Writing Pokemon StarLight and PlanetGleam - The Story - Looking for critique!

Alvin and the Patrats

Egads! An abomination appeared!
Member
Here is a story I made using the Pokemon I have designed. Its my first attempt at something like this, but I'm a good writer and I hope you like it!
I'll try upload some picks of the mons, to let you know what they look like.

And just for fun, the starter descriptions!

Japanese Name - Hashojou - from leaf and chimp
English Name - Budkey
Leaf Monkey Pokemon

Description: It is very mischievous, but can become a warm and faithful companion.

Japanese Name: Kyokabu - from polar and cub
English Name: Cublash
Polar Pokemon
Description: It

Japanese Name: Hatenka - from reptile and ignition
English Name: Ligzite
Salamander Pokemon
Description:



I'm just going to add a small story detailing the myth of the Styn region.

The Stars and the Planets

In the beginning, there was chaos. Dialga and Palkia had created time and space, and the matter existed, but there reigned nothing but clouds of gases and dust that were scattered across the inky oblivion. Then, out of the disorder, there came two beings of pure energy, named by myth as Sulblaze and Terrakor. For unknown reasons, they were against each other from the first instant of their being. They waged wars that left great voids across the galaxy, blasting away the clouds. For millennia they fought, and as they clashed in the starless heavens, sometimes, instead of separating it, their battles drove billions of tons of matter together, forging stars and planets. Eventually, there pure energy began to disintegrate, and in attempts to save themselves, took material form. They fought until they created a final planet and its star and fell into its orbit, and went into a deep sleep, exhausted by their struggles. And till this day they sleep, waiting to be woken...

Pokemon: StarLight and PlanetGleam

Chapter One: Beginning of a Journey

Sunrises on the hill behind Starshoot Town were always spectacular. But that wasn’t the reason why Bennett had dragged himself out of bed so early. Blinking blearily in the desperate dying gaze of the fading moon, he turned into the sunrise and set off down the hill to pick his starter Pokemon and begin his journey.

It was a fair walk to town, and it took him a good 10 minutes to reach the door of his best friend Naven’s house. He knocked on the door, which was instantly opened by a black-haired beaming boy, who shot out and knocked Bennett over.

“What a beautiful day”, he exclaimed jubilantly. “I’ve always envisaged the start of my journey on a morning like this.”

Bennett mumbled his agreement as he climbed back up to his feet.

“Mum gave me a map to help us get there without going through any long grass – she’s lent me her Kricketune to cut down that tree on Route 301.”

They started walking out onto the route, a long, winding affair lined by imposing pines on either side. Hoisting their backpacks onto their shoulders, they began to set out towards Sunshine Town. Bennett took a few seconds to consider what he and Naven were about to set out on. He was a tall, gangly boy of 13, with brown hair that flopped limply onto his forehead in a rather defeated style, but it certainly didn’t translate to his spirit. Bennett was the stereotype of an intelligent youth, with wiry glasses and an eager appetite for knowledge. Particle physics was his speciality, having read 1000 page books on that topic and thirsting for more. His idol was Professor Maple, an expert on anomalies in Pokemon, who was to give him his starter today. And who came round the bend but Professor Maple himself, typing frantically into a laptop, and balancing a sophisticated instrument on his back.

“Exceptional readings… so the genes are nearly 10 times as frequent here as anywhe…”.

He looked up and caught sight of the boys.

“Ah, lads!” he exclaimed, slamming shut his laptop and slinging it into a satchel. The youngest by some way of any distinguished Pokemon professor, he was a man in his late twenties, with a shock of blond, untidy hair and a kind, handsome face. He too wore glasses, but his looked heavier and made him seem far beyond his years. Wearing an immaculate coat that looked straight from the lab, you would be unable to tell that he had great passion for fieldwork.

“I was just studying the frequency in which a Pokemon may be born shiny”, he commented offhandedly, “This route seems to have something about it that makes this probability soar!”

He looked at the boys’ slightly awed faces, and chuckled.

