Writing The Story of the Moon and Sun

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swain

Code geass <3
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This is my very first story and its about how the moon and sun were created killed by the creators then sent to earth to do a mission and thus for the Kisugama were made hint hint very important.

Chapter:One How Luna and Sol were made.

One day in space the makers of life and death were thinking then they decided that they would make two all powerful beings to rule so they could sleep.The sun god Sol and the moon god Luna,so for days they worked and worked.Then after 1year of work it was done they had made the gods of the sun and moon.They gave them there task to watch over earth then the makers left to there chambers and went to sleep.The gods were doing as they were made,but they grew bored and decided to interfere with life and death,so the battle then begun.Sol god of the sun went to half the world while Luna did the same,but while they were doing that a even greater evil was lurking in the shadows the Niradaro.Sol with his army of the sun and Luna with the army of the night they battled.The sound woke the creators and they came down ot see what was going on,and saw the blood and the dead people along with Sol and Luna fighting each other.
"STOP! The creators",said "look what you have done all this people dead for what your entertainment that's it good bye to you both."
Sol and Luna were dead and they were gone.The creators left.When they got back to there chambers they wonder what to do not knowing that the Niradaro had no one to bother with so it could rule the world,so they decided they would make the weapons of life and death the Kisugama.In the end 20 different icons were made and put all over the world.When the creators got back they saw that they Niradaro had attacked they knew this was the end of them so they sent Sol and Luna's remains to earth hopping some one would revive them.

***
Ten years later

"I'm home from school mom.",said Kesho.

"Ok honey has was school?",said Mom.

"Boring like always.",said Kesho.

"Well wash up dinner is almost ready I have a friend coming over so be
nice.",said Mom.

"Mom I'm going out for a bit.",said Kesho.

"Ok don't be late for supper.",said mom.

"Finally I have some time to think uh-oh look out!",screamed Kesho as he
jumped and pushed the girl out of the way of the monster and the monster
fled.

"Are you ok?".asked Kesho.

"I..I'm fine my name is Lunar,and what is yours?",asked Lunar.

"My name is Kesho Inuyaki!",proclamed Kesho.

"Well I need to be getting on my way bye.",said Lunar.

"Wait where are you going?",shouted Kesho.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that sorry,but take this.",said Lunar.

*throws a disc with a icon on it*

"Take good care of it.",said Lunar.

*and with that she left*

"That girl is weird and this icon she gave me I've seen it before,but
where?",Kesho said.

*Starts to walk back to his house*
 
It seems very... short? Can you make it longer and add more detail? That would improve the overall quality 8D Great job for a first time :B
 
thanks this is just a rough draft the real one is still in the making wanted to know how it would be.
 
Uhm, I roughly read the story (and I mean REALLY roughly), so I don't have comment on that yet. But: Why are you using *action* do describe actions? It's dissapointing that it is used in the RPG's in the Game Corner, let alone in the Writing Corner. That's just crazy. The grammar is almost never correct and you jump through the story in an instance. Your main character has left the house and suddenly he meets a monster somewhere else? What's going on?

The length, on the other hand, is fine according to the Pokébeach Writing Corner rules, but that's mostly because you've used a lot of empty lines. If I were to remove those, it comes nowhere near close (but that counts to a chapter of my fanfic too, so I'll guess I'll shut up.)
 
like i said before this is just a rough draft its not going to be finished for a long while
 
Then why did you post it here? If you post it here, in this form, then you most accept the fact that it will be critized (highly in this form)
 
I don't care it doesn't bother me I was just seeing it and how this works.
 
Nope, sorry. Put up a final draft and get this much, much, longer. Not to mention fix your grammar/spelling so people can actually read this easier lol.

Don't delete my post, Zyflair. I got here first, tough.

*Locked*

dmaster out.
 
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