Writing Disbelief

The one day I post something and no one here finds anything, I will go outside and hug someone (no, I can't do that; too repulsive). In any case, the errors are fixed.

@squirtli - The memory's not explained in Chapter Four. You glean what you can get from it, because if I gave any more clues, it wouldn't be fun at all.

@DNA - I'm reading through again and trying to find the possible causes, but from what I can tell, the best reason you're feeling... such a shift... is that I simply revealed more of Collyn's thinking. The most iffy part I can see is him deciding to just leave the prospect of magic alone. It seems like a patient move not expected from someone so eager to learn magic, or it could be a logical move that he thought of, simply leaving it to chance because he has no control over it (so he believes). Either case could be argued for, but I intended Collyn to be a very logical person, so I'm a little surprised you said he seemed more insightful all of a sudden.

Thanks for reading!
 
Maybe it's because he's speaking more than he usually is, which in turn surprised me as to why he's being so vocal. That's probably it. Maybe I was just tired then and it struck me by surprise. Ah well.
 
It should be noted that Collyn tends to speak more to people he becomes more familiar with. Overall, he does tend to be pretty quiet only because he prefers people not to know that much about him.

Chapter Four is basic as usual. Mostly just more plot buildup and setting up for some battle action in Chapter Five. I did try my best to keep it from being a bore, but we'll see.
 
Chapter Four

"Wake up." Collyn groaned in response to that order, getting up from his light slumber. Knocked back into reality, his paws groggily moved about, finding the ground to push his body up. The crackling of the campfire suggested to him that it was probably still nighttime. His sensitive ear also picked up other signs of various nocturnal life: howls, hoots, chirps, creaking...

Creaking? Collyn opened his eyes. That was the unmistakable creaking of a tree. Natural death doesn't happen in the autumn. The dead wind could not fell a Rogu tree. Lumbering? In the night out here? Why?

Yet the loud rustling of leaves and branches confirmed the oddity: one had succumbed to some unknown force. He got on his hindpaws, now visually paying attention to his surroundings. The stew pot was gone, leaving the campfire to heat only the air around it. Garwin was standing up right in front of Collyn, his head turned to look into the forest, his face demonstrating concern. The pack on the Mienshao implied that he had already gathered everything he needed. A pale streak of white covered the lake as the moon had begun to make progress in its descent.

"What's going on, Garwin?" Collyn rasped, still not fully awake.

"I'm not sure, but something's wrong. We should get moving now. We can rest once we get to Jaklyn." Collyn yawned, grabbing his pack to depart with Garwin as commanded. He then took the remains of the campfire, throwing it into the pool branch by branch. He wasn't in the best mood to argue with Garwin. Besides, it was the Accum's role to ensure his safety, so the decision to depart now was understandable.

As they - as well as Collyn's mind - began to move, Collyn started questioning the situation. Sure, there might indeed be something dangerous out there that had wrecked a full tree... but thinking it through, trying to move through the forest now could prove just as deadly with the large number of nightly predatorial threats. Ariados and Crobat were two of the most well known causes of travelers' death, both active in the night. It wasn't that Garwin wouldn't be able to handle such lethal creatures in case of such an encounter, but why did he felt necessary to move anyway with that knowledge?

So naturally, the inquisitive Houndour addressed this concern to Garwin as soon as his throat fully recovered from its inactivity. Garwin's grim disposition grew even more grave as he was asked on the matter.

"What do you know about the knighthood process?" the Mienshao responded.

"Huh?"

"You know that you're not the only one to undertake the rituals in becoming a knight this season, correct?"

"Yes, Garwin. I remember being told that when learning how the rituals worked. All of us also would be ranked during the ritual by a series of short tests," Collyn simply recited from memory. He wasn't sure why Garwin was asking about this for, but the answer would eventually come.

"Have you heard anything about the knighting rituals that took place this spring?" Collyn gave the question a bit of thought before shaking his head, telling the Mienshao that he didn't know of any details regarding that event. Garwin simply sighed, looking off. He even hesitated, treating the explanation for his actions as dangerous themselves. However, he gave it nonetheless:

"For Spring there were five intended to be knighted. However, only four completed the ritual. The fifth one failed to do so because he and his Accum went missing."

"Missing?"

"The interesting part is that this missing knight-to-be was the favorite among the Council."

"So he was the anticipated High Knight had he not gone missing?" Collyn asked, beginning to understand and dread where Garwin was going with this.

"That is correct. Under the Council's orders, we kept this whole affair quiet, but I suspect foul play..." Garwin continued, trailing off. Collyn remained silent for some time, wondering if Garwin would conclude with his reason for the early leave. Two minutes of silence convinced Collyn otherwise, so he finished the conversation.

"One of the Accums caused it, right?"

"Yes, you're right..."

"So who do you think it is?" Collyn asked, pressing on the matter to speed up this whole affair.

"A Kahan bounty hunter named Karsha. She became an Accum just last year."

"Accums can be foreigners?"

Garwin shook his head.

"No, not under normal circumstances. An appeal to the Council has to be made to waive the native-born requirement. I'm not sure why they allowed her to be an exception, but the Spring incident naturally puts her under suspicion."

"You still haven't told me why it's best to leave in the middle of night."

"Karsha was the one that felled that tree." Collyn froze in fear and astonishment, unable to even say anything in response. Garwin started to give further details: "The thing about Kahan sorcery is that it's noticeable. Most of their spells releases large amounts of light in a short burst. You were still asleep, so you didn't see it. However, she only used a weak one, so it took time for the tree to fall."

"W-why did she do that?"

"To test me perhaps. Had I not left, I could be sending a challenge to her. As Accum, I'm not here to engage in combat, even if for self-defense as it would put you in danger. The best choice was to peacefully leave and let her have her way." Collyn gritted his teeth, mentally disagreeing. Sure, Garwin would want to avoid conflict, but perhaps to Karsha (if Garwin was right in the first place), they were retreating, showing signs of weakness and lack of superiority. What if they were encouraging her to go for the kill right now?

