Writing Totalirius (PG-13) (Chapter 1 is up)

nabby101

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During my last attempt at writing an pseudo-espionage story, I got lazy and never finished it. It involved a 10 year old boy with ninja-like powers, which didn't end up working out at all anyway. And yet, here I am again, with another story. This is more of a fantasy story, but I had fun writing the first few chapters and thinking of meaningless dramatic lines. Constructive critiscm would be great.



Prologue

A scratch at the door. Pavelire sat up straight in his seat. His eyes flicked to the bottom right corner of the screen on his laptop, where the time read 8:53 PM. His parents had gone out for dinner to an expensive French restaurant celebrating their 20th anniversary, leaving their son with twenty dollars for pizza and a promise that they would be back around eleven. A few remaining pieces of cold pizza lay forgotten on a plate. Pavelire listened intently for a full minute, then stood up and walked over to the window. It was February and the nights were still long, so all he saw was an eternal length of darkness. Another scratch, and then a rattle. Heart pounding, he crept into the hallway and towards the back door.

"It could have been nothing," He whispered to himself. "It could have been a raccoon. Or a stray dog."

He heard a clunk as the lock turned, and panicked. He had to hide! But he turned the corner and found himself facing a scruffy man about twenty years old. His hair was jet black, but that was all Pavelire could perceive before the man disappeared, and in his place was a wolf with fur the same pitch black colour as the man's hair. The same colour as the darkness outside. The wolf saw him, and it's hackles rose. The boy backed away, and the wolf snarled at him, although it seemed perplexed. It stalked towards Pavelire slowly, curiously.

Pavelire tried to think reasonably. What are you suppose to do if a wolf breaks into your house? He blinked, feeling stupid. Wolves didn't break into houses, especially not locked ones. He tried to remember... an assembly back in third grade... a man talking about wolves... that's it! The boy tried to make himself look bigger. It seemed like a feeble defence against the jaws of the beast, but the wolf recoiled, more in surprise than anything else. It had an indignant look in its eye, and it growled at such a juvenile effort. Pavelire panicked and ran - the worst thing he could do. But the wolf remained just inside the door, thinking. If the wolf was correct - and it usually was - the boy was one of them! If that was the case, his whole mission would have to change. For whatever reason, Pavelire's parents had hidden their son from the Totalirius. The wolf had been told to wreck the house of the parents, as punishment for a misdeed they had done. But the boy changed everything.



Chapter 1

Pavelire pounded through the house, panting loudly. He stumbled around until he found his room, and locked himself inside it. He sat down on his bed, and looked around the room for his cell phone. His heart dropped as he remembered himself ordering the pizza, and then leaving his phone on the couch beside his computer... he was completely at the mercy of the wolf. Not yet, he told himself, there's still the door. Wolves can't open doors, much less locked ones. But that theory failed when he realized that the wolf had gotten in through the back door - which had been locked.

He heard a human voice yell from the kitchen. "Boy! Come out! I won't hurt you!"

A human voice. Was that the man he had seen? What was going on? Did the wolf belong to the man? No, wolves didn't take orders from people. Was the man also the wolf? That was even more unlikely. Maybe some sort of horror movie werewolf-esque creature? Now he was just being stupid.

"Get out here boy, before I lose my patience!"

Pavelire almost laughed, despite the situation. He wasn't going to fall for such a lame trick.

"I'm really in a bad mood right now!" The man seemed to be losing his temper.

Pavelire replied with silence.

"Kids these days..." The man muttered, and started searching the house.

Pavelire frowned, confused. The man had looked to be around twenty. Maybe twenty-two. Pavelire was fifteen. The man wasn't that much older. Nothing was adding up tonight. He heard footsteps as the man walked around, looking for him. Checking each of the rooms. Slowly, methodically, the man worked his way towards Pavelire's bedroom at the end of the hall.

Please don't come in! Pavelire thought desperately.

The man froze outside the door. He spoke calmly to himself. "The boy can thought-speak. Okay. That's perfectly normal. He's what? Fifteen? Lots of teenage Alirius can thought-speak," He seemed to be trying to convince himself. He opened the door as if it wasn't locked at all, and walked in. Pavelire was paralyzed, unable to move a muscle.

"Who are you?" The man demanded, towering over the teenager.

Pavelire got his first good look at him. He was about six feet tall with medium-length shaggy black hair and grey eyes with an amber glint. Even though he looked like a young adult, Pavelire felt that there was something ancient about him. He whimpered and then shakily spoke his name. "P-pavelire."

The man looked like he had been slapped. "They had some nerve," He said, and started pacing, ignoring Pavelire for a moment. "Unless..." He stopped suddenly and looked at the teenager thoughfully. Studying him. He shook his head. "Impossible."

