Writing Heart of Steel

Ninetales

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Hello everyone and thank you for your patience!

Here I present a fanfic that puts the age-old story of a trainer's journey under a new light. Feel free to give any further praise/ideas on my profile. I will try to update often, and will put any progress in my signature.

Enjoy!

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Heart of Steel
Ch. 1- The Birthday Wish​

The early rays of sunlight shone through the window, creating lines of light and dark upon the young boy’s face as it filtered through the dusty blinds. The boy’s blue eyes fluttered and squinted in the early morning’s glow. His chest filled with a growing sense of the warmth of excitement as his waking mind recalled a certain importance to the day. This anticipation was the sort which built up over a lifetime of wait. Suddenly, the young boy rocketed up, a broad smile spread across his face. This day was none other than his tenth birthday. It was the ever longed for day of coming-of-age, in which he was to receive his very first pokémon and begin his grand journey.

The boy scrambled out of bed, dressing out of his pajamas and into his day clothes that consisted of a blue hoodie, pair of jeans, and sneakers, in a fashion that better suited a whirlwind. In his bathroom mirror, he watched his own pale-skinned reflection hastily brush his teeth and brush his long, messy brown hair in three strokes he deemed were good enough. He tiptoed down the creaky, wooden stairs toward the living room, wishing for a shout of “Happy Birthday!” to take him by surprise and kick off his big day. Instead he was only greeted by his silent, but smiling, parents sitting on the burgundy couch. The kitchen modestly glittered with party decorations across the way.

There could never be such surprises; they said that surprises weren’t good for his health.

“Happy Birthday, Sport”, his father said in his usual tone, although the fact that he was already in his business suit reminded the boy that his party was more than likely delaying his commute to work.

“I can’t believe you are already ten,” his tired-eyed mother chimed as she reached for a poké ball, cleverly hidden behind the picture frame on the side table, and released a small metallic creature in a flash of light. “This little guy was so excited the day your father bought it as your gift, he had a hard time keeping it in its Poké Ball. He thought he was going to have an Aron running around the office.” She a small, weary chuckle as the boy walked up to the wide eyed Aron. “I hope you like your new pokémon, Ryan, my little trainer!”

Withholding yet another new burning sense of excitement behind a wide grin, Ryan crouched down, hand coming in contact with the creature’s, cool, hard, armor like outer shell. The creature sniffed him with curiosity. His dream pokémon stood before him every bit as awesome as he had imagined. Suddenly, the eager ten-year-old’s enthusiasm burst forth in a string of nearly incomprehensible words.

“Ican’tbelieveit!Aftermywholelifeofwaitng,myaronandIaregoingtokickmajorbuttanddefeateverygymleaderinourpathandthenthechampion…”

“Not so fast Ryan,” his mother interrupted his dream-filled ramblings with a sigh, brushing her disheveled bangs aside, “your dad and I have had a long talk and we’ve decided that you can still battle the neighbors and passing trainers if you keep your excitement to a reasonable level.”

“Sorry buddy, but we can’t have you roaming the forest without an adult in your condition,” his dad continued.

A strange wave of emotion struck as Ryan’s metaphorical party train collided head on with the steel wall of disappointment. The only thing that softened the impact at all was his new metallic companion, who now licked its trainer's still-outreached hand upon sensing his disappointment.

“But you said…”

“I know what we said,” Ryan’s father continued with a sigh as he calmly stood up with briefcase in hand, “but it’s for your own safety.” He walked over and knelt beside Ryan, ruffling the boy’s mop of hair the way he always did before his overnight trips. Ryan couldn’t meet his eyes, instead fixed his gaze on his pokémon, who returned its own blue questioning stare. “Besides, you’ll still get to battle and be able to come home every night. See you later tomorrow kiddo, and have a great rest of your birthday.” With that he stood, and gave his wife a quick peck in the cheek. “And tell your mother to save some cake for me,” he added teasingly before heading out of the door.

After the front door clicked shut, Ryan and his mother sat in an awkward quietness before she spoke, “Do you want to open gifts, or have breakfast first?”

Feeling more like a deflated party balloon, Ryan stood, and persisted in his attempt to recover the remnants of his dream. “Can’t we just find another older trainer who needs a travel partner? Or can’t you come along?”

“I still have to take care of things here, and I don’t know who of anyone else right now who would responsible enough, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do”, his mother responded with a stifled yawn.

Ryan’s attempt to remain calm flew south faster than a speeding Garchomp: “My heart condition thingy doesn’t determine who I am or what I can be! You said! The doctor patched me up years ago!” he snapped. “There are hundreds, no, thousands of new trainers every year, and I won’t be surprised if some have what I do! They travel alone with no one but their pokémon team, and they make it just fine! Why can’t I?” Concerned, Aron affectionately butted it's head into the boy's pant leg.

Then, with a protective kindness that frankly flew over the boy’s head, his mother spoke those dreaded words she always used to justify her right to limit Ryan’s privileges.

“I know sweetie, but a mother just worries. I’m only looking out for you, so no need to get angry.”

The rest of the day dragged on in half-hearted celebration for Ryan. Once or twice he gazed out of the living room window, with his new Aron beside him, and spotted a new trainer walking down the sidewalk near his house in their first steps of their journey. Usually, they were gazing in wonder at their new companion, who fit in a palm-sized poke ball seemingly out of magic. Still others were so absorbed in the long list of undiscovered creatures that scrolled across the screen of their pokédex that one even walked smack into a lamppost that seemingly jumped into his path.

