Writing Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future (Chapter Five is up) Please don't let this

Lenny

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Eclipse

Chapter One: Impact

A phone rang on the night stand by the bed. The grouchy man that lay on the bed twisted his body over and threw the red, velvet blanket off of him.

“Do you know what time it is, Becca?” the grouchy man spoke into the phone in a monotonous tone.

“Sorry Zack, but it’s urgent. He’s really serious about it this time!” she said in a worried voice. “Please come!”

Zack jumped out of bed and put on his jacket. He ran out of his old, run-down apartment building and headed over to the building across from him.

“Becca open up!” Zack said and knocked on the front door multiple times.

She opened the door and her blonde hair covered over her left eye, her right eye was bleeding with make-up from tears. “He’s on the roof. You’ve got to talk some sense into him. You’re the only one he’ll listen to.”

He looked in her eyes. “She’s really counting on me to do this, isn’t she?” he thought, but he had no more time to think. He turned around and ran towards the stairs.

When he got up to the roof, all he could hear was the wind blowing against his face, a flickering light on the side of the street, and a distant cry for help.

Zack immediately moved closer to the cries and found his friend hanging from the edge of the building with both hands. “Delroy!” he exclaimed and ran over to his dangling friend. “Grab my hand!”

His pale-white hand reached out towards Delroy and Delroy’s hand instantaneously latched onto Zack. “Oh my god, Zack, I don’t know what got over me. I’m so sorry” he said. His thin body pulled itself onto the roof with the help of Zack, and a light on the roof lit up the cut across his eyes.

“What did you do to yourself?” Zack asked.

“I was running up here to fix the satellite when a big gust of wind pushed me forward. My face bashed into the antenna, more specifically my eye. I couldn’t really see where I was walking and tripped over myself. The next thing I knew I was dangling from the edge of the building for my life” he said and took a deep breath.

Zack looked at Delroy and patted him on the back. “It’s alright. Becca thought you were trying to commit suicide. You had her real worried.”

“I’m sorry, I should really pay more attention to where I’m walking next time.”

“Come on, let’s get your eye patched up. Becca is probably worried sick, too” Zack said and helped Delroy make his way back to the apartment room.

“Oh my! Delroy, what happened to your eye?” she asked and put her hand over her mouth. “Come here to the bathroom, I’ll patch it up. We’ll see a doctor tomorrow.”

“Becca, he wasn’t up there committing suicide. He just had a little mishap. Your brother needs to take better care of himself.”

She laughed, “the day Delroy can take care of himself is the day I’d finally have a normal life.”

Zack shrugged, “I Gotta get back to bed. Work early in the morning.”

“Bye” she said softly.



“Zack, call waiting on line one” a voice from outside Zack’s office said.

Zack picked up the phone on his desk. “Hello?”

“Hey Zack, it’s me” Rebecca said. “Delroy is going to stop over at your office in a couple minutes to give you a gift I got for you. It’s the least I could do.”

“Thanks, that’s sweet of you. You take care of yourself, I have to get working. The boss says he’ll have my arse if I don’t work harder. I’ll see you later” he said and hung up.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Come in.”

Delroy came in with a small cake in his hand. “It’s vanilla” he laughed and set it down on Zack’s desk.

Suddenly, the room became darker.

“Hey Delroy, mind opening the blinds for me?” Zack asked.

He walked over to the blinds. “They…are open.” Delroy looked outside and saw the event unfolding right before his eyes. “It’s a solar eclipse, man! Come here!”

Zack jumped from his seat and looked out the window. “Is that…a meteor? Two meteors? Four…Seven…” He paused for a long moment and then the first impact made sound.

The ground beneath them shook violently and the buildings a couple blocks away shot up in flames.

“Delroy, go find a safe plce. Now!” Zack shouted.

Delroy dashed off deeper into the office building to take cover.

What the hell is going on?” Zack thought, but when he looked up into the eclipse, he could see a figure engraved in the eclipse. “Am I hallucinating?”

The second and third meteor made impact with the earth, causing more violent shakes. Zack fell over and hit his head against the edge of his desk.

“Far from Halucination, oh Zackary” a deep male voice said. “This is real, all too real.”

“Who are you?” he shouted out, but there was no response.

A meteorite crashed into his office building, sending the building crumbling down above Zack. A stone piece from the ceiling landed on his head, knocking him out cold.


“Wake up Zack, we have to get moving. Now!” Delroy shook Zack’s unconscious body and hoped it would bring him back to consciousness, but the effort was useless. “Darn it, Zack!” Delroy picked him up and balanced him on his shoulders.

Another meteor struck their office, causing it to burst into flames. The meteor fragments ricochet across the room and one of the fragments lodged itself inside of Zack’s arm.

