Writing The New Dawn A Collaboration Between Negative Zero and CrazyAipom

Negative Zero

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Member
AN: Just like I have said in the title, this is a collaboration between myself and CrazyAipom, so please don't just criticize just one of us, criticize both of us. We both wanted to wait a while for someone to review and give us tips before we posted this, but she didn't reply because she is an evil mistress who made us feel neglected, *cough* Crystal Hikara *cough*, so we decided to post this. Feel free to read and review. Comments and criticism are recommended, flames are not acceptable.

Disclaimer: CrazyAipom and I don't own the Pokemon franchise, if we did we would have made Ash emotionally stressed, Brock dead, made Dawn travel with Zoey, and May would still be kicking butt. (OK maybe I would do that anyway) The only things we own is the ideas and our respective characters. (Nicky is mine so I will write in her prospective and Adrian is Crazy Aipom's so he will mostly write for his prospective.)


Table of Contents:​


Chapter 1​

Nicky’s POV:

It didn’t feel right, seeing somebody else walk across the stage, to thank the judges for giving her a ribbon. I had dreamed for my second ribbon for so long after loss, after loss. I could feel my determination fading, this was in count my tenth loss in the same month in a contest so far and there weren’t many left before the Grand Festival.

My partner Pokemon, Era, had looked up at me in worry. I knew she felt sad, so I tried to reassure her with a smile. A smile that I knew was sad, but I tried to make it look as happy as possible.

They keyword was try.

I smiled bitterly when the winner had smiled. She was smiling as if she didn’t care for the other coordinators who were trying to get that ribbon. It felt as if she were mocking them, as if she were mocking me. I was so close to getting that ribbon, so close to achieving victory. I swore I could have tasted the near victory during that final round.

I walked away from the stage. I couldn't bear to see this, my dreams slipping away from me. Era looked sad as she followed me, but I tried to reassure her that I was alright, that she didn't need to be sad.

It was always my dream to be a top coordinator, to bring the golden cup of awesomeness back home. It was proof that I made it, that I was able to do it on my own, my Pokemon and I could prove to millionaire family that I could make it on my own, without the extravagance, the luxury, and with all the people that could be used to our bidding. I wanted to prove to them I could make it, that I could accomplish my dream without help from them, or anything connected to them.

Now though, it seemed impossible. I only managed to win one ribbon in three months, and in those three months I had at least thirty losses, about ten for each month, if not more. I only managed to win my first ribbon because of a fluke and that doesn't seem fulfilling. I want to win a ribbon with my own skills, no flukes, no luck, just skill.

"Esp?" Era cried in questioning. She could obviously tell that I was disappointed; she rubbed against my leg in comfort. I scratched her purple coat to soothe her. Era's forked tail, swished in pleasure, but I could still tell that she was not convince that I was happy. It was no wonder why she couldn't sense what I felt; she was with me since childhood after all.

My father had bought her from a poacher, something that I wasn't too happy about. I never would have thought they would stick so low as to hire a poacher to get a Pokemon for their daughter. I mean really who hires a poacher, the most illegal people on the face of the world, to get a Pokemon for their daughter, or even their child? My parents are crazy enough to do that. That didn't mean I regretted meeting Era, she became my most trusted companion, although I do wish we could have met in different circumstances that would so avoid how many Shadow Balls to the face I took.

Yeah it wasn't nice to have it shot at my face. Seriously for the first couple of months I felt like a target.

Did I just sound humorous, that wasn't possible, I don’t have a single funny bone in my body. I think I need some aspirin along with the anti-depression pills; or what I love to call happy drugs.

I returned Era into her Poke'ball, just like with the rest of my team. I needed this time alone, maybe to talk to somebody that I know. Really I didn't need Era here to see me like this. It kills her to see me so sad and hurt. I love her like a sister, a best friend, and my greatest companion.

I asked the secretary to lead me to where the visual phones were. It just so happened that I lost my cell phone on my way to Verdenturf, so I had no way to communicate with anybody, not even my human best friend. The secretary left me after leading me to the line of visual phones, I guess they knew when someone needed privacy when the see one. I sat down on the seats that the visual phones provided and started to punch his number on the touch screen

Did I tell you how much I love technology? No wait scratch that, they so needed to improve the rings on these phones. They sound like elevator music and it wasn't helping me at the moment. I wonder if these phones know that I am just depressed and decided to make my day even worse. Yeah technology is so evil.

