Writing FEEDBACK! PLEASE! 'Sunset' By: Bubba235

Bubba235

Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior! :)
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Sunset

Preface:

------It was sunset. The ocean was clear, the air, musty and hotter than usual. A silent breeze swept across
my face, my hair playing across my eyes. My feet guided me across the sparkling beach at a jogging pace.
I wondered, thinking thoughts, unimportant at the time. But soon, the image of her, the beautiful goddess,
ran through the busyness which was my brain. I attempted, as hard as I could to throw her out of my head,
never to see her wonderful, calming face again. It didn’t happen. I thought of her until the sand came up and
slapped me against my cheek. I felt dazed, almost dead. The light flew away from my eyes.

Chapter One - The Champion:

*3 years earlier*

"The crowd goes WILD as the breathtaking Arcanine takes a HUGE bite out of Alakazam with it's vigorous
Crunch attack!" I hear the bewildered announcer scream under the yelling of the crowd. The energy in the
gigantic stadium makes the ground shake.

"Finish it NOW!" The words coming out as if I had said them a million times before.

Arcanine swiftly opens it's enormous fangs and breathes a cloud of fire onto Alakazam. I hear the rumble
of many voices coming from the swarm of human bodies surrounding me.

"The Challenger finally goes DOWN!" The announcer says many times.

I walk toward the center of the stadium as does my dispointed challenger. He walks with his head down,
looking up with a destroyed face. Our hands meet.

"Great battle Harry! You really gave me the challenge I was hoping for!" I exclaim.

"Yeah," He looks down in disgust, "but I am still not good enough," he gets out with a sigh, "My dad is going
to be very angry."

"Don't sweat it bro! Hey, I see a lot of me inside of you. You will certainly rise to the top one day, no doubt.
Just keep your chin up and keep on training. The day will come." The crowd still cheering in the background
of our conversation.

"Do you mean that?" he asks with a troubled look on his face.

"With my whole heart," I grin. "I hope to see you back here in the next few months. Now THAT will be a great
battle!" I see his eyes perk up.

"Thank you. And don't doubt that I will see you very soon, but that time, I will get the glory!" he
says with his mouth carving a huge grin on his face.

I laugh. "We will just have to wait and see about that one, now won't we?" I smile, respectfully back at him.
After a breif pause, we turn to all the watchful and cheering eyes as we lock hands and raise them above our
heads.
____________________________________

Walking out of the stadium, through all the fulfilled faces, I finally see daylight. It had gotten much colder
since entering the building, maybe 5 to 10 degrees less. I pull my red jacket from around my waist and hoist
it up to my shoulders, fixing it around my body.

Seeing my car about one hundred feet ahead of me, I click the automatic starter on my key. Technology,
a wonderful, convenient thing. I open the driver seat door and lower myself into my red, Mustang convertable.
'Finally. Rest,' I think to myself. Letting my body seep into the chair, I slowly begin to fall asleep.

A violent knocking throws me from my dreams, "Hey hey bud!"

I open my eyes and stare out the window. Sigh. Lenny.

"Hey! Open the window so I can see ya!"

Relentlessly, my hands find the window button and the window smoothly finds it's path through the door.

"Hey! REALLY nice job out there today. You can neva fail, now can ya?"

"I guess not Len--" I get cut off.

"So, whatcha doin' now, huh? Wanna go get a few hamburgers with me and a few of my friends? I'm
buyin'!" I follow his chubby finger as it points behind him to a group of about fifteen young women, giggling
to themselves.

"Eh, I don't know if I--" Cut off again.

"Cool! Sounds good! I'll see ya there in a few then, eh?" He walks back towards is 'friends'. "Let's go
girls!", I hear him call. I slowly drift back to my world.

"Idiot," I scoff to myself.

