something very important. His Pikachu was helping him look. He looked up at them.

"Get the children out!" he called to the mother. Then he resumed his search. The mother knew what he was looking for. She was upset, not the slightest bit angry. She knew she had to get her kids out.

"Daddy!" his six year old girl called out to him. She held out her arms for him to take. The man stopped for a moment and looked at his daughter.

"Cupcake, go with mommy. And take care of your brother," he said calmly, "Take this Pokemon with you. He'll protect you." He gave her a Pokeball. Slowly, the girl took it.

The mother nodded as she pulled her daughter and son out of their house, into safety. They sat on the grass, under a tree. They as the red flames ate the house.

Just then, a fire truck appeared. The firefighters quickly sprayed water on the burning building, the water pressure wasn't strong enough for the fire spreading speedily. The children's mom ran back towards the house. She was just a few meters from the house, when the Pikachu ran out. A few seconds after that, the house burned down completely and collapsed into bits. That Pikachu had a very lucky escape.

The firefighters stopped spraying water. They and the neighbors gasped, shocked and stunned at how a fire could have spread so quickly. The family paused from a moment of shock. Some neighbors' jaws dropped wide open as they looked at the collapsed house.

"Oh, John." the lady sighed with grief as she got over her shock. She touched her chest. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She picked up the Pikachu and slowly walked back to her children.

"NO! Daddy!" the little girl cried as she saw the house go down. She hugged her confused little brother tightly, and looked up as their mother returned. Wet was the ground, as tears rolled down.

A car drove up into their driveway, the window rolled down, a woman with glasses looked out.
"Come on in," she called. "You can stay at my house for the time being." A necklace swayed as her head popped out of the window. An expensive type of watch was placed on her wrist as her hand gestured them inside.

"Hello Aunt Julie," the little girl said as she climbed into the backseat of the car. She looked back towards their house. As the car pulled out of the driveway, she pressed her face and left hand onto the car's window.

"Bye, daddy," the girl mumbled sorrowly as the Pokeball rolled about in her hand and it fell down. The middle button was hit as the ball touched the floor of the car, causing it to enlarge.

Hmm, why would daddy give me a ball that grows bigger and smaller? she thought to herself, having never seen her father battle. She picked up the ball, and suddenly a young Eevee popped out.

***6 Years Later***

Late one afternoon, a man and a woman were in a room in a hotel sending invitations through e-mail. The room was not big, just the right size. The aircon was on, and it was a hot day.

"It's time. They have to take the test now," the man suggested. He was in his late thirties and had blonde hair. He looked up from his laptop and turned to the woman, an innocent face on him.

"Yes. It is time," the woman replied. "Their father would want them to find the stones. They can handle themselves now." She paced around, back and forth, while an amethyst earring dangled from her ear. She also wore a silver bracelet.

"Hmm." the man mumbled. He quickly typed in another e-mail address, then he clicked SEND.
-------------
I hope you like what I wrote. Chapter 1 coming soon!
Also, this has been proof-read by ZeroHero from Pokestation.
Thank You and Enjoy.
 
RE: The 5 Stones Book1: It's Just a Matter of Time

Mmmm, might as well give this a shot before I go off and start reading PMJ's beastly 27772.

In terms of spelling and grammar, nothing really stuck out to me in particular. The story is basic enough with a bit of sentence variety to make it really easy to read, and that's a GREAT first step in the writing field: getting people to understand the story and what's happening.

That being said, I do definitely wish there was a lot more detail. And...said. SAID. GET RID OF SAID. IT NEEDS TO BURN IN THE FLAMES OF THAT HOUSE. I'll try and use examples, here.

Said: is a 'dead' word. True, it can be used once in a great while, but I think it should only be used when you've established good diction for the characters. IE we know how they are reacting and it doesn't need to be reiterated. There are so many other words that could replace said. In your case, you could go with 'preached' 'grumbled' 'suggested' or any other speech verbs. I wouldn't quite know which you were aiming for, as that first part was so vague, but use one that feels right. Using simple replacements for 'said' can really start to bring a story to life.

