Writing Gem of Helix (Update: Chapter 4 Preview)

Arcticwhite

You win or you die.
Member
Okay, this story I've been working on for a while now, and the first chapter's 16 pages long on Publisher, so I think I should post it...

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BLURB: A 12 year old girl, Emerald, just got hit by meteorite. Well, her school did anyway. But that meteoite wasn't just a disaster, it bared a gift - the end of the world. The very next day, Earth is covered in a mysterious blanket of sulphur, and crawling with carnivorous space worms that thrive in the gas. But, what has it all got to do with a gem forged from the very heart of the Helix Nebula?


Chapter 1 + 2
Chapter 3
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

Here are the Part One mistakes. The corrections are in bold.

Too bad these things have consequences, or I'd be a kicking, punching, fighting machine.

(And between these quotes, Mr Daryl comes into the scene, yet you should have stated his name as Mr. Daryl.)

School was shut down for the rest of the day, so I caught the train home.

“Are you both okay? How big was it? Did it kill anyone?” she asked impatiently.

“Mum, people died, okay, I’m not in the mood.” I replied sullenly.

The most recent quote... the one mistake in it was a period at the end of the dialogue, where a comma should've been. Don't worry, this is a common mistake among beginners. ^.^

Now, for the Part Two mistakes... let's see what we have.

I think the gas was Sulphur, a toxic, smelly thick gas usually released by volcanoes.

It's actually spelled "sulfur". :p

Its mouth opened and its thin, sticky tongue stretched towards me, wrapping itself around my arms. It was planning to constrict me; it'd eat me.

...

agh, there were a lot of mistakes in the parts. I hope you can correct some of them... >_<
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

Sulphur is just the British English spelling. I also say 'Fullstop' instead of 'Period'...

Thanks for the critique, I'll update!
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

I would strongly suggest against lumping chapters in the OP. That's about as disorganized as you can get in terms of fanfic formatting, and that's not to mention that you will inevitably run out of typing space in it. Most writers put their chapters into separate posts within the fanfic's thread. That way, you can link to later chapters and create an organized Table of Contents in the OP with said links included. Sorry this isn't the critique I promised, but I wanted to make sure I got the organization issues in your fic addressed first since good presentation is important when posting on a writing or art forum.
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

Incinermyn said:
I would strongly suggest against lumping chapters in the OP. That's about as disorganized as you can get in terms of fanfic formatting, and that's not to mention that you will inevitably run out of typing space in it. Most writers put their chapters into separate posts within the fanfic's thread. That way, you can link to later chapters and create an organized Table of Contents in the OP with said links included. Sorry this isn't the critique I promised, but I wanted to make sure I got the organization issues in your fic addressed first since good presentation is important when posting on a writing or art forum.

In the other story I did (which is now practically dead) many people told me I shouldn't post chapters seperately, as they can get lost and would be a pain to find for readers. This story also isn't a fanfic, I made up the entire story myself.
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

Don't listen to them. That's why you create a table of contents with links to chapters, so they don't get lost in the thread. Lumping them together looks bad and, like I said, you will run out of typing space due to each post (supposedly) having a character limit.
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

Chapter 1 Full:

1: These Things Never Happen

Ugh. It’s school again, after a lovely, rainy summer holiday. It came and left so quickly I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye, and now it’s just another school-day Monday. Yet the holiday was fun, what's ahead is gonna be rollercoaster of near death experiences, carnivorous worms and a peculiar gem with powers of unknown origins. No one ever wants to live that, but unfortunately I am not known for my luck. I am Emerald Arikton, at just the age of 12, and I have a story of how I spent the rest of this year:

Monday, the worst day of a school week. It’s right after the weekend, and there’s four more days until Saturday. Plus, I have all the worst lessons on Monday:

TIMETABLE : ARIKTON, EMERALD (Mon., Week A)
1 Maths Rm A12
2 Spanish Rm C11
3 English Rm A4
4 Geography Rm C4
5 History Rm B1

Worst. Day. Ever. And the worst thing yet is that I have absolutely no friends in any of these classes, so I just look like a loner. When it comes down to working in groups, I end up working with either an autistic person, or if I’m lucky, a person whose friends aren’t here. It’s usually my friends which are absent making my life so much depressing than it needs to be. But somehow, I manage.

