Writing Everyone Likes a Good Love Story, Right? (Song)

Shivershaft

Shivershaft

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Alright, so I've been off hidden away working on my demo tape for about a month or so now, and this is one of my better songs that i've finished for lyrics. I wanted to see what you guys think, and I'm looking for legit critiques on the structure and the actual song itself. Like, does it sound cheesy or stupid, or if it sounds like it has potential. I just want comments, so anything helps.

Everyone Likes a Good Love Story, Right?

It started with a kiss
That grew into a monster
Who ate our feelings whole
At the bottom
All that we once had
Sits and melts away
We fell apart

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of trajedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding face the facts
All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love, all over again

The eyes I grew to trust
Turned the image around
Without even asking if thats what I want
No it wasn't
Now let me see things through
So I can see where I stand
You can't trust anyone
These days

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of trajedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding face the facts
All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love all over again

A monster
That stood in the way of the truth
Showing me all that i've become
A monster
Is who I really am
No more

This went to far
Let's go back
Turn around
The canvas stands
Our painting's just begun
Finish it off.

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of trajedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding face the facts
All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love all over again
 
It started with a kiss
That grew into a monster
Who ate our feelings whole
At the bottom
All that we once had
Sits and melts away
We fell apart

6-7-4-5-5-4 is the sllyble pattern.

I'd take "at the bottom" out because a 7 to 4 syllable jump I'd imagine would be sorta, um... sound unusual.

Great Song though.
 
glaceon said:
It started with a kiss
That grew into a monster
Who ate our feelings whole
At the bottom
All that we once had
Sits and melts away
We fell apart

6-7-4-5-5-4 is the sllyble pattern.

I'd take "at the bottom" out because a 7 to 4 syllable jump I'd imagine would be sorta, um... sound unusual.

Great Song though.
Click to expand...

between whole and at, I have a planned fill by either guitar or trumpet (depending on what style i go for with the song) that will make it roll together. Also, im going to go for one of two sounds with this song:

No, It Isn't - +44

OR

Lexington (Joey Pea-Pot With a Monkey Face) - Chiodos

The first one is more alternative, while the second has more of the alternative almost jazzy sound, with screamo blend, so i'm not sure yet. what do you guys think? maybe give the songs a listen, and then decide. haha
 
Is it weird that while I was reading this song, I actually had a guitar tune playing in my head, that actually worked well with the lyrics?

I actually like the theme of the song as a whole. A relationship that started off strong, but then ended up degrading into a shallow piece of what it was once. I liked the idea - I like it a lot.

The only thing that doesn't make sense to me right now is the following line: "Two faces in the crowd // Fell in love, all over again". In light of the rest of the song, this looks almost disjointed. Can you explain?
 
DNA said:
Is it weird that while I was reading this song, I actually had a guitar tune playing in my head, that actually worked well with the lyrics?

I actually like the theme of the song as a whole. A relationship that started off strong, but then ended up degrading into a shallow piece of what it was once. I liked the idea - I like it a lot.

The only thing that doesn't make sense to me right now is the following line: "Two faces in the crowd // Fell in love, all over again". In light of the rest of the song, this looks almost disjointed. Can you explain?
Click to expand...

I'd like to hear the chord progression sometimes, :b

and those two lines basically add up to the whole thing where he's talking about turning away. He wants to restart the relationship, and he imagines falling in love with her again. He wants to change completely, become total strangers with her, and then fall in love again. Those two lines were the only lines i kept from the original part of the song when i went more in depth about going separate ways and becoming perfect strangers, basically. I'm not sure what else i could change it to, at the moment.
 
Oh, that makes much more sense; thanks for explaining it.
 
I love you too ali.


Reminds me of Mr. Brightside :p Nice Poem. Make it into a song.
 
Juliacoolo said:
I love you too ali.


Reminds me of Mr. Brightside :p Nice Poem. Make it into a song.
Click to expand...

I didn't even realize that but oh my god as soon as you said mr brightside and i read the first line, it all clicked for me... >.<
 
I've seen pictures of you and Ali... JS.

Did you like break up and get back together or something?

Good song, though. :D
 
I want to critique, except I think I'd have trouble explaining what I mean. I'm going to fix the lyrics to what I think could sound better, and then I'll leave you to judge if I'm saying the right things.

