Writing Destiny - Please Lock

nabby101

Needs a new user title.
Member
Just so you know, I'm thinking of this as I post it, so it's definetly not perfect. Enjoy my fanfic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Destiny - The predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events.

Do you believe in destiny? Do you think that the world is an endless cycle, and that things that happened to you may have happened thousands of years ago? Some people do. Some people don't. But that's your choice. Like it or not, sometimes destiny catches up with you, and you have nowhere left to run...

PROLOGUE​

Ever notice how men in black suits always seem to be in charge? Black with 'TD' in a red outline on the front and back of their suit, to be specific. The man wearing the suit was Nicholas Black. He was an Admin for Team Destiny, tied for second in line with another admin off in Snowpoint City. The boss (whose name was unknown to everyone) was the only member of Team Destiny that got a completely black suit. The name hadn't been his idea, no one in the orginization could think of a better name to call a team that was destined to control the world.

Nicholas Black had a very thick accent that was hard to place for most people. Sort of Western, but with a twist. He was tall and stocky, about 6'2. He had neatly combed dark brown hair and green eyes, with a lopsided smile. He could have been an actor.
Black looked over at the 6 Grunts wearing the same suit as him, but red with black outline.

"Hurry up, we need to finish this by sundown!" He yelled to the Grunts, who muttered 'Yes sir' under their breath and hurried along, carrying boxes and boxes of D-Balls, as they were commonly called.

D-Balls were - esentially - the same thing as master balls, but instead of the purple colour, they were red with a black 'D'. All of the dozens of D-Balls contained Pokemon from Eterna Forest, where was where this part of Team Destiny currently was. There were Budew, Roselia, Roserade, Buneary, Lopunny, and many others that had made their home in the shady forest. Black himself had captured the main prize - Rotom. It had been surprisingly easy. Just tap the TV and it pops out.

Black looked at his watch - 6:49 PM. They still had time, but not much, as it got dark quickly in the forest. A few minutes later, a male grunt came over to Black.

"Sir. We have loaded all the boxes into the van," He said, saluting his superior.

Black looked at him closely. "Good. Then let's get going." He briskly walked over to the passenger seat and got inside, after radioing an unseen helicoptor.

A different grunt, this one female, got into the drivers seat. The rest jumped in the back with the cargo. The female grunt closed her door and accelerated out of the forest and into the outskirts of Eterna City, where a large helicoptor was waiting on the ground. The van drove up to the helicoptor and stopped, waiting. The transport ramp dropped down and the van smoothly drove up into the belly of the machine.

A few citizens of Eterna took note of the helicoptor, but if any had reported it, it didn't matter. Within minutes of landing, the chopper was airborn, and seconds later, out of sight.


Hope you enjoyed!

~nabby101
 
RE: Destiny

Since Zyflair will PROBABLY come along within the next few...however longs to comment, I'll start things off.

First, it's a touch short, and not much of anything happens. All we really see is some dude ordering Team Destiny grunts around. I'd love to see how they catch Pokemon, or how the Pokemon react to the humans in their last moments of freedom; are they scared? Angry? etc? This would show some beginning insight to the team. Going by most Pokemon games and the fact that they're donned in lol black-and-red, I'm assuming they're a bad team. But show us that from the get-go with subtle hints! It'll really help bring the story alive. Right now, I'm not gonna lie, they kinda feel like a bit of a ripoff of Team Galactic. :/

A few errors here and there, grammatically wise...'proze' should be 'prize' when in referring to Rotom. When using a 'said' verb right after dialogue (and when there's a comma of course) decapitalize the start of the next sentence. Those were the first two to pop into my head, as an example.

And now the fun part: description and showing the story. It's very important in a lot of stories to 'show' the reader what's going on, rather than 'telling' it. I'll use the Rotom example because it'll be easiest.

Black himself caught the main prize- Rotom...

Instead of that, you could completely get rid of that, and add to the beginning of the chapter. Don't tell us that he caught a lovely Rotom; show us that he caught a prized Rotom! Here's an example of something you could add immediately to the beginning of the story (but please don't D: )

The man clothed in a midnight suit stood stoically as he watched the TV flicker gently in front his piercing eyes. A small Pokemon sillouette within the fuzz of the TV had caught his attention. Curiously he reached out to the TV, half expecting something fantastical to happen like his hand being sucked in. Instead, he pushed on the TV screen; as he removed his palm from the screen there was a sudden crackle as a orange, spherical Pokemon emerged. And it did not look pleased.

The man, still dead-pan as ever, simply reached into his shirt's pocket. While it was the grunt's job to do all the work for this mission, what was the harm in enjoying some of the pleasure of capturing a rare Pokemon? He gave a small fleeting smile as he casually widened up a D-ball. The capsule device gleamed sinisterly in the TV's light- and from the Rotom's.

Said Pokemon began to charge up electricity, in an attempt to defend itself, but all was too late. Nonchalantly the intimidating man cast out the Master Ball equivelant. As the creature disappeared inside, it gave a high-pitched screech of dismay. The ball fell to the cold floor of the Old Chateau. It didn't budge. With only a glint of amusement in his eyes, the man picked up the orb, shrunk it down, and tucked it away into his pocket like a lifeless pen.

....OKAY THAT'S A REALLY WORDY EXAMPLE BUT YOU GET WHAT I MEAN I HOPE. :< Within those paragraphs, we introduce the character and his mood (or lack thereof), and SHOW how Rotom gets captured. There's no need to rush through a fic; slow down, take the time to explain these things and we'll definitely enjoy this more. :3

And I'm outta here so Zy can catch anything else that I missed or something.
 
RE: Destiny

Wow thanks for the tips!
Yah that example was probably more wordy than I would have used...
I like to keep my Prologues pretty short, but I'll add some stuff and fix those errors.
Also with my stories lots of times I intentionally don't show some important parts so that I can flash back to them later. You'll see.
 
RE: Destiny

Yes, show us how he caught it, the battle that took to capture it. The first sentence of the chapter bothered me a bit because that type of sentence is used for first person, which doesn't fit with the rest of the chapter that third person. If you are aiming for third person I suggest that you word it differently. If you read it and pay attention to that sentence it would sound like something from a first person story. Like CH said slow down, don't rush through it.

I guess the way you describe him is OK, but I would not have made it so list like. I would add something like: "He would often rake his long fingers through dark brown hair..." or "He had a large and stocky build that allowed him to tower over many people his age..." or "His large stocky build intimidated the people around him." ect. I think Zy can pretty much clean up this messy review I have made and I am pretty sure Zy would find many more things to critique about more than CH and I did.

~NZ
 
Back
Top