Lenny is the type of guy who always gets what he wants, not because everybody loves him, but because
he is one of the most richest men in our world today. His chubby little hands are wrapped around money
wherever he goes, always giving some to the next hot girl he passes on the streets. That doesn't mean
he does nothing to gain it though. Lenny Balswieder is the third of his family to be the owner of the famous
'Worldwide Poke'Mart' Organization. The WPM, as most call it, uses greatly advanced technology to sell
pokemon merchandise and helpful tools all across the globe. Lenny's grandfather began the organization,
hoping to gain a few bucks, but ended up gaining millions in just one year. Lenny's grandfather soon grew
old and handed the success to his son, Lenny's father. He was actually the person who helped me start
my journey ten years ago, when Lenny and I began being best friends. But, ever since Lenny's father
handed the organization to him, it has all gone to his head. Instead of working his tail off in his position at
WPM, he gallavants around, and buys anything that could entertain him for a few hours, and I am not just
talking about material things.

Sigh. 'I need to get home,' I think to myself. Putting the car into drive, I ease off the brake and gently
leave the parking lot.

I finally arrive home, and stop in my driveway. I hear the Starlys and Taillows singing in the oran berry trees
in my front lawn. I put my car into park and open the door. I begin to laugh.

"Brrrark! Brrrark!" I hear, not suprised to see myself staring at my faithful sidekick.

"Hey Growlithe! How did you get out...again?" I chuckle. I turn my head to see half the front door charcoaled
and laying on the ground. "Finally! You learned Ember!?"

"Brrrark brrark!" A puff of smoke leaves his maturing teeth.

"Great! But next time, don't make me have to repair my house, alright?"

"Brrrark!" I notice he doesn't really care about the sounds that are coming out of my mouth, as he can't really
understand at the moment. I wheel around and follow the stone path leading to my front door, Growlithe one
step behind me the whole way. As I step up the stairs and put my hand on the doorknob, Growlithe starts to
rumble a growl.

"What is it boy?" I ask, confused.

I open the top half of the door, only to see a grave, dark figure standing three feet away from the
enterance. I hear massive barking in the background, but I don't pay attention to it.

"W-w-what are you doing here?" My voice cracks.

"I wanted to see you again," the familiar voice answered.

Chapter Two - Her(and Him):

I have always thought to myself about this moment. Did I want it to come? Did I want to see her beautiful
face again?

"It has been too long," she said in a tone that broke my heart.

"It has," I half said to myself.

There was a breif pause. The wind began picking up outside, blowing against the back of my neck. I hear
Growlithe's footsteps crawl to my side.

"So, how have you been?" Wow. What a stupid question.

"Umm, okay," she answers, "You?"

"The same," I say, awkwardly. The silence shook definatly in my ears.

"So how's he doing?" I imphasize the he intensly.

"Well...you know how these things go. Let's just say I needed a break from him." A daggar stabs into my
heart the moment those words came out. "So I came back."

"For what reason?" I try to hold back the hatred tone in my voice.

"I already told you. To see you again." She takes a step closer, out of the dark light she was once in. I
see her feet straddled into flip-flops, her pale legs bare up to her jean short-shorts, and a bright red
t-shirt on her torso. I flick my eyes to her face. I find myself not being able to look away, as I scan over
her left cheek. Something's not right. A dark, red line covered her once magical face. I hurry to
glance at the floor.

"I see..." is all I can spurt out of my mouth.

"Jordan..." I lift my head up, just in time to see her eyes begin to water, "I need you...again...". A tear drops
to the ground. I glance once again at the floor beneath me.

I find my arms not being able to move from the statue that they have become. My legs in the same state.
I feel her eyes burning holes through my face. I quickly try to think of a way to change this. Either change
the subject or change myself. Those were the only two choices left.

"Jordan..." her voice rings in my ear.

That did it. My feet drifted a step closer, my arms reaching out until her warm body was emerced inside them.
Her face dropped into my chest. I felt tears, rushing out of her eyes.

