Writing Mysteries of the Mind - A Trainer's Vision... The Revamp

Mmm. You're right, that idea IS rather key. Should I have tried to break it in a little gentler then? Like, brought the Eevee in, then got Calum to ask what it was and such? Idk if that would've helped, but it might've softened the blow at least.

A fully cliché trainer story isn't my style anyhow - too boring ;P

I'll give a fuller consideration to the caps vs italicising thing as I progress then, although I might just leave it as is unless it becomes a real issue (which it shouldn't; it's not that common that I use it).

Thanks in general for the advice here; it's been a looooong time since I've been taught any english of any kind, so a lot of things are forgotten to me now. One such thing especially is speech - I'm surprised in a sense that I actually have that almost entirely right given that it was never something that was particularly encouraged in the short stories we wrote in classes (imagery was much more highly rated), so I'd all but forgotten most of how speech even worked.

Keep up the comments people :D. The more I know people are reading this, the more likely I am to try and finish chapters off :p
 
Gentler is a good idea. Think of the story like a trip down the road in a car with horrible shocks; the less bumps, the better.
 
Aww man, neglect :(

I haven't had the time to complete chapter 3's revamp yet. I've had an essay to do all this week, as well as a presentation to do for next week (which had to be worked on for today) and a report on the same subject... as well as me starting an LP series. Busy busy...

I'll try and get it done tomorrow or Sunday at the latest, so just know that I have NOT forgotten about this already!
 
Man... tears almost come into ones eyes when one thinks of how this has unfortunately gone :(

So I'm afraid this is not the norm for now. I have exams in three weeks which (not exaggerating in the slightest here) literally make or break my future, they're that important. As a result, starting tomorrow I will of course be revising EXTREMELY heavily for them, and won't really have much time for anything as intensive as this.

I've been working on and (largely) off on this chapter ever since my last one was posted. Granted it was one of my longest chapters ever ANYHOW, but it has been really hard redoing this one... I'm no PMJ or CH, but this is definitely up there with the longest stuff I will ever write, that's for sure. Whilst I'm not changing the way the battles go, it would be naive to say I won't edit them at all... and that takes time. Adding detail to these (sorely lacking) fights is difficult, and something that took an awful lot of time up.

So yeah, don't expect another chapter in the next like month or anything, but it would be wrong of me not to give you SOMETHING now that I've finished a bit. So here, take on chapter 3 (which is now apparently 5232 words long - given my old "6 page" mindset that is really something):



Chapter 3 – Reunion at the Pine City Gym!


“OK Ralts, wrap this fight up with Magical Leaf!”

Ralts animated several of the fallen pine needles on the ground to strike at her foe. The opponent was another trainer’s Sentret, who had been already heavily weakened by Ralts’s powerful confusion attack. The brown animal, down on its paws, was unable to avoid the chasing leaves. Cleanly struck by the sharp attack, it was thrust backwards, rolling several times on the ground before coming to a painful halt next to the tall pine trees with several quills protruding from its round body. There was no getting up after that.

“Well done Calum!” Ryan shouted, pleased to see his friend win the fight. Calum’s opponent, a young child with bright blue shorts and a yellow t-shirt, went up to him and shook his hand after returning his pokémon.

“Wow, you’re so strong!” he exclaimed. “I couldn’t compete at all… hey, have you been to the Pine City Gym? Someone like you could do really well there I think.”

Calum was quick to answer. “We’re on our way to Pine City just now actually. There’s a gym there? Great… good place to start in this league I suppose!” With a look of shrewd determination, Calum locked eyes with Ryan, silently asking if he was ready for the test. Seeing the look of confidence on his partner’s face, Ryan thrust his fist towards the sky in excitement. Clearly the two of them shared one important trait; they both relished the challenge of competition. Calum especially couldn’t wait to get started on this new one.

The youngster wasn’t finished, however. “Wait, how many pokémon do you have?” he asked. “The gym battles are always three against three… it looks like you only have two with you! If that’s the case, you’ll have to get another one first!”

“Oh…” Calum said, his murky green shifting momentarily to the ground in disappointment. “Well, thanks for the heads up! See you around kid!”


As Calum and Ryan walked towards Pine City, the youngster’s words played over in both of their minds. Both were happy with the pokémon with they had at the time, but Calum knew that to complete his journey they would need more...

“Looks like we need to catch a few more pokémon before we can make a challenge anywhere, doesn’t it Calum?” Ryan said, his feet dragging along the crumbly ground underfoot. Calum, seeing the frustration in his partner’s motions, looked at him empathetically in an attempt to lift his mood.

“Don’t worry Ryan! We’ll get more pokémon as we go along! You’ll see!”

Ryan looked up with a wry smile on his face. “Of course we will. It’s just… I like the two I have – I didn’t want to raise any more for a while.”

“Well…” Calum started, his thoughts changing as he mulled over that thought. He was quickly interrupted, however.

“Hey, but, since we have to anyhow, why don’t we get a start on the catching just now!? We need to catch at least one more each before we can challenge the gym after all – let’s go find some!”

“Sure…” Calum wasn’t in the mood to argue. Gathering his items together, he ran out with Ryan into the surrounding woodlands.


Before long, Calum and Ryan found themselves in the middle of a winding forest path. Towering pine trees blocking all sunlight with their imposing figure on their left, a large stream flowing gently on their right, and nothing but a dirt path ahead and behind them… it was safe to say that civilisation was nowhere to be found. The atmosphere was as far removed from the nearby city as could be. The only sounds for miles around were the quiet rush of water, the occasional squeak of a Rattata rummaging for food in the undergrowth, and the territorial cries of the Pidgey flocks as they sought to make themselves heard to the surrounding Spearow. Looking down at the crystalline water, Calum saw several Goldeen leisurely making their way upstream, their tail fins billowing out elegantly behind them. Tired from walking for so long, Ryan suggested the pair stop by the water to rest. Calum chuckled under his breath at his comrade’s lack of stamina, but agreed all the same. The two set up a picnic and relaxed in the shade.

Of course, this was the perfect place to find pokémon, and it wasn’t long before a pair appeared in amongst the trees. A small red puppy dog with broad black stripes on his back was playing amicably with an equally small red fox with several curled tails and a vivid clump of matted fur on her head. They appeared to be having a lot of fun chasing each other around the trees, practising their agility skills. The fox then noticed Ryan when she was chasing the dog, and cautiously made her way over to him. Ryan, busy eating a donut, didn’t take any notice of the sounds behind him. Before she was noticed, the daring fox had managed to get right up to Ryan. She was in the process of sniffing his bag for food when the puppy came and tackled her. A loud thud was heard as the two began play fighting in the middle of the path!

“Wait, what was that?” Ryan asked, a quizzical look on his face.

Calum turned around to see what the cause of the disturbance was. “There, behind us!” he said softly. “A Vulpix and a Growlithe!”

Upon hearing their names, the fox and puppy stopped fighting and turned towards Ryan and Calum. They looked at each other for a moment, and then stared back at the trainers intently. It was as if they were waiting for a fight… or food, one of the two.

“It doesn’t look like they want to fight separately Ryan… what do you say? Shall we take them as a team?” Calum was looking tensely towards the wild pokémon, not quite sure what they could do as a team.

“OK, we can catch one each! I call dibs on Vulpix though; it’s so cute!”

“Ha, I thought you’d say that. I prefer Growlithe anyhow,” Calum remarked, with a smirk on his face. “Take the stage Eevee!”

“Let’s go Pichu!”

The two pokémon came out with a flash of red light, as usual. Eevee looked at the wild opposition, calm as ever; Pichu simply bounced up and down on the spot, happy to be out of the poké ball, and happier still to be out in the woods. Seeing the pokémon come out, Growlithe knew that free food was not on the menu anymore. He charged towards Eevee, looking to get the first attack in.

“Hmm… Growlithe is definitely confident,” Calum noted, resting his chin on his hand. “Eevee, take it on with Tackle!”