“I’d give you your starters here, so you could go straight off, but I’d rather you’d meet your fellow new trainer, who should be waiting at my lab. Let’s go!”

The two boys exchanged curious glances, then followed after the striding professor in the direction of Sunshine town.

***
The mentioned individual was a sallow faced, scruffy looking boy, who cast Naven and Bennett distasteful looks as they entered the lab. The professor introduced him as Omega, and told them all to sit down.

“Now, you all know why you’re here today. And I suppose that you know a fair bit about the starters of the Styn region. There is Budkey, the Bud Monkey Pokemon. Certainly playful, but powerful too.”

He conjured up a screen from the sleek wall, and tapped kit impatiently. A picture of a tiny green chimp came up. Its body was covered by a large leaf, and vines protruded out, which Bennett guessed acted as its arms.

“Secondly,” the professor continued ,” There is Ligzite, the Flame Lizard Pokemon.”

A picture of a big-eyed bipedal lizard with a few small flames showing on its back appeared on the screen. Omega sniggered.

“It might look not look like a particularly fierce Pokemon,” said the professor, remaining entirely serene, “But those flames burn at nearly 600 degrees. Don’t count it out. And lastly,”, tapping the board once more, a picture of a polar bear cub popped up, “ There is Cublash, the Polar Cub Pokemon. Now you may think all these starters are cutesy and harmless, but each are exceptionally rare and have great potential. So count none out of the running. Now who’s going first?”

Naven literally was there within a few seconds.

“I guess we have a volunteer,” smiled Professor Maple. “Take your pick.”, he said, indicating a table with three Pokeballs on it, with pictures of which Pokemon they contained propped up behind them.

Eagerly grabbing the Pokeball that had the sign with Ligzite behind it, Naven punched the air and released the fire starter from its ball.

“Lig-g-g-g-zite!”, it crowed in delight.

“How about you next, Bennett?” asked the Pokemon Professor, and Bennett moved towards the table. Bennett furrowed his brown, and thought hard. If he chose Budkey, he would maybe struggle with the grass type’s many weaknesses. But his brother had one, and its evolution, Arborilla, was a formidable foe, with a Grass/Fighting typing and a great move pool. And yet he had always wanted Cublash. Every time someone mentioned Pokemon to him, he thought about the cute bear. The moment that sealed it was when his mother’s parting words to him came back, “Always follow your dreams, son.” And to have a Cublash was his dream.

“Cublash, I choose you!” Bennett shouted, and let the Pokemon meet him for the first time. White fur led down to its legs, where a light blue became the colouring. An adorable face looked up at Bennett, and he went with his sudden impulse to give it a big hug. And to Bennett’s pleasure, it squeezed back. They were already becoming friends.

“So, are you wimps gonna give your Pokes a try, or just sit there being soppy all day?” The harsh words of Omega rang out through the cries of delight, cutting them short. He was holding the last Pokeball, the one Bennett knew contained Budkey.

The eyes of Bennett and Cublash met. They had only just met each other, but a strong bond was already forming. A passionate desire burned in Cublash’s eyes, and Bennett knew the answer straight away. They were a team, and they couldn’t turn down a challenge.

“You bet.” said Bennett, and Cublash agreed with a cry. Their journey had begun.
 
Wow! I really like the story! I really can't give you any advice, but keep up the good work.
 
OKay, finally got to reading this...

Suggestion #1
It's a bit...predictable, don't you think?
I mean, I can understand that you made your own pokemon and stuff, but there was nothing to it. By the beginning, I could tell that there would be three starters. Try to mix it up a bit, whether the Professor is named after a flower instead of a tree, or if you change the starter types...

Suggestion #2
Don't actually type the number in. I can understand if you are stating a Route, such as Route 446, but saying that there is "3 starter pokemon" instead of "three starter pokemon" makes your writing immature.

Besides that, keep up the good work.
 
^ Writing immature? That's not a phrase I've seen before. Awful looking, with numbers jumbled up with letters but not immature.

And I agree that it is a little predictable.
 
