Writing No Bounds (PG-13)

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Uralya

*ponders everything*
Member
This is my story, my first non-Pokemon story, No Bounds. Let's begin...

Chapter 1-Another Jeremy Robinson: 2245 words
Chapter 2-Sepia Sight: 2149 words
Chapter 3-Mile-High Breakdown: 1862 words
Chapter 4-Surcharged Passion: 1657 words
Chapter 5-I've Always Had You: 1527 words
Chapter 6-Purgatory: 2185 words
Chapter 7-In progress



Chapter 1: Another Jeremy Robinson

In all honesty, that was a bad move. Who'd trust a psychic anyways? Especially one that can play tricks on your mind.

Those thoughts buzzed through the head of Josh Clayton, a sixteen year-old from Anaheim, California. He stood against the side of a circus tent, and a rather small one at that. This tent was no bigger than a CRV. Naturally, that would lead to the assumption that it didn't contain as many horrors as the mansions psychics of old used to use.

But this was a different kind of tent. Whenever Josh thought about it, he could sense an ominous practice going on in there. If there was any proof of that, it was late last year, in 2016. A psychic, not the one in the tent now, had turned a twenty year-old, Jeremy Robinson, mentally insane, so much that he'd rob a building of any sort whenever he could. It took around two months, along with weekly lockdowns in the schools, to finally surround him.

After his capture and purification, the practice of psychics was said to only be captured in full essence by servants of Hecate alone, the three-faced, ancient Greek goddess that was said to be the patron diety of witchcraft.

But, there was one problem. This incident wasn't witchcraft. It was none other than a greedy old woman, making an immature adult do her bidding.
***

"Sarah, come on out already! The fair's almost over!" Josh yelled into the tent, right where the impatience he had now should be. By this, he meant being in there, right in the face of the psychic and getting whatever old woman that was in there a lesson straight to her stomach. At that thought, his fist clenched, but a quick decision had to pull the thought out of him. Just thinking of the impression it would leave on Sarah made him shudder.

A muffled scream practically saying, "Seriously?! We were in the middle of something," was all that came out of the mysterious place. Josh shrugged, frowning at the same time, and slouched his way back against the tent back. The conversation that took place inside worked its way up again, but a well-cued chime-in cut Josh's attention from it.

"Still taking a long time? Figures. Those psychics always try to hold customers in for a long time. It's all for the money," a girl, in her late teens, had remarked. She wore a short T-shirt, all white, khakis that unfurled at the ankles, freestyle shoes and a facial expression that echoed, 'Here we go again,' at Josh. Her brunette hair, long enough to reach her midsection, swayed sideways in the brisk fall air, revealing three sets of gold hoop earrings lining her earlobes.

This was Abigaill Chambers, Josh's best friend from when he was five, back in the suburbs of Los Angeles. Their parents had decided to have the two marry in their twenties, as if to keep a family heritage going, but Abigaill decided against it and said they should just stay friends, so a premature love-life didn't get in the way of their dreams. Josh agreed by that pact, even though it wasn't written, and they have remained best friends throughout their teen years. Abigaill even persuaded her parents to move to Anaheim with Josh's family after they heard he was moving. Normally, Josh would've labeled the stunt pullled an act by a stalker or nymphomaniac, but he knew this was different. From the day they signed that pact, at only age six, eight for Abigaill, he knew she intended to stick by him for a long time, like good friends should. But they weren't good friends. Since they had agreed to it, they were best friends, no matter how long.

"Yeah, Abigaill. Sarah's taking forever," Josh sighed as he replied back. Abigaill had said it was routine, but obviously, he didn't quite understand it.

Abigaill smiled, trying to cheer him up. "Come on, Josh! Let's go play around," she offered him her hand, gladly accepted in a heartbeat. This was the Abigaill he knew: always trying to brighten the day. It worked every time.
***

"Wasn't that fun?" Abigaill cheerfully threw into the wind as they walked back towards the psychic's tent. She had had a fun time here.

Josh smiled, wincing at the same time as a result of lugging a three-foot stuffed panda around after she'd won a ring toss game. "Sure. Having fun times with you is a real treat."

Abigaill winked intently at that statement. "You bet. Josh, the reason I agreed to our little contract ten years ago was because of that bond you displayed just now. If you could say that to anyone, I think, he or she would automatically be your best friend. All those years back, that was what you showed to me. That's why I'm still with you, by your side, and holding your hand every step of the way. We care about each other, Josh, neither greater than the other. That, my friend, is a true bond."

Josh was bowled over. He'd never heard Abigaill say something so touching. His face tensed, and the flood of tears, tears of mirth, came shortly afterwards. He fell down, resting against Abigaill's stomach with his head, dropped the bear on the grass, and cried his heart out. "I know... Abigaill, you've just shown me a different side of you. You have sincerely touched me. And now, ten years later, I feel like the champion of the world, all because of that day..." He looked up at her smiling face, the face he'd seen for eleven years almost every day, and closed his eyes in an attempt to preserve her everlasting image within his brain.

A sudden nudge by the panda bear he'd been holding moments before, and a rather forceful one at that, interrupted his moment of serenity. He looked around in anger, but saw it was Abigaill that held the panda. She had a look of panic in her eyes. He wanted to ask what was going on, but as he followed the direction of her eyes, he was immmediately shown the answer. A dead man, about thirty in age, was face-down on the ground, blood streaming out of his backside from a knife-like wound. His white shirt, signaling he was a businessman, was covered in red smudges.

Abigaill kicked the dead man's side with her left foot. "Come on! We need to find Sarah, and quick," she dashed over him, and threw herself into the tent with the psychic, followed moments later by Josh. They looked around, cautiousness in their steps.

Josh looked down at once after he'd seen a blood splatter on the tent flap and nudged Abigaill over in his direction. She immediately backed off three steps. Another dead man, probably the psychic's butler by look of his tailcoat, lay on his back, another knife-implemented gouge on his breast.