This morning I headed up to the train station to catch my daily train that stops by the school. Again, none of my friends take it, just a load of people that fight a lot. My friend gets driven to school by their dad, so I wait for them by the school entrance. She’s mostly late, and people stare at me whilst they are all in their big groups. They point and whisper things about me 24/7, and, to be honest, I wish I could just punch them in the face.

Too bad these things have consequences, or I’d be a kicking, punching, fighting machine.

Sure enough, my friend was late by 5 minutes after the second bell which indicates the deadline of arriving at school. Kassie was always late, I don’t even know why I bothered to wait for her.

“Kassie, why are you late?”

“Sorry sir...” She replied whilst she was catching her breath from running up the hill.

“I’ll have to mark you down as late on the register. Go sit in your place.”

Kassie took her place, which was between two boys named Josh and Larson, who were both extremely annoying and mean. All the boys in my class don’t respect anyone but themselves, that’s why they always get into trouble and fights. They’re all attention seekers, their goal every day is to be the loudest one with the most demerits so they can move up in the boys’ hierarchy. The girls on the other hand, were mostly quiet apart from Kassie, who also was an attention seeker, too.

Moving on, my base tutor Mr.Daryl put up the screen to show our merits, demerits and net points so we could write them down in our planners. So far, I had no demerits, but that might change today. You never know what might happen each day, so I’m prepared for anything. I had no idea on what was about to hit me. Literally, hit me.

A meteor had entered our atmosphere without warning, The government is held in a panic, everyone else as oblivious as usual.

The meteor showed no sign of breaking apart, and then...
BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!

I was suddenly standing in a cluster of debris and rubble, everyone coughing in the midst of pale dust from the shattered wall.

“Kassie!” I coughed as loudly as I could.

“Emerald, what has just happened?”

“I... I don’t know. Where’s Mr Daryl?” I replied as I wafted dust from my face.

“Is everyone okay?!” Mr Daryl stood up from his desk, dusting himself down.

“I think Harry’s dead!” A voice came from the left, where the meteor had landed.

“So is Emily... I never got to say bye...” A voice of dismay came from the right by the collapsed wall.

“Oh god... Why???” Mr Daryl breathed as he saw the dead, crushed bodies.

“Call an ambulance, now!” Kassie snapped at me as she saw her crush got... crushed.

I called for an ambulance, just as other classes came to see why they just saw a meteor crash into the building.

“Mr Daryl... Are you okay?” Mrs Ericson exclaimed as she saw the disaster that only happened just minutes ago.

Mr Daryl was okay, but his students weren’t.
5 minutes later sirens screeched from outside, the NHS, the police and the fire brigade were all on the school yard, investigating what just occurred. Everyone was evacuated outside, some carried out on stretchers and in body bags. The meteor was carried to a large truck which then took it to a restricted area near Emley Moor, though I have never heard of it before...

School was shut down for the rest of the day, so I caught the train home. I was still shocked by today’s events, and I was at a standstill for the rest of the day. My Monday wasn’t so boring after all, but people I was friends with just got squashed by a giant space rock from far into the galaxy.

Before I left to go home with Kassie, I saw a white glimmer by the broken wall on the floor. I came closer to it, and realised it was a pretty gemstone, carved into a rectangular shape. Its colours were green and yellow abstract, and it was about 5cm long. I decided to pick it up and take it home with me.

Kassie came to my house for lunch today, but it gives a chance for Mum to get a good taste of what it’s like to be hit by a meteor.

“Are you both okay? How big was it? Did it kill anyone?” She asked impatiently.

“Mum, people died, okay, I’m not in the mood", I replied sullenly.

“You’re right; this is all going to be on the news because it’s so unlikely, and so drastic.” She said.

After a while Kassie went home, so I walked up to my room. These things never happen in real life, what meteor has ever hit a school, in Huddersfield? The meteor was probably 2 meters wide, and 3 meters tall. I’m surprised it didn’t create an impact crater, blowing Pratum High School in to nothing but a pile of worthless rubble. Pratum is actually Latin for meadow, or a broad expanse. I have no idea on why they named the school ‘Meadow High’, but there you go.

I took the gemstone I found earlier out of my trouser pocket, admiring the complexity of its spectrum. I didn’t know what it was, it wasn’t anything I’d seen before. Too complex to be glass, I took it to a jewellers in town the next day.

