So, if you're in the current mafia game, you probably noticed I haven't been around for the past few days. You can blame that on the below -- a script which I wrote over the course of a couple of days during the last couple of weeks and over the last few days performed in as Reverend Green. The basic premise is Cluedo -- though our cast only had 5 people in it because one of the members went on a holiday instead, so Professor Plum ended up being omitted. The whole idea of it was a one act play, but as a group we thought it'd be cool if it were only one scene as well. It's set around a single table, and on the table are 5 wine glasses: 2 have water in it, for Mrs. Peacock and Reverend Green, and the other 3 characters are all drinking vimto, which was meant to look like wine, but we're all 15 or 16. 
It was a whole lot of fun from start to finish, and I hope to do more extra-curricular drama in the future. I talked to @Jabberwock about it probably over a week ago and he was like "post the script in Ruins!", which is an awesome idea, so here it is!
Now, given the fact that this was very much an amateur production, this script will have a couple of typos here and there, and maybe even the wrong pronoun from time to time. During rehearsal we actually named a pencil the "pronoun pencil", though this is mainly because the Mrs. Peacock in this script was Mr. Plum in the final thing, as it was a girl who went on holiday and the original Professor Plum was the most expendable character. This also definitely isn't in the official structure of a script, because I have absolutely no clue what that is and just figured that if I go with a format and stay consistent with it it'd work. There were naturally a few edits made to the script and actions surrounding the script that happened during rehearsal, as is the case with any good play or scripted thing in general, but the characterisation and the pacing of the whole play wasn't really changed, and my main job as the writer is to get that right. I'll stop waffling on now, in any case.
Oh, and there are references to alcohol and another drug, so if you're like, 4, don't read it and taint your soul!
It was a whole lot of fun from start to finish, and I hope to do more extra-curricular drama in the future. I talked to @Jabberwock about it probably over a week ago and he was like "post the script in Ruins!", which is an awesome idea, so here it is!Now, given the fact that this was very much an amateur production, this script will have a couple of typos here and there, and maybe even the wrong pronoun from time to time. During rehearsal we actually named a pencil the "pronoun pencil", though this is mainly because the Mrs. Peacock in this script was Mr. Plum in the final thing, as it was a girl who went on holiday and the original Professor Plum was the most expendable character. This also definitely isn't in the official structure of a script, because I have absolutely no clue what that is and just figured that if I go with a format and stay consistent with it it'd work. There were naturally a few edits made to the script and actions surrounding the script that happened during rehearsal, as is the case with any good play or scripted thing in general, but the characterisation and the pacing of the whole play wasn't really changed, and my main job as the writer is to get that right. I'll stop waffling on now, in any case.
Oh, and there are references to alcohol and another drug, so if you're like, 4, don't read it and taint your soul!
<Peacock>Well come on then, who did it? There are only 6 of us in this godforsaken mansion – and one’s a dead body!
<White> Sure, Peacock, that’s gonna be useful. I’m sure whoever the murderer is is just gonna come out and confess to it right here and right now that you’ve asked that.
<Green> Well it’s better than nothing! Would you rather we just sit around and wait for more of us to die?
<Scarlet> Who says more of us are going to die? Why can’t uncle be the only one? The only way you could know that more of us are going to die is if you’re the one killing people!
<Peacock> Uncle? Miss Scarlet, you knew the deceased that well?
<White> That’s gotta give her more motive than anyone else!
<Mustard> EVERYBODY, calm down! We can’t wildly sling accusations around. Maybe more of us are going to die and maybe not – we don’t know what’s going to happen right now. The simple truth is that there is a dead body in this manor and we need to find out who did it so that we can report them to the appropriate authorities.
<White> Authorities..?
<Mustard> Of course you’d be afraid of that word, Miss White. You seem accustomed with death.
<White> Mustard, how dare you speak of that right now!
<Mustard> Well I think this fine audience deserves to know! *Motion to characters* They deserve to know about—
<Peacock> With all due respect, everybody has secrets. They need not be shared.
<Scarlet> How do you two know each other, anyway? You came together and now you’re sitting together, but the tension between you two is palpable.
<White> We’re just old friends. Mustard met with me during his work, and 10 years on we’re still happy in each other’s company, though he has a habit of judging past mistakes.
<Green> Past mistakes? A friendship of 10 years is nothing to laugh at, and you two must have bonded to no end during that time. What unholy act could you have possibly done to result in such dire strains being placed upon this robust a relationship?
<Mustard> Well, Mrs. White mentioned that we met through my work. You should know that this work--
<White> I swear to God--
<Green> HEY, don’t blashpheme!
<White> I’ll blaspheme as much as I want to! Mustard, if you dare to tell everyone else the secret of mine that you’ve kept for years our friendship is over.
<Mustard> Then let it be over. Your 6 years in jail weren’t for nothing, and it is clearly topical now! <White> That’s right… but you know that I’m not the same woman now as the one who was prosecuted all those years ago! Plus, I’m still on parole and no longer a juvenile – if I were to murder someone else I’d get sentenced to death! What reason--
<Scarlet> Did you just say “murder someone else”?
<White> Oh! I mean, yes, I suppose I did…
<Green> We’ve got a confirmed murderer in our midst already? Is this not case closed? <Mustard> Not quite. You see, my dear acquaintance here made an awful, tragic mistake when she was young and reckless. Fuelled by alcohol and emotional from a breakup, Billy Blush’s life was snuffed by a single brick.
<Peacock> And Miss White had the power to kill someone with just one blow?
<White> Again, not quite… it was dropped from a window… the first floor of the house party…
<Peacock> But that’s pure evil! How could you?
<Scarlet> Mrs. Peacock, she’s clearly still emotional! I insist we don’t question her on the matter too much!
<Green> But if she’s still this scarred about the act now, she needs to let go! Only then will the Lord truly forgive her for her vengeful acts of hatred. Prison is not enough!
[ASIDE] <White> Why, Colonel Mustard? Why would you publicise that which I have spent my entire life trying to hide? We’re hosted by a dead body and you bring up the dead and buried of the past? What could be his motive for this…
*Turns back to other characters* <White> I’ve mourned as much as I can for him anyway!
<Mustard> …though death lingers around Miss White, I have to say that I have difficulty believing she could have murdered yet again. She hasn’t been the same since she left prison. I must admit, her temper has entirely depleted.
<Peacock> Fine, I’ll take you at your word on that. I know people can change and I don’t want to hold Miss White to her past, however bloody it may be.
<Scarlet> In that case, I say we… get to know each other better. *Turns to look at Green* Tell me… have you got any secrets?
<Green> Not one. However, I believe you have brought up an excellent point. Besides name, I barely know any of you. Indulge us with your life’s stories. I, for one, am a priest, and from one of the strictest denominations known to Christianity. However, I believe in salvation for everyone! Even this heinous murderer… though uh, God doesn’t like people who kill priests. Please don’t…
<White> Damn, you nailed that desperate plea for your life, Green. How does a reverend like you get to know a dirty dealer like Black, anyway? <Green> He came to visit me at my church, as a matter of fact. He’d done wrong and he wanted to repent. He sought God’s forgiveness, and I assisted him on his journey. *Gets up in her face* If he’s such a dirty dealer, as you describe him, how have you come to know him?
<White> *Stands up to meet him* I’m just a simple schoolfriend of Mr. Black and nothing more! During school we were inseparable, and we hid nothing from each other. Both of us have sinned *Green pipes up, White shoots him down with a glare* and we have both forgiven each other too. Why I would even be interested in murdering Mr. Black I cannot fathom.
<Green> That seems like a convenient story. Of course his oldest friend would be less interested in murdering him. I have to wonder how legitimate that story really is.
<Scarlet> I can confirm Mrs. White’s story! I have seen pictures of her and uncle from their schooldays, alongside Professor Plum. *Green sits down* Speaking of the good professor, where is he, anyway? You two are basically joined at the hip!
<White> I’m afraid Professor Plum had prior commitments and couldn’t make it.
<Mustard> So without a known motive, Miss White probably isn’t the murderer.
<White>*Turns to look at Peacock, who stands to meet her* Tell me, how do you know Black? I’ve met with Miss Scarlet before and heard plenty of her promiscuity – he has never mentioned you!
<Peacock> Well, Madame murderer, I work as a teacher. A drama teacher, in fact. Mr. Black has been a critical investor in our school and is – well, was – one of the most respected governing bodies on the team. Financially, he alone saved the drama department, which employs only myself! Now that he’s gone… oh God… I’m going to be out of a job…
<Scarlet> That’s funny, though. Uncle talked often about the school, but the drama department never came up once.