"Garwin."

"Yes, Collyn?"

"How cautious do you think Karsha is?"

"I've heard that the living conditions in Kahan were unforgiving. If she lived there, she no doubt would at least be somewhat cautious in her movements. I met her in the Spring rituals. At the least, she's extremely patient." Collyn almost struck himself in the forehead. That's right! Everyone gathered at the temple so Garwin would have seen all of the Accums at that time, including Karsha.

"What else do you know about her?"

"She's rather quiet. I'm surprised she's the killing type, but appearances are deceiving after all. Does not eat much like I do, but drinks rather often. I don't think she realizes my position among the temple, but she's wary enough to know I'm special among Accums."

"How so?" Collyn asked, particularly interested now.

"Well, I am an Arch monk."

"Wait, Arch?!" Collyn simply froze. The people of Rogu never cared for titles, so rather than using such pompous words such as "Legendary" and whatnot, the Council settled with giving away the title of "Arch" for the best of Rogu. As far as Collyn knew, the last person to rise to that status was a paladin over fifty years ago. And here Garwin was, claiming to have that same honor!

"It's nothing. They wouldn't let me turn it down, so I just asked them to not let the news out," Garwin sighed, stopping alongside Collyn. "Fame is a terrible curse, perhaps worse than loneliness. At least loneliness doesn't constrain you to false company and pointless interactions that mean nothing to your heart."

"..." Collyn just wanted to say something, but nothing sounded right in his head. Asking more about his quietly-gained position would be disrespectful to Garwin's wishes. In fact, best he tried to forget this entirely, for fear of unwittingly revealing it to others. His lungs took in fresh air from a deep breath done in an attempt to calm down.

"Why did you tell me that, Garwin?"

"Because I believe in you, Collyn."

"I find that faith of yours unsettling," Collyn admitted. Garwin could help but laugh at the Houndour's honesty.

"It's best we get moving now."

"Yes, Garwin."

~~~

Things look differently from another perspective. Now on the other side of the canyon, Collyn could spot the broken bridge at the opposite side, hanging completely straight down, dangling planks and rope freely shaking about in the wind as they pleased, no longer tied to the oppressive pole at the end of the bridge they were on. Upon looking at the scene once again, the width of the canyon looked fairly small, yet Lynette's ordeal felt ridiculously long.

Collyn blinked a few times when he noticed a pile of ash by one of the wooden posts of the bridge. Was that a black speck or a mere trick of the eye? Garwin watched Collyn curiously as the Houndour bent down, using his paws to brush away the ash, turning that black dot into a piece of cloth. Collyn could only gaze at this miraculous thing: it survived the fire. How?

Upon pulling it out of the pile, he frowned as the "cloth" proved itself to be much heavier than expected. And with a firm grip on it, his paw held something of a much rougher texture. Leather? That would explain why it didn't burn away with the rest of the cloak. When he completely separated this leather object from the ash, his paw held a thin rectangular case with one side extending over to the other, attached by a snap fastener.

Given his prying nature, Collyn used his other paw to grab and tug at the strap in an attempt to unfasten it. Instantly, some sort of complicated, circular symbol appeared, brightly shining yellow. Accompanied with the glow was a brief electric shock that ran through the dog's body. Yelping in pain, Collyn instinctively let go of the leather case, letting it drop to the ground. By the time it reached the dirt, the mystic design circumscribed by the circle had faded away and disappeared.

"You alright?" Garwin asked, only slightly concerned.

"Y-yeah..." Collyn muttered, looking at his paws to make sure they were fine. On the outside, no damage was evident, though each digit suffered a slight tingling sensation.

"So he's a sorcerer," Garwin mused. "It seems that we'll have to open the case later. How stiff is your body?"

"It's fine," he replied, groaning as he forced his numb body up, taking the secured leather container as he got on his hind legs. So strange, the existence of this case. Why didn't the Persian pick this up before his departure? Was it not worth the trouble? If not, why did he spend the effort to protect the contents?

"You want to hold onto that?"

"I might as well. My pack still has space," he sighed, disappointed with the results. Looking down the road, he could see Jaklyn in the horizon, mostly thanks to the gradual decline the road took from here.

Indeed, just twenty minutes of walking did the trick. The sun had barely risen to their left by the time they set foot on the small town. In contrast to the forge at Yokkon being isolated from the rest of the buildings, Collyn noticed one located at the entrance to the right. However, given the poor condition of the house with the peeling wood and broken stairs, it was more likely vacant than not. Just diagonally across the road from that forge was an alley with a manhole to collect rainwater. Collyn watched a few children walk into the alley before looking back at Garwin.

"Do you know the person that worked here?" Collyn asked Garwin.

"In the forge? I used to work here."

"Oh... did you take out everything from there?

"Hm? Why do you ask?"

"I was hoping to get some sort of oil lamp." Garwin tilted his head, confused as to why Collyn would want such a thing. Better to not ask. The Houndour would have his reasons. He would find the method to the madness sooner or later anyhow. Despite that, he didn't remember of an oil lamp in the old forge, and even if there was one, the likelihood of it being clean or usable simply made the prospect of simply buying a new one far more desirable.

Most - if not all - Rogu towns have their market hours start by sunrise. Such an early start allowed vendors a longer rest period in the second half of the day. The only exception was the restaurants, stuck with bustling demand for as long as the sun reigned the sky (and even some time in its retirement). The fervor of nightly excitement made lanterns the most desired commodity besides food, especially for the festivals.

Even in the less celebrative weeks, lamps still sold well. Collyn could spot at least two stalls along the same side of the road with the item he requested from Garwin in stock. Only a silver coin for a simple terra-cotta lamp, handle and wick included. No lid to cover the pouring hole? Fraid not, sir. No matter; better to buy now with the price so low. Aye, a silver it is.

What a small price for such minute light! Its width barely exceeded that of Collyn's paw, the handle impossible to be utilized by anyone moderately large. Garwin couldn't fathom why young'un wanted the trinket. Even more absurd was what Collyn did upon receiving the lamp: he lit it. Immediately, he poured a bit of paraffin oil into the fuel chamber and lit the wick at the nozzle as soon as he was sure the oil was being properly drawn. In broad daylight!

"Ah, let the lad have his fun," the seller laughed. Garwin was sure that "having fun" was the very last reason Collyn would have gotten the lamp for. Yet what was the intended purpose for getting this tiny thing?

As they walked from the stall, a Scyther - rushing in from one of the other stalls, rammed into Garwin, the two beings involved in the incident crying out as Collyn watched. He observed not the colliding bodies, but some minuscule article flying across the air, across the street, and down the uncovered manhole. Groaning, the Scyther looked around, becoming alarmed when he saw his belt, an attached small pouch undone.

"Wha-" he exclaimed, quickly brushing across the ground with his blade-arms. Collyn turned to look at the Scyther.

"You won't find it there."

"Then- You have it, don't you?!"

"If whatever you lost went to me, it would have hit Garwin first. Take another guess," the Houndour replied harshly. The Scyther bristled at the flippant response.

"I'm not here to play games! That ring is an important delivery! You're paying for it!"

"You lost it."

"Why, you," the Scyther growled, stopped by a raised arm of Garwin's.

"Collyn, did you see where that ring go?"

"Yes, it went down the manhole."

"It's fine. I'll pay for it." The unexpected answer lead to a startled Collyn, somehow able to keep his mouth open despite the leather muzzle.

"Garwin?!"

"I wasn't watching where I was walking. How much is the ring worth?"

"Twenty gold coins... if you can afford it."

"I can-"

"Wait!" Collyn roared, smoke erupting from his mouth. "I'll get the ring."

Time passed in silence before the Scyther managed to utter a "what?" quietly. Garwin was equally surprised, but not for the same reason. However, neither of them reacted fast before Collyn ran over to the manhole, looking down before he jumped right down, his right paw holding the lamp.

