Writing Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of the Unknown

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Ziggoratt999

Ziggoratt999

Dragon of the Darkness Flame
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Prologue​

Love.
A common enough word, in itself. Yet few understand its true meaning. Few understand what it means to live ones life to the beating of anothers heart, to be ready to give anything and everything for them at a moments notice. All this I realized in an instant. How could I have been blind to it before? I loved Hannah, more than I could ever have imagined. It was time for me to make a choice. Either she died, or I did.
In the end, it was the simplest choice in the world...


Chapter One​
The first thing I am aware of is the darkness surrounding me. No matter where I look, all I can see is the empty, endless darkness, stretching out ahead of me like a veil. I try to walk forward, but quickly find it impossible. Where am I...? I think. WHO am I...? I gently push these thoughts aside, and relax once more. What does it matter? Thoughts are senseless and painful... Just sink into the darkness... The gentle, cooling darkness... A quiet buzzing breaks through the clarity of my mind. I turn towards it. What is this sound that so shattered the darkness? Curious, I listen closer, trying to make out what it is...
"Hello? Are you okay? C'mon, wake up..."
Wake up? But... I am awake...
Aren't I?

Groaning, I slowly opened my eyes.
"Wha...?"
"Oh, I'm so glad you're okay!"
I slowly turned towards the speaker, gasping in awe as I took my first glimpse of her. It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, for it was indeed the only one I could remember. This Chikorita, gazing down at me with concern in her deep, chocolate-colored eyes, somehow managed to capture all of my attention at once. Was it the golden glow that the sunset cast upon her, or the shimmering drops of dew that had gathered upon the leaf on her head? Was it the way the sand seemed to reflect the sun's light onto her beautiful body, or the bubbles, dancing through the air behind her?
"Um... Hello? You are awake, right?"
Her beautiful, angellic voice seemed to flow through me, like the gentlest of rivers. I quickly got to my feet, stammering a bit.
"Um... Y-yeah," I managed to say.
"That's fantastic!" She exclaimed, nearly taking my breath away yet again. Sudden realization hit me... I had missed something... Something that I had been foolishly oblivious to.
"W-wait," I stammered. "You.. Talked..!"
"Um... Yeah, so did you. Your point?"
"But... You're a pokemon!"
"... I honestly don't get where you're going with this..."
"If you're a pokemon, how are you talking?!"
"... The same way you are..."
"What are you talking abou-"
I suddenly gasped as I caught a glimpse of my hands... Or paws. I did a double take, quickly looking myself over. ... Oh my god... I thought. I'm an Eevee...!
I felt a sudden weakness in my knees, and the world started spinning around me. Suddenly, I felt two gentle, carressing hands lowering me to the ground. I looked to see the Chikorita, slowly lying me on my side.
"That's it..." She murmured soothingly. "Easy now..."
She started stroking my side soothingly. "My name's Hannah... What's yours?"
My.. name...? I thought. Do I even HAVE a name...? I frowned, trying desperately to remember... Wait... There! That was it! My name was...
"Garret... I'm Garret..."
She smiled down at me, still stroking my side. "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Garret..."
I just nodded feebly. "Same here..." I muttered. She tilted her head, curiosity in her eyes.
"Are you okay?" She asked, placing her paw on my forhead. "You seem a little... Off..."
"... I'm fine, its just... I think... Nevermind, it's stupid..."
"Oh, c'mon... Just tell me... Please?"
I sighed. I might as well tell her... Maybe She'll believe me... "... I'm a human..."
She just stared at me blankly. ".... Huh???"
I nodded. "Yes, I'm a human... I don't know how I got here, or why I'm an Eevee, but I am human..."
 
