Pokemon Mystery dungeon :Explorers of Yin and Yang

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Shadic

Finn and Fiona the human
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Pokemon Mystery dungeon :Explorers of Yin and Yang

I put some work into this so please give me feed back, thank you.

Chapter 1: Guild

In a void that looked like space a small Scraggy fell from the sky. “Where, where I am I?” The little Scraggy was siting but as seemed nothing but the background of space was able to be seen on the floor as if the floor was invisible. A ripple in the background showed an Oshowatt and Scraggy flying for some reason, the Oshwatt was using Razor shell and the Scraggy using Brick Break. They were heading towards A Reshiram and Zekerom. “What the?”, the Scraggy started to move back in shock. Like a cliff the floor had an end, because scraggy was moving backwards in shock he fell.

“AHHHHHHH!’ Scraggy woke up in his bed, it was hyperventilating in fear. “Son are you okay Shadic”, Shadic’s Mom said. “Yeah it was just a nightmare I had.” Shadic’s home was 1 floor underground but with windows to have light, at night, if needed lite Mr. Litwik would come help. “Some nightmare, you were tossing and turning all night.” Shadic’s mom took Shadic’s bed sheets and folded them. “Well I’ll be going to the living room now”, Scraggy said as he was walking down the hall.

“Hey Son! Ready for breakfast “, Scraggy Dad Said. The headbutted each other, as a sign of greeting every morning. “Hey Dad, I’ve been thinking”, Scraggy played around with his food as he was talking. “Thinking about what?” “Well…. I want to join the guild in an exploration team!” Shadic lifted himself from the table. “Like Riolu and Driftoon!” Shadic said.

“Oh, sure let’s what that can do for you, speaking of Riolu, he send you a letter yesterday night from his guild.” Shadic rushed to a box that had an envelop carved on it made from rock, they was a big rectangular space in the center of it to take mail and a space on top to drop mail if the space was closed, each family member had one. Shadic started looking for his letter in his Box. “Junk….Junk…..Oh! ah no, it’s junk…..ahah!” He pulled out the letter then opened it.

Dear Shadic

“Long time since I’ve sent you a letter hasn’t it? Any way I want to tell you that I might be visiting you guys again. If I do this would be great for the both of us, we got a lot of catching up to do. So what’s happening at your home? Once you reply please tell me if you’re going to be in your guild as exploration team member. If you already are congratulations and I want to hear all about your official explorations if you have done any. Tell your mom and Dad I said hi. So recently my partner Driftoon has become I’ll. If you have any advice for her would be great. Wish me luck Shadic at the big exploration am going on!

Sincerely, Riolu


“Man I hope she’s okay, I’ll write a letter later.” Shadic put back the letter in his box;he finish breakfast faster that he'd usually do, he went up stars to get out of the house. “By Mom, by Dad,” Shadic waved at them. “Goodbye, “Both parents said in sync.
Later that day Shadic made it to the guild

“They were a hole on the floor that had a gate on it in a diagonal pattern. “YOU! , STEP ON THE GATE!” Shadic obeyed with-out question. “WHO’S FOOT PRINT IS IT?” “IT’S SCRAGGY SIR, SCRAGGY DO YOU HAVE ANY ONE WITH YOU!” “No, no I don’t have any one with me,” Shadic felt weird not knowing who he was talking to."A ground type pokemon is probably down there, like a Sandile." The entrance door to the guild opened upwards. “YOU MAY ENTER!” Shadic entered as ordered.

Inside the guild was really cool to Shadic; it was underground like his home too. A Tranquil was holding papers have to do with the Job bulletin forum. “Hmm, why are you here?” The Tranquil walked up to Shadic. “I’m here to join an exploration team!” “Maybe he'd would be a good partner for our new exploration team member Oshowatt.” Tranquill mumbled to him self. “What was that?” “Ohh, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Come with me to the Guild master, she will give you your kit and your exploration team member."