~~~

Collyn sneezed from the fetid stench of the sewage. He didn't have much time at all. At least a minute was wasted from that Scyther's outburst. Finding the ring at this point would have been impossible if he didn't catch on to what happened. He stood on the sidewalk, sloped downwards to the sewer gutters that collected all flowing water. A small current of air followed the water in the sewers as well.

Quickly, he forced himself to sniff. Even in the midst of the putrid air, he would be able to catch the scent of anyone moving windward. When he picked up nothing, he turned around and headed leeward, following the current of the water, using the puny flame from the oil lamp to reveal the way ahead.

"... hear that?" Collyn stopped immediately, trying to hone his ears on the voices. Children? He expected someone other. There's also at least one present given the few words he picked up. Silently prowling along the sidewalk, he listened in to get more info. His left paw went over the lamp to quench the flame. Best he remained undetected...

"What? I didn't hear anything."

"It's just the wind!"

"Is not! I heard something!"

"Prooooove it!"

From the banter, Collyn started to suspect that they were all indeed children. At least three different voices not far from where he was... If he approached them, they could flee and probably would split the moment there was a fork in these sewers. Was there a way to keep them from trying to escape? Maybe if he knew where a corner was.

"F-fine! It came from this way!" Clearly audible footsteps echoed along the sewer, indicating that they were coming towards him. Collyn sighed to himself. If he surprised them, they would more likely flee, so it was better he just confirmed his own existence. As the result of his thoughts, he relit the lamp.

"There! Someone's there!"

"Don't run to it, Sasha!"

"I'm going to prove you that I did hear someone! Hey, it's a Houndour!" Collyn watched as an Emolga ran up to him. "Hey, what are you doing here?! Sewer's off limits! Bad things happen to intruders like you!"

The "intruder" sighed, tempted to draw his sword to intimidate Sasha. The Emolga had no weapons nor exterior source of light. The only light the children appeared to use was the flame of a Charmander's tail. To the side of the Charmander stood a Chatot, simply watching with from a distance. Both the Charmander and the Chatot clearly had doubts about Collyn. In the end, best to go along with the conversation.

"Bad things? Why? Is it dangerous?" he asked. The Emolga opened her mouth, obviously stuck on how to answer.

"Well - ah, um - yes! Yes, it is dangerous!"

"So why are you-" Collyn bit his lip. Bad reaction there. He really needed to fix that habit. Quickly, he cleared his throat, getting back to the actual topic at paw. "I mean, I came down here because I lost a ring down here."

"Huh? You lost a ring? Hey! Paco!" Sasha turned around to face her friends. "Get over here!"

"B-But!"

"No buts!" she answered, stamping her left foot against the cold sidewalk. Reluctantly, both of the flying squirrel's partners moved forward. The Chatot held out a small ring in its wing, which was promptly taken by the Emolga. She took it up in front of her eye, scrutinizing the piece of jewelry. She glared at the gold and examined the emerald center before saying:

"Look, kid, you lost this thing. I found it, so I'm keeping it."

"Now see here!" Collyn growled, officially losing his temper, his paw grabbing the handle of his sword, which was out of range from his lamp's light. "I know not what joke you're trying to pull, but I advise you to quit it!"

"Or else what?" Sasha retaliated boldly, crossing her arms. Collyn would have threatened her had he not thought of some other way to peacefully settle to problem.

"... How about I pay you for it?"

"... Huh?"

"Six gold coins. That's two for each of you, more than enough to last you all quite some time." The Emolga hung her mouth open at the sheer mention of gold coins, shocked at the offer. She tried to answer hastily.

"W-well, um... that's... Twelve."

"What?!"

"I want twelve of those coins for the ring."

To hell with this! Collyn drew out his sword, startling the Emolga. She gave out a fearful squeak, falling to the ground. Her wide eyes stared at the armed teenager, her body shaking with fright. Her two friends quickly walked back in reaction.

"Alright! H-here!" Sasha cried, tears already leaking out of her eyes. Her small hands held out the ring for Collyn to take. "Just don't hurt me!" she sobbed, scared witless. Collyn watched the crying child for a few seconds. Bending down, he first placed the lamp to the ground before moving to Sasha, who could no longer take it and shut her eyes, preparing for the worst.