“What the hell?” Zack groaned and got off of Delroy’s shoulders.

“We gotta make a run for it. The meteor shower just isn’t stopping. The solar eclipse is still there, too!” Delroy exclaimed, but Zack remained calm.

Zack looked at his right arm and saw the glowing meteor fragment. “Dang thing won’t come out” he said as he tried to pull it out.

Suddenly, the meteorite in his arm began to shine brightly, almost blinding him and Delroy.

His whole body started glowing like the fragment. The glowing went on for a couple more seconds, then died down.

“Zack, you alright?”

“I…don’t know. I saw something. Something amazing” he paused and started at his right palm. “Look at my hand. It’s glowing. I saw myself…shooting fire out of my hands.”

“Man, you’re crazy. This whole thing is getting to your head!” he shouted, trying to put some sense into him.

The sky became bright again. “Look, it’s over!...or not. Look at the size of that meteor…Holy –“ the sound of the impact cut him off.

The earth below them cracked in half, dropping them both onto the ground floor. A huge fire tidal wave headed towards their town.

“Zack, it’s doomsday.”

The fire wave moved closer to the town at a rapid pace. It was as tall as a 20-story building and it blasted through everything it hit.

“No, it can’t end like this!” Zack looked at his palm again and it was still glowing a little. He pointed it towards the walls on the side of the inside of the building and closed his eyes. Then, with a slight flick of his wrist, a fireball blasted out of his palm.

“Hey Zack, that’s great and all, but if we stand here and do nothing, that wave will obliterate us!” Delroy screamed in fear.

“There’s nothing we can do” a man from the streets cried out.

“Zack, it’s right there!” Delroy shouted.

Zack ran over and wrapped his body around Delroy. The wave reached over their building, and then enveloped it with its flames.

The building burned instantly, along with anyone in it and on the side streets beside it.

After the wave passed, there was nothing but rubble left. The building had collapsed, crushing Zack and Delroy.

“Don’t disappoint me, young Zackary. I didn’t give you this power just to die!” the deep male voice said again.

Zack’s eyes opened and he saw Delroy right next to him, but both of them were buried under layers of broken bricks and stone.

He grabbed Delroy’s hand and blasted a fireball from his hand, making an opening to escape the ‘trap’ they were in.

Delroy opened his eyes and saw the destruction around him. “Jesus Christ…”

Zack sighed and looked up at the sun. “You were right. This is doomsday.”
 
RE: Eclipse

Enjoyable read. Your stories always have really exciting plots. =D

In a few places, it felt like there was too much speech and not enough detail, but it was pretty well done overall.

I'm intrigued to know what happens. :eek:
 
RE: Eclipse

Alright, I'll try to improve on that in the next chapter. I read over it again and noticed that, too. Glad you liked it, thanks for posting. =)
 
RE: Eclipse

Well Len, all I can say is everytime you post a fan-fic I don't want it to end. Good job as always. :3
WP
 
RE: Eclipse

THAT'S MY LINE >:[

Actually read it, very weird, will there be Pokemon at all, bye.
 
RE: Eclipse

Thanks WP. Hey Mew, you if you don't have anything important to tell me, please don't post -.-

PMJ, there will be no Pokemon, uh bye.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Here's Chapter Two. Hope you like it.

Chapter Two: Innocent Bystander

Zack opened his eyes. The powerful sun beamed down on his eyes, almost blinding him. “Get up, Delroy.” He shook his body back and forth until he awoke.

“Sorry, haven’t been able to get a good sleep since the impacts. I’ve been having awfully strange dreams, too. Apocalyptic future…” he said and rubbed the back of his head.

“Delroy…look at your hand. A fragment” Zack pointed out. “You haven’t noticed this ‘till now?”

His rugged, pale hand was glowing just like Zack’s hand was before. “Whoa, since when was this here? Does that mean I’ve got a power, like you?” Delroy said, surprised.

“Possibly. Maybe what you saw in your dreams was reality in one way, shape, or form” Zack proposed.

“You’re quick to catch on, Zack” the deep male voice said. “Go find your beloved Rebecca. It’ll be good training for the horrors that are to come.”
“Get out of my head, freak!” Zack said, and the voice went away.

“What, Zack?” Delroy asked, but suddenly, bits and pieces of images began to play through his mind. His vision went blank. When visibility returned, he was in a dark alleyway.



“No, let me go!” Rebecca cried out. A man cloaked in a black suit had her arms locked in handcuffs. Three men also stood behind him, wearing policemen uniforms.

She refused to continue walking. The three men pulled out a gun and fired. Her leg twisted backwards and she collapsed to the ground.

