LGBTQA+ Advice & Discussion Group

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I think the point is to discuss topics in an exploratory, educational manner that doesn't allow people to pick sides on a case-based discussion. For instance, it's hard to not make bible interpretations into a debate topic, and Raikou doesn't want it to turn into that. That's why he encourages starting a different thread for the sake of debating...
 
Few days ago, 16-years old girl was murdered at the annual Israel's Pride Parade by a homophobic.
I'm not homosexual. I don't have any gay friends or gay family members.
Yet when I heard about that, I have been so angry I could explode. I have a lot of sensitivity to freedom and equal rights.
After that, a lot of well-known people, singers, reporters and even politicians had decided to come out.
So yeah, just wanted to show some support and get out my anger on that sad event but especially show my modest support that everyone needs to come out and never stay inside.
Oh, and I would like to join the group :)
 
It pains me deeply to hear of people losing their lives to people who are bigoted or discriminatory. There is so much of it in the news lately and it's extremely disheartening. It makes you want to lose faith in people, the justice system, and more. Here are some things that I think are important to remember through these times:

- Cling tightly to the right ways to treat people and make yourself more aware of how to better be someone that is accepting and loving of people from all walks of life.
- Teach others those ways when you can.
- Support in any way you can the rise against unjustice, the fear in people's hearts, and any terrible practices against human rights in our world today.
- Learn of ways you can protect yourself within the law (if need be).
 
So I'm curious, who else had a kind of "moment" when they gave all the stereotypical gay stuff a chance? I knew I was gay at maybe 13, but it didn't really come into perspective until I was a junior in high school that there was a kind of culture that I was able to explore. I started buying better-looking clothes, getting a hang on dancing, reading GQ, doing my homework on fashion week, hair care, etc. They say there's a phase that a lot of young, gay men go through that's socially similar to the college frat boy phase where they're so engendered in the stereotypes of their sexuality, it can get borderline annoying. I think it was during that year I began trying to better discover myself by exploring where I draw the line between an affectation and genuine behavior. I always saw my sexuality like, "this is a fragment of me, but how much control does that fragment have of my identity?", and I would try to experiment with different things to create conclusions for what was going on with me mentally and spiritually.

I shouldn't really speak in past-tense, because I still do a lot of exploration. Is anybody kind of going through that, or have you had a similar experience where you would treat your sexuality like you are solely defined by it and just completely queen out?
 
TheWicky said:
So I'm curious, who else had a kind of "moment" when they gave all the stereotypical gay stuff a chance? I knew I was gay at maybe 13, but it didn't really come into perspective until I was a junior in high school that there was a kind of culture that I was able to explore. I started buying better-looking clothes, getting a hang on dancing, reading GQ, doing my homework on fashion week, hair care, etc. They say there's a phase that a lot of young, gay men go through that's socially similar to the college frat boy phase where they're so engendered in the stereotypes of their sexuality, it can get borderline annoying. I think it was during that year I began trying to better discover myself by exploring where I draw the line between an affectation and genuine behavior. I always saw my sexuality like, "this is a fragment of me, but how much control does that fragment have of my identity?", and I would try to experiment with different things to create conclusions for what was going on with me mentally and spiritually.

I shouldn't really speak in past-tense, because I still do a lot of exploration. Is anybody kind of going through that, or have you had a similar experience where you would treat your sexuality like you are solely defined by it and just completely queen out?
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I think it's different for everyone, but I know a lot of people have their "coming of age" around high school. You start to realize what looks good, you get a fashion sense/style somewhat, you get more social/explorative. I know I subscribed to a more masculine/"bro" style, took care of my hair/skin more, read up on clothing/shoes,... Thats when I was more curious about what I was experiencing though, and I didn't really get opened up to most of "gay culture" until right before college - when I really did more branching out. I still kind of subscribe to my old style but more fashionable. Sometimes I question if I have an stereotypically gay bone in my body, though.