Unnecessary Description: I know I just said this story doesn't have enough description, so why would I be talking about unnecessary description? I'll use the example of the flames: 'They're colored yellow, orange and red.' Not only is this stating the obvious, but this also is a falcity; normal flames burn different colors depending how hot the fire is. Forest fires, for example, are hotter (correct me if I'm wrong someone!), so their fire color is typically more towards the red-orange range with a lot of black charcoal mixed in. Fires from- say, a candle- are much lower in temperature so they burn a somewhat translucent amber color. Based on footage I've seen of actual fires, I'd say that once the fire got out of hand, it'd be more towards the orange-reddish side with the debris from the burning wood. Again, I could be wrong. Point being, we know what flames look like for the most part. I would rather want to know what the flames are DOING to the house rather than what they look like. Are the flames creeping up the ceiling like vermin, nibbling away at the house with incredible speed? ...okay that's kinda a wordy example and definitely a simile, but the point is, you want this family to be in peril. Make the fire seem evil. Describe what it's doing, and try and sneak in what the color is in an action.

Also of note was the 'Pokeball which held a Pokemon'. You can completely get rid of that second part, as the father has already told us through dialogue that something is in that ball. We're in a fire scene, again; there should be a sense of panic in the writing.

On that note, why on Earth would the mother take the time to prepare damn towels when the house is burning down? First rule of EVERYTHING fire-oriented: concentrate on getting out of that house! Think of it this way- Would I rather prepare for the flames and potentially find myself trapped in the blaze, or take that extra time to escape alive? Again, there should be a sense of urgency here. Really use that to pull this story together!

One last little thing: it's just Prologue. There's no dash. |3

Like I said, you have the basics down; now all that remains is to pull the story together and make it more realistic. The story will become much more believable if you try and imagine yourself in the character's shoes. Describe ONLY what they would notice during the fire, and their peril, their fear of death in the moment. THAT will make the story exciting, and more people will read it.

Once this gets some more to it, I'll begin on the plot, if you want me to. But I will be keeping an eye out for this.
 
RE: The 5 Stones Book1: It's Just a Matter of Time

Thanks for the suggestions Crystal Hikara! I really appreciate it that you took the time to type out those suggestions. I'll try to fix the Prologue ASAP.
BTW, your comic/story Enigmatic Star is epic/great! I like it!
 
RE: The 5 Stones Book1: It's Just a Matter of Time

MewtwoFTW said:
I Love it, Can we expect another one soon?
Well, yes. I'm currently editing the Prologue to make it better, like more descriptions, and a more intense fire. But once I'm done with that, I'll finish up Chapter 1, then I'll put it up.
 
I saw this on Pokestation too. I think ZeroHero and CH pretty much covered what I was going to say, so I won't give any advice.

~NZ
 
Negative Zero said:
I saw this on Pokestation too. I think ZeroHero and CH pretty much covered what I was going to say, so I won't give any advice.

~NZ
Oh, and its revised now as you can see. And ZeroHero proof read it. I just edited that a few minutes ago, so you might wanna check out the changes.
---
Once this gets some more to it, I'll begin on the plot, if you want me to. But I will be keeping an eye out for this.
@Crystal Hikara, I have no idea what you mean by "I'll begin the plot". But I would like some help with drawing the characters.

~MM
 
/me quickly looks at ZeroHero's comments
Negative Zero said:
II think ZeroHero and CH pretty much covered what I was going to say...
Actually, no. There's quite a few more things we can discuss here. =D

Zero talks about adding more description, and CH talks about getting rid of unnecessary description. I'm going to talk about how to describe. Description, as you already know, brings the story out in pictures. It's is thus important know how to paint that picture. Here's a few pointers on description that *I believe* the other two have not mentioned about.

- Avoid weak words
You open up with "It was a very starry night in the city of Seladon, which was in the Pokemon region of Hohto. The stars glowed brightly." Take notice of the bolded words. Take notice of how they bore the reader. This is because they are not specific, but instead just randomly blurt out a random fact that doesn't help us think of an image:
"It was the perfect day for a picnic."
Uh... how exactly?