<Peacock> I can’t imagine why that would be. He was integral to the community, so it’s strange that he’d shove such a time-consuming personal project of his under the rug.
<Mustard> Well, were his interactions with the rest of us familiar to you? It isn’t fair to accuse Mrs. Peacock of anything if you only know Miss White out of the other guests.
<Scarlet> I have met with Miss White plenty of times, and I’ve even seen the reverend in pictures with my uncle before, though I didn’t really know who he was before today. I am confident that I have never seen you with Uncle Black, however. Who exactly are you?
<Mustard> I’m a cop—
<Peacock> Wait--
<Scarlet> What?
<Peacock> *Glares at White* We uh… we were not aware that there was a member of the police force gracing our uh… our presence.
<Mustard> Why is this such a big deal? You lot are the most suspicious crowd I’ve ever met.
<Green> “The fear of the Lord prolongs life, but the years of the wicked will be shortened”. Your reactions are transparent. Confess to your sins.
<White> Reverend, that’s not exactly fair; there’s a dead body in the next room. It’s only natural to be anxious when you find out the service we could be calling is sat right here in this room!
<Green> I think it’s excellent that he’s here. Obviously all of us aren’t murders, and though it seems like all of you have something shameful to hide, the criminal needs to be brought to justice in this life!
<Scarlet> But no one’s just going to confess to a murder, so Mustard’s not going to be useful anyway!
<Peacock> STOP! We’ve been over this once before. As much as the enthusiasm is useful for finding this killer, we can’t keep going round in circles! We were actually getting somewhere and this tangent has gone on long enough!
<White> We need to know what Mustard's relation to Black is, anyway! It’s not like he knows every cop going. Why would he be in cahoots with a policeman at all? We all know Black well, so God knows he’s no angel.
<Green & Scarlet> HEY!
<Green> Stop blaspheming for gosh’s sake!
<Scarlet> And don’t talk about Uncle like that! He was a good man really!
<Mustard> If you guys are done, I’ll tell you the answer to the question! We worked together on a job, but I’m afraid that the investigation in question is still ongoing, so I can’t release further information.
<White> Well that’s a cop out! How serious could it be?
<Mustard> It relates to a young girl’s death, almost certainly a murder.
*Stunned Silence*
<Peacock> Why did Mr. Black think it would be a good idea to invite a murderer and a homicide detective to the same party? It’s like he was taunting death!
*Further Silence* <Peacock> It’s a valid observation! Seriously, someone talk. I can’t deal with silences, just, somebody please say something!
[ASIDE] <Green> Her soul is already tainted and her mind is plagued as a result. Whether she’s committed murder or not I do not know, but I’m certain divine retribution will befall her. I have nothing to say to the likes of Mrs. Peacock, a sinner through and through. Or at least, I need to keep up that image…
[ASIDE] <Peacock> Why won’t they talk!? I can see every single one of them clearly, staring at me with a venom in their irises. They all think I did it. I’m done for, the jig’s up!
[ASIDE] <Scarlet> I remember now! I know this woman and I’ve seen her before! I owe more to Mrs. Peacock than she could ever imagine, though I feel full of guilt stood here saying that. She’s never met me, yet this lipstick was bought with her desperation. I cannot reveal this yet, but she would never commit a real crime.
*Looks back to characters* <Scarlet> Well, I think it’s an excellent observation. My uncle is a man of calculated decisions and scheming. He’s not the kind of guy to send the invitation to random contacts in his phone. There is a reason for every one of us being here. It’s almost like he was expecting death.
<White> The man wanted death? That’s ridiculous and you know it!
<Mustard> Miss White… let the girl talk. She’s related to the deceased by blood, so she could know him better than we do…
<White> But she’s disrespecting the memory of Mr. Black! He would never wish his own death, and he definitely wouldn’t invite his oldest friends to face the aftermath!
<Mustard> It’s certainly a possibility, though! I’ve handled plenty of cases before where a man feels like someone has a clear enough motive to kill them that he keeps his dearest closest. He thinks they’ll do the right thing with his memory when he’s gone.
<Scarlet> And… look. *Pulls out a sheet of paper from her handbag* This is my uncle’s will…
<White> Let me see that! *Grabs it from her hand and starts reading*
<Green> How have you got that? It must be forged!
<Scarlet> Well, uncle had been spending a lot of money on having a man come round frequently. He wouldn’t tell me what it was for, but I was determined to find out – for his sake of course!
<Peacock> And that man was the attorney who was helping your father write his will, right?
<Scarlet> Right!
<Mustard> But why are you in possession of it now?
<Scarlet> Well… I wanted to see what was going on, so I asked him out for a meal. We went back to his place, we uh… you don’t need to know… and before he woke up I went for a little hunt around his office. On his will he evenly distributed all of his assets between the 5 of us stood here.
<White> But the will I’m holding right now leaves everything to you!
<Green> He’s left us nothing? *Grabs will and scans it briefly* You’ve forged it, haven’t you!?
<Scarlet> No! No… The attorney was corrupt, and I saw an opportunity. I’d never even heard of a Reverend Green or a Colonel Mustard, but my uncle was giving as much of his life’s earnings to them as he was to me! I just thought it was unfair, so I asked my dearest boyfriend to change a couple of things around
<White> And where is this attorney now? He needs to be reported! The will must be fixed!
<Scarlet> I’m sorry, but I don’t know. *giggles* I had one last night with him and then dumped him. I never even got his name.
<Green> Oh lord please have mercy on her soul! You can’t sleep with people outside of marriage! Especially so young!
<Peacock> No need to judge her; she’s a good person at heart. I can tell that much already! Anyone would have done the same thing in her position – we’re all as opportunistic as each other!
<Green> You can be opportunistic without being a—
*Thunder*
<Green> I mean, it’s still not OK. Live by the book!
<White> And I suppose you’ve never not lived by the book?
<Green> Of course I’ve never opposed God’s all-knowing and caring words! If I did I would lose my job and my entire life up to this point would be worthless!
<White> I don’t believe it’s possible for anyone—
<Mustard> *Friendlier tone* White… you should probably let it drop. We have no reason to suspect he murdered anyone.
<White> But we do know that he’s being an absolute bigot! *Green Shrugs* We have no real leads as to who here murdered Mr. Black, but Reverend Green could do with a lesson being learned!
<Mustard> Actually, I don’t think that’s true. Reverend Green is being elitist – I’ll give you that – but you just said we have no reason to believe anyone has murdered Mr. Black, when we have our prime suspect sat right over there! *Motions towards Miss Scarlet*.
<Scarlet> Me? What have I done to be your prime suspect?
<Mustard> You changed the will!
<Scarlet> …are you still on that?
<Green> Of course; people do cruel things for money! Besides Satan, money is the cruellest temptation Earth has!
<Scarlet> But I have money already, I don’t need any more! I’m only your prime suspect because I’m your only suspect – there are 4other people around this table, including you, who all have secrets surrounding their relationship with Mr. Black – I’m sure of it!
*everyone looks at each other nervously, besides Mustard, who is steadfast*
<Mustard> I suppose that’s true… But I’m not licensed to interrogate people involved in a murder just anywhere or any time I want to. How do you propose we get this information out of them? Since you’re with one who came up with this bright idea, I expect you to carry it through.
<Scarlet> But one of us here is the cop and the other one’s constantly trying not to be seen by them!
*Mustard motions that it’s a fair point*
*Another long pause*
<Peacock> Seriously, these silences are freaking me out! Do you people not get bored of… of being boring? This is a tragic event, so let’s keep the spirits up!
*Long pause*
<Peacock> ….REALLY? All this public speaking is drying my throat out… Reverend, do you mind?
*Picks up Green’s glass – Green visibly starts*
<Peacock> *Spits out drink back into glass and screams* What is that?
<Green> It’s water—
<Peacock> It’s vodka! I’ve been Tee-Total for over 600 days and you’ve just made me drink more alcohol!
<White> Alcohol? You’re supposed to be a priest!
<Mustard> But don’t forget, some Christians can drink alcohol.
<White> But Reverend Green said that he’s from “one of the strictest denominations known to Christianity”. He won’t be allowed to drink!
<Peacock> *Melodramatic* I only chose to drink from the Reverend’s cup because I thought it wouldn’t be tainted… my addiction is coming back to me already…
<Scarlet> *Glances at Peacock sympathetically and then stares at Green with anger* Look what you’ve done you unpious… pig! Why did you have alcohol anyway?
