Writing Mewtwo's Revenge (Update: Chapter 9)

Kecleon-X

124c41+
Member
Hey guys! So, I was thinking that it was about time that I was to write a story. It follows the original canon (For the most part) and I think it is PG-13. I do not know if I am to write that in the title or a mod, but I do believe that it is a PG-13 story. Anyway, it is approximately 700 words long, but I put it into Microsoft Word and it came up with a bit over 2 pages. I believe that it said that two pages was the minimum to write or 1,000 words. I, obviously, went with the former.

But, enough chat, let us begin...

__________________________________

Prologue

The last experiment went wrong, and horribly so. There was something... Twisted that happened. Mew was supposed to be cloned, not given a mutated counterpart. It was a hideous creation; a poor excuse for a clone at best. Giovanni was going to have his head for this failure, and even worse, it had escaped. He was below the dueling Pokemon in the middle of Cerulean City.

Rain splashed on his forehead and in his eyes, though he could only make out a few shapes and flashes, he could only do so when the lightning flashed. A shape flew from the clouds and was tossed into a building. Where the buildings were once were so regal and desirable to live in, now the houses were wrecked and burning from the fierce battle that the two Pokemon were having. The larger of the two, Mewtwo, lifted himself into the air with his immense psychic power and began to scream. But this scream was not of pain or sorrow, this was a scream of pure rage. Mewtwo pulled up a tree by it's roots without lifting a finger, then tossed it at the much smaller shape.

The man jogged behind the cover of one of the buildings and looked at the glistening shape of Mewtwo, who was now conversing with Mew, his counterpart.

"Die, inferior being! All hope for your survival has been lost! You shall never defeat me!" Mewtwo shrieked, though his mouth never moved.

Mewtwo began to glow a bright orange. Two balls of light were pulsating in his hands as he began to yell and scream a battle cry. Then, he clasped his hands together and a spew of pure energy was shot at Mew. The man wiped the drenched hair out of his face that was obscuring his vision and watched in horrified awe as Mewtwo focused all of his available energy in a massive Hyper Beam, focused directly on his counterpart.

Then, suddenly, it stopped. Mewtwo panted and huffed, trying to gain his energy back. He looked and Mew was no longer there. Mewtwo called out into the storm, victorious.

The man cried out, "No! You monster, you shall never get away with this! Someone will stop you!"

"Who? You? Haha! No mortal can stand up to me!" Mewtwo gloated, turning to glare at the man with his piercing purple eyes.

"Perhaps you should have been sure I was dead, brother." The familiar feminine voice of Mew said calmly from behind Mewtwo.

Mewtwo turned, his eyes were burning with the thought of her destruction and how she had survived. But it was too late for Mewtwo, for he began to pulsate with energy that was not his own. Mewtwo began to struggle and fight, but he couldn't muster any of the energy that he needed to fight his counterpart. Mewtwo was suddenly cast off into the mouth of a cave.

The man rushed across Cerulean City and stood in awe at the dazzling spectacle.

"I hereby imprison you with the very energy and rage that you hold so dearly! May you never return!" Mew commanded with another pulse of energy.

Suddenly, the cave was sealed with almost crystalline formations. The crystals then formed into the white stone and the cave was sealed with the very power inside of Mewtwo and Mew combined.

"You did it! You defeated him!" The man cheered with another lock of wet hair drooping into his face.

"Only temporarily, I'm afraid. If anyone were to breach these walls... It cannot happen." Mew's mouth did not move when speaking, but the man assumed that it was the same telepathy that Mewtwo was using earlier.

But it was the look of exasperation on Mew's face that made the man worry. He was sure that Mew must rest after the battle, but there would be no one to look after the cave. Mew glanced at him, and he knew what the Legendary Pokemon wanted.

"Your secret is safe with me." He said, standing up straighter.

