PMJ
Silhouette Gloom of the Sundown Lands
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Here's the back story:
bacon and I play Mario Kart Wii. One day I saw that bacon's record for SNES Ghost Valley was better than mine. There's no way I could have that, so I played and played until I beat it. I sent him my time and was like "woot I did it, bacon's record = owned." Well one day he PMs me back saying he beat my ghost.
I am a Ghost Valley god. I cannot stand for this. Immediately I get to work on beating bacon's record. Long story short, I do it. Shazam. I send him my improved ghost, not bothering with Luigi Circuit because I could really care less about it. I get another PM saying he can't beat my ghost, and he sent me a ghost for Luigi Circuit after I sent him my staff ghost-owning record.
So, this morning, I decided that I wanted to see if I could beat my own Ghost Valley ghost. I did, by about half a second. I also beat his Luigi Circuit record. The second I went to PM bacon about it, I was suddenly filled with the urge to write a rather ridiculous short story (you can see the ridiculousness as you read) regarding me beating both his ghosts. Enjoy.
Once upon a time, there was a great king of a vast kingdom. He and his beautiful queen ruled the kingdom for many years, until one day the queen became pregnant. "Awesome!" exclaimed the king, when he found out he was going to be a father. But it was not as awesome as he'd have liked. Little did the king know growing inside his wife's womb was a little baby girl... a girl that, one day, would be the end of him.
The day of delivery arrived. The whole kingdom had awaited outside the king's castle for word on what the king had named his new child. In the delivery room, the king was fidgeting around like a child, anxiously awaiting the birth of his son. He'd already had several names chosen, but he had to get a good look at the boy in order to finalize his decision. When it was discovered that the queen did not give birth to a baby boy, but a girl, everyone in the room was in shock. This was unheard of. How could this happen? The royal doctors checked and double-checked and triple-checked this little bundle to make sure that it was indeed a girl.
Well, needless to say, the king was enraged. He ordered the baby taken away to the deepest, darkest valley in the land where she can be raised by someone else, never having any ties to the kingdom. He stomped out of the delivery room, disowning the minutes-old tyke on the spot. The young girl's mother, devastated by her husband's selfishness, struck a deal with the doctors to allow her and the child to escape in secret. The doctors told the queen they would also give her the hook up and provide food and money and all that stuff, which was cool, yo.
The queen and her unnamed baby moved far away from the lush, prosperous kingdom and settled down in the very place the king had damned the girl to - a creepy, desolate place called Ghost Valley. The two moved into a rickety old shack next to an abandoned field, where they lived on the doctors' income and food and whatnot. Before long, a year had passed, and the queen had still not given her daughter a name. One day, while she was watching the girl play, the child had picked a flower out of the ground and brought it to her mother. "Go go go!" she cried, waving the new thing vigorously at her mother.
"This?" her mother asked, taking the small thing from the child's grasp. "It's called a daisy. Do you like it?"
"Haha yay!" the child squealed, running over to where she'd found the flower. She plucked out several more and presented them all to her mother. She jumped up and down in delight. "DAISY!" she screamed.
The girl's mother stared wide-eyed. Of all the things the little girl knew, she'd not said a single word except "go." Taking this as a sign from above, she immediately decided to name her daughter after the very flower she'd found growing outside their house.
Baby Daisy was remarkably intelligent for her age; at three months, she was walking. At six months, she spoke her first word: "go." A very enthusiastic child, she most enjoyed playing with the toy cars that were amongst the many toys the doctors had brought her. By the time the girl was eight months old, she expressed an interest in getting one she could ride in herself. Wanting to give the girl her wish, the former queen commissioned the doctors to build little Daisy a car to drive - top of the line, spare no expense.
What the doctors built was just that - a sleek, hot ride, orange and white and shaped like a bullet, with enough room for one tiny baby Daisy. Upon getting in, something in the girl's mind clicked and within seconds she had mastered the vehicle and was pulling off stunts like a pro. This boggled both the girl's mother and the doctors, but they wrote it off as divine intervention.
For Daisy's first birthday, her mother had a track built on the field near their house so Daisy could drive her car somewhere safe rather than on the open streets. Fast as it was, there was still the danger she'd be hit by another vehicle, and that was one risk Daisy's mother wasn't willing to take. Baby Daisy, overjoyed that she finally had a place to call her own, practiced every day, trying to get better and better. The fastest time she ever recorded for three laps around the rather small track was just under 59 seconds. Her mother was very proud of this, and told the doctors to spread the word of a divine little girl and her demon of a car, and her amazing record.