Regardless, I think we are all slowly exploring and finding new facets of ourselves as time goes on and as we experience new things. I truly believe we cannot be confined by stereotypes if we don't let ourselves be. Not saying that some embracing of ____ culture is bad, but that you should be able to say to parts of things "hey, this is me.", "hey, that's not me." and form your own personality/life mantra. It's silly to think we all fit in the same plain box.
 
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Probably quite late to the party, but I'd like to join this group.
I identify as pansexual, and have for roughly a year. (I kinda dislike it when people always think it's just bi, and I'll probably correct you if you say something like that) (and no, I will not be that Tumblr SJW that demands it's in the title, I'm fine with it being represented with the +)
I like to say that I'm fairly up-to-date and have knowledge about the LGBT+ community, and am fairly knowledgeable about transgenderism.

On the subject of me being pansexual, is there anyone else who feels more sexually attracted to one gender and more emotionally attracted to another? I'm like this with guys and girls, respectively and I think it's just a bit of an interesting thing I've found out about myself.
 
I guess I really didn't queen out until my first year of college when I got the chance to reinvent myself. My fashion sense basically spiked up radically, and as someone pursuing a career in the fashion industry I always had a more fashionable intuition. Also since I'm naturally very feminine I basically am a living stereotype of your average gay male, but I have slowly become more subtle in my fashion choices recently. I do take care of myself quite well naturally, but as someone who has taken up doing drag, I have put a bit less effort into my "boy" self, and have began to put a lot more attention into my queen's (or "girl) self. But as someone who is also gender-fluid, I have days where my focus on my masculinity and femininity do shift constantly.
 
I'd potentially be interested in joining. It's been a while since I've been on these forums (or any forums at all, really), but I think resources and groups like this are hugely important, particularly to those that may not have access to local advice/social groups.

Throughout high school, I was very confused. I struggled for quite a few years with accepting myself as gay, basically choosing to ignore/suppress it. I'd keep up appearances occasionally, pointing out girls I thought were attractive etc. Even ended up dating one of my female best friends, which I still feel awful about.

It wasn't until I got to university that I was able to accept myself more - it's that fresh start you get. As soon as I moved away, I was able to be anyone I wanted to be, and I didn't feel like there was a reason to hide anything. I've made loads of friends who are LGBT since, and am currently in a great relationship with my boyfriend of about a year.
I'm out to everyone where I currently live, and to most of my friends back home.

Stereotypes are an interesting topic. Part of me feels like I took longer to accept myself because at the time I didn't actually feel like I related to a lot of what a stereotypical gay man should be. Obviously people are people and not cardboard gay cutouts, but when you first start realizing you're gay you do think about these things and it does make you question yourself.
However, when you do become more accepting of yourself, you learn to care less about fitting a particular mold. These days I tend not to think too heavily about it, which is great. It makes you so much more open-minded and not worry about whether if anything is too feminine or not enough.
 
His Goominess said:
Probably quite late to the party, but I'd like to join this group.
I identify as pansexual, and have for roughly a year. (I kinda dislike it when people always think it's just bi, and I'll probably correct you if you say something like that) (and no, I will not be that Tumblr SJW that demands it's in the title, I'm fine with it being represented with the +)
I like to say that I'm fairly up-to-date and have knowledge about the LGBT+ community, and am fairly knowledgeable about transgenderism.

On the subject of me being pansexual, is there anyone else who feels more sexually attracted to one gender and more emotionally attracted to another? I'm like this with guys and girls, respectively and I think it's just a bit of an interesting thing I've found out about myself.
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Sexuality is fluid, not rigid like is taught in most "schools" (note I hate the American Education system for a very ranty list of reasons, and this is just a tiny one). My FTM Transgender friend is bi, he prefers girls a fair bit more than guys, but he's still bi because he is sexually attracted to all genders, he's not straight just because he prefers girls more than guys.

WARNING! WARNING! RANT IN COMING! WARNING! WARNING!