She felt the ring then from her... and then something cold and smooth placed on her hands in return. The Emolga couldn't help but look to see what it was: six authentic gold coins stacked delicately on her small hands.

"Take care of those," Collyn sighed, standing straight up. "A good friend gave me those... so I don't want to see you losing any."

"..." Sasha just stared at the coins as if they were some sort of hallucination, capable of disappearing. The Charmander was the one that spoke up.

"Thank you, sir," he said, staring at the Houndour. Collyn said nothing in response, only just sheathing his sword. Children. Quite bothersome they were.

~~~

Garwin could sense the anxiety of the Scyther, and he suspected that it wasn't the fear of losing precious time to deliver the ring as he said.

"Think he'll actually get the ring?" the Scyther nervously asked.

"Collyn is experienced and informed. He probably knows what's going on," Garwin cryptically replied, looking up. Both of them had already gotten up, waiting at the alley near the open circular storm drain. In contrast to the still Mienshao, the Scyther was subtly figdeting, nervous over something.

"What do you mean 'what's going on'?" the Scyther asked. Garwin chuckled, scratching the back of his head.

"I'm not sure, myself. Strange things happen these days."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Well, perhaps the strangest thing I'm wondering was why you suddenly ran out like that."

"I already told you; I was in a rush to deliver that ring." Garwin bursts into laughter from that answer. Though ostensibly joyous in tone, the Scyther felt those dreaded chills running down his spine. Something about this Mienshao just troubled him greatly, haunted him, tormented him.

"Ah, so which way were you supposed to go to make your delivery?"

"I don't see why I should answer any of your questions," he stammered. Garwin grinned at the Scyther.

"Let me put it this way to you, sir. If the Council finds out that if you've been... concealing anything that deserves punishment, if you quietly turn yourself in, you could face far more merciful consequences. What say you?"

"You're just an old geezer! Y-You can't threaten me like that!" the Scyther blurted out, losing his composure.

"For the benign future of Rogu, I do what I need to do," Garwin responded. "Do not force an aged Accum to rouse himself. It is tiring for an old being."

"Shut up!" the Scyther retorted, immediately using his right sword arm to swing at Garwin's neck. The Mienshao swiftly pulled up his left arm, catching the blade in his hand. The Scyther was initially surprised at the fast reaction, but then downright spooked when he saw absolutely no blood drawn from the fighting ermine. He attempted to swing with the other arm blade, but Garwin had forsaw the move, appropriately yanking the Scyther's blade (and consequently the Scyther himself) in his unharmed hand. The force coupled with his own swinging sent the Scyther to the ground, his right arm blade held awkwardly in the arm. And still no blood. He was at least a monster, maybe even a demon. As if to confirm his fears, Garwin slowly clenched his hand around the blade... and it was the Scyther crying out in pain.

"St-stop! Please!" he begged. Garwin didn't change in his facial expression. He raised his foot, bringing it down onto a pressure point he had memorized. The impact forced the Scyther unconscious, letting Garwin drop the blade arm with the assurance that this con man couldn't escape. Even though he has been more or less staying in Yokkon for the past few years, he had heard of such shameful scams like losing a ring and blaming others on it happening recently. Collyn no doubt had heard of it considering his father had to keep up with the news, and the important information would have passed down to the teenager. He's not sure how Collyn predicted this to happen. Perhaps he noticed someone snooping around the manhole? In any case, it was best to send this Scyther to the Council for questioning.

Picking up the Scyther, Garwin walked off to do exactly that...
 
Me proofreading the chapter is analogous to a blind man looking for stains on a shirt. It's not very effective. >_>

Thanks for reading!
 
Zyflair said:
"I want twelve of those coins for the ring.

To hell with this! Collyn drew out his sword, startling the Emolga.

Needs moar quotation marks. Other than that, a good story. I was confused as to how Garwin decided the Scyther was shifty in the first place though.
 
Can't see where the question mark belongs. Unfortunately, all Garwin really explained was that he "had heard of such shameful scams like losing a ring and blaming others on it..." though how he came to suspect the Scyther to begin with is indeed not mentioned, as you said. In fact, Collyn even asks him about this later (Chapter Five stuff, won't go into too much detail), but only gets cryptic answers.
 
Zyflair said:
"I want twelve of those coins for the ring."

"To hell with this!" Collyn drew out his sword, startling the Emolga.

The first quotes I underlined need to be there. Not sure if the next set should or not, I can't tell if Collyn is speaking or not.
 
Ah, I see it. But he wasn't speaking, so no quotes for the second one.
 
"Karsha was the one that felled that tree." Collyn froze in fear and astonishment, unable to even say anything in response.
So he stopped running at this point? or was his mind just frozen?
"The thing about Kahan sorcery is that it's noticeable. Most of their spells releases large amounts of light in a short burst. You were still asleep, so you didn't see it. However, she only used a weak one, so it took time for the tree to fall."
And yet a completely blind blacksmith COULD see the flash of light?
Everyone gathered at the temple so Garwin would have seen all of the Accums at that time, including Karsha.
...Building off the previous comment, is 'seen' really the best choice for a verb here?
"Well, I am an Arch monk."
Just a personal question...is it pronounced "arch" or "arc"?
As far as Collyn knew, the last person to rise to that status was a paladin over fifty years ago. And here Garwin was, claiming to have that same honor!
inb4 garwin = paladin
Things look differently from another perspective. Now on the other side of the canyon, Collyn could spot the broken bridge at the opposite side, hanging completely straight down, dangling planks and rope freely shaking about in the wind as they pleased, no longer tied to the oppressive pole at the end of the bridge they were on. Upon looking at the scene once again, the width of the canyon looked fairly small, yet Lynette's ordeal felt ridiculously long.
I am not entirely sure as to why, but that bolded sentence looks out of place in that paragraph...possibly because of differing verb tense.
Only a silver coin for a simple terra-cotta lamp, handle and wick included. No lid to cover the pouring hole? Fraid not, sir. No matter; better to buy now with the price so low. Aye, a silver it is.
I didn't realize until the end of the paragraph that it was supposed to be people talking. It's a weird transition between description and speech. Bridge the gap!
Garwin couldn't fathom why young'un wanted the trinket.
shouldn't there be a "the" in there
"Collyn, did you see where that ring go?"
go went
To hell with this! Collyn drew out his sword, startling the Emolga. She gave out a fearful squeak, falling to the ground. Her wide eyes stared at the armed teenager, her body shaking with fright. Her two friends quickly walked back in reaction.
I approve
She felt the ring then from her...
I think the word "taken" (or synonym thereof) is missing
but Garwin had forsaw the move,
I believe it's "foreseen" in this case. Also, though I didn't realize this until I looked it up - you can't omit the E in any tense of that verb (foresee).