The two dogs collided head-on, causing them both to recoil slightly. Upon seeing her friend getting tackled like that. Vulpix quickly decided that pacifism would get nowhere, launching small balls of fire from her mouth at Pichu!

“Watch out, she’s using Ember!” Ryan yelled. “Pichu, get out of the way and use Quick Attack!”

Pichu artfully evaded the small flames, and then leapt forwards with a sharp burst of speed that caught Vulpix right in its side! She rolled across the floor before landing on her feet. This time she looked angry…

“Pichu, Eevee, double Quick Attack!” the trainers cried in unison. Their pokémon charged rapidly at their respective quarries, wanting to quickly end the battle if possible. Vulpix had other ideas however; her eyes glowed a purpley-pink, and both Eevee and Pichu were slowed to a crawl!

Ryan stepped back in bewilderment, unsure of the severity of the situation at hand. “What gives?” he asked. “Why have they stopped?”

“It’s Imprison!” Calum remarked, raising his left hand to his forehead in exasperation. “It shuts down attacks that both the opposition and the user know. Rather handy move that… we should watch out for Quick Attack ourselves now.”

“No need to worry! I’ll slow that Vulpix down with Thunder Wave; go Pichu!”

Pichu launched a weak pulse of static electricity at Vulpix. Caught up in the mental state caused by her Imprison attack, she didn’t see the pulse coming, and was hit head on by the wave of energy. Whilst no damage was inflicted, she was clearly in pain... paralysis had taken hold! In the middle of all this, Growlithe and Eevee were racing around one another, each trying to lay a Bite or a Tackle into the other one. Growlithe had spotted what was done to Vulpix, and he charged straight towards Pichu! Fully concentrated on keeping her vulpine quarry at bay, the little mouse wasn’t expecting such a sudden attack from Growlithe. The sly pup’s Bite attack scored a direct hit on Pichu, severely weakening her. However, Growlithe howled in pain after the attack. The unsuspecting dog had become the second victim of Pichu’s painful residual electricity, and he had ground to a halt, paralysed on the spot!

“Oh yes, what a stroke of luck! Ryan, let’s catch these pokémon now before they recover and launch fire moves at us again!” Not needing to be told twice, Ryan quickly threw a poké ball at Vulpix in an attempt to catch her. Calum quickly followed suit, throwing his poké ball directly at the ailing Growlithe.

Both poké balls shook vigorously, clearly showing that neither pokémon wanted to be captured. They shook five times on the ground before finally resting… it appeared that the paralysed fire pokémon couldn’t break free of their new containers, and eventually gave up and accepted their fate.

“Wow, this is strange… does this world somehow KNOW what pokémon I like most or something? All of the pokémon I have so far are favourites…” Calum wondered as he walked over to claim his new Growlithe.

“All RIGHT! Another new pokémon, YES!” Ryan shouted at the top of his voice, hopping around wildly in excitement. Despite being a little worse for wear, his Pichu was jumping up and down as well, clearly overjoyed at having a new friend to play with.

Calum was quick to bring him back down to reality, tapping the overzealous teen on the shoulder. “Don’t get too excited yet Ryan. We need get these two healed and take on the Pine City Gym after all!” Ryan, coming to his senses again after the emotional rush of another capture, nodded sheepishly in agreement. Calum sent out his Ralts, who looked at him quizzically through her slender green locks. “OK Ralts, remember where the Pine City Pokémon Centre is?” Having been there a few hours ago, she nodded. “Can you Teleport us there?” Again, she nodded. The horn on her head started to glow again, and she caused the group to warp back to the pokémon centre, ready for their pokémon to be recovered.


“If you’re looking for the gym leader, he’s in the large green building at the city’s North side. He’s tough, but your pokémon are in top shape, so you should be fine. Good luck!”

“Thanks Joy; we’ll come back with the badge and more pokémon for you to heal!” Calum gave the omnipresent nurse a quick thumbs-up for her assistance and ran in the direction she said the gym was in.

When he arrived at the oriental-styled gym, an assistant at the door showed him inside. He was told that a battle was currently underway, and that he would be watching this first before talking to the gym leader. Upon entering the battle arena, he walked onto a plain wooden floor serving as the battlefield. Four pillars supported the ceiling from the corners of the room. The walls were painted in a vivid shade of purple. The colour was so intense, you couldn’t look at it for very long without feeling ill. Almost like a toxin...

Ryan was already inside, battling the leader. His pokémon were healed faster than Calum’s, so he left without him to make sure both of them got a challenge in. Things were looking bad though… he was down to his last pokémon, Pichu. The leader still had a pokémon in reserve, and he wasn’t looking bad with what he had out either. He had a small purple scorpion creature out, with tiny pincers on its tail. The pincers were seeped in a vile-looking green substance, which Calum suspected was probably the cause of Ryan’s predicament.

“Skorupi, attack with Poison Sting!” The little arachnid shot a barrage of tiny purple needles at Pichu, who was unable to evade much of the lethal spine storm. The savage burst knocked her down to the cold floor unceremoniously. She looked tired… and low in morale. Desperate to get his pokémon back into the fight, Ryan called out to her.

“Pichu, hang in there please!” he cried, arms flailing wildly. “You can do it! I believe in you!” Pichu struggled back to her feet, looking at her trainer with tears in her eyes. To think that he was so confident in her abilities, despite the situation… her body began to crackle with electricity, and a bright white light suddenly surrounded her! “What the… what’s happening!” Ryan gasped, knowing nothing about what was happening to his Pichu.

The next thing he knew, his Pichu was no longer the same small mouse. Although still small, she was significantly larger than before. Her ears were almost purely yellow now, as was her tail. The tail also had a significant fork at the end of its lightning bolt shape… almost as if a bite had been taken out of it. Her cheeks had changed colour too – they were now a vivid red, and crackling with energy. She growled softly at her opposition, “Pikachu…”

Calum looked at the new mouse on the battlefield, stunned at the speed of its evolution. “Ryan, your Pichu was so moved by your plea that she evolved for you! She’s now a Pikachu, and looking better than ever!”

Ryan thrust his fist towards the ceiling in delight. “Alright, now I can win for sure! Go Pikachu!” He called eagerly to his new partner. “Use Quick Attack and wipe the floor with that bug!”

It was clear from the next move that Pikachu had gained a LOT of power from evolving when it did. It charged at Skorupi from all angles with such blinding pace that nobody could keep up with it… least of all Skorupi, who collapsed under the strain of taking so many hits in quick succession.

“Well, wasn’t that impressive?” the leader remarked, glancing at Ryan with mild concern in his eyes. “Your Pikachu clearly loves you a lot. Nevertheless, it won’t win this fight… I can’t let it! Go, Grimer!”

A bright purple amorphous puddle appeared on the leader’s side of the battlefield. It slowly rose out of the ground, its body forever flowing downward due to gravity. Two pudgy arms emerged from the side of the obscure being, dripping vile purple liquid all over the floor. A large, toothless mouth appeared in the middle of the shapeless blob, transforming itself into a devilish smile. Narrowed eyes materialised on its forehead when it detected Ryan’s Pikachu. The occult creature knew what had to be done, and waited patiently for its orders.

Ryan looked at the Grimer in confusion. “What is that thing...” he whispered, not even sure of where to start. “Oh well, it doesn’t matter! Pikachu, use Quick Attack like before!”

Calum gasped, knowing exactly what this entailed. “Ryan, wait! That won’t-”

But he was too late. Pikachu had already begun a familiar rapid charge towards the calm Grimer, who didn’t move an inch to get out of the way. It hardly had to, however; as Pikachu collided head on with the toxic body of her opponent, it stretched elastically. When the mouse’s energy was fully expended, Grimer’s body snapped back into place, and poor Pikachu bounced right off of it! She let a small yelp out as the recoil caused her to roll several feet along the ground in shock – she wasn’t expecting that to happen.

“Whoa…” Ryan’s eyes widened in shock. He wasn’t sure what to think after that failed attack. “That Grimer is strange! Pikachu, use Thundershock on it then! That ought to work…”

The gym leader had other ideas, however. “Grimer, use Acid Armor! Melt away from that electric attack!”