The rings had ended and my best friend's face popped up. He still looked like his goofy self, his messy brown hair hidden under that ugly cap of his, his blue eyes that just screamed "hug me to death!", his familiar lean, but firm body structure, and his arrogant smirk on his that would never be able to be wiped off his face even if we hired Jarachi to get rid of it.

"Hey Nicky, what are you calling about now?" Alexander, my best friend, asked.

"I lost again," I sighed, "I really don't know what else to do. I only managed to get my first ribbon because of a fluke."

He frowned, "Another one? Really Nicky, you can't lose confidence, you still have another chance."

"I have only got one ribbon in a span of three months Alexander and I only managed to get that one ribbon out of a fluke; don't I have the right to be discouraged?" Nicky asked, "At this rate I might never get into the Grand Festival and I might be sent home in shame."

"I know, but you can't give up. You can't lose that bet you made with your parents and you are not going to give up on your dream you got that?!" Alexander lectured, "Being a coordinator has been your dream since forever, you are going to let a couple of losses bring you down?"

"A couple Alexander, I have lost at least thirty times," I sighed.

"Well I am sure there are plenty of more contests that you can win!" Alexander exclaimed, punching his fist in the air for emphasis.

"There's only seven more left," I sighed.

Alexander stared at me for a minute before coughing, "You're doomed."

I snorted, "Thanks for the help."

This conversation is so not helping me at the moment.

"At this rate I might give up," I sighed, "It is obvious that being a coordinator isn't the right path for me. Maybe I should go back and face them."

"No you are not! You are not going to send yourself back there, to parents who are going to practically sell you to somebody else!" Alexander screamed, "I think you should take a look at a flyer that I picked up. I didn't think I would need it, but I think you do. Here, I'll send it over fax."

"But what if-" I didn't get to finish my retort because he had disappeared. The screen had clicked black and I could hear the fax machine in the other room. The secretary came from the other room holding out a faxed flyer in her hand.

"This recently came out of the fax machine and I presume this should go to you," The secretary said, handing me the piece of parchment. I thanked her kindly and started to read the flyer.

New Dawn Center
"The Center of Success and Soul Searching!"
"The one thing you might need to get you out of your rut!"

At Mossdeep City
Call Us Today At: 555-2356

"Soul searching?" I thought, "Maybe that is all I need! Maybe a little soul searching will help me!?"

And so, I called.




Adrian's POV:


Hoenn...it’s known as the region of water by many. It's a large island in the middle of the ocean, somewhere off the coast of Johto. I hate boats. I really do. The only experience I had with them was a small trip around a river, and another ferry ride. I felt like dying each time. The feelings of the rocking deck, the fact that the crew was almost nowhere to be seen, save for some man wearing a sailor suit that belongs back in the 1960's.

Don't even get me started on movie night included Titanic, JAWS, and Into the Blue, which was just bad. I mean really bad. Yeah sure Jessica Alba was hot, a shot of her shown every other scene, but that wasn't enough to save it from a strange plot and terrible acting that a four year old on ten pixie sticks could outperform. In Titanic I didn’t get what was up with the romance! In my opinion they added way too much romance for tragic events. The just confessed their undying love for each other and one of them gets killed off? How stupid is that?! And JAWS? That movie is older than me, while it doesn’t scare me compared to movies now, it was just creepy watching a movie that could be twice as old as you are. It made me feel old and I don't like feeling old. Don't get me wrong, it's a good movie, but I have enough issues without a mid-life crisis at 16. Plus, the movie title itself is screaming at you. JAWS!!! Also, was it really a good idea to show those movies on a boat?

On top of that, I got sea sick…Badly.

"Remember, I'm only doing this because I love you."

Love me, yeah right. He is just saying that so when he kills me he will have a great excuse for the lovely judge and jury.

"Uh-okay, thanks Tío!"

"Don't forget about your mother, she wants you to call at least once a week."

"Yeah, got it."

"Oh also, would it kill you to keep him inside the Pokéball?" My uncle gestured to the large white and brown furred Pokemon, it's crown of fire flaring up as it sneezed.

"What for? He's been with me since I first got him back in Sinnoh, and he's always been at my side."

"Yeah, that was fine when he rode around on your shoulder but now, he's too big!"

I sighed and looked at the Infernape my uncle seemed to be so bothered by. He smiled, barring his large sharp teeth, causing my uncle to laugh.

"Uh..you were so cute and innocent...what happened?"