“Hello, I haven’t seen you around here before.” The shopkeeper said soothingly, she was quite young with short ginger hair.

“Well, I was wondering if you could tell me what this is.” I showed her the gem, it glinted against the soft lights on the ceiling.

“I’ve never seen this before... is it real?” She asked.

“I’m sure of it.”

The shopkeeper gently picked it up from my palm and held it to a lamp.

“It’s... beautiful. Where did you get this?”

“I found it when that meteor hit my school... is it... from space?”

I thought about that, but what could carve a gem so delicately, and why would they throw it into a meteor?

“Maybe, but why was it in a meteor in the first place?” The shopkeeper examined the gem more; she scraped it along a glass, it made a deep cut down from the top.

“As tough as diamond, as colourful as opal...” She spoke to herself inquisitively.

“I don’t know what this is... mind if I keep it for the night to study?” She said.

I replied: “Sure, I’ll come back for it tomorrow.”

If only I knew... If only it could happen sooner. But I guess mankind is unlucky this time around.

This morning I could smell something pungent in the air, like rotting eggs left out in the sun for three weeks, and I don’t even have the window open. My eyes were tired and covered in a dry sleep, so I steadily got up from my comfy bed. I yanked the curtains open only to see a dense layer of fog covering the entire town, the only thing is that this fog was a musty yellow, and stank like sulphur. It was weird as I thought I was still dreaming; fog can’t be yellow! It’s impossible, and fog doesn’t smell like sulphur! But it was all too real, so I crept downstairs to only find more fog out of the window.

“Mum, come look at this!” I shouted up the stairs, but there was no reply. I shouted again: “Mum!!!”. Still no reply, so I stumbled back up the stairs and knocked on her door.

“Mum, look outside, it’s really weird!” I banged on the door, but she still didn’t reply.
I swung the door open, only to find that Mum was gone; there was a big crack in the window, big enough for a person to fit through.

Blood drops were scattered on the pale carpet, along with glass and mysterious transparent globules of slime dripping down the wall and along the broken glass window. It stank like sulphur, so I covered my face with my top. I think the gas was Sulphur, a toxic, smelly thick gas usually released by volcanoes.

I had no idea on why there was so much, so I checked the BBC News on the TV.

“A meteor struck a local high school in Huddersfield, and was taken away by scientists and researchers to study. The meteor has released a gas called sulphur dioxide; there was so much of this gas the entire planet is covered in the dense gas, absorbing sunlight. It may be the end of humanity for all we know. But another amazing discovery is that scientists have found tiny eggs within the sulphur, which could grow into an alien race. But one thing for sure is DO NOT BREATHE THE GAS; you will breathe in toxins and tiny alien eggs. More news coming up...”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I was almost certain it was all a dream, so by proving it I kept telling myself to wake up, and I pinched myself a few times as well for good measure. Nothing worked, everything was really happening.

Earth is hidden away in a thick blanket which will eventually turn this planet into another Venus, a volcanic, sulphuric climate with average temperatures of 360 degrees Celsius. We’ll all boil and die.

Worst yet, there are alien eggs floating around which might either grow into something smart that could save us, something smart and incredibly dangerous, or worse: Something incredibly stupid and even more so dangerous. All was not looking bright for humanity ... especially when we were covered in a toxic cloud blocking out the sunlight.

I almost forgot... my gem is still at the jewellers, I’d have to try and go get it. I didn’t want to lose it now, it seemed so rare, so special. In the kitchen, there was a gas mask from before Dad died; he worked with dangerous chemicals and gases, so it would’ve come in handy. Now, it is used again, by his daughter Emerald Arikton.

Grabbing the mask, I slowly unlocked the back door, fearing what is in stall for me outside. I put the mask on, pushed the door open, and jumped outside. It was so hot already, it was only a matter of time before Earth boiled into a bubbling mass of destruction and inhospitality.

I headed towards Kassie’s house, a few streets away; I was determined to find Mum, and I didn’t want to go alone.

The fog was extremely thick, I could only see about three meters in front of me. Finding my way around the street wasn’t easy, I had to walk along the walls and fences of other houses. Out here was very eerie, it was so silent, and dark. Mysterious noises came from the distance, sending a cold shiver up my spine, hot sweat formed on my forehead. A dark shadow appeared not so far from me in the fog, swerving into the midst of the sulphur. Another silhouette came beside me, like the figures were closing in on me. I was really freaked out, but I must go on.