“It’s only three bullets to your right leg. Get over it” one of the men said.

“What do you want with me?” she cried out, tears overflowing her eyes and dripping down her chin. Her cries filled the dark alleyway, but no man even dared to cross into the territory which was hit hardest by the impacts, not even to help a dying woman. The echoes of her cries bounced off of the barely standing buildings, but died out before they reached the outside world.

“Drag her into the streets. Execute her publicly. Show them that we are not afraid to cross the line, and if anybody dares to stand in our way, we will kill helpless humans everyday…”

One of the cops reloaded his gun and dragged her by her hair into the middle of the street. “Shut up!” He bashed the gun into the side of her head, but her cries only grew louder.

He placed the gun on her forehead and pulled back the trigger. “I’ll put you out of your misery.” Then, he fired. The blood oozed out of her head, but only for a moment.



Delroy returned to reality. The vision felt like it had gone on for minutes, but was only seconds in reality. “Zack, I know where she is. We have to go now! Before it’s too late.” He jumped up from his sitting position and ran out of the building they were in, with Zack following suit.

Bodies filled the streets, the stench of death reeked, and food was scarce. It was a hell-hole. Rarely did anyone come out to the streets, only the desperate beggars come out at night, killing anybody they could find and taking their money, food, or simply eating their flesh.

Times were bad, and not only did we not see contact from the outside world, we couldn’t even contact it ourselves. All communications were down.



“Take a left right here…stay quiet” Delroy said and peaked into the alleyway. There it was, his vision playing out before him. “Rebecca…I’ve got a plan. Can you control your power well enough?”

“I think so. Why?” Zack said and looked out into the alleyway. There she was, being dragged on the filthy ground, and he couldn’t do anything about it. It aggravated him to no end.

“Get on the rooftop, then when they’re about to shoot her, kill the three men and their leader before they shoot her” Delroy said.

Zack proceeded to do as told and climbed the building with ease. He peaked from the edge of the building and saw her being dragged by her hair. His fist closed and began to charge with power. “How dare you…” he whispered.

He put his arm on the edge of the building and positioned himself. The man put the gun on her head. “HOW DARE YOU!” He flicked his wrist and huge fireball blasted out of his hand, creating a massive explosion. His instinct took over and he jumped off of the rooftop and made a sort of flame shield behind with his hand to block any bullets.

“Get him!” the leader shouted, but when the bullets hit the shield, they were incinerated immediately. “I want this man dead! Them special people think they’re so powerful, eh? We’ll show them the power of the Armageddon Brigade!”

This quick speech seemed to draw out more people to the streets. Innocent bystanders crawled out of their holes and saw the flames, as if they were mind controlled to do so, as if it was all part of the plan to begin with. “Rebecca, I got you!” Zack said and put her around his shoulders. “Delroy, let’s go!”

“How selfish…saving the life of your loved one, but in return, killing the life of these innocent bystanders?” the leader said. “You’re trying to be a hero, but these powers bring the worst out of people. Your decision has been made. Men…fire!”

Suddenly, hundreds of snipers on top of the roofs appeared. Every person in their sight was shot. All of the innocent people, dead.

Zack didn’t look back, he didn’t want to look back. One wrong step and they were all goners. Suddenly, Delroy was hit in the leg.

“You guys think you’re so powerful, trying to kill everybody I care for? You don’t know the kind of power I have…and it seems like you’re going to get it” Zack said and put Rebecca on the ground next to Delroy. He created a fire shield around them and himself. “You will regret this day for the rest of your lives…”

Zack pointed both of his palms out towards the alleyways and the buildings on which the snipers were on. “YOU WILL REGRET PROVOKING ME!” Zack unleashed a shower of flames from his palms, destroying everything and everyone. The buildings collapsed and the snipers burned alive. It was a lot like the wave from the meteor impact, but covered only a specific area.
“He’s the work of the devil” the leader said. “But so am I.” He enveloped himself with shadows, and with the blink of an eye, he disappeared before the flames could catch him.

Zack put his hands down and looked at the destruction he had created. “What have these powers done to me? I’m…a monster.” He turned around and looked at Rebecca. She was completely unconscious and so was Delroy. “Gotta get back home before more of them come out.” He grabbed Delroy and Rebecca and ran back home without looking back.

Zack put their unconscious bodies on the roof of an old building next to the local gas station. He put a blanket over both of them. “It’s alright…” he whispered. He put his head down against the rough roof and drifted into a deep sleep.



“Zack, wake up!” Delroy shouted in Zack’s ears. “I had another dream.”
Zack got up and looked around, but Rebecca was nowhere to be found. “She’s gone!” he shouted angrily. “Who did this?!” His fist closed tightly, all he could think about was her.