Since when did he think Scorch was cute? I remember him telling me he wanted me to get a Piplup. Those evil little penguins give me the shivers. Those large round eyes, that permenant smile, somehow learning Metal Claw with flippers, ugh, how was that even possible?

"He grew up and became a menace to society. Come on Tio, Scorch is still the lovable mindless monkey you knew and loved."

Anybody notice the total sarcasm?

Scorch frowned at the last comment, dropping his head low. I had to admit, from a manly point of view, it was cute.

"Ah come on, I'm just kidding. You're the cleverest Infernape I know."

"Adrian, will we be leaving soon?" A voice shouted.

We all turned to see a Pokemon mix of black, blue, and light brown fur, walking into the Pokemon Center. A single silver spike pierced through his chest, similar to the other spikes on each of his paws. I named him after his blue fur, and also for the Aura that he emitted. The Lucario was able to communicate telepathically. I could communicate using telepathy too, but that story is way too long for me to explain, so it will be a story for another time...

"Good, Azul back. Well, I guess we can go" Scorch let out a cry, throwing his fist into the air.

Azul nodded and headed to out of the center, Scorch and I following.

"So, where are we headed?" Scorch asked.

"It doesn't really matter, with you guys and my rank I can challenge any gym in any order. Mom did want me to visit Mossdeep first though. We'll head there."

"Why does she want you to go there?"

"I don't know, but she said if I didn't go, I couldn't come to Hoenn."

"Weird..."

"Yeah, but whatever, if all I have to do is go to Mossdeep ...which is all the way out...give me a minute." I pulled out a map my mom bought me, seeing she had marked Mossdeep on the map and even traced a few routes to it.


"So, how are we going to get there?"

"Well, you two will need to spend some time in your-"

"No no, no. no, no; I'm not going into the void!"

"Void? Come on, it's not that bad. Besides it'll only be for a while, at least until Hector can get me to Mossdeep."

"I understand." Azul stood still as I recalled him to his Pokeball, and turned to see Scorch hoping through the nearby trees.

"You'll never take me alive!"

"Scorch, come on, not now. Let's just get Hoenn over with..."

Did I mention that I totally hate Hoenn at the moment? I don't even know why I bothered coming here, it's not like any of the battles here are going to be any fun. The only reason I even came was that it was either this or just slack around at home and battle over confident hometown trainers.

"Wow, someone is confident."

"Let's face it, until we reach the League, who's going to be a challenge? Even then, we're going to be facing nothing special..."

"What's up with you?"

"We haven't had good battle since the Sinnoh Championships, and the battles I've had since then were random challenges that I won without breaking a sweat."

"Yeah, but still, we're going to conquer Hoenn!"

"Maybe..."

"Come on man, you're killing my mood..."

"Yeah, yeah..." I returned Scorch to his "void". I unclipped a Pokeball from my belt, and tossed it out.

A large black bird soared out from the trees. It's mighty wings created a gust of wind that made me close my eyes, its sharp talons connected with the ground and let out a strange cry, flapping its wings. When I opened my eyes the large black bird had bowed its head in front of me. The shiny golden beak wasn't the only feature the bird showed off, its red crest on its head made it stand out unlike other flying Pokemon, its unique mix of black, brown and gray were contrasted completely throughout the birds body, and its chest was puffed up showing off the nice and shiny "M" patter on its chest.

It was my trusty high flier, Hector. He gave me a hard time when I first caught him. He'd attempted to claw at my face when I'd let him out and he barely listen to me in battle. He wasn't so fond of meeting new people as well. I remember one time when he abandoned me when I sent him out to search for help. Turned out it wasn't entirely his fault, he ran into some trouble on the way. Now he was one of the most loyal and nicest Pokemon I or any of my friends knew.

"Hector, think you can get me to Mossdeep?" I asked my loyal high flier.

"Of course, but where is this Mossdeep?" The Predator Pokemon questioned.

"I'll tell you how, shouldn't be too hard..." Hector nodded and lowered himself. I hopped onto his back, his feathers brushed against me, teasing my skin. Hector spread his wings wide; on his back it seemed that his wings could stretch for miles. A horrifying screech escaped from his golden beak, then he started to flap his large wings. A gust danced under us, making Hector take a few steps back. With a glass shattering scream, he ran as fast as he could and took off.
 
Unlike CH, I'm prompt on responses. ^_^

Just briefly looking at the work, it's apparent you two separate the story and have each author go with a different point of view, as the tone an attitude take a new turn in the switch of the POV. But you already wrote that, so I should read notes before I type stuff. |3

Because this is a collaboration and the content is distributed among both of you, I'll separately critique each POV.