Mew nodded and her face seemed to soften, then in an instant, Mew was gone. She had teleported away, leaving him to watch over the town. He hated Giovanni for making him recreate Mew in that horrific way. He felt the fire burning in his heart, and he knew deep down that Giovanni was not going to stop until he found Mewtwo again, and with it, it's creator; him.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge

Very good story. But there's few problems:

Mew's mouth did not move when speaking, but the man assumed that it was the same telepathy that Mewtwo was using earlier.

And plus, I think it feels a little too short, but oh well.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge

Lucky Fire said:
Very good story. But there's few problems:


And plus, I think it feels a little too short, but oh well.

Fixedified.

I am glad you like-a-da-story! I am open to suggestions, and I am glad that someone likes it! I am aware of the shortness, but rest assured the actual chapters will be longer.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge

Mmm, not bad. Don't worry about the word count minimum. It's mostly a formality to get people to write more in their fics so the forum doesn't get flooded with spammy, super-short, dead-end fics.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter 1 up!)

I wasn't sure about Red's name, but seeing as Ash is just too (Bad[terrible{overused}]) I have decided on Red instead of Ash. As you can see, Chapter 1 is quite a bit longer than the Prologue. ;)



Chapter I

A fifteen year old Red opened his brown eyes and saw a grey fog before him. He wouldn't be able to see his hand if he held it at arm's length through the featureless fog. He couldn't shake an odd feeling; it was like he was supposed to be in this place. Red looked left, then right in search of anything that even hinted at civilization. Nothing; not even a tree or blade of grass.

"Red." Red heard a calm, feminine voice from over his shoulder.

"Who's there?" Red commanded as he twirled around, red overcoat and ball cap loosening over the centrifugal force.

He didn't see anything that gave off a shape of someone -- or something -- but what he did see were two deep blue eyes. They glowed dimly in the fog, and no shape was prominent when they came closer, almost breaching the fog barrier which Red was seemingly encased in.

"No time to spare," The voice said with a small bit of pain present, "You must go to the place you call Celadon. Questions will be answered there, but beware-"

The voice let out an exasperated hiss of pain, the eyes seemed to squint as if one was wincing.

"Are you alright? How can I help?" Red asked urgently, trying to reach forward to catch this mystery if she fell.

"Don't worry about me," The voice sounded coy this time, "You have to get to Celadon. Ask for a man named Fuji. Tell him... Tell him the original sent you."

The original of what? This, and many more questions soared through the mind of Red as he tried to comprehend what was happening. He had to be dreaming... He had to be.

Suddenly, the eyes began to shimmer. They began to fade and draw back. Red tried to reach out with a will that was not entirely his own, and grab ahold of whomever this was. But as soon as he moved, he was cast backward until a loud crash echoed through his mind.

____________

A loud thundering rumble filled the ears of Red as he leaped up with a sharp gasp. He looked up to see dark clouds forming around the brightly lit moon. Red lifted his arm and looked at his watch. He couldn't read it due to the darkness of night. Looking over his left shoulder, he saw a familiar shape. It was like a salamander, but it was about two feet in height. Deep, navy blue eyes stared at him curiously as the flame at the tip of it's tail flickered, making the light orange of it's scales seem lighter.

"Sorry I woke you, Charmander. I couldn't sleep. Can you help me see the time?" Red said as he motioned toward his dark watch.

Charmander opened it's fanged mouth and let out a hiss of cooperation as it turned and lifted it's tail to Red's arm. Red knelt down and used the light from Charmander's flame to read his watch. He didn't like what he saw: 3:15 am. He stood up and rubbed Charmander's head as a thank-you. The Pokemon let out a satisfied growl, then followed Red as he strode out of beneath the tree he was sleeping under.

Red scratched the back of his head and let out an exasperated yawn. He remembered the dream he had. Or was it a dream...? Red couldn't tell, and he decided that he shouldn't worry too much about it. He had to get to Pewter City if he was ever going to challenge the Pokemon League at any point in his life.