<Green> *Calm and collected* The Old Testament is all rubbish anyway. “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise” ~ Proverbs 20:1. I never have been known for my wisdom and nor for my piety. Why should I start with it now? Jesus is God incarnate, and he turned water into wine!
<White> That as it may be, your denominationis against alcohol, is it not?
<Green> It is, among many other things.
<White> And if it were found out that you are a drinker of alcohol, would you not lose your status immediately?
<Mustard> Oh..!
<Green> Yes, I would. This is why I don’t drink when in the company of anyone with a connection to my church. None of you even know where it is!
<White> But Mr. Black did, did he not? And I don’t recall you refilling your glass since the lights went out and he was murdered…
<Mustard> This is the motive we’ve been looking for!
<Green> What? You think I murdered someone over a sip of out of date grain? That’s absolutely ridiculous! I could never… I would never!
<Peacock> *quietly* …thou shalt not kill is in the Old Testament...
<Scarlet> Mrs. Peacock, what did you say?
<Peacock> I said “thou shalt not kill” is only in the Old Testament! *backs away from Green*
<Scarlet> My God— Hey, you normally react to that, Green!
<Green> What’s even the point anymore? You all know I’m an awful bishop now… but you can still call me Reverend Green!
<Scarlet> I’m pretty sure reverends don’t sin, so I disagree. Anyway, you’re absolutely right, Mrs. Peacock! And if he’s not against murder…
<Mustard> …then clearly he’s the one who committed the crime!
<Scarlet> Haha! I told you you were wrong about me!
[ASIDE] <Green> Dear Lord, now everyone else at this table thinks that I’m the one to have committed this most awful crime! I pray to you for forgiveness, that you will grace my soul with your holy light and protect me from the evil that the murderer at this table possesses. Lord, he is trying to frame me for that which I did not do, and my life on this Earth – and my life serving you – isn’t ready to be over yet. Lord, please grant me the power to come out of this manor alive!
[ASIDE] <Mustard> I don’t think the reverend has done wrong. He has drunk alcohol and is unfaithful, but this doesn’t mean he’s murdered someone. His motive is far too weak. White is the likeliest suspect. I adore her, but it wouldn’t be the first time she’s committed murder, and a part of me thinks it won’t be the last, either. We just don’t know why she chose tonight over any other to kill someone. And then on the other hand, *light shines on Scarlet as well* money is an infamously powerful motive for the worst crimes. Only I can cast this doubt on the others though – and convincing them is something I must do! Just… with time. For now, though, I want to chase up on something the alcoholicsaid.
<Mustard> Peacock, did you say earlier that your “addiction” is returning?
<Peacock> Did I? I don’t know why I would have done…
<Scarlet> We have found our murderer! Further persistent questioning of the guests here is unnecessary!
<Mustard> We have only found a strong suspect or two and nothing more. Please, pipe down.
<Scarlet> Just because I’m young don’t think I won’t—
<White> Carry on, Colonel.
<Mustard> Well, if Mrs. Peacock has been Tee-Total for almost 2 years, what other addictions are there? Gambling? On a teacher’s wage, I think not. Cigarettes? They are nothing to be ashamed of, especially in a job as stressful as teaching. I think it must be something more – something that could get her in trouble with the Governors of her school if it were found out, and Mr. Black was one of these people. And I’m willing to bet this addiction is in her bag, all of which were searched through at the door by Mr. Black himself.
<Peacock> No, but that’s not true! I meant my addiction to alcohol, obviously! That’s how me and Mr. Black first met!
<White> *Sarcastic* What, you met at alcoholism club?
<Peacock> Yes, kind of! We met at AA – or alcoholics anonymous.
<Green> The temptation of the devil… truly pitiful.
<Peacock> Oh, give up your act! You’re a murdering priest with as much piety as my right toe.
<Green> A murdering priest? Then I assume Colonel Mustard is wrong and you have nothing to hide in your bag?
*Peacock flinches*
<White> Then let’s open it up, just to make sure. Mustard’s theory is certainly plausible.
*Peacock clutches bag as Mustard starts to move towards it* *Freezeframe*
[ASIDE] <Scarlet> Oh, Mrs. Peacock… how did you get into this mess? It’s time for me to give the game up. This isn’t fair on her… but hopefully… hopefully she won’t hate me forever…
*End freezeframe*
<Scarlet> Enough! Stop trying to inflict the law on a ragtag bunch of criminals and get off your high horse! One of our basic human rights as civilians is to refuse a search at any given time, so Peacock has no obligation to let you see anything she has in there!
<White> Accomplices, the both of you! It matters not, anyway.
<Peacock> Wait, it doesn’t?
<White> Nope. After all, you said that you met Mr. Black at alcoholics anonymous. If the school found out that fact, you would be fired in a heartbeat. We can’t have you teaching kids hung over, after all.
<Scarlet> But Mrs. Peacock has seeked help and is now cured. Before the kind priest here decided to break his faith, Peacock hadn’t drunk in over 600 days!
[ASIDE] <Peacock> Why is Miss Scarlet helping me? I’ve never met her before in my life, but she is attacking my accusers with more zeal than I am! How can be so sure that I didn’t murder Mr. Black – and that I won’t murder her next? She’s putting herself at risk from all of the strong personalities in this room on my behalf, and it just isn’t fair. I need to repay her somehow, and the only way to do so is by being truly open... Yes, I need to reveal it, it’s fine.
<Peacock> Miss Scarlet is right! The school would have no issue with my alcohol-plagued past. However, they... they would have a problem with this.
*Pulls out a few green leaves with red/purple stems and shows them to the rest of the cast*
<Scarlet> No, don’t! They don’t need to know about it!
<Peacock> How do you know about it?
<Scarlet> Because you and I have been connected for much longer than you may know yourself. My long-term boyfriend – not all my side romances like uncle’s will attorney, of course – you.... well, you’re dependent on him.
<Peacock> Don’t tell me...!
<Scarlet> Yes... he’s your dealer.
<Mustard> Dealer?
<Green> You don’t mean that innocent plant is a drug?
<Peacock> Chat. Or, scientifically speaking, that word everyone relies on in Scrabble: QAT, Q-A-T.
<White> Even I’ve never heard of that.
<Scarlet> Exactly! But it’s still a drug, and an illegal one at that.
<Peacock> And as a result, I could be fired immediately for using it, not to mention wider repercussions... I could go to jail for repeat offenses!
<Green> Then why do you use it?
<Peacock> Well, teaching is a difficult, stressful job, and I’ve got ADHD. Without something to cool me off before and after lessons, the pressure of talking in front of students all day would start to really exhaust me.
<White> Then why would you go into such a high-tensity career in your position?
<Peacock> I didn’t know I had ADHD when I chose this path! My symptoms worsened during university, which is when I started using alcohol to tame it... I’m passionate about theatre and it’s my only qualification, but I know I’m not good enough for the big arenas and stages. I love my job, and I love the kids who I teach. Sometimes you just have to make small sacrifices to continue doing what you love in life, and that’s what this plant is to me. No one can deny that it’s better than alcohol!
<Green> Well we’re not in a position to judge. We haven’t seen you on it.
<Mustard> And laws are in place for a reason! It’s not your position to break them. I’m going to have to file a caution—
<Scarlet> Are you kidding me right now? Need I remind you that there is a DEAD BODY in the next room? Are we just ignoring this fact? Colonel Mustard, why are you filing charges against someone for having a Class-C on them when there’s a murderer in here as well? One of these offenses is a bit more of a priority.
<Green> Of course, both offenses could be connected! Need I remind you that the bags were searched at the door?
<White> And in an act of sudden desperation, in order to keep this use of “chat” a secret, Mrs. Peacock made a rash decision.
<Mustard> And she murdered Mr. Black. I’d say that this is case closed.
<Scarlet> And I disagree! We all know that Mrs. Peacock has plenty of motive for murder – just like I do – but I have to wonder why Reverend Green is here. Colonel Mustard’s theory makes sense, and I think that Mr. Black did want to keep those closest to him nearest to him while he felt under threat. What’s a priest doing here?
<Green> It doesn’t matter what kind of connections I had with your uncle, little girl! We have found our murderer. What I want to know is why you are defending her.
<Scarlet> Because I have been in the car while my boyfriend has made “deals” during his “business”, and as a result I know that Mrs. Peacock is one of the loveliest, most genuine people in the world, and is someone who would never be capable of murder. Why my uncle is inviting the local priest round to dinner parties with his oldest, most loyal friends and family I don’t know, and I also want to find out.
