Writing Journey

Luckyfire

Aspiring Trainer
Member
Journey

Rating: Unknown (please rate this so I can put in a rating!)
Dedicated to: Pokebeach Members and Staff
Theme: Real-Life Fiction
Credit to:
[member]DNA[/member] for proofreading and editing Prologue. He also rated this story and suggested that it would be either G or PG.
[member]Zyflair[/member] for inspiring me to create this story.






Table of Contents
Prologue- 831 words




Prologue

A young wolf, lost and hungry, ventured across the treacherous canyon. Soon, it would rain, and the deep canyon would be flooded in no time. Even worse for the cowering wolf was that men would be here to hunt for animals. If they shot him in the eye or nose, that was it.

The wolf had always relied on his sharp hearing and smell to hunt (or 'make his way around'). As he ran from one corner to the other, the wolf soon realized that the canyon was just a series of dead ends. If he didn't find the right path to escape out of this dreaded canyon, he would either die of starvation or be shot by one of the men. The wolf was steadily starving to death, and he knew that he had to find some food fast, or he would die. He heard a gunshot, but he hadn't been killed yet. He looked up and realized that it was a bird that had been shot from a flock of birds overhead. This was his chance to finally eat. He looked at the startled bird, which was falling down to a nearby spot. The wolf ran towards the falling bird, until after about five minutes, he stopped. The bird was now directly above the wolf. All he had to do was catch the bird with his mouth and gulp it up. He lifted his head towards the falling bird, and opened his mouth, baring his teeth.

The bird looked down and pointed its talons at the wolf's mouth. It screeched as a warning to the wolf.

The wolf, of course, had to close its eyes when it opened its mouth. He opened his eyes and looked at the bird. He backed off and blinked. He'd never seen a more beautiful bird, let alone one that would give such a warning. Most birds would just cut a wolf's mouth without a second thought. Why had this bird been so nice, as if to beg for mercy, to warn the wolf? Why?

The bird alighted on the ground without even limping or spinning. It didn't show any sign of being hurt. If this was true, that meant the bird had been trying to warn its flock. But how would it have been able to blend in with the flock so nicely? How had it fooled the wolf?

The wolf temporarily forgot his hunger and studied the bird. It looked as large as a eagle, but it seemed as small as a mouse in the sky. The strange bird was a beautiful hue of white with a hint of blue, plus streaks of gray in its fragile yet strong-looking feathers. Its head was shaped like that of a dove's, and its neck seemed to sparkle. Its tail feathers occasionally sparkled as well.

"Pardon me?" the bird chirped.

The wolf blinked again. The pains of his starvation returned, and the wolf howled in agony.

"Hush! Calm down, or you will die," the bird spoke soothingly. The wolf calmed down. He sat down and awaited the bird's response.

"Good. I will repay you for not eating me," the bird said. The wolf's ears pricked up. "You see, I have been lost myself for quite some time. Are you a lone wolf?"

The wolf backed away. He wasn't expecting a question. "Y-yes, sir. I am, you see, terribly hungry, so could I go hunt for food?" he begged.

The bird shook its head. "I'm afraid not. With the humans here, it will be impossible. Of all creatures lying outside my peaceful forest, the human is the worst of them all. It seems to 'own the land' with that menacing black arm. Once the silver rock hits your body, you're done for. And then, they take your poor fur and shave it off and eat your heart for dinner!" The bird frowned. It seemed to glance at something. The wolf took a quick peek at what the bird was looking at. But as soon as the wolf saw the smoke, he immedately headed for cover. Their black arms often smoked as the rock blasted out, from similar experiences that the animal had been in. The wolf was running for the nearby forest that lay beyond the reach of sunlight. He had no choice but to flee. As for the bird, it died when the rocks hit its heart. The wolf would have eaten the poor bird, but he told himself, Don't turn back. That was what prevented the wolf from ever seeing the bird again.

"Yipe! Humans! Get away, you menacing fool!" the awestruck wolf yelped. A dark figure shot out of the smoke. Man. It ran as fast as it could, until it was tired and gave up. The wolf kept running. It was finally at the edge of darkness that shrouded the dense forest. The wolf stopped running. The creature panted as the darkness, seemingly, covered him.

