Writing Mewtwo's Revenge (Update: Chapter 9)

RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter IV up!)

Noticed an improvement to your descriptive writing, as well as the utilization of dialogue. I could picture the scenes and events with more clarity than before and I found myself able to relate to the characters at a deeper level. Definitely one of your best works lately.

I expect the next chapter to be up soon. Until then, good luck!

Ciao.

- Articuno
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter IV up!)

Thank you so much!! :D

Yeah, this close to Christmas is really hard because of all of the stuff that needs to be done around the house, but I think I can get one out before Christmas.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter IV up!)

The next chapter is almost done; it pains me to say this, but I will most likely not be able to post the next chapter this year.

Ha. Get it? Because it is... Ah, you get it. Happy New Years!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter IV up!)

Wordcount for this chapter is 2,173! A bit shorter than my other chapters, but hey!

Chapter V

A hollow whistle emanated from the creature that had just attacked Red. The bone beneath his chin twisted around as the creature stepped off the young Trainer's body. This gave him an opportunity to see who, or what, his attacker was.

This creature was a small, brown, almost dinosaur-like being. Its stomach was a lighter brown, and there was a spike at the end of its tail. But the one thing that was most interesting about this creature, and probably the most disturbing, was the fact that it was wearing a skull of another Pokémon. Its eyes were glaring at him through the skull's eye sockets.

Finding an opportunity whilst this creature was walking to the right of him, Red knocked the dirt-coated bone to the right of his neck, giving him room to use his other hand to push the Pokémon down. Scrambling to his feet, Red struck an intimidating pose with an attempt to scare off this small Pokémon.

"Red! That is a Cubone!" Emma said, placing her hands on her hips and glaring at Red.

"Great! What's a Cubone?!" Red said, irritated. He found it difficult to understand how Emma could be so cool under such circumstances.

"It's literally called 'The Lonely Pokémon'. Ever wonder what Pokémon's skull its wearing? That's its dead mother! Look, Red," Emma walked to the Cubone and took it in her arms, "See? Harmless!"

Red leaned forward with a look of disbelief.

"Harmless? That Pokémon tried to kill me!" the trainer said looking at Emma, then to the Cubone, with shock.

The pink-haired girl looked down at the Pokémon, who was looking at her with tears in its eyes. It handed her its bone with a whistle through the hollow nasal cavities of the skull. Blowing some of the dust off the bone, Emma squinted for a moment, then looked at Red.

"Red... This Pokémon isn't a wild Pokémon. Look at this," Emma said, stepping forward and handing Red the bone.

Wiping more dirt off the bone, Red felt a rough surface in a familiar pattern. Looking down at the bone, he noticed inscriptions on it. It read as follows: "PTOWER. FUJI. HELP." Taking a sharp breath in, Red looked at Emma. Could this be the same Fuji that they were looking for? If so, what was he doing in a "Ptower"? Why was he sending for help?

Ptower... P-Tower? P... Hm. The only tower in Kanto that starts with a "P" is- Red thought until he said aloud.

"Pokémon Tower! Dr. Fuji is in Pokémon Tower and he needs help!" Red snapped his fingers with a grin at Emma and proudly began to march forward.

"... You do know what Pokemon Tower is, don't you?" Emma followed him, placing the Cubone back unto the ground, who promptly snatched its bone from Red's hand.

"Not entirely," Red replied, not even braking pace.

"It's a graveyard," was the blunt answer from his companion.

It was then when his march came to a halt. He turned around, held his stomach in a hunched position and groaned in a pain-filled tone.

"Ow! Ow! My stomach! It must have been that energy bar you gave me...! I-I can't go on..." Red's pained voice and face faltered.

Emma smirked with a chuckle. She stared into him with her piercing blue eyes, amused.

"Are you sure you can't go on?" Emma asked with a flirtatious tone.

Red stopped groaning immediately, looked down at his stomach and then back at his companion.

"Uh... I think I might be able to manage," the trainer replied, blushing.

