Writing The Dark Moon: Lonyoto VS Mikato

AshsGirlSkymin

AshsGirlSkymin

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Lonyoto the Umbreon was jumping from tree to tree. His eyes blurry from the branches whipping against his face. As Mikato, the Espeon, was glaring at Misyo, the Lucario. "And why are you here?" Mikato said smoothly, but in a very strict manner. Misyo bowed at her. "I am here, my great Queen, to deliver a message." Misyo responded, trying not to snap. Mikato looked at Misyo quite wierdly in fact. "See, Lonyoto the Umbreon is on the attack my Great Queen." He stated, kneeling on one leg. Mikato's eyes widened. "WHAT!?!" She snapped at him.

"I..I'm very sorry my Queen, but he is." Misyo said. Then, after that, he dashed off. Mikato saw something pounce from tree to tree. "Lonyoto!?" Mikato asked, very scared of Lonyoto, because he was the Master of Darkness' Right hand Man. "Hahahaaaha. So you found me at last." A voice said, echoing through the forest. After that, Lonyoto pounced off a tree branch and showed himself to Mikato. "Ah, Mikato, Queen of Light, Slayer of Darkness, Purifier of Evil." Lonyoto stated, as a devious grin crossed his scarred face. "Lonyoto...are you ready for war?" Mikato said, looking at the ground instead of Lonyoto. "Why War?" Lonyoto said, in a tauntingly sort of way. "You know, Lonyoto!" Mikato said, ready to pounce. "Oh, you want to pounce, Me? The Great Right Hand Man of Darkness ITSELF?" Lonyoto shouted. Mikato just stared at the ground. "Light can overcome darkness, Mikato," Said her friend, Okaida, a Female Clefairy, in a tree. "Use your light power!" Mikato needed the right time to.

Lonyoto stared her down for at least five minutes. She watched his every breath, every move. Then, she pounced on him. She was readying her Hyper Beam. But then, Lonyoto scratched her right on the eye. Mikato still was readying it, even though she was in a considerable amount of pain. She got, what seemed to her, a million blows in the face. But she finally shot the Hyper Beam. Lonyoto welped in pain. But, Mikato collapsed. Okaida flew down and started sobbing. "Mikato! Mikato! Use the Light on him! He's not fully purified, use the light!" She shouted. Mikato was hardly breathing. "No! No! Mikato! Here, I hope this spell will work," She shouted. "Bianathu!" Then, a gleam of light came out of Okaida's litte finger, and she shot it at Mikado. Mikato jumped up, thanked Okaida, and did what she had to do. Although she lost a lot of power, it was for us humans, thus she will continue on and fight the Master of Darkness.
 
Well, it's a slight improvement over your PMD: Explorers of the Universe thread, but you still didn't listen much to what I said! Aside from breaking up the paragraphs (and, furthermore, the dialogue...like it or not, you have to treat each new part of speech like it's its own paragraph, even if it just turns out to be one line... Bunching it together gets a bit confusing, especially if it's a conversation between two or more characters), you also need to thicken stuff up. Personally, I'm not satisfied unless I get at least three pages written, though most of my chapters are usually no less than ten (but that's just me). I find it helps to set goals like that because then nobody will argue that you're not putting any effort into your story (while they may be rare, there are people out there who like to do just that) and it gives your readers a little more to take in as well as a better sense of depth in your story. Also, even though I'm sure everyone's familiar with the Pokemon characters, you need to describe them and the current surrounding more. This was actually something I got reprimanded for constantly about when I started fanfic-writing, and it's an important and helpful skill to develop. Those are just my thoughts; DNA and the others might point things out a bit better.
 
Apollo the Incinermyn said:
Well, it's a slight improvement over your PMD: Explorers of the Universe thread, but you still didn't listen much to what I said! Aside from breaking up the paragraphs (and, furthermore, the dialogue...like it or not, you have to treat each new part of speech like it's its own paragraph, even if it just turns out to be one line... Bunching it together gets a bit confusing, especially if it's a conversation between two or more characters), you also need to thicken stuff up. Personally, I'm not satisfied unless I get at least three pages written, though most of my chapters are usually no less than ten (but that's just me). I find it helps to set goals like that because then nobody will argue that you're not putting any effort into your story (while they may be rare, there are people out there who like to do just that) and it gives your readers a little more to take in as well as a better sense of depth in your story. Also, even though I'm sure everyone's familiar with the Pokemon characters, you need to describe them and the current surrounding more. This was actually something I got reprimanded for constantly about when I started fanfic-writing, and it's an important and helpful skill to develop. Those are just my thoughts; DNA and the others might point things out a bit better.

Well, Im sorry, but I got an A plus on writing in my class, it is NOT confusing, either.
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...Apollo, you've called me out. This means I have to say something now.