The man seemed to have made up his mind. "Okay kid, you're coming with me."

Pavelire's eyes widened, and he frantically shook his head, not trusting himself to speak.

"I already told you I'm not going to harm you," He said, exasperated. "I'm an Alirius, like you. My name is Veluvir."

Pavelire didn't budge. He didn't have a clue what an Alirius was, and he wasn't going to trust this crazy wolf-man who had broken into his house.

"Good god boy we need to awaken your powers, and we have to go before your parents get home."

Pavelire still didn't budge.

Veluvir grimaced. "Fine."

The boy couldn't have seen it coming. The man struck as fast as a wolf, and Pavelire's vision blurred, then everything went black as he became unconscious.

Veluvir sighed. He hated hurting the boy, but it was necessary. They would never get out in time, and even if they did, the kid would slow him down. The man pulled something out of his pocket. He wouldn't have time to trash the place now, but he still had his backup plan. He still needed to send a message to Pavelire's parents. He stuck the plastic explosive under a rug and then picked up Pavelire. Throwing the boy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, he ran out the door, not bothering to lock it behind him. He hopped into his Maserati Spyder. It had been given a pitch black paint job so that it blended in with the shadows of the night. He tossed the boy in the passenger seat and then accelerated away from the house. A few seconds later, there was a dramatic BOOM! and one side of the house was ripped apart by the blast. When the police showed up exactly seven minutes later, Veluvir and Pavelire were long gone.

~~~

"You're absolutely positive Veluvir?" The man asked. He was much older than the man who had captured Pavelire, and he looked older still. In fact, he had been among the first of his kind. The eldest of the three legendary brothers, born on the day of the millenium, in the year 1000. The first Totalirius.

"Yes Exordium, I am quite certain," Veluvir replied politely. He was growing tired of the old man's sceptiscm.

"You grow weary of my cautious nature," It was not a question.

Veluvir bowed his head. "I apologize sir."

"You need not," The thousand year old man continued his pondering in silence for a few more moments. He made his decision. "Send the child in. You are dismissed."

Veluvir nodded and then retreated, a touch of pink colouring his cheeks. He got over his embarrasment quickly, and then sent the boy in as requested.

Pavelire made his way down the long hallway to the throne. A frail old man sat upon it, muttering to himself in a language that was unfamiliar to Pavelire. This time, the boy told himself, I'll be more confident. I won't whimper like I did in front of that wolf man. The man turned to look at Pavelire, and when their eyes met, Pavelire knew this was a man with incredible power.

"So you are the boy Veluvir found?"

"Yes," As an afterthought he added. "Sir."

The man lit up. "And with manners too! My name is Exordium. I am, esentially, your parents' boss."

Pavelire recoiled, but stayed silent. The man was watching him, waiting for a response. Pavelire chose his words carefully. "Exordium - sir - I thought my parents worked at the bank?"

The man blinked. "Was that intended to be a question, or a statement?"

Pavelire hesitated. "A statement?"

Exordium smacked his forehead in exasperation.

Pavelire corrected himself. "A statement! A statement sir."

Exordium nodded. "Up until now I didn't know that your parents had a child at all."

Pavelire started. "Really? They never told you?" Pavelire had only just met this man and already he knew he wouldn't dream of lying to him. He looked calm enough, but Pavelire had a feeling that it would be unwise to give him a reason to get upset with you.

Exordium shook his head. "And to think, I discover this when Veluvir is sent to punish them for something completely unrelated," He sighed. Veluvir tells me you can thought-speak as well.

Pavelire stared at the old man. His mouth hadn't moved, and yet Pavelire had heard the last sentence just as clear as the first, if not moreso. "What did you say?"

Ah. So it seems you can here me. But can you speak back?

Pavelire attempted to thought-speak. I think so.

The man sat up straighter in his chair and applauded. "Good, good! But don't say 'I think so'. You are either able or you are unable. If you had replied 'yes', then I would have heard it and believed you, or I would not have heard it and it would not matter what you had said."

Yes, I can thought-speak.

Exordium nodded. "Better."

"So, can you tell me what is going on?" Pavelire asked.

Exordium nodded again. "You are an Alirius."

"What?"

"Say 'pardon' or 'pardon me', not 'what'. Here I was thinking you had manners," He tutted.

"Sorry sir. Veluvir said that word too - Alirius, I mean - what does it mean? What is an Alirius?"

"Ah, I thought you might ask that. They all do. Alirius are a one-in-a-million species of human with special powers," His eyes glinted. "Simply put, you can become an animal at will."



~nabby101
 
RE: Totalirius (PG-13)

According to current WC policy, if the prologue runs under the 1000 word requirement, you must post Chapter One along with it. Of course, I have no authority, and even if I did, I wouldn't tackle you for doing it once.

Rather than being harsh, I actually have some good news for you: the beginning looks good. You set up the opening with the description of the setting decently (though being an odd one, I normally ask writers not to make this a habit). If there's only one edit I'd like of the first paragraph, it would be this:
He heard another scratch, and then a rattle.
I'm going to brush past the fact that the comma doesn't belong there. In any case, your opening sentence is an intentional fragment, and short to the point. That's good. Now that we're going back to the same topic - the sounds at the door - you could have something along the very same style:
Another scratch. Then a rattle
It goes without saying that you should be careful not to overuse this as it might annoy the reader, but it's something I have to offer.

From third paragraph to ending, you're inducing suspension of disbelief: we're just going to have to go along with the story that a man indeed just turn into some special wolf and has some task relating to punishing this boy's parents. Be careful with this. I know it's hard, but try to make the story flow as smooth as possible: don't jump too many ideas into the mix and make sure to slowly explain it out. Your first task is to not lose the reader. Then you can focus on making the reader interested.

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair
 
RE: Totalirius (PG-13)

Wow thanks, I'll make that edit. It seems to run smoother. I've got a seven hour drive today and then a holiday so I should have lots of time to write. The place we're staying at has internet connection, so I should be able to post Chapter 1 (or more) by the weekend.
 
RE: Totalirius (PG-13)

So long as you get the first chapter up by the weekend or so, it's fine. The main point of the rule was to flush out higher quality writings from people, and it's usually when writers show no serious effort whatsoever that I close their works. This looks like a decent enough start as Zy said, so you won't be penalized for being a bit short so long as you get things up soon.
 
RE: Totalirius (PG-13)

Ok, cool. Right on cue, here's Chapter 1. The original post has been updated with it as well.


Chapter 1

Pavelire pounded through the house, panting loudly. He stumbled around until he found his room, and locked himself inside it. He sat down on his bed, and looked around the room for his cell phone. His heart dropped as he remembered himself ordering the pizza, and then leaving his phone on the couch beside his computer... he was completely at the mercy of the wolf. Not yet, he told himself, there's still the door. Wolves can't open doors, much less locked ones. But that theory failed when he realized that the wolf had gotten in through the back door - which had been locked.

He heard a human voice yell from the kitchen. "Boy! Come out! I won't hurt you!"

A human voice. Was that the man he had seen? What was going on? Did the wolf belong to the man? No, wolves didn't take orders from people. Was the man also the wolf? That was even more unlikely. Maybe some sort of horror movie werewolf-esque creature? Now he was just being stupid.

"Get out here boy, before I lose my patience!"

Pavelire almost laughed, despite the situation. He wasn't going to fall for such a lame trick.

"I'm really in a bad mood right now!" The man seemed to be losing his temper.

Pavelire replied with silence.

"Kids these days..." The man muttered, and started searching the house.

Pavelire frowned, confused. The man had looked to be around twenty. Maybe twenty-two. Pavelire was fifteen. The man wasn't that much older. Nothing was adding up tonight. He heard footsteps as the man walked around, looking for him. Checking each of the rooms. Slowly, methodically, the man worked his way towards Pavelire's bedroom at the end of the hall.

Please don't come in! Pavelire thought desperately.

The man froze outside the door. He spoke calmly to himself. "The boy can thought-speak. Okay. That's perfectly normal. He's what? Fifteen? Lots of teenage Alirius can thought-speak," He seemed to be trying to convince himself. He opened the door as if it wasn't locked at all, and walked in. Pavelire was paralyzed, unable to move a muscle.

"Who are you?" The man demanded, towering over the teenager.

Pavelire got his first good look at him. He was about six feet tall with medium-length shaggy black hair and grey eyes with an amber glint. Even though he looked like a young adult, Pavelire felt that there was something ancient about him. He whimpered and then shakily spoke his name. "P-pavelire."

The man looked like he had been slapped. "They had some nerve," He said, and started pacing, ignoring Pavelire for a moment. "Unless..." He stopped suddenly and looked at the teenager thoughfully. Studying him. He shook his head. "Impossible."

The man seemed to have made up his mind. "Okay kid, you're coming with me."

Pavelire's eyes widened, and he frantically shook his head, not trusting himself to speak.

"I already told you I'm not going to harm you," He said, exasperated. "I'm an Alirius, like you. My name is Veluvir."

Pavelire didn't budge. He didn't have a clue what an Alirius was, and he wasn't going to trust this crazy wolf-man who had broken into his house.

"Good god boy we need to awaken your powers, and we have to go before your parents get home."

Pavelire still didn't budge.

Veluvir grimaced. "Fine."

The boy couldn't have seen it coming. The man struck as fast as a wolf, and Pavelire's vision blurred, then everything went black as he became unconscious.

Veluvir sighed. He hated hurting the boy, but it was necessary. They would never get out in time, and even if they did, the kid would slow him down. The man pulled something out of his pocket. He wouldn't have time to trash the place now, but he still had his backup plan. He still needed to send a message to Pavelire's parents. He stuck the plastic explosive under a rug and then picked up Pavelire. Throwing the boy over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, he ran out the door, not bothering to lock it behind him. He hopped into his Maserati Spyder. It had been given a pitch black paint job so that it blended in with the shadows of the night. He tossed the boy in the passenger seat and then accelerated away from the house. A few seconds later, there was a dramatic BOOM! and one side of the house was ripped apart by the blast. When the police showed up exactly seven minutes later, Veluvir and Pavelire were long gone.