She smiled and placed Cubone next to him, who snatched the bone out of Red's hand. Then, Emma moved forward on the path, taking the occasional opportunity to glance behind her at Red, who was now quickly following her with Magikarp under his arm. There would be a time for the important questions, but Red decided not to ruin the moment.

The two of them walked until the sun began to sink beneath the peak of Mount Moon. Again the shadowy claws of the mountain seemed to grasp at the two of them. The two of them walked a bit further until a horrible growl reverberated from Red's stomach. A startled Magikarp tried to flop away from the growling form next to it, but was to no avail due to the arm holding it in place.

"Hungry?" Emma asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Can you blame me? I did skip lunch, you know," the trainer replied, famished.

"It's getting late anyway," she responded as she stopped walking forward, "Let's make camp for the night."

Red couldn't agree more. He looked about him for a nice spot to lay for the night. First a cluster of bushes, then a small tree in the road that was seemingly placed there for inconvenience, but then he saw a cluster of trees in a horseshoe pattern. Perfect.

Taking a seat on the grassy ground, he crossed his legs and laid Magikarp onto the ground. Then, he dispensed Charmeleon's Pokeball from his pocket and pressed the button on the front, releasing a beam of plasma, and with it, Charmeleon.

"Charmeleon, you'll take the first watch," Red said as he sat down, feeling relief course through his legs.

The two of them proceeded to lay down across from each other in the heat of the flame at the end of Charmeleon's tail. After all, why would one need a camp fire if you have Charmeleon? Happy with his reasoning, Red closed his weary eyes and almost instantly fell into a deep sleep.

It felt like Red had just closed his eyes when a harsh heat woke him. A tired and rather irritated Charmeleon had just held his tail to Red's face in order to wake him. Feeling the side of his face to see if sprouting facial hair wasn't the only thing he was missing, Red stood up, groggy, and motioned for Charmeleon to sleep where he had lain previously.

Standing up, Red moved to a tree at the opening of their camp and sat by it, light-headed. The dark was thick around them. The light from the bustling city that was Cerulean was missing due to the fact that Ditto actually prefer the dark and haven't turned the street-lights on. The normal moonlight was also missing along with the stars. Red assumed that it was merely cloudy and thus blocking the view of the sky.

It felt like hours dragged on. Whenever the trainer felt like he was going to fall asleep, he busied himself with playing small mind games or imagining something to keep his focus from tiredness. Subconsciously, he found his gaze drawing itself to Emma, who lay in a bent position, Cubone by her side who were both snoring loudly.

Suddenly, Cubone had adjusted itself in a manner that his bone knocked over Emma's bag, spilling the contents over the ground. Not wanting to wake them, Red sighed and moved to the bag and began to put the contents back inside the bag. Medical supplies and food were the first to be placed in, but something caught Red's eye.

It was a plastic card like a driver's license, but attached to a crimson ribbon as if to be worn from the neck. Taking interest in it, Red moved it to the flame of Charmeleon's tail for light. Red took a sharp breath in horror; it was a Team Rocket badge, and on it was a picture of Emma with her name beneath it, scratched so her first name could only be seen.

Red couldn't believe it. He didn't want to, but the evidence was right before him in all of its impossibility. Rage began to build inside of him. How long was she going to keep this from him? She was a spy all along? Turning to Emma's sleeping figure, Red moved to the tree next to her. Anger and the feeling of betrayal would keep him awake more than any caffeine, so he waited there for hours, card clenched tightly in his hands and ready for answers.

*****

The whole world was about to become his, and he just sat there, smoking a pipe. The large, brown leather chair was comfortable, and it was the best money could buy. The imported tobacco was smoking slowly from the end of the amber-tipped pipe. It would have been better if the bite-marks in the amber end of his pipe weren't filled with metal, for it left a certain metallic taste in his mouth every once in a while.

The window in front of him spanned the entire back wall, which was what the chair was facing. The view was grand. Trees below his tower were waving about like grass, the ocean looked as if a lake and the people below him looked like ants, scrambling about their business. The man in the chair puffed on his pipe thoughtfully at the notion of others as ants.

A knock came from his door.

