Writing Rate my haikus!

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penny power

penny power

Pokemon freak
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Well...most of them are emo...but I'm actually very happy...I just like to write dark things...
OK, here they are:

Prisoners of Darkness
Victims of darkness,
Dragged by the slaves of despair,
Taken to their doom.

Inky Darkness
Things lurk in darkness,
Creatures of evil lie there;
Cold ink of terror.

How Puzzling...
Yes, no, I don't care;
I just can't make up my mind.
It's complicated.

Rainbows
Rainbows are wondrous,
Filling my heart with joy,
Shining through the rain.

Death
Death is of sorrow.
Consuming all light and joy,
It is of evil.

Puppies
Puppies are so sweet,
They are loved and loveable,
Murdering by night.

The Innocent Has Fallen
An innocent girl,
Sobbing and bloody,
Not one cared to help. :)()

This Town Ain't Big Enough For the Two Of Us!
I am Dirty Dan!
You don't understand,
You're only Pinhead Larry!


Well, feedback is appreciated!
 
Wow, these are amazingly deep. The last two are my favorites. Lol murdering puppies. So true. ;o

dmaster out.
 
They all have an underlying meaning, a conscience, as it were.
Rainbows is my favorite, as, I love the rain.
 
lab it >> love it.. its a filipino term ^^ sorry for using it here.. but i would love to see more haiku's from you.. keep it up!
 
aishen said:
lab it >> love it.. its a filipino term ^^ sorry for using it here.. but I would love to see more haiku's from you.. keep it up!
Click to expand...
Oh, OK! That's alright, I learned a new word!
I just saw that you said you wanted to see more from me when I made a new one! My first post on this thread is updated with it, it's the last haiku!
 
They're good, but some aren't haikus the have to be 7, 5,7 or they aren't consitered a haiku.
 
penny power said:
aishen said:
lab it >> love it.. its a filipino term ^^ sorry for using it here.. but I would love to see more haiku's from you.. keep it up!
Click to expand...
Oh, OK! That's alright, I learned a new word!
I just saw that you said you wanted to see more from me when I made a new one! My first post on this thread is updated with it, it's the last haiku!
Click to expand...

oh great.. you manage to make another one ^____^
 
LOL! Inky Darkness is awesome! Has a certain in-depth meaning to it..
Man! Haikus are soo coool!!! ;)
 
I LOL'ed on the last one. Why? Because I just finished watching that episode of Spongebob. What are the odds of that?

Great BTW.
 
penny power said:
Well...most of them are emo...but I'm actually very happy...I just like to write dark things...
OK, here they are:

Prisoners of Darkness
Victims of darkness,
Dragged by the slaves of despair,
Taken to their doom.
Not bad, but could use some work. Try to add more morbidness.

Inky Darkness
Things lurk in darkness,
Creatures of evil lie there;
Cold ink of terror.
I can see that you love to use the word "Darkness". The impact becomes stale over a little while, so use the word with caution, or your piece becomes cliched. The "ink of terror" isn't clearly defined here which leaves it as a stub.

How Puzzling...
Yes, no, I don't care;
I just can't make up my mind.
It's complicated.
The irony with this is that it's a short Haiku. A simple one at that. I like it.:D

Rainbows
Rainbows are wondrous,
Filling my heart with joy,
Shining through the rain.
Okay, this makes me think of Care Bear Stare. Not such a good picture. It's too jolly to fit into your collection of dark Haikus; somewhat like watching a game of soccer in the middle of a basketball game.

Death
Death is of sorrow.
Consuming all light and joy,
It is of evil.
A quick and direct definition of death. It's a little bland, and could use some deeper words, but it's fine the way it is.

Puppies
Puppies are so sweet,
They are loved and loveable,
Murdering by night.
Okay, the last line was completely uncalled for. I did not see that coming. A plus one for the element of surprise. On the other hand, it's a little vague in a sense that some readers wouldn't be able to distinguish which is murdering, or what is being murdered.

The Innocent Has Fallen
An innocent girl,
Sobbing and bloody,
Not one cared to help. :)()
It paints a very bleak picture, but I've seen many of this kind. Nonetheless very horrid in a good way.

This Town Ain't Big Enough For the Two Of Us!
I am Dirty Dan!
You don't understand,
You're only Pinhead Larry!
Okay, I'm very getting unsanitary imagery here. It's a little ambiguous, but I guess that's what makes it a good piece.

Well, feedback is appreciated!
Click to expand...

Over all, I can tell that you're better than the average Joe. However, Haikus have never empowered me as much as regular poetry has; I just don't have a penchant for the inadequate vigor in them. They just lack the potency of word play, and there's barely enough space for adjectives, metaphors, figures of speech and then some. I'll tell you this though. Prove me wrong by stirring up a Haiku that can overwhelm me, then you'll get me hooked.;) At the moment, I will have to rate you a "William Blake".[/cc]
 
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