Gurgling noises came from behind me, making me swerve swiftly around to see what it was. Of course, there was nothing. Just yellow gas making patterns as it swirls to the wind, making me freeze in my tracks. My breathing got heavy, I was sweating, and my heart was racing to its full extent. Slowly, I started to walk again, this time more cautiously and wearily. There were more noises, this time a lot closer and louder. A cool breeze blew my hair, tingling my back. Something brushed my arm, leaving a stain of sticky slime, making me breathe quicker as I picked up my pace. Just as I swerved around the corner, a dark figure came closer and closer to me, making me completely stop in my tracks with terror.

“Move, body move! Don’t just stand there!” My brain was screaming giving me a violent headache.

But I was stuck still, like someone had put superglue on my shoes. The shadow came ever closer, my eyes widening when I suddenly jumped out of the way of the figure, landing on the road. The silhouette swished right past me, I could see its bulging, slimy brown skin out of the fog.

“What was that?” I thought to myself as I could hear my heart beat to a rhythm of fear.

As soon as I got back up again, a piercing sound felt like it shattered my eardrums: SKREEEEEEEE!!!!

A huge worm with a mouth like a lotus flower containing rows and rows of teeth like knives hurtled towards me. It snapped its salivary jaw at me, hissing as it followed the sound of my hammering feet trying to flee. The worm’s skin was a different colour to the one before, as this one was a deep green with red patterns, making it appear more sinister.

It’s tail lashed across my face, sharp points cut across my cheek making my blood drip down my face. But when I tried to run, I couldn’t feel anything, my whole body had gone numb. The worm paralyzed me so I couldn’t escape!

It’s mouth opened and it’s thin, sticky tongue stretched towards me, wrapping itself around my arms. It was planning to constrict me, then, it'd eat me. As soon as it got a hold of my arms, it’s entire body looped around me, making it harder to breathe. The worm’s head came to mine, slurping it’s tongue back into it’s deadly mouth. More teeth arose from the bottom layers of its ‘petals’, but these teeth were longer, like snake fangs about to puncture my skin. I was certain I was going to die, as I was being suffocated and about to be eaten for breakfast.

Suddenly, Kassie appears with a sword that was only an ornament in her house; she swung it around the worm’s neck, slicing through it like it was nothing.

“Kassie... Thank you.” I said before I collapsed due to shortage of breath and paralysis.

Everything went blank, my head pounding like a bass drum. I had a dream that Earth was consumed by the worms; they eat and destroy everything, Earth becoming a gas planet, much like Jupiter. People in my dream named the worms, they called them ‘Doomsday Worms’, and there were many different species thriving on our dead world.

I don’t remember anymore, my mind went black, silent and unmoving...

Eventually, my eyes opened again, only to find that Kassie dragged me up onto the moors. Purple heather scratched my face, tall dry grass loomed over me, concealing the dark large rocks a few yards away.

“We’ll be safe up here, the fog can’t lift any higher than 100 meters above sea level, so the moors are clear.” Kassie reassured me.

How did she know? She knows things that she’s not telling me, she has a secret that’s being kept from me. I wanted to know, as I was quite nosy.

“What are you not telling me Kassie?” I asked curiously.

She turned to face the distant hills, and said:

“I knew this was coming... I knew this would happen.”

“Knew what would happen? All this?” I replied.

Kassie is normally the one who knows a lot less than me, but this time, she knows everything I don’t.

“Yes, they knew, too.”

“Who?!What are you not telling me?” I shouted at her.

Kassie stared up at the drifting cumulus clouds, then below in the valley that full of yellow sulphur.

“Look Emerald, all you need to know is that we need that gem you found.”

“But, it’s still at the jewellers” I said whilst staring at the moving shapes in the fog.

“You can go get it, then.” Kassie said sternly without her expression changing.

I had thought Kassie had gone mad, I couldn’t possibly go all the way to town without transport, let alone with toxic fog and carnivorous worms.

“But I...” Before I could finish my sentence, Kassie cut me off and she said "Just go."

I grabbed the respirator off the ground beside me held it in my hand. Kassie didn’t seem to have anything to stop herself from breathing the gas.