Technically, Skymin, he does present a valid point. Usually, you can't just assume that people know what you're talking about (sometimes you can, but most of the time you can't); you have to try and explain things a bit more. For instance, you could try to describe the Espeon or Lucario (e.g. her sharp eyes with a gaze that could pierce through stone, her purple fur glistening in the light, and her regal aura that penetrated all around her) instead of just saying the Pokemon's species. That way, you can give an impression that this Espeon is no mere Espeon, but one of great importance.

I know how you say it isn't confusing, however, an author's work is rarely ever confusing to its own author. You need to try and make it so that someone else could understand it, e.g. If I was some other person, and I had just been shown this fanfic, what would I think about it? Seeing things from another's point of view is a valuable technique in writing.

And yes, spacing out paragraphs is vital. Each new piece of dialogue needs to go on its own line; you may find it odd at first, but it actually makes the story look a lot cleaner. In fact, not too long ago I took the first bit of your PMD fic from earlier and spaced it out (and reworded it a bit), and it actually looked a lot better. You'd be surprised.

One brief thing I did notice though (I'd probably notice more if it's spaced out):
His eyes blurry from the branches whipping against his face. As Mikato, the Espeon, was glaring at Misyo, the Lucario.
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The latter sentence is a fragment; it needs to be joined to the first with a comma.

Remember, our purpose is not to criticize you, but to help you improve! Don't think we go out of our way to tell you that you fail at writing; our guidance is because we want to better your writing skills.

inb4zyflair
 
DNA said:
...Apollo, you've called me out. This means I have to say something now...

...Remember, our purpose is not to criticize you, but to help you improve! Don't think we go out of our way to tell you that you fail at writing; our guidance is because we want to better your writing skills.
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1. I never meant to call you out like that, just I thought you'd get to this anyways. Frankly, my critiques suck...and sometimes come across the wrong way. My only issue was that I tried making a small point elsewhere, and not seeing that put to use really brings the worst out in me... Sorry if I was harsh, Skymin!

2. Just too bad that isn't the case on other fan fiction forums...or if it is, they clearly have an odd way of showing it...towards me, at least...
 
I was just joking around with you, Apollo. But I suppose I had to say something anyway.
And as for the other fan fiction forums...they might have some sort of bad superiority complex. Which is not good.
 
Apollo the Incinermyn said:
or if it is, they clearly have an odd way of showing it...towards me, at least...
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Or they're just insecure about their own writing. A pretty ignorant standpoint, but anyone that doesn't have the decency to respectfully criticize writing doesn't deserve respect.

Skymin, if you're not going to accept criticism, then don't ask for any comments and keep your A. The whole reason (and if it isn't for you, then I'm locking this thread from posters) is to let others suggest on what to improve on.
 
Zyflair said:
Or they're just insecure about their own writing. A pretty ignorant standpoint, but anyone that doesn't have the decency to respectfully criticize writing doesn't deserve respect.

Skymin, if you're not going to accept criticism, then don't ask for any comments and keep your A. The whole reason (and if it isn't for you, then I'm locking this thread from posters) is to let others suggest on what to improve on.
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Thank you. But, I just want DNA and the other one to not comment. Anyone else, such as you, can comment if you like.
 
What do you have against my commenting? I'm not being mean or anything, so what is the problem?
 
Zyflair said:
It's either everyone or no one. Pick.
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.....everyone..but....

DNA said:
What do you have against my commenting? I'm not being mean or anything, so what is the problem?
[/quote
You are to me, pointing out every single little critisizm.
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The whole point of the Writing Corner, a discussion forum, is to let people help you get better at writing. They are not being mean to you. They are just showing how you can be a better writer. What is the problem with this?
 
Like it or not, you post it and you get crit back. We are ALL far from the best writers in the world. I could pull up something I wrote when I was 13, and would be the first to say that it is AWFUL. But back then? I got an A on the assignment. Point being, teacher's words are not all fine and perfect.

The unwritten rule of the internet: You post something up, you're going to get criticism. It's not going to be all sunshine and puppies. It may hurt to have someone criticizing your work- not gonna lie, it even stings me to this day, and I've taken classes on it and demanded criticism from others- but trust me, you WILL get better then. And more people will begin to praise your works after that.
 
Zyflair said:
The whole point of the Writing Corner, a discussion forum, is to let people help you get better at writing. They are not being mean to you. They are just showing how you can be a better writer. What is the problem with this?
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But they are just continuously picking on me. Not, "Oh, you see, you can do _________ to make it a better story."! They are like "Oh you did ____ wrong and ____ wrong and ______ wrong."

Crystal Hikara said:
Like it or not, you post it and you get crit back. We are ALL far from the best writers in the world. I could pull up something I wrote when I was 13, and would be the first to say that it is AWFUL. But back then? I got an A on the assignment. Point being, teacher's words are not all fine and perfect.