<Peacock> Yes! You must be the threat Colonel Mustard spoke of earlier, and we’re here to prosecute you!
<Mustard> I must admit, this does make sense. It warrants further inquiry, at the very least. What did Mr. Black confide to you while he was confessing?
<Green> Excuse me, do you really think I would share that which a helpless victim has confessed to me, seeking the merciful eyes of God?
<Mustard> When you consider that you’re a main suspect in a murder case then yes, I do expect you to confess!
<Green> Well forget it—
<White> No, you forget this act you’re putting up! You’re a sorry excuse for a priest, and this was clearly just a front for something more than that. Mrs. Peacock probably killed Mr. Black, but don’t think we’re gonna let you leave this manor without finding out your secret, too. You’ve been nothing but elitist since you entered this manor, and you’re going to leave it with a dose of reality.
<Green> And you think I need a dose of reality? Do you have any idea what it’s like being brought up into a religion which you don’t believe in – a religion which denounced your very own being and your own sense of self? Fine, I admit that my relationship with Mr. Black was more than basic friendship... He came to confess his sexuality, and he was afraid of how God would judge him! He articulated what I had been bottling up for my entire life and I was eternally grateful to him for it. Over his visits to church, we ended up bonding more and more, and...
<Scarlet> WHAT? Uncle was gay?
<Peacock> And you said your relationship was more than just friends...
<White> *Visible outrage* DON’T KEEP SPEAKING! Reverend Green, you’re... you’re lying! You have to be lying! This is unbelievable... if it’s unbelievable it’s not true! It can’t be true! Everything you’re saying... it’s all false.
<Mustard> What’s with this strong a reaction, Miss White?
<White> That’s Mrs. White! Mr. Black and I got married in private a couple of months ago!
<Scarlet> So uncle was having an affair?
<Green> Apparently! This is absolutely unbelievable! How did I never realise?
<Peacock> Wait, but who was he having the affair with? Obviously I know the two suspects, but this seems like news to both of them
<White> I’m his oldest friend and this blasphemous excuse for a human being is just the local dirty priest he picked up off the street! I think it’s absolutely clear who the paramour is here!
<Green> Except you were in jail 5 years ago, which is when I first met Mr. Black myself! We were physical before you were free!
<Peacock> So Mrs. White is the mistress. They started their relationship after he was dating Reverend Green.
<White> *Shout of anger* I’ve been played? I’m glad Mr. Black is dead now, he deserved it! His head smashed in like Melissa Mahogany’s was... the blood... it was a glorious sight!
<Scarlet> But it was Billy Blush who died!
<White> He was the first. Do you know how the police found out about who killed him?
<Mustard> It was an anonymous tip. We don’t actually know who it was ourselves.
<White> Well I’ll solve that little mystery for you then. It was Mr. Black himself. And how did he know who had killed that cheating prick?
<Scarlet> One of Mr. Black’s oldest friends told him, actually... I remember her well. She had a certain style about her. It exuded confidence like nothing else, and she seemed very righteous.
<White> Oh, righteous is how you’d describe her? Melissa Mahogany... she was a truly pitiful person. Obsessed about fashion and doing the “right thing”. I guess gossiping about my vulnerability was one of those “right things”, especially an information dealer like Black! I knew it’d be sold to the tabloids immediately, and I tried to stop it.
<Mustard> And you stopped it by killing Melissa Mahogany.
<White> Yes, I did. I suppose you’re gonna arrest me now?
<Mustard> I bet you’ve been wondering why I got close to you over all these years. A cop becoming friends with a convicted criminal – and a murderer at that? It’s a hilarious notion and one which I thought someone as clinically intelligent as yourself would have seen fault with immediately.
*Looks at White expecting her to speak, but she remains silent*
<Mustard> I always knew you killed Melissa Mahogany. Remember the case I mentioned at the beginning of the party, right after the murder? It’s her.
<White> And I always knew it was. I always knew you were the lead detective on the case as well. But I kept you close. I thought that if we were friends you would cover for me when you inevitably figured the truth out. I thought our friendship was something big, and I really like you. You telling all of the guests about the murder of Billy Blush so freely earlier on though... I realised that our friendship is never going to work. It feels so good to get this off my chest. It feels so good to finally be free of the tricks this secret has played on my conscience for my entire life.
<Mustard> Miss White, you are under arrest for the murder of Melissa Mahogany.
<White> Fine. I’ll be with Mr. Black in the afterlife soon... and on that note, I still didn’t kill him!
<Scarlet> Stop pretending! You’re a serial killer, you had clear motive for murdering my uncle, and you’ve killed two people with blunt instruments in the past, so you’re more than capable of it. This manor is full of random heavy things... lead pipes, spanners, candlesticks... we need to search for all of them at once!
<Green> Mrs. White was capable of murder, but Mrs. Peacock is the clear culprit. If she’s wandering around high all the time, she could’ve easily has a failure of judgement. It’s almost likelier that she did. She had motive too, don’t forget! Mr. Black had direct contact with her employers – in fact, he was one of them! Her job was in danger!
<Peacock> And your entire life up to this point was in danger! You had way more motive than me – Mr. Black could have told anyone about your sexuality and you would have been barred from practicing not only your religion but also prevented from going to work yourself! All of your friends and social networks would have been abolished if your secret got out!
<Mustard> That’s true. Plus, your relationship was clearly on the rocks if your boyfriend secretly got married to his mistress. You had to sense things weren’t quite right.
<Green> And I did! I realised it, but... I just didn’t want to believe it! I would never kill someone over some suspicions, anyway. “Thou shalt not kill” may only be in the Old Testament, but that doesn’t mean I think murder is in any way acceptable!
<White> And we can’t forget about Miss Scarlet’s obvious monetary gain which she is still getting from her uncle’s death. Her boyfriend was a drug dealer -- that’s obviously not gonna be a healthy home life. I think she wanted a way out, and her uncle’s death was the way to finance it.
<Scarlet> Now that Colonel Mustard has finally prosecuted Melissa’s killer, we all benefit from this murder somehow, so it’s not fair to say I’m the murderer because I happen to get the most! I also had the closest connections with the victim, so it’s natural that I would receive the most from his death! Family always comes first in inheritance anyway!
<Green> But your motive is different to the rest of us. My motive – and the motive of your apparent lifelong decadence fund Mrs. Peacock over there – are about preventing information getting out, while Mrs. White’s motive is much the same, with a substantial about of revenge thrown in there. You actually actively benefit from the death.
<Mustard> And I have to admit, you avid defence of Mrs. Peacock over the course of the night has been suspicious. It makes sense for the murderer to be able to have so much faith in somebody else that they didn’t murder, because they know who did it – themselves. All of the evidence just makes sense here... Miss Scarlet, you are under arrest—
<Peacock> STOP! Scarlet didn’t do it – she’s a victim in this case just as much as anyone else! The truth is that I did kill Mr. Black. I was the last guest to arrive, and as he hung my coat in the library I’m ashamed to say that I took the opportunity, with the spanner left on a table there. He knew about my drug use long before tonight, but last year nobody took drama as their GCSE option. It’s such a minor choice for them, but for me it was everything. I was being blackmailed by the host himself. He was benefiting from my dark past every day of his life and... it was just evil! But I had no choice but to play along. I can’t live on the benefits in this country... the job meant everything. Without students to teach, though, I couldn’t pay what was demanded of me. I knew that Mr. Black would stay true to his word, because my pitiful existence was no longer profitable to him. So that’s why I had to do it. I’m sorry, Miss Scarlet... after all the help you promised me tonight, I’ve backstabbed you with my own stupid acts. You must hate me.
<Scarlet> Not at all! In fact, I hope that we can be friends after all this is over, if you don’t hate me yourself. After all, my boyfriend has bought me many presents over the years, and I’ve accepted them all, knowing it was purchased with addiction and suffering – a lot of it coming from you.
<Mustard> This is a sad story, but I trust you know what must be done here, Mrs. Peacock?
<White> But... do you have to?
<Green> ...Yes, Mr. Black is dead, and I suppose it was a murder...
<Scarlet> ...But all of us have benefited majorly from it. Uncle was always a shallow, morally ambiguous man. I always believed that he could change and that underneath his callous exterior was a good heart, but to blackmail Mrs. Peacock for most of her money while knowing the rest is spent on her medication... disgusting.
<Mustard> And I suppose this has given me the lead in my main case. I can finally stop playing nice with Mrs. White, in fear of my life.
