Writing Kibōyume - A LeafFrostShipping Fanfiction (Update: Chapter One)

[Queen Sylveon]

Credit to Fancy.
This Fanfiction is called Kibōyume (a mix between 希望 (hope) and 夢 (dream)), and it's about... well... Read this:

Spoiler: Quick Description

Kikori the Glaceon and Mint the Leafeon have been friends since they met at the Great Lake in the Land of the Canyon. They had fun every day, some even calling them the "LeafFrost Duo". They would do something different every day, because the Ice Canyon where Kikori was all things same and she loves something different happening.
That's not all- they're both very different from their species. Their fur is different color than normal, and some of their attacks have brown or white tints to them. Life was fun for them, and little did they know they would almost drown the world into darkness.
One day they start seeing strange shadows. Sometimes they would see a shadow on the ground with nothing nearby to make it, or maybe the sun would be blocked out even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky..
And with thirty days left to the Powerful Moonlight, they see the source- Kunazo, the dark-spirited legendary Umbreon that was said to be banished to a painful slumber. He was planning to sink the world into darkness using the Powerful Moonlight, destroying everything and everyone in its path! Can Kikori and Mint stop him... Or will the world see darkness for eternity?

This Fanfiction is in process. I hope you like it when I develop the chapters!

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Here's are some smaller characters mentioned later on (or already mentioned, or just mentioned but not named)

Spoiler: Mentioned Already

Bi- Guardian of the Forest Canyon. Friends with almost everyone he meets.

Cherry. She appears at some points in the Forest Canyon.

Hige- A kind man that grabs fruit for the Forest Pokémon that can't reach it.

Spoiler: Can Be an Extreme Spoiler

Cotton: At one point they are stuck in the Tall Canyon, and she flew them out.

These shiny Chestnaught are positioned on the Forest side of the Great Lake to protect it from harm.

Just like the Chestnaught, except for on the Ice side.

Leon is one Guardians of the Water Canyon. The other is his sister, Kay.

Kay is one of the Guardians of the Water Canyon. The other is her brother, Leon.

I'll update this when I come up with more!
UPDATE: Leon and Kay!

 

[Queen Sylveon]

RE: Kibōyume- A LeafFrostShipping Fanfiction (In progress)

Spoiler: Prologue

The Dark Canyon was a mysterious place. Dark, scary, path-twisty, it even had that sort of dramatic effect of purplish fog. Kunazo was the only one there who wasn't a loner, a smart person, or a powerful person. Sometimes he felt left out.
So one day he ran away and set out to find a place where he would fit in. He traveled to the Ice Canyon, but they were too "everything should be the same" type. He traveled to the Cavernous Canyon where the Rock, Ground, Steel, and Fighting types live, but they were too focused and serious. He traveled to the Tall Canyon, but the flying Pokémon were too open-mined, plus he still wouldn't fit in since he couldn't fly without using Psychic on himself.
Then, one day, he came across a Pokémon that called himself Darkrai. He offered him happiness in a place where no Canyon Pokémon has gone before. Kunazo, too young and dumb to think it through, immediately took the offer. As soon as he grabbed Darkrai's hand, he was immediately knocked out and fell into a deep slumber. Little did he know the darkness he had caused.
Darkrai had knocked out Kunazo and made a duplicate of him whose soul was filled with pure evil. It was completely black with dark-red rings as well. Darkrai sent it to cause destruction to the world. He made it to be unstoppable unless one condition that he thought will never be fulfilled- The clone could only die if the real Kunazo woke up and defeated it. He thought that would never happen. He was wrong.
The willpower in Kunazo's journey to find a place where he would fit in finally broke his slumber one day hundreds of years later. He felt himself open his eyes at the edge of the Great Lake, the place that separated the Ice Canyon and the Forest Canyon. He saw Pokémon shaking fearfully, with absolute fright in their eyes. He looked to see the duplicate of himself holding down a baby Eevee. It was practically abusing it.
Instinctively Kunazo lunged at the duplicate. The duplicate turned around right before it got knocked in the chest. They rolled over right to the Lake's edge. They were battling as if it were the last battle on Earth.
Intense moves were used. At one point the duplicate used a move so hard Kunazo crashed into a tree. He struggled to open his eyes. That Darkrai... Kunazo thought. He tricked me... What have I done...? Than an idea flashed into his head. Darkrai! If he made that duplicate of me, he might be using it as a marionette, which means...He looked around, and with his keen eyesight he saw eyes glinting in the shadows.
Kunazo got up with all his might and ran toward the eyes. The eyes showed extreme surprise as Kunazo got closer every heartbeat. He could make out the shape of Darkrai. He could see that an attack hit him right before he bit Darkrai in a place where he started screaming. Next thing he knew, he was biting at air. He took much strength to look where his duplicate was, but it was gone. He had put Darkrai and the duplicate into the deep slumber Darkrai had put him in.
Then Kunazo's strength sucked out of him all at once. He collapsed to the ground. The now joyful Pokémon gathered around him. They looked worried now. Kunazo suddenly realized what the move Darkrai used was- Destiny Bond. But he didn't worry. Sometimes you have to risk for the greater good.
Present Day...
"And since then, Kunazo has been a legend to many, and honored by us all," The Ice Canyon teacher finished.
"Tell it again! Tell it again!" Kikori the unusual Glaceon chanted.
"Okay..." And she told it again. And again. And again.

