Writing Pokemon: Sam`s adventure (chapter 2 up)

Status
Not open for further replies.

PikachuFanForever

Pikachu kid(female)
Member
This takes place when Ash got his Pikachu.

It was morning and Sam woke up quickly, he looked at the clock.It said it was 7:00 he was happy.So he got out of bed and got ready by 8:00 he was ready and rushed out the door.It was a very sunny day and the sun was shining in his eyes.He finnaly got to Prof.Oaks lab panting,Prof.Oaks looked at him,"You are first here my boy!"Sam smiled,"Really?" he went to the Pokemon there where ten different Pokemon there.There was Pikachu, Bulbasaur, Eevee, Piplup, Chimpchar, Turtwig, Torchic, Pichu, Squirtle, Charmander and a Starly.Sam looked at them,"I choose Eevee!" he said taking the Poke ball and opening it up.There was an Eevee, looking up at him."Now yo have your Pokemon do you know how to use a Poke Ball?" the Prof. asked."Oh yes" said Sam.Then Sam received 20 Poke balls, Sam looked at his Eevee again and they smiled at each other.

Sam went out of the lab and saw lots of people rushing to get in."I can`t believe I`m ten!" said Sam walking with his poke ball in his pocket but then Eevee appeared out of the pokeball."What are yo doing!?" Sam asked Eevee."Get back inside!" Same said holding up the Poke ball but Eevee refused.Sam gave up and let Eevee go on his shoulder and it made Eevee much happier, Sam saw his bro and sis
with thier Pokemon.They were eleven and were traveling together."Hey bro!" they both said running towards him and then hugging him."Hey guys" Sam had never seen their Pokemon before."What Pokemon have you got?" Sam asked them, his brother Mark had a Charizard, Leafeon, prinplup, chatot and a raichu.His sister Sophie had a Chimpchar, Munchlax, Pichu, Buizel and a Pikach."Want to travel with us?" Sophis asked."Nah" Sam said smiling they ran past each other leading into a new life.

Chapter 2: Gotta Catch em all!

Sam went into the jungle where the tall grass is.A Shinx attacked him but he battled it with Eevee."It is time for me to catch my very own Shinx!" Sam said still battling.When Shinx was weak he through a poke ball, it went to the side the the other side then the other side and then he had caught it."We did it!" Sam shouted. "I have caught a Shinx!" Sam jumped up and held out the poke ball and Eevee just said,"Eevee!" Sam was so excited to meet new Pokemon and new friends. Sam and Eevee went along a twisted path a saw a wild Starly he said,"Eevee use tackle!" and then through a Poke ball but it eascaped from it. Sam would not give up and he finally caught it."Yeah!" he said jumping up and down.He saw a girl in the grass on her knees, he went over to her."Are you ok?" he asked her, she looked up athim,"No" she said crying."I lost my Aipom it just ran away" her sad face made Sam`s face go sad."We will help you find it, wont we Eevee?" Sam said.The girl smiled,"I am Lucy, I got my first Pokemon today" Sam smiled back,"Me too!!"

They saw a yellow tail it looked kinda looked like a hand but with three fingres."Thats him!" Lucy said lifting him up"It looks like he has been in a battle" said Sam looking at his scars, Lucy then said"But I have not battled with him yet" They also saw a buneary on the ground."They must have battled!" Sam said picking the buneary up. "I want it!" Lucy said so she brought out her Pikachu."Ok, Pikachu use thunder bolt!" the buneary dodged and used Ice Beam but Pikahu dodged and used Bolt Tackle.Buneary got hit and became weaker.So Lucy through a Poke ball and caught it."Wow! Lucy you are amazing at battlig!" Sam said."Thanks" Lucy said. " Wana travel with me?" Sam asked. "Sure why not?" they both laughed.Lucy sighed "I really want a Starly" Sam looked at her then said," I can trade you one!".Lucy smiled "Would a Buizel be ok?" Lucy asked, then Sam replied," Sure!" they then swaped Pokemon.