"Sir, you asked for me?" came a muffled British man's voice from the opposite end of the door.

"Come," he replied with his light Italian accent.

The man came in through the large double doors behind him quietly. Only the minor creak of the floor was heard when he slowly made his way from the doors to the front of the desk. Once these sounds stopped, the large chair turned.

The light from the windows behind the chair were engulfing any feature of its occupant. Only the dim glow of his pipe was seen.

"Any news, my friend?" his voice was as cool as ice.

"Y-yes," the man's skin flushed of all color, "We... Haven't found it yet. It wasn't in Pewter."

"I thought you said that there was a large spike on the equipment," the shadowy figure responded, colder than ever.

Looking as if he was going to choke on the air around him, the man gulped and strained his muscles.

"T-there was... We'll find it next time, sir," the man said, brown eyes darting to the exit and back to the shadowy figure.

"'Next time', doctor? I think we have a misunderstanding," with this, the man stood up from his seat and stepped over to the table to the left and to the collection of whiskeys and brandies in ornate bottles.

Uncorking a glass bottle concealing a golden liquid, the man, still encased with shadow, held the neck of the bottle to his nose and took a long whiff of the sweet aroma.

"I've been saving this one. My grandfather made this as part of a project fifty semod years ago. I've been waiting for the occasion to taste it," the shadowy man said as he began to pour it into two ice filled cups.

"W-what's the occasion?" the nervous man asked, taking a step back.

Carrying the drinks forward, the shadowy man held one out. The nervous man tried to take the glass.

"No no no! this isn't for you, it is for him," the shadowy man said, stopping the nervous one's reach for the glass cold.

Doing an about face, the man jumped aside, startled by the large man standing behind him.

"This is my cousin, Geoff. He is quite the scientist, you see, and he has taken a look at your research. He tells me that you have calibrated it wrongly; that you have made major errors in calculations! My goodness, I am disappointed!" the shadowy man handed the larger man the glass, and the large one took a swig.

"I'm sorry! I-it won't happen-" the man began, pleading with the shadowy man not to punish him.

"It won't happen again? Right. I'm sorry to say, doctor, but you are fired. My cousin will be taking over for you," the shadowy man said with a snap of his fingers.

Suddenly, out from a hole in the wall, a large purple snake quickly slithered through across the room and coiled around the now screaming man. He fell to the ground and was slowly being pulled backwards into the hole, being struck at by the giant snake on the head. Soon, he was pulled into the hole, and the screaming stopped.

"Poor thing. Bones always make it vomit..." the shadowy man said with pity on the snake, taking a swig of his own glass.

The shadowy man held his glass up to the other man in a show of a toast.

"A toast to your new position, Geoff," the shadowy man said through a devilish grin.

Geoff replied shortly thereafter, "Cheers, Giovanni."
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Overall, an excellent chapter as usual, I enjoyed it. But when I read through it, there is something that should be taken note of. The pacing. I have found that towards the ending of the chapter, things seemed to have moved forward in somewhat of a rush. Perhaps, if you read through it again slowly and examine it a deeper level, you will know.

Other than that, here are the rest:

"Great! What's a Cubone?!" Red said, irritated; he found it difficult to understand how Emma could be so cool under such circumstances.
Right here, it is better to replace the semi-colon with a period. If you read it aloud, the way the sentence flows when the semi-colon is present will sound downright awkward as much as it is when seeing it in written form.

"Not entirely." Red replied, not even braking pace.

"It's a graveyard." Was the blunt answer from his companion.
"Uh... I think I might be able to manage." The trainer replied, blushing.
"Can you blame me? I did skip lunch, you know." The trainer replied, famished.

Replace the periods at the end of each dialogue with a comma. The same mistake has been done with so many dialogues in the chapter that I can't compile it all into this post. Read through it again and if you find those errors I've pointed out, fix those and everything else should look great. =]

"Sir, you asked for me?" Came a muffled British man's voice from the opposite end of the door.

'Came' should not be capitalized. If you start a new paragraph with a dialogue, all of the letters after that should be in non-capitalized, excluding proper nouns, events, day of the week, and the name of the month.