Hannah could only stare at me, mouth gaping. "But... You're... You're not a human, Garret... You're an Eevee... See...?"
"I know that's what I look like on the outside... But I was a human. I know it sounds insane, but... It's true..."
Before she could say another word, two more pokemon approached us: A Koffing and a Zubat, each grinning mischievously. They seemed nervous, yet anxious... But for what I couldn't tell.
"Hey, you," the Koffing grunted, looking at Hannah. "You've got something we want."
"Um... Something you want...?" Asked Hannah, tilting her head. "What are you talking about?"
The Zubat cackled a bit. "Your treasure, of course!"
Hannah took a step back, fear engulfing her features. "You... You know about my treasure...?" She whispered.
I watched this scene unfold, baffled as to its meaning. Treasure...? What treasure?
The Koffing floated forward, leaking a bit of its foul-smelling gas. I groaned a bit, quickly covering my nose. "Hand it over, wimp." He barked, glaring at Hannah. She took another step back, whimpering to herself.
"P-please..." She begged. "My treasure is all I have... It's the only thing that gives me courage... Please, don't take it..."
"Too bad." The Koffing lurched forward at her, puffing itself up, getting ready to tackle her...
"ENOUGH!!!" I screamed, slamming myself into the Koffing. He stared at me, shocked, and I glared right back. "Leave Hannah ALONE!"
The Zubat started circling above my head, a savage look on its near-featureless face. "Don't interfere in someone else's business, kid..."
 
I was going to reply to this earlier, but then you posted another chapter. I'll get around to the next chapter in a bit, but when I saw this I knew I had to at least say something.

I've noticed that the key to PMD-style fics is to not be too cliché. The vast majority of PMD fics involve a human suddenly transforming into a Pokemon. I know that that is the plot of the PMD games, but it seems too common and almost too forced. So if that's the only option, the object is to not make it appear cliché. Have at least a decent bit of backstory before jumping right into it.

Aside from that, I noticed in just the prologue alone there were several grammatical errors. For example, the phrase is "in and of itself", and many words were missing apostrophes (one's, another's, moment's), because they're in the possessive.

And then you don't really use a lot of descriptive language. You did use some to kick the story off, but when the dialogue starts, it all but ceases. You could have something like,

"Oh, I'm so glad you're okay!"
I was greeted by a voice as I awoke from my murky slumber. I slowly turned toward the speaker... [etc]

...and you could do that throughout the dialogue. Descriptive language is the key to good fan fiction. For example...where are the Eevee and Chikorita? What is the atmosphere like? Are there any strange smells? How exactly can you paint the scene? Take what you see in your mind, and then put that into words so that the reader can form an accurate picture.

I'm not trying to just beat up on your fanfic; I'm here to help you improve your writing. If you take my suggestions your writing will probably be all the better for it.
 
Thank you for that comment, I truly appreciate it. In all honesty, I knew that it had many grammatical errors, I just didn't have time to edit them out. I wrote th is when I was in bed, supposedly sleeping... I'll fix them when I have the time. Once again, thank you.
 
I just read through the second chapter, and I see that...it just basically seems to be a re-telling of the PMD2 plot, and not a lot of major deviations - just the changing of the names of the protagonists.
This new installment (since I think it's too short to be considered a chapter) is a lot like the first one...it flows a bit too quickly, and there isn't much action besides the dialogue. I know it's a lot like the PMD2 plot, and I know they have pictures to use in lieu of words, but fanfiction doesn't really have that, so it's the job of the author to paint the scene. e.g.:

"The setting sun shone softly on the water's edge, illuminating the sand in a dim red glow. The ebb and flow of the tides created a rhythmic pleasing sound, which would put anyone at peace..."

^I'm not saying to use that, but that's just an example.

And in regards to dialogue, quotations usually belong on their own line, and unless it's a new sentence, the next letter should be lowercase, e.g.:

Hannah took a step back, fear engulfing her features.
"You... You know about my treasure...?" she whispered.
I watched this scene unfold, baffled as to its meaning. Treasure...? What treasure? The Koffing floated forward, leaking a bit of its foul-smelling gas. I groaned a bit, quickly covering my nose.
"Hand it over, wimp," he barked, glaring at Hannah. She took another step back, whimpering to herself.
"P-please..." she begged. "My treasure is all I have... It's the only thing that gives me courage... Please, don't take it..."
"Too bad."
The Koffing lurched forward at her, puffing itself up, getting ready to tackle her...
"ENOUGH!!!" I screamed, slamming myself...
Click to expand...

I'm kinda guessing you're new to writing...? If that's the case (or even if it isn't), I'll be here to help you.
 
It is going to be very much like the storyline to PMD2. In fact, that's what it's based on... It's just my own retelling of it. And you're right, I don't write very often... I usually just don't have the time.
 
I understand, then.
@helloword:
If I know my plot, it's the Relic Fragment.
 
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