He strode down the dirt path for a few minutes, taking the occasional look to Charmander, who was anxiously looking at the night sky, worried that the rain clouds were suddenly going to start to unleash their torrent of water on his head.

Red continued down the path until he stopped at a group of people who seemed to be blocking the road.

"Halt! In the righteous name of Team Rocket, I command you to identify yourself!" One of the men ordered with a hint of irritation and anger.

"I'm Red, this is Charmander. We're headed off to Pewter City." Red replied politely, but Charmander hissed as his tail glowed brighter.

"At this hour? You are beyond curfew!" The man stepped forward, crimson "R" prominent on his black attire.

"Curfew? What's that?" Red asked, a little cautious of those older than him.

Another man walked up and grabbed the former by the shoulder. The latter proceeded to jab his first digit in the other's face and, judging from the obviously frightened appearance of the former, the things being said were not polite.

"Terribly sorry. It seems that... Ah... There has been a mistake. You may proceed with a warning. Just... Just don't let me catch you out again after curfew." The man said as he and his men sidestepped out of the road and into the trees off to the left.

Red straightened his jacket out of nervousness. He looked down to Charmander, who was eying the bushes next to him a bit too hostile than necessary.

Red shrugged and walked forward, motioning for his Pokemon to follow him. It was all so odd. What is Team Rocket? What is a curfew? Why was the punishment to be so grievous? They're appearance and the odd dream he had couldn't be a coincidence, but then again, could they?

What exactly was in Celadon City?

Red felt an odd sensation come over him as he passed the area that the "Rockets" were in. Resentment. He couldn't feel as if he was despised and not wanted to be in that area. But it wasn't any matter to him, he didn't want to be there either!

Red walked forward with a hastier pace, just to leave that area. Up ahead on the road was a Guard Booth. Perhaps he could shed some light on these odd people. Charmander followed Red with zealous haste. He wanted to see the guard as much as Red, it seemed.

Red reached the Guard Booth, the light shining from the single bulb was a warming one, and that was a welcome feeling. He leaned toward the window and saw the Guard inside.

"Hello, Sir. There are these odd people over there and-" Red stopped short.

There was no response from the man. Red reached out his hand, shaking out of fear. He knew something was wrong, his curiosity was propelling him while fear was urging him to run as fast as he could in the opposite direction. To be home in a bed. To be safe.

He touched the Guard, who was seemingly relaxed in his chair facing away from Red, and with the slightest touch, the Guard fell from his chair and slumped onto the wall. Two swollen holes were prominent on the back of the Guard, as if a giant snake bit him. His face showed no sign of fear, as if he didn't know of his impending doom.

Red wanted to scream, but he just couldn't. He felt his throat tighten, he stumbled backward and onto the ground. His face grew pale and his hands grew numb as he gripped his knees, knuckles white.

Charmander stepped in front of him and gave him a stern look. It is odd how one can sometimes find the best of council in things that do not speak. Red looked into the navy blue eyes of Charmander and found strength. The Guard was dead, nothing was going to change that, but now he had to warn someone. He had to warn everyone about the odd men on the road, no doubt they were the ones who had caused this. He unleashed his grip on his knees, which were obviously going to show signs of the force that Red had gripped them, and stood. He never left the stare that he found strength in with Charmander. Red straightened his cap and began to jog off to Pewter City, Charmander right behind him.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

Sorry for not responding.

As far as new writers go, you're pretty good. The descriptions, grammar, everything. Don't let lack of feedback stop you. :)
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

Thank you very much for your kind words! I shall keep updating with new chapters shortly.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

I... wow.

Sorry for not posting. I've got my own fic to work on, so I understand what it's like not to receive alot of comments.
Really, my only problem was having a dead guard. I mean, sure, it wouldn't have much of an impact, but a simply unconscious guard would be just as disturbing. Throwing around death so early could get a bit old as you progress in the story.

Other than that, very nice job. I could be picky, but that would be a tad sour for a first time story here.