Josh stood back up, raising his gaze at Abigaill, mouth almost spraining the jawline from exasperation, in utter horror. His mouth was all funny now, yet he could still talk in his normal way. "Quickly, Abigaill. It seems we've got ourselves another Jeremy Robinson."
***

Quick, hurdling footsteps blitzed down a small, grass-laden route of the carnival: that of Josh and Abigaill. The game hosts all were griefstricken- an obvious sign of his murderess, Sarah Lawton, going by- and were more than obliged to point the way out to them. More helpful even, a neatly carved line of footprints, with signs of a quick stride in them, had paved the way as well. As long as we have these to guide us, Josh thought, we'll be just fine.

"Josh, look! Sarah's prints split at the left," Abigaill threw out a tan-skinned arm to draw his attention, to perfect avail, as both of them turned straight into a brick wall. At the other side of the alley they were now on, there was Sarah. Her silhuoette was hard to make out, but still visible. She held a dripping knife in her palm, and a middle-aged man lay face-down on the concrete.

"S-Sarah?..." Josh tried to move forward to reason with the menace she'd become, but a stiffened arm grasped his shoulder in swift reaction. Abigaill, who was known for her quick timing, was the owner.

"Josh, you stay back. She's a predator," Abigaill harshly whispered, then flipped her hair to one side to clear way for her right eye. "Just look at that knife she's holding, and there's your proof."

Sarah turned around, a cold glare in her eyes, and stepped forward. "Josh," she whispered, her voice sounding like a puppeteer was controlling her. "Why did you come?"

Josh gulped, but his gaze turned serious in an instant. "What do you think, Sarah? Isn't it practice to keep the ones you love close and safe?"

Sarah's emotionless look turned into a condensed smile, her eyes still calculating the odds. "It is. But, the question is, can I keep my loved ones close as well?"

Josh's sense of seriousness was eradicated at that instant; she'd gotten to him, down to the bone. His face, flushed with paleness, just stared in sudden shock.

"That's up to you to decide, Sarah. If you truly love Josh, this is your big chance," Abigaill cut the silence short, catching Sarah offguard.

Now she'd gotten to Sarah. Her face droned of color the same way as Josh's did just moments before, but her composure maintained itself throughout.

"I love him, alright. Just enough to embrace him, body and all." Sarah's wretched glare had worked its way right back into view, and her feet started taking long strides towards Josh. Her knife now twisted around, curved edge towards him, mirroring the image of moribundancy they were now so close to witnessing first-hand.
***

Not trying anything, yet still maintaining her composure, Abigaill pulled Josh's limp body beside her and leaned him on the wall of the alley. "You stay, Josh," she then turned back to Sarah. "Sarah, what are you doing? We've known each other for two years, ever since you and Josh became friends, then taking it to the next step, but I remained by you two the whole time. We are inseperable. But now, what drives you these past minutes into an attempt to kill your two closest companions?"

"I abide by my master and nothing more. I do as she wishes," Sarah's bitonal voice echoed maliciously the Creed of the Psychics. There was the proof of Abigaill's point.

"Listen to yourself, Sarah! Break free! Because now, you're nothing more than a marionette in my eyes," Abigaill was herself shocked at this, but they still bellowed out, having the effectiveness of mace aimed at a caterpillar.

"Wha-," Sarah's bitonal voice withered away with the uttering of the word; Abigaill had struck home on this one. Her eyes teared up, her hand let go of the knife, falling with a clang to the concrete walkway, and her knees collapsed suddenly, letting her fall to the ground in sudden realization of what she'd done. Her hands started acting up and clasped her head like a tumor had just burst on the edge of her skull. She mumbled undecipherable sentences that might not have been sentences at all. Then her knees buckled together; her upper body released itself to the gravitational forces at work as she fell silently to the ground, but Abigaill caught her at the last second.

"That's the Sarah I know," she sighed with relief and stroked Sarah with her hand, trying to relieve her of the pain she'd been through.
***

"Thank you, Abigaill. I owe you one," Josh, icebag clasped to his head, smiled at Abigaill. An ambulance siren blared behind them; Sarah's unconscious self, lying on a cot, was being rolled into it.

"It's fine. I'm just glad you're both well," she let her joyous side take hold but reverted back to a more cocerned look. "Though, I'm not sure about Sarah. She had this bitonal voice, like she was a mind puppet, added when she was speaking. She even uttered a phrase from the Creed of the Psychics. That gives me the feeling this isn't the last of our encounters with her demon side."

Josh glanced at the ambulance. "Speaking of which, where will she go?" He hadn't though of this. "She's more or less a major threat at this point, so our houses are ruled out for sure."

"My guess would be a hospital. There are plenty here," Abigaill reminded him in her self-assuring way.

"Sorry to say, but that's a nigh impossibility, ma'am," a doctor who'd overheard the conversation chimed in. "The only hospital left in the U.S. is in Boston."

"That's halfway across the U.S.!" Josh exclaimed, panic entering his tone like water into a sponge. Abigaill's eyes too had the same look of shock in them.

"Then that's what we do," Abigaill planted her foot more into the ground. She stuck her hand out, clenched in a fist, and the favor was returned by Josh.

"Why?" Josh hadn't a clue of why he'd fist-bumped her anyways; their fists were still linked at the knuckles. He then noticed Abigaill's reassuring smile, and the splendor in her sky-blue eyes.

"Because," she spoke with a motivational tone. Josh was glad for this. Then, her eyes blinked at him cleanly. "In relationships, big or small, there are no bounds!"
***


Hope you enjoy it, ~AoH
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

All in all, a fairly good start. Though, there are a few edits I'd like to suggest right off the bat.

...a 16 sixteen-year-old...

Always write out numbers less than one-hundred. This is an issue I've had problems with myself and it's very easy to forget about. However, if you want your story to look as professional as possible, you should get in the habit of doing this. The only exception, as CH reminded me in Feral Twilight, are times of day, years and dates, and proper numbers as seen in makes/models of cars such as the Ford F-150 (an example from my own story, since that's the vehicle my main character in Feral Twilight drives) or even designated project numbers such as XD001 (or whatever Shadow Lugia's serial number was in Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness... It's been a few years since I last played it).

was, wasn't, other common verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs

This was something Zyflair pointed out to me when I first posted Feral Twilight here. Most people overlook it, but after he commented on it, I've kind of made it a point to tell people to try and work on sentence diversity a bit. Granted, this isn't a skill I've mastered myself, but it does help improve the quality of your story if you can learn to make light usage of common words. Then again, it's easily overlooked and a lot of us won't nitpick about them. I just wanted to point it out since it looks like you've got a bit of repeated usage here and there.