I don't care if Darkrai can't learn Destiny Bond XP
Hope you like it!

 

[Queen Sylveon]

RE: Kibōyume - A LeafFrostShipping Fanfiction (In progress)

Spoiler: Chapter 1

Kikori skated across the sparkling blue ice, Mint watching at the sides of the Great Lake. She did cool and dangerous tricks, like spinning one paw and doing backflips while turning three times in the air, but she didn't fall or slip. In fact, she didn't hurt herself at all. Mint thought it was fun to watch an ice type that didn't have a single hint of blue on their body. Kikori spun and backfliped, and then jumped off the ice and onto the shore, right next to Mint.
It was wintertime, and the surroundings were completely white and covered in snow, whether it be the Ice Canyon or the Forest Canyon. The sunlight was doing no good in the temperature, but it was pretty against the tall pillars of the distant Tall Canyon, or on the silvery-blue ice if the Great Lake, making it sparkle.
"You know, I bet Cherry is taking another nap in that tree," Mint said with a smirk. Kikori smirked as well. They turned to each other. "Time for a prank!" they both whispered to each other. They both ran to where Cherry usually slept.
Cherry was a Cherrim. She often slept on the same branch on the same tree in the same place at the same time- this time made that spot half shady, half sunny, making it a perfect place to curl up and keep yourself warm during the harsh, cold temperatures of the Canyon wintertime. As they ran to that tree, Bi buzzed above them. "Hello Bi!" Kikori greeted him. "Hello!" he said back. "Pranking Cherry again?" He asked, smiling. "Last time, her feet were accidentally frozen for hours!" "Yup!" Mint replied. They ran on to the tree, which happened to be one of the biggest.
They finally arrived at the tree. Kikori sniggered as she froze the branch Cherry was sleeping on. Then she ran behind the tree and climbed up to a branch near Cherry. She signaled used their signal (holding up one paw and thumping on the ground or against the tree) to Mint.
Mint got the signal. He climbed up next to Cherry. He made sure to do it carefully. When he was In position, he shouted "BOO!", making her jump and shriek. Then she struggled to hold onto the frozen branch. She fell off as she slipped and landed on the frosty snow-covered ground.
Kikori and Mint climbed down from the tree and started laughing. Cherry started laughing as well. "Oh, you guys!" she said to the LeafFrost Duo. "Once again you got me in your master arts of pranking!"
"Yup!" Kikori said. "Man, being the best pranksters in the Canyon sure does make me hungry! Let's go talk to old man Hige and see if he'll get those berries up there down for us!" she added, looking upwards towards the Oran Berries at the top of the tree, covered by a big leaf so they were warm and thawed.
Mint climbed to the top of the tree and saw Hige's head immediately because of his huge size. "Hige!" he called. Hige turned his head around. He walked over. "Yes?" he asked. "Can you get those Oran Berries?" Mint asked him. "Of course I can!" Hige said. He leaned and grabbed the berries from the tree. He gave them to Mint. "Thank you!" Mint said. He climbed back down and split the berries so all three would have an equal amount.
After they were finished gobbling down their food like crazy eating, Cherry said she would go back to taking her once-peaceful nap. After she curled back up on her branch, Kikori and Mint went back to the Lake and hung out at the tree Kunazo was said to have crashed into. Kikori just kept on admiring the front of the tree.
"What's up with you?" Mint asked her, circling around the tree and occasionally trying to trap one of the few falling leaves left to the ground. For some reason he just didn't like it when Kikori just stared at the tree like it was the most valuable thing in the world. "You're staring at it as if it's a gemstone."
"I just love that legend! It's the best! It's why I learned the ancient language! Imagine where we would be if Kunazo hadn't crashed into this very tree!" Kikori replied.
"Probably darkness," Mint said. He continued playing with the falling leaves, and Kikori kept on ranting on about the legend, eventually instinctively resorting to the ancient language she was talking about. "Fomesta Kan Vadta Miz Kunazo amakin..."
It was dusk when Kikori and Mint decided to go back to their homes. As Kikori passed one of the few trees and bushes in the Ice Canyon, she thought she heard rustling. She looked behind the bush, but nothing was there. "It must just be a snow rabbit," she supposed, not seeing the slightly red marks on the dark-green leaves.
Mint was walking home too when he saw circular tracks in the snow. "Cherry must have gotten up to take a walk around," he supposed without really thinking, as the tracks led to nowhere and Cherry couldn't fly.

I hope you like it
EDIT: Added more words. Were they enough? I could add more.
EDIT: Added some more words.