-Show, don't tell
It's a very general guideline that usually works for aspiring writers, as it helps you do the firstly-mentioned tip. What does it mean exactly? It means to allow the reader to understand something with just being told. For example, rather than saying that the fire was getting bigger and stronger, you can say that it started to engulf the kitchen, indicating how large it was getting. Or you can show how the place became so unbearably hot, their skin started to burn as the fire spread. There are so many ways you can try to get readers to see things without telling them what to see.

-Describe with a purpose
Alot of people say, "add more detail," but they never exactly say what that detail should be. The best question you can always ask yourself is: "Would the story change if I left that sentence out?" If the answer is no, then you would generally be better off without that sentence. For example, saying that "He was the woman's husband," in the middle of a burning crisis not only says little, but it even ruins the mood of the urgency. What you should be focusing is how the house is falling apart and worries of if they're going to die if they don't get out fast enough.

You have potential, so I hope you certainly bring it out. I'll see you in the next few chapters.
 
Sorry for the bump. I only got Chapter One up now.
-------------
THE 8 STONES
Book 1: It's Just A Matter Of Time
Chapter One: The Suspicious Page


It was a bright and sunny Saturday morning, the wind was blowing peacefully. The ground was clustered with leaves, twigs, and grass. Wild Pokemon were there, and so were some trainers. Some were training, others were having battles. Very little cars drove past them, it was a quiet and peaceful neighborhood. Up in the sky, different kinds of bird Pokemon swooped up and down and all around. Wind breezed through 12 year old Samantha Hunter's long golden brown hair. Her green eyes scanned the overgrown grass in their garden, she looked tall compared to the young, lonely tree that grew near their house.

A smile was spread across her face, she had just finished her daily morning jogging around the block. Sweat trickled down her cheeks. She was wearing a red shirt with blue jogging pants. And down at her feet, beside her orange running shoes, an Eevee stood panting. His name was Dean, and he always jogged with her.

Samantha picked Dean up and walked into their house. Up the stairs, through a hallway and into her bedroom. She sat down, recalled Dean to his Pokeball, turned on her laptop, and checked her e-mail. She read them all, and replied to a few, then checked one with the subject that read 'Invitation for Samantha and Timothy Hunter'.

"Tim, come here and look at this." She called out to a lumpy figure lying on the bed under the covers. It was her brother, Timothy.

Tim didn't move, so reluctantly Sam put her laptop on the table, got up and walked over to the bed. She pushed and pulled and nudged the figure under the brown covers until he woke up. He opened one eye, and asked sleepily, "What's up, sis?"

"I got an email addressed to both of us." Samantha replied as she walked back to her laptop. That got his attention.

"Really? What does it say?" Tim suddenly asked with curiosity. He stretched his skinny body as he jumped out of bed and sat down in front of the laptop before his sister could. His skinny fingers tried to smoothen out his ruffled dark brown hair. Tim's green eyes quickly scanned the e-mail. It read:

You are invited to
Take the
NAPS Exam
on
April 22rd
8 AM
at the
Diamond Hotel


"April 22, that's Tuesday, 3 days from now," Tim told his sister excitedly. A wide grin spread across his face.

Sam nodded and responded, "Yes, I know. But what's a NAPS Exam?"

Just then, they heard a rapping sound on the door. "Kids, open the door," a sweet, motherlike voice said. They opened the door to find their mother standing outside. She had long black hair, brown eyes, and was wearing a yellow shirt and black jeans. Her name was Jane.

"Yes, mom," Samantha mumbled. Tim looked up from the laptop and nodded questioningly.
Their mother came in and ordered, "Timothy go downstairs and eat your breakfast."

Jane looked at the e-mail and called, "Sam, this is an important exam. You and your brother must take it."

Sam nodded and asked nervously, "But mom, doesn't it sound suspicious? And what is NAPS anyway?"

"I don't really know, sweetie," her mother replied. "But I'm sure it has something to do with your father." She remembered her husband, John, always going out for some sort of mission, and he always mentioned something to do with NAPS. John had died six years ago in a fire. Sam nodded and followed her brother downstairs.