"Still taking a long time? Figures. Those psychics always try to hold customers in a longer amount of time. It's all for the money," a girl, about 18, had spoken up.

She wore a short T-shirt, all white, khakis that unfurled at the ankles, Marc Ecko flatshoes and a facial expression that echoed 'Here we go again' at Josh. Her brunette hair, long enough to be left unbraided or ponytailed, swayed sideways in the brisk fall air, revealing 3 sets of gold hoop earrings lining her earlobes.

This was Abigaill Chambers, Josh's best friend from when he was 5, back in the suburbs of Los Angeles. Their parents had decided to have the two marry in their twenties, as if to keep a family heritage going, but Abigaill decided against it and said they should just stay friends, so a premature love-life didn't get in the way of their dreams. Josh agreed by that pact, even though it wasn't written, and they have remained best friends throughout their teen years. Abigaill even persuaded her parents to move to Anaheim with Josh's family after they heard he was moving. Normally, Josh would've labeled that as an act only pulled by a stalker or someone with a real crush on him, but he knew this was different. From the day they signed that pact, at only age six, eight for Abigaill, he knew she intended to stick by him for a long time, like good friends should. But they weren't good friends. Since they had agreed to the pact, they were best friends, no matter how long.

Personally I find it helps to break up description from the narration and dialogue. Also, you'll note the bolded text. Just a suggestion, but little commentaries that aren't really dialogue should be put in-between apostrophes (sp?) instead.

"Yeah, Abigaill. Sarah's taking forever," Josh sighed as he replied back. Abigaill had said it was routine, but obviously, he didn't quiet understand it. Abigaill smiled, trying to cheer him up.

"Come on, Josh! Let's go play around," she offered him her hand, gladly accepted in a heartbeat. This was the Abigaill he knew: always trying to brighten the day. It worked every time.

***

"Wasn't that fun, Josh?" Abigaill cheerfully chattered as they walked back towards the psychic's tent. She had had a fun time here. Josh smiled, wincing at the same time as a result of lugging a 3-foot stuffed panda around after she'd won a ring toss game.

"Sure. Having fun times with you is one of my favorite parts of each day I see you, Abigaill." Abigaill winked intently at that statement.

"You bet. Josh, the reason I agreed to that pact 10 years ago was because of that bond you displayed just now. If you could say that to anyone, I think, they would automatically be your best friend. All those years back, that was what you showed to me. That's why I'm still with you, by your side, and holding your hand every step of the way. We care about each other, Josh, neither greater than the other. That, my friend, is a true bond."

Josh was bowled over. He'd never heard Abigaill say something so touching. His face tensed, and the flood of tears, tears of mirth, came shortly aftwards. He fell down, resting against Abigaill's stomach with his head, dropped the bear on the grass, and cried his heart out.

"I know... Abigaill, you've just shown me a different side of you. You have sincerely touched me. And now, 10 years later, I feel like the champion of the world, all because we signed that pact..." He looked up at her smiling face, the face he'd seen for 11 years almost every day, and closed his eyes in an attempt to preserve her everlasting image within his brain.

A sudden nudge by the panda bear, and a rather forceful one at that, interrupted his moment of sereness. He looked around in anger, but saw it was Abigaill that held the panda. She had a look of panic in her eyes. He wanted to ask what was going on, but as he followed the direction of her eyes, those sky-blue eyes, he was immmediately shown the answer. A dead man, about 30, was face-down on the ground, blood streaming out of his backside from a knife-like wound. His white shirt, signaling he was a businessman, was covered in red smudges.

Abigaill kicked his side with her Marc Ecko flatshoe.

"Come on! We need to find Sarah, and quick," she dashed towards the man, but lept over him, and threw herself into the tent with the psychic, followed moments later by Josh. They looked around, cautiousness in their steps.

Josh looked down at once after he'd seen a blood splatter on the tent flap and nudged Abigaill over in his direction. She immediately backed off three steps. Another dead man, probably the psychic's butler by look of his tailcoat, lay on his back, another knife-implemented gouge on his breast.

Josh stood back up, glaring at Abigaill in utter horror. His mouth was soaked dry, yet he could still talk in his normal way.

"Quickly, Abigaill. It seems we've got ourselves another Jeremy Robinson."

Likewise, you may want to go through and re-edit this so that the dialogue parts are paragraphs of their own. Also, I spotted a little typo there...you missed the 'i' in 'signaled.'

Other than those issue, it seems like you have a fairly good idea of where you're going with this. I'll try and get into some more detail as far as deeper mechanics go in terms of character development, enthralling narration, and advanced descriptive skills after you get the next chapter or two up.
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

Thanks, Apollo. I'm going back to edit the misplays. But, why would you have dialogue completely seperate from the (s)he said part? Haven't seen writing that does that yet.

Ch. 2 will be on its way. I'm taking a break fron Naranja anyways, so keep an eye out for it. ~AoH
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

Hmm... Sorry, I guess that was my mistake... But keep in mind that dialogue usually starts a paragraph or stands on its own. If you don't have words preceding it that state that it's something being said, then a sentence beforehand doesn't belong there. That's all I was trying to get at. Again, I apologize for any confusion.
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

That's okay. I've had plenty of that in the past. I'm just one of those abstract writers. To be honest, 1/2 of the works I read look like this in terms of where dialogue goes. Just jumpin' on the bandwagon if you ask me.
~AoH
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

I saw one typo:
You said
Josh was bowled over. He'd never heard Abigaill say something so touching. His face tensed, and the flood of tears, tears of mirth, came shortly afterwards.
. I saw this.
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

The regular quote option's down still, I think. If you want to quote something, you need to use quote-tags (that is, this '
' at the beginning of a statement you want to quote and the same one with a backslash or '/' before the word "quote" in the brackets at the end). Sorry for that inconvience, Dark Sonic J.
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

Saw something else
"Yeah, Abigaill. Sarah's taking forever," Josh sighed as he replied back. Abigaill had said it was routine, but obviously, he didn't quite understand it.
You made another typo
 
RE: No Bounds (PG(13ish))

Got those fixed. I might be writing 2 tonight, or tomorrow if I have time. Thanks for the responses, y'all.
~AoH
 
Okay. I've got time, so #2 is on.