Delroy sighed, “Look man, I don’t have the slightest clue where she is, but we have more important matters. I had another dream, but it wasn’t about her. It was about this city being destroyed in exactly fifteen days from today. I saw the President, or what was left of him. He signed a paper to allow our city to be destroyed because it was a biological threat. Whatever is happening to me, you, and everyone else, the world knows about it, or will know about it. We have to stop the outside world from figuring it out, or we can escape before anything bad happens.”

“What about Rebecca?” Zack said. “We can’t just leave her here and run like selfish idiots. I love your sister and I won’t let anyone hurt her.”

“That’s a little too late, Zack” the voice inside Zack’s head said. “Your little girlfriend is with me. I can’t have you distracted as you’re fulfilling my dreams. If you want her back, you’ll have to do as I say.”

Zack was enraged. Flames were spiraling around his hands and dark emotions filled his mind. “What do you want from me?”

The voice laughed inside his head. “Finally coming to your senses, Zack. As your friend told you, the US government isn’t pleased with our biological state. I happen to know someone from the inside. He would be willing to give you and your friend a free trip out of town and you get your girlfriend back, as if nothing had ever happened, but only if you abide by his terms. I left his card under a stack of bricks. Find him and get your mission. Goodbye.”
The voice disappeared and Delroy looked at Zack. “You alright, man? Ever since the impacts you’ve been talking to yourself quite a lot.”

“Move” Zack commanded. Delroy got out of the way and in front of Zack laid a stack of broken bricks. He reached inside the stack and felt around until he found the card. He pulled it out and blew on it to push the dust off. The card read:

Meet me by the pier at exactly Twelve o’clock sharp. We will discuss matters there. Bring your friend, too.

Zack put the note in his pocket. “Delroy, we’ve got to get moving to the pier. Someone is waiting to meet us there…” he said and jumped off of the two-story roof, landing on his two feet on the ground.

Delroy quickly ran down the stairs and stood next to Zack. “You sure you know where you’re going?”

“Not at all.” He turned to the left and ran to the end of the street and turned at the curb with Delroy following behind him. There was a helicopter hovering over the small pier. “That must be him” he thought and kept running.

The helicopter made a rough landing at the pier. The door opened and a man in a black suit stepped out, along with two other people. The man was thin and had a cigar in his right hand, along with a golden ring on his pinky finger. The two other men were muscular and bulky and looked like they were twice the size of the man they seemed to be protecting.

“Hello, Zack, glad to finally see you face to face. I’ve seen what you can do. It’s quite magnificent” the man said in a deep voice, somewhat like the voice in Zack’s head. “My name is Agent Brown.” He put his hand out, and Zack shook his hand. “The government is uninterested in people like you. In fact, all we want to do is take out the people like you. But I see potential in you specifically. I’m willing to make a deal. You capture all of the special people and I’ll reward you with amnesty.”

“What makes you think I would go as far as killing the people of the city I love?” Zack replied.

“Do you want to get out of this town alive? Do you want Rebecca back in your arms? I think we both know the answer to those questions” Brown said. “Now, here is your first assignment. Kill the leader of the Armageddon Brigade. His name is James. That’s all you need to know. Once you’ve killed him, come back here and signal our helicopter which will be scouting the outer edges of the island, making sure nobody escapes. We circle the island once every four minutes, so just wait if we’re not there when you show up. Understood?”

Zack nodded. “What if we don’t make it out alive?”

“Then we nuke this island and everybody on it dies. That’s enough pressure, isn’t it?”

Zack felt the weight of the lives on his shoulders. “These people are relying on me to keep them alive, but they don’t know that. If I fail, the guilt would be unbearable. I won’t fail Rebecca, I refuse” he thought. “Is that all?”

Brown pulled out a bag from the helicopter. “This bag contains about 50 needles. Before you kill your target, you’ll need to extract a blood sample. Once you have the blood sample, you can kill him. The blood sample is necessary. Without it, the mission will be looked at as a failure, and once again, you and this precious island will be wiped off the map. Understood?”
Zack nodded again. “Do you have any idea where we can start searching for James?” he asked and picked up the bag.

Brown got up from the bench he had been sitting on. “Rumor is he and his men are planning an escape from the island tonight. We’ll have back-up for you, but you’re responsible to infiltrate their brigade and find the leader. Good luck, Zack.”

Brown stepped into the helicopter and his two henchmen also got in. The pilot started up the engine and the helicopter took off, continuing its cycle around the island.

Delroy was trembling, because he knew he was deep into this too. There was no backing out for either of them. They weren’t just fighting for their lives, they were fighting for every life on this island, good or evil. “Zack, remember the brigade? There’s just no way we can kill them all.”