Chapter 3 meeting someone special

Sam looked at his Buizel it looked very powerful he looked over at Lucy.Lucy was looking at her Starly, the Starly was so cute with large eyes.Lucy asked Sam,"Do you have any brothers and sisters that are Pokemon trainers like us?" Sam looked at her,"Yes I have a brother and a sister, they got pokemon last year"."Have you got any?" Sam asked Lucy,"No...well not really..." Lucy said. Sam stared at her"What d you mean?" Lucy replied,"You see my sister died at twelve".There was silence.They kept on walking.Sam didn`t want to bring it up incase she began to cry.Her aipom ran out of her arms."AIPOM!" they both said.

The Aipom went over to a boy he looked ten. They stopped and then Sam`s face lit up,"It...it..it`s him!Ash!" Sam ran over to him,"I am Sam an I want to battle you!" Ash was confused but let him battle.Lucy stayed back from the battle holding her Aipom in her arms. Sam used Shinx and Ash used Pikachu. "You go first Sam" "Ok Shinx use Shock!" but Pikachu used bolt tackle and it hit Shinx. Sadly Shinx fainted,"NO! Shinx!" Sam said. Ash said,"Your ok at battling.." then he left. "WOW!" said Lucy she liked how Sam battled."Well no point dwelling on it" says Lucy pulling him away from the battle field.

chapter 4 comming soon.
 
RE: Pokemon: Sam`s adventure (chapter 1)

Its a decent opening. There are many grammar and spelling mistakes though, you always leave a space after you start a sentence after the full stop. There are also several other spaces missing. Telling by your join date, I know you're a new writer on the beach so that is highly understandable. The first chapter is very short, not much description there, it makes it pretty plain. Plenty of spelling mistakes also:

finnaly = finally
Chimpchar = Chimchar
yo = you (I know its a typo but just to correct)
Pikach = Pikachu (Again ^)
Sophis = Sophie (Again ^)

Not bad for a beginner.
 
RE: Pokemon: Sam`s adventure (chapter 1)

ok thanks, I will keep it in mind ^^
WT?! My RL name is Sophie how dd Ispell that wrong? o.o
 
RE: Pokemon: Sam`s adventure (chapter 1)

Wow Nice but there are some errors. Still pretty good
 
RE: Pokemon: Sam`s adventure (chapter 1)

PikachuFanForever said:
ok thanks, I will keep it in mind ^^
WT?! My RL name is Sophie how dd Ispell that wrong? o.o

There was a typo.
 
They're being nice.

You need to spend more time in school with this. If your English teacher is even half doing his/her job, you can ask them to help you learn how to write. There are random capitalizations everywhere, tons of problems with punctuations and the plot is being snapped back and forth, never dwelling on any given subject for more than two sentences. Since you never linger on and explain what's really going on, you leave the reader angry at the general lack of information. It's like the story is being told by a drunk witness who was almost blind and deaf. The dialogue is so short and in such outbursts that it makes me believe the characters are all suffering from Tourette's.

It just isn't good. You need to spend more time developing your skills before showcasing something like this.
 
And the first rule of story writing is never have more than one story active at one time. Why do the famous writers make one epic story at a time?

Because if they'd create stories every minute, information gets put in the wrong places, other stories get neglected, spelling and grammar mistakes become more prevelent, and the stories just don't make the grade.

I suggest focusing on one of your two stories. Fix all your mistakes (because there are a bunch).

And finally, what's a good story without DETAIL. Honestly, who would want to read a story that has quick quotes, no detail and a breeze-through storyline? No one. You make your conversations so quick, like DD said, are you characters suffering from Tourette's? Detail helps people reading your stories by painting a visual picture. With how your writing, you're forcing your readers to paint a picture like they're blindfolded and with one arm tied behind their back.

I'm trying to help you from making a fool out of yourself. I suggest you heed my advice (and Dictator Dauntless's) and make your story 10 times better.

And instead of editing your first post everytime you upload a chapter, create a new post and paste your next chapter that way.
 
Ok I know you two are trying to help me but I feel a bit hurt with the not nice comments, I have problems with spelling and grammar but I try my hardest.So don`t go to hard on me.
 
It`s ok...not the best but try to work a little harder ok? I like Sam and Eevee and I like how Ash is in it XD Remember try a little harder with spelling and grammar, apart from that well done.
 
AshTheHero said:
It`s ok...not the best but try to work a little harder ok? I like Sam and Eevee and I like how Ash is in it XD Remember try a little harder with spelling and grammar, apart from that well done.

Don't post in threads where the last reply was two weeks or more.

*Locked*

dmaster out.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top