Happy Writing,
~Zyflair
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

Nice story, I like it, but I agree with Zyflair about the guards death.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

Thank you for your critiques! More sense will be made of the event with the guard in the next chapter.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

Taking a bit longer than I thought! Either way, I'll try to get it out soon!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

School has really been bogging my free time down lately. I hope to get it out next weekend, but no promises!

EDIT: Yes, next weekend will be when chapter II comes. In the wise words of Beast Wars Megatron, "Yesssssss...."
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

I followed through! I felt that it was worth noting that the total word count for this chapter is 2,280!

__________________


Chapter II

Red had lost count of the steps he had taken. Light was breaching the thick trees off to his left, so he could only guess that it was around six. Amazing how short time can be when so much excitement is afoot. Red looked back to Charmander and found that his companion had kept up with him well. The Pokemon panted as he tried to keep up, trying his best to keep pace with his partner.

Red felt his heart beating faster than it had before, faster than when he had first chosen Charmander as his companion. He felt sweat run down his cheek, a cooling drip upon his nose. Red’s legs wanted rest, his eyes needed sleep; but his mind and heart wanted one thing: Justice for that guard. He had to get to Pewter as fast as he could; there was no time for a break!

A low rumble came further ahead of him, so much that even the small pebbles on the dirt path trembled. He turned a corner, nearly skidding into a tree, and began to run down the path for he knew where it would take him. He remained ignorant of the loud and rumbling sound as he turned one last time to see his destination.

“Pewter!?” Red shrieked as he tried to stop, only ending up slipping and falling on his butt.

Charmander panted and stumbled forward and sat next to his partner, but he, too was shocked at what he saw. The entirety of Pewter was aflame and falling apart. Buildings buckled and collapsed in upon themselves, creating a dust cloud where they once stood. But this would have come as a lesser blow if a hulking mass of steel wasn’t suspended on spindly legs above the city. At the center of the three legs was a downward-pointed auger, drilling into where the Museum once was.

Red scanned the area for evidence of survivors, and soon found the area around the drill populated by small specks. These were no doubt people, though Red wasn’t certain, he was pretty sure that they were survivors of whatever happened to Pewter.

“Charmander,” Red addressed Charmander, and the Pokemon responded with a glare of irritation, “I know you’re tired, but we need to get down there. We need to see what we can do.”

The look on Charmander’s face was almost indescribable. It was mixed with agreement, pain, anger and loathe all into one expression. Charmander held his chin to his left and grunted out of indecision, but the silent pleadings of Red softened the look of Charmander, and he soon looked at Red and gave him a look of determination. This was his agreement to help.

After a short jog down the hill, Red and his Charmander soon entered the City Limits of Pewter City. Red looked around and saw the skeletons of buildings and burned parts to cars. Red felt his foot hit something. He looked down, soul hardening for what he was to see; Red saw the part of a young girl’s doll. It was scorched and dismembered; its glass eyes were shattered and the top of its head was caved in as if it had been dropped. Red wondered - no, he hoped the owner of the doll got out alive.

Red moved closer to the auger and the people surrounding it. He came casually, but urgently. He was about to call out, but he noticed their attire was all black. Worse yet, they all had a crimson “R” on their chests. Red clenched his fists as he knew that they were the ones responsible for all of the destruction.

Red stepped backwards and was making to leave the area when one of the Rockets noticed him.

“Hey, kid! Stop right there!” The man barked as he jabbed his first digit at Red, who slowly began to back away.

Red’s pace quickened as he began to turn to flee.

Finding his previous order falling on deaf ears, the man turned out of Red’s view ordered, “Get him, Onix!”

A low rumbling and a roar came from that area. Red’s pace was now at an all-time high, and so was Charmander’s. A loud crash came from behind them; Red looked back to see what the cause was, but found only splinters of burning wood shooting from a now wrecked house. Out of the flaming wreckage came a beast unlike Red had ever seen: A snake made completely of stone. Large boulders made up segments in its body that made it enormous, topping out at about twenty-eight feet long from the front of the fin on its head to the tip of its tail.