With all that aside, I look forward to the next installment!

- Articuno
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Articuno said:
Overall, an excellent chapter as usual, I enjoyed it. But when I read through it, there is something that should be taken note of. The pacing. I have found that towards the ending of the chapter, things seemed to have moved forward in somewhat of a rush. Perhaps, if you read through it again slowly and examine it a deeper level, you will know.

Yeah, I know about the pacing. That sometimes slips when I take a break from writing in the middle of a chapter.

Thanks for the critiques! I've made the changes you've mentioned, as well. One thing that I really love hearing is when someones says that they enjoyed something that I wrote. I can't tell you how joyous that makes me feel.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Kecleon-X said:
One thing that I really love hearing is when someones says that they enjoyed something that I wrote. I can't tell you how joyous that makes me feel.

I couldn't agree with you more. Especially if you are just starting to write fan-fics on Pokebeach like me.

But, one thing I didn't quite agree about in this chapter was the death of that man. I understand that Giovanni is cruel, and most great books tend to have a death or two. I should know, I've written about deaths in previous books of mine, but personally, I'm not a big fan of graphic deaths. But other than that, I loved it. I did notice a few things that needed to be slightly changed, but I stink at critiquing. Keep being awesome!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Oh, wonderful chapter you have there, as always! But as Articuno said, you don't always need to capitalize the first word after the dialogue.

"W-what's the occasion?" The nervous man asked, taking a step back.

See the bolded 'the' in the sentence? It has the capital T right after the dialogue, which is a common mistake among new writers. It should be a small t instead.

I hope to see your next chapter! - Luckyfire
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Huh. I thought I fixed those... Edited.

Thanks for the feedback!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

I like the way it looks. I know as much as the next guy on the plot and other content so I cannot make anything other than speculation, but I believe that it will be one of the most innovative of Pokemon games. The simple 3D in the game will be innovative, but I cannot help but to be a bit apprehensive about it because of just how much innovation will be in it. Too much of anything can be bad.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Kecleon-X said:
I like the way it looks. I know as much as the next guy on the plot and other content so I cannot make anything other than speculation, but I believe that it will be one of the most innovative of Pokemon games. The simple 3D in the game will be innovative, but I cannot help but to be a bit apprehensive about it because of just how much innovation will be in it. Too much of anything can be bad.

Too true. Too true.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Writing a new chapter now. Hopefully I will be able to get it out by today or sometime else this week.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Wordcount is 1,522! Much shorter than my past chapters, but hey, nothing happens on Route 9 and 10 other than a Pokemon Center. And a buttload of Trainers. I mean, it isn't like they can get to the Power Plant. #teenagerswhocan'tswim

_____

Chapter VI

The figure was suspended in midair, glowed a fine purple energy. Even though the being glowed, the room was blacker than a night with no moon or stars. To any onlookers, this gave this being the look of being suspended in nothingness. If there were any onlookers, that is.

You put your faith in these mortals. You believe that they will be able to stop me. I should be insulted. the being spat at the other being it was in conversation with, though it was unseen.

There was a hollow, yet amused chuckle in response.

Your mistakes are glaring. You not only underestimate me and my faith, but you underestimate an entire race of beings. Never underestimate me, but most of all, the feminine voice spoke as if through a smile, Do not underestimate him.

The floating being scowled.

*****

Even though Red was furious, he was careful not to clench his fists. He didn't want to destroy the only evidence of Emma's betrayal. He furrowed his brow and clenched his teeth, ready for whatever Emma may say or do in retaliation.

Over the loud snoring of Charmeleon, Red could hear several bird Pokemon chirping as they bathed themselves in the morning sun. She would wake up soon, and because of this the Pokemon Trainer quivered in anticipation and anger.

He looked back at the keycard, trying to make any sense that could be made out of the situation. Unfortunately, he couldn't get past the name. It would have had to of been planted beneath the protective film above it, so there was no mistaking or falsifying it. Emma was a Rocket.

Suddenly, Emma's eyes opened, and at the sight of Red sitting by her, she smiled.