Grimer dissolved into the ground, slipping cleanly away from the incoming electrical jolt. Pikachu looked around, eyes widening as fear and confusion set in. She couldn’t discern where her opponent disappeared to, and she didn’t like it one bit. Even its smell had gone... it was as if it had evaporated! Grimer knew exactly what it was doing though; it solidified behind Pikachu, striking the unsuspecting pokémon with a full-blooded Pound in the back!

“Pikachu, no!”

Pikachu cried in pain as it was floored by the brutal surprise attack. As she struggled to get up, the gym leader raised his hand to issue his final command.

“Finish this game off! Use Sludge!”

Grimer twisted its filthy body and hurled a toxic piece of its hand at the downed Pikachu, who was nailed on the head by the venomous gunk. She was knocked out cold this time… there was no recovery once she was shot by Sludge!


“Pikachu…” Ryan whispered, visibly shaking as he returned the fainted mouse. “I’m sorry… I never thought you would be bounced back by attacking it. I guess I have a lot still to learn…”

“You do, but you put up a good fight. It’s been a while since anyone took me to the last pokémon…”

The gym leader walked over to shake hands with Ryan and congratulate him for a good battle. His attention then turned to Calum, and his smile grew wider.

“Well well… I was wondering when you would get here! Are you with this boy then Calum?” The gym leader looked buoyant upon seeing Calum – he clearly knew him from somewhere.

“Yes, I am,” Calum replied, frowning slightly. He looked at the man in front of him, memories buzzing from the sense of déjà-vu. “Who are you again? You look familiar, but…”

“Forgotten me already man?” The leader turned his head in disappointment. “I hoped you’d remember the name of the 10th best trainer in the UK. Guess not…”

Calum stepped back in awe. “NOW I remember! You’re Matt! You were at the tournament with Gregor and me! THAT’S how you got here… we were all transported together then?”

Pleased to hear his name at last, Matt spoke. “It appears so. We all seem to have been given roles in this world, and my role is to play as the Gym Leader of Pine City! And now, I guess you’ve come to challenge me, correct?”

“You’d better believe it Matt!” Calum quickly answered, his eyes ablaze with passion. “I’m not going down to you – I’m the best in the UK and I’ll be the best here too!”

Matt sneered. “Is that so? Well, let me test your credentials for that title, hm? The rules will be the same as for little Ryan here – three against three, in a singles format. Whoever has a pokémon standing at the end of the match wins.” He delicately placed his pokémon onto a large pearl-white healing machine propped against the back wall of the gym, like the one at Willow’s laboratory. “I had to heal my pokémon first of course. Can’t give you such an advantage to begin with after all, can we?”

Calum was having none of it. “Enough small talk Matt, let’s get this started!” The young man stood open-stanced, confidently holding his opening poké ball in his outstretched hand.

“Ha, if you say so,” Matt answered, a note of sarcasm in his voice. Matching Calum, his leading pokémon’s container was gripped tightly in his capable hand. “I’ll lead with Skorupi, go!”

Matt’s scorpion pokémon came back out into the battlefield, fresh and ready to fight.

“I hoped you’d make my first pokémon choice easy,” Calum whispered softly, glad to have an early advantage. “Growlithe, take to the stage!”

The loyal puppy lived up to its name, audibly growling at his opponent upon leaving his poké ball. The violet scorpion took a couple of paces back, apprehensive about facing the rowdy fire type head-on.

“Clever…” Matt remarked respectfully, closing his eyes. “You haven’t lost your touch at all have you? Sending out a pokémon to counter mine right from the start… nothing less that expected from you Calum! But don’t think you will have the final edge in this fight! Skorupi, Acupressure!”

In an effort to calm its nerves, Skorupi softly stuck the pincers on its tail right into the middle of its back, triggering a relaxation effect. Growlithe looked bemused as the little scorpion simply sat in the middle of the battlefield, totally oblivious of the world around it. Unsure as to what attribute the move had affected, Calum opened his pokédex to check it out. “Skorupi has a two-stage increase in Special Defense power,” the robotic voice said monotonously. “Additionally, its special ability is Sniper. Be careful of taking Critical Hits.”

“Great…” Calum thought aloud. “Just what I need. Growlithe, use Bite!”

Growlithe charged swiftly towards Skorupi as it was removing the pincers from its back. It couldn’t move out of the eager puppy’s way in time, and was struck cleanly with the powerful dark attack launched by the dog. It winced as powerful jaws worked their way through its thin carapace and into much more sensitive tissue. Eventually Growlithe let the dazed arachnid out of his grasp, awaiting fresh instructions.

“Well played Calum,” Matt said, with complacency in his voice. “You used the time I took charging up to attack - not bad! However, now that Ember is of little use to you and Growlithe, you shouldn’t pose much of a threat. Skorupi, Poison Sting! Take it down!”

“Watch out Growlithe! Use Agility!”

Skorupi arced its tail above its head and began firing poisonous purple spines at Growlithe, like it had done to Pichu. Unlike the little mouse however, Growlithe was more than ready for it, darting out of the way with impressive speed. Every time Skorupi shot at Growlithe, he would effortlessly jump out of the way. Quickly growing annoyed by this, Skorupi decided to ignore its trainer’s command charge at Growlithe instead. Matt shouted in disgust.

“Skorupi, no! Get back here!”

“Looks like your pokémon is getting annoyed Matt,” Calum taunted, smiling maliciously. “No wonder too, with the rubbish aim it has! Anyways, Growlithe, can you use Flame Wheel yet?”

Finding a second to pause as the slower scorpion attempted to catch him, Growlithe looked at his trainer blankly, clearly not understanding the order. Calum groaned, holding his head in his hands in disbelief.

“Uhh… well, cloak your body in fire and tackle that Skorupi! That’s how you use Flame Wheel!”

Growlithe, jumping out of the way of the enraged Skorupi, gave Calum a slightly bemused look. After a couple of seconds however, it looked like a light bulb was turned on in his head as he finally understood what was expected of him. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, covering himself in flickering flames. As he worked, Skorupi saw him at a standstill, and took the opportunity to guarantee a hit. Finally content with his hazy cloak, the fiery puppy turned to face the incoming pincer pokémon and raced towards him at full speed.

The resulting clash was rather spectacular. Both pokémon recoiled sharply and crashed to the ground. Skorupi was clearly much worse off though… it appeared to be in a LOT of pain – embers were visible on its skin. Growlithe winced slightly as it got up, but gradually shook whatever was hurting him off and awaited further instructions.

“Skorupi… it’s burned,” Matt whispered resentfully. “It can’t battle for much longer; it probably won’t ever get another attack in on that Growlithe. Ugh, I’ll return it, conceding this battle... I won’t allow Skorupi to get hurt more than it already is.”

“All right, go Calum! One down, two to go!”

Ryan, who had quietly been taking in all the moves used in that fight, cheered when Skorupi was returned back to the poké ball. Calum closed his eyes for a brief second, sharing his comrade’s pain.

“I understand that Matt… it’s a good thing for your bug.”


Matt stared savagely at Calum as he clutched the next poké ball in his hand. “Well, it’s a bad thing for your Growlithe! Go Grimer!”

Matt’s vile purple sludge creature was sent out, ready to take on Growlithe. The boisterous puppy stared it down, growling intensely. Calum’s stood up tight, slightly concerned now that the enigmatic sludge pokémon had made its appearance. He didn’t let on to Growlithe that he wasn’t as confident, however...

“We can take him, too! Growlithe, charge at it using Flame Wheel!”

“Ha, as expected!” Matt laughed menacingly, knowing exactly what to do. “Grimer, Acid Armor!”

Growlithe once again cloaked itself in flames and shot towards Grimer. Fully prepared for such an assault, Grimer sneered and began to melt into the floor! The filthy creature had almost completely vanished by the time Calum’s pooch made contact, rendering the normally devastating assault near-useless. To make matters worse, Grimer was nowhere to be seen!