~~~~~

Hmm, a rather interesting chapter overall. Now we're getting somewhere, or so I hope. Quite a bit of foreshadowing I see abounding, as well as an object that I can take my frustration out on! Woohoo! (In case you didn't notice...I don't really like children.)

I'm actually starting to question Garwin now; is he friend or foe? This is good to question; it shows the characters are not just static and one-dimensional.

And now I'm getting into the habit of writing the mistakes down as I find them, instead of relying totally on memory when I'm done. I should be doing that more often.
 
I'll get to editing this sometime today. To answer your question about Garwin, he just has poor eyesight. I guess he could be counted as legally blind, but he would still be able to discern changes in light and general details. Also, no he's just a monk, not a paladin. ;P

Thanks for reading!
 
...Hm, fair enough. I guess that sort of explains the sight problem.
 
Moderator/Critic’s Notes: Before anyone goes and bashes me for writing this up or just bumping this thread, this critique is being done upon request from the author.

I have to be honest, Zy. I’ve tried to follow this story through time and again, but found it very difficult to get interested in for a few dead-obvious reasons.

First off, your descriptions are too indirect, especially when it comes to describing creatures that in and of themselves are not human but still humanlike. Right away, you go through the motions of talking about a (presumably) bipedal Houndour by the name of Collyn (a name I’d actually suggest changing for the very reason that it sounds unimaginative and is spelled incorrectly. I mean, if you’re going to use it, spell it “Collin” not “Collyn.” I know that pseudo-medieval fantasy novels typically use characters with a lot of freaky or oddly-spelled names, but there’s no excuse for altering the spelling of one that I know actually exists in modern day English). To me, it seems like you actually forgot to mention that he is bipedal instead describing how he stands upright, which is right but sort of leaves me with the impression that he can also get down on all fours and walk around too. To me, there’s no bigger deterrent than a non-human character who still has humanlike characteristics being described as more animal-like than humanlike, especially when terms like “paws and hind/forelegs” are used over ones such as “hands, feet, arms, and legs” (with all due respect, the first undermine the fact that the character bears any resemblance to a human being whatsoever and implies that it’s just a quadruped who happens to be capable of keeping upright for long periods of time, whereas the latter insinuates that there’s some sort of anatomical difference between the character and its regular “non-anthropomorphic” form). That small change-up alone would’ve drew my interest in a lot more since it ties-in the fact that the character still has similarities to a person despite being anything but human (admittedly, even then, it can still come across as cartoony…or, dare I say it, fake…).

The second issue I noticed has to do with your narrative and, to a lesser extent, your diction. I’ve noticed that you have a tendency to use a lot of terms that (to my knowledge) aren’t commonly used in everyday English. I know you lectured me a couple times about the flip opposite case, in which I have/had a tendency to overuse common terms (particularly verbs like “was”). However, it seems to me that not-so-common terms can be even more damaging to narration because it appears that you’re trying to make stuff sound fancier than it has to be. For instance, I noticed the term “cacophony” right away in the second/third paragraph of the prologue. Immediately, I was left a bit miffed because this isn’t a term I’ve ever had to use and I’ve always been left with the impression that it doesn’t have practical use in or outside of fiction writing. To me, it’d have just been better to keep describing the clangs and other noises associated with what Garwin was doing or at least find a better term since ones like this just stick out too much. Writing artistically is one thing, but that doesn’t always mean having to doll things up especially when describing an informal situation. However, that’s just my two-cents and I may just be saying it because it’s not the way I’d have written it (and, alas, I can’t come up with something off the top of my head without it probably sounding terrible)…

A third, smaller thing I kind of have to note is that it seems like the narration itself goes too fast at times and not fast enough in others. I’m not sure how to fully describe it though, since it’s still got all the bases covered for what I’d expect, but I’ve also had a difficult time keeping interested in stories that flip-flop between slow-paced scenes and quick-paced ones too much. An example of such a story was The Lost Symbol (the “third” book in The DaVinci Code/Angels and Demons saga) by Dan Brown. I can’t directly liken it to this, but there were a lot of times in which there was a lot of quick buildup to what would presumably a major scene and then the situation suddenly turned into a somewhat drawn-out passage of dialogue or even a flashback to something. That’s not exactly what happens in this story, but I keep feeling like I’m being reminded of it right from the beginning. But then, it may be nothing at all…

I apologize if this was a little harsh, but I honestly feel like there should be something more to it yet can’t fully describe what… (If you want me to remove or hide this, just let me know…)
 
I never really found time to read this...but I'm up to about chapter four now, and I love it!! HOW did I miss reading this for so long!? Bravo, sir, bravo! The anthro-ness of it was hard to understand in the beginning. I only figured out that you were writing anthropomorphically from reading comments and reviews, and still it made little sense. Having never read anything with characters described this way, it took some getting used to. After that everything was fine. Still a bit confusing, but great nonetheless.
 