However, one fateful day, towards her second birthday, baby Daisy was racing, as usual. She was nearly finished with the third lap, and she was sure she'd beat her undefeated time. As she neared the final turn, she heard a whistling sound she'd never heard before. She paid it no mind and drove towards the finish, but as she was inches from the finish line, a shadow overtook her with lightning speed, and before she knew what hit her, it crashed into her with a huge explosion. Daisy was thrown from her car, now nothing more than a wreck spouting blue-white flames. It exploded in a fiery mess. The girl sailed through the air and landed in the hands - or claws, rather - of a huge turtle-looking beast. He stared the unconscious baby over. "First try," he said to himself, grinning. "I better get out of here..." with a wave of his hand, he opened a portal in front of him. He cast one final look at the smoldering wreckage his weapon had caused and stepped into the portal, sending him and baby Daisy back to his world.
When Daisy's mother saw the wreck, she assumed her baby was in it and killed herself, but not before killing the doctors. When Daisy's father realized he'd been duped this whole time, he killed himself out of embarrassment.
When baby Daisy came to, she found herself in a tiny cage. Looking through the bars, she could see a pair of yellow, scaly feet dangling from a chair. Across from them were the fat, jiggly legs of a really fat dude. She used her divine powers of understanding to listen to what the two were saying.
"...worked perfectly. Just one and BOOM! She was done. She never saw it coming," the scaly one said.
"Well, Bowser, I'm glad to hear it. She is alive, yes?" the fat guy asked.
"Course she is!" he snorted. "The king of Koopas does not kill babies."
"Good, good. Leave her with me. I will have my treasurer transfer the money to your account." The fat guy stood up and waddled over to the scaly monster. Daisy quickly feigned sleep as the two shook hands.
"It better be there within 24 hours," Bowser threatened, breathing hot steam into the fat dude's face. "I know where you live." He opened up another portal in front of him and stepped into it, leaving the chubby guy alone with the caged infant.
He picked it up and set it on the table in front of him. "You can stop now, I know you're awake," he said in a firm tone. Reluctantly, Daisy sat up, legs crossed, back straight. Picture perfect, like she was taught.
"Ugh. Okay, that's gotta stop," the fat man said, dumping the girl out of her cage. When the girl sat up again exactly like before, he gently pushed her down, only to have her sit up again, exactly like before. He sighed heavily. "Okay, fine, have it your way. Look, I know you can understand me, so I'm just gonna say it. This is your new home, and I'm your new daddy. I'm the king of this whooooooooooooooole country. 'scalled Sarasaland. Daddy paid big bucks for you after he heard you could do all sorts of cool things like drive cars at your age. So I'm going to raise you as my little girl, and you're going to make me even richer than I already am. Okay?"
"Haha yay!" she exclaimed. Little did the fat king know that Daisy was not cheering for the king, but because she had just formulated a plot to kill the guy, one she silently regretted she would not be able to act on until she was much older.
Time passed. Daisy had matured into a total hottie, thankfully not looking anything like her nasty foster father. At the age of seventeen, Daisy was finally able to act on her plan to kill her old man. One night, while her father slept, Daisy crept into his room. He reeked like cheetos and gross. Using a skill she learned at the age of seven, Daisy silently reached into the floor. She focused as hard as she could, grabbed hold of something, and pulled out...
..a turnip. A big white turnip with an even bigger grin. "Useless..." she muttered, and put her hand into the floor again. This time, upon lifting it out, she grinned. Once nothing, now a Bob-omb the size of her head. She took the candle from her father's nightstand and lit the bomb's fuse. Setting it next to her father, she took off like crazy - all those years of keeping in shape were gonna pay off in a huge way. Before long, Daisy had cleared the castle grounds, just as the bomb exploded. In an instant, Daisy's castle was gone. "WOO HOO!" she shrieked. She hopped on her motor bike and rode off into the sunset.
For the next few years, Daisy lived the party life. She'd go clubbing with her friends, participate in street races, and even experimented with drugs a little bit, "just to say I've done it," she'd say.
One day, Daisy's bike racing gang was passing through Ghost Valley, when Daisy caught sight of the track built just for her. Remembering her unbeatable record, she disconnected herself from the rest of her gang to examine the sign by the track's entrance. For over two decades, the track record stayed the same. Also remembering how close she came to beating her own time when she was a baby, Daisy decided to have a go at it. At first, it was difficult, driving her much larger motor bike on the small track. Pretty soon, though, she got the hang of it, and she breezed around the track effortlessly. And before long, Daisy did what she set out to do - beat the snot out of her own record since no one else could.
And so, using the purple marker she always carried, she edited the sign to reflect the track's new record: 0:57.992. She smiled, confident her record would remain for all eternity.
The end.
(this is the Luigi Circuit short story I didn't really care about because I didn't want to write a huge short story for it)
One day, there was this cool little girl who finally beat the ghost of a wuss plumber on a track named after him. One day, she found out that a girl that looked like her except older and way hotter beat her time, so she talked to her crack-addict ape friend and said "hey dude, get over to this track and whoop this girl."
