Writing Agent 34 - Chapter 2 is up!

nabby101

nabby101

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Hello Pokebeach!

I have been working on this story for a few weeks, and I am finally going to post it!

Ok, I will warn you right now there is guns and killing, so don't say I didn't warn you. I will try not to make it too graphic.

Also, I really dislike describing characters during the story, I find it takes away from the actual plot and all that, so I advise you to read the profiles first. I will update the profiles when new characters come into the story.

One more thing, this is being told from Yassen's point of view living in Russia.

Profiles:

Name: Yassen Didorov
Age: 8
Gender: Male
IQ (doesn't matter too much but...): 144
Where he/she lives: With his family, just outside of Moscow, Russia
Height/Weight: 4'2"/68 Ilbs.
Physical Appearance: Tall for his age, stocky, green eyes, blond cropped hair.
Personality: Intimaidating glare, quite clever, thinks a lot, therefore usually not going anything too stupid, sprints fast.
Relationships: Mikhail's brother, Nikolai and Valin's son.

Name: Mikhail Didorov
Age: 17
Gender: Male
IQ (doesn't matter too much but...): 141
Where he/she lives: With his family, but goes to university in New York City, USA
Height/Weight: 5'10"/164 Ilbs.
Physical Appearance: Smallish body, blue eyes, long light brown hair, always seems to be wearing track pants.
Personality: Short temper, not very emotional, pretty smart, very loyal to his family.
Relationships: Yassen's brother, Nikolai and Valin's son.

Name: Nikolai Didorov
Age: 41
Gender: Male
IQ (doesn't matter too much but...): 166
Where he/she lives: With his family
Height/Weight: 6'1"/184 Ilbs.
Physical Appearance: Intimidating, pretty fit, short sandy hair, hazel eyes.
Personality: A genius, quite agile, unfortunatly is away from home a lot on business trips.
Relationships: Yassen and Mikhail's father, Valin's husband.

Name: Valin Didorov
Age: 39
Gender: Female
IQ (doesn't matter too much but...): 133
Where he/she lives: With her family
Height/Weight: 5'10"/177 Ilbs.
Physical Appearance: Blue eyes, brown hair, wears reading glasses.
Personality: Very kind and loving, pretty emotional.
Relationships: Yassen and Mikhail's mother, Nikolai's husband.

Well, enjoy!

Prologue

I checked the dark blue alarm clock beside my bed. Who would be knocking on our front door at 2:30 AM? Disgusted from being woken up in the middle of the night, I rolled out of bed and made my way to the front door, past the oil paintings I honestly didn't know how we afforded to buy. I bumped into my Mom, who had evidently been doing the same thing. I mouthed the word 'Sorry' and we both walked down the stairs, wondering who it was. Mom opened the door, and saw two police officers, one probably in his late 20's, and one probably in his mid 40's.

"Mrs. Didorov?" The younger one asked softly. My mother nodded, and he continued, "I am afraid that your husband has died. A terrible helicopter crash. I'm terribly sorry."

My mother replied even quieter than the officer had, "Nikolai is dead?"
She started crying softly after the older officer nodded. I sprinted back to my room, more in shock than anything. I had just woken up to find out my dead is dead. I hit the speed dial button on my cell phone and waited while it rang. I talked with my older brother a lot, even though he was in University all the way in the USA.

"Hey bro! What's up?" Came Mikhail's cheerful response.

"Well, how shall I put this so it won’t shock you? Oh never mind! Dad is dead!" I exclaimed my fist clenched!

His easygoing tone turned into a scared, panicked one, "What? No! Really?"

"Yes. A helicopter crash apparently, but I don't believe it."

"I'll be there soon." I heard a beep, which meant his end had hung up.

I put the phone down and sighed, trying not to cry, and failing. I couldn't fall asleep all night, I kept thinking about the older Police officer. I had seen him before, but not as a Police officer. The next morning I woke up and got dressed automatically. I went out to the garden, and looked at the tomato plants, where I could always find my dad when he wasn't on his business trips. But Dad wasn't there. He was dead.

I saw the post truck pull into the driveway, but ignored it. I didn't really feel like getting the mail today. I didn't think Dad had had died in a helicopter accident, because... well he was always careful about that stuff, seatbelts and all. Before we would go on any plane trip at all, he would spend at least an hour checking over the plane. I always thought he would get arrested one day, but luckily he never did. It was the same thing with his job, it was always the same pilot, and he was qualified.

My thoughts were cut short by a jabbing pain in my back, and I turned around to see what was happening. Now I'm looking into the end of a pistol. Oh crud. The man was dressed in black, with a ski mask pulled over his face. He spoke slowly with an English accent.