"Good morning," she said with a small stretch of her arms, "What's up?"

Finding this the perfect opportunity for his rant, Red stood up with a huff of anger.

"Your bag was knocked over last night. I did the right thing and packed everything back into it. You know about doing the right thing, don't you, Emma? Why don't you try it out and tell me what this was doing in your bag!" Red snarled as he dropped the keycard on his companion's chest.

Emma didn't look startled, in fact she looked saddened. Standing up, Emma grabbed ahold of the crimson ribbon at the end of the card and clenched it in her hand. She looked at Red for a moment, then sighed, looking down.

"I suppose it's no use keeping this back any longer," Emma said, tears welling up in her sapphire-blue eyes, "I... I used to be a part of Team Rocket. Their leader, Giovanni, told me that it was the best for the world and her inhabitants. He seemed to care about life, not death. I joined for that reason. I... I was wrong. He tricked me."

Red wasn't sure what to believe, but right now he didn't want to leave any stone unturned, "Then why did you leave?"

"Why do you think, Red!? Giovanni became a cold-blooded, mass murderer! You think that I would stay in the company of a psychotic, egotistical madman!?" Emma's head jerked up, causing briny tears to fly from her face.

Needless to say, Red felt guilty. He didn't mean to cause this to happen.

"Emma... I'm sorry, I didn't want this, I just wanted the tru-" the crimson-clad trainer tried to place his hand on his companion's shoulder in an effort to comfort her.

Shrugging the hand off her shoulder harshly, Emma turned and stormed off down the path, sobbing out the words, "Congratulations, Red, you found it!"

Red stood there, pale. He couldn't believe what he had done. He had destroyed the most meaningful friendship he had.

Suddenly, a tug at his jeans caught the trainer's attention. It was Charmeleon. He had awoken during the argument and had watched it from afar. Not making a noise, Charmeleon gave Red a sarcastic, "Real smooth" look, then motioned towards the heartbroken form of Emma, who was now making her way down the path without them. Charmeleon gave Red a small growl and then walked over to the Cubone, who was whistling softly in it's skull.

Charmeleon didn't have to speak to get his point across; he wanted Red to go after Emma. Point taken, Red jogged forward, trying to catch up with Emma.

"Emma, wait! I'm sorry!" Red cried, reaching out and grabbing her shoulder.

"Sorry!? You just told me that you think that I work in the company of killers! How am I supposed to feel?" Emma said, turning around to Red with tears streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way, Emma. I was looking for an enemy in a place where none resided. In the end, I jumped to a conclusion and ended up hurting someone I care about very much. I don't expect you to forgive me, or continue traveling with me, but I would certainly like you to." Red looked into her eyes with his own, hoping to find forgiveness.

Emma suddenly lurched forward and clasped her hands around Red's torso, resting her head on his shoulder while whispering into his ear, "I forgive you."

Charmeleon and Cubone were at a tree behind Red and Emma, watching them embrace. The orange lizard crossed his arms and legs, leaning against the tree whilst smirking at the scene. Cubone was sitting in the shade in tears again. Charmeleon thwacked Cubone on the back of it's head with his tail in an effort to get its mind off things. Cubone promptly pushed Charmeleon off the tree with its bone without looking.

Red and Emma parted from each other's arms to look at bickering Pokemon.

"C'mon, guys, stop bickering, we have a doctor to save!" Red said, only to be met with a glaring look from Charmeleon that read "Look who's talking".

"Uh... Red?" Emma's voice came from behind him.

Turning to the voice's source, Red saw Emma, who now had a tinge of yellow due to the morning sun. Walking up to her, Red noticed the mouth of a large tunnel, emitting a very hollow whistle as if it were breathing. In the darkness of the cave, Red saw movement on the ceiling. He hated the movement on the ceiling.

"I hate those things." Red said, mood soured by these Pokemon.

A grumble by his side revealed that Charmeleon, too, hated Zubat. Cubone was hiding behind Emma's leg, revealing an equal hatred for the annoying bat Pokemon.