“We need to run a bit faster,” Red said to Charmander, trying his best to run faster, “And whatever you do, do not look back!”

Red wasn’t sure if Charmander just liked to spite him, or if his curiosity led him to do these things, but in ignorance of what Red had just previously said, Charmander did look back at the Onix and was immediately quickening his pace to the best of his ability.

The two turned a corner as Onix sped past them, trying to tackle them, but instead smashing a building with a roar. Red continued down the street where he had turned with Charmander fast behind him. He began to think about anything they could do to lose this Pokemon. Finding no answers in his surroundings, Red looked at Charmander and quickly thought of an idea that might help them.

“Charmander, use your Smokescreen!” Red yelled as the Onix was fast upon them, glaring at them from behind.

Onix whipped its tail and in an instant destroyed a building next to Red and Charmander, who was now taking a breath in. Suddenly, Charmander released an inky-black smoke from his mouth with a wheeze, leaving a growing cloud of Smoke in their wake.

“Come with me if you have any desire to live.” Red heard a female voice from his left, and he felt a hand grab his upper-arm.

Onix roared out of frustration at the smoke and charged ahead, but his vicious tackle met nothing but air as Red was no longer there. The Onix looked about him dimly, wondering how Red had managed this magic trick. Red and Charmander had disappeared to the Onix, and he had no clue how.

“That won’t fool him for long.” The voice said, its source for now unseen to Red.

“Wh-“ Red choked at the residual smoke, “Who are you?”

Red stood from his lying position to see a young woman, at least fifteen, bolting the door shut. She turned so Red could see her better: Her dark denim pants and jacket were covering a good majority of her hot-pink t-shirt, though some of it was turned a dark brown due to the dust of the destruction. The knees of her jeans were worn due to excessive use; her jacket had a ripped pocket as well. Resting on her right shoulder was the strap to a messenger bag, which lay lazily by her left hip. But what made her abnormal to Red was her peach-pink hair, which was shortly cut, coming to about the middle of her ear. Her pink hair was contrasted slightly by her sapphire-blue eyes.

“I’m Emma, and that is an Onix. We need to go now.” She spoke briskly, moving around the room as she plucked items off shelves and quickly stuffed them into her bag.

Red stood up and looked around the room; apparently they were in a Pokemon Specialty Store. Pokemon accessories (Red shuddered at the thought. Dressing your Pokemon? Ick.) littered racks off to his left, while battle items were neatly shelved on his right.

“Hey, heads up!” Emma said from across the room.

Red looked up just in time to have himself hit in the face with a disk of some kind. His arms flailed in a futile strategy of trying to grasp whatever this object was. Finally, he pressed his right hand against his chest and caught the object. It felt delicate and fragile; it was unknown to Red why Emma would throw something like this.

“What is it?” Red asked, looking at the polished surface of the brown disk.

“It’s a-“ Emma was cut short by a loud roar and crashing, the Onix had caught their scent again, “Give it to your Pokemon and press the button! It’ll teach him-”

Emma was cut off again when the entire wall shook. Spackle and paint flew from the walls, but amazingly, it did not give way to the sheer force of Onix. Red quickly pressed the button on the edge of the disk as and gave it to Charmander, who began to, oddly, stare at the disk.

“That thing should be through that wall by now! It can crush buildings with its tail!” Red cried as he nervously watched the wall.

“It’s, uh, reinforced.” Emma stated as she moved behind the clerk’s desk and crouched to take cover.

Red looked back to Charmander to see that the Pokemon had not moved ever since he had began to stare at the disk. Images flashed on the disk of different kinds of martial arts and fighting styles, but Charmander seemed to be paused. His pupils were dilated and his eyes were in a fierce stare at the disk.