<White> The lifeless, soulless eyes dwelling within Mr. Black’s bludgeoned head was all I needed to have a happy death myself. The death penalty was always inevitable, but I never had the courage to kill someone in cold blood who I had so much history with. I was weak, and I’m grateful that Mrs. Peacock carried this through for me.
<Green> Plus, I’ve found out that he was a disgraceful cheat anyway. Our relationship was growing tiresome at best, but I couldn’t break up with him. He knew too much about me... now I’m finally able to escape from the dead romance! Though, my place in society is still in jeapordy... What happens at the party stays at the party, deal?
<White> Deal!
<Scarlet> Deal!
<Peacock> Deal! *Looks at Mustard apprehensively*
*Hesitates* <Mustard> Deal.
<Peacock> You... you’re really not going to arrest me, colonel?
<Mustard> As a police officer it’s my job to enforce the law, but... sometimes I just disagree too much with it. Your crime was fuelled by fear and nothing more. I don’t blame you... you’re free.
<White> I’m going to be given the death penalty anyway. I’ll confess to killing Mr. Black in court. How do you think he should go, with a knife in the conservatory?
<Scarlet> How about one of the candlesticks in the billiard room? <Green> I vote for the colonel’s revolver in the kitchen! Make it really interesting!
<Mustard> We’ll come up with an appropriate lie down at the station. Enjoy your freedom, Mrs. Peacock, and may none of us speak of this day again.
<White> Sure, Peacock, that’s gonna be useful. I’m sure whoever the murderer is is just gonna come out and confess to it right here and right now that you’ve asked that.
<Green> Well it’s better than nothing! Would you rather we just sit around and wait for more of us to die?
<Scarlet> Who says more of us are going to die? Why can’t uncle be the only one? The only way you could know that more of us are going to die is if you’re the one killing people!
<Peacock> Uncle? Miss Scarlet, you knew the deceased that well?
<White> That’s gotta give her more motive than anyone else!
<Mustard> EVERYBODY, calm down! We can’t wildly sling accusations around. Maybe more of us are going to die and maybe not – we don’t know what’s going to happen right now. The simple truth is that there is a dead body in this manor and we need to find out who did it so that we can report them to the appropriate authorities.
<White> Authorities..?
<Mustard> Of course you’d be afraid of that word, Miss White. You seem accustomed with death.
<White> Mustard, how dare you speak of that right now!
<Mustard> Well I think this fine audience deserves to know! *Motion to characters* They deserve to know about—
<Peacock> With all due respect, everybody has secrets. They need not be shared.
<Scarlet> How do you two know each other, anyway? You came together and now you’re sitting together, but the tension between you two is palpable.
<White> We’re just old friends. Mustard met with me during his work, and 10 years on we’re still happy in each other’s company, though he has a habit of judging past mistakes.
<Green> Past mistakes? A friendship of 10 years is nothing to laugh at, and you two must have bonded to no end during that time. What unholy act could you have possibly done to result in such dire strains being placed upon this robust a relationship?
<Mustard> Well, Mrs. White mentioned that we met through my work. You should know that this work--
<White> I swear to God--
<Green> HEY, don’t blashpheme!
<White> I’ll blaspheme as much as I want to! Mustard, if you dare to tell everyone else the secret of mine that you’ve kept for years our friendship is over.
<Mustard> Then let it be over. Your 6 years in jail weren’t for nothing, and it is clearly topical now! <White> That’s right… but you know that I’m not the same woman now as the one who was prosecuted all those years ago! Plus, I’m still on parole and no longer a juvenile – if I were to murder someone else I’d get sentenced to death! What reason--
<Scarlet> Did you just say “murder someone else”?
<White> Oh! I mean, yes, I suppose I did…
<Green> We’ve got a confirmed murderer in our midst already? Is this not case closed? <Mustard> Not quite. You see, my dear acquaintance here made an awful, tragic mistake when she was young and reckless. Fuelled by alcohol and emotional from a breakup, Billy Blush’s life was snuffed by a single brick.
<Peacock> And Miss White had the power to kill someone with just one blow?
<White> Again, not quite… it was dropped from a window… the first floor of the house party…
<Peacock> But that’s pure evil! How could you?
<Scarlet> Mrs. Peacock, she’s clearly still emotional! I insist we don’t question her on the matter too much!
<Green> But if she’s still this scarred about the act now, she needs to let go! Only then will the Lord truly forgive her for her vengeful acts of hatred. Prison is not enough!
[ASIDE] <White> Why, Colonel Mustard? Why would you publicise that which I have spent my entire life trying to hide? We’re hosted by a dead body and you bring up the dead and buried of the past? What could be his motive for this…
*Turns back to other characters* <White> I’ve mourned as much as I can for him anyway!
<Mustard> …though death lingers around Miss White, I have to say that I have difficulty believing she could have murdered yet again. She hasn’t been the same since she left prison. I must admit, her temper has entirely depleted.
<Peacock> Fine, I’ll take you at your word on that. I know people can change and I don’t want to hold Miss White to her past, however bloody it may be.
<Scarlet> In that case, I say we… get to know each other better. *Turns to look at Green* Tell me… have you got any secrets?
<Green> Not one. However, I believe you have brought up an excellent point. Besides name, I barely know any of you. Indulge us with your life’s stories. I, for one, am a priest, and from one of the strictest denominations known to Christianity. However, I believe in salvation for everyone! Even this heinous murderer… though uh, God doesn’t like people who kill priests. Please don’t…
<White> Damn, you nailed that desperate plea for your life, Green. How does a reverend like you get to know a dirty dealer like Black, anyway? <Green> He came to visit me at my church, as a matter of fact. He’d done wrong and he wanted to repent. He sought God’s forgiveness, and I assisted him on his journey. *Gets up in her face* If he’s such a dirty dealer, as you describe him, how have you come to know him?
<White> *Stands up to meet him* I’m just a simple schoolfriend of Mr. Black and nothing more! During school we were inseparable, and we hid nothing from each other. Both of us have sinned *Green pipes up, White shoots him down with a glare* and we have both forgiven each other too. Why I would even be interested in murdering Mr. Black I cannot fathom.
<Green> That seems like a convenient story. Of course his oldest friend would be less interested in murdering him. I have to wonder how legitimate that story really is.
<Scarlet> I can confirm Mrs. White’s story! I have seen pictures of her and uncle from their schooldays, alongside Professor Plum. *Green sits down* Speaking of the good professor, where is he, anyway? You two are basically joined at the hip!
<White> I’m afraid Professor Plum had prior commitments and couldn’t make it.
<Mustard> So without a known motive, Miss White probably isn’t the murderer.
<White>*Turns to look at Peacock, who stands to meet her* Tell me, how do you know Black? I’ve met with Miss Scarlet before and heard plenty of her promiscuity – he has never mentioned you!
<Peacock> Well, Madame murderer, I work as a teacher. A drama teacher, in fact. Mr. Black has been a critical investor in our school and is – well, was – one of the most respected governing bodies on the team. Financially, he alone saved the drama department, which employs only myself! Now that he’s gone… oh God… I’m going to be out of a job…
<Scarlet> That’s funny, though. Uncle talked often about the school, but the drama department never came up once.
<Peacock> I can’t imagine why that would be. He was integral to the community, so it’s strange that he’d shove such a time-consuming personal project of his under the rug.
<Mustard> Well, were his interactions with the rest of us familiar to you? It isn’t fair to accuse Mrs. Peacock of anything if you only know Miss White out of the other guests.
<Scarlet> I have met with Miss White plenty of times, and I’ve even seen the reverend in pictures with my uncle before, though I didn’t really know who he was before today. I am confident that I have never seen you with Uncle Black, however. Who exactly are you?
<Mustard> I’m a cop—
<Peacock> Wait--
<Scarlet> What?
<Peacock> *Glares at White* We uh… we were not aware that there was a member of the police force gracing our uh… our presence.
<Mustard> Why is this such a big deal? You lot are the most suspicious crowd I’ve ever met.
<Green> “The fear of the Lord prolongs life, but the years of the wicked will be shortened”. Your reactions are transparent. Confess to your sins.
<White> Reverend, that’s not exactly fair; there’s a dead body in the next room. It’s only natural to be anxious when you find out the service we could be calling is sat right here in this room!
<Green> I think it’s excellent that he’s here. Obviously all of us aren’t murders, and though it seems like all of you have something shameful to hide, the criminal needs to be brought to justice in this life!