The both walked together to the Guild master’s room. The Guild master, a female Audino was sleeping when they came. “Hmm……Hm?” The Guild master woke up dull looking from the drowsiness. “We have someone that wants to be in an exploration team.” The Guild master smiled at Shadic, “well your partner would be Oshowatt, he has the exploration kit you'll need. He needs a partner; and I think you’d be perfect for him.” Shadic looked around the room in question. “Where is Oshowatt?” Shadic asked.

“He is at the beach,” Tranquil said. “Okay, thank you for the advice; I’ll come back when I get him.” Shadic climbed up the rope of the guild leading to the entrance, he went out the entrance then down the stairs. Shadic walked downwards the guild to where the beach was. “They as a purple like cave at the end of the beach with a rock on the top of it. There laid an Oshowatt watching the Ducklet flying by the sunset.

“HEY, OSHOWATT!”, Shadic waved at Oshowatt. Oshowatt jumped down from where he was sitting. “Hello, what’s up”, Oshowatt waved. “I’m your new exploration team member at the Guild”, Shadic said. “Well, okay, let’s get back at the guild and I’ll introduce you”, Oshwatt said.

Till chapter 2
 
I saw a couple spelling and grammatical errors, but other than that, I think this story has some potential, just slow the flow, and add more detail to the beginning so it doesn't turn into a 5 page story
 
About the grammar, I always had problems with it you may expect that through the story, sorry. Also my word doesn't have spelling check for some reason. Thank you for the advice.
 
It's really a lot of small things that add up to either make or break fanfics nowadays (especially here). Grammar and spelling issues aside, you should go back through and make the passages of dialogue into their own paragraphs (basically doing this for whenever a new character speaks). As is, the blocks where Pokemon are having conversations with one another look really sloppy by any standard. Also, I noticed you've misused commas as replacement-transitions for periods in some parts. Commas always come right within the ending quotation-mark when you're following up with the description of how a character is saying something, and are never needed if you're using something besides a period to end the character's spoken sentences or just ending the statement without telling how someone said something.

Sorry if that sounds kind of rushed, but I only had a chance to skim this so far...
 
1. Use more commas.

2. Use a spell-checker. No excuse for anything done on a computer. "Siting" may be a Chinese female name but in the general internet which is westernised, it's an incorrect way to spell "Sitting". Even if it fails on Word, you could use a browser with a spell check when you upload your fic.

3. Grammar.
 
How's this?

Chapter 2

"You know I'm not always this relaxed, it's just when I watch the Ducklett at the sunset." Shadic slightly turned his head downwards looking at the foot-steps of the sand. "Hey Oshowatt, can you tell me me about the other guild members before you introduce me to them?" Oshowatt started to scratch his head again.

"Well, there's Whimsicott and Patrat. They are in a exploration team like us. Patrat has issues about personal space, but he's still pretty nice. Whimsicott is polite, obedient and patient, she also helps clean up the Guild at times. They both mostly go on item delivery jobs.

Minccino wakes everyone up using his screech attack. He also opens the gate for visitors. He's okay.....but kind of rude if you ask me." Oshowatt mad a weird looking face, as like his just smelled a Trubbish. " What do you mean kind of rude?" Shadic looked at Oshowatt in question. "He always smacks with his tail, and speaking loud when he's to be quiet."

"Does he do that to everyone?" " Everyone except the Guild master and Tranquill. Any way, Sandile checks a visitors foot print to see's if there bad or not. "So that was pokemon under that hole nar the entrance of the guild",Shadic mumbled to him self. So that concludes on what I know so far."

A Trubbish and Woobat rushed in at Oshowatt. Oshowatt. A white stone and black stone fell out with Oshowatt's Scald sword when he fell. "HEY! What was that for." Oshowatt rubbed his head to ease the pain. "I wound how much the stones and the Scald sword would cost", Trubbish said. Woobat and Trubbish snicked while they started to run away into the Beach cave.