Chapter 2: Sepia Sight

Josh lay back on a spring-mattress bed, his room to be precise, with the others around him. Abigaill stood closest to his computer, humming to herself, eyes closed. Sarah, woozy after a brief check in the ambulance, but having no signs of a reoccurance of the "Marionette Sarah", sat on the other side of Josh, staring at him. In the other corner, sitting in the computer chair, was Keegan Howell, an eighteen year-old that lived within the common neighborhood the four shared. He had a grayish turtleneck shirt, gray jeans, and worn-out Adidas shoes. His facial hair hadn't been trimmed in awhile, so you'd get the impression he's in his mid-twenties.

"So, Sarah. What's up? Are you feeling okay?" Josh perked up, leaning to his side in effort to make eye contact with her.

"I guess I'm okay. Do I look it?" Sarah's smittening for Josh was on once again, giving her voice a squealing approach to conversations; Abigaill made a coughing noise to try and cover it up.

"That's up to you, girl. You know what's best," Keegan came up out of a small daze suddenly. His usual lackidaisical approach to life was once again taking hold of him.

"Well, look who's out of Dreamland, folks," Abigaill folded her arms and leaned farther back on the wall, somewhat impressed with his effort to speak.

Sarah smiled at Keegan, then turned back to Josh. "True, Keegan. You always have answers."

Josh's eyes took a dreamy look at Sarah. That's why I'm here with you, Sarah. You sure know how to make me smile, he thought. Only four more years... Four more years...

Abigaill had seen his face clearly. Now she was in a sympathetic mood. Her mouth silently drizzled words like an air-flute, "You go, boy."
***

Josh's face then turned serious. "Okay. First course of action: Sarah," he turned right to her. "Do you remember the psychic in any way?"

Sarah thought for a few seconds. "Not much. I do know her name, though," she struggled on through the rest of the details. "Her name was Madison Rhodes. Seemed like a curly blonde, wore a purple robe, but that's about it."

Keegan rolled in the computer seat and opened a Window on the CPU. "That's good enough. All we need to do is search her name on the police file for registered psychics." He tapped a few buttons and clicks; within seconds, they were there. "Madison... Rhodes. Ahh, here we go."

Everyone glanced at the profile for Ms. Rhodes. A few quick thoughts were passed around before Josh looked at the criminal history record.

"Dang!! She's cleaner than a whistle!" Josh exclaimed in crazed shock. "You would've thought she'd at least been arrested for something if she can turn a fifteen year-old girl into a killing machine."

Abigaill's eyes spread in the same way, as did Sarah's. "You got screwed, angel," Abigaill patted Sarah's back behind the others. "She must really know what she's doing."

Sarah's mind then sprung an alarm. "Woah-woah-woah, guys. We're jumpin' the gun here. I need to get to a hospital in case Marionette Me comes back!" Sarah's thought had blown their racecars into flames before the checkered flag.

"The nearest, and only one in the U.S., is in Boston. We've got to plan a route," Abigaill crashed her fist on her flat-horizontal palm. "Keegan? Ideas?"

Keegan turned back to the monitor. "I'll use the map formulator. One sec," he opened a new tab and blitzingly fast typed the address in. "Anaheim... To Boston... And viola."

The route pictured showed a trip through the mountains of Utah and Colorado, the flat hills of Nebraska, and the cold cities of Philadelphia and New York, all on the way to Boston. The proposed path also ran through Missouri and Ohio.

Josh and Sarah replied in unison, "Great!" They immediately looked at each other, smiled together, then turned back to the monitor. Abigaill looked down, noticing their hands were locked together, and put a hand up.

"I'll drive," she demanded, whipping her brunette hair to the side. "For these two. I've also been to Nebraska." She pointed to the pair of teens to her left.

Keegan looked at her in an awkward way. "It's almost 7:00. You sure you want to go out this late and even hope to make it to Denver?"

Abigaill put a thumb up and winked. "I'll do my best."
***

As Josh hopped in the shotgun, Abigaill worked on Sarah. For fear of her marionette version coming back mid-way through the trip, they strapped her down by leather cuffs like those on a labotomy table to the backseat, just to be safe. Sarah agreed that it was for her own good, too.

"Good luck, guys," Keegan waved his hand at Josh. "I'll stay here and try to find out more on Ms. Rhodes here. That okay with you, Josh?"

Josh squinted in the dense sunlight through the side window. "If it's okay with my parents as well." Keegan's hand shot a thumbs up back. "Never mind!" he hollered.

Abigaill strapped herself into the driver's seat. "Don't worry about him, Josh. You know Keegan's reliable enough."

Josh sighed, head hung slightly down, then eyed Abigaill straight up. "It's not him, Abigaill. It's Sarah. I'm worried about her marionette self getting loose."

A creaking sound in the backseat, followed by a bloodthirsty gurgle, upset Josh's stomach tenfold. "Must... Kill... Capturers..." Sarah's bitonal, malicious voice echoed to the both of them.

Abigaill turned, seeing that the marionette Sarah was restrained firmly, then smirked like the bloodthirst she had was of no use. "About as likely as me getting another of these," she slowly said, pulling up her right bangs to show Sarah what she meant.

"How?" Sarah's brain grasped the sword wrong on this one. She was stumped.

"It ain't gonna happen," Abigaill replied, throwing a clenched fist straight to Sarah's midsection so speedy that Josh couldn't even see it. "Que pasa?" With that, she started up the Jeep they'd boarded, taking off down the street until they were out of Keegan's view.
***

"Coming up on the California border, Josh," Abigaill told him, keeping her eyes focused directly on the scores of cars dotting the interstate. Her expression seemed to ask not to ask questions, as her tongue stuck right out; folks Josh knew habitually did that upon extreme focus.