This is the end, the wolf thought.
 
Bumping this...

Some have given me advice on chat, but I see no posts here. Why not post here to help me? :)
 
...I was in the mountains for the weekend. That's why I didn't respond earlier. Also, there is no need to bump your topic. We'll get to it.

I know I proofed your prologue before, but I did spot a few more things...
The wolf, of course, had to close its eyes when it opened its mouth.
Why would he "of course" have to close his eyes, and what does that have to do with the bird screeching? (Also I noticed you describe the wolf here with 'it' instead of 'he'. You should fix wherever you do that.)
The wolf temporarily forgot his hunger and studied the bird. It looked as large as a eagle, but it seemed as small as a mouse in the sky.
I don't think you need to mention the second half of this sentence, since it's no longer in the sky (it landed). If you want to keep it though, reword it, to something like "...large as an eagle, even though it seemed as small as a mouse when in the sky."
An awful wheezing voice deepened.
When you say "deepened", you imply that there was an awful wheezing voice that has already been mentioned in the story...which it hasn't. Use another word.
A absolutely terrifying and ugly face were revealed by the box.
"An", not "a". Also, "was", not "were".
Ears showed up behind his long hair.
change "his" to "its" (since you use neuter pronouns to describe the human in this whole paragraph)
And another black, cold arm showed up in a pale arm... and fired.
...Since you're obviously talking about a rifle here, and the human doesn't have three arms, change one of the "arm" words to something more accurate.

I would like to point out that, in your original draft and this one, you did not explain at all what happened to make the human appear. This bird talks to the wolf in perfectly intelligible speaks, and then suddenly it molts, then this cardboard box appears out of nowhere and a person climbs out of it. I have no idea what was just supposed to happen, and you didn't explain it very well at all.