Sorry about the number jumbling, its subconscious...

But this is Pokemon, its meant to be predictable. This is not really meant to be an epicly different storyline to the normal, I like the idea of a Pokemn journey in words, with new starters etc., but running along the lines of your classic ol' Pokemon games.

But apart from that, you thought it was good? The sentence structure and vocabulary were nice? (which is what I care about)
 
A little bit more personality in the characters, and you should be good. Maybe express some thoghts or show some expression in the speech.
 
Chapter 2

A Rivalry is Formed

----------

''Go!'', shouted Omega, hurling his Pokéball into the air. It opened with a smart click and a blinding flash, and the miniature monkey appeared.

''Get 'em Cublash!'', cried Bennett, ''Water Gun!''. Cublash loosed a torrent of water towards the monkey, but the water merely formed bubbles on its leafy surface, and it shook them off in an instant. It retorted with a Vine Whip, which sent Cublash flying backwards, hitting the wall hard. However it was soon up, determination burning fiercely in its eyes. The bear cub rammed into Budkey, but the Pokémon span back into position, and hit Cublash with another attack.

''Finish them Budkey!'', declared Omega triumphantly, and with a piercing cry, the Budkey smashed into Cublash once more, and it slumped to the floor, eyes shut. Bennett rushed to his Pokémon's side, and asked it, ''Are you ok? Come on buddy, are you alright?''.
But Cublash did not stir. Omega had won.

There was a greasy smile plastered across the adolescent's face. He tossed his Pokéball up and down, spinning it like a Baltoy top.

''The strong will survive. The weak will fall. That is the way of life. And I know for certain whiich side I'll be on.''

Bennett glared at the cold youth, who returned the look furiously.

''You've got no modesty. Show some respect for others.'', Bennett said, still staring at him. Omega's face contorted, and he spat on the floor.

''I am Omega. I am the end. Modesty is not necessary for supremacy. It becomes a weakness, a point that your enemies can exploit. I have no weakness. You will hear again from me, Bennett. Mark my words, one day we will meet, and you will beg for mercy. Mark my words.''

And with a crazed laugh, Omega strode from the lab, clenching his fists and throwing his head back. And he laughed again and again and again.


***

They watched as Omega left the laboratory, and were startled when they heard a quiet cough. In the heat of the battle, they had quite forgotten the Professor.

''I have also prepared your Pokédexes for you,'' said the Professor. He handed them each sleek-looking bits of equipment, bright red with black trim.

''They'll need calibrating and setting to preferences though. You can do that now,'', the professor told them, ''As for me, I better be going. If you could just lock up the lab for me when you're done.''. So he collected his things as the two boys played around with their new gadgets. As they rose to say goodbye, the professor smiled at them and said, ''Good luck boys. I'm expecting great things from you two. Don't let me down.'' They bade goodbye, then set off down Route 302 towards Eclipse City.

***

Bennett rummaged through his rucksack impatiently. They had stopped for lunch, and Naven was eating sandwiches and watching Bennett empty his bag out in search for his money.

''These really are delicious sandwiches, you know,'' said Naven, his mouth full. ''Honey and berry, eh?'. Bennett's dad kept Combees, and collected so much honey that much of it never sold and his mother used it in nearly all dishes possible. Bennett didn't respond, and Naven tore his attention away from his stomach to see what he was doing, and saw him looing at an old dust-covered Pokéball, with tears in his eyes. Naven felt a pang of guilt too. That Pokéball had reminded Bennett of his mother, and he had been so caught up in the excitement of their new journey they had forgotten their families. Their lunch continued in silence,until, suddenly, a small bird Pokémon hopped down and began to peck at the crumbs Naven had managed to spread. Naven saw the look in Bennett's eye, and how he gazed at that Pokéball, and he knew what Bennett was going to do.
 
I liked that. I think your paragraphs were a little too long. And you're sorta depicting Omega as crazed and manic already. I know the basic plotline, but...
 