"You will turn around and walk to that van. Now." He pointed at the post truck I had seen pulling in before.

I swallowed then nodded. I couldn't really refuse, since he was pointing a Baretti at me. A Baretti? How did I know that? The man grinned.

"You will fetch us some nice ransom money." The man said dreamily, and I saw something in his mouth reflected off the bright orange sun.

Ransom money? In exchange for me? My family wasn't very rich, therefore probably not able to pay much. So who would pay?

"2 Million dollars, I would bet." The man, who I had dubbed Silver Tooth, because of his silver false tooth said happily, and quicker than before.

2 Million! Who would care that much about me? I was very, confused. We were about 10 feet away from the van, and I began to lose hope, when I felt the jabbing go away! I turned slightly to face Silver Tooth, but he wasn't there. Then I gasped! Silver Tooth was sprawled out on the ground, the Barreti lying a few feet away! There was a bullet hole in his head, and blood pouring out of it, so I quickly turned and ran, shuddering at the sight.

Somehow he had been shot. I was no ordinary boy, and my father had been no ordinary businessman.

Hope you enjoyed it!
Thanks for viewing!
- nabby101
 
RE: Agent 34

Clear visible plot, so that's a plus.

However, you're falling under the clear indication of a rushed story. The events of the story run along very short paragraphs, the longest one a mere four lines. I think you can spend a little more effort than that. Keep trying.

~Zyflair
 
RE: Agent 34

OK, I will try to take more time for next chapter.
Thanks Zyflair!
Expect Chapter 1 tommorow or Wednesday.
 
RE: Agent 34

nabby101 said:
Mrs. Didorov?" The younger one asked softly. My mother nodded, and he continued, "I am afraid that your husband has died. A horrible helicoptor crash. I'm terribly sorry."

My mother replied even quieter than the officer had, "Nikolai is dead?"

She started crying softly after the older officer nodded. I sprinted back to my room, more in shock than anything. I had just woken up to find out my dead is dead. I hit the speed dial button on my cell phone and waited while it rang. I talked with my brother a lot, even though he was in University all the way in the USA.

"Hey bro! What's up?" Came Mikhail's cheerful response.

"Well, how shall I put this... Dad is dead!" I exclaimed!
Click to expand...
This entire part sounds really silly. That and there's too much paragraphs and it seems very rushed.

Otherwise though, an OK story.
 
RE: Agent 34

Well, I didn't take anything except his first name from that RPG.
Which I thought up of anyway.
@MagmaKing - Thanks, it was a little rushed, I will take more time on chapter 1.
 
RE: Agent 34

Ok, sorry for the lack of updates, I was editing a lot.
So here's Chapter 1.
BTW I also edited the Prologue.
Another BTW, I am not doing the Profiles anymore.


“C’mon Yassen! It’ll be good for you! Take your mind off Dad, he’s gone…” Mikhail had flown in this morning and was trying to convince me to play a game of paintball for 10 minutes already.

“Please Mikhail, I really don’t want to.”

“What’s the matter with you? You never turn down a game of paintball!”

I sighed; this could go on forever, “Oh fine. If it will make you happy.” I twisted off the stool I was sitting on and went downstairs to get my custom made paintball gun, which I adored. I picked it up along with a bunch of paintballs and loaded the gun. Even when it was fully loaded it was quite light, only about 7 pounds.

I walked back upstairs after grabbing a mask, and met by brother at the door. He looked exactly like me, except holding a different gun. I grinned. He was finally using the gun I got for him for his birthday. I was using a sniper, him an automatic machine gun model. We left the house and went around back, to the forest behind our house. “You ready?” I asked.

He nodded and we both went separate ways. After I had been jogging for about 3 minutes, I heard a loud whistler. Let the game begin!

I knew my brother would head for one of the edges of the forest, so I turned around and headed back to the center, my eyes darting each way, carefully watching for any movements. The center is a very vulnerable spot, but with only 2 people, it wasn’t quite as risky. I kelp to the bushes, not making any sound, scanning the area. I fired a shot into the air hoping that my brother might panic and give away his hiding spot, but nothing happened. I cursed to myself silently. It had been a big risk doing that and I had just given away my position, and lost one of my ten bullets. The forest was pretty big, a total of about 3 acres, but me and my brother knew it like the back of our hands and played paintball a lot. I heard a gun shot in front of me, and quickly turned around, my gun ready, then instantly swore and dropped to the ground, paintballs whizzing over my head!