<Scarlet> But no one’s just going to confess to a murder, so Mustard’s not going to be useful anyway!
<Peacock> STOP! We’ve been over this once before. As much as the enthusiasm is useful for finding this killer, we can’t keep going round in circles! We were actually getting somewhere and this tangent has gone on long enough!
<White> We need to know what Mustard's relation to Black is, anyway! It’s not like he knows every cop going. Why would he be in cahoots with a policeman at all? We all know Black well, so God knows he’s no angel.
<Green & Scarlet> HEY!
<Green> Stop blaspheming for gosh’s sake!
<Scarlet> And don’t talk about Uncle like that! He was a good man really!
<Mustard> If you guys are done, I’ll tell you the answer to the question! We worked together on a job, but I’m afraid that the investigation in question is still ongoing, so I can’t release further information.
<White> Well that’s a cop out! How serious could it be?
<Mustard> It relates to a young girl’s death, almost certainly a murder.
*Stunned Silence*
<Peacock> Why did Mr. Black think it would be a good idea to invite a murderer and a homicide detective to the same party? It’s like he was taunting death!
*Further Silence* <Peacock> It’s a valid observation! Seriously, someone talk. I can’t deal with silences, just, somebody please say something!
[ASIDE] <Green> Her soul is already tainted and her mind is plagued as a result. Whether she’s committed murder or not I do not know, but I’m certain divine retribution will befall her. I have nothing to say to the likes of Mrs. Peacock, a sinner through and through. Or at least, I need to keep up that image…
[ASIDE] <Peacock> Why won’t they talk!? I can see every single one of them clearly, staring at me with a venom in their irises. They all think I did it. I’m done for, the jig’s up!
[ASIDE] <Scarlet> I remember now! I know this woman and I’ve seen her before! I owe more to Mrs. Peacock than she could ever imagine, though I feel full of guilt stood here saying that. She’s never met me, yet this lipstick was bought with her desperation. I cannot reveal this yet, but she would never commit a real crime.
*Looks back to characters* <Scarlet> Well, I think it’s an excellent observation. My uncle is a man of calculated decisions and scheming. He’s not the kind of guy to send the invitation to random contacts in his phone. There is a reason for every one of us being here. It’s almost like he was expecting death.
<White> The man wanted death? That’s ridiculous and you know it!
<Mustard> Miss White… let the girl talk. She’s related to the deceased by blood, so she could know him better than we do…
<White> But she’s disrespecting the memory of Mr. Black! He would never wish his own death, and he definitely wouldn’t invite his oldest friends to face the aftermath!
<Mustard> It’s certainly a possibility, though! I’ve handled plenty of cases before where a man feels like someone has a clear enough motive to kill them that he keeps his dearest closest. He thinks they’ll do the right thing with his memory when he’s gone.
<Scarlet> And… look. *Pulls out a sheet of paper from her handbag* This is my uncle’s will…
<White> Let me see that! *Grabs it from her hand and starts reading*
<Green> How have you got that? It must be forged!
<Scarlet> Well, uncle had been spending a lot of money on having a man come round frequently. He wouldn’t tell me what it was for, but I was determined to find out – for his sake of course!
<Peacock> And that man was the attorney who was helping your father write his will, right?
<Scarlet> Right!
<Mustard> But why are you in possession of it now?
<Scarlet> Well… I wanted to see what was going on, so I asked him out for a meal. We went back to his place, we uh… you don’t need to know… and before he woke up I went for a little hunt around his office. On his will he evenly distributed all of his assets between the 5 of us stood here.
<White> But the will I’m holding right now leaves everything to you!
<Green> He’s left us nothing? *Grabs will and scans it briefly* You’ve forged it, haven’t you!?
<Scarlet> No! No… The attorney was corrupt, and I saw an opportunity. I’d never even heard of a Reverend Green or a Colonel Mustard, but my uncle was giving as much of his life’s earnings to them as he was to me! I just thought it was unfair, so I asked my dearest boyfriend to change a couple of things around
<White> And where is this attorney now? He needs to be reported! The will must be fixed!
<Scarlet> I’m sorry, but I don’t know. *giggles* I had one last night with him and then dumped him. I never even got his name.
<Green> Oh lord please have mercy on her soul! You can’t sleep with people outside of marriage! Especially so young!
<Peacock> No need to judge her; she’s a good person at heart. I can tell that much already! Anyone would have done the same thing in her position – we’re all as opportunistic as each other!
<Green> You can be opportunistic without being a—
*Thunder*
<Green> I mean, it’s still not OK. Live by the book!
<White> And I suppose you’ve never not lived by the book?
<Green> Of course I’ve never opposed God’s all-knowing and caring words! If I did I would lose my job and my entire life up to this point would be worthless!
<White> I don’t believe it’s possible for anyone—
<Mustard> *Friendlier tone* White… you should probably let it drop. We have no reason to suspect he murdered anyone.
<White> But we do know that he’s being an absolute bigot! *Green Shrugs* We have no real leads as to who here murdered Mr. Black, but Reverend Green could do with a lesson being learned!
<Mustard> Actually, I don’t think that’s true. Reverend Green is being elitist – I’ll give you that – but you just said we have no reason to believe anyone has murdered Mr. Black, when we have our prime suspect sat right over there! *Motions towards Miss Scarlet*.
<Scarlet> Me? What have I done to be your prime suspect?
<Mustard> You changed the will!
<Scarlet> …are you still on that?
<Green> Of course; people do cruel things for money! Besides Satan, money is the cruellest temptation Earth has!
<Scarlet> But I have money already, I don’t need any more! I’m only your prime suspect because I’m your only suspect – there are 4other people around this table, including you, who all have secrets surrounding their relationship with Mr. Black – I’m sure of it!
*everyone looks at each other nervously, besides Mustard, who is steadfast*
<Mustard> I suppose that’s true… But I’m not licensed to interrogate people involved in a murder just anywhere or any time I want to. How do you propose we get this information out of them? Since you’re with one who came up with this bright idea, I expect you to carry it through.
<Scarlet> But one of us here is the cop and the other one’s constantly trying not to be seen by them!
*Mustard motions that it’s a fair point*
*Another long pause*
<Peacock> Seriously, these silences are freaking me out! Do you people not get bored of… of being boring? This is a tragic event, so let’s keep the spirits up!
*Long pause*
<Peacock> ….REALLY? All this public speaking is drying my throat out… Reverend, do you mind?
*Picks up Green’s glass – Green visibly starts*
<Peacock> *Spits out drink back into glass and screams* What is that?
<Green> It’s water—
<Peacock> It’s vodka! I’ve been Tee-Total for over 600 days and you’ve just made me drink more alcohol!
<White> Alcohol? You’re supposed to be a priest!
<Mustard> But don’t forget, some Christians can drink alcohol.
<White> But Reverend Green said that he’s from “one of the strictest denominations known to Christianity”. He won’t be allowed to drink!
<Peacock> *Melodramatic* I only chose to drink from the Reverend’s cup because I thought it wouldn’t be tainted… my addiction is coming back to me already…
<Scarlet> *Glances at Peacock sympathetically and then stares at Green with anger* Look what you’ve done you unpious… pig! Why did you have alcohol anyway?
<Green> *Calm and collected* The Old Testament is all rubbish anyway. “Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise” ~ Proverbs 20:1. I never have been known for my wisdom and nor for my piety. Why should I start with it now? Jesus is God incarnate, and he turned water into wine!
<White> That as it may be, your denominationis against alcohol, is it not?
<Green> It is, among many other things.
<White> And if it were found out that you are a drinker of alcohol, would you not lose your status immediately?
<Mustard> Oh..!
<Green> Yes, I would. This is why I don’t drink when in the company of anyone with a connection to my church. None of you even know where it is!
<White> But Mr. Black did, did he not? And I don’t recall you refilling your glass since the lights went out and he was murdered…
<Mustard> This is the motive we’ve been looking for!
<Green> What? You think I murdered someone over a sip of out of date grain? That’s absolutely ridiculous! I could never… I would never!
<Peacock> *quietly* …thou shalt not kill is in the Old Testament...
<Scarlet> Mrs. Peacock, what did you say?
<Peacock> I said “thou shalt not kill” is only in the Old Testament! *backs away from Green*
<Scarlet> My God— Hey, you normally react to that, Green!
<Green> What’s even the point anymore? You all know I’m an awful bishop now… but you can still call me Reverend Green!
<Scarlet> I’m pretty sure reverends don’t sin, so I disagree. Anyway, you’re absolutely right, Mrs. Peacock! And if he’s not against murder…
<Mustard> …then clearly he’s the one who committed the crime!