It started with a kiss
That grew into a monster
Who ate our feelings wholeall
At the bottom
All that we once had
Now Sits and melts away
We fell apart

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of a tragedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles- no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding let's face the facts
ThatAll we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are were
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
WeFell in love, all over again

The Those eyes I grew to trust
Turned the imageFlipped the script around
Without even asking if thats what I want
No it wasn't
Now let me see this things through
So I can see where I stand
You can't trust anyone
These days

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of a tragedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding let's face the facts
That All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are were
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love all over again

A The monster
That had stood in the way of the truth
Showinged me all that i've I have become
A monster, no more
Is who I really am
No more

This went too far
SoLet's go back
And Turn around
ToThe canvas stands
Our painting's just begun
Finish it off. This Masterpiece has begun

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of trajedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding face the facts
All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love all over again

Now to explain most of my thoughts. I love your concept of wanting to redo and make a new love. I love your motif of the painting. Your chorus (?) is excellent. Most of the changes I made was to keep the tense of the story, spelling mistakes, and I said things in a different more precise way. I removed the end of the story because I felt as though it was too repetitive as you've said everything you've had to say, and ending it where I pointed out gives the story the strongest feeling. You're a very good writer with a very good imagination, you need to work on the finese of how you put your ideas out there. I'd be more than happy to explain any changes I advised, and would be ecstatic to see your final draft. I'll be sure to check for it.

EDIT: I only just realized this was a song. Some of my changes are more relevant than others then. Made a lot of comments thinking it was a poem :/
 
lilsparks101 said:
I want to critique, except I think I'd have trouble explaining what I mean. I'm going to fix the lyrics to what I think could sound better, and then I'll leave you to judge if I'm saying the right things.

It started with a kiss
That grew into a monster
Who ate our feelings wholeall
At the bottom
All that we once had
Now Sits and melts away
We fell apart

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of a tragedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles- no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding let's face the facts
ThatAll we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are were
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
WeFell in love, all over again

The Those eyes I grew to trust
Turned the imageFlipped the script around
Without even asking if thats what I want
No it wasn't
Now let me see this things through
So I can see where I stand
You can't trust anyone
These days

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of a tragedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding let's face the facts
That All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are were
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love all over again

A The monster
That had stood in the way of the truth
Showinged me all that i've I have become
A monster, no more
Is who I really am
No more

This went too far
SoLet's go back
And Turn around
ToThe canvas stands
Our painting's just begun
Finish it off. This Masterpiece has begun

Beautifully we, fell apart
A symphony of trajedy
For months we tried to make it work
But you can only try so hard
Before you break down

No more smiles no more laughs
Let's turn our backs on all we had
No more hiding face the facts
All we had is in the past
At the canvas here we stare
Wishing that we could go back

No memory of who we are
Without a grasp on what this was
Two faces in the crowd
Fell in love all over again

Now to explain most of my thoughts. I love your concept of wanting to redo and make a new love. I love your motif of the painting. Your chorus (?) is excellent. Most of the changes I made was to keep the tense of the story, spelling mistakes, and I said things in a different more precise way. I removed the end of the story because I felt as though it was too repetitive as you've said everything you've had to say, and ending it where I pointed out gives the story the strongest feeling. You're a very good writer with a very good imagination, you need to work on the finese of how you put your ideas out there. I'd be more than happy to explain any changes I advised, and would be ecstatic to see your final draft. I'll be sure to check for it.

EDIT: I only just realized this was a song. Some of my changes are more relevant than others then. Made a lot of comments thinking it was a poem :/
Click to expand...

Hahaha i've been getting that a lot, XP but I will take most of these changes, depending on if it flows better with the song or not. I've just been working on developing a chord progression that complements the mood of the song. I decided i'm going for more of the jazzy, Lexington (Joey Pea-pot with a monkey face) sound. But anywho, thanks for the full critique, love it. :D has anyone caught the reference I make here?

The eyes I grew to trust
Turned the image around
Without even asking if thats what I want
No it wasn't
Now let me see things through

How the brain flips the image that you see, because if it werent for the brain, we'd see everything upside down. This really just points out how our brain does so many things for us as a given, without us even knowing. This is more hinting towards the idea of how our brain will convince us to assume things in a situation, and we believe it and our brain tells us it's the truth. I thought it was a little clever add it. :b
 
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