"We got to get my stuff back, there my personal treasure." Oshowatt relaxed emotion automatically changed to serious emotion. "Will you help me?" Shadic nodded. "Sure I will!" They ran into the cave. Inside the cave was dim and dull with water dripping from the ceiling. "What moves do you know?" Oshowatt looked around the area he was in. "I know Leer, Low kick and Sand attack, why you ask?

"Some pokemon will come and attack you, so stay sharp and don't let you guard down". A Panpour ran towards Scraggy ready to use scratch. Shadic used low kick to cancel the attack. Panpour fainted. "One more thing, when you faint you get kick out the dungeon", Oshowatt said. The Panpour dropped an Oran berry before it fainted. Shadic picked it up, then put it in his pocket.

They both made it father in the cave. "I don't see them Oshowatt."
"There probably at the end of the cave." A Tirtouga jumped out from the water getting ready to use water gun in mid-air. Oshowatt moved in front of Scraggy. "I'll take care of this." Oshowatt jumped up in the air to use water gun. Both water guns collided, some water sprinkled on Shadic. Oshowatt came back down going for a low range attack of tackle.

The tackle was a direct hit, Tirtouga fainted. Latter on in the cave they meet up to Trubbish and Woobat. "They actually made through the cave", Woobat whispered to Trubbish. "GIVE ME BACK MY TREASURE!!! IT MEANS EVERY THING TO ME!" Woobat smiled, "then come get it wimp. Shadic headed for Trubbish, while Oshowatt headed for the Woobat.

"Urk, dude you smell!", Shadic waved his hand to clear out the air around him. Trubbish face started to swell up. "Shut up!, I'll destroy you!" Trubbish started to run towards Shadic, even though he wasn't very fast. Shadic went up for a low kick. Trubbish jumped back up using Mud shot. Shadic took the hit, constantly. "Urk, fast Mud shots....wait a minute, I have an Oran Berry!"

Shadic ate the Oran Berry. "Time get back in the ring!" On the other side of the beach Oshowatt was basically winning against Woobatt. Woobatt using Air Cutter. Oshowatt jumped to dodge on of them but the others hit him. Oshowatt jumped in the air to use tackle. Woobat dodge the attack, Oshowatt body dragged against the floor from the impact. "Give.. me back my st-stuff", Oshowatt ability Torrent kicked in.

Oshowatt used a powerful water gun at Woobat that sent it flying. Oshowatt used water gun at Trubbish few secounds later. Oshowatt's stones and his Scald Sword fell on the floor when they got hit. "Oshowatt you got your stuff back!"

Till Chapter 3
 
Shadic said:
How's this?

Erm, judging by this, I'm just gonna be re-iterating the same 3 points I raised earlier so... keep working on those 3 points I guess. Especially grammar. Stuff like "Oshowatt relaxed emotion automatically changed to serious emotion" just doesn't cut it; frankly speaking the subject/predicate in that sentence is hilarious (I don't mean that as a compliment btw). Also you might wanna start spelling the pokemon names correctly, it helps.

To put it in a politically correct manner, the syntax needs severe improvement, as does certain vocabulary ("emotion" for instance, is not a synonym for a more suitable word like "expression" in the above sentence). To put it in a not so politically correct manner: needs moar proper English
 
It takes a lot of time and practice to really get good at writing, Shadic. Usually I spend months at a time rewriting and revising my work before I ever get around to posting it, and sometimes things never see the light of day. To me, it also seems like you'd do well to concentrate more on description and character build too in your early chapters. Even when you're working with pre-existing characters, it always helps to have good description of them, not just quick references to what they look like or (even worse) just mentioning their names.

Personally, I think you need to redo these first few chapters some more before you continue, so I'll have to lock this for the time being. If you want, I can proofread for you and point out more specifics, but that may take some time...

*locked*
 
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