<Scarlet> Haha! I told you you were wrong about me!
[ASIDE] <Green> Dear Lord, now everyone else at this table thinks that I’m the one to have committed this most awful crime! I pray to you for forgiveness, that you will grace my soul with your holy light and protect me from the evil that the murderer at this table possesses. Lord, he is trying to frame me for that which I did not do, and my life on this Earth – and my life serving you – isn’t ready to be over yet. Lord, please grant me the power to come out of this manor alive!
[ASIDE] <Mustard> I don’t think the reverend has done wrong. He has drunk alcohol and is unfaithful, but this doesn’t mean he’s murdered someone. His motive is far too weak. White is the likeliest suspect. I adore her, but it wouldn’t be the first time she’s committed murder, and a part of me thinks it won’t be the last, either. We just don’t know why she chose tonight over any other to kill someone. And then on the other hand, *light shines on Scarlet as well* money is an infamously powerful motive for the worst crimes. Only I can cast this doubt on the others though – and convincing them is something I must do! Just… with time. For now, though, I want to chase up on something the alcoholicsaid.
<Mustard> Peacock, did you say earlier that your “addiction” is returning?
<Peacock> Did I? I don’t know why I would have done…
<Scarlet> We have found our murderer! Further persistent questioning of the guests here is unnecessary!
<Mustard> We have only found a strong suspect or two and nothing more. Please, pipe down.
<Scarlet> Just because I’m young don’t think I won’t—
<White> Carry on, Colonel.
<Mustard> Well, if Mrs. Peacock has been Tee-Total for almost 2 years, what other addictions are there? Gambling? On a teacher’s wage, I think not. Cigarettes? They are nothing to be ashamed of, especially in a job as stressful as teaching. I think it must be something more – something that could get her in trouble with the Governors of her school if it were found out, and Mr. Black was one of these people. And I’m willing to bet this addiction is in her bag, all of which were searched through at the door by Mr. Black himself.
<Peacock> No, but that’s not true! I meant my addiction to alcohol, obviously! That’s how me and Mr. Black first met!
<White> *Sarcastic* What, you met at alcoholism club?
<Peacock> Yes, kind of! We met at AA – or alcoholics anonymous.
<Green> The temptation of the devil… truly pitiful.
<Peacock> Oh, give up your act! You’re a murdering priest with as much piety as my right toe.
<Green> A murdering priest? Then I assume Colonel Mustard is wrong and you have nothing to hide in your bag?
*Peacock flinches*
<White> Then let’s open it up, just to make sure. Mustard’s theory is certainly plausible.
*Peacock clutches bag as Mustard starts to move towards it* *Freezeframe*
[ASIDE] <Scarlet> Oh, Mrs. Peacock… how did you get into this mess? It’s time for me to give the game up. This isn’t fair on her… but hopefully… hopefully she won’t hate me forever…
*End freezeframe*
<Scarlet> Enough! Stop trying to inflict the law on a ragtag bunch of criminals and get off your high horse! One of our basic human rights as civilians is to refuse a search at any given time, so Peacock has no obligation to let you see anything she has in there!
<White> Accomplices, the both of you! It matters not, anyway.
<Peacock> Wait, it doesn’t?
<White> Nope. After all, you said that you met Mr. Black at alcoholics anonymous. If the school found out that fact, you would be fired in a heartbeat. We can’t have you teaching kids hung over, after all.
<Scarlet> But Mrs. Peacock has seeked help and is now cured. Before the kind priest here decided to break his faith, Peacock hadn’t drunk in over 600 days!
[ASIDE] <Peacock> Why is Miss Scarlet helping me? I’ve never met her before in my life, but she is attacking my accusers with more zeal than I am! How can be so sure that I didn’t murder Mr. Black – and that I won’t murder her next? She’s putting herself at risk from all of the strong personalities in this room on my behalf, and it just isn’t fair. I need to repay her somehow, and the only way to do so is by being truly open... Yes, I need to reveal it, it’s fine.
<Peacock> Miss Scarlet is right! The school would have no issue with my alcohol-plagued past. However, they... they would have a problem with this.
*Pulls out a few green leaves with red/purple stems and shows them to the rest of the cast*
<Scarlet> No, don’t! They don’t need to know about it!
<Peacock> How do you know about it?
<Scarlet> Because you and I have been connected for much longer than you may know yourself. My long-term boyfriend – not all my side romances like uncle’s will attorney, of course – you.... well, you’re dependent on him.
<Peacock> Don’t tell me...!
<Scarlet> Yes... he’s your dealer.
<Mustard> Dealer?
<Green> You don’t mean that innocent plant is a drug?
<Peacock> Chat. Or, scientifically speaking, that word everyone relies on in Scrabble: QAT, Q-A-T.
<White> Even I’ve never heard of that.
<Scarlet> Exactly! But it’s still a drug, and an illegal one at that.
<Peacock> And as a result, I could be fired immediately for using it, not to mention wider repercussions... I could go to jail for repeat offenses!
<Green> Then why do you use it?
<Peacock> Well, teaching is a difficult, stressful job, and I’ve got ADHD. Without something to cool me off before and after lessons, the pressure of talking in front of students all day would start to really exhaust me.
<White> Then why would you go into such a high-tensity career in your position?
<Peacock> I didn’t know I had ADHD when I chose this path! My symptoms worsened during university, which is when I started using alcohol to tame it... I’m passionate about theatre and it’s my only qualification, but I know I’m not good enough for the big arenas and stages. I love my job, and I love the kids who I teach. Sometimes you just have to make small sacrifices to continue doing what you love in life, and that’s what this plant is to me. No one can deny that it’s better than alcohol!
<Green> Well we’re not in a position to judge. We haven’t seen you on it.
<Mustard> And laws are in place for a reason! It’s not your position to break them. I’m going to have to file a caution—
<Scarlet> Are you kidding me right now? Need I remind you that there is a DEAD BODY in the next room? Are we just ignoring this fact? Colonel Mustard, why are you filing charges against someone for having a Class-C on them when there’s a murderer in here as well? One of these offenses is a bit more of a priority.
<Green> Of course, both offenses could be connected! Need I remind you that the bags were searched at the door?
<White> And in an act of sudden desperation, in order to keep this use of “chat” a secret, Mrs. Peacock made a rash decision.
<Mustard> And she murdered Mr. Black. I’d say that this is case closed.
<Scarlet> And I disagree! We all know that Mrs. Peacock has plenty of motive for murder – just like I do – but I have to wonder why Reverend Green is here. Colonel Mustard’s theory makes sense, and I think that Mr. Black did want to keep those closest to him nearest to him while he felt under threat. What’s a priest doing here?
<Green> It doesn’t matter what kind of connections I had with your uncle, little girl! We have found our murderer. What I want to know is why you are defending her.
<Scarlet> Because I have been in the car while my boyfriend has made “deals” during his “business”, and as a result I know that Mrs. Peacock is one of the loveliest, most genuine people in the world, and is someone who would never be capable of murder. Why my uncle is inviting the local priest round to dinner parties with his oldest, most loyal friends and family I don’t know, and I also want to find out.
<Peacock> Yes! You must be the threat Colonel Mustard spoke of earlier, and we’re here to prosecute you!
<Mustard> I must admit, this does make sense. It warrants further inquiry, at the very least. What did Mr. Black confide to you while he was confessing?
<Green> Excuse me, do you really think I would share that which a helpless victim has confessed to me, seeking the merciful eyes of God?
<Mustard> When you consider that you’re a main suspect in a murder case then yes, I do expect you to confess!
<Green> Well forget it—
<White> No, you forget this act you’re putting up! You’re a sorry excuse for a priest, and this was clearly just a front for something more than that. Mrs. Peacock probably killed Mr. Black, but don’t think we’re gonna let you leave this manor without finding out your secret, too. You’ve been nothing but elitist since you entered this manor, and you’re going to leave it with a dose of reality.
<Green> And you think I need a dose of reality? Do you have any idea what it’s like being brought up into a religion which you don’t believe in – a religion which denounced your very own being and your own sense of self? Fine, I admit that my relationship with Mr. Black was more than basic friendship... He came to confess his sexuality, and he was afraid of how God would judge him! He articulated what I had been bottling up for my entire life and I was eternally grateful to him for it. Over his visits to church, we ended up bonding more and more, and...
<Scarlet> WHAT? Uncle was gay?
<Peacock> And you said your relationship was more than just friends...
