Writing The Shadows (Coming back, and better than ever!)

RE: The Shadows

Chapter 2 :D


After I was done drawing the Pokemon, I noticed some rustling in a near by bush! I looked over, and began to walk towards it.

"Cameron, do you here that?" I said nervously.

"Y-yes" he said stumbling on his words.

"Go Lischard!" I heard him scream, "Tail sting go go go!"

Suddenly the Pokemon fell from the bush, very hurt. It was a shadow Gallade! I freak out as Cameron pulled out his phone, and began to dial the number of the alert line. Or at least that's what I thought.

"Hello, James, I need you over here like um, now!" he said nervously into the phone.

***​

I shut the phone, and made a run for my bag. I grabbed my stuff, jumped onto my old Yamaha mx bike. I flew through the woods, only I was 45 miles from where they were, and that little SOB had just extremely poisoned the rarest species of Pokemon on the island, not to mention the rarest effect! Gosh, I swear if it's dead when I get there I am gonna shove Cameron's nose up his butt! I knew his sister would kill me when she got back to the ranch, but it would be the best thing of the year. Flying through the woods, I heard my long time rival... Poachers, they shoot Pokemon for furs, and prizes.

I reached onto my side, and grabbed my holster. I pulled it out, took aim, and BOOM! I saw the poacher fall onto the ground. I heard some words running through my head, good gosh, I killed him! F-F I stopped myself right there. Well, he experienced the slogan of the rangers. 'If you are going to kill Pokemon, first off you’re a numb nut, second off suck lead! Third off, suck it!'

Several times, a ranger has shot a poacher and killed them. The government goes crazy, and we just shoot another. We have finally decided we're not a government agency. 'The Rangers of the Northern Forests' is an independent agency.

I saw the sign for TC's river junction. Traveling about 85 MPH was really nice. I switched on my lights, making me have the ability fly down the road faster than ever. As I pulled up to the trail head, I fell of. Remembering what my priest had told me, I held the words. I sat around, waiting for something to happen; I then bolted down the trail.

***​

I heard some footsteps, as James bolted around the corner.

"Get your fat butt over here!" I screamed.

"You do*che you freakin almost killed him!" James spat at Cameron.

"As if, he was already weak, and Mist gave him a potion to hold him off." he said in his defense!

James grabbed his bag, and pulled his hood off. Too bad I was dating Cameron, otherwise I would have another hottie. James was a shadow trainer, and a freakin hot one. He grabbed a purple bottle, and put it onto the injured Gallade. I grabbed an Ultra-Ball. James understood my idea, and nodded. I clicked the ball on Gallades chest. It moved around, and glowed red then we heard a loud click.

We flew around the trail head corner. I was sprinting faster than ever! I jumped into the truck, Cameron started it, and flew down the road. The nearest Pokemon Center was about 15 miles away. As we flew through the jungle of the humid, hot Southern Formoust region, we noticed that James was behind us. We saw him stop, and drag a guy from the bushes in cuffs. Cameron began to laugh. I knew that James would throw you in jail for anything that involves hurting Pokemon. Cameron is lucky that James is his best friend, otherwise James would shove his nose up his butt! I only laugh at this.

"Frick!" I drop the ball from my lap it was freakin hot!

"What the heck?!" Cameron said.

I grabbed it just as we pulled into the Pokemon Center. I got out of the car and ran towards the door. The Creek Mt. Pokemon Center was very small. A group of cabins around it, and a large one in the center, where trainers would eat, and sleep nights in this lonely jungle. Cameron and me sprinted into the far right cabin, where the nurses were located. I took the ball from my hand ,and gave it to the nurse that we knew very well.

“You know what to do with this?” I told her.

“Yes she said, and walked off.”

James came through the doors. “How’s he doing?”

“We don’t know” I told him

We all waited patiently until we saw the nurse coming out. The tray she carried had a Poke ball, and some medicine.
“Goodness what the heck did you do to this poor guy?” she said with a calm sad voice.

“Cameron tail stung it…” James said.

The nurse gave me the Poke ball, and then slapped Cameron. Cameron winced, he knew it was coming. We walked out, Cameron rubbing his cheek.

“Gosh Mist, what do you think that was about?” he said to me really puzzled.