Three days later, on the day of the exam, Samantha was more nervous than excited. Timothy, on the other hand, was the other way around. Jane had dropped them off at the Diamond Hotel exactly ten minutes before eight AM. Sam, dressed in a short-sleeved orange shirt with a blue skirt and light blue sneakers, and Tim, dressed in a green sleeveless shirt with cream-colored shorts and green rubber shoes, craned their necks to lookout the noisy and busy neighborhood, they weren't used to this kind of neighborhood. Dean's Pokeball was safely tuck in a pocket of Sam's skirt along with three other Pokeballs. They squeezed and squashed their way into the crowd.

Sam and Tim spotted a sign directing to the NAPS exam. Sam shuddered and Tim felt cold as they started the rather long trek down the dim hallway. Mericifully, there was a well lit room at the end. It the room there were tables and chairs, lots of people, a man in a suit, pencils and erasers, it was like you were in school in a classroom, and Timothy hated that feeling. They walked around the room.

"Well, well, well, look who's here," a voice from behind scoffed.

"The Cantwells," she said under her breath, their relatives. She'd recognize that voice anywhere, her heart thumped just thinking about it.

She spun around, a muscular boy, two years older than her, was holding her brother upside down.
Sam gasped as she stammered her reply, "Wh-What do you want, Ian?"

"Oh, just some revenge," Ian snickered along with his eleven year old brother, Jordan. Their sister, Kelly, nodded, while their parents, Arthur and Dianne, smiled smugly.
The Cantwell family was very muscular, and loved Pokemon. They were also very athletic.

"Maybe we could settle this in a Pokemon battle, instead?" Samantha stuttered, thinking of anything that could work.

Tim stared at her warily with a "What are you thinking?! I don't have Pokemon!" look. His sister smiled back calmly, knowing exactly what her brother wanted and what she would do. Somehow, they could communicate with each other by just looking, like they can read each others minds.

The Cantwells looked at each other and nodded.
"Agreed. A battle we shall have," their cousins sneered at the same time.
[align=center]-------------
CREDIT:
For Proof Reading: ZeroHero

THANK YOU and Enjoy!

~MM

Zyflair said:
* Zyflair quickly looks at ZeroHero's comments
Negative Zero said:
II think ZeroHero and CH pretty much covered what I was going to say...
Actually, no. There's quite a few more things we can discuss here. =D

Zero talks about adding more description, and CH talks about getting rid of unnecessary description. I'm going to talk about how to describe. Description, as you already know, brings the story out in pictures. It's is thus important know how to paint that picture. Here's a few pointers on description that *I believe* the other two have not mentioned about.

- Avoid weak words
You open up with "It was a very starry night in the city of Seladon, which was in the Pokemon region of Hohto. The stars glowed brightly." Take notice of the bolded words. Take notice of how they bore the reader. This is because they are not specific, but instead just randomly blurt out a random fact that doesn't help us think of an image:
"It was the perfect day for a picnic."
Uh... how exactly?
-if you notice my "newly" edited Prologue, I didn't include that part anymore.

-Show, don't tell
It's a very general guideline that usually works for aspiring writers, as it helps you do the firstly-mentioned tip. What does it mean exactly? It means to allow the reader to understand something with just being told. For example, rather than saying that the fire was getting bigger and stronger, you can say that it started to engulf the kitchen, indicating how large it was getting. Or you can show how the place became so unbearably hot, their skin started to burn as the fire spread. There are so many ways you can try to get readers to see things without telling them what to see.
-I've sort of done that in my "newly" edited Prologue

-Describe with a purpose
Alot of people say, "add more detail," but they never exactly say what that detail should be. The best question you can always ask yourself is: "Would the story change if I left that sentence out?" If the answer is no, then you would generally be better off without that sentence. For example, saying that "He was the woman's husband," in the middle of a burning crisis not only says little, but it even ruins the mood of the urgency. What you should be focusing is how the house is falling apart and worries of if they're going to die if they don't get out fast enough.
-nice suggestion. I'll try that.

You have potential, so I hope you certainly bring it out. I'll see you in the next few chapters.
-ok then. Chapter One is up!
Comments are in bold. Thanks for the suggestions, BTW!
 
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