Nicky’s POV
Quite a few mechanical errors dot the passage, but that's never much of a problem. The most pressing issue is - excuse me for being a bit cryptic - the lack of detail in the detail; the scene is described, but in an awfully abstract sense, such as "She was smiling as if she didn’t care for the other coordinators who were trying to get that ribbon." It's such a vastly general statement, it tells nothing other than:
-She's smiling.
-She's not thinking about the other competitors.
The statement after that does clarify, but why not just go with, "She smugly smiled, pleased with herself, looking down upon all of us without having to look at us at all," which is only slightly clearer but definitely less wordy. Yes, it does get rid of your opportunity to emphasize the loss of the person, but that can be added with another way. Several parts of the description suffer from this lack of concreteness, often telling of rather than showing the picture (with the exception of the description of her best friend, which proved to be decent).

A slightly irritating thing about this passage is the sudden shift of attitudes; here Nicky is, completely depressed after her long losing streak, and yet when addressing the reader, she is completely conversational, such as when she explains her beginning times with her partner Era.

Adrian's POV
Mechanic errors are worse in this section. It is recommended you bug CH into proofreading this AMAP (as much as possible).

Personally, I don't like dripping sarcasm; I realize it's intended for comedial purposes, but this isn't a comedy, nor are we in a dire situation looking for comic relief. An exaggerated trait in a character is all well and good, but when utilizing first-person, it's not a good idea to alienate the reader by being in a manner so distant - such as being sarcastic, because we wonder if you (the character) actually ever care. The first-person view is to be personal, and I'm having a hard time believing that this view is very personal - if at all; despite the chattiness of the narrator, it sounds like a front, making the reader feeling cheated out of serious thoughts.
 
Thank you Zy for your critique. I think we can count on you to hit the major weakness with out the sugar coat. For Nicky's Point of View, I wrote it in a new style that I have been developing. It seems though that it isn't great yet, but I am glad that you hit the major weak points in it. I will try to fix it up for the next chapter. CrazyAipom seems to have some clumsy fingers, but I have to admit I touched it a little bit too, mostly I touched the last paragraph and the rest were spelling errors I found.

Anyways I appreciate your professional view and CrazyAipom and I will try to get Crystal to read this. (Crazy has spammed her with PMs, but she hasn't replied. I think there was one where he threatened to smack her with a fish if she didn't look this over.)

~NZ
 
I see. Anytime.

Since you mention of a "new style," can you describe what your old one was like?"
 
Sorry that took so long guys- I have a LOT of stuff on my plate. Also if there's one thing to learn about me it's that I'm not good with PMs, especially if spammed. >_> If you could keep that in mind, that'd be awesome.

*slaps Zyflair for taking a shot at her*

Anyways, there's very little to go on at this moment, so bear with me. I'll do my best with what's given. I'll be taking a Zyflairish approach to this one and talking about each POV separately, because given how the two stories seem so separate right now, it's really the only way to manage it.

Nicky's POV

Well, we start out with a flat-out loser of a contest. She can't win her way through anything, it seems. Zyflair already covered the main issues of lack of detail, so I won't bother with reiterating that more is needed throughout.

I try hard not to admit that I'm a Grammar Nazi (as that's more DNA's forte), but it is riddled with a bunch of grammatical errors. I won't go out and pick them all out, but there were issues. There are times when you switch back and forth between present tense and past. This is a big no-no. Like, this is one of the Gods of all grammar no-nos, so to say. Keep it in constant past, unless there are italics going on for the dialogue. Along those lines, you break the fourth wall occasionally. Bad. Unless this is gonna be a comedy, very bad. It completely drags the reader out of a trance, throws them overboard, and expects them to swim for their lives. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but in all honesty, I would omit the whole 'Did I just sound humorous, that wasn't possible, I don’t have a single funny bone in my body. I think I need some aspirin along with the anti-depression pills; or what I love to call happy drugs' bit. Also of note is that you have a run-on there. Beware of them.

On the whole run-on/fragment bit, you seem to have a bit of a problem of that. Here's another example: I want to win a ribbon with my own skills, no flukes, no luck, just skill. This would be easily fixable if you used a dash in the place of the first comma, or a colon. Either would work fine in either case.

uhm, there was one case of where you switched from first to third person. 'He frowned, "Another one? Really Nicky, you can't lose confidence, you still have another chance."