Josh looked into the backseat; Sarah's body, out cold courtesy of Abigaill's quick timing, lay there, still chained to the leather cushions beneath her. Her face seemed to just relax, peacefully, as if the marionette was just a fixture of Josh's imagination.

Josh's mouth went cracking, sympathetic on his girl. That peaceful face of hers, he thought, blankly staring at it, I could just fantasize on it for years. He knew it was a short time before they made up their minds on their future together. Four years, to be precise. His thoughts all swirled on that thought: being together with Sarah, the kids cheering, the hugs coming, and the loving everso the more, and it was all so close. Picturing it made Josh go into a sort of hypnotical trance on the spot, leaving Abigaill as the sole occupant still in reality.

"Josh, wake up! You're shotgun, darnit!" Abigaill shouted, throwing Josh straight out of his imaginary headphones and into the cruel world around them. "We've just gotten to within sight of Salt Lake City."

Josh rubbed his eyes, then spun his focus to Abigaill. "Where?" His dazed expression didn't help the matter at hand.

"Salt Lake City: The capital of Utah. Are you blind?" Abigaill stuck out an arm in front of his face, then pulled it back out of view. As Josh's eyes got accustomed to the dim sunlight engulfing the horizons like the fine silk of a cocoon threading around a caterpillar, his vision made out orange-colored buildings, skyscrapers even, all shaded by the crimson dusk, lining the horizontal land overlooking the Great Salt Lake. This, indeed, was Salt Lake City.

"I see," Josh faintly remarked, still getting his eyes into full-gear. "Are we crashing here for the night?"

Abigaill dropped her attention slightly as her eyes drifted upon Josh. "Looks like it," she sighed as the sentence rose out of her mouth like tea from a steaming teapot. "It's only 10:00 and I'm bushed. But, before we check in, we better get some food to eat. You starving, too?"

Josh looked down to his unusually thin midsection, put a hand to it for a second, then replied in an anxious voice, "I'm in."
***

Walking through the parking lot, Josh turned around to check upon the commotion wreaking from the Jeep, forcing him to walk backwards, catching Abigaill wrestling with the suspensions strapping Sarah to the backseat. In about five minutes, all was well, as Sarah, Abigaill, and Josh stood outside the entrance of a Cici's.

Josh walked up to the door and worked it open, holding it for the girls. "After you," Josh jokingly bowed to them and watched the two in. Sarah cracked a playful smile, all the while flirting, and threw a hand down in humorous spirits. Abigaill followed, joyfully watching the two do it. Josh followed them in, letting the door slip slowly back into the enclosure.

Inside, Cici's was brimming with life and festivities- something quite out-of-place at this hour, at least to Josh- as table upon table was being served by workers who, unlike most nightshifters, were in high spirits on the occasion.

As Josh passed the giant menu chalkboard, which was normally reserved for a Snooty Pig or other breakfast/early lunch restaurant, a bellhopper waitress cheerfully joined them on the walk to the buffet table.

"Pleasant evening, isn't it?" the waitress, now known to be Daphne, asked. "This place normally doesn't get this much business around now."

Abigaill eyed her on the spot. "Sure," she muttered in a controlled, intentional low voice. She seems awfully nice and in high spirits. A bit too much, if you ask me, she reckoned in silence. Something just seemed odd here. But, maybe it was just her.

Josh, now leaning on the buffet table counter, gazed at the wide variety of entrees present at the moment. Sarah joined in on the loitering hotspot as well, eyeing the delicacies with the same crazed hunger practically iced on her lips like a pig slaughter feast for the Crosby Kids.

Abigaill lingered near the tables, picking out a good one. She finally got one near a managerie of eye-candy-driven boys well into their twenties. To her, almost all of them looked too drunk to steer a bumper car. Uncomfortably sitting down, she immediately turned focus to the teens she was watching after.

Sarah soon rushed to their table with a boatload of salad and dressing, not to mention a plate of three tacoes. Josh came back carrying a twelve-slice, half-cheese, half-pepperoni pizza high above his head.

"Dinner's served," Josh echoed, slinging the plate lightly to the wood surface and sat down next to Sarah, and opposite to Abigaill. All three, Sarah taking attention off of her salad, chunked down slice after slice of the pizza while talking, the discussion at hand being high school rumors.
***

About an hour later, Abigaill finally finished the last ounce of the pizza slice she had held. "We've spent somewhat of a long time just eating. We've gotta start planning the hotel to stay at tonight. Ideas?" she dropped the idea on the table like an anvil.

Josh took a bit of time, putting his hand to his chin in thought. "You know, the Merriott might not be so bad. It's the cheapest one here that's not a bedbug hotspot."

Sarah stared at him upon that. "Good idea. I have a coupon for it right here," she added in, pulling it out of her back pocket for verification, though no one asked. Just for good measure, guys, she silently mouthed.

Josh then directed his attention on another matter. "What about those attractaholics over there? Behind you, Abigaill. What about them?" he pointed as he spoke, but to his amazement, no hair nor skin was visible.

Abigaill got up from her seat and walked around to check. "Probably under the table, checking out some photos of a-" she stopped midsentence, eyes wide in implied shock. "Well, they're under the table, alright. Look."

Josh walked over, then went into the same crazed look. The four men, one moment so lively, they were eyeing Sarah like Aphrodite had chosen her for each of them, were now dead. Their bodies, capsized in an apocalypse of blood and knife wounds, lay messily upon the diner floor.

Abigaill and Josh looked each other straight in the eyes. "Sarah," they relayed to the ears of one another in unison, then turned towards the other end of their own table.

Vacant, as expected.
***


Enjoy, and #3 is coming. ~AoH
 
Since you seem to really, really want reviews, here is a review of your first chapter. If you find it to be useful, maybe I will review the rest of the chapters as well.

In all honesty, that was a bad move. Who'd trust a psychic anyways? Especially one that can play tricks on your mind.
Those wacky psychics! Them and their playing tricks on minds.

Those thoughts buzzed through the head of Josh Clayton, a sixteen year-old from Anaheim, California.
Remember this. There will be a test at the end of the chapter.

