Writing Dawn--Goddess of Pokemon (PG-13)

Do you like my story ?

  • It's awesome

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • It needs work

    Votes: 5 35.7%

  • No work can ever fix this, this is so bad even Microsoft could do better

    Votes: 9 64.3%
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StarlightSearcher

StarlightSearcher

The Blonde Brainiac
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Mild Pearlshipping, but nothing severally serious. Rated PG-13 for violence in the beginning​

Chapter 1--Sinnoh

Dawn and Ash came back to Velistone for Dawn's GF. On the way to the stadium, they get approached by a scientist who made a time machine. He has set it to the "beginning of time" and went out of his Lab to meet Dawn and Ash. He lead them to the room where the time machine was. He gently pushed Dawn and Ash into the machine. They got warped to the time where the world was being created. Up on a high cliff, stood Aruces. Dawn secertly climbed the cliff and suprised Aruces. They scrapped a bit before Dawn scratched Aruces in the neck. As Aruces slumped down, Dawn soon began to rise up in the air
"Dawn, what's happening?" Ash shouted
"I don't know, I feel funny" Dawn replied. Dawn raised her hand and a mountain appeared. Startled, she dropped her hand, so did the mountain. Dawn had gained all of Arcues's powers. So techinically, Dawn became the godess of Pokemon. As they ventured back into the present, the present changed dramatically. Unknown to Dawn, killing Aruces made her the godess of the Poke-verse. Dawn set up her palace at the Indigo Plateau. She called it the Kingdom of Heavens. No one stood up to her authority as she soon began to increase her empire. Kanto fell and so did Johto. Wallace, the Hoenn E4 Champion stepped up the defense around Hoenn's border. Unknown to Wallace, he'll be hypnotized into giving up the region to Dawn's ever-growing empire

END Chapter 1!
 
Stop... no... just stop writing this any further if you don't want to listen to my advice and follow it.

Truth: If this is how you decide to make your further "chapters", then don't. This is appalling.

Why and how to fix them: There are a numerous multitude of reasons as to why this a tremendous failure. I'll make an attempt to list as many as I can.

• Its ridiculously too short. You call this a chapter? A CHAPTER? Buddy, this is a freakin' paragraph. Open up any good novel and you'll find a chapter is many pages long. Considering that this will contain "PG-13" material, you should make it lengthy enough to suit a person that is thirteen and older. Heck, even if you look at a second grader's chapter book, I'm sure you'll find one chapter in that is longer than this. How to fix: Make each chapter LONG. Do it on word first and then make sure its a couple pages long. Two or three is good.

• Jumps from one scene to another with little/no explanation. "Dawn and Ash came back to Velistone for Dawn's GF. On the way to the stadium, they get approached by a scientist who made a time machine." For one thing, you've made a grammatical error, but anyways, like I said, you jump from one scene to another with little explanation. Dawn and Ash came back to veilstone for dawns "gf". For one thing, you can use abbreviations and again, I want to know HOW they came back. Did they walk? Did they go on a train? Car? Bike? Where were they before they came back? No friggen explanation. Then suddenly, they see a scientist? Where does he come from? How does he look? What was he doing there and how was he doing it? This problem occurs in nearly every freaking sentence in your "chapter" How to fix: Add more detail and explain things. Don't jump from one thing to another.

• No detail: You've got no detail. I want to know how everything looks. I want to know how every thing smells. How does everyone feel? Does ash feel the cool morning breeze glide past his face, leaving him calm and relaxed? Does dawn smell the delicious scent of baking cookies wafting through the open window of a nearby charcoal colored house? Maybe the streets in veilstone city are paved with gray crumbling gravel that crunch like cereal when trodded upon? Start sounding like some one that isn't a two year old.

• Spelling and Grammar. And easy one here.
 
^ lol, even that is longer than your chapter.

Seriously, you've gone too far this time, What the Hell, seriously, no, just, ... no :S

Where are the conversations? Where is the oxygen in the beginning of time? Time machine? Scientist? Why in the world would he push them in it? C'mon, I know you're allowed to write anything, but this is just pathetic. Rate it PG-1, because this stuff is too bad even for a toddler :S

Woot, acting like a critic does feel good, I should get a job at the local newspaper :O
 
Action? What action? I don't see any action? YOU BORE ME TO DEATH.

If there was detail, I wouldn't be bored. I'd be glad to picture the moment in my eyes, pretending that I'm there. This...
 
Zahd said:
Action? What action? I don't see any action? YOU BORE ME TO DEATH.

If there was detail, I wouldn't be bored. I'd be glad to picture the moment in my eyes, pretending that I'm there. This...
Click to expand...

Even though I agree it's too short to really be called a chapter ("installment" would be a better word) but why in the HECK are you taking this so seriously?? GEEZ! I criticizing FANfictions your hobby?
 
SD, you have made some good fanfics, but its getting bad.

Detail lack, Arceus misspellings...

it is boring. Sorry....
 
This stinks You can make this better.One scratch and Arceus,the God of all pokemon, Is dead? I can do better than this.That was no violence at all.
 
Yeah so stupid. How can Dawn ge the powers? No details, and ARCEUS IS SPELLED A R C E U S. And Arceus dies from a scratch but not from the onslaught of every Pokemon in the world?

No way.
 
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