The unwritten rule of the internet: You post something up, you're going to get criticism. It's not going to be all sunshine and puppies. It may hurt to have someone criticizing your work- not gonna lie, it even stings me to this day, and I've taken classes on it and demanded criticism from others- but trust me, you WILL get better then. And more people will begin to praise your works after that.
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Thanks. But I'm still young, so I get defensive about stuff.
 
Skymin, if you'll look back at my original post, as well as Apollo's, you'll see we weren't just pointing out what was wrong with your story, but also telling you how to make it better. I know that pointing out mistakes without also pointing out the solution doesn't accomplish anything, and that's why we tell you what you should do.

Writers continually improve. No writer's work will ever be perfect, nor can it become so, but it can become at the very best, close to perfect. That's why we're here...to help you improve. I'm sure you're familiar with the concept of a 'rough draft', yes? It's what a piece of writing is before all the mistakes have been smoothed out. Writers rarely ever see their own mistakes until it's pointed out to them by someone else. Then we realize, "Oh yeah. It should have been like that. I'll change it right away." And so the mistakes are continually pointed out and fixed, as often as necessary, until the story looks great, and you can look back and say that the suggestions were a great improvement.

I know you probably haven't written a whole lot, but that's fine. We all learn from the mistakes we make, and we are bettered for it. It's fine to get defensive about criticism too. Even when I write something, and I receive deserved criticism, I cringe, because I know that I know better than to mess up like that. Criticism does hurt, but when it is deserved, it's worth it in the end.

We aren't your enemies; we're here only to help you, and help you become a better writer, so that in future, your stories will become better and better.

Phew, wall of text. I didn't think I'd end up writing for this long.
 
Skymin: You can't expect everyone to be super nice and say your story is the best thing in the world since chocolate because there are people out there know that something in it is weak. Writers in the writing corner can help you make it better. We are not mean, we are straight forward and to the point. We don't take a side, we just pick the story apart and review, telling you how you can make it better. You have to understand that critiques may seem mean, but they are not. I really don't get why people confuse this, but us critiques don't just do this because we are mean. We want to help people to do better.

~NZ
 
Negative Zero said:
Skymin: You can't expect everyone to be super nice and say your story is the best thing in the world since chocolate because there are people out there know that something in it is weak. Writers in the writing corner can help you make it better. We are not mean, we are straight forward and to the point. We don't take a side, we just pick the story apart and review, telling you how you can make it better. You have to understand that critiques may seem mean, but they are not. I really don't get why people confuse this, but us critiques don't just do this because we are mean. We want to help people to do better.

~NZ
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I know, but not everything they have to point out.
 
Since you still haven't gotten back to me via PM, I'll say what I'd been meaning to here. Skymin, I really never meant to insult you or be mean to you in any way, but if you think I or any of the other people here are harsh, you've clearly never been to the fanfic forums on Serebii or Pokecommunity. Of the very few comments that I actually did to get between those two sites, they were usually pretty devastating! If you don't believe me, here's the first ever critique I got: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=5498846&postcount=5.

Quite frankly, you're not the only one who's started out like this (because if you actually go back and view the thread itself, you'll see just how terrible my writing used to be). But the fact of the matter is, like everyone else has been saying, you need to learn how to take some criticism and, furthermore, learn the difference between constructive criticism and damaging criticism; that being: the first always makes a strong point as to help you improve, while the latter is just done mockingly. Again, I am very sorry if my stuff in particular came across as overbearing and unrestrained, but you have to stop getting upset every time someone tells you otherwise. I'm usually very considerate of others on these fanfic forums, but when you don't listen to what I think is some pretty sound advice, that's when I start getting more severe. I honestly don't like to get that way, but sometimes it's just the only way I can get my point across.
 
Apollo the Incinermyn said:
If you don't believe me, here's the first ever critique I got: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=5498846&postcount=5.
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All I can say is... "ow." I checked your work the critic was responding to, and while we can agree that it wasn't a good piece, the response is downright inappropriate. Tough luck you had. :(
 
^Off topic, but I think that substitute a number of explicitives here Yami Ryu does that to EVERYONE. Ignore em. (Did the same for me in all honesty.) I've been trying to really report that...girl, I think...? for the last few however longs. All of the posts are C/P of the same exact thing. I'm kind of furious that Serebii hasn't really banned her yet. :/ took their sweet time banning her. Good riddance.

Point being, we are trying to help here. We don't mean any harm. It's all a matter of fixing something obvious instead of something more miniscule. There are a lot worse people out there (like Yami Ryu) that don't even give helpful advice, that say 'lolnothisissobadreadfiction'. If you perhaps listened to us, we could enjoy your stories more. We don't really mean harm... :<
 
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