“Kassie, don’t you need a gas mask?” I gestured.

“All I need is this pill.” She held up a small green capsule the size of a thumb nail. She put it in her mouth and swallowed it.

“Medication?” I asked, but she shook her head.

“This pill clears out gases in your lungs that are poisonous. My workmates and I developed...” Kassie stopped, realising what she had just said.

“Your... Workmates...” I breathed, by this point I was totally confused with my life at the moment.

“Yes, I shouldn’t tell you, forget it.” She sternly said whilst looking right into my eyes, she looked so serious.

I mean, this was the girl who got a detention every day for forgetting homework, and for throwing spit balls at people’s heads. Now she’s telling me she works for someone, and she knows everything about what’s going on. I was beginning to get quite irritated, I needed to know who she really was.

“Tell. Me. Now.” I looked her in the eye, trying to put pressure on her.

“Fine, but I’m afraid I’ll have to wipe your memory after. Okay, I work for this small company who fights away aliens and invents the unimaginable. I do chemistry

there, so I invented this pill so researchers could breathe without the hassle of wearing a respirator. That’s all I’m going to say, so... you’ll have to drink this.”

Kassie held a small vial containing a light purple liquid that was sort of glittery.

“Kassie, don’t you dare. I promise I won’t tell anyone, okay!” I tried to reason with her, but she held me down, the vial centimetres away from my mouth.
I
gathered enough strength to push her onto the ground, the bottle flying into the air until it got lost in the heather.

“I don’t want you doing that again, Kassie. I’m your friend.”

She looked at me like I was going to tell everyone, that I was going to ruin her life.

“You must go alone. I'm going to work.” Kassie took out of her pocket what looked like a calculator, but with a big red button in the middle. She pressed it, and vaporized into thin air.

She left me a pill I now call ‘Filter Pill’, so I ate it, but I chewed it too. She should’ve told me it would taste something like wax, because I had a nasty surprise when I bit into it.

I walked over to the pond, which contained pure spring water. I drank some, the sweet cleanliness of the fresh water washing out the waxy after taste of the Filter.
I stepped down the hill and into the fog. The Filter made the sulphur smell quite damp, like air on a rainy day. It was actually quite refreshing, so I breathed deeply, taking in as much of the gas that used to smell like rotten eggs, but now smells watery. I had no idea on how the pill worked, but it was a step into the future.

Again, I heard noises coming from the ‘Doomsday Worms’ as I called them. They knew I was there, they could hear my gentle footsteps, the fog stirring around me.

This time though, the ground started to shake slightly, but then it stopped. I carried on walking. It started to shake again, this time more violently. My instincts told my feet to run, so they did, and I was flying down my road, the fastest I’ve ever run before.

A huge worm broke through the tarmac road, pieces landing on the nearby houses and cars, crushing windows and doors.
RAAAAHKKK!!!!!!

It screamed at me, but I didn’t have time to see it. A car flew over my head, hitting the pavement in front. This worm was smart, it used it’s surroundings to bring me down. It threw anything it could grab with either it’s mouth or tail at my head. Luckily, I was quick enough to dodge them. Suddenly, it stopped throwing things and raised it’s neck and head off the ground, almost like a snake about to strike. This worm was larger than any other; it had a pale grey skin, and it’s jaws were long, on the top jaw there was a large, dark blue horn with a pointed edge facing downwards, on the top jaw there was another dark blue horn, facing upwards. It’s like they both acted as extra teeth for tearing through meat, perhaps it was to kill prey. It also had a dark green flap on it’s head that was raised and dropped continuously.

The worm turned it’s head like it was trying to find me, but when it turned directly at me, the flap raised, the worm hurtled towards me like a bullet, jaws open wide, teeth being bared at me. The worm span around, twisting through the air. Stupidly, I jumped out of the way, but not to the side. Grasping onto it’s slimy skin, I fell onto the worm as it twisted and turned in a concertina locomotion along the street. It tried to shake me off, but I gripped tightly as it could be my ride into town, but the only possible fare was the price of death.

The flap on the worm’s head was going haywire, as if it were the eyes of the worm, trying to locate me. Unexpectedly though, the worm stopped as it pointed it’s head downwards to a patch of mud. I gripped even tighter as the worm slowly turned downwards into the mud.