I rolled to the cover of a bush. I had forgot my brother’s trick that he used a lot, where he would fire at a tree behind him and duck out of sight. Most people would turn around assuming the gunman was behind them, because of the shot angle. Then Mikhail would let loose, shooting at their backs. That clever trick had almost got me. Then I caught a glimpse of him, his shining blue eyes searching through the thick bushes, his smallish body hunched over. I grinned and fired twice at him, hitting him in the shoulder both times! He staggered back a bit and I could hear him cursing loudly as I sprinted away. He saw me and shot 3 times, one hitting me in the back. Darn! I thought, and ducked behind a tree. When I heard his footsteps going the other way, I sighed in relief and started pursuing him.

This cat and mouse game in the maze of 80-foot fir trees dragged on for another hour, until my brother finally conceded defeat. I smiled, out of breath, I was still undefeated! We walked back to the house together and put our gear away and sat down for dinner. Dinner was only beans and rice, since my Mom was too upset to make a proper dinner. I sighed, but ate it, and after I went to my bedroom and fell asleep.

Meanwhile, in an office building in downtown Moscow…

“You’re sending a what year old in?! You’re perfectly mad!” The 5-foot old Englishman asked in a louder tone than Mrs. Billany would have preferred.

He doesn’t know much about the industry, the younger woman, who was 27, thought, but answered a bit more politely. “Things work differently here in Russia. This isn’t the M16 anymore.”

The older man, who is known as Jim, scowled and muttered something under his breath about hating his job.

“No one forced you into this Jim.” The woman’s green eyes were partially ignoring him.

“That’s what you think.” Jim rolled his eyes then continued. “But, an 8 year old!”

“He’s more talented than our other 33 field agents combined. He just doesn’t know it.” This conversation was getting boring.


The older man didn’t give up. “Then how to you plan on getting him? An 8 year old, especially him in his situation, won’t allow himself to be taken away.”

“He will.” Natalie Billany gave Jim one last emotionless look, then turned back to a thick file marked “Agent 34”.

The older man dismissed it and went back to him own work, and the familiar tapping sound of computer keys once again filled the larger than needed office.

Woken up by a doorbell. Again. 4:00am this time! Geez, do people care at all about other people’s sleep? I climbed out of bed and walked down the long hallway. Expecting to see Mom, I turned the corner wearily, but she wasn’t there. I guess she decided to ignore whoever was here this time. I shrugged and continued to the door. I opened the door to see two more police officers. Puzzled, I asked them what they wanted. The older man, who had been here when they told us my Dad was dead, was silent as usual. A woman, who looked to be in her late thirties, spoke with obvious confidence in her voice. “Yassen, we need you to come with us.”

But I figured that was her mistake, only a few people knew me as Yassen. No police officer, or so I thought, would know my name. I had been taking Karate for 3 years, and I was already a black belt. I lashed out with a powerful kick! Nothing special, just a kick, but the man reacted as if it was his part in a play, blocking the kick without blinking, and sending me backwards. Astonished, I quickly got back up, but kept my distance from the pair.

“We don’t want to hurt you, but if you refuse, we will have no choice.” The woman said calmly, then continued. “We will give you one more chance.”

I was afraid of them, but my stubborn personality got the best of me. “Who are you?” I replied, trying to stall as long as I could.

Reluctantly, the woman answered. “Well, if it will help convince you… we are spies in a way.” She was getting impatient with me.

A deep voice came from the shadows somewhere behind me. “For spies, you sure don’t notice much, I have been standing here the whole time.”
It sounded like Mikhail, but then I dropped to the ground at the sound of the machine gun and wondered who it really was.
 
RE: Agent 34

Wow, this a whole lot better then the first one!
You did a great job, I can tell you worked hard!
I mean, you ended at the perfect spot, and with somuch detail, but not to much to overwhelme the reader, this is great!
 
RE: Agent 34

Thanks. I put a lot more detail into this one, then edited it because it was 5 pages long (at least). :p
 
RE: Agent 34

Hi, Nabby-dono
(okay, nabby, in japanese)
Yah, if you need some help with the next chapter, Im here for you.
(can you check the story I just pulished?)
 
Sorry for the double post, but here's chapter 2!

I heard the splatter of paint and laughed. It really was Mikhail! The two “officers” looked down at their vests and laughed as well. Mikhail had shot a paintball gun at them, wow. The older man finally spoke. “A paintball gun? How amusing.”

The woman replied sourly, “That wasn’t very amusing at all in my opinion.”

The man looked at her with a better nature, “You need to lighten up.”

I winked at Mikhail and sprinted up the stairs with my brother, and took my own paintball gun from his outstretched hand.

“The guns may not be real, but nonetheless they will leave a mark.” I said grinning, aiming my gun at them. They’re arguing had given me a chance to run and now they had less control.

My Mom had come out when she had heard arguing, and now she was standing at the top of the staircase, staring at the pair. She clenched her fist then asked between gritted teeth. “Who are you and what are you doing in my house?”