"Well then. It seems you haven't gone swimming." Emma replied to the griping by Red.

"Man, I wish we could have picked up some Repels..." Red grumbled lowly as he followed Emma closely, Charmeleon and Cubone following suit.

*****

"All I want to know is where she is." Giovanni said, toying with a Newton's Cradle on his desk.

"She is entering Rock Tunnel as we speak, sir." the man he had summoned replied calmly.

The man wore the signature black attire and crimson "R" on his chest. He had been put in charge of espionage, and was doing an admirable job. He had been very careful of how he acted around the office, and he was ruthless in battle. Very promising.

"Good. Do we have spies in there?" Giovanni asked, releasing two out of the five balls on his Newton's Cradle, letting the metronomic rhythm soothe him.

"Yes sir." was the reply.

A smile encroached upon the face of Giovanni, though the rest of it was not seen, the pearly white teeth reflected what light that was in the room. Giovanni had to hand it to this man, he calm and respectful. A model employee at the least.

"Excellent. Alert them to the situation." Team Rocket's leader replied, relaxing back in his comfortable chair.

As the man was exiting, another, much larger figure entered. His heavy footfalls did not echo, for the room was sealed tight so conversations could not be heard, among other things. The man was Geoff, and he had some very exciting news for his cousin.

With an exited breath in, Geoff said with prestige, "Giovanni, I have found it."

A hand came from the shadows of the chair and grabbed ahold of the Newton's Cradle. Things were going so well for Giovanni. He stood up and walked toward his cousin.

"Are you sure?" Giovanni asked, not forgetting the old scientist he put in charge of this project.

It was a shame, too. The snake had vomited badly. Quite the mess, quite the mess indeed. Took an entire day to get the smell out of the carpet, as well. He even had to feed his snake another bird Pokemon. Those are the only Pokemon with bones that didn't make it vomit... Something he kept in mind often.

But Giovanni's thoughts digressed from the matter at hand.

"Absolutely positive. Less than one millionth of a percent error margin." Geoff replied, grinning.

Reaching up with his hand in front of the two of them in a friendly camaraderie gesture, Giovanni replied, "Well, shall we begin?"
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter V up!)

Heh, I like the scenes in this one. I dunno why it had to end so quickly with a cliffhanger, though. :p
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter VI up!)

Dun, dun, dun..... Interesting ending and I liked the revelation of Emma. But as for the cliffhanger, I thought it was interesting. It seems, to me at least, that it is rushing the storyline a little bit. I didn't think much of it, so don't worry too much about it.
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter VI up!)

Thank you, both of you. I have some larger plans for Rock Tunnel, so I didn't add it in.

EDIT: Oh, and I loooove cliffhangers. :p
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter VI up!)

Wow!! This story is coming along quite nicely. Personally, I think the development of the story can be a little fast at times, and mentioned before, the description of the characters can almost get to...focused? But you have shown Pokémon and literature can go great together, as we readers saw in this wonderful work. I can also tell that you took these comments to heart, designing a great new way to create a more fluent peice of art through each chapter. The flow of the plot getting better and better! I love this work, and you know what? Reading this story inspired me to try my hand at writing again.This work deserve a high praise, and you should never get discouraged for the lack of comments. I wish there were more writers with your creative writing style. Fantasic! This is great, and don't give up on it! Take your time, create a wonderful book! :D

~Suitcune Now Rally

P.S~Amazing work Kecleon-X!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter VI up!)

Thank you so much! Hearing you say that makes me so happy... It is truly amazing! I never thought that I would get so much positive feedback, let alone find out that I inspired someone! You are all so fantastic; it warms my heart to read such amazing feedback!
 
RE: Mewtwo's Revenge (Chapter VI up!)

I'm so psyched about Mewtwo being in the new Genesect Movie. If all seems to go well, I suppose this will be one of the few new Pokemon movies I want to watch! Hopefully he won't get his butt handed to him.

Unlike this fanfiction.

Speaking of, I will be composing the new chapter shortly... I just need to figure out a few things, first.
 
Back
Top