In a flash, the worm dived into the mud, wet dirt flying into my face; earthworms crawling in my shirt. Yet I still was going, even though the worm was now reaching a speed of thirty miles per hour, and managed to hold on without flying off. The Doomsday just kept going, screeching through the damp ground as it made a tunnel. It swung it’s neck, trying to fling me off. It succeeded, and I flew off the worm, just grabbing onto the tail at the last second before I could be left behind in the dirt. Lashing it’s tail at me, the worm started to twist around, spinning like a torpedo.

“COME ON, BRING ME UP TO THE SURFACE!!!!” I screamed at it with all the energy I had, trying not to let my words blow away.

Almost like the worm could understand me, it sprang upwards towards the surface, cracking open the concrete ground. My hands slipped off the worm’s back as it soared into the air; transparent slime pulled from my fingertips and back on to the bulging brute of a worm. It hissed at me before descending back down to the cold earth, baring black fangs like knives, dripping with saliva.

I admit these worms did freak me out a little, just imagine walking down a foggy street, and all of a sudden, a GIANT WORM with no eyes LUNGED at you, and by the next thing you knew it, you were gone...

As I made my way down towards the shopping centre, I could see cars piled up on the sides of roads, a light ember burning on them as the remaining fragments of glass dropped off.

How could I have missed this? How deep was my sleep?

Normally, I was a light sleeper, waking up with the slightest noise. I also woke up with an odd pain in my arm, like I just had a vaccination.
With my head spinning, my mind weary, and my legs shaking, I stopped dead in my tracks.

“Should I even do this???” I thought as I stared at the moving shadows within the fog, strange hissing sounds came from the worms, like they were
communicating.

Just as I was about to carry on walking, I felt something was behind me. I turned, only to see swirling fog. The same feeling, but in front. Again, I turned, only to see or hear nothing, until I could feel a heavy breath against my head. I stayed perfectly still, my heart racing.

Slowly, I turned to face my enemy—another worm, this time it’s head resembled a rose flower; gentle contours and a deep scarlet colour gave it a freaky yet soothing appeal, until it opened it’s mouth. Peering into it’s throat, tooth after tooth lined it’s throat, a sticky slime oozing from a gland at the back of it’s mouth. My breath grew hot, a cold sweat dripping from my forehead. As soon as the worm felt my breath, it threw it’s head back, preparing to lunge at me. This worm was slightly different to the other smaller ones; it had no teeth in it’s mouth. Maybe it chewed with it’s throat, or maybe it’s prey gets sliced and diced as it is swallowed.

Then, my instincts kicked in. My legs started to shift gear from park to run, and I was running down the road as if there was no tomorrow, my dark brown hair trailing behind.

I never knew I could run so fast, considering how ‘good’ I am at PE.
But, my life is on the line here, not my PE team, so I guess you can make an exception here.

I sprinted faster, the worm not so far behind me, it’s screeching cry signalling for others to come join the hunt. The hunt for me. I could smell that my Filter was fading off, so now I had to scramble around in my pockets for another one. Running down hill with your hands in your pockets is the worst of ideas especially when a Doomsday worm is coming right for you. I could feel my feet flying off the ground, my hands slipping from my pockets and prepared to break my fall. I landed knees first, then my hands stopping my face from hitting the tar road. My stomach then landed, all the Filters spill out from my trouser pocket.

I thought I was done for. I thought my life was over. Scrambling to get up, I had an amazing idea—the worms breathe in this poison, and the Filters are designed to clean it, what if the worm ate a Filter? It won’t be able to breathe... That’s it. I picked up a Filter from the ground, and as the worm opened it’s mouth, I threw the pill effortlessly down it’s gaping mouth. Turning it’s head in confusion, the worm stopped. It had no idea on what it had just eaten, and it meant bad news. The worm began to swell up, making a harsh, hacking sound with it’s throat.

My plan worked. I wasn’t a fail for once.

Eventually, the worm swelled up to such a point it exploded; dark green blood splattered the surroundings along with chunks of meat and bone.
Before any other worms came over, I picked up the remaining Filters and ran. I was nearing the jewellers, until I heard a strange noise... A car?
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

WOW! you worked hard on that! I am lad to see the ending of that!
that cover for the book os AWSOME!!!!!