“We don’t have to kill them all. We just have to find James and get his blood sample. Then, I will tear him apart limb by limb. What he did to Rebecca was not forgiven. He will pay, and I will go to sleep that night knowing this island is safer…and that I’m still alive.”
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Hmm... I must say... this second chapter is very interesting, a lot more info is coming together, or so it seems. Good job Len.
WP
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

How do you do it? How do you hold all of that suspense into so few words? :O

It's a nice read, though I must admit I rushed through. When I have more time, I'll read in deeper, but good Arceus, you have me hooked.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

As Zyflair said, this stuff is awesome! Please keep writing, Im so worried for Rebecca!
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

This is amazing. Almost any fan-fic by you is very well written. I'm glad this is a non-Pokemon/PokeBeach one however. Those were getting quite stale.

dmaster out.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Thanks to everyone who commented. It really means a lot. I was getting a little worried that nobody would notice it under all the Pokemon fanfics xP

I haven't begun Chapter Three because it's Thanksgiving and all, I don't know if I'll have much time to work on it. Or it may be the other way around, I may have a lot of time. Thanksgiving plans are still in the mist. Still, I'm glad to have some readers at the take-off of the story. Just like my other stories, there is no chance in heck that I'm going to just stop or let it die. I'm really interested in the story myself, as I haven't planned everything out yet.

Credit goes to Wariopower and Deck Tester for proofreading the first two chapters for me, along with my in real life friends for helping me come up with ideas.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

I've got part of Chapter 3 done, probably a third or so. Haven't had much time with Homework and all, but I'll get to it as soon as possible. Just wanted to keep you guys informed.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Sorry for the triple post here ^_^' Here's Chapter Three!

---


Chapter Three: Blind Effort


Thousands of soldiers in metallic armor gathered in the middle of the city, guns wrapped around their shoulders and neck with a leather strap. Each one had a number on their back ranging from 1-20. Those with higher numbers were the more elite, while the ones with the lowers numbers were the less experienced.

Snipers set up on every rooftop of the small island, leaving no place left unchecked. The Armageddon Brigade set up completely and the government struggled to get their men out and ready.

“Tonight my soldiers, we will fight. Fight until we can’t fight anymore. If we are pinned to a corner, we will still fight to the death. They have no right to keep us in here, locked in cages like wild animals! We are more than that!” James said from the front of the gathering of the soldiers. “In only a few minutes we will make our escape. The government is weak. They can’t keep us held in here. Not when we have powers far beyond their imagination…”


“Sshh, they’ve got snipers everywhere” Zack whispered to Delroy. They were both crept up against a wall by the pier with a sniper atop. “I’ll climb up slowly and take him out. Take his clothes and infiltrate their organization. They made a mistake by not covering this area enough. I’ll use it to my advantage. Just stay here.”

Zack slowly climbed up the small building and hid behind the chimney. The sniper was fully set-up and pointed towards the inside because his duty was to cover the ground floor. Zack looked at the number on his back. “Hmm, nineteen…that seems high enough in power to personally talk to James.” And with that quick thought, he pointed his palm outwards towards the snipers head and exerted a blast of fire. The flames burned through the sniper’s head armor and killed him instantaneously.

He made his way over to the dead body and stripped him of his duty clothes. “Don’t think you’ll need those.” Zack slowly climbed down the rooftop with the sniper gun in his hand.

“What do you need me to do?” Delory asked. “I haven’t had any vision of what is to come, at all. We’re heading into this blindly.”

Zack nodded. “Some things are meant for fate to decide. I’m going to go to the center and search out James. Hopefully, I can get him by himself and take him out without anybody noticing. All I need you to do is stay here by the pier. If you see Brown and if by any chance he is shot down, you go to the sewer. You should be safe there.”

He dashed into the sea of Armageddon Brigade members. There was some sort of higher respect for the snipers because everybody moved out of the way for him. Zack had to maneuver all the way across the crowd. When he got to the other side, he found James cloaked in the same outfit he wore during their last meet.

“Sir” Zack said. James’ attention turned to Zack, although he did not recognize him. “I need to speak with you privately. There’s a problem.”

James excused himself from the conversation he was in and told Zack to follow him to his base, a building that used to be the postal office but now was the only building standing without any fractures in its structure at all. “What is it? Come on, out with it. The rebellion is in a couple minutes.”

The whole building was quiet. “I…” Zack began to tremble. He held his hand behind his back, charging a massive fireball. “I think we have a traitor among us” he said nervously. “Must stall just a little more…

“Is that so?” James asked. His fist closed tightly and shadows danced around him. “You know, one of the things my power can do is sense if people are lying. You’re not lying, so why are you so nervous? A number nine should have pride in his strength. So now, why are you so nervous?”