Then he heard a booming noise and in no time, lots of raindrops began to flood the canyon.
Although saying "lots of raindrops" is not incorrect, it wouldn't hurt to use a stronger word, like "a multitude of raindrops", instead.
Its flowing blond hair were howling due to the strong winds.
were was

~~~

I feel like there are a few things you could have explained/described better - like the bird scene and the human "swimming" through the canyon (seriously, how did the canyon fill up THAT fast?) - although as a whole your story is decent. I can tell it isn't one of those stereotypical PMD/Pokemon trainer fics that have already been done a million times before, which does please me, so I am a bit optimistic about where this will be headed.

#first_to_critique
 
Ok, the promised critic I shall now give.

You said:
The wolf was steadily starving to death, and he knew that he had to find some food fast!or he would die.
The sentence repeats itself. People know that starving is a way to die, so saying "or he would die" just repeats. That's really something that most people miss, and over read (took me 3 times of reading to find it) and It shouldn't have those few words.

You said:
The wolf ran towards the falling bird, until after about five minutes, he stopped.
The 'until' just doesn't fit into the sentence. It seems weird to say out loud. (always read your work out loud to yourself.)

You said:
The bird was now directly above the wolfp, and all he had to do was catch the bird with his mouth and gulp it up.
If you didn't see, that was a sentence that could've been combined, and very easily.

You said:
he strange bird was a beautiful hue of white with a hint of blue, pluswith streaks of gray in its fragile yet strong-looking feathers.
I corrected, you don't really wanna use plus in writing. It just sounds plain lazy.

You said:
An awful wheezing voice deepened, and Hairless arms hung under the rising box, then arms grabbed the box and raised it up even more.
Lot's of sentences to combine here.

Besides what DNA said, that's all I can find.
 
DNA, I've also noticed that a adult human can't make itself the size of a eagle. I know I noted that it seemed as large as a eagle, but how would the human even be able to fly in the sky? He'd be too heavy to even lift off the ground.

I've noticed a lot of mistakes in the starting story as well, and hope to fix these, if I have time. I'd love to post the next chapter, but I wanted to be focused on one story, which is hard if I planned to do one chapter a time. I've currently finished another story, Dragons, in which I'm afraid that if I post the new story, my older story, The Time Portal, will have lost its spark. I still have the draft of the chapter, but it's incomplete.

I'm sorry for being so confusing. I've been busy lately (playing with my new Skylanders) and plan to post the chapter of Time Portal, then focuse on Journey, and finally finish posting Dragons.

>.<
 
Lucky Fire said:
DNA, I've also noticed that a adult human can't make itself the size of a eagle. I know I noted that it seemed as large as a eagle, but how would the human even be able to fly in the sky? He'd be too heavy to even lift off the ground.
Wait, what are you talking about? Are you talking about the scene that I couldn't understand whatsoever?

Lucky Fire said:
I'm sorry for being so confusing. I've been busy lately (playing with my new Skylanders) and plan to post the chapter of Time Portal, then focuse on Journey, and finally finish posting Dragons.
Hey, no worries. Just focus on one thing at a time, and prioritize, which is what you have been doing. I can wait.
 
Which scene? I think I was referring to this:
Lucky Fire said:
The bird shook its head. It then began to shake. It shed its feathers and wings. Soon, the wolf saw cardboard and a oval-spheric box. The box shook and raised up. Blue jeans showed up under it. An awful wheezing voice deepened. Hairless arms hung under the rising box. The arms grabbed the box and raised it up even more. A absolutely terrifying and ugly face were revealed by the box. The face gritted its teeth. Ears showed up behind his long hair. Its chest was covered by a blue shirt. The intruder's eyes widened and stared at the wolf. Its nose snorted at the wolf. And another black, cold arm showed up in a pale arm... and fired.
Also, I said that the human would be too heavy to fly. I found that it was too large to even be the size of a eagle. It would have to duck constantly in order to walk and fly. And how did he even fold up his wings?

I guess this is too confusing for the reader.
 
It's WAY too confusing; as I said earlier:

DNA said:
I would like to point out that, in your original draft and this one, you did not explain at all what happened to make the human appear. This bird talks to the wolf in perfectly intelligible speaks, and then suddenly it molts, then this cardboard box appears out of nowhere and a person climbs out of it. I have no idea what was just supposed to happen, and you didn't explain it very well at all.

I honestly have no idea what happened in that scene and I can't make sense of it at all.
 
Just rewrite that one scene so it's more understandable - remember, the reader needs to be able to understand it just as much as the writer does. You don't need to scrap the chapter; you just need to fix that scene.
 
Correct, DNA. I've finished editing a part of the prologue. A large part, actually. You can reread it if you want. :)
 
Ah, yes, that's much better.

I noticed you tweaked the end to the prologue a tiny bit, cropping out that last bit where the girl feeds the wolf some meat. Did you cut that out to put in a later chapter, or do you have other plans for what the next installment will hold?
 
I changed it to a different ending of the prologue. I'll now work on the first chapter. ;)

I do have other plans. And, no, I didn't cut it out, I deleted that part. So, anyone find any errors there? :)
 