“Oh no…” Calum thought, exasperation sinking in. His mind was racing back and forth, desperately trying to come up with a solution to the predicament he now found himself in. “Where is that pile of sludge!? Growlithe, try to flush it out using Ember around the room!”

In a desperate attempt to track his foe down before things got out of hand, Growlithe opened his mouth and carpeted the whole room with small balls of fire for several seconds. To Calum’s dismay, the move failed to do anything other than wear his dog out from having to exhale continuously.

Matt laughed at the futile efforts of his rival. HE knew where his pokémon was, and thought it best to show his hand and take control again. “Time to reveal yourself Grimer! Sludge!”

“Growlithe, no!”

Calum’s futile call came much too late for his poor hound, however. Grimer appeared unexpectedly to the left of the beast, hurling a piece of its foul body at him. It cleanly struck the side of the dog, sticking to his matted fur. He lay crumpled on the floor in discomfort as the detritus seeped through his skin. Seeing his attack land, Grimer smiled briefly before once again vanishing in a plume of fetid green smog.

“Better call it back Calum, it looks like it got poisoned,” Matt pointed out, as he watched the pooch whine in agony as it writhed along the floor.

“Man, that sludge is more powerful than it looks,” Calum said despondently, his eyes rooted firmly to the ground as he quickly returned the ailing Growlithe. He stood in this position for a good two minutes, considering his next move with utmost care. “OK, who to send out now… well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to play my trump card! Go Ralts!”

Ralts came out of her poké ball, looking around for her opponent. When she couldn’t find one, she looked at Calum with a confused look on her face.

“Ralts, be careful! The enemy is a Grimer, and the nasty bugger is hiding using Acid Armor! Can you trace its location by using its emotions?”

Without a word, Ralts’s horn glowed, searching for all emotional energy around it. The emotive pokémon quickly identified a hostile force on her right-hand side, and turned to face that direction.

“All right, I knew you could do it!” Calum exclaimed, thrilled to see progress being made in his favour. “Bring it to the surface with Confusion!”

Ralts gathered her psychic powers briefly. Before it had even had the chance to consider a move, she forced the hostile sludge pokémon back into clear view with a powerful telekinetic force. It’s eyes looked vacant; it was hardly able to take the damage caused by the effective attack!

“Gah, Grimer won’t last at this rate,” Matt said, with the same resentment in his voice as when he was forced to return Skorupi. “Grimer, let’s try Minimize!”

Grimer shook off its fatigue and shrank to about a tenth of its former size. It could barely even be seen now! Ralts was confused; she knew where the target was, but she couldn’t see it. Panic setting in, she turned to Calum for support. He wasn’t concerned, however; he knew his pokémon was more than capable of winning this fight despite the recent occurrence.

“Hang in there Ralts! You can find it – just rely on your abilities! Oh, and surround Grimer with Double Team while you’re at it.”

Ralts stood still momentarily, concerned that Calum was putting a little bit TOO much faith in her powers. Despite her tense state however, she trusted his judgement nevertheless. She cast the illusionary copies of herself around the general area that hostile emotive force emanated from, surrounding it on all sides.

“Don’t think we can’t find you now Calum!” Matt announced, almost mocking his opponent’s attempts to confound him. “Grimer, use Sludge in as many directions as possible!”

Tiny compressed clumps of waste were flung from the centre of the arena in many different directions at once, causing several of the illusionary copies of Ralts to fade. She had to act fast to avoid being hit on numerous occasions. It was clear that this strategy wasn’t working this time round. For the first time in this match-up, Calum looked truly concerned. However, it didn’t take him long to come up with an idea to turn it around.

“Ralts don’t give up! Find your target with Magical Leaf, then strike the finishing blow with Confusion!”

Matt stood, speechless. “No! Grimer!”

Unfortunately for Grimer, it was much too late. As it was busy trying to find the real Ralts, she was creating arcane autumn leaves with her psychic powers. The strange foliage hunted down Grimer without fail, striking it cleanly despite its minute size. Even though that shot wasn’t effective, it told Ralts where to fire her psychic energy... information she used with brutal consequences. One full-blooded Confusion later, her toxic foe lay cross-eyed and motionless on the floor. Back at its proper size, it was clear that it wasn’t getting up any time soon... Ralts’s powerful psychic attacks were just too much for it to handle.


“All right Calum! Only one more left to go! Trounce this guy for me too!”

Ryan jumped for joy when Grimer was downed for good. He was delighted for his friend, who was now one pokémon away from victory. Matt, now contemplating the possibility that he could lose, was far less zealous with his remarks though.

“Argh… as always Calum, you’re proficient at this. Good to see!” he called his pokémon back, looking down at the ground as he did so. “It’s not like I didn’t expect this, however. And I KNEW you’d be packing a psychic type somehow.” He smiled. “So… I prepared this little one especially for you… take THIS one on! GO!”

Matt launched his last poké ball into the arena. When it opened up, what came out left Calum and Ryan in shock…
 
OOH CLIFFHANGER :O
Excellent chapter once again, two problems though:
Calum was quick to bring him back down to reality. “Don’t get too excited get Ryan. We need get these two healed and take on the Pine City Gym after all!”

Zyflair said:
P.S. Yes, you're supposed to use a comma before addressing someone in dialogue, whether or not there's a pause.
 
... I only see one problem in that post. >_>

Anyway, so the chapter opens up with the finale of a battle. The description was nicely done, despite the slightly-unsatisfactory brevity. The following conversation, moving the plot along, was fine as well. For possible improvement when/if you have time, you might want to consider adding more detail to the Calum's personality in less abstract (and less cliché) than simply "[his] competitive fire was burning inside once again." For example, as a person in the story, how would I see his determination? Always consider that as a reader, we like to be viewing the story from not only inside the minds of other people, but also their actions outside them, letting us judge their traits ourselves. For additional practice (as if you want any ;P), you could also change "Calum said, a little crestfallen after this information." to some more physically descriptive as well.

Loved how you made the two Pokémon show up. =D
Following battle was great, so I have no commentary for that.

Is it true that the American "tire" is spelled "tyre" over there? My communications teacher told me that.

Calum looked at the new mouse on the battlefield, stunned at the speed of its evolution. “Ryan, your Pichu was so moved by your plea that she evolved for you! She’s now a Pikachu, and looking better than ever!”
I could've sworn some part of the anime sounded a bit like this. ._.

The young man was determined and ready to begin.
See second paragraph.

Haha at the learning of Flame Wheel. At this rate, I might have nothing to critique on.
...
Actually, I really have nothing to critique on past that. The descriptions were slightly lacking due to the fact that you like to directly tell us how the characters feel. Avoid that. Avoid that as much as you can. You're great with physical descriptions so adapt almost every detail to your physical descriptions; why bother with abstract language when your obvious forte (and a good one at that) is the ability to convey the scene with sensory details?

Happy writing,
~Zyflair
 
Tyre as in... car tyre? Because yes, that is spelled with a y. Obviously tire as in tire out is not though.

If there is an animé reference it is far FAR from meant, I stopped watching the animé several years ago and have forgotten most of the things that went on within it.

Beyond that... wow. I'm not meaning to sound silly here, but all things considered I expected a lot worse than that lol. I'm glad you're finding most of this good, especially since it didn't start off with the intention of getting such, how shall we put it, critical analysis? I started this project to prove to myself that I still retained some sort of ability in English writing, and it seems like that has more than shown itself here... in terms of confidence in my work I don't think you could've done much more there!

The great thing about this type of analysis is that you have pointed out to you several things which I wouldn't necessarily think about myself. Especially since I'm not exactly a right-brain person... I never really saw the "physical" link to stuff here. I will definitely look at that closer, since it plays to apparent strengths lol.

I get it with the "competitive fire" thing though... again I maybe didn't think of that at first, but it's probably something I SHOULD have picked up on as I went through. Hazards of the left-brainer I guess - I usually only notice that sort of repetitiveness when it's in closer proximity, not when it's dispersed throughout the story like it is. I'll look into that when I get the chance.