Zack stood firm and stopped trembling. The fireball was fully charged in his palm, ready to be used. In a split second, Zack jerked his arm around and blasted the attack. The fireball raced towards the enemy and James had no time to counterattack. The fireball exploded into flames immediately as it contacted with James’ body.

He ran up to the burning body. “Still alive, perfect” Zack said and pulled out a needle from his pocket. He extracted blood from his wrist and put the blood sample back into his pocket. “Now, to finish you off!” Zack’s fist closed tightly and began to burn brightly. He pulled his arm back and punched James’ face, but his fist went right through air.

James was gone before the fist even began to move towards him. His shadows escaped out of the building. “Men, we have a traitor among us. Blow up the base. It isn’t safe anymore” James said from outside the building.

Zack’s breathed heavily and panicked. “Damn it!” His rage and fear channeled into power. Flames engulfed his whole body and an aura emanated from his body, a heavenly aura like no other. And with the blink of an eye, he blasted a hole through the ceiling and fired a super shockwave from his hands, bouncing him into the air and giving him enough momentum to fly away.

Heat exerted from his whole body downward, keeping him in the air, increasing his elevation. “Can’t control it!” He flung his body to the side and his momentum shifted to a different direction, sending him into a crash course with the ground.

His head slammed into the ground, his body following, sending dust and broken road everywhere. A shadowy figure walked up to Zack’s body and felt around his pants, reached into his pocket, and grabbed the needle in which Zack took the blood sample.

“Perfect, you did well. Wake up!” Agent Brown said. He kicked Zack in the gut and put the needle in his pocket. The scent of the cigar in his mouth burned Zack’s nostrils and awoke him from his half-conscious state.

Zack stood up and faced Agent Brown in the eyes. “I nearly got killed out there because of you. Where was your help? Where is the rebellion? The escape? It seems to me like it was all a lie just to get me to do your dirty work.”

“Now, now, calm yourself. This will all benefit you in the future, do not fret. You joined this because you wanted to see Rebecca again, is that not so?” Brown was manipulating, almost blackmailing Zack to do whatever his sick, little mind wished so. Brown’s attention shifted from Zack to the needle in his hand. “Good work indeed. Have you eliminated James?”

The rage curdled inside of Zack. “No, I had to escape right after I took the sample. It was too dangerous.”

“What a shame. I thought you would have been better than that” Brown said with a sigh. Suddenly, Delroy interrupted the meeting. “Well, look who it is. Before I go, I’ll assign you your new mission. Deal with the rebellion.” Brown stepped into the helicopter and took off, leaving Delroy and Zack cornered by the Armageddon Brigade.

“You thought you could take us down, did you?” James shouted. His followers shouted “YEAH!” creating uproar through the whole town. Thousands of guns were fired at once, sending bullets of all shapes and sizes towards the two.

They had no time to make a run for it. “Zack!” Delroy screamed and covered his face. He still heard the guns being fired, but none of them were hitting them. “What in the name of God?” Delroy looked forward to see a wall of bullets, frozen in the air.

A man jumped off of a rooftop nearby them, a dark mask covering his face. He held his palms outwards, as if he was stopping the bullets. His arms stretched backwards, and then stretched out completely, sending the wall of bullets towards the Armageddon Brigade.

The bullets pierced through the men, some even going through the men and then striking the ones behind them. The Armageddon Brigade fell instantly with little unharmed and plenty injured. James limped away from the scene and retreated to the sewers along with a couple of his other men.

“You can thank me later” the man said in a deep, familiar voice.

“…It’s you! The man inside my head!” Zack exclaimed. His fist closed tightly and the rage was burning in his eyes. He grabbed the mask and threw it off into the streets. His old, wrinkly face was revealed, along with a scar on his eye, similar to that of Delroy.

“What’cha talking about, Zack?” Delroy asked, confused about the situation at hand. He began to analyze the scar on the man’s face, intrigued by the coincidence. “How’d you get that scar?”

The man chuckled. “It was just a small accident from our next target. Brown has assigned me to work with you two and to make sure we get each and every blood sample. We may have the blood samples, but we can’t have you fail to kill the target like you did last time” he said.

“How the hell do you think I’d trust you after what you did to her?” Zack said. “You’re a monster and I don’t want anything to do with you!”

“How disappointing, a shame like your father!” he said. He wrapped his hand around Zack’s neck and held him up against a wall, constricting his breathing. “I expected more from you. More of a ruthless side, but you seem to be held back by your feelings. No, I can’t let that get in the way of the work, our work. Is that clear?” He let go, letting Zack freefall to the ground.