Also said FTM Transgender friend just came out of the (trans) closet to his family and his mom was so sad about "loosing her daughter". WTF a hole? You accept your daughter as bi, but when she becomes a he "OMG I DUN HAVE A DAUGHTER I LOST HER TO DEATH AND FUNERALS OMG CRYINGGGG!". What the actual F woman? You don't care what gender your kids are when they're in the womb, but the second they say they identify as another gender you adopt a stranger and you lose a child? If I was there when he came out and his mom said that, 1 I wouldn't be allowed near him again, 2 the mom would be crying more and screaming because I would verbally kick her ass so hard to the point that the only response she would have is throwing things at me.
 
Calm down with the "moral" outrage. I mean that.

It is not your place to be offended for something that is not just quite natural but that didn't even happen to you; if the worst your friend can say about coming out to his mother is "she was sad about losing her daughter", then she is fortunate; of course she will be sad; it doesn't mean she doesn't love and accept her son, but she will (understandably) need time to adjust; anyone would.
And I don't say this lightly; be there for your friend and help him however you can on his transition and coming out, but refrain from such opinions, misplaced outrage and bravado in the future, they won't help him at all, and they make you look bad.
 
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professorlight said:
Calm down with the "moral" outrage, kid. I mean that.

It is not your place to be offended for something that is not just quite natural but that didn't even happen to you; if the worst your friend can say about coming out to his mother is "she was sad about losing her daughter", then she is very fortunate; of course she will be sad; it doesn't mean she doesn't love her son, and she will understandably need time to adjust; everyone does.
And I don't say this lightly; be there for your friend and help her however you can on his transition and coming out, but refrain from such opinions, misplaced outrage and bravado in the future, they won't help him at all, and they make you look bad.
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Sorry, I just get really ragey when someone has to deal with someone else's BS because they have their head inside their behind. And it's not "moral" it's honest anger that I can't verbally slap the mom in that place in time. However, because I go to the same uber liberal church as he and his mom do I will be there to defend him and wipe the floor with his mom in the even she says some BS like that while I'm around. I have learned that sometimes it's ok to say "f***** risks I'm doing this", because chances are you have a much happier mind after you do the thing and the consequences are not as bad as you think they will be. I also really do have the master balls to go up to someone in the middle of a "private" conversation (as in everyone can hear you yelling at X person), call out the a hole, wipe the floor with them and let the victim be free and happy as they no longer have to deal with their total b***** s*****.
 
That's the problem. No one in that situation (as you retold it) seems to have their "head inside their behind"; you described the most positive, yet realistic situation that a trans person will find when coming out to his parents; they're not bigoted assholes, they're not abusive, they don't seem fire-and-brimstone zealots, they're just human beings who have been told that their daughter had been suffering for years with a life-changing secret, and now they have to cope with the guilt, the ignorance, and get used to the idea that the person they loved wasn't what they thought; that would be hard for anyone, and "I'm sad about losing you"(assuming she said it on a spiritual sense, rather than in a "because you need to leave home now" sense) is only the most honest answer he could get, because if they love him, it's true. And if they love him, they will accept his choice and eventually understand it.

And this means they will say some "BS" as you put it, as they adjust. It won't be frequent, hopefully, but it will happen. Live with it; it's not about you and your moral outrage (because yes, it is very much moral; you're judging them harshly based on something that doesn't have the same emotional charge to them it has to you), it's about being a good friend, and not making an already hard and uncomfortable situation worse for him and his parents.

If you do as you say and "wipe the floor with his mom", say "f*** I'm doing this" and "I have the master balls to interrupt a private conversation and make a scandal", you're not helping anyone but yourself, because if what you said before is a sample of the kind of things you might find find offensive (on other people's behalf, I might add), the only person with a happier mind will be you because you're so "strong" and "brave" and "have the balls"; that's called "A bully", regardless of how good your cause might be.

Do it if he's actually coming under attack, but it seems your definition of "trans abuse" needs some adjustment to consider sympathy and understanding for the other persons (things are not so clear as they look, usually), and you definitely need to be more diplomatic, in general; if you do what you said you would, you would be talking on behalf of your friend, who is representing all of trans people.
That would make them, not just you, look bad, and they don't need that, okay? he probably deals with enough crap already, he doesn't need to play negotiator between you and his parents, or alienate his parents on your behalf, or alienate you on their behalf.