I am also glad to see some of chapter 2 to!
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

I landed on a soft, white leather seat where Kassie pulled me up and said: “Buckle up, quick”
Needs something at the end of the dialogue. Other than that, there weren't much.

Also, I prefer to see fully-written chapters, or previews. Good job! :)
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG)

Luckyfire said:
I landed on a soft, white leather seat where Kassie pulled me up and said: “Buckle up, quick”
Needs something at the end of the dialogue. Other than that, there weren't much.

Also, I prefer to see fully-written chapters, or previews. Good job! :)

Fixed. Added in a full stop (I didn't realise I forgot to put one on)
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: Chapter 2 Preview

2: 'Him'.

I was certain it was a car; the rumbling engine, the wheels turning on a wet road. Of course, I remember now. The shiny black SUV that didn’t have a specified make; but was equipped with technology unlike any other car. Computers were aligned at the back with screens as thin as paper, keyboards rested on small silver tables with cup holders. In the boot, a large white case locked with buckles contained every weapon a killer could hope for, and every poison and potion an alchemist could only dream of. It was by far the most impressive car I’d ever seen, especially with the holographic satnav, and enough space to fit about ten people in.

When the door of the car slid open, I was surprised to see Kassie, her ginger hair covered what appeared to be a headphone with a microphone.

“Kassie? Why are you here?”, I asked politely.

“To rescue you. Come on, he’s nearly here...” She replied anxiously, her head turning left and right frantically.

“Who’s he?”

“Just get in the car. Now!” Kassie shouted at me, then grabbed my arm and pulled me into the back seat.

I landed on a soft, white leather seat where Kassie pulled me up and said: “Buckle up, quick”.

I grabbed the seatbelt and fastened in, still baffled by the truth about Kassie. All this time, she’s been at the top of my class for demerits so far this year. Now she’s sat in the back of a futuristic SUV packed with alien technology and devices.
But the one big question in my head was ‘How did the worms grow so quickly? How did the fog spread across the world over one night from a tiny meteor?’

“Emerald, I’ll tell you everything about this event when we get to the P.A.S.T. HQ, okay?” Kassie said to me.

I just nodded, then slumped into the soft leather seat, glaring at the holographic screen protruding from the satnav.
The engine rumbled, and we were off at a speed of 30mph, in under 2 seconds. Biting my nails, I hoped that a worm didn’t try to attack us, for about the sixth time now. Of course, I had to jinx it.

Half an hour later, we were nearing Manchester, where Kassie says the ‘P.A.S.T.’ is located. The fog was thickening as we graduated from the Yorkshire Dales onto lower land. I peered over the front seat and at the windscreen. Outside, it was a vile yellow colour with a distinct toxic smell. Shadows were moving against the fog—the Doomsday worms were closing in. Kassie’s workmates kept calm as one woman with deep red hair drove on.

“Don’t worry everyone. The worms can’t see us, and if I keep the engine quiet, they won’t hear us either.” She said as she pressed her foot down slowly onto the brakes.

But that comment wasn’t so reassuring; I remember the worm that could see with a weird flap on it’s head. Eventually, I heard a cracking noise, like concrete being smashed open. The car shook a little, a worried look on Kassie’s face.

“Kassie... I saw a worm that could see before...” I said to her as she began rustling about in a large leather bag.

She looked up, then began searching for something again. I shuffled around a bit in my seat, and then the car began to shake, this time more noticeably.
An erupting roar came from behind the vehicle, which suddenly came to a halt.

“What are you doing, Mari? Drive!” Kassie shouted at the woman driving.

“I can’t! The car’s not working!” Mari replied in a panic as she tried to switch the car on again.

It felt like there was now an earthquake as the car shook continuously. I gripped the sides of the front seat which Mari was seated in, who was loading up a gun.

Suddenly, the car stopped shaking. Silence.

"He's here..." Kassie whispered under her own breath.

"Who's he????"

"Only the largest, most powerful worm there is. The sighted, most deadly... Clarivefodio Faticossis..." She replied serioulsy.

"The Sighted???" I asked, beginning to worry.

"Yes. The only known current worm that can see. Once... No. If we get to P.A.S.T. HQ alive, I'll tell you everything you need to know about the worms, okay."

My eyes widened, my head turned to face the window. Out there, there was the most deadly worm the P.A.S.T. has found. I was nearing an almost certain death...