“You freakin almost killed it, but no worries I ain’t mad at you.” I told him

We both hopped into the truck, and Cameron drove off. We went to the nearest city. I had to catch a ferry from here to Sinnoh to get Gallade looked at by the best nurses in the Pokemon world. I jumped onto the ferry just as it was leaving. It was only hours before I arrived in Battle Island. There, I’d get Gallade healed, and probably battle a little before returning home.

As I was arriving in the port of Battle Island, I noticed some shady character. Probably a government agent, he was just sitting next to a tree. I walked over to him and asked him a simple question.

“How’s it going?” I said gently

“Get the heck out of here… the government is coming!” he told me

I called for an officer, and told him about the guy. The officer quickly arrested him, and walked off.
 
RE: The Shadows

Huh, this is barely 1k words.

I'm aware that you're using mobile, but would it seriously hurt to spend a few days to look over your work before posting it in a hurry? I see words clumped together (missing spaces), extra commas, and a "u" replacing "you." I recommend you to look up comma rules particularly when you don't need to use them. Your work just simply doesn't seem dedicated at all.

Happy Writing,

~Zyflair
 
RE: The Shadows

I'm kinda making this chapter as a little bit of a rewrite when I need to. But I shall look over it thanks.
 
RE: The Shadows

Well, due to some seriouse time, I've had recently, I've decided to re-do most of this story.

I'm leaving up the chapters I've written for background info I guess...

Here's the preview of the new Chapter 1!


I awoke to the hooves of horses running around. I then knew what was happening, when a baby was born, the herd quickly gave the mother some privacy. I got out of bed, and grabbed my hat. I quickly put on some pants, and a shirt. I buttoned up my green and blue plaid shirt, and made way towards the fields. I had never had any of my Rapidash give birth early in the morning when I could watch. Seeing that I’m a new rancher, I never really expected that to happen. As I began to approach the fence, I saw the great 25 acres I call home. The rugged river running down the lots, the far cabins, where my ranch hands, Kelly, and Ken stay, where they keep track of the horses. I saw the lovely rugged mountain to far right of my house, the place where I should start looking for the young Rapidash which was carrying the first to be born this year. I whistled, and jumped onto my Young’un, my best trained Rapidash.

We galloped into the forest, steep mountain hills, and mossy bed-rock. As we came around a bend in a trail, I heard the small cries of a young Ponyta. I pulled Young’un to a gentle stop, and got off. I grabbed at the side of my waist, noticing that if Mama decided to attack, I was generally screwed. I forgot my Pokemon back at the house. I grabbed my hand-held radio, and called in for Kelly. She was the ranches vet, and a dang amazing one too. Quickly I heard the roar of her “Ford f450” and it was an old one too. I really thought she looked great when she was behind the wheel of the truck, but I never thought that it would be this bad. She was like covered in a birds nest, I guessed it’s some sort of camouflage to hide from the wild Houndooms, running around on a killing spree with my Tauros. I really wanted those pesty muts out of here, but what happens… They have babies for the love of gosh.

I walked down over to the edge of this mossy bed-rock, and noticed that a black fire was poking up above the bushes. “Kelly, come quick!” I whispered in a harsh voice. She came up from behind me, just in time to see the young Ponyta stand up, and we noticed something different about it. It had black flame, instead of blue or red! I almost jumped out of my body, when I noticed that my first baby of the year was a shadow. This was a myth of the natives that it was very bad luck. I never believed it, and I probably won’t, they are so beautiful. Power in every movement, and even stronger than the legendary shining, who’s health would overdue the health of some legends around here. Me and Kelly who so shocked at this little find of ours, I think she fainted. I came out from behind the bush, and quickly grabbed the shadowling from behind. Throwing him over my shoulders, I began to walk. When suddenly on fire! I quickly dropped the young Ponyta, and began to scream, as the fire was extinguished, I began to cuss at it. It didn’t need to burn the living heck out of me, did it? I then heard the loud smack, of a dart smashing into the mother. I looked around, and saw both the mother, and the shadowling on the ground, with a dart in them.

“Kelly, you didn’t need to shoot’em like that!” I exclaimed. As she walked over, and patted out the fire on my shoulder, I began to feel the pain of the burns.
“Twas that our you!” She said back in a calm voice, as she carried the Pokemon back to her truck.


That's the preview... Now you can see what the New chapter 1 will look like.
(The Prologue is staying :D)
 
To be honest, I merely skimmed through that short bit, but it doesn't seem to be an improvement over your old chapter. I still don't see why you're using the exclamations marks outside of dialogue, but oh well.
 
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