Suddenly, Onix’s nose busted through the wall then retracted back out. Red gazed into the hole which was made by the Pokemon, only to see that Onix’s glassy eyes were glaring back at him. Red felt his throat tighten as the Onix roared and pulled backward, ready to strike. Like a rattler would a mouse, Onix struck the building and the wall finally gave way. A large gaping hole was where the wall once was, and oddly enough, it was thin on the inside. Red didn’t care, though, and he flinched as the Onix began to raise his head to strike Red.

“Any time now, Charmander…” Red said, seeing that Charmander was still unresponsive.

The Onix began its strike at Red, just as Charmander opened his eyes and shattered the disk. Red could feel the hot breath of the Onix on his neck as Onix’s jaws opened to swallow Red. But Charmander launched himself at Onix and readied his fist. Charmander struck down upon Onix’s great head and pounded it to the ground in one punch. Onix howled in pain as the rock on the side of his face was shattered, then, the Onix fell unconscious. Red stood at the opening of Onix’s mouth pale and astonished at Charmander’s sudden strength.

“What…?” Was the only word that Red could muster to summarize what just happened.

“That was Rock Smash. Fitting to finish an Onix, don’t you think?” Emma said from behind the desk as she stood up and walked next to Red.

Red couldn’t wipe the grin from his face as he held out his hand to Charmander in a “High-Five” manner. Charmander simply looked at Red and crossed his arms. He was expecting more praise from someone who's life he had just saved.

“Thank you, Charmander, I owe you one!” Red said as he rubbed Charmander’s scaly head.

Emma nudged him on the shoulder, “We need to go.”

Unwilling to argue with someone who arguably saved his life, Red complied. Charmander followed behind them after a kick on Onix’s snout. They quickly exited the Mart and kept to its walls, safely hiding themselves from the Rockets on the other side of the building.

Slowly, they made their way out of Pewter and out of view of the Rockets undetected. The three, out of the City Limits, decided to rest at a tree overlooking what was left of Pewter. Charmander looked twitchy and unwilling; as if he thought that they were not alone. Red and Emma did not heed Charmander’s warnings, however, and sat down and decided to have a quick breakfast.

Emma reached in her bag, pulled out a nutrition bar and tossed it to Red.

“What’s this?” Red asked, staring at the silver packaging.

“It is called breakfast,” Emma replied, pulling out her own, “And you should be thankful… Eh, what is your name?”

“Everyone calls me ‘Red’ where I come from.” Red said, pulling the stubborn packaging with his teeth.

“’Red’, huh? That’s… An imaginative name.” Emma said sarcastically as she took a bite out of her own bar.

“I’m going to ignore the sarcasm and take that as a compliment.” Red said, biting large chunks off his bar.

“So where were you headed? Are you from Pewter?” Emma asked as she finished her bar.

“I was originally headed to Pewter to challenge the Gym, but I have to get to Celedon to talk to someone.” Red said, crumbling the empty silver packaging of his nutrition bar.

“That someone doesn’t happen to be named ‘Fuji’, does he?” Emma asked, closing her bag.

“Yeah,” Red said, a little suspicious, “How’d you know?”

“Because this… Thing came to me in a dream and told me to go to Celedon and talk to a man named Fuji.” Emma said as she stood up.

Charmander munched down on a berry he found on the tree and stared at Emma with loathe. He didn’t want to start walking again.

“Then I guess we were both sent there. Maybe we could travel together if we are headed to the same place.” Red suggested as he, too, stood up.

Emma gave him a wry smile and began to walk down the path, but not before turning to Red with a coy grin, “Try to keep up.”
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter I up!)

Absolutely amazing. The description and actions... all is perfect. You have the makings of a great author, Kecleon-X. I am sure that this is one of the most greatly written materials on the Internet. Keep up the effort, regardless of what anybody says or thinks.

I want you to continue writing. Never give up.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

Lucky Fire said:
Absolutely amazing. The description and actions... all is perfect. You have the makings of a great author, Kecleon-X. I am sure that this is one of the most greatly written materials on the Internet. Keep up the effort, regardless of what anybody says or thinks.