So he did.
The end.
bacon and I play Mario Kart Wii. One day I saw that bacon's record for SNES Ghost Valley was better than mine. There's no way I could have that, so I played and played until I beat it. I sent him my time and was like "woot I did it, bacon's record = owned." Well one day he PMs me back saying he beat my ghost.
I am a Ghost Valley god. I cannot stand for this. Immediately I get to work on beating bacon's record. Long story short, I do it. Shazam. I send him my improved ghost, not bothering with Luigi Circuit because I could really care less about it. I get another PM saying he can't beat my ghost, and he sent me a ghost for Luigi Circuit after I sent him my staff ghost-owning record.
So, this morning, I decided that I wanted to see if I could beat my own Ghost Valley ghost. I did, by about half a second. I also beat his Luigi Circuit record. The second I went to PM bacon about it, I was suddenly filled with the urge to write a rather ridiculous short story (you can see the ridiculousness as you read) regarding me beating both his ghosts. Enjoy.
Once upon a time, there was a great king of a vast kingdom. He and his beautiful queen ruled the kingdom for many years, until one day the queen became pregnant. "Awesome!" exclaimed the king, when he found out he was going to be a father. But it was not as awesome as he'd have liked. Little did the king know growing inside his wife's womb was a little baby girl... a girl that, one day, would be the end of him.
The day of delivery arrived. The whole kingdom had awaited outside the king's castle for word on what the king had named his new child. In the delivery room, the king was fidgeting around like a child, anxiously awaiting the birth of his son. He'd already had several names chosen, but he had to get a good look at the boy in order to finalize his decision. When it was discovered that the queen did not give birth to a baby boy, but a girl, everyone in the room was in shock. This was unheard of. How could this happen? The royal doctors checked and double-checked and triple-checked this little bundle to make sure that it was indeed a girl.
Well, needless to say, the king was enraged. He ordered the baby taken away to the deepest, darkest valley in the land where she can be raised by someone else, never having any ties to the kingdom. He stomped out of the delivery room, disowning the minutes-old tyke on the spot. The young girl's mother, devastated by her husband's selfishness, struck a deal with the doctors to allow her and the child to escape in secret. The doctors told the queen they would also give her the hook up and provide food and money and all that stuff, which was cool, yo.
The queen and her unnamed baby moved far away from the lush, prosperous kingdom and settled down in the very place the king had damned the girl to - a creepy, desolate place called Ghost Valley. The two moved into a rickety old shack next to an abandoned field, where they lived on the doctors' income and food and whatnot. Before long, a year had passed, and the queen had still not given her daughter a name. One day, while she was watching the girl play, the child had picked a flower out of the ground and brought it to her mother. "Go go go!" she cried, waving the new thing vigorously at her mother.
"This?" her mother asked, taking the small thing from the child's grasp. "It's called a daisy. Do you like it?"
"Haha yay!" the child squealed, running over to where she'd found the flower. She plucked out several more and presented them all to her mother. She jumped up and down in delight. "DAISY!" she screamed.
The girl's mother stared wide-eyed. Of all the things the little girl knew, she'd not said a single word except "go." Taking this as a sign from above, she immediately decided to name her daughter after the very flower she'd found growing outside their house.
Baby Daisy was remarkably intelligent for her age; at three months, she was walking. At six months, she spoke her first word: "go." A very enthusiastic child, she most enjoyed playing with the toy cars that were amongst the many toys the doctors had brought her. By the time the girl was eight months old, she expressed an interest in getting one she could ride in herself. Wanting to give the girl her wish, the former queen commissioned the doctors to build little Daisy a car to drive - top of the line, spare no expense.
What the doctors built was just that - a sleek, hot ride, orange and white and shaped like a bullet, with enough room for one tiny baby Daisy. Upon getting in, something in the girl's mind clicked and within seconds she had mastered the vehicle and was pulling off stunts like a pro. This boggled both the girl's mother and the doctors, but they wrote it off as divine intervention.
For Daisy's first birthday, her mother had a track built on the field near their house so Daisy could drive her car somewhere safe rather than on the open streets. Fast as it was, there was still the danger she'd be hit by another vehicle, and that was one risk Daisy's mother wasn't willing to take. Baby Daisy, overjoyed that she finally had a place to call her own, practiced every day, trying to get better and better. The fastest time she ever recorded for three laps around the rather small track was just under 59 seconds. Her mother was very proud of this, and told the doctors to spread the word of a divine little girl and her demon of a car, and her amazing record.