This tent was no more the size of a Nissan X-Terra.
Ignoring the odd construction of this sentence ('no more the size'?), I don't know what a Nissan X-Terra is, and I'm far too lazy to look one up just for some description. Avoid describing things in this manner! There are many people who do not care about cars, especially people who read stories on internet forums.

But this was a different kind of tent.
Is this an innuendo?

A psychic, not the one in the tent now, had turned a twenty year-old, Jeremy Robinson, mentally insane, so much that he'd rob a house whenever he could. It took around two months, along with weekly lockdowns in the schools, to finally surround him.
If he only robs houses, why did the schools go into lockdown? A school is not a house. 'Building' might have been a better word choice, as it doesn't invalidate the last part of this.

After his capture, and purification, in addition to, the practice of psychics was said to only be captured in full essence by servants of Hecate alone, the three-faced, ancient Greek goddess that was said to be the patron diety of witchcraft.
Wanton cruelty to the common comma. Commas are your friends; they are not to be abused. Do not just stick 'em in anywhere you think that they might be needed. While it's true that it's hard to overuse the comma, you seem to have still found a way to do so. And because of that, this sentence makes almost no sense whatsoever.

But, there was one problem. This incident wasn't witchcraft. It was none other than a greedy old woman, making an immature adult do her bidding.
...the plot thickens?

"Sarah, come on out already! The fair's almost over!" Josh yelled into the tent, right where the impatience he had now should be.
I...what? 'The impatience he had now'? That doesn't make any sense!

"Seriously?! We were in the middle of something," was all that came out of the supposed reply.
What supposed reply? What does that even mean? Did you mean 'tent'? Were you writing 'supposed tent' for some reason and your hand slipped?

but a sudden speak up cut Josh's attention from it.
Another little bit that makes no grammatical sense. Try to read sentences out loud after you write them (or better yet, while you write them). This way, you can avoid such awkward sentence construction.

"Still taking a long time? Figures. Those psychics always try to hold customers in a longer amount of time. It's all for the money," a girl, about eighteen, had spoken up.
'In a longer amount of time' doesn't really make much sense either. 'For' should probably be swapped in for 'in'. Unless you mean that the psychic is trying to hold the customers in – as in, 'in their tent' – for a longer amount of time, which is kind of a strange expression.

While I'm at it, we already know that the girl spoke up. That was mentioned at the end of the previous paragraph. We didn't know it was a girl, but we did know that whoever it was had spoken up. You don't need to repeat that bit.

And finally, most people cannot tell a person's age just by looking at them. You could say 'about eighteen' or 'in her late teens'; both of those would be much less odd.

Unless this is foreshadowing that he is stalking her.

Marc Ecko unlimiteds
I don't know what that means.

Her brunette hair, long enough to be left unbraided or ponytailed, swayed sideways in the brisk fall air, revealing three sets of gold hoop earrings lining her earlobes.
Purple prose alert! I do not care that the autumn air is brisk. I do not care what kinds of hairstyles her hair length lends itself to. Description is fine. It is an okay thing. But don't get carried away.

Google says: Showing results for abigail. Search instead for abigaill

Normally, Josh would've labeled that as an act only pulled by a stalker or someone with a real crush on him, but he knew this was different.
This is an awkward sentence. Try saying it out loud.

"Yeah, Abigaill. Sarah's taking forever," Josh sighed as he replied back. Abigaill had said it was routine, but obviously, he didn't quite understand it.
You don't need to say that he is replying back. We already know that that is how replies work. The back part is completely unnecessary. Also, it's a little strange that he said Abigaill's name in his response. That's not how regular people talk.

Abigaill smiled, trying to cheer him up. "Come on, Josh! Let's go play around," she offered him her hand, gladly accepted in a heartbeat. This was the Abigaill he knew: always trying to brighten the day. It worked every time.
Um.

"Wasn't that fun, Josh?" Abigaill cheerfully chattered as they walked back towards the psychic's tent. She had had a fun time here.
I don't know if it still needs to be said, but you should say sentences out loud while you write them.

Also, while I appreciate the alliteration, it feels a bit out of place.

"Sure. Having fun times with you is one of my favorite parts of each day I see you, Abigaill."
I've decided that Josh is a robot. Only robots talk like he does.

Josh was bowled over. He'd never heard Abigaill say something so touching. His face tensed, and the flood of tears, tears of mirth, came shortly afterwards.
'Tears of mirth' might be my new favorite line ever in a story ever.

Also, sounds like Abigaill...got a strike. YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

...that was a bowling joke. Because he is bowled over.

"I know... Abigaill, you've just shown me a different side of you. You have sincerely touched me. And now, ten years later, I feel like the champion of the world, all because we signed that pact..."
“Yup, I'm sure glad about that pact. We signed that pact many years ago, when it was decided that we needed a pact to keep out pact from pact pact pact pact PACT PACT PACT PACT PACT PACT PACT PACT PACT

A sudden nudge by the panda bear, and a rather forceful one at that, interrupted his moment of sereness.
I think I missed where the panda bear was introduced. Unless he's a plot hole, but I'm thinking that I just saw too much description and skipped it.

Also, 'sereness' is not a word. The word you are thinking of is 'serenity'. You know, like the ship in Firefly.

those sky-blue eyes
There are no words to describe how little I care about Abigaill's eyes.

A dead man, about thirty in age, was face-down on the ground, blood streaming out of his backside from a knife-like wound. His white shirt, signaling he was a businessman, was covered in red smudges.
This part was actually written okay. Good job!

Abigaill kicked his side with her left foot.
I laughed out loud at this sentence. That Abigaill, kicking dead people!

Josh stood back up, glaring at Abigaill in utter horror. His mouth was soaked dry, yet he could still talk in his normal way. "Quickly, Abigaill. It seems we've got ourselves another Jeremy Robinson."
NO NOT JEREMY ROBINSON...I'm sorry, I couldn't take this part seriously at all. Also, I don't typically glare at people when horrified about something. Maybe if they were the ones who did it. Like, if a friend of mine kicked a puppy or something. Then I would glare at them, with a little bit of horror behind the glare. But not really.
 
I see what you mean. Going back to edit some now. Thanks.

I was going to #5 today, but the times a bit too late for a whole chapter. It might come though, so keep eyes peeled.
EDIT: Then again, it's CSI night. 5 tomorrow.