I want you to continue writing. Never give up.

The overwhelming joy I feel from reading this post makes me at a loss of words to thank you with. All I can say and do is thank you so much for your kind words. :' )
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

Let's have a quick sweep of S/G before I get into the review.
Amazing, how short time can be when so much excitement is afoot.
Extra comma there. Best you remove it.
The entirety of Pewter was aflame and falling in upon itself. Buildings buckled and collapsed in upon themselves, creating a dust cloud where they once stood.
Repitition that doesn't seem to serve alot of purpose.
Boulders made several segments in its body that made it enormous; topping out at about twenty-eight feet long from the front of the fin on its head to the tip of its tail.
The section left to the semicolon is worded strangely. The semicolon should be a comma.

Solid content as usual. I do find a few minor inaccuarcies that slightly bothered me, however. Probably the oddest of them I noticed was that Red wanted revenge for the guard's death. Normal circumstances makes this a ridiculously unlikely story, as Red doesn't even know the guard personally. This idealistic personality clashes with Charmander's innate self-centeredness, as we're stuck more or less feeling sorry for Red's Pokemon and doubt on the protagonist. When you see a mess like this as a beginning trainer, you do not go face on it all; you go back to find aid. At least, that's what I would have assumed when you're clearly aiming for a realistic spin on the Pokemon world.

The Deus Ex Machina of Emma just showing up was a let down, but you already threw Red into a situation too difficult for him in the first place, so it was mostly damage control from there. Sorry if I sound overly negative; I just felt that your fic's theme and the events don't exactly line up.

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

Thank you for noticing those punctuation and grammatical errors! Fixed.

Zyflair said:
Solid content as usual. I do find a few minor inaccuarcies that slightly bothered me, however. Probably the oddest of them I noticed was that Red wanted revenge for the guard's death. Normal circumstances makes this a ridiculously unlikely story, as Red doesn't even know the guard personally. This idealistic personality clashes with Charmander's innate self-centeredness, as we're stuck more or less feeling sorry for Red's Pokemon and doubt on the protagonist. When you see a mess like this as a beginning trainer, you do not go face on it all; you go back to find aid. At least, that's what I would have assumed when you're clearly aiming for a realistic spin on the Pokemon world.

He did not want revenge -- unless I wrote one thing that meant something else -- but he wanted justice. If you were of the noble kind and you found someone's dead body, would you not find yourself wrapped up in it? Even so, if it is obviously more than a day's journey by foot to the next town, wouldn't help be too far away?

On the note of Charmander and Red's different points of view. Sometimes complete opposites make the best teams. There always needs to be a counter-weight to balance things out, if you understand my metaphor (I am terrible at them).

Zyflair said:
The Deus Ex Machina of Emma just showing up was a let down, but you already threw Red into a situation too difficult for him in the first place, so it was mostly damage control from there. Sorry if I sound overly negative; I just felt that your fic's theme and the events don't exactly line up.

This was Emma's planned entrance. I, personally, like the "In the nick of time" entrances. Just look at a good majority of Doctor Who episodes.

Everyone's a critic! :p Joking aside, don't worry about the criticism, I love receiving critiques from readers!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

Bump.

I don't think that the next chapter will not be as action-packed as the last two, from how things are looking.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

Your writing is wonderful. You should totally keep writing.
I love your story.

Kecleon-X said:
“Pewter!?” Red shrieked as he tried to stop, only winding up slipping and falling on his butt.

I did however notice this. It might just be me, but it didn't make much sense.
Maybe try and find a new word for winding or something like that.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter II up!)

pikhu2000 said:
Your writing is wonderful. You should totally keep writing.
I love your story.


I did however notice this. It might just be me, but it didn't make much sense.
Maybe try and find a new word for winding or something like that.

Thank you so much for he feedback! I am overwhelmed by the positive feedback, thank you, all of you.

Made the change. lol, informal me! :p
 
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