So, please, take some time to think about this, and don't make things harder for him, he needs both his friend and his parents there.
 
TheWicky said:
So I'm curious, who else had a kind of "moment" when they gave all the stereotypical gay stuff a chance? I knew I was gay at maybe 13, but it didn't really come into perspective until I was a junior in high school that there was a kind of culture that I was able to explore. I started buying better-looking clothes, getting a hang on dancing, reading GQ, doing my homework on fashion week, hair care, etc. They say there's a phase that a lot of young, gay men go through that's socially similar to the college frat boy phase where they're so engendered in the stereotypes of their sexuality, it can get borderline annoying. I think it was during that year I began trying to better discover myself by exploring where I draw the line between an affectation and genuine behavior. I always saw my sexuality like, "this is a fragment of me, but how much control does that fragment have of my identity?", and I would try to experiment with different things to create conclusions for what was going on with me mentally and spiritually.

I shouldn't really speak in past-tense, because I still do a lot of exploration. Is anybody kind of going through that, or have you had a similar experience where you would treat your sexuality like you are solely defined by it and just completely queen out?
Click to expand...

When you put who I was in high school in comparison to who I am now, a third year in university, it can certainly be seen as though I "queened out" but I like to see it as me being fully comfortable with all aspects of my individuality. Prior to three years ago, I never embraced the feminine aspect that I always kept hidden for nonimportant reasons. I've been living in San Francisco for the last two years and this city's approach to acceptance really aided in my own self-acceptance. Whether I am considered feminine or masculine doesn't really concern me anymore, as I am just being true to my own identity for once. Being authentic with yourself is all that matters in my opinion.

Edit: Whoops, I didn't even mention my sexuality. I identify as a homosexual male.

On a side note, I haven't been on this forum in quite a while. Neat to see the new layout and more open discussions taking place. I'd like to be a member.
 
Hello, I would like to be added in this group. Thanks!
A little about myself, I'm about to begin my last year of high school and I identify as a homosexual male.
 
Hey there! I'd like to be added to the group. I'm a male homosexual in the military. I'm 28, so I'm certain I have some wisdom to share and to help others.
 
Great news everyone, sarcasm, my FTM trans friend is more screwed up than I shought he was because his mom sucks.
Every time I hug my mom he has to join in on it because he is THAT deprived of attention. He constantly blogs things on tumblr about real support isn't just saying "oh I accept you blah blah blah", it's about ACTUALLY FING ACCEPTING YOUR SON AS A SON, AND ACTUALLY F***ING NOTICING WHEN HE HAS GIANT SCARS ON HIS ARM FROM CUTTING HIMSELF DURING THE ONE WEEK HE WASN'T OVER AT MY HOUSE. I do not care what proffessor of light says, but just because his mom isn't beating him or yelling at him doesn't mean his mom isn't being horrible and doesn't have her head up her *****, because treating your son as your daughter despite him giving you a card saying "congradulations, it's a boy" IS STILL CALLED BEING AN A HOLE!

Oh and now he has to be over in some state with his gandpa and wear a female swim suit, because let's say f*** my son committing suicide due to so much body dysphoria, he's a girl because I say so! My glob, he's drawn fing comics about how going to the boys bathroom in a dead building means you hate him! Your rectum is not your thinking cap woman!

Oh and his mom refuses to go to a trans family therapy group because that would require doing something. His current therapist is doing nothing, but let's keep pretending he'll be fine if we ignore everything wrong in the world and keep him on his meds because that's all he needs. After all, he became a he after reading a book about transgender people, because people only know they're transgender when they're really young and everything else is just teenage hormones.
 