In light of Zy's comments, would any of my readers object to me trying to re-edit some of this again before I go on to the next chapter? I think it might do me some good to "practice" what has been pointed out on this chapter before trying to apply it to future work. I know people want "new" stuff, but at the same time I want to try and get this as good as I can, especially since I don't want to be rewriting any of this again!
 
UPDATE!

In light of what Zyflair told me in his review, I have endeavoured to update the last chapter with a more... idk, suitable way of doing things? I think it's a bit better now at least, although I may well have missed some things and I know I probably didn't adapt EVERY description to physical stuff. Go check the last chapter again and tell me if you think it's decent/any better lol.

I might start chapter 4 tomorrow, it depends on how I feel. I'm hoping to play tennis tomorrow, so we'll see.
 
More random update info!

Chapter 4 is about 2/3 done. I have some plot-building stuff to go through now, and then I can post it. HOPEFULLY within a couple of days or so, but idk.

The other thing I wanted to say was that I have updated Chapter 1 with additional background on Eevee's pendant-like-object. Mostly to fluff it out a bit and ease the plot in a little more gently, as Zy mentioned before. You don't HAVE to go back and check it, but I will be expanding on it in the near future, so it might be a good idea to :p. If someone could tell me whether or not they think I've revealed too much there... that would be nice. Cause I dunno myself :S
 
I was going to post a few days earlier, but now I think I really don't have anything of importance to add. :p

Other than my useless input, I can certainly tell that you revised quite a bit (though I can't tell completely for sure as I didn't save a copy before you revised it).
 
Yeah, I did really look at it a lot. Don't worry about how it was before, that's not the important thing.. unless it's somehow WORSE than before, but reading through it myself I somehow doubt that. I've already taken these lessons into chapter 4, so hopefully I won't have to re-redo it this time! ^_^'
 
Ha! I so suck at getting this done in a reasonable time-frame -_-

I really hope I can do a bit better than this when it comes to redoing subsequent chapters. It's turning out to be much much more work than I thought though - maybe I'm just adding a lot more than expected, but my chapters are getting like 50-70% longer each time I rewrite one... and that is hard to do!

But I left you with a cliffhanger last time, and I must say this is one of the more entertaining ones for me. You will see why as soon as you read the start of this chapter, so I won't spoil it before then :D



Chapter 4 – Old Rivalries Remain Strong…


As the poké ball opened up, Calum could only gape in awe at what he saw. Not because it was hugely IMPRESSIVE, but because the tactical decision involved in using this pokémon at this time was perfect… He had no answer to it with Ralts whatsoever.

Matt had just sent out his trump card, with full intentions of making quick work of this match A pungent smell filled the arena as the pokémon was released, causing Calum and Ryan to recoil in disgust. The offender was a small, deep purple skunk with a large white streak on its back. Its cheeks, also sporting white whiskers of fur, were quite large, probably for storing some form of dangerous poison inside. Its eyes were firmly locked on the now frightened Ralts; grinning nastily, it knew it had this fight beat before it even began.

“Surprised Calum?” Matt asked, eyes narrowing as he spoke. “You thought you and your little psychic friend were going to take this match, but I had a surprise in store! This may be a poison gym, but other types are mixed with poison… the Dark type is one of them! Now, get ready to lose!”

Calum slowly turned his attention to Ralts, who nervously looked back. She didn’t want to fight this round, and he knew it. He sighed, closing his eyes to the discomfort of his next decision. “I guess I need to call my Ralts back then…”

Matt interjected, an edge of anger in his tone. “I don’t think so Calum… don’t you think I wanted to switch my Grimer out last time? You can’t switch here unless you aren’t going to use that pokémon again. Competitive battles in THIS region are done a little differently from what we’re used to.” The leader pointed at the quivering Ralts. “So… go ahead and switch, but you’re wasting an opportunity to try and weaken my pokémon somehow first!”

Taken aback slightly by this, Calum held his head in his hands as he weighed up the options available. Ralts continued to look at him fearfully. He spoke softly to her, trying to comfort her as much as he could. “What do you think? Want to try to weaken that skunk for Eevee to knock out? It might win the match…”

Calum shook his head, torn by indecision. Ralts shared his sentiments. She knew that if she was sent in to battle a Dark type... but understanding the situation it didn’t look like there was much choice... it didn’t take her long to work out what she had to do. Even though it was a huge mismatch, and despite the fact that she was frightened beyond belief, she was willing to fight for her team. Letting Calum know of her decision with her telepathy, she moved towards the centre of the arena to face the inevitable.

“Looks like your psycho-girl has made your choice for you Calum,” Matt jeered, staring condescendingly at his opponent. “I’m looking forward to this… Stunky, Poison Sting!”

Like Skorupi before it, Stunky generated a plethora of tinted quills from its tail and launched them in its opponent’s direction. The tiny humanoid could easily predict such a slow attack coming, however.

“Ralts, evade with Teleport, and follow up with Lucky Chant! Make sure critical hits can’t happen to you!”

Ralts effortlessly slipped away from the incoming needles, barely expending any power as she flittered around the room. During the brief moments of relapse where Stunky’s spine reserve dried up, she echoed a mystical incantation towards the sky. After twenty seconds of this, she was surrounded in a mystical blue aura. Stunky frowned at its opponent’s evasive abilities, questioning how she was able to so easily avoid its usually perfect aim.

Matt stamped his foot on the wooden gym surface. “Gah, that Ralts is too fast!” he cried, agitation seeping through every word. He smiled as a fresh battle idea came to mind. “Hmm… she can avoid my Stunky’s Poison Sting, but can she avoid this? Stunky, Pursuit! Take it down!”

Stunky, relieved to hear a fresh tactic emerging, abandoned its previous form of attack. Sheathed in an ominous dark aura, it charged right at Ralts. She teleported away from the attack, but this time the wily skunk was onto her this time. Despite having no psychic abilities of its own, it appeared to be able to know exactly where its white adversary would reappear every time, allowing it to attack relentlessly. Ralts was avoiding the attack, but barely... it was clear that her teleportation ability was weakening, and before long she was barely evading the powerful tackles her smelly opponent was delivering. Calum looked on anxiously. He knew had to think of something fast… and it didn’t take him long to come up with a temporary fix.

“This isn’t working... Ralts, cast Reflect and cut the damage you’ll take! Then use Double Team and surround Stunky like usual!”

Feeling the pressure, Ralts knew that she couldn’t keep teleporting for much longer. She used what was left of her immediate reserves to set up a clear, crystalline blockade of pinkish light. Stunky, having finally cornered his quarry, collided head-on with the wall. The resulting shockwave caused both parties to rebound slightly, inflicting minor damage to the emotive pokémon from behind her blockade. As Stunky was recovering from the recoil, he was surrounded by a host of Ralts copies, all covered in the blue aura of Lucky Chant, and now glistening with the light of Reflect as well. His eyes narrowed as he felt the rage of his trainer setting in.

Sure enough, Matt’s temper was quickly flaring. Restraining his urge to smash his hand into the nearest pillar, he decided to convert his anger into a taunt instead. “Ugh, that Ralts is surprisingly good on the defence… I compliment it for surviving THIS long, but how much longer can it last?” he jeered. He knew that his Stunky’s typing made it nearly impossible for Ralts to inflict a lot of damage... knowledge he used to calm himself down again. His opponent was simply stalling after all... that was nothing new, considering his conservative playstyle.

“We’ll see,” Calum retorted, knowing Ralts’s game would be up soon. “We can at least weaken any attempt Stunky can make on my last pokémon! Ralts, Growl!”

The flurry of Ralts all cried in unison, causing Stunky to back up apprehensively. Looking a little less confident than before, it was clear to see the attack drop in its face. Calum smiled. The plan had worked.

“Don’t let it get to you Stunky!” Matt shouted. Seeing how long Ralts had resisted, his demeanour was gradually deteriorating. His right eye had begun twitching erratically. A hand in constant motion only added to the leader’s anxiety; he was desperate to end this match-up before the situation became un-winnable. “Just chase it down again with Pursuit! It can’t last much longer, surely!”