~AoH
 
I'll be finishing #5 on paper tomorrow and be typing it tomorrow as well, now that I have no school today and tomorrow. This is just a notice.
If no one posts after this, I'll edit the chapter here.
EDIT: Didn't have time to type today, but there's no school Thursday, so I can write then. Check later.
~AoH
 
And now, #3. Please, people.

Chapter 3: Mile-High Breakdown

BRRRRIIINNNGGGgg... Josh's glum, sleepy look was suddenly torched off his face like wildfire on an arid plain. Jolting awake, he spied Abigaill, asleep on the cot opposite him, and immediately remembered what had gone on the night before.

He remembered the trip to Cici's, the unhooking of Sarah, and the dinner. Then his mind shedded light on the unfortunate parts: the four dead, mentally wrong men, Marionette Sarah's escape, and the hold-out they had to initiate by cramming into a hotel at 12:30 because the search hadn't gone anywhere. Now, they were sitting ducks in a Merriott in Salt Lake City. Perfect, isn't it?

Abigaill, rolling in her sheets moments prior, was now up and about, going like an automated lawnmower. She had opened the blinds to the windows, collected their suitcase spreadings, and made the beds in just a few minutes. Josh had seen this at home in Anaheim, but this time, she was berserk.

"What's the time?" Josh threw his arms out in a stretch motion and went back to gazing upon Abigaill and her upbeat personality. She had just pointed upon the clock when it dawned on him: 10:00 AM. That's pretty late for Josh, maybe even Abigaill, but why would he care? He isn't a stalker.

Abigaill, throwing her hoops back into their holes beneath her bangs, was now sitting next to him. "You ready?"

"Just about. Sarah means as much to me as you do, and that is sayin' something," Josh replied, putting on his shoes in the meantime. He jumped up from the bed and went to his suitcase, rummaging through to make sure all was present.

Abigaill, having gotten up from it also, picked up hers and opened the door of the room, stari ng at him in monotonal fashion as if to say, "Hurry up!" She made a flustered neighing sound once, and Josh was up and ready.

"So, want to pick up a drink to go?" Josh offered in his waiter play-voice; Abigaill's low chuckle emitted in return. At the cooler, both stood as if waiting for a photo shoot to occur. Head high in thought, Josh took a moment to decide.

Abigaill tossed her dollar into the machine. "Coke. Easy choice," she nihilistically remarked, popping the cap off and into the recycling bin conveniently located at her side.

"Hmm... and a Pepsi for me," Josh flipped his in, and the can came klanging down the dispenser. Taking it out, he noticed Abigaill was already done with her drink. "Okay, how'd you do that?"

Abigaill shrugged playfully, then made her smug smile show. "I don't know. Magic, perhaps?" Josh laughed and patted her on the back at that uttering.

As they walked out to the Jeep, worried looks came about their faces; it seemed that they'd run into a "moodfield"... as Sarah had said.

Hopping into the shotgun, Josh pulled shut the door and strapped himself in. He then turned his attention into he backseat. Amazingly, he smiled the craziest smile yet.

Abigaill, looking at Josh as if he'd gone insane with joy, asked doubtedly, "What? Is Sarah back there?" She heavily disregarded her own notion, but at Josh's turning head, she saw the unthinkable in his eyes. Reflected in his corneas, she could see Sarah, unconscious and peaceful as an angel, lying down in the back. She was even strapped.

"Awesome," Josh, still ecstatic with joy and relief, exasperatingly whispered. It was probably not to wake her from slumber.

Abigaill connected her palm to her forehead and pulled her hair back in unexpurgated relief. "Thank the lord, high and mighty, so as to ascend and take her body as to resurrect our spirits. Having made our conscious state into a state of mirth in one fell swoop, shall he descend to Earth, present to us to be seen by eyes of mortals, who as grateful as can be, be bestowed the highest degree of greivance relief known to the universe. And in return, let us bestow upon you, the almighty king of reprieve, the gift of gratitude," she uttered. Even though it wasn't directly from the bible, every word, to Josh, sounded like it was a prophet's.

"...Amen," Josh finished, as Abigaill cranked the engine of the vehicle and took to the road ahead.
***

Gliding along an interstate, the Jeep was going 70 mph on an open prairie. Josh could see dozens of farms sprawling the vast countryside, some with the owners at work at the moment, others vacant or just unattended because the farmers had gone to market. Still, there were no signs of civilization save the farms aformentioned and the couple dozen cars around them.

"Abigaill, exactly where are we?" Josh asked, half-dazed, half-daydreaming.

Abigaill didn't take her focus from the road, but had enough attention left to answer, "About halfway between Salt Lake City and Denver. Closest city is Grant, Colorado, in about 15 miles."

Sighing, Josh dozed off and slumped his head on the front of the seat. "Wake me up when we get there..."

Shrugging, Abigaill responded, "Okay. Just be prepared for a rude awakening."

With that, Josh began to shut his eyes... and was jerked back awake.

Shaking his head in confusion, Josh looked up to see an colossal white airbag stifle his speech completely with a jaw-rattling thump. He could smell smoke however, and could immediately tell someone or something had crashed into them.

"Josh, we just crashed. Some blockhead just ran straight into us." Josh could hear Abigaill's muffled voice beyond his sealed head. All he could do was mutter "Mmmhmm..." back.

He felt a tug on the shoulders and with a skin-pulling rip, was thrown back in his seat. He touched his face instinctively and looked behind him to see who'd pulled him free. No one. He looked sideways; someone.

But it wasn't Sarah or Abigaill.
***

Shivering, Josh put on a blanket offered by the stranger, sitting down on the car seat in weather distress. Abigaill was on the grass in front of him, talking with her.

The stranger couldn't be anymore than seventeen. Her straight blonde hair, which resembled Abigaill's in style save color, woldn't allow it. Unfazed by the cold, she wore a camo-green tee, blue, baggy shorts, and brown hiking boots. Her skin was remarkably similar to Josh's, but he didn't know her from anywhere.