<White> *Visible outrage* DON’T KEEP SPEAKING! Reverend Green, you’re... you’re lying! You have to be lying! This is unbelievable... if it’s unbelievable it’s not true! It can’t be true! Everything you’re saying... it’s all false.
<Mustard> What’s with this strong a reaction, Miss White?
<White> That’s Mrs. White! Mr. Black and I got married in private a couple of months ago!
<Scarlet> So uncle was having an affair?
<Green> Apparently! This is absolutely unbelievable! How did I never realise?
<Peacock> Wait, but who was he having the affair with? Obviously I know the two suspects, but this seems like news to both of them
<White> I’m his oldest friend and this blasphemous excuse for a human being is just the local dirty priest he picked up off the street! I think it’s absolutely clear who the paramour is here!
<Green> Except you were in jail 5 years ago, which is when I first met Mr. Black myself! We were physical before you were free!
<Peacock> So Mrs. White is the mistress. They started their relationship after he was dating Reverend Green.
<White> *Shout of anger* I’ve been played? I’m glad Mr. Black is dead now, he deserved it! His head smashed in like Melissa Mahogany’s was... the blood... it was a glorious sight!
<Scarlet> But it was Billy Blush who died!
<White> He was the first. Do you know how the police found out about who killed him?
<Mustard> It was an anonymous tip. We don’t actually know who it was ourselves.
<White> Well I’ll solve that little mystery for you then. It was Mr. Black himself. And how did he know who had killed that cheating prick?
<Scarlet> One of Mr. Black’s oldest friends told him, actually... I remember her well. She had a certain style about her. It exuded confidence like nothing else, and she seemed very righteous.
<White> Oh, righteous is how you’d describe her? Melissa Mahogany... she was a truly pitiful person. Obsessed about fashion and doing the “right thing”. I guess gossiping about my vulnerability was one of those “right things”, especially an information dealer like Black! I knew it’d be sold to the tabloids immediately, and I tried to stop it.
<Mustard> And you stopped it by killing Melissa Mahogany.
<White> Yes, I did. I suppose you’re gonna arrest me now?
<Mustard> I bet you’ve been wondering why I got close to you over all these years. A cop becoming friends with a convicted criminal – and a murderer at that? It’s a hilarious notion and one which I thought someone as clinically intelligent as yourself would have seen fault with immediately.
*Looks at White expecting her to speak, but she remains silent*
<Mustard> I always knew you killed Melissa Mahogany. Remember the case I mentioned at the beginning of the party, right after the murder? It’s her.
<White> And I always knew it was. I always knew you were the lead detective on the case as well. But I kept you close. I thought that if we were friends you would cover for me when you inevitably figured the truth out. I thought our friendship was something big, and I really like you. You telling all of the guests about the murder of Billy Blush so freely earlier on though... I realised that our friendship is never going to work. It feels so good to get this off my chest. It feels so good to finally be free of the tricks this secret has played on my conscience for my entire life.
<Mustard> Miss White, you are under arrest for the murder of Melissa Mahogany.
<White> Fine. I’ll be with Mr. Black in the afterlife soon... and on that note, I still didn’t kill him!
<Scarlet> Stop pretending! You’re a serial killer, you had clear motive for murdering my uncle, and you’ve killed two people with blunt instruments in the past, so you’re more than capable of it. This manor is full of random heavy things... lead pipes, spanners, candlesticks... we need to search for all of them at once!
<Green> Mrs. White was capable of murder, but Mrs. Peacock is the clear culprit. If she’s wandering around high all the time, she could’ve easily has a failure of judgement. It’s almost likelier that she did. She had motive too, don’t forget! Mr. Black had direct contact with her employers – in fact, he was one of them! Her job was in danger!
<Peacock> And your entire life up to this point was in danger! You had way more motive than me – Mr. Black could have told anyone about your sexuality and you would have been barred from practicing not only your religion but also prevented from going to work yourself! All of your friends and social networks would have been abolished if your secret got out!
<Mustard> That’s true. Plus, your relationship was clearly on the rocks if your boyfriend secretly got married to his mistress. You had to sense things weren’t quite right.
<Green> And I did! I realised it, but... I just didn’t want to believe it! I would never kill someone over some suspicions, anyway. “Thou shalt not kill” may only be in the Old Testament, but that doesn’t mean I think murder is in any way acceptable!
<White> And we can’t forget about Miss Scarlet’s obvious monetary gain which she is still getting from her uncle’s death. Her boyfriend was a drug dealer -- that’s obviously not gonna be a healthy home life. I think she wanted a way out, and her uncle’s death was the way to finance it.
<Scarlet> Now that Colonel Mustard has finally prosecuted Melissa’s killer, we all benefit from this murder somehow, so it’s not fair to say I’m the murderer because I happen to get the most! I also had the closest connections with the victim, so it’s natural that I would receive the most from his death! Family always comes first in inheritance anyway!
<Green> But your motive is different to the rest of us. My motive – and the motive of your apparent lifelong decadence fund Mrs. Peacock over there – are about preventing information getting out, while Mrs. White’s motive is much the same, with a substantial about of revenge thrown in there. You actually actively benefit from the death.
<Mustard> And I have to admit, you avid defence of Mrs. Peacock over the course of the night has been suspicious. It makes sense for the murderer to be able to have so much faith in somebody else that they didn’t murder, because they know who did it – themselves. All of the evidence just makes sense here... Miss Scarlet, you are under arrest—
<Peacock> STOP! Scarlet didn’t do it – she’s a victim in this case just as much as anyone else! The truth is that I did kill Mr. Black. I was the last guest to arrive, and as he hung my coat in the library I’m ashamed to say that I took the opportunity, with the spanner left on a table there. He knew about my drug use long before tonight, but last year nobody took drama as their GCSE option. It’s such a minor choice for them, but for me it was everything. I was being blackmailed by the host himself. He was benefiting from my dark past every day of his life and... it was just evil! But I had no choice but to play along. I can’t live on the benefits in this country... the job meant everything. Without students to teach, though, I couldn’t pay what was demanded of me. I knew that Mr. Black would stay true to his word, because my pitiful existence was no longer profitable to him. So that’s why I had to do it. I’m sorry, Miss Scarlet... after all the help you promised me tonight, I’ve backstabbed you with my own stupid acts. You must hate me.
<Scarlet> Not at all! In fact, I hope that we can be friends after all this is over, if you don’t hate me yourself. After all, my boyfriend has bought me many presents over the years, and I’ve accepted them all, knowing it was purchased with addiction and suffering – a lot of it coming from you.
<Mustard> This is a sad story, but I trust you know what must be done here, Mrs. Peacock?
<White> But... do you have to?
<Green> ...Yes, Mr. Black is dead, and I suppose it was a murder...
<Scarlet> ...But all of us have benefited majorly from it. Uncle was always a shallow, morally ambiguous man. I always believed that he could change and that underneath his callous exterior was a good heart, but to blackmail Mrs. Peacock for most of her money while knowing the rest is spent on her medication... disgusting.
<Mustard> And I suppose this has given me the lead in my main case. I can finally stop playing nice with Mrs. White, in fear of my life.
<White> The lifeless, soulless eyes dwelling within Mr. Black’s bludgeoned head was all I needed to have a happy death myself. The death penalty was always inevitable, but I never had the courage to kill someone in cold blood who I had so much history with. I was weak, and I’m grateful that Mrs. Peacock carried this through for me.
<Green> Plus, I’ve found out that he was a disgraceful cheat anyway. Our relationship was growing tiresome at best, but I couldn’t break up with him. He knew too much about me... now I’m finally able to escape from the dead romance! Though, my place in society is still in jeapordy... What happens at the party stays at the party, deal?
<White> Deal!
<Scarlet> Deal!
<Peacock> Deal! *Looks at Mustard apprehensively*
*Hesitates* <Mustard> Deal.
<Peacock> You... you’re really not going to arrest me, colonel?
<Mustard> As a police officer it’s my job to enforce the law, but... sometimes I just disagree too much with it. Your crime was fuelled by fear and nothing more. I don’t blame you... you’re free.
<White> I’m going to be given the death penalty anyway. I’ll confess to killing Mr. Black in court. How do you think he should go, with a knife in the conservatory?
<Scarlet> How about one of the candlesticks in the billiard room? <Green> I vote for the colonel’s revolver in the kitchen! Make it really interesting!
<Mustard> We’ll come up with an appropriate lie down at the station. Enjoy your freedom, Mrs. Peacock, and may none of us speak of this day again.