Omega is meant to be power-crazy. He shows no mercy for others, he has had a difficult upbringing.

The next chapter will really concentrate on the characters of the two boys.

There will be a essay in for Monday on the first 2 Chapters on 'How the Writer Develops Omega's Character Throughout the Story' :D.
 
Chapter 3

Alpha and Omega

-------------

Somewhere in orbit of the Earth, a undetectable space station drifted through the ether, lights flashing at the planet far below. At a porthole there stood a man who gazed upon the Earth with anger in his eyes. His name was Alpha.

'Sir?', said a Team Eternity grunt, entering the room. Alpha's stare shifted to the man who had just entered the room.

'Speak.'

The grunt gulped, and said nervously, 'The gravity generators need reparing. Commander Decade asks your permission to send a shuttle to collect the necessary replacement parts.' The grunt swallowed again. Alpha did not speak.'Sir?', the man repeated.

'Tell me,' said the leader of Team Eternity suddenly, 'What you think it must feel like to be an outcast from your own planet. What it must feel like to be confined amongst the stars. To never know the feeling of fresh wind upon naked skin. To taste nothing but dried food,'.

'I d-d-don't know sir.' stammered the man, who was wishing he had never come in.

'I'll tell you,' Alpha announced, with a look of contempt upon his face, 'Soul-destroying. They call this station a palace, saying of the comfort I live in. It's no palace. It's a prison. I am forced to stay here, knowing only persecution and misery will come upon me if I return. I have no choice.' The grunt nodded vigorously, and asked to be dismissed feverishly. Alpha turned from the window finally, and he had a bemused look on his face, but it quickly returned to a steely glare.

'Tell Decade that she may collect the parts tomorrow morning. You are dismissed.', he told him, and the grunt shot out of the room, still sweating profusely. Once the grunt was gone, he took out a picture, and stared longingly at it. The toussled hair boy on it was laughing and grinning on a dark-haired woman's lap. He muttered something, bowed his head, then moved towards the airlock. Placing the picture inside, he performed the procedures necessary to open the airlock to the dark void outside. There was a metallic click as it swung shut. Alpha turned and walked from the room.

In the inky oblivion, the picture turned and rolled eerily, and the child upon it continued its unending laughter. The boy grinned. Omega grinned.

On the other side of the planet, another satellite orbited the planet. It bore a large 'I' upon it, and a shuttle was docked to it. Inside its chrome-plated interior were rushing people, clutching clipboards and talking hurriedly into headsets. Many took right turns from the shuttle dock towards the central computer room, and marched hastily to their seats, and started typing furiously. The room was rectangular, with a walkway in the middle that allowed any of the moniters to be seen. An imposing figure stepped onto the platform, wearing a golden badge and with jet-black hair. Work ceased momentarily as everyone stood up, but the man gestured for them to return to their seats, and cleared his throat.

'Team Infinity. We have an announcement to make. After checking our readings thoroughly, Commander Nebula and I believe we have found the Legendary Pokemon Terrakor.'

A mutter of excitement sounded, which was quelled instantly by a frown from the man.

'Terrakor is a hugely mysterious Pokemon. In the early stages of the universe, it helped create planets as it fought with Sulblaze, its sworn enemy. Then it arrived here about a billion years ago, and fell into a hibernation which has lasted ever since. Our aim is to capture it. This will be hard, as it dwells in the void, which means we will need special equipment, not to mention huge amounts of skill. But we will succeed. However, I have been informed by our spies that Team Eternity seek Sulblaze to use against us. The power of this Pokemon can only be matched by Terrakor's, so it is vital to our survival that we catch Terrakor, otherwise they will be able to destroy us all. Hail.'

'Hail Beta!' chorused the room. Beta laughed silently. What fools they were, to think that once he had Terrakor, he would use it for them. They would die, along with all the scum of Team Eternity. Yes, he thought with satisfaction. He would have revenge on his stupid brother. They would all die.
 
Yep. Might want to make that two pages before the mods close this.
Anyways, nice. Definitely an epic quote in there or two.
 
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