Beside him, in the backseat of the Jeep, Sarah sat. He was amazed, but it was pretty understandable that the crash had broken her bondings upon the forward thrust that had jerked Josh awake. She was straightening her shirt, then flung her bangs back to rid her eyes of disturbance.

As Abigaill and the other girl sat down on the grass to continue chatting, Josh climbed into the backseat and snuck up on Sarah, just for amusement.

"Ooooohhhh...." a willowy whisper echoed past Sarah, and she reactively swung a hand at her back. When her head turned to find Josh clutching his cheek with one hand, yet still smiling, she regained calmness.

"Josh, we're in the middle of nowhere. Is that really necessary?" Sarah questioned.

Josh looked at her with his right eye, grinning with his smug look. "It is if one wants it to be," he chuckled, then put both of his hands upon Sarah's shoulders. "How'd you get back in the Jeep?"

Sarah smiled crookedly to one side, embracing the awkward question at hand. "Umm," she started. "I don't remember. All I do is that a crash woke me up. I know it's not entirely an answer, but take it or leave it."

Josh half-guessed a result similar to that. Wondering if that was a turn for the best or worst, he got up from the seat. "Be right back, Sarah," he told her with an easy tone, unlocking the side door and coming over to Abigaill's spot on the grass.

"Oh, Josh. I'd like you to meet Katie," Abigaill threw a hand out, pointing at the stranger. Katie had this sweet feel to her, Josh thought, as everything from today's crash was wiped clean from his mind.

Katie smiled upon the moment, putting up a hand in salutation. "Hello," she uttered. Josh thought she seemed to think they were already kindred spirits. By the way she was acting, he couldn't be more correct.

"So, Katie. Why are you stopping by us? Even after you see that we're stranded on the side of the road," Josh asked, half-expecting her to be the one who swerved them off the road to begin with.

Katie put her hands back into a fold on her lap. "I was walking along the side of the road and saw the crash happen. It just made sense that I check on you." She seemed to know where this was headed.

Josh wondered for a moment, then asked, "What about the other driver?" He felt it'd be just if she'd taken a look on him or her too.

Abigaill chimed in next, stating matter-of-factly, "He packed up and left earlier. Saw that his car was just fine. Figures though; Ford F150s usually are." She looked at Katie in precise focus. "What're you going to do, though? Fix our car?"

Katie seemed shocked in a sense. "Well, I guess you could put it that way. That's exactly what I plan to do," she excitedly chattered, pulling a wrench out of her pocket mid-sentence. "I've had years of practice thanks to my dad."

Josh, relieved they'd found a repairman, or in this case a repairwoman, walked back to Sarah, this time in front of her. "Mind if I sit here?" he asked, and Sarah scooted over a couple inches to make room. Now, they were side by side on a car seat. Together.

Sarah stroked Josh's arm instinctively. "Seems like a good place for a car repair, doesn't it?" she mumbled soothingly, leaning her head on his arm.

Josh threw an arm up and circled it around Sarah's neck. "Sure is. And to top it all off, we get to see a sunset, too." He pointed lightly to the horizon, where a crimson halo blared across the clouds splattered among the blue skies. They both let their mouths raise up at the corners, eyes close into light squints, and Josh rubbed Sarah into a soothed REM slumber.

Abigaill, peeking from the hood, noticed the two at once. "Now that she's off in Dreamyland, why don't we buckle her in?"

At once, Josh threw his left arm out. "It'll take awhile for the repair. Just let me keep on soothing her so she'll- Ow!" Sarah had pinched him on the cheek because he had stopped rubbing. "See?" he whispered, then started up the hand on her back again.

Katie looked up at Abigaill, netting her gaze instantly. "The carburetor's a bit jumbled. Same with the jumper cables: all wound up in the pipes. Probably going to take about an hour. Say, in the meanwhile, you wanna take a short rest? Gonna need some awareness for the ride later," she suggested, busy untying the cables from a fastener net.

Josh and Abigaill replied in unison, "Fine by me."

But only Josh got a pinch.
***

Enjoy, #4 soon, ~AoH
 
Its really nice. I didn't see any errors and the storyline is nice! Keep this up!
 
For the record, I have been reading this a little bit every couple nights, but I haven't had a chance to make up a worthwhile critique (that, and my main internet access just being my phone right now pretty much kills my ability to point out any serious issues in terms of writing mechanics and grammatical errors since I can't copy and paste things like I'd need to in order to do quotes). Besides, if anyone has the right to complain about not having comments on his work, it's me. Take a quick glance at Feral Twilight and you'll see I haven't had a real comment in months (since aggiegwyn last commented, if I recall), yet I still keep it somewhat active on the off chance someone will. Also, I previously had a poll on it asking what people they thought of my fake Pokemon and how well I was using them (I had mixed responses, but still...). My point is that just because people aren't commenting on your story regularly doesn't mean they're not enjoying it. Have some more patience, okay? You're doing better than a lot of people usually do here!
 
Thanks both of you.

Apollo, you're definitely right. I just expect readers to at least give feedback. I'll back off from now on. Heh...

I'll add a poll, credit to you, and I'm only faring better because I've had two years worth of stories before now. Had this one been my 1st, it'd be a new PiT. (You can find that story on the PokeGym.)

I'll be working on 6 in the next few days, so it should be up in the next week. I won't be expecting replies, nor should I be rushing them as Apollo said, but they're more than welcome.
~AoH
 
And you're not the only one with a lot of writing experience under his belt either. I've been writing since my senior year of high school, with several years of schooling to follow (including a couple really intense College level English class). I didn't even start posting my works online until October 2007 (well, February 2007 first, but the initial works I put up on Serebii were anything but glamorous). Since then, it seems like I always go back and make some sort of drastic revisions to my work every couple months...(sadly, I still have yet to finish any of my stories that weren't one-shots). Still, a lot of people can get pretty belligerent when you start mouthing off, so try not to get into the habit of it (especially if Crystal Hikara returns because she can get especially mean when you irk her, though I only saw that once).

In any case, just keep going at your own pace. Nobody completely ignores stories like these. It's just a matter of having patience, and knowing when to give a gentle nudge.
 
Got it. I'll be updating every couple of days, though. 6 is on paper, so I could be doing it tomorrow. Who knows?
~AoH
 
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