 

[Turtwig]

RE: Kibōyume - A LeafFrostShipping Fanfiction (In progress)

Prologue:

Haha the prologue reminds me of the intro to that Lucario and the Mystery of Mew movie. I like the concept you used for the prologue, but I still haven't figured out what the conflict is. I hope you get to that in the first chapter--it's probably the most important part of the introduction. Apart from content, there are several errors I'd like to address: first, may I suggest double spacing your paragraphs? Microsoft Word does not directly do this when we copy and paste, so I suggest spacing out the paragraphs more. Furthermore, your sentences seem a little choppy. Instead of using "it" so many times, find different alternatives that puts down confusion. For example, instead of using Umbreon's unfamiliarly new name, you can sometimes fill it in with "the Umbreon" or something of the sort. Make it so the readers can gradually get used to the name. Furthermore, there are a few spelling errors (like the spelling of "prologue") that you should probably double-check before posting. Don't forget that description is just as important to the concept of a story as the dialogue. Overall, not a bad prologue!

 

[Fancy]

RE: Kibōyume - A LeafFrostShipping Fanfiction (In progress)

Hello, I'm here to do a fancy review. Turtwig hit on some fancy points in the above post, so I'll just go on with some other things I noticed when reading. But, first things first, I'm a bit sad to say this, but the word count for Chapter 1 doesn't quite meet the required 800 Words for a Chapter, but the Prologue is fine and it exceeds the 300-400 word requirement for Prologues. For Chapter 1, you only need to add in a extra 217 words, which isn't too bad. The updates took care of this problem, awesome! I think the biggest suggestion I want to make here is to add more description in your writing, and once you do, the word count should come naturally most times.

Examples for adding more description range from going a bit more in-depth with battle scenes (while maintaining a good balance of action as well), detailing the characters and how they feel or look, the setting around them, among other things.

Now, lets get to the proofreading of your story, starting with the prologue and grammatical mistakes I noticed. ^_^

plus he still wouldn't fit in since he could fly without using Psychic on himself.

I think you meant to say "plus he still wouldn't fit in since he couldn't fly without using Psychic on himself." I didn't really see how it would work with the original text, but I could just be misintrepreting.

Darkrai had knocked out Kunazo and made a duplicate of him who's soul was filled with pure evil.

The "who's and "whose" thing can be easy to miss, but I think of it like this. "Who's" means "Who Is" while "whose" basically is possessive. So, for this instance, I believe whose would fit in where "who's" doesn't. So, it would look more like...

Darkrai had knocked out Kunazo and made a duplicate of him whose soul was filled with pure evil.

Moving onto the story of the Prologue itself, was very interesting and makes me wonder how it will fit into the later chapters. So, I'm very interested in where it's going. ^_^

The 1st Chapter was really nice having more time featuring Kikori and Mint, and I could see a little ominous foreshadowing near the end. Fancily intriguing, and also seeing the other pokemon featured in that spoiler in the first post was nice, and how they all are in a community and play a role.

 

[Queen Sylveon]

RE: Kibōyume - A LeafFrostShipping Fanfiction (In progress)

snip

Darn auto correct -_- Because I'm actually typing this straight onto here from my iPad. But thanks for the praise

 

[Queen Sylveon]

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, guys. Since I have around 15 minutes until I have to leave, here's a sneak peak at one of the ending chapters:
(P.S. Since I don't want to do so much spoiler, there are some characters in here with names you don't know yet. You don't even know who they are (though you could probably guess some)!)
(P.S.S. Is this considered a chapter? Because, like I said before, it's just a sneak peak at an ending chapter)
(I don't know if there is anything past P.S.S.: This peek is one of the most important and touching chapters of the ones I will put in this whole story. Pretty much the whole story could be explained in this peek. I'm telling you- if you don't like spoilers, don't read it.)

Spoiler

Dark Blood circled around Kikori with an evil smirk on his face. She tried to free her paws from the shadow chains, but it was all in vain as they only got tighter. "Save it, cold brownie," said Dark Fern from his dead tree.
"Let her go!" Mint shouted from his chain. "You save it too, icy leaf," said Dark Power from across the dark pit. "LET HER GO!" Mint said at a volume he never thought he could reach. "Too bad, it's not gonna happen," said Dark Power as if the fact that the world was going to be engulfed in darkness was no big deal. She smirked at the realization in Mint's eyes.
But it wasn't the realization she thought it was. Willpower... willpower breaks the darkness... emotional willpower... Go deeper... deeper into your feelings... He found himself out of the chains in an instant once he realized one thing. The Dark Pokémon were so shocked Mint almost smirked like they always do. "Get him!" Dark Blood ordered.
Dark Power had turned into a Charizard. Surprised at the sudden swiftness in his feet, he avoided all the Flamethrowers and once rolled right under a Shadow Ball from Dark Blood right after avoiding another Flame. The Dark Pokémon were clearly easily outwitted when their battle instincts are on, for he got Dark Fern burnt twice.
Eventually the Dark Pokémon were worn out. Dark Power had transformed back, and Dark Fern had burn marks all over.