An hour went by in that position. The position I was waiting for for 3 years, yet, the position I was hoping
would never come again. I had so many questions, but I couldn't break out of this, not now, not ever. I ran
my previous life through my head. All those wonderful times I would never forget. All those love filled nights
with candle-light. All those laughs by the ocean. All those, deception filled lies. All those heart-breaking moments.
And, that one moment in my life. The moment I thought I was going to die. The moment that truly did kill me,
my true self, my former self...

I released her body in an instant. I hear a sigh come from her lips. I storm to the corner of the room. Trying to
hold back tears in my eyes.

"W-what is it?" She asks, confusion in her tone.

"Get...out..." It comes slowly out of my raging lips.

"But, Jordan. I...I need you."

"That's what I said," my voice at a whisper, "Three years ago..."

Dead silence flowed through the dark house.

------End of Chapter 2------
 
Thanks! I will keep on trying to improve and make better chapters as I go along. I haven't written an actual story for so long. =P
 
Oh yes! Oh joy! Oh happiness! Finally someone who can WRITE!

Too lazy to read the whole thing, but the first part was great. :)
 
lol! Well, read what you can for now. =P Thanks so much for the feedback. I was getting very angry that no one was posting. =D
 
This is actually good! =3

Keep it up Bubba, or I'll eat your cat. =p
 
Yes! More feedback! Thanks! And I am planning on starting Chapter Two tomorrow. =D

(Just don't eat my cat okay? =P)
 
Omg. Yes. The writing corner has been waiting for you. :eek:

It was awesome, and a cut above the usual fanfics here. I honestly cant wait to read more, which is not something that happens often when I visit this forum.

If I have one piece of advice, it's to keep going. Your'e doing great, and I want MOAR! D:

8D
 
Thanks to all of you! And I knew I said I would work on it today, but I had SO MUCH going on outside of Pokebeach, it will have to wait until tomorrow, or Sunday. I would do it now, but I have to leave for a birthday party.

And no worries, I will make sure this keeps on going. =D
 
Alright. It has been WAY too long and I knew it was going to be. I just didn't want to tell you guys and disappoint you. I am also going to be busy ALL this week, so I may not get another chapter in until this weekend, but after that I should have plenty of time.

Anyways, about Chapter Two. I had to do this fast as I also have a REALLY bust day today. I had MANY ideas of how I was going to do this. It is PRETTY short, about half of the first chapter, but it is meant to be read slowly, with a lot of meaning.

I don't know for sure if I gave you enough information throughout so you can know EXACTLY what is going on, but you will be the judge of that. I hope you like it and PLEASE give me feedback. It is the only way I can get motivated to write more. =D

*EDIT: The Prologue is now set THREE YEARS AGO! Big difference than 6 months. I had to make it fit the story. =P
 
Lol. Seeing all this new stuff is making me want to do my fic again... and I think that's something that will have to happen soon D:

Pretty decent read though. A few typos and such, but nothing too major. Not a bad read for what you have out there :)
 
Thanks! =D I know I am not the best, but I can do some good work. =)

Hopefully Chapter Three will be up after some others read and post about Chapter Two. =P
 
Very cool. I really like the story, it's also very mysterious, makes me want to read more. But I can;t until you make it!
 
meowth14 said:
Good chapter! :D A bit short, though.
I know it was quite short, but it still had a lot of information. I am hoping the next chapter I will be able to think up enough to be double the size of the first chapter. =D If not, I will just add Chapter Three and Chapter Four together. It may take a while, but if it is long chapters you guys want, I will try to succeed! =D

Daren said:
Very cool. I really like the story, it's also very mysterious, makes me want to read more. But I can't until you make it!
Thanks! I try to be a mysterious writer. =) Keep on coming back for more!
 
I have to say I'm quite impressed. I'm not a regular visitor to the Writing Corner, so it was mostly chance that I checked out yours. :p

I used to like writing, though I could never really focus myself enough to really get down to it, but you've ALMOST tempted me to try my hand at it. Almost. :p
 
lol! You should certainly do it. That is how I started this one. lol! And so far, it is going quite good. =D
 
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