“I haven’t properly introduced myself yet, have I? My name is Devin and I was also recruited to work with Agent Brown, but before this crisis even occurred. Me and Brown, oh we’ve been friends for a while” he said.

Before Devin could continue, Zack interrupted, “are you implying that his meteor shower–this thing has happened before?”

“When I was a young child, my father and I were going out to eat dinner at a fancy restaurant. It was the first time I was in an upper class area. Growing up in a poor family was hard, but my dad saved up enough money and took me out. That’s when the unthinkable happened” he said and paused, to grasp Zack and Delroy into his story. “That’s when a meteor shower hit, just like this one. It knocked me out cold, but I regained consciousness an hour later, only to find my father’s dead body lying next to me, along with thousands and of other dead bodies scattered across my town. That’s the summary, you could say.”

Zack and Delroy were both shocked. “Did they lock up the town like they did here?” Delroy asked, but Devin remained silent. He couldn’t reveal too much about his past, only enough to get them on his side, for now.

“I have our next mission. We’re to find the man who did this to my eye” Devin said. “He’s faster than anybody you’d ever meet. He carries two blades, one in each hand, and can slice whoever he wants and get away with it. But he has a vendetta against James, the man you failed to kill. Befriend Skylan, the speedster, and he will lead you to James. Kill James once and for all and when Skylan isn’t looking, take his blood sample and bring it back to me. I’ll have your back if anything goes wrong, I won’t bullcrap my way out of it like Brown did. That coward.”

Zack comprehended the mission and hoped Delroy would. But Zack still couldn’t trust this man. He seemed untrustworthy; his shady attitude and power threw him off the normal scale. “Where do we find this guy?” Zack asked, even though he wasn’t completely sure about this. “All I know is that I have to find Rebecca…and this guy could lead me straight to her.”

This seems easy, too easy…” Devin thought. “He hangs around the sewers, but the sewers are huge. Thankfully, I’ve found where he rests every day. He lives in the sewer entrance from the pier where you met Brown. Find Skylan, find James, eliminate James, get Skylan’s blood sample, and kill Skylan. Not too complicated, is it?”

Zack shivered just at the thought of sewers. The water would kill him if he fell in it. “Hopefully I’ll control my flight” he thought.

“Get some rest, men. Tomorrow will be a long, long day.”
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Thats awesome! CAnt wait to meet Skylar!
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Proofread moment
Lenny said:

Chapter Three: Blind Effort


Thousands of soldiers in metallic armor gathered in the middle of the city, They had guns wrapped around their shoulders and neck with a leather strap [Better subject]. Each one had a number on their back ranging from 1-20. Those with higher numbers were the more elite, while the ones with the lowers numbers were the less experienced. [Comment: Lower numbers usually indicate HIGHER status from where I am, since you're climbing your way to #1, but hey, it's your choice]

Snipers were set up on every rooftop of the small island, leaving no place left unchecked. The Armageddon Brigade was set up completely and the government was struggling to get their men out and ready.[Weak verbs across the board. You might want to revise.]

“Tonight my soldiers, we will fight. Fight until we can’t fight anymore. If we are pinned to a corner, we will still fight to the death. They have no right to keep us in here, locked in cages like wild animals! We are more than that!” James said from the front of the gathering of the soldiers. “In only a few minutes, we will make our escape. The government is weak. They can’t keep us held in here. Not when we have powers far beyond their imagination…”

“Sshh, they’ve got snipers everywhere” Zack whispered to Delroy. They were both crept up against a wall by the pier with a sniper atop. “I’ll climb up slowly and take him out. Take his clothes and infiltrate their organization. They made a mistake by not covering this area enough. I’ll use it to my advantage. Just stay here.”

Zack slowly climbed up the small building and hid behind the chimney. The sniper was fully set-up and pointed towards the inside because his duty was to cover the ground floor. Zack looked at the number on his back. “Hmm, nineteen…that seems high enough in power to personally talk to James.” And with that quick thought, he pointed his palm outwards towards the snipers head and exerted a blast of fire. The flames burned through his head armor and killed him instantaneously. [Antecedent confusion: His/him can refer to multiple persons in this section]

He made his way over to the death dead body and stripped him of his duty clothes. “Don’t think you’ll need those.” Zack slowly climbed down the rooftop with the sniper gun in his hand.

[...]

James excused himself from the conversation he was in and told Zack to follow him to his base, a building that used to be the postal office but now was [No need for a weak verb] the only building standing without any fractures in its structure at all. “What is it? Come on, out with it. The rebellion is in a couple minutes.”
[';p
The whole building was quiet. “I…” Zack began to tremble. He held his hand behind his back, charging a massive fireball. “I think we have a traitor among us” he said nervously. “Must stall just a little more…

“Is that so?” James asked. His fist closed tightly and shadows danced around him. “You know, one of the things my power can do is sense if people are lying. You’re not lying, so why are you so nervous? A number nine should have pride in his strength. So now, why are you so nervous?”