~~~

"You're absolutely positive Veluvir?" The man asked. He was much older than the man who had captured Pavelire, and he looked older still. In fact, he had been among the first of his kind. The eldest of the three legendary brothers, born on the day of the millenium, in the year 1000. The first Totalirius.

"Yes Exordium, I am quite certain," Veluvir replied politely. He was growing tired of the old man's sceptiscm.

"You grow weary of my cautious nature," It was not a question.

Veluvir bowed his head. "I apologize sir."

"You need not," The thousand year old man continued his pondering in silence for a few more moments. He made his decision. "Send the child in. You are dismissed."

Veluvir nodded and then retreated, a touch of pink colouring his cheeks. He got over his embarrasment quickly, and then sent the boy in as requested.

Pavelire made his way down the long hallway to the throne. A frail old man sat upon it, muttering to himself in a language that was unfamiliar to Pavelire. This time, the boy told himself, I'll be more confident. I won't whimper like I did in front of that wolf man. The man turned to look at Pavelire, and when their eyes met, Pavelire knew this was a man with incredible power.

"So you are the boy Veluvir found?"

"Yes," As an afterthought he added. "Sir."

The man lit up. "And with manners too! My name is Exordium. I am, esentially, your parents' boss."

Pavelire recoiled, but stayed silent. The man was watching him, waiting for a response. Pavelire chose his words carefully. "Exordium - sir - I thought my parents worked at the bank?"

The man blinked. "Was that intended to be a question, or a statement?"

Pavelire hesitated. "A statement?"

Exordium smacked his forehead in exasperation.

Pavelire corrected himself. "A statement! A statement sir."

Exordium nodded. "Up until now I didn't know that your parents had a child at all."

Pavelire started. "Really? They never told you?" Pavelire had only just met this man and already he knew he wouldn't dream of lying to him. He looked calm enough, but Pavelire had a feeling that it would be unwise to give him a reason to get upset with you.

Exordium shook his head. "And to think, I discover this when Veluvir is sent to punish them for something completely unrelated," He sighed. Veluvir tells me you can thought-speak as well.

Pavelire stared at the old man. His mouth hadn't moved, and yet Pavelire had heard the last sentence just as clear as the first, if not moreso. "What did you say?"

Ah. So it seems you can here me. But can you speak back?

Pavelire attempted to thought-speak. I think so.

The man sat up straighter in his chair and applauded. "Good, good! But don't say 'I think so'. You are either able or you are unable. If you had replied 'yes', then I would have heard it and believed you, or I would not have heard it and it would not matter what you had said."

Yes, I can thought-speak.

Exordium nodded. "Better."

"So, can you tell me what is going on?" Pavelire asked.

Exordium nodded again. "You are an Alirius."

"What?"

"Say 'pardon' or 'pardon me', not 'what'. Here I was thinking you had manners," He tutted.

"Sorry sir. Veluvir said that word too - Alirius, I mean - what does it mean? What is an Alirius?"

"Ah, I thought you might ask that. They all do. Alirius are a one-in-a-million species of human with special powers," His eyes glinted. "Simply put, you can become an animal at will."
 
In two days? With this inactive forum? I really wish that were so.

I was fishy about the prologue, but I know for certain that there's a few too many elements of Animorphs inside this fiction tale. In any case, I've still no clue who the boy's parents are and their purpose behind hiding Pavelire from the Alirius is, if the Alirius is all in a single organization, and what their purpose is. Fact is, you might as well have had the prologue and Chapter One merged as one. Logically structured, they just address the opening so why not?

That said, there's not much to work with here and pointing anything out to improve on would be difficult without destroying the current plot. I'll look forward to reading more.

Happy Writing,

Zyflair
 
It's a series, actually. It's got humans that can morph into animals, thought speak, pretty much everything you have with aliens mixed in as well.
 
...

Really?

...

That's disappointing.

May as well abandon this, then. Seems too similar. Apollo, you can lock this.
 
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