Writing Fun With Toys

Pride

May I kill him?
Member
So quick boring background: I'm not a very good writer, I was better when I was actually in school and stuff but I havent written anything besides a few Pokemon analysis in a few years and btw this doesnt have anything to do with Pokemon, at all. But I wrote this early today when i got off work cause I thought of it while I was there and even though its not great or even good I had fun writing. Its not exactly long (821 words) and I plan on making it longer at a later date but I just wanted to share it. I guess you could call it chapter one? Or just very short story. Its saved as "Fun With Toys" because I cant think of anything better to call it xP So here we go....

“I gotta surprise for us, I know your old dog died before you got to play with it, so I thought of you and got ya a new one. I know you've been playing with ones but it'll be different and fun I suppose.”

We walk for a while, we have a spot so we both can get away. Its a little into the woods, we have some trees marked, tie around the truck with red ribbon, just in case we cant find our spot or if we get lost. We've never gotten lost and I don't think we ever will but Jeremy said it would be a good idea and he's usually right about these things anyways.

I like the woods. So much life around. My class taught me some of the plants about how they grow, use sunlight to make their own food, or how they create oxygen for the planet but I don't care too much for them. The animals are more exciting. I like watching them move, breathe, sometimes I get lucky and I get to watch them eat. And I know I'm not suppose to but I love to play with them, if I get the chance.

Jeremy grabs me by the hand leading me, though I know where we are going. Cause like I said its our spot but I like it when he grabs my hand, so I don't think much about it. He's two years older then me and a boy but he's like me. And kids like us gotta stick together otherwise we have no friends and have to do everything alone. I don't mind all that much being alone, I'd say I'd rather be alone almost all the time, but Jeremy is a good person not to be alone with.

I've always thought Jeremy was a little goofy looking. He had large round framed glasses, his blondish hair was always in his face, he always had to move it out of his face to see, which made me wonder why he even wore his glasses since he was always running into everything. Lucky for him though those same awful glasses hid his unusually big eyes and made people not notice that he was missing the bottom part of his left ear, most of the time.

“Come now, see. I tied it 'round the tree.”

“What kind is that? Where'd you get it? It seems a bit scared of me.”

“Yeah its a little nervous I guess, and I just found'em 'kay? Not too sure what kind it is. And I got our toys to play with it. And a few new ones Marlene.”

“Really! I tried getting more for my kitties but my daddy hurt me again when you saw me with them. He took back all the toys and... Do ya think I can pet it?”

“I don't know about your dad. I don't like'em. He should just go away so he'd never hurt you again... Um... Yeah I guess its okie if you pet. Just be careful Marlene, a scared animal is a dangerous one. I'd rather you not get bit. Just be patient, give it the treats we brought, and it'll come to us.”

I do as Jeremy tells me and, like the trees of being better safe then sorry, he's right. After a while of me giving It cookies, it stops whining and barking. It puts its ears down, and acts almost excited to see me, tugging on its rope. It took longer then I want but I can finally touch it with my hand without it trying to nip me. I pat its head for a while, rubbing its belly when it turns over with glee and after a while it lays down for a nap.

“Jeremy, can you hand my the toys now? We gotta play with our new buddy. My favorite one?”

I look at him and he smiles. “Sure,” he says, “its been long enough.” And he gives me a toy. Not my favorite one but a new one. And I love it. I tug on its ear to wake it, it gives a yawn and stretches out its thin, scrawny legs. Its excited to see me again and already wants more treats. I take a moment and just look at it and smile. I drive the toy through to its neck. It starts crying and barking. Bright vermillion blood sprays out of the wound, wetting my face and soaking my shirt. I love the blood. I drive the toy the its chest this time, it gives one last thrash and dies.

“Jeremy do you wanna start with the cutting toys? I started last time and so it should be your turn this time. But I wanna get the head this time.”

I like the woods. So much life around. So much to play with.
 
So much fun it is, isn't it you two? I wonder if you guys want to be played with instead. Lovely thought indeed. :)

Anyway, it's definitely a decent read, although there are a few punctuation and capitalization errors with a few run-on sentences. A more important issue nagging at me is the verbs; in tales of fiction, the verbs used in fiction (Not counting dialogue) are usually past, not present, because it had already happened.

In terms of plot development, it's rather nicely paced. Bit short, but you already acknowledge that and you did fit in all the important/key ideas, so nothing to worry about there.

Is this to be continued? Or are you planning on just extending its length?
 
Man, Pride. Man.

As I was reading through this, one thing I found myself thinking was "hey, this is just like my childhood!", and I even smiled at some of the charming similarities between your story and my early years... until I reached the last three paragraphs of course. That really caught me off guard, and hit me pretty strong too. I guess I just didn't expect something so dark to be written by you haha
 
@bacon

Haha I actually like to write some dark stuff =p I got a few ideas from my own childhood, I like to add my life to my fiction. Makes it feel more real imo

@Zyflair

Yeah grammar is something I have mild problems; I always need a grammar and spell check from some one. And I use past/present when its not called for, a problem thats happened since I've been out of school (wanna pm me a grammar check? :)) And I plan on extending it and making it to be continued, I have something in the works atm. It might just be a collection of short stories though :p I have a lot of them.
 
I'm flattered, but I don't exactly have that much time to do the editing. I know DNA as a possible person, as he's editing my fanfic.

Ok. I'm curious to read more; it sounds like you've got some good stuff 'in the works'. :p
 
Yeah, the story hooked me from the beginning, but then it took that sharp turn at the end and I was in pure shock. This should definitely be continued.

dmaster out.
 
dmaster said:
Yeah, the story hooked me from the beginning, but then it took that sharp turn at the end and I was in pure shock.

Exactly what I wanted. Kind of turning something completely innocent turning it inside out. I got the idea from a painting I saw a long time ago in art class.

I'm done with my updated version of this, having a few people grammar check it and I started the second section of it. I plan on posting it soon so hopefully you'll come back to check it out when I finally get it up.
 
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