Zack stood firm and stopped trembling. The fireball was fully charged in his palm, ready to be used. In a split second, Zack jerked his arm around and blasted the attack. The fireball raced towards the enemy, but ["But"? Isn't it "And"?] James had no time to counterattack. The fireball exploded into flames immediately as it contacted with James’ body.

He ran up to the burning body. “Still alive, perfect,” Zack said and pulled out a needle from his pocket. He extracted blood from his wrist and put the blood sample back into his pocket. “Now, to finish you off!” Zack’s fist closed tightly and began to burn brightly. He pulled his arm back and punched James’ face, but his fist went right through air.

[...]

Heat exerting from his whole body in a downwards position was [again with the "was"?] what kept him in the air, and his elevation increased.
["Heat exerted from his whole body downward, keeping him in the air, increasing his elevation," is a much better rephrase]
Can’t control it!” He flung his body to the side and his momentum shifted to a different direction, sending him into a crash course with the ground.

His head slammed into the ground, and was followed by his body following, sending dust and broken road everywhere. A shadowy figure walked up to Zack’s body and felt around his pants, reached into his pocket, and grabbed the needle in which Zack took the blood sample.

“Perfect, you did well. Wake up!” Agent Brown said. He kicked Zack in the gut and put the needle in his pocket. The scent of the cigar in his mouth burned Zack’s nostrils and awoke him from his half-conscious state.

Zack stood up and faced Agent Brown in the eyes. “I nearly got killed out there because of you. Where was your help? Where is the rebellion? The escape? It seems to me like it was all a lie just to get me to do your dirty work.”

“Now, now, calm yourself. This will all benefit you in the future, do not fret. You joined this because you wanted to see Rebecca again, is that not so?” Brown was manipulating, almost blackmailing Zack to do whatever his sick, little mind wished so. Brown’s attention shifted from Zack to the needle in his hand. “Good work, indeed. Have you eliminated James?”

The rage curdled inside of Zack. “No, I had to escape right after I took the sample. It was too dangerous.”

“What a shame. I thought you would have been better than that” Brown said with a sigh. Suddenly, Delroy interrupted the meeting. “Well, look who it is. Before I go, I’ll assign you your new mission. Deal with the rebellion.” Brown stepped into the helicopter and took off, leaving Delroy and Zack cornered by the Armageddon Brigade.

“You thought you could take us down, did you?” James shouted. His followers shouted “YEAH!” creating uproar through the whole town. Thousands of guns were fired at once, sending bullets of all shapes and sizes towards the two.

They had no time to make a run for it. “Zack!” Delroy screamed and covered his face. He still heard the guns being fired, but none of them were hitting them. “What in the name of God?” Delroy looked forward to see a wall of bullets, frozen in the air.

A man jumped off of a rooftop nearby them, His face was covered in a dark mask covering his face [Once again, try to avoid "was"]. He held his palms outwards, as if he was stopping the bullets. His arms stretched backwards, and then stretched out completely, sending the wall of bullets towards the Armageddon Brigade.

The bullets pierced through the men, some even going through the men and then striking the ones behind them. The Armageddon Brigade fell instantly, leaving barely any of them unharmed [Dangling modifier: The Armageddon Brigade isn't the ones "leaving barely any of them unharmed.] and plenty injured. James limped away from the scene and retreated to the sewers along with a couple of his other men.

“You can thank me later” the man said in a deep, familiar voice.

“…It’s you! The man inside my head!” Zack exclaimed. His fist closed tightly, and the rage was[-_-"] burning in his eyes. He grabbed the mask and threw it off into the streets. His old, wrinkly face was revealed, along with a scar on his eye, similar to that of Delroy.

[... That's it.]

Whew... watch your overdose of passive sentences (STOP USING "was" OVER AND OVER AGAIN >=O), and I guarantee you that your writing will be more exciting. In other news, your description isn't half bad, though I'm just slightly iffy on how you talk about how other people think. Then again, this is third person, so there's never a great way.

Keep going. I'm watching you.
~Zyflair
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Oh my god, I definitely did not notice this when I was writing. Thanks for catching all of that. I'll edit it all when I can.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Heh, no problem. No problem at all.
 
RE: Eclipse, The Story of One Man and the Apocalyptic Future

Updated with the grammatical errors fixed, I'm pretty sure. =P

I have yet to begin Chapter 4. The exact details haven't really played out in my head, might take me some time.
 
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