The woman didn’t answer but merely nodded at the man, who drew a gun out of his pocket. Mikhail and I simultaneously fired our guns, and they were covered in paint within seconds. Unaffected, the man shot his gun 3 times, one at each of us, hitting 2 of his targets. You know, it’s funny what amazing skills you get when your life is on the line. I was really mad now, and after I literally “dodged the bullet,” I rushed over to my Mom and Mikhail, who were unconscious but alive. Then I noticed that it wasn’t a bullet he had shot, it was a tranquilizer dart. I turned to look at him but I saw only the woman there, standing patiently, somehow.

I realized that the man must be coming up to get a closer shot, and I rolled out of the way just as another dart hit the floor. The man swore loudly a word I didn’t even want to know, and if I had a choice I would rather have not known about it at all. I knew my house well, but this guy was fast, and he had incredible aim! As I zigzagged my way through our house and out into the yard, I noticed something. This man was the sniper that had shot down Silver Tooth! It was then that I finally put 2 and 2 together, about these officers and the sniper and the kidnapping! But that brought up even more questions unfortunately, so I continued to run. I kept running around the yard, through the forest, and down to the river behind the forest.

Then I saw him again. He was wearing a wide grin and holding the gun with both hands. I looked at him for only half a second, and then rolled away again. He was expecting it, and fired at the ground, hitting me in the leg. Then everything went black.

I woke up and checked my watch; they moved fast, I had only been out an hour! I looked around to find myself in a luxurious hotel room, with expensive paintings much like the ones down the hallway at our house. Our house! My family! What happened to them? I asked myself, and immediately got out of the bed to find a way out. I looked then tried the door but found I was locked in, so I looked around for something to pick it with. I found a conveniently placed desk, and in one of the drawers some paper clips. I grinned; they had made a mistake of leaving those in here. I took a few of them and went back over to the door. I tried one, but it broke. I tried another, but it broke too. Disgusted, I threw the paper clips to the floor and once again stared at the door. What was that? I looked at it closer and found that one of the hinges was slightly off.

I stepped back a bit, then charged at the door, and kicked hard at the hinge. I looked at the ground it rolled helplessly to my feet. Perfect. I then threw my whole body at the door, and without the support of all the hinges, it broke down. I walked out and met a man who looked to only be a little more than half a foot taller than me. He said happily into a radio with an English accent, “Two minutes, 36 seconds! That’s a record!”

I looked at him, puzzled, then turned and ran the other way. Whoever he was, he was most likely not on my side. Then that stupid man showed up again. You remember, the silent one. I breathed in then charged at him with double the power that I had used to knock down the door. I was getting closer and closer to him, then at the last second I jumped right over him! I had gone right over his head, and I landed softly. He turned around and looked at me in awe, then spoke in shock. “Billany was right!”

I continued to the end of the hall but was met by a woman who was in her mid 20’s, and she was holding yet another gun, and spoke quickly. “Of course I was right.”

I stopped and raised my hands, then recognized her. “Wait. I know who you are. You’re Natalie Billany, the head of the Russian Secret Service.” I had seen her on the news.

She nodded and put her gun in her pocket. “And I know who you are. You’re Yassen Didorov, the savior of you’re school.”

I wasn’t surprised she knew that, it had been in newspapers all over Russia. Some crazy man had planted a bomb in the school, and I had found and disabled it. “What do you want with me?” I asked, my hands dropping back to my side.

“We want you to be a spy.” She replied, walking towards me.

“What!?” I asked, shocked! “Is that even legal? I’m only 8!”

She stopped and raised her eyebrows. “You don’t think you’re qualified? You disarmed a bomb, dodged 2 bullets from our best sniper, then proceeded to make him look stupid again, only an hour and a half later.”

The man was nowhere to be seen, he left once Natalie had started talking about him. I chuckled, “You are making him sound like a complete idiot.”

“You are going off topic.”

“What was the topic?” I shot back.

I saw her grin for the first time ever. “You have a smart mouth. I like that. I am asking you if you want to become a spy.”

“Well then why didn’t you just make an appointment with me and not bother going to all this trouble?” I asked, watching her expression.

“We needed to test you. If we had made an appointment, we wouldn’t know if you were any good at this. You just broke Fraj’s record for breaking out of that room by 3 minutes.” She said, matter-of-factly.

I contemplated it for a minute, and then told her my decision. “I don’t want to be a spy. But I do want to ask you a question before I leave. What really happened to my father?” I wanted to know that answer badly.


“Only when you become a spy will you find the answer.” She turned and left me alone in the hall, contemplating once again what I wanted to do with my life.

Hope you liked it!
 
Chapter three will be a complete success IMO. Keep up the good work, I'm not rushing you BTW.
 
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