"I have only got one ribbon in a span of three months Alexander and I only managed to get that one ribbon out of a fluke; don't I have the right to be discouraged?" Nicky asked, "At this rate I might never get into the Grand Festival and I might be sent home in shame."' Make sure to double-check for any pesty things such as these! It definitely made me double-take; I almost thought that there was another character involved in all of this I wasn't aware of.

Minor thing, but thoughts should be in italics, unless the character is speaking out loud on a topic. Second to the last sentence could definitely use this, given how you just used thought. It'll help to define the character, so at one point or another you won't even have to use 'blahblahblah, she thought' format.

A little more word choice could be desired here, given how you had Nicky sigh three times within a few paragraphs. I'll show you what I mean.

"Hey Nicky, what are you calling about now?" Alexander, my best friend, asked.

"I lost again," I sighed, "I really don't know what else to do. I only managed to get my first ribbon because of a fluke."

He frowned, "Another one? Really Nicky, you can't lose confidence, you still have another chance."

"I have only got one ribbon in a span of three months Alexander and I only managed to get that one ribbon out of a fluke; don't I have the right to be discouraged?" Nicky asked, "At this rate I might never get into the Grand Festival and I might be sent home in shame."

"I know, but you can't give up. You can't lose that bet you made with your parents and you are not going to give up on your dream you got that?!" Alexander lectured, "Being a coordinator has been your dream since forever, you are going to let a couple of losses bring you down?"

"A couple Alexander, I have lost at least thirty times," I sighed.

"Well I am sure there are plenty of more contests that you can win!" Alexander exclaimed, punching his fist in the air for emphasis.

"There's only seven more left," I sighed.

asked is also used a good bit. You could even get rid of some of the 'he said she said' syntax if you wanted, given how they're the only two in the conversation. Also, if you don't leave off on an incomplete sentence, end the 'he said she said' syntax with a period instead of a comma.

even if we hired Jarachi to get rid of it.

I was slightly confused with this. Did you mean Jirachi? If not, just who is this Gengar Jarachi?

Ummm...there are a few other points in which could have used a comma at a certain point or another.

Regardless, there are quite a few grammatical hiccups here and there. If you'd like, I could really whip out the red pen on your bit, if you think it'd help. *shrug*

Adrian's POV

Way to suggest me for the red pen on this one, Zyflair. Really. >:/

This shares a lot of the same problems as above...commas needed where they are not there, and vise-versa. A bit of fourth wall breaking, italics could be used at sometimes, random typos with lack of periods at times... I don't think I need to be a broken record here. The only thing I can suggest is not two use numbers; it really breaks up the flow when you see like 16 randomly in there with other words. Type em out if they're under a hundred, or if they're not an even number such as 'three-thousand'. It will really make it look better.

The one thing that irks me most, though, is that this Adrian guy is seemingly a perfect character, minus his overbearing sarcasm. He's bored with competition because he wins them all and his Pokemon are under the same similar mentality. But what irks me more is not the fact of this, but that his Pokemon talk to him. Either you've given him the ability to talk to his Pokemon, or his Pokemon have learned how to all speak English...and without good reason on all of them, it will not work out well. The whole 'being able to speak with Pokemon' trick is one that needs to be carefully used, and it ought to have its disadvangates as much as its advantages. I highly suggest going over these a bit when you get to writing your next chapter. Remember, perfect characters without flaws are not very likeable, as we cannot very well relate to them.

Again, if you want me to, I can red pen all of this for you guys (even though I really don't like doing it...it's kinda a pain in the butt, TBH, and something I'd rather leave to DNA), if you think it'd help.

I don't have too much else to say, because I think Zyflair got the rest, and it's still a budding story with only one chapter. It's...really hard to critique something when it doesn't have more than two chapters involved in it. So uh yeah you guys better post more up kthx. :B
 
Adrian was borrowed from my own story and I tried to make it a future him, but that was a mistake. We are reworking this, and I'm making a new character since I need Adrian for my other story, and I still need to work on him more. We both admittedly rushed through a bit, and I 4really wasn't working my best. Thanks for posting CH!
 
I fail at spelling names. I didn't notice that mistake, I meant Jirachi. Yeah thanks for critiquing, once we are done with rewriting it we'll inform/pm you the link to the place where CA and I are writing it, so you can review us like crazy and whip us into shape with your magical powers! =)

~NZ
 
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