AnimeUSA said:
I never really found time to read this...but I'm up to about chapter four now, and I love it!! HOW did I miss reading this for so long!? Bravo, sir, bravo! The anthro-ness of it was hard to understand in the beginning. I only figured out that you were writing anthropomorphically from reading comments and reviews, and still it made little sense. Having never read anything with characters described this way, it took some getting used to. After that everything was fine. Still a bit confusing, but great nonetheless.
Thanks! =D

Well, generally, the traits speak for thremselves, so I honeslty felt it was redundant to say they were anthros.
 
Arceus, I left this alone for way too long. I sincerely apologize for the lack of... anything in this thread. First things first, considering that I literally scrapped everything concerning Chapter Five, progress has been difficult with my ridiculous academic schedule. But for now, I can manage a formal response for you, Apollo, since you've dedicated the time and effort to actually looking over my work (what I have posted of it, anyhow). Before I get to the actual response, I wish to warn you that what I say is not beautiful, but I do respect every part of your critique and value it as the view of a person with literally insight. So, don't think that your critique might be too harsh because my response isn't the most argeeable. Deal? x3

That being said, I truly disagree with you on several fronts here. You have your critique split up in three sections, so I feel it would be clear if I do the same, having each corresponding section addressing each of your section. And on we go.

Section 1)
Personally, I've never found problems with altering common names, as it simply just a name of fictional character. To further explain the naming concept of the protagonist, Collyn was named so simply because I despised how "Collin" appeared on paper, despite have a fitting sound to it. The ridiculous number of columns provided by the l's, the i's, and the n' just doesn't prove appealing to me. Switching the letter i with a y proved to be a column combo breaker (alright, that was terrible). Yes, I changed the spelling of a common name because I didn't like how it looks. But given this is a fantasy world, spellings can change, and since I deem that the change is a valid and justifiable one, I went ahead and made it. I'm afraid that if you don't like it, there's nothing I plan on doing about it since I prefer reading "Collyn" over "Collin."

At this point, it is obvious that we differ in selecting terminology concerning minorly anthropmorphized beasts. To me a creature is a creature, despite that some of its behaviours emulate that of a humans. And under that reasoning, I use the respective terms that deal with creatures, namely animals, since that's the closest form of life that the species of Pokemon I have introduced resembles. An anthropomorhpic dog does not have hands. It has paws, and thus I call it "paws" (and if I wanted to be specific, it could be "forepaws" or "hindpaws"). The terminology reflects the physical appearance of my characters. The humanistic traits they possess are portrayed through their actions. That is the basis of logic behind the body part-naming in Disbelief.

Section 2)
There's really not much to say here. In my defense, I complain about the use of "was" at every opportunity just because it's a terribly weak verb. Furthermore, I had used cacophony only because I literally could not find a word that fit well in there (and no, do not even suggest me something like "noise." That's not even a specific adjective for the kind of sound. I wanted "cacaphony" because it has the connotations of badly-blended sounds [or noises], not necessarily jarring). I understand your... dislike of such complex choices, but cacophony perfectly described what I need since we're dealing with multiple sounds that don't mix well. As such, I used it. There are moments where I'm not mulling over word choices or being extremely careful with my selection, but I try. I don't use uncommon words for the sake of using them. I like those words. If they stand out to you and bother you, I'm sorry, because no two readers have the same vocabulary preference, so it's impossible for me to tailor the diction of my works to appease everyone, because if I know what everyone wanted, I would have to write several versions of the same story to please everyone.

Section 3)
Well, if there was something for me to take out of the critique, it would be this section. I literally had planned this tale to be a slow one. I was a tad surprised that you said that the narration was too fast at times, because I never really meant on having a fast pace anywhere. Despite that, I ended up rethinking about the pacing of the story, since you feel that it's inconsistent.



Well, months of no updates. I really slacked off. Alright. July. I promise you all; I will get something in by sometime in July. If I don't, someone slap me and pester me until I get it completely finished for posting. No exceptions. Disregard anything I say that contradicts this, including the busy excuse.
 
I am absurdly late. I apologize severely, and I am undergoing countermeasures to make sure it will not be this bad again. In the meantime, Chapter Five is to get the entire story up to speed; there's nothing really exciting here, but it's something to get all of the old readers refreshed on what's going on about. No idea when Chapter Six is coming out, but hopefully no later than October. First, Round Robin work.

I didn't bother proofreading, because you guys seem to like doing it for me.



Chapter Five

Collyn hoisted himself up out of the manhole, grunting a bit as he returned back aboveground. Sasha and her posse remained below to play in the sewers. He didn’t ask them about why they wouldn’t settle for just having fun in the streets. Perhaps it was too plain for them and the woods were too dangerous, but it was not his business. Besides, his business was far more urgent.

For one, where was Garwin? Or the Scyther for that matter? Collyn frowned as the possibilities popped up in his head. Clearly, if Garwin exposed the Scyther’s scam, there was a chance of danger. He planned only to fetch the ring to avoid payment from that con man and move on. What if Garwin confronted him? Did the fight scene take part elsewhere, or was it already over? Where would the two be?

His pondering quickly halted as he heard his name being called. He didn’t move, however, recognizing the voice... a voice that he hadn’t expected to hear for a while. By the time his head turns to see, a Dewott tackles him, stubby arms wrapping around the fire dog. Collyn cries out in sheer surprise of the affectionate move. The two fell onto the ground, only the hound’s back actually making contact onto the smooth pavement.

“K-Karl?!” the Houndour stammered, too shocked to even consider hugging back an old acquaintance at the moment. Karl laughs, soon letting go of the Collyn’s body and taking his paw as he gets up. By that point, Collyn mentally recovers and closes his gaping mouth.

“Man, it’s been too long!” the Dewott greeted, releasing his grip on the paw as soon as both of them are on their feet. “How have you been?”

“You haven’t left Jaklyn yet?” Collyn simply asks back.

“I see you haven’t,” Karl retorts, beaming widely. “Besides, I spend the extra time with my Accum for some training. It’s not as if we’re going to be late if we don’t head out this instant. Now what the hell are you doing over here in an alley? Playing with the children down in the sewers? I thought you’ve grown up from-”

“It’s complicated,” Collyn quickly answered, cutting Karl off. “I went down there for business.”

