Writing Rate my haikus! Part 2 UPDATE- 3 more haikus

How do you like my haikus overall?

  • You...ARE A GOD! I LOVE YOU!

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Hey, you're pretty good! You can improve though.

    Votes: 5 45.5%

  • Eh, I can see that you made an admirable effort.

    Votes: 2 18.2%

  • I've seen better...

    Votes: 2 18.2%

  • I'm sorry, you just are not very good.

    Votes: 1 9.1%

  • You SUCK! You are the most lowdown filth on the planet for writing this garbage! You digrace writers

    Votes: 1 9.1%
  • Total voters
    11
penny power

penny power

Pokemon freak
Member
Awhile back I created this thread: http://www.pokebeach.com/forums/showthread.php?tid=54662. People liked it and wanted more so I made a part 2. I'll probably be updating these later on. Here they are:

The Annihilators
In the dark future...
Annihilators kill all;
Terminators have evolved.

Flamethrower Friend
Your own flamethrower,
Protecting you from evil;
It can even cook!

Nirvana's Number One
So extreme and grand;
The greatest song of all time:
"Smells Like Teen Spirit"!

Message of Peace
The rocket launcher:
Promoting around the world,
Peace and happiness.

The Ice Beam (Inspired by "Metroid Prime", a fantastic game! I have the Trilogy and I just got the Ice Beam. This is my personal favorite haiku by the way.)
The savage ice beam:
With it in my arsenal,
I chill and I kill.

The Horrors of War
Disfigured and red,
That man was a gory mess:
The horrors of war...

Delightful Ice Cream!
This ice is so good:
Creamy and delectable,
Heavenly ice cream!

Brawl Is the Best! (I believed this when I wrote it, but now I don't. Halo 3 is my favorite game now, while SSBB is only my second favorite.)
The ultimate game,
Exciting beyond belief: Super Smash Bros. Brawl!

Time Is a Wicked Thing...
Time goes on and on,
Monotonous and terrible,
Perhaps with no end...

School Is a Nightmare...
Monotonous school:
Keeping me from having fun,
It's so tedious!

They Stole My Soul... (I'm homeschooled and I wrote this when my parents were making me write about a book. I HATED IT! Well, the writing, that is...)
I used to like reading...
But when writing events down,
I hate this cruelty!

I dread School...
It is such a bore,
Every day there's no end!
What awful cruelty...


Most of these I actually wrote last year, with the exceptions of the first 5 which I wrote the day before last iirc.
Again, feedback is much appreciated! And in case you don't have the time or the patience to write about my writing, I included a poll this time.


Update: I'm putting some more haikus up now. Here they are:

The Shotgun
There's no need to aim.
Pull the trigger and they die:
The deadly shotgun.

The Sniper Rifle
The Sniper Rifle:
Preying on innocent lives,
Racking up easy kills.

The Plasma Grenade
Sticky, explosive,
A cute little ball of light:
There is no escape.
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

For the record, Haiku are short poems about nature. If I recall correctly, senryu (sp?) is the term used to describe ones in 5/7/5-syllable styling about anything else (but even then, I think that was supposed to be when they're done in Japanese... I haven't done these or any real poetry since I was still in college, and I really don't know a whole lot of Japanese, so I'm not going to nitpick beyond that...).

In any case, these were pretty good! A few of them are a little strong for my tastes, but still, you've got a good handle on the poetry style.
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

Reading the horrors of war followed by delightful ice cream made me laugh.
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

Apollo the Incinermyn said:
For the record, Haiku are short poems about nature. If I recall correctly, senryu (sp?) is the term used to describe ones in 5/7/5-syllable styling about anything else (but even then, I think that was supposed to be when they're done in Japanese... I haven't done these or any real poetry since I was still in college, and I really don't know a whole lot of Japanese, so I'm not going to nitpick beyond that...).

In any case, these were pretty good! A few of them are a little strong for my tastes, but still, you've got a good handle on the poetry style.
Click to expand...
Are you sure? OK, now I'm really confused... I am learning Japanese though, and I love it!

Too strong? Which ones? Please elaborate.

peetzaman said:
Reading the horrors of war followed by delightful ice cream made me laugh.
Click to expand...
Hehe, that is funny! Do you think I should change the order, or leave it like this?
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

Yeah, I have a tendency to confuse people (and even myself) sometimes. To elaborate, Haiku in the traditional sense is only about things in nature (animals, plants, anything outdoors, etc.), though modern adaptations of the writing style by cultures outside of Japan have made it so these poems can be about anything (and so, the divergent senryu/sp? emerged... This is just off memory, though, so I might be missing something but I think I got the general details covered). Also (and I really have to note: my understanding of Japanese is broken at best, so you might have a better grasp on how this comes into play than I do since you said you're learning it), a creative writing professor I had did a lecture on how the Japanese from which the style originates deals more heavily in syllables than it does full words and, as such, haiku became restricted to the 5/7/5 styling. Still, it's been a while since I actually did any of these and I may be missing something, but I think I covered what I was trying to get at...

In any case, I really like these. I guess I'm accustom to tamer ideas and images than what I got from reading things like "The Annihilators," "Flamethrower Friend," and "The Horrors of War." But, the whole point of the style is to leave readers with strong and powerful images in their heads without a lot of thick detail. Though, it might also have been me... Excellent job, nonetheless!
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

Apollo the Incinermyn said:
Yeah, I have a tendency to confuse people (and even myself) sometimes. To elaborate, Haiku in the traditional sense is only about things in nature (animals, plants, anything outdoors, etc.), though modern adaptations of the writing style by cultures outside of Japan have made it so these poems can be about anything (and so, the divergent senryu/sp? emerged... This is just off memory, though, so I might be missing something but I think I got the general details covered). Also (and I really have to note: my understanding of Japanese is broken at best, so you might have a better grasp on how this comes into play than I do since you said you're learning it), a creative writing professor I had did a lecture on how the Japanese from which the style originates deals more heavily in syllables than it does full words and, as such, haiku became restricted to the 5/7/5 styling. Still, it's been a while since I actually did any of these and I may be missing something, but I think I covered what I was trying to get at...

In any case, I really like these. I guess I'm accustom to tamer ideas and images than what I got from reading things like "The Annihilators," "Flamethrower Friend," and "The Horrors of War." But, the whole point of the style is to leave readers with strong and powerful images in their heads without a lot of thick detail. Though, it might also have been me... Excellent job, nonetheless!
Click to expand...
Interesting. I'm still not totally clear on what my poems are, and I don't know much Japanese, so that wouldn't help, but I get the idea.

Eh, who needs tame/gentle/lovely/happy ideas? I like ACTION! Anyway, "Flamethrower Friend" is humorous. Or, at least it's meant to be...well, a dark humor, but still.

Yeah, you're right, the point of these is to leave the reader with powerful images, and I think "The Ice Beam" probably does that the best, and it is one of the most negative. In fact, in my opinion, negative ideas are usually much more powerful than positive ideas. And thank you very much!
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

peetzaman said:
Definitely leave it the way it is. :D
Click to expand...
Will do! Thanks. I thought this was the way it should be when you pointed out the irony of it.
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

These are good haha. Pretty funny. Although they aren't Haikus
 
RE: Rate my haikus! Part 2

safariblade said:
These are good haha. Pretty funny. Although they aren't Haikus
Click to expand...
Hey, thanks! How are they not haikus though?

Which one is your favorite?
 
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