Sure, he unwrapped his gifts to reveal the basic trainer supplies, along with a congratulation card from Professor Sycamore himself, and a pokédex of his own. But what good will that be if he’d be lucky to see more than twenty different pokémon in the ten blocks he was allowed to roam?

The day ended just as it began, head against the pillow and mind spinning, albeit with less enthusiasm and a sleeping Aron at the foot of his bed. His blue eyes boar through the ceiling of his room, which was only lit by the lamppost outside. His gaze then turned to his overflowing bookshelf. So many adventures he was only able to live in the world of paper and ink. He had to prove to that he wasn’t fragile and could live on his own with his pokémon, or at least meet someone who could go with him, as he knew his busy mother hardly ever got out.

And then he got a crazy idea of the sort woven from a restless yet weary mind. One that could either make all his dreams of becoming a trainer come true, or ground him from any further adventures for life.
 
This is a great first chapter! I really like your approach to this trainer-based stories; most of them are simple get-the-Pokemon-and-move-on kind of stories, but you added in a condition that restricted his freedom...and then a symbolic title to go along with it! Aron also plays into it because of its Steel typing, which is a great play on the two and his condition. I really enjoyed reading this angle you created, so keep up the hard work!

I can't wait to see what devious adventure he goes on. You were successfully able to make a plot not seem so generic, so props to you. Good luck with your writing!
 
Very nice indeed. This is one of the more innovative twists I've seen on the subject, and you've taken an even more unique approach in setting it up with such a descriptive and crisp style. Ryan is the perfect protagonist for this too; he's just the right level of childish. I'm going to keep tabs on this to see where you can take this. Definitely promising, and it's enough that I gave it a nomination.

While Ryan is nicely animated, the dialogue from the parents is at times robotic-ish or could use some syntax correction (only the below instance).
“I still have to take care of things here, and I don’t know who of anyone else right now who would be responsible enough, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do,” his mother responded.
I feel like the parents could use a bit of personalization to their dialogue, even if they aren't important to the majority of the story. Everyone has a personality after all, and I'm sure you can give them the right ones.

Otherwise, you have nice figurative language and apt amounts of description to accompany the dialogue with. You do seem to use spoke a lot though, where said and/or asked are the most-used speech tags. Also, some of the dialogue ends in periods which should be commas.

Again, very nice work, and I look forward to reading more as well!
 
Turtwig: Thanks for your reply! I agree, many trainer stories share the same monotony. While I knew It wouldn't take a forum of this size and Pokemon knowledge to notice the symbolic connection, I'm glad you pointed it out!
I'm sure that Ryan's upcoming shenanigans won't disappoint. :)

Uralya: Thanks for your reply and nomination! I see the flaw in the parent's dialogue and grammar now that you bring it to my attention, and will certainly fix it.
 
For a debut fanfic around here, this is actually nice. If you don't really care for detailed comments or suggestions, feel free to stop reading right now and just know you've got a thumbs up from me. Otherwise, welcome aboard the critique train. ^w^

I wish to first give you a silver star for almost flawless grammar. There are few mechanic mistakes (for example, there should not be a comma between "clothes" and "that" on the opening sentence of the second paragraph) practically too small to be of concern. You do have weak sentences in the starting paragraph (Three of them began with "It was"), but that too only requires a quick fix.

Tone-wise, this is going to sound perhaps rather rude, but I feel as if your adjectives were placed in without thought. Let me pull out the most offending section for you to see:

“Happy Birthday, Sport!”, his father said in his usual tone, although the fact that he was already in his business suit reminded the boy that his party was more than likely delaying his early commute to work.

“I can’t believe you are already ten,” his tired-eyed mother chimed as she reached for a Poké Ball, cleverly hidden behind the picture frame on the side table, and released a small metallic creature in a flash of light. “This little guy was so excited the day your father bought it as your gift, he had a hard time keeping it in its Poké Ball. He thought he was going to have an Aron running around the office.” She chuckled as the boy walked up to the wide eyed Aron. “I hope you like your new Pokémon, Ryan, my little trainer!”
"Usual" tones don't often involve shouting with exclamation marks at the end of the dialogue. Commutes being "early" sound odd when it's also "delayed" (I suspect you meant to say that his commutes to work are early in the day on a general basis, but the contrast still got to me). What particularly put me off was how you mentioned that Ryan's mother was "tired-eyed", yet neither her actions or dialogue tone matched it. Any more at this point is nitpicking, but I was mildly surprised when you hardly described the Aron at all, putting more detail into where the Poké Ball was hidden. Yes, we're not Ryan and whe know what an Aron looks like, but a first experience might merit some highlights.

Carrying on from that section, I find that strung sentence to be silly (or any violation of formal English), but this is a choice of style (and thus opinion), and not changing it won't cause any author to roll in their graves (I hope).

I like how quickly Ryan went from kid bouncing off the walls to pre-teen with his angst-o-meter readings off the charts in less than a minute. Are we going to see more of his inane moodiness in the later chapters? =D

In more seriousness, despite the absurdly fast turnaround the story atmosphere, you did a fine job of setting up the crux of the story and sort of "cliffhung" the reader into asking if there will be a good resolution for Ryan (There will obviously be, unless you know how to keep him leashed to his home and make the rest of the story interesting by other means). It's only the beginning, so I'm looking forward to seeing what's in store for our protagonist.

Happy Writing,
~Zyflair
 
Thanks for your reply!
I see where you are going with your opinion on all the corrections. I'll fix those shortly. There are some mistakes that are difficult to spot when you are your own editor. :)

Edit: There, I went through and fixed some things. ^.^
 
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