“Surely not too complicated to explain to me in less than a few minutes. But why don’t you get a bath or something first? You just smell awful right now.”

“... fine,” the Houndour muttered. “But don’t you dare shove me into the water like last time.”

“Deal,” Karl laughed, walking out of the dark gap between the two buildings with his friend. Just this situation alone given the context is ridiculous and baffling; squires that should be going to the Knighting ceremony are instead wandering off without their Accum. To top it off, given that there’s no suitable place in town for Collyn to bathe (not without a fee at the least), they’d have to settle for some body of water in the surrounding dense forest. The Houndour would have loved to ask Karl where the Dewott’s Accum is, but that would undoubtedly result in the question simply being turned back onto him. So he remained silent on that matter as they headed to the nearest pond.

~~~

“So, to recap, you were walking with your Accum, and a Scyther runs into him, loses a ring, and demanded you to pay for it. Being the goody-two-shoes you are, you go get it only to find both gone.”

“Goody-two-shoes?” Collyn asked back, turning his head around to make sure the Dewott wasn’t peeking at his wash. Karl was laying on the grass, resting his head and arms against a tree with his eyes closed, only his chest barely moving from breathing.

“I thought your Accum was fast enough to get out of the way. You’re telling me he just ran into the Scyther?” Karl inquired, pushing aside his name-calling.

“I think he knew what was going on.”

“And what makes you think that? You were informed from your father about the scam operations, and even that’s pretty low profile. Doesn’t your Accum spend the majority of his day at the blacksmith?”

“I wouldn’t put it past him to find some way to get good info on what happens around Rogu.”

“Then how about you?”

“Pardon?”

“Even in the sewer, there’s no light, and you even admitted you didn’t have a lantern or lamp before the purchase. How did you know you were going to have to deal with the sewers? Did you get that information from your father as well?”

“Actually, no.”

“Oh?”

“I got time to talk with someone else.”

“...” Karl opened his eyes to look at Collyn, who wasn’t looking back. “You’re not going to tell me, are you?”

“He’s not that important. I just info about that little trick. It only happened once, but since the Scyther used children to do it, getting information about the scam was of laughable difficulty.”

“Laughable difficulty, eh? You know what’s not laughable?” the Dewott asked, grinning as he looked away again.

“What?”

“Pulling off that scam. Think about it; the premise of the scam is that he collides into someone, and a ring goes down into the manhole. How does the ring even get off of his body? Through an open pouch? What about the likelihood of the ring falling right into the manhole?”

“The target isn’t the manhole itself. It was just by luck it went right into the manhole,” Collyn explained. “If you think about it, in a collision, how could the victim even notice a flying ring? If I wasn’t there, my Accum could easily have accused the Scyther for fabricating it. However, if the ring landed near the manhole, then the Scyther could stall for a bit until the ring was about to fall into the manhole before bringing attention to it. By then, it would be too late and the ring would fall in before either of them could reach it.”

“Using the slant intended to collect rainwater as a way to have them notice the ring but not able to get it anyway. Interesting. But aren’t you forgetting something, Collyn? You’re thinking that the ring lands on its side in order to actually be rolling. It’s an unlikely story.”

“Check the left side inside the pouch. The gold ring is in there. Take it out.” Karl, wondering what Collyn was going to point out, reached into the pack and took out the ring, looking particularly at the diamond set in the gold hoop without jutting out like other rings. Completely circular in shape, unlike a usually flat bezel to hold the gem. How does one smooth out diamond to make its shape match a ring? “Go ahead and throw it. Make sure it’s a flat and hard surface,” Collyn further instructed. Luckily for the Dewott, there was a decently smooth rock (a bit curved, but it should hopefully do the trick). He lightly drops the ring onto the rock, watching it bounce a few times, spinning before it slows down... on its “side,” the embedded diamond staring up at him for a good second before starting to roll along the slight slope on the rock.

The Dewott frowned and picked up the ring for further inspection, now noticing that it was noticeably heavier on one side; the diamond would obviously affect the weight imbalance but not enough to cause such the difference.

“It’s not purely gold, I take it.”

“Probably something like lead in the side opposite of the diamond,” Collyn confirmed. “Melting down the ring would give a more thorough answer. It would be good evidence to present for his trial.”

“If he’s even captured,” Karl chuckled, putting the ring back in the same place within Collyn’s bag. “You have no idea where he or your Accum is anyway.”

“Why aren’t you with yours anyway?” Collyn asked, shaking out water from his fur as soon as he’s out of the pond.

“She went to buy some supplies and lunch at the market. I’ll head back when she’s done.”

“She?”

“What? It’s not like we sleep on the same bed or anything.”

“That’s not- forget it,” Collyn replied. He pulled up his pack, taking the straps. “Why don’t we just head back now?” Before Collyn could throw the straps around his shoulder, Karl grabbed the straps as well, preventing Collyn from wearing his own back. As a result, the Houndour stares at his friend, frowning. “What now?”

“Why the rush? I haven’t even asked you how your right paw is.”

“It’s fine. Was that all?” Karl sighed at the impersonal answer, wryly smiling. Well, it was only a year since they last met; still, not one bit of Collyn’s personality has changed over time. Hopefully, the same story doesn’t apply to the Houndour’s fighting skills. To go through insipid and arduous’ training and ending up attending a Knighthood ceremony with dull competitors would be such a disappointment. Being a Knight is nothing without a challenge. Such dreadful thoughts, Karl noted to himself. Surely he could remove these doubts with Collyn.

“I was just hoping that we could have a friendly fight. It has been a while, don’t you think?” Karl grinned hopefully to complement his request. Collyn’s frowned deepened even more after that request. Now? When they just met? The ceremony is mere days away and this shameless otter already wants to take him on. He’s just as impatient as his one-year-ago self. Telling Karl that wouldn’t make a difference; the Dewott would say that it would make good practice.

“There’s no fun in seeing how much we improved until we get on the stage, don’t you think?” Collyn responded, trying to word it as carefully as possible. Karl considers it for a moment, grabbing his chin as he internally debated over the matter. He soon then grins and looks at Collyn, who had put on his pack in time to look back.

“Promise you’ll put on a good show for me?”

“... promise.” Collyn affirmed, soon wincing as he was given a tight hug in return.

“Thanks, Collyn! I’m counting on you!” the Dewott lets go, resting his short arms on the Houndour’s shoulders. He was beaming with that wide smile Collyn was too familiar with. “But at least tell me,” he continues, “did you actually learn to dual wield now that your right paw’s fixed?”

“I decided to stick with a single paw,” he replies, pushing with his left paw to regain personal space. It would be nice if he could find some way to keep himself from getting embraced so often, but the only possible way (as far as he could think) would be to have fur as sharp as a Jolteon, and even that was probably not guaranteed to work whatsoever.

“Ehhhhh?!” Karl responded, more shocked at the news than expected. “But you were looking forward to dual wield a long time ago, even after that incident. What changed your mind?”

“Helps with the balance. Besides, many people still aren’t used to facing a southpaw anyway,” Collyn partially explains. Provided Collyn makes the most use of the next days before the ceremony, his right paw would have some other use. Better he stop thinking about that before he ends up looking too distracted for Karl to ask him about that.

“Awww, you’re never any fun, Collyn.”

“I try not to be.”

