pokemon utopia tournament!

[cool]

chapter 1: the cruise

patrickh man! I im so glad we were able to get a cruise ship for the tournament!

max: yeah man! this will be great!

oscar: you guys relize we have to register on the cruise right?

patrick: CRAP!!

michael: well lets go then, i dont want to be late.

the 4 run to the main hall in the cruise

nurse joy: okay,let me see your i.d's please

nurse joy: okay you guys are in it.

then the doors slam open with 4 people in masks.

robber 1: EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND!

to be continued....

 

[LordDarkrai]

Okay, this is too short needs lots of work in the Grammar department (No that mine is Grammatically correct) and I overall did not understand the plot whatosever.

I'm sorry but this needs lots of work

 

[Lenny]

Like LordDarkrai said, this isn't very good grammatically and no offense, but it seems like the story is going nowhere. And using the script form for writing isn't that great, it isn't as enjoyable to read. I suggest using paragraphs or short phrases between spaces. Not like for example,

Bob: Let's go get some pie!



John: Pie! I'd love some!



They ate pie, the end.



That is my example and it seems like what you made is very alike to that (not the subject but you know what I mean).

 

[cool]

ok guys thanks! I will do some editing and maybe make another thread later.

Thanks guys