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Every time I hug my mom he has to join in on it because he is THAT deprived of attention.
HE HAS GIANT SCARS ON HIS ARM FROM CUTTING HIMSELF DURING THE ONE WEEK HE WASN'T OVER AT MY HOUSE
he has to be over in some state with his gandpa and wear a female swim suit
his mom refuses to go to a trans family therapy group
His current therapist is doing nothing, but let's keep pretending he'll be fine if we ignore everything wrong in the world and keep him on his meds because that's all he needs
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You might have wanted to mention that instead of:

his mom was so sad about "loosing her daughter". WTF a hole? You accept your daughter as bi, but when she becomes a he "OMG I DUN HAVE A DAUGHTER I LOST HER TO DEATH AND FUNERALS OMG CRYINGGGG!"
Click to expand...

Maybe you don't care about what I say, but there is a very distinct difference between a grieving process and parental and professional denial about someone with gender dysphoria, chronic depression and self-harm issues.

I do hope things get better for him; he needs you now, and he needs you to be calmer than how you sound; outrage is never the answer in this kind of delicate family matters.
If you want to help him, try, calmly, rationally and without judging (I can't stress that enough), to see why his parents act that way; is it denial? ignorance? do they know about the self-harm? would they care? is your friend at risk of suicide? what does he talk with his therapist? I assume it's a psychiatrist, rather than a psychologist; but he should keep seeing him and taking the meds, since even if the dysphoria is just contributing to his depression, it won't go away any time soon, and he needs all the possible help he can get to stabilize his mood, in addition to taking steps to internalize his dysphoria and eventually transition, if he so chooses; if he has GD, just taking some relevant steps will be very therapeutic; let him wear men's clothes when he visits you, and keep it a secret, if need be. He should visit a sympathetic psychologist as well; talking will help him elaborate his own identity, and a professional can gauge his state of mind and risk of suicide.

And yes, there is a common misconception about the whole "I always knew" issue, one the transgender community itself is very responsible for, and which ends up hurting many trans people; all you (and your friend) can do is to educate them in that it's not so simple, because nothing relating to gender dysphoria is.

Your friend has a long and hard road ahead, this is just the start, and he will need his parents' help to traverse it; if they are as bad as you say, he will have to do it alone, but at least it will have been because there was no other option; if you care about him, make completely sure there is no other option, and don't judge anyone. Good luck for both.
 
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So Friday I finally gathered up all my courage and kinda came out to my parents and sister. I asked how they would feel if I ended up gay, and they were totally fine with it. They said that the teenage years were very sexually confusing, but they would support and love me no matter where on the scale I ended. I was so relieved that I don't have to worry about them being mad or diasappointed with me, if I were to bring a boy home :D
 
steffenka said:
So Friday I finally gathered up all my courage and kinda came out to my parents and sister. I asked how they would feel if I ended up gay, and they were totally fine with it. They said that the teenage years were very sexually confusing, but they would support and love me no matter where on the scale I ended. I was so relieved that I don't have to worry about them being mad or diasappointed with me, if I were to bring a boy home :D
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Well, that is good. Not to offend you, but I'm sure your family had a feeling already and knew for a while. I mean, it is a little suspicious for a child (as in you're their offspring opposed to a little kid) to hypothesize something from no where and see for a reaction. It's the safest way to ask something without actually asking. To them, they're waiting for you to embrace it and be open about it.

Also, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Proud of you. As a gay man in the military it's been pretty difficult for me. I joined the army back in 2006 when Don't Ask Don't Tell was a policy. This policy prevent soldiers to be open about their sexuality, otherwise homosexuals would be discharged from the military. Usually not in a honorable way due to discrimination.
So I'm very happy to see that you could build up that courage. You're gonna need it. Honestly, it's a never ending "coming out" to people. When you're eating with a date and explaining that you aren't brothers and are actually "together." Or sometimes getting double takes from people because you've kissed another guy.
Just be confident about yourself. Don't allow being gay be your identity. You're more than just that. There is a whole depth to who you are and you should also embrace that. Being gay is a part of you as much as your hair color and skin color or the types of food you prefer. You don't identify yourself by the foods you eat, because the foods you eat is just a portion of who you are. The same can be said about being gay.
 
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