~~~

The return to the streets of Jaklyn from the nearby pond was unexpectedly uneventful. Collyn kept constantly on guard for a sudden pounce or some other mischievous deed, but Karl behaved, walking quietly, the only behavior he exhibited on the way back that was characteristic of him was the constant twisting and turning of his head, leisurely enjoying the scenery.

As they got back on the streets, in sight stood a Lucario. The only areas of it that were visible was the feminine face, the neck, and the feet, all other parts of the body concealed by a pitch-black cloak. Her head hung slightly low, resulting in the pupils of her eyes resting on the edge of her eyelids, directed right towards the two youngsters.

“Hey!” Karl cried, grinning and running past Collyn now to the unknown jackal. “You got lunch, right?!”

“It’s in the room now,” she answered, her voice hushed in comparison to that of the energetic Dewott. Karl grins and looks toward Collyn beckoning him over. As he did, the Lucario slowly shifted her head up to look at him. The Houndour wasn’t sure what to do as she simply stared for a few seconds, but she soon resumed speaking: “Are you Collyn?”

“I am, miss,” he quickly replied.

“Your Accum wished to see you as soon as possible. Lobby at the inn.”

“Awww, he has to go now?” Karl pouts, more than simply upset over this sudden turn of events. Collyn shook his head and (against his logical will) placed his paw on the Dewott’s shoulder, causing him to look over at his friend.

“It’s only less than a week, and we’ll probably meet again on the road. I’ll see you then, alright?” Admittedly, Collyn himself was well aware how terrible of a farewell he just gave, but bidding goodbyes always struggled to be an easy task for an uptight person as him. Nonetheless, given the smile that returned to Karl's face, his friend at least appreciated the gesture.

"Don't let me down when the ceremony comes. You know I hate being bored more than you." he replies, taking the wrist of the arm on his shoulder and moving it away. "Just go; I'll wait."

The Houndour nods, quickly heading off to find Garwin. Karl was always a skilled fighter, but for him to be confident enough to consider Collyn as the only apparent competition somewhat unsettled him. How much have they changed over there year? How much have the gap between them widened as he was recovering?

Simply the distinct, cautious footsteps informed Garwin of Collyn's presence as soon as the knight-to-be walked inside the lobby. The Mienshao, leaning back against the hard wooden wall, didn't bother to open his resting eyes as he was approached.

"You took your time. A few pieces of news that I picked up while you were occupied: the good news was that the Scyther is currently under custody by charges of fraud. It would be a fair idea for you to provide them the ring he used."

"There's bad news?" Collyn asked, not exactly interested in the fate of that petty con artist who wasted his time today.

"The foreigner from Kahan, Karsha, was hired again this year to be an Accum. There's no guarantee in the first place that she was actually involved in the loss of a knight and his Accum last year, but it's better we try to stay away from her until the ceremony."

"You speak as if she's near..." Garwin gave a wry smile, hearing the hesistation. He probably already knows while being in slight denial.

"Karl, that was his name, no? Your friend has decided on quite the interesting Accum, wouldn't you agree? Karsha told me that he's extremely eager to face you in the ceremony. That Lucario is most definitely going to teach him a few things along the way. We too, should get to work, Collyn."

"We should," Collyn tersly agreed. Time to forget about the past; Karl wants a show when they get to the stage. Well, he better be prepared to give one.
 
As they got back on the streets, in sight stood a Lucario.
This is the only weird part I saw and I'm not sure how best to fix it. Also, when's the first place Karsha is mentioned? I need to refresh my memory so I can fully grasp what happened at the end of the chapter.
 
Here you go. It's in Chapter Four:
"The interesting part is that this missing knight-to-be was the favorite among the Council."

"So he was the anticipated High Knight had he not gone missing?" Collyn asked, beginning to understand and dread where Garwin was going with this.

"That is correct. Under the Council's orders, we kept this whole affair quiet, but I suspect foul play..." Garwin continued, trailing off. Collyn remained silent for some time, wondering if Garwin would conclude with his reason for the early leave. Two minutes of silence convinced Collyn otherwise, so he finished the conversation.

"One of the Accums caused it, right?"

"Yes, you're right..."

"So who do you think it is?" Collyn asked, pressing on the matter to speed up this whole affair.

"A Kahan bounty hunter named Karsha. She became an Accum just last year."

"Accums can be foreigners?"

Garwin shook his head.

"No, not under normal circumstances. An appeal to the Council has to be made to waive the native-born requirement. I'm not sure why they allowed her to be an exception, but the Spring incident naturally puts her under suspicion."
 
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