Writing The Destructive battle

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  • Absolutely awful - Terrible

    Votes: 2 50.0%
  • Quite bad - Not my cup of tea

    Votes: 2 50.0%
  • Average - It was OK

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Pretty good - I liked it!

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Excellent - Perfect!

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  • Total voters
    4

raichupika33

Loving Wifi in my life...
Member
Hi, this is my first story I made so don't laugh if it is bad, I'm pretty good in English so hopefully I will be able to pull this off.

The Revenge - By Raichupika33

Chapter 1 - Peaceful Creations

Over flowery hills there was a beautiful scent, it was dead silent, gorgeous. The sun's rays were beaming at the flowers to make them bloom. Sunflora were using a mystic melody of sound, it was heaven. You could see nobody lived there, the green was as bright as the sun. Other Pokemon were joyful playing and running around, Eevee were playing with each other, Taillow were sitting in the tree as it was a statue. Imagine fields of heather with bright, positive colours, this is what it was. A lot of people came to sightsee the delectable scene, the grass had a very minor breeze with the sun, it was the beautiful scenes of thw world in one setting. Not even Smeargle could paint how great the place was, but there was one problem...

Chapter 2 - Let The War Begin

In the Hoenn reigon as everyone knows holds two legendary Pokemon, Kyogre and Groudon. This one place with the flowers as previously mentioned, was named Blossom Paradise. No worries there, no wars, no unhappiness, but with Kyogre and Groudon at war, the Blossom Paradise was involved somehow, it was war to drown it into water, or to make it dried land. A trainer named John did not approve this, the true secret trainer of all of the history of Pokemon, so he thought in a battle between Kyogre and Groudon. The question is, who will win?

Chapter 3 - Destruction Horrors

John sent out his beloved Dragonite against the Groudon, Groudon used Earth Power, John commanded Dragonite to use Giga Impact, Dragonite was nearly destroyed, then Groudon used Ancientpower, Dragonite dodged it all with Aqua Tail, which luckily inflicted damage to Groudon! Groudon got angry and used Eruption which caused the whole land to sent on fire with the lava, it even reached Blossom Paradise so Blossom Paradise was now all ruined. All Pokemon were in trouble, but then Kyogre came to join the battle! An Ice Beam attack which caused severe freezing to Groudon and Dragonite. Also the Ice went to Blossom Paradise, the Paradise was now covered with a layer of lava and ice. What will happen next??

Chapter 4 - Battle Conclusion

John luckily escaped the freeze, so he retrieved Dragonite and sent out Arcanine! Arcanine used Overheat so all the ice on the battle fireld was gone, Kyogre and Groudon ignored John and Arcanine and focused on the opponent, Kyogre used Water Spout VS Groudon with Eruption, which both attacks caused John and his Pokemon to be blown away in a Unknown Destination. Hang on, lava and ice, could it be Blossom Paradise? Yes! This is where the Red and Blue Orb are located, so what John had to do was to place them into the Red Shrine, and the same with the Blue orb into the Blue Shrine. John went into the shrine but it all got destroyed to the legendaries attacks! Only one possible way to create peace, meet the Pokemon Rayquaza. What happened, Rayquaza was awakened and used Outrage to create calmity. It worked but...

Chapter 5 - Final Countdown

Rayquaza got confused and fainted at the battle field! What to do, nobody knew, but all the now restored Pokemon from Blossom Paradise all worked together to heal Rayquaza. It worked, Rayquaza screeched thank you to everybody and returned to the upper skies... HOORAY! The whole world is back to normal all thanks to John!

THE END!

NOTE: This is supposed to be a short story, I know it is short so please don't complain that it is short.
 
Uhh...what? ._.

Ok first of all, wayyy to short for a first chapter, second chapter, third chapter, fourth chapter and especially fifth chapter. The first chapter of my story is more than double of all of your chapters combined. Now to the constructive criticism...

You barely described anything, except in the first chapter. The first chapter was a description itself and would not be enough for a whole chapter. And in what person are you writing in? First person, second person, or third person? I seriously don't know. Alright, the battle scenes were just horrendous. It was just you saying what Pokemon did what attack, with no description, no way to get that exact image into our head. The only image I saw was a Dragonite, Groudon, Kyogre, and Rayquaza. I didn't see them using attacks, because how should I know how he even attacked him? Did he come out of nowhere? Did he fly up into the sky and smack him? Did he just slam him from the ground?

Then Blossom Paradise being destroyed? What was up with that? Lava and ice don't go together. You said Blossom Paradise was covered in a layer of lava and ice. Ice over lava or lava over ice, doesn't matter which, the ice will melt if they're touching. You barely described Rayquaza being awakened. It just awakened, came out of nowhere, and beat them? What the heck...?

Then at the end...they all worked together to heal him...uhh, then the hooray? Just makes it more confusing to know in what person you're writing this in.

Over all, 5 chapters with barely any length for one story is nothing. Try to put more description into it, try to make a better storyline too, it was all jumbled up.
 
^^^ what he said :p


My suggestion: Get to work on a larger, more detailed story. It CAN become good if you're willing to put effort into it.

It kinda made me feel like you were just bored when writing this .-.


A decent fanfic would have AT LEAST 15 chapters or so. and each chapter would be at least 20 times larger than the ones you've written.
 
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