Suddenly, my head spun upside down. My stomach was hurled upwards and my hair stood up along my skin, along with my eyeballs rolling to a dizzying sight. The car was flung into the air, spinning and twirling like a fat ballerina about to crash. I pushed my hands against the window as Kassie grabbed the back of Mari's chair.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!" Everyone in the car screamed as we soared through the air, nearing the other side of the street.

"Brace yourselv...." Before Mari could finish her sentence, the car smashe into the concrete ground, the window next to me broke, the glass slashed across my face.

THUMP! I hear Kassie's head crack against the door, blood running down her face. She was out cold, her breath slow and deep.

"Kassie!" I shouted at her, shaking as I tried to wake her up.

"Mari, she's unconscious!" But Mari wasn't there.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and peered over the chair. Red was dripping from the shards of shattered glass still holding onto the car. I moved forward, holding my breath as the fog began to seep into the car. Mari was no where to be seen. Sweat ran down my face as I reached for the silver knife that stuck out from under the seat, but I froze as I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

Through what was the windscreen came an orange glow and a deep rumble. I scrambled in my pocket for the last of the Filters I had, and ate one. I then again froze, being as still as the fog around me. I heard another growl, the ornage light coming closer. My eyes widened only to see the eye of the 'Sighted'.

It was a deep reddish-orange with a slight hint of yellow, along with a slit pupil in the middle. My heart heaved against my ribs as I slowed my breathing down. The worm came closer as it's gaping mouth dripped with blood. Blood from Mari. I could see Mari's glasses hooked on one of the worm's teeth as it opened it's mouth wider.

RAAAAAAAAHHHHKKKK!!!!! The worm screamed then lurched at me, biting the car. The teeth... Were the same size of my hands, ripping through the wires and pipes in the car. I was too scared to do anything but stay still as the car was torn in half, electricity buzzing and clicking as the circuits were broken. The worm threw what it had in its mouth away as it turned its attention back to me. Terror was struck in my heart as the worm came closer, the mouth only a metre from my face. I thought I was done for as I felt the sickening breath of the worm against my face...
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: Chapter 2 COMPLETE!

Chapter 2 is complete, stick around for chapter 3!
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: Chapter 2 COMPLETE!

Whoa, can't believe I missed that. o.o

It's great! You've improved a lot since last time. :D
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: Chapter 2 COMPLETE!

Luckyfire said:
Whoa, can't believe I missed that. o.o

It's great! You've improved a lot since last time. :D

Well I'm glad to hear that! I've been trying to improve on description and layout, along with scanning it for typos ;)
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: Chapter 2 COMPLETE!

CHAPTER 3 PREVIEW!

3: P.A.S.T

I held my breath as the worm edged towards my face, it's eye focused on me. Rows of angular blood stained teeth were aligned along the flower-like mouth that was gaping wide. I then noticed there were two larger teeth, almost like fangs protruding from the tips of the worm's lips. That makes eight fangs, ready to tear into my guts. The worm swiftly bit into my left leg, all of it's fangs sinking into my flesh, blood seeping out. I screamed in pain as some sort of acid came out of the worm's fangs, burning my skin and muscle. It felt like I had been stabbed about 4 times in my leg and now salt is being rubbed into the wounds, along with vinegar. It stung so much I started to cry, trying to force my leg out of the gripping teeth of the worm. I screamed again as more acid was pumped into my leg, my eyes crying and my hands held onto the worm's head, pushing it away.

I couldn't take it any longer, so I reached for the knife I saw on the floor earlier, and stabbed it into the worm's head, slicing through it. The worm hissed and fled, it's oozing green blood stained the leather seats of the car and the knife. I collapsed onto the seat in agony and exhaustion, my hands shaking and my leg stinging with acid.

So much pain... I thought to myself as I saw the glowing eye of the worm getting further away.
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: CHAPTER 3 PREVIEW!

Sorry if it's a little short, I haven't had much time on my hands lately. Enjoy!
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: CHAPTER 3 PREVIEW!

Heh, seems like you forgot to include Chapter Three within your previous post. :p
 
RE: Gem of Helix (Sci-Fi, PG) NEW: CHAPTER 3 PREVIEW!

I decided to come to read something to the WC when I cam across the Gem of Helix. I am liking it right now. I can't wait for chapter 3.
 
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