However, one fateful day, towards her second birthday, baby Daisy was racing, as usual. She was nearly finished with the third lap, and she was sure she'd beat her undefeated time. As she neared the final turn, she heard a whistling sound she'd never heard before. She paid it no mind and drove towards the finish, but as she was inches from the finish line, a shadow overtook her with lightning speed, and before she knew what hit her, it crashed into her with a huge explosion. Daisy was thrown from her car, now nothing more than a wreck spouting blue-white flames. It exploded in a fiery mess. The girl sailed through the air and landed in the hands - or claws, rather - of a huge turtle-looking beast. He stared the unconscious baby over. "First try," he said to himself, grinning. "I better get out of here..." with a wave of his hand, he opened a portal in front of him. He cast one final look at the smoldering wreckage his weapon had caused and stepped into the portal, sending him and baby Daisy back to his world.
When Daisy's mother saw the wreck, she assumed her baby was in it and killed herself, but not before killing the doctors. When Daisy's father realized he'd been duped this whole time, he killed himself out of embarrassment.
When baby Daisy came to, she found herself in a tiny cage. Looking through the bars, she could see a pair of yellow, scaly feet dangling from a chair. Across from them were the fat, jiggly legs of a really fat dude. She used her divine powers of understanding to listen to what the two were saying.
"...worked perfectly. Just one and BOOM! She was done. She never saw it coming," the scaly one said.
"Well, Bowser, I'm glad to hear it. She is alive, yes?" the fat guy asked.
"Course she is!" he snorted. "The king of Koopas does not kill babies."
"Good, good. Leave her with me. I will have my treasurer transfer the money to your account." The fat guy stood up and waddled over to the scaly monster. Daisy quickly feigned sleep as the two shook hands.
"It better be there within 24 hours," Bowser threatened, breathing hot steam into the fat dude's face. "I know where you live." He opened up another portal in front of him and stepped into it, leaving the chubby guy alone with the caged infant.
He picked it up and set it on the table in front of him. "You can stop now, I know you're awake," he said in a firm tone. Reluctantly, Daisy sat up, legs crossed, back straight. Picture perfect, like she was taught.
"Ugh. Okay, that's gotta stop," the fat man said, dumping the girl out of her cage. When the girl sat up again exactly like before, he gently pushed her down, only to have her sit up again, exactly like before. He sighed heavily. "Okay, fine, have it your way. Look, I know you can understand me, so I'm just gonna say it. This is your new home, and I'm your new daddy. I'm the king of this whooooooooooooooole country. 'scalled Sarasaland. Daddy paid big bucks for you after he heard you could do all sorts of cool things like drive cars at your age. So I'm going to raise you as my little girl, and you're going to make me even richer than I already am. Okay?"
"Haha yay!" she exclaimed. Little did the fat king know that Daisy was not cheering for the king, but because she had just formulated a plot to kill the guy, one she silently regretted she would not be able to act on until she was much older.
Time passed. Daisy had matured into a total hottie, thankfully not looking anything like her nasty foster father. At the age of seventeen, Daisy was finally able to act on her plan to kill her old man. One night, while her father slept, Daisy crept into his room. He reeked like cheetos and gross. Using a skill she learned at the age of seven, Daisy silently reached into the floor. She focused as hard as she could, grabbed hold of something, and pulled out...
..a turnip. A big white turnip with an even bigger grin. "Useless..." she muttered, and put her hand into the floor again. This time, upon lifting it out, she grinned. Once nothing, now a Bob-omb the size of her head. She took the candle from her father's nightstand and lit the bomb's fuse. Setting it next to her father, she took off like crazy - all those years of keeping in shape were gonna pay off in a huge way. Before long, Daisy had cleared the castle grounds, just as the bomb exploded. In an instant, Daisy's castle was gone. "WOO HOO!" she shrieked. She hopped on her motor bike and rode off into the sunset.
For the next few years, Daisy lived the party life. She'd go clubbing with her friends, participate in street races, and even experimented with drugs a little bit, "just to say I've done it," she'd say.
One day, Daisy's bike racing gang was passing through Ghost Valley, when Daisy caught sight of the track built just for her. Remembering her unbeatable record, she disconnected herself from the rest of her gang to examine the sign by the track's entrance. For over two decades, the track record stayed the same. Also remembering how close she came to beating her own time when she was a baby, Daisy decided to have a go at it. At first, it was difficult, driving her much larger motor bike on the small track. Pretty soon, though, she got the hang of it, and she breezed around the track effortlessly. And before long, Daisy did what she set out to do - beat the snot out of her own record since no one else could.
And so, using the purple marker she always carried, she edited the sign to reflect the track's new record: 0:57.992. She smiled, confident her record would remain for all eternity.
The end.
(this is the Luigi Circuit short story I didn't really care about because I didn't want to write a huge short story for it)
One day, there was this cool little girl who finally beat the ghost of a wuss plumber on a track named after him. One day, she found out that a girl that looked like her except older and way hotter beat her time, so she talked to her crack-addict ape friend and said "hey dude, get over to this track and whoop this girl."
So he did.
The end.