Despite not looking as positive as before, Stunky charged into the ring of Ralts surrounding it, looking for the real one. Unfortunately, the vile skunk’s senses were still shot from the “intimidation”, and it wasn’t capable of discerning the real enemy from her flurry of holographs. Feeling thoroughly dejected, it looked back at the nervous Matt for another idea.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, his tension rising. “Can’t find the real one? Then stink it out with Poison Gas!”

Stunky’s narrow eyes lit up with glee. Never missing an opportunity to unleash its favourite ability, it raised its tail high into the air in order to let loose a disproportionate cloud of dirty green gas from its rear, enveloping the circle of Ralts. The putrid vapour didn’t waste its time crippling poor Ralts either; before long her illusory circle had dissipated, and the shell-shocked humanoid tumbled unceremoniously to the floor. Ryan, holding his hand to his mouth in anticipation, gasped as he watched the brutal consequences of Stunky’s vile odour attack. Ralts’s horn flickered faintly… Calum’s mood worsened as he contemplated exactly what the dull crimson colour meant.

Stunky, on relieved to finally have the upper hand against his opponent, wasted no time in tackling Ralts with his morbid Pursuit attack. This was too much; all motion ceased as she finally succumbed to the combination of poison and assaults on one of her few defensive flaws. Her battle was over.


“Finally,” Matt said, sighing in disbelief as he regained some confidence. He was unable to work out why it took so long to knock Ralts out with a dark type, despite being as a clear advantage. However, he had taken no damage at least... that he was grateful of. Managing a weak smile, he looked up at his opponent with fresh vigour. “Your Ralts is a real pain… it knows a lot of evasive moves already. Good job!”

Calum called Ralts back, his expression far from happy current situation. Stony-faced, he addressed his rival in an equally cold tone. “Thanks for the compliment Matt. My Ralts definitely fits my play-style, that’s for sure. But she wasn’t the REAL winner for me in this fight… this guy will be! Go Eevee!”

The ever-faithful chocolate dog came out of his poké ball when called, growling softly at Stunky as he emerged. Even though he wasn’t out of his poké ball, he still knew what was going on... and being called out, it didn’t take him long to understand that he was needing to avenge the defeat of a comrade. His noisy charade quickly stopped when a clear pinkish light surrounded it however; confused, he cocked his head to the side trying to figure out what this crystalline substance that enveloped him was.

Like Eevee, Matt looked puzzled. “Isn’t that Reflect?” he asked. “I KO’ed Ralts! Why is THAT still here?”

“You never did learn how to use that move, did you Matt?” Calum chuckled, smiling knowingly. “As a matter of fact, Reflect and Light Screen pass on to any other pokémon in your party that comes out, providing there’s some time left on them. It looks like there is for Reflect here, so let’s use it! Eevee, Quick Attack!”

Hearing that the arcane light covering him was a Reflect, Eevee had no worries of being heavily damaged from Stunky. He wasted no time in making a sharp dash to knock his underprepared opponent to the ground, which was effortlessly accomplished. Reeling from the pain of the first damaging assault it had to endure, Stunky stood up shakily, lacking the confidence to launch an attack of its own. As before, Matt’s confident facade quickly wore away as the thought of losing set itself firmly in his mind. “I can’t lose here... not to him...”

“Man… this looks bad,” he said aloud. Calum duly noted the look of worry on his adversary’s face. “I have to DO something! Stunky, use Toxic!”

Almost not registering Matt’s command at first, Calum took a second to gather his true intentions. “Did he just say...” he gasped, horror all over his expression. “NO! EEVEE, GET AWAY FROM THAT ATTACK!”

His hesitation proved decisive, however. Stunky, almost cackling at the thought of what it was about to unleashed on the unsuspecting Eevee, released a swathe of the vilest purple fluid it could muster from its body. The dumbfounded dog pokémon cried in absolute agony as he was struck right in the eyes by the disgusting substance. No amount of Reflect could avoid THAT move… the young pup was rapidly weakening from the inside due to the corrosive fluid it was exposed to. Wincing with every second passed, it looked desperately at Calum for orders.

“I have to end this fast…” Calum’s eyes closed, desperately trying to come up with a way to resolve the conflict before Eevee’s condition deteriorated much further. “Eevee, charge at Stunky with Quick Attack, then use Tail Whip just before you collide!”

Eevee sighed in relief, knowing that what he was asked to do was well within his familiar abilities. Even through the painful condition, the weakened animal managed to shoot over to the sneering skunk and ram his fluffy tail right up its face! Clearly lacking in discipline and awareness, Stunky couldn’t react to evade such a quick manoeuvre. Now facing a giant hairy tail in its face, all the dopey creature could do was start laughing uncontrollably; it appeared to be ticklish!

Again, a foot was heard slamming into the floor. “Stunky, WHAT are you DOING!” Matt shouted, visibly angered by the subpar reaction time of his pokémon. “You just about HAVE this fight! Take it down with Slash, NOW!”

But despite the strong order, Stunky couldn’t make a move. It was too caught up in laughing to concentrate on attacking anymore... after all, being tickled by Eevee’s extremely hairy tail usually had that effect!

For the first time in the match, Calum allowed himself to laugh along with Stunky. “Haha, looks like Stunky can’t execute that attack Matt!” he joked. Bringing himself back into the battle, he knew that now was the time to end it all. Before his pokémon had to suffer any more than it already had... “Eevee, Tackle it! Let’s end this before you’re hurt any further!”

The order couldn’t have come fast enough for Eevee. Content with the tail lashing he had delivered, he turned around and head-butted Stunky as it was still laughing! Stunky, with weakened defence being caught off-guard by this assault, couldn’t take it; it skidded along the ground, laughter changing to muffled grunts as it slipped out of consciousness. The match was over; Calum had won!


“All right, I won!” Calum exclaimed, returning his suffering Eevee before the poison caused it to faint as well. “Excellent game Matt – you’re as good as always. Seems like we didn’t lose our abilities to fight in this other world now, does it?”

Matt returned his pokémon despondently as he walked over to Calum. “I guess not,” he replied, the bitterness of defeat echoing through his voice. “You did really well in that game. In the end... there’s no way that I could have won. Congratulations!” He smiled, reaching for a small container in his jacket pocket. “I have three things to present to you now.”

Calum raised an eyebrow. “Three things?” he asked quizzically.

“Yes, three things. I obviously have to give you the badge as the first so take the Fermenta Badge!”

The young leader handed Calum a glistening purple badge in the shape of a barrel. It looked like a container for brewing strong alcohol... “fitting,” Calum thought to himself. Matt remained unaware of the connotations his badge held as he rummaged through the box for the other gifts.

“Now, the next thing is this CD… it can teach a pokémon the move Toxic. Almost EVERY pokémon can use this, as you know; it uses their waste products to rapidly poison an opposition. Nasty to think about, but… it’s nastier in effect! Take it, and use it well.”

“Thank you Matt,” Calum murmured, more than a little disturbed by the vivid colour of the circular device. He held it up to the gym’s main light, examining the noxious disk from all angles, before storing it in his bag. His gaze shifted back towards the bemused Matt, who was concealing something with covered hands. Calum’s natural curiosity began to take over. “Now, what’s the third thing?”

“I was hoping you would ask that,” the young leader replied, grinning happily as he unveiled the secretive object. “My last gift to you is this – it’s the Pokétch! This high-tech watch… well, you know what it does. It currently has the clock, map, calculator and team status applications uploaded. Maybe you can find others for it on your journey?”

Matt gave a surprised Calum a blue wristwatch, complete with a small card feeder on the side. The device beeped monotonously as it initiated its automatic registration process.

Calum looked inquisitively at the hardware he now held as it completed its self-appointed task. His head dropped slightly, eyes closing as he considered what to say in response to his rival’s unusual kindness. Matt wasn’t exactly known for sharing, after all...

“Thanks Matt, really,” he whispered softly, unable to come up with anything more complete. “It’s a great gift to get to help me on my journey.”