I was wondering why you let that part slide, DNA. Turns out you didn't. |D
 
Oh, man, Chapter One is long overdue. I really need to focus on these things...




Chapter One: The Shrouded Forest

The wolf whimpered as he looked back at the man. They were still running for him. I have no choice, he thought. They can't follow me into this dense forest. Great. I'll die in that god-forsaken place. He shut his eyes as tightly as he could, and ran into the darkness of the shrouded forest.

Only that this dark forest was a trap. The teenager didn't know that.

Paws digging into the ground with every step, he found the ground and dirt to be amazingly relaxing, for a seemingly hostile place. Ahh, he thought. Maybe I can find some food. I wonder if anyone ever found this place. It doesn't seem so bad. The wolf looked up, and felt the glimmering surface of the sunlight that flowed through the trees' leaves. He ignored the pain in his stomach and saw some squirrels peering through the branches.

"Eeeek! Don't push me!" a gray squirrel fell, and the wolf, without a second thought, instinctively jumped to catch the falling squirrel. He tore the flesh from her bones and swallowed it. This is incredibly delicious. I should stay here for a while. He finished up the last of his spoils, and lay in a pile of leaves, deep in thought.

Must I stay here?

No. This is a extremely dangerous place.

Then.. what should I truly do, instinct?

You have to eat more. Your stomach is still growling for meat.

But... what must I do? Are you still there?
the wolf's instincts were beginning to fade away.

Survive. Y-you must get out of here as soon as your stomach is half full. One cannot trust himself to fall to such promises... the instincts of the teenage canine faded into nothingness. Soon, they would disappear for indeed, if the wolf was to fall victim to such promises, then he would have no purpose; no reason to even live at all.

----

Well...

Am I still alive? Am I here?

He, the grayish wolf, had eaten too much for his poor stomach to digest. He'd fainted.
Suddenly, a small draft rippled through his mind.

Huuuuuurrrrr.....

"Ho-oh-ho-oh-ho. I see that he's still here. Is he coming to his senses?"

"Yeah, I think so, Da. He's moving."

"Good. I'd be glad to finally find someone who can still survive here and escape with me. Ho-oh-ho-oh-ho."
The wolf heard the soft humming of wings above his face. It wasn't a large bird... but something small. Bees? He forced his eyes to open. Above him were two little birds. Again, he almost fell asleep due to the soft humming of their wings.

"Ho-oh-ho. Surely you must not find us delicious? Or even a tiny bit spicy?" the larger one cocked its head. "Hmm. Whatcha do you think, Ruby? Does he seem capable?"

"Huh! It won't eat us. How smart. Well, either that, or he's too full and ill," the other bird chortled. "His guide has disappeared."

"Ruby! Be nice! So you say his guide's disappeared, eh? Then we must guide him."

The wolf raised his ears instinctively. Guides? Do they mean my instinct? He growled. "Who are you? What are you?"

"Hummingbirds, duh! What else?" the smaller one retorted.

"Ruby! Anyways, don't mind her. I'm Loneis, but everyone calls me Saphir for some reason. And this here is my girlfriend, Ruby."

"Stop that! You know we're related!" Ruby shouted. "Anyways, this forest is a trap. At least we found someone who tried to resist. We're too small for them to eat. Lemme show you where the Shade Vipers live."

The wolf blinked in question once more. "Shade vipers? Traps?"

"Yeah. They live in a monstrous cave said to be so vile and poisonous that many have died just being near its entrance. Some can go through it easy, if they simply believe," Loneis explained.

"Say... wolf... what's your name, anyways? And where did you pop out of?" Ruby suddenly piped up.

"My name! You demand to know!" he bellowed, then jumped up out of shock at his own words. "Well, it's... it's... Leonifur," the wolf stammered, and walked around in a circle.

"Leo? The sign for cat? You're a canine. Why'd they call you that?" the reddish-colored hummingbird asked, studying his grayish fur.

"The pack believed that I would be a bad puppy. Therefore, they shamed me by naming me Leonifur, even though I acted really kind and good. Boy, what they'll believe..."

"So not only believing that you were a evil spirit made them put a blemish on your name, but also blinded them. They only see what they believe. Did you know that you're going to turn black with white spots soon?" Ruby replied.

"Is that true? Anyways- get to the point. I wish for you to take me to the Shade vipers."

"Fine," they both said, and hovered through the trees, just long enough for Leonifur to catch up to them. As he ventured through the forest with the help of two birds, it got darker and even more scary than usual. Leonifur noticed that those hummingbirds were beginning to look strange, like they were slowly undergoing a transition from bird to mammal. Their bodily shape changed, along with their tiny legs. Ruby's beak turned to a white muzzle, along with her belly. Their legs grew longer and furrier, until at last it was so hideous that Leonifur had to ask them to stop. He drew his eyes away from the bird-mammals.

"We're, um, transforming, aren't we, brother?" Ruby bobbed her head.

"Yes, Ruby. I think the cave's affected us. Remember what the plate on that wall said?"

"What?" Ruby stopped her ever-beating wings, and noticed that she had grown so big in such a short time. She almost swooned, for indeed, this thing was not used to heavy weight. After a moment of thinking, she remembered. "Oh yes! That's it. It said...

'Beware, two, for if you come here a third time,
A spell from a wizard is cast upon the band and me
which changes the different two to the third one's own kind...'
"
 
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