“Don’t mention it,” Matt replied indifferently, feeling sad to have to say goodbye again so soon. “But also don’t forget that it has some phone capabilities as well though! We can battle again when we become more proficient at the style here!”

Calum looked at Matt and smiled. “Of course,” he answered, confidence oozing through every word. “But don’t expect as easy a fight as you had HERE! Next time we meet, I’ll be SO much stronger than this!”

“I’ll look forward to it then. Good luck with your adventure!” Matt waved his rival goodbye and set about clearing the gym up after the fight.


“Wow Calum… you’re amazing! Taking on Matt like that when you haven’t had much experience here yet… simply awesome! I’m your number one fan for now and forever!”

Ryan was chattering on about how awesome Calum’s victory was. The weary teen was having every moment recited to him over and over by his excitable companion, and he was becoming bored by it all.

“Hey, it wasn’t THAT special you know Ryan,” he said finally, after the tenth time of being told about it. “It’s just a match after all, nothing out of the ordinary.” Although I DO wonder…” he looked at the sky, as if hoping for some answer to his outspoken thoughts in the clouds, “...since Matt was the leader here, could the others be the leaders of the other gyms? And if so… where would Gregor be?”

“Gregor?” Ryan inquired. “Who’s he?”

Calum sighed. “He’s my biggest friend and rival trainer in the world I come from. We met in the finals of the last tournament we did, and I narrowly edged the match. Then the TO came up to us, and… well, I told you the rest.”

“Oh yeah, I remember now,” Ryan remarked, playing his friend’s tale through his head again. “All your friends from the tourney are here, and you want to meet up with them all… right?”

“Right,” Calum replied, his voice trailing off slightly. “But Matt only had HIS number on the Pokétch… I guess he knows about as much as I do about where the others are.”

“I guess…” Ryan’s feet trailed along the ground. He stared at the floor, failing to take in the enormity of the situation Calum was in. To him, it all sounded so boring... all he really cared about was adventure, and the joy of going to new places. The two were walking through Pine City, looking at the different styles buildings that the place had. Few really caught the pair’s eye, however. Calum’s Eevee, now fully recovered from the battle, walked alongside him, as did Ryan’s Pikachu. Eevee’s pendant glinted in the sun, showering the eyes of any who looked at it with a kaleidoscope of colour. As the group passed through the marketplace of the town, this light show caught the attention of an elderly woman, who hastily called a curious Calum over in anguish.

“That pendant around your Eevee… how did he get that?” she inquired. Her tone was dangerously soft, as if she feared detection. Her amber eyes, almost crystalline in appearance, had a distinct tint of fear instilled in them – whatever she was hiding from Calum and Ryan, she was definitely unnerved by the presence of Eevee.

“Oh, that?” Calum remarked, surprised that someone was this nervous around it. “My Eevee had that when it came over here. Supposedly, he was separated from its family when he was younger because it came across that thing. It...” he paused, noting the elder’s soul-piercing stare that was urging him to proceed. “It’s meant to hold a power that could destroy the world… so his family sent him into exile for their own protection. Professor Willow eventually came across him, and he gave him to me as my starter pokémon. I’ve made it my mission to get him back to his family and find out about the power of the pendant… to work out WHY it was exiled in the first place.”

The arcane woman stood absolutely still as she listened to Calum’s tale, as if completely transfixed by his words. A hint of fear still in her eyes, she slowly lifted her hands up to the confounded trainer. “That’s a very good story young man. Indeed, your tale makes absolute sense. It looks like the prophecy has already begun... dark times, my friend. Dark times. The power of friendship may be enough however… if you’re truly determined to find out about the power that thing is meant to possess, I can guide you. But not out here – too many prying eyes...” The woman shuddered as she spoke those words. “If... you would... follow me.”

With what looked like a lot of difficulty, the enigmatic woman shuffled towards a rundown wooden shack in the corner of the street. Calum made a motion to stop her, his mind racing with potential question to ask someone who identified with his Eevee. The woman had already vanished however, moving with surprising quickness for her age. Eevee crept up to Calum apprehensively. Something didn’t quite feel right about this person to him...

“Eevee, I know you must be afraid with a thing like that on your shoulders,” the young man whispered, crouching down to comfort his juvenile starter. “But we have to find out the truth about that thing. And... like it or not, if this woman claims to know something about you and your duty, then we have to believe her.” Ryan quickly walked over, petting the troubled brown animal in a bid to calm his nerves. Calum smiled. “See? You have support here, from all of us. We’re in this together now, no matter what. So... let’s go learn about your jewellery, shall we?”

Thankful for having friends around him, the chocolate dog nodded in agreement. Calum smiled. “Then let’s get to it!”


“Glad you came after all,” the woman spoke, addressing Calum with a darkened tone. Even in her rundown home, she was still convinced the group were being spied upon... “Allow me to formally introduce myself. I am Azalea, one of the three keeper sisters. We live around the region of Foretta, guarding the long-kept secrets surrounding the power of the pendant your Eevee possess. Eons ago, a prophecy was written. It spoke of the time when one man travelled with his faithful companion, the one entrusted with the pendant, in a bid to unlock the secrets of the world itself... and it would appear that this legend is unfolding right before our eyes. Now, allow me to provide you with the little knowledge I possess regarding that item…”

“The pendant is called the Void Pendant. Long ago, when this region was first discovered, a nameless evil man with a great deal of power enslaved three legendary pokémon to create a force so great that the region of Foretta itself would be compelled to obey him. Using this power as a tool, this man ruled over all… for a time. The power to rule this region wasn’t enough for the greedy man, and he lusted for more. Many legends fell under his command, unable to withstand the growing force against them. Even the mightiest of deities, the very controllers of time and space, were no match for the man.”

Azalea sighed, her amber eyes welling up with bitter tears. “Of course, this isn’t how the story ends. The lust for supremacy displayed by this man became so great that he soon began seeking forces that he could never hope to control. Seeing the potential chaos that the nameless man could create should he master these unbound abilities, the pokémon of legends broke free of their shackles and rebelled. They pooled their collective powers together to create a massive rift in time and space – a dimensional prison from which there would be no escape. In this cell, the infinite power of chaos, born from the efforts of the legends, lay. The three legends that created the man’s strength in the first place then tricked him into setting foot into this void, tempting him with the power that he so desired. Without any hesitation, the man entered the rift, where he was sealed away for all eternity. The legends closed the rift by invoking the might of a pendant of their own creation… the same pendant your Eevee now holds.”

Calum and Eevee remained silent, eyes closed as they tried to take in the magnitude of Azalea’s words. She concluded her story with a final, stark warning.

“So, now you know the story of the pendant, and the prison it keeps sealed. In the wrong hands, that pendant could reopen the Void of Power... and Arceus only knows what is in there now, after millennia of endless torment. If the man is somehow still alive, he could potentially destroy the world as revenge for being trapped for so long!”

At this, Ryan couldn’t contain he emotions any longer. He HAD to voice his opinion on the matter, and Calum wasn’t quick enough to stop him.

“No way! That can’t be true!” he shouted, causing Pikachu to jerk her head in shock. She staring nervously at her master, fearing that his apparent anger might for some reason be directed at her. Azalea made no such motion. “There’s not a chance that Calum’s Eevee could hold the power to destroy the world!” Ryan’s mind couldn’t grasp the fact that this could indeed be true, and he was desperate to dispel the myth as a result. Calum sharply interrupted Ryan before he could say anything else.

“Quiet Ryan, you know that there’s a possibility of this. After all, notice how Eevee can’t take this pendant off?” Ryan made a motion as if to retort, but fell silent as the thought slipped his mind.

“Indeed…” Azalea commented solemnly. “I’m guessing that, since Eevee put on the pendant, he has become the guardian of it. There may be a way to remove the pendant though, and pass the task on to someone else. But this is all I know… one of my sisters will be able to shed more light on the situation. Melissa in Evergreen City should be able to tell you more – talk to her if you can.”

“Right, will do. Ryan, let’s get goi-”

Calum was unable to finish. Suddenly, a rough man in a dark green suit broke down the door to Azalea’s house. His blazer had a curled brown leaf embedded on it.

“Not so fast boy... hand over that Eevee, now!” he commanded, arrogance gushing out of every syllable he spoke. “Gloom, take it down!”
 
DNA said:
ROFL SHOOT
ROFL CRITIQUE GO!
(No, I don't feel sane.)

I'm sure this has been said already, but whenever you address someone in dialogue, there must be a comma before the person being addressed. I checked, and this is an "official" grammar rule in English.

Anyway, the description is indeed better (and I loved your part of the guide, btw); the battle, though simply objectively described via sensory details, takes the reader very well at the field. The amount is almost perfect as well; not too specific or jargon-laden, nor vastly broad and general like several of the other passages I've seen in this Writing Corner. All in all, it's a good improvement. However, I feel it's still not employed enough and you still redundantly tell of a few things outright when description along was enough, particularly with Matt's frustration:
Sure enough, Matt's temper was quickly flaring. Restraining his urge to smash his hand into the nearest pillar, he decided to convert his anger into a taunt instead.
Just kill the first sentence and the paragraph would instantly look better, because it's redundant; the sentence after does the job of the first via inference.

Something for you to chew on: continuity and consistency: you want to keep your details lined towards the same thing so that your story flows without holes. For example, there's the dangerous Toxic used on Eevee, but the suspense of the ticking time limit from the poison isn't exactly felt by the reader. Why? It's because that no detail is describing how the poison is eroding away the Eevee's health. Why did you not describe the most important thing keep Calum on his toes?

Just something for you to chew on. ^_^

Also, still can't get myself comfortable to abrupt Void Pendant thing, but I'm working on it.

Later,
~Zyflair
 
Hmm...'bout time I commented on this here fic, I warrant. *tips hat as a tumbleweed passes by*

Anyways, it's still a fairly young fic, and although you DO have the other version, I presume that it's preferred not to be read (like with old RQO). So, for now, I can really only comment on what you have here; it's plenty as is. Granted, Zyflair has beaten me to the punch quite a bit, so I'll mainly be reiterating stuff already said. Just as fair warning!

First off, I know I've said this before, but show, don't tell. The concept of showing is describing the situation in such a way that the reader feels like an invisible tagalong glued to the side of the main character- in this case, Calum. At times, we don't necessarily want to be glued 100%, yet it's difficult to maintain that perfect distancing from the character. It's a difficult concept to explain and even harder to do properly; I can't think of a single person, myself included, that can maintain that perfect distancing. However! That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Quoting from Zyflair, 'we like to be viewing the story from not only inside the minds of other people, but also their actions outside them, letting us judge their traits ourselves'. If you want to show how nervous a character is, give them a nervous trait. Have Cal crack his knuckles and flex his fingers in and out of a fist in tight times. Have him do something else. Have him squint his eyes in a fierce, intimidating way while a smirk crawls across his face. By gum, I know you can do stuff like that. I KNOW you're capable of that writing style. You've hinted to it time and again here! You just got to USE it, bro. Trust me. It'll make the story 100% more fun to read. ^^

Now, concerning the battles themselves, they are brilliant, yet lacking in detail again. Show the most notable things that one would see in the battle, such as the fire dancing off of Growlithe as it rushes forward. Describe the ground of the gym getting charred as it dashed forward. Describe random bits of earth and grass being upheaved from the powerful Quick Attack when Eevee uses it. Stuff like that may seem small, but in certain situations they can be used properly. For example, what would happen if Eevee attempted to get traction in a bog-like area to use Quick Attack as it normally had? I got a hilarious answer: it would shove its foot into the mud and trip from a sudden instability! I know we were talking about random move combos, but don't be afraid to exploit (be it purposeful or accidental...*coughcoughextremetreehackcough*) the surrounding scene as well for the battle. Just something to chew on.

Now, for something a bit more technical...silly mistakes are silly. Unless you're specifying a long number or a time of the day (dates can sometimes be exempt as well, depending on the situation...as in a diary), please, for all things holy, DO NOT type a number using the number itself. I caught a time when you used '2' (I think) in a situation where 'two' would have sufficed plenty well. I used to do it myself, but it just breaks up the continuity of all the words too abruptly. There were a few more silly, silly mistakes throughout what I read, but I can't name them now due to lack of time. >>' Regardless, if you can, take a moment to poke over the writing after you're done when you go in and edit tags.

Oh, something I personally found silly was the abundance of ! throughout the story. While ! can be great in exciting positions, it's almost used so much it seems to me it lost its purpose of making things exciting. Word choice is a simple and effective solution to the ! problem; I'll use the Starly attacking as a prime example here.

Calum had managed to run so far in his haste that he found himself in a large open field. “I’ve gone the wrong way… WHY didn’t I ask for directions before I left! Idiot…” he angrily swore at himself as he looked around, desperate to find someone who could tell him which direction to go. Then, out of nowhere, a Starly came and tackled him from behind! Calum fell to the floor in shock, then scrambled round and say the angry little bird readying another charge. “Great, just what I needed…” he thought. “What exactly have I done wrong here?”

...could be...

Calum had managed to run so far in his haste that he found himself in a large open field. “I’ve gone the wrong way… WHY didn’t I ask for directions before I left! Idiot…” he angrily swore at himself as he looked around, desperate to find someone who could tell him which direction to go.

BAM! Calum stumbled forward, giving a small yell of surprise as something collided with his back. What on Earth was that...?! he furiously thought to himself. As he turned around, he made out an angry, little grey-and-white bird readying another charge. It shrilly cried, eyes locked on the human with a death glare. Great, just what I needed… he grumbled to himself. What exactly have I done wrong here?

A new paragraph indicates the new, exciting thought of a wild Pokemon attacking him. As a matter of personal taste, I removed the quotations from his thoughts, given as that can typically be saved for some kind of creature using telepathy in the English language. The use of BAM! is one that should be used rarely as it is, but right here, it shows something very abrupt...something that would separate the two paragraphs nicely, considering the attack came seemingly OUTTA FREAKIN' NOWHERE. [/endbaconreference] It also shows that something went bump in the day, that being explained as Cal in the sentence immediately following thereafter.

Of course, that is just a matter of preference. Either way, separating the paragraph, on its own, would help that bit out a good bit.

By the way, it should be saw in that bit, not say. ;D Silly lil typo!

Regardless, the story is fairly solid as is, albeit barebone as it stands. Seems like the traditional journey fic with a small twist to it right now, but with the way that last chapter ended, I'm expecting that it will not stay that way for very long. I hope to heck it doesn't! The story in itself has a wonderful potential all its own. The idea of a real life cross-over always interests me, to be honest; I wonder when Cal will realize that he's kinda sorta stuck in the Pokemon World against his will, and that he cannot escape [begin corny here]HIS DESTINY OF SAVING THE REGI-NO THE ENTIRE POKEMON WORLD?!?![/end corny here] Will he ever return, mid-journey perhaps, for whatever reason? At all? What of his parents in the real world? Just how long does this entire process take? And, what of his friends? WILL CAL EVER LOSE A MATCH DUE TO HAX? How exactly is he being used? When will he realize that this is more than a game, provided he gets injured? These are just a few of the more obvious questions I can offer here. They can offer a lot of character growth in Cal, no matter what. It'd still be really wicked if the whole 'Pokemon World/Void Pendant' directly affected the game that he was in at that time, perhaps corrupting it into doing something wrong. Maybe that's going a bit too Digimon style into the thing, granted, but still something to think on.

Also, I'd like to see more of the Void Pendant in action. We know it hold untold powers locked into it by the godly legendaries itself, but if I don't see any action from it, I WILL sob. Life/battle-saving hax, please kay thanks. :3

Regardless, I guess we'll have to see how things span out here. Just remember to make things a touch more dramatic and intense with description at critical points (like the Toxic incident), and this'll do fine. ^^

Ahhhh, and there goes all my time to work on RQO